Happy Serenity Saturday! I have to be honest…I am feeling anything but serene today. Didn’t get much sleep because there’s so much on my mind. New Kingston has been battling old Kingston and thus, things haven’t been easy. Let me start off by saying I am always a work in progress!?? The Lord is not done with me and praise God because there’s so much work that needs to be done on my mind, body, and spirit! As I step into the unknown with the Ex Factor and other areas of my life, I find old Kingston creeping up wanting to make drastic hasty decisions. Sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I want to stand and fight. Other times I am just too exhausted to decide which way to go! The Ex Factor pushes a lot of buttons and asks for patience in places I don’t believe they exist. He is asking for a lot and he has done very little growth on himself. Essentially, he is the same person he was in 2010…only more guarded and closed off. Sigh…great more work for me to do! ? While I ponder whether to leave him again, a little voice is saying be patient! Now you guys know how I struggle with patience!!! I wish the word didn’t exist…unless it is being used in association with others being patient with me.? I am being serious! Of course, we want others to have mercy on us in our times of miscommunication and misdirection! We want all the goodies but dishing it out is HARD WORK! And while I contemplate the status of my situationship with the Ex Factor…it dawned on me that the relationship that really needs help is me and God!? If I was laying it all at HIS feet, I would never worry nor let any negative thoughts rob me of my sleep! I am not TRUSTING in the LORD nor WAITING on the LORD!?? Instead I am laying in my bed at night wrapped up with ego and pride! Pride says block the Ex Factor! Ego says cuss him out and let him know who he is really dealing with. But hold up…who is he really dealing with? My ego and pride! Not who the real Kingston truly is. Not the Kingston who hands over her life and her career to GOD. So why is it that it’s so hard to trust the LORD in my romantic life? It’s already written that HE walks with me and HE protects me! So what am I sad and worried about? I have lived out testimonies where HE has dragged me out of the fire and did not allow anything to touch me! When I was lost HE always came and got me! So why am I tripping! HE is there! My faith is what needs strengthening! Once that relationship is solid then no matter what comes my way…I will be fine. Lastly, I reminded my brother, Junior, of 3 things I learned from my 10 years on and off with Julio: 1. Our final and real break up happened at the end of my first year of graduate school. Julio wanted a family NOW and I didn’t. Truth be told, he was never supportive when it came to my educational endeavors. So me continuing school made him uneasy. As I WAITED for my first year grades in a difficult program to come back…Julio broke things off! Marriage and children will continue without me…is the message I got from him. I cried and cried. The last thing I said to him (over the phone) was “we were suppose to get married and have children.” And he still let me go. That was May 2007. It’s July 2016 and Julio is still unhappily single with no children!!! And I never took him back! I say all of this to ask…is my future relationship just about having a family by any means necessary with anyone or is it about who I want to build my life with?! Marriage and family were never in my forever future plan. The men I loved/love want these things…on their timing! I am just trying to stay on God’s time! And boy is that work! Well…mainly because I’m still trying to control everything! ??? 2. When I fell for the Ex Factor in Summer 2010, Julio was actively in my life as my friend and still was trying to see if there was hope for us. The lesson here is if there is a greater love for me than the Ex Factor…God will remove the Ex Factor. I won’t have to do it! HE removed Julio from my romantic life in 2010 and I have known him now for 19 years so that was no easy feat! Nothing like the power of the Lord!?? 3. When Julio broke things off in 2007, I was very good to him. I threw no stones and put my ego and pride aside even when he was shitting on me. I left that relationship with my head held high and Julio has to forever live with the fact that he wasn’t good to me. I really need to do the same with the Ex Factor. Ego and pride feels so good when you telling someone where to go and stooping to their level but in the end, you can’t hold your head up high unless you were the best you…you could be in that situation! So in January 2016, I easily told Julio NO we aren’t going to try again! I am NOT his fall back person. I should have been his FIRST choice and he should have been patient, supportive of my education, and supportive of my career! I stayed blessed even with all the obstacles I faced because I was the best Kingston I could be when I exited that relationship! I love hard but when my heart fully closes…it is CLOSED! With all this in mind, I realized there’s really no need for ego and pride! God has it handled! 10 years on and off with Julio….he let me go and the next 9 years were full of him asking if we could try again! God don’t sleep! So I wait on the Lord and I trust in the Lord! Being patient…but if you catch me slipping remind me of this blog! ~KJM saying “whoosa” on Serenity Saturday!????
