Sitting in traffic and have time to reveal more of myself to you. There are three months left in the year…. How are you feeling about 2019? For me…the highs were high (like my Vegas Birthday celebration) and the lows were low… financially it was a rough year. Also, I had to cut off or distance myself from some folks that I never thought I would. 2019 was definitely a better year for me than 2018 but it was definitely not my “year of arrival.” You know what I mean….that year that God blesses you in every area of life. ?? I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a job I can’t stand…and still in a “situationship.” When it comes to end goals for a relationship…I am still not quite clear on marriage and children. Like are they for me? ??♀️ So that’s part of the reason why the Ex Factor gets away with some of the mess he does. ??♀️ BECAUSE I NEED TO BE CERTAIN ABOUT WHAT I WANT BEFORE I DEMAND IT!!!! And I need to be certain on what I’m willing to give to him AND us. Not all women are ready for a serious relationship as early as most. I AM STILL GROWING AND LEARNING. ❤️ BUT I for sure have an idea of how I want my family life, friendships, and money to run!!!! ??♀️ Guess these things are still going to take more time in God’s plan?! Sometimes I wish HE would fill me in on the end goals of my life… lol. Like let me take a sneak peak at HIS blueprint for my life. ??♀️ Now approaching the Lincoln Tunnel and reflecting on the fact that as much as NYC drains and exhausts me at times….I LOVE IT! ?Currently rocking this black see through kimono style jacket with my Blue Bang MAC Lipstick….and I’m ready for the subway. Ready to just be me. No matter what…I know I have a blessed life and I am completely grateful for it. ?? Just reflecting while I sit in traffic. Open to new chapters and more laughter. Open to just enjoy being in love in this present moment. It was never my plan to fall in love with any guy…much less fall in love (and hate at times) with one man for 9 years. Ups and downs…highs and lows….at least I now know that shit is possible. Sitting in the tunnel with my heart beating. ? Present in my own life…through the good and bad. I think that’s what it is all about. ??? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Have a blessed day! Make the most of it!!!!
As the leaves change colors and the crisp Fall air creeps in….so does our season of misunderstandings. Things I never thought twice about in the Summertime…now plague me throughout the night. I am unsure. I am insecure. And yes I can admit that. As the days get shorter and darkness feels permanent….my winter blues appear. And it’s like he forgets EVERY YEAR that these next two seasons will be very challenging for me. There I am…in a midst of confusion….exhausted from the overhaul of darkness. Where is he?! I need him to be more present during these seasons. Darkness breathes instability and no matter how much yoga and meditation I practice….negative thoughts appear. I’m drowning in a sea of “what if’s” and “why me’s?” And like where the hell is he? This is the season I start to question everything and everyone but especially him. My winter blues cannot stand him. Yet…like where…the fuck…is he?! It’s not like I don’t explain this season to him. It’s my season of darkness. I am a daughter of Spring and a woman of Summer….in those two seasons I can handle almost anything. But in Autumn and Winter…I am tired (sometimes from doing nothing), just getting myself up and ready can become a challenge, and I’m drowning in a familiar pool of sorrows with some new twists. And after all these years…he still doesn’t get it. These are the seasons I need him to carry us. I need him to be a voice of reason. I need patience. I need understanding. These things are required from everyone in my life. I often times have to apologize for not being able to show up for people as swiftly as I would like during this season. Sometimes I just need solitude so a lot of unanswered calls occur. I am just trying to put one foot before the other every day without bursting into tears. Yes our Autumn of misunderstandings have arrived and it would be impressive if we didn’t let it destroy us…just one fucking time! So I emerge with hope in my heart…trying to fight that familiar feeling. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Are any of you winter blues sufferers? Or in the midst of some sort of depression? How are you handling it? My Daddy doesn’t get it but when I say I’m feeling extra emotional…he just smiles and gives me hugs. ❤️
Today’s #NoMakeUpSundayEdition #vulnerability #healing #truth #serenity #sunday #Sundaymotivation #Sundaymood #SundayTruths #SundayVibes #selflove #selfcare #yoga #meditation #higherbeing https://youtu.be/11GrhwPfFwE
The one that got away … from me….was not my lover, my man, nor my lust. He was someone more meaningful. But I could not see it. I could not even feel him. I was all over the place…all three times…that he approached me on us being something real. I…just could not…see it. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until recently that I realized what he was saying and in the most awkward way. We took some pictures back in the end of 2002/beginning of 2003. I have seen these pictures a million times. After all, they are in one of my photo albums from college. A few years ago, I screenshot some of these pictures and posted them on FB. So these pictures have been a part of my life for so long. They are me and I am them. But the other day, FB memories showed one and my mouth dropped open. I saw something I had never seen before! ? Now you have to understand where I am coming from…I HAVE STARED AT THE PHOTO IN QUESTION HUNDREDS OF TIMES IN THE LAST 16 YEARS! But like I never really LOOKED deeply at it. I’m not sure how I could have missed it….missed what was there. There he was…smiling hard…and there I was….looking happy, secure, and glowing. We looked like a COUPLE IN LOVE! ??♀️ To be sure, I sent my sister, Brenda, the picture with no words and she instantly thought he was someone I had dated and forgot to mention. That man wanted to marry me and I was oblivious to what he was saying at the time. Too focused on Jason, Julio, Crazy, and Phoenix. Too preoccupied to know…he was on to something. Too stupid to realize…he was my protector. After all, he had been my protector….all through college. Too busy honoring folks who never really honored me. Too busy thinking my heart and mind were clear on most things. It took til I got in my 30s for me to realize…I don’t know shit. My one that got away was not my lover, my man, nor my lust. HE WAS MY FRIEND! ❤️ That means he has seen my crazy upfront and still wanted me. I still think women do the choosing in relationships and should continue to do so…but you know what that picture was telling showing me…had there been no Jason (because they were teammates)…I just may have chose him too. After all, I chose him to be my friend up until 2012. Then I let him go. Part of me wants to post the photo I’m referring to but if you are on my private page…you have seen it. And I’m not going to post somebody’s husband for over a decade and change…publicly…in what could be seen as a disrespectful. So I have no choice but to let it go. Why am I telling you all this? There was a part of me that could have gone with him but I just could not see it. Over his non married years, we have slept next to each other. Him holding me. Him protecting me. Him being consistent. And all we did was sleep! He has seen me in my head scarf, seen me hurt from Crazy, seen me worrying about my safety when I was leaving Crazy, and seen me date Jason on and off. My homie really held me down. I think he got me. Took me like 20 years to see it…see myself happy, secure, and glowing. But I lived it. We were there and part of me was with him…my one that got away. ❤️ ~KJM flashing back on Flashback Friday. I really hope you are super happy my friend! You made the right choice. May eternal joy and love always fill you and your wife’s hearts. One Love ?
It…that is…loneliness…never visits me when I am truly alone. You see…I find comfort in myself. For some reason…it surrounds me and begins to drown me when you are in my life. Head deep underwater as I struggle to launch myself above the surface. I have been teaching myself how to survive death by drowning in loneliness since I started dating…at the age of 15. Only rely on yourself, Kingston. Let them fall in love but don’t you dare fall in love, Kingston. Never truly open up to any of them, Kingston. With each stroke in the water…I swam…holding my breath and diving underwater only during the times I felt like I was ready for adventure. This case of the loneliness was never a thing until I laid eyes on you. The more I hear from you is the more lonely I get. I forgot to teach young Kingston this one…never beg them to love you, Kingston! Up until this point, I never had to. Their “love” came easily and freely. And if they ever left…I held the door open for them. That was me…until I caught the case of the loneliness. This sudden sadness comes over me and I am suddenly disgusted with the thought of us. I long to swim freely again. This never ending cycle consumes me like nothing before. Love has forsaken me and all I’m left with is a false memory. I long to break away. This cannot be love. This is a hostage situation. I can’t breathe. Water is filling up my lungs. The one I let my guard down for is secretly drowning me…with a smile! I…am…trying…to launch myself above water. I am trying to break free. I am trying to make the case of the loneliness a faint memory…. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.