Archives for July 2016
Typically I do not blog about celebrities here at Kingston Expressions. The one exception to that rule is when their lives happen to go with a current theme I’m writing about. Today I want to talk a little about the rumor that Keisha Knight-Pulliam and Ed Hartwell are getting a divorce after 7 months of marriage. First, let me say that I have never been married so I won’t pretend to know nor speculate what happened. Second, I’m praying for them both…especially Keisha since she recently announced that she is pregnant with her first child. Lastly, I pray that they either find a way to reconcile or find their true happiness wherever it may lie. Now to the good stuff! What I want to talk about today is the time period prior to them getting married…the courtship! According to blogs like Bossip, Keisha had been dating Big Tigger for years, they split, and 4 months after dating former NFL Football Player, Ed Hartwell, her and Ed had a SURPRISE New Year’s Eve Wedding (just 7 months ago). Let’s back up before the SURPRISE! I do not know what happened between Keisha and Big Tigger…but I sure know what it feels like to be on and off with a man that hasn’t seriously committed! Some days I feel like throwing a brick through the Ex Factor’s window…metaphorically of course. ? 6 years on and off and like we have only taken baby steps. He’s young as fuck so I’m trying to learn patience. Nahhh actually let me keep it all the way the fuck real! I’ve left his ass so many times for other men (like Elijah) with better resumes, more money, and ready to commit. In that shitty process, I learned the motherfucking grass is brown with patches on the other side!!!! Now I’m not saying that I’ve given up on the fact that there may be a greater love for me than the Ex Factor nor the fact that I deserve way more!!! What I’m saying is I’ve learned that not everything that glitters is gold boo! I have run up on so much fake jewelry that I’m skipping the PAWN shop and am running to the PORN shop because at least it’s somewhat entertaining unlike the life I found without the Ex Factor!!! Another lesson I learned is you can trick your mind but you damn sure can’t trick your heart into thinking you can replace one man with another!!! I can always get me a new man but is the pending marriage about who I am getting married to or just getting married period! Like do I know a thing about the person I am marrying? Did we go into it prepared to do the WORK? Or did I just get caught up in the fact that this man could commit?! I’m not judging because lawd knows I’ve been there and with my old ways creeping up on me…could be back there soon!? No one is saying wait for a man to commit forever! Damn sure not saying that!!! But be patient with yourself and him. We are on GOD’s time not ours! When we rush HIS plan our lives become a hot mess! Speaking from experience here! I would only do marriage because I found the man I want to love/hate for the rest of my life! Not just because a man can commit! He could be committing my ass straight to hell in a hand basket and that’s the truth!!! Mr. Toss Salad is a prime example of this!!! I pray for Keisha and Ed as they go through this process publicly! It is already getting messy as he is requesting a paternity test! Now that’s another topic for another time. But now let me put this brick down and go text this fool and get my shit together! Jesus be a fence because the struggle is real…and so is this brick! ??~KJM dropping an unexpected blog on Hump Day!?
I’ve decided that the Ex Factor is a bad wet dream that I haven’t woken up from yet. ~KJM on Hump Day?
It’s like being beaten a million times. Burned alive. Road kill. Broken. Bruised. Feeling like the world’s joke. Unappreciated. Used. Degraded. Disrespected. Violated by someone you were suppose to be able to trust. And then left alive for your heart to continuously tell the story of your living death. That’s the best way I can describe being a woman left naked and uncovered by the man she truly loves. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying…it takes a lot to go through all of that and still be open to love. God bless women ??
Yesterday I wrote about what it’s like to try to settle with someone who turned out not to be who they claimed to be. There’s so much wrong about this statement that I’m not sure where to begin. Let’s go back in time again and revisit how there even became a Mr. Toss Salad, an Elijah, and a Phoenix. For all the men reading this, please truly take it to heart. I’m actually speaking from my experience. You see…he (the Ex Factor) left me uncovered. There I was…a woman with my heart open loving a man who was not loving me (in deeds nor words). In a way I went through something similar with Julio except he could say the L word and when he wanted to be…he was all about love and commitment. But Julio used things against me from the past to keep us trapped in time. As he got older, he just got more bitter and last we spoke in January 2016…nothing had change. For the record, I don’t think Julio’s current bitterness has anything to do with me. I think it’s from heartaches and disappointments from all his relationships but only he knows for sure why. ENTER PHOENIX: Phoenix arrived on the scene in 2004 to fill a gap. To be the friend, lover, and supporter Julio could never be to me. That was the birth of Phoenix. ?Men, women have needs and despite what you think…there’s always someone there to meet those needs. Phoenix and I may not being seeing eye to eye lately but I’m a better person for having known him. He would go on to hold me when I hadn’t been held in years, touch me in caring ways, and support me and my career in a way no other man has ever had. And I’m forever grateful for him…no matter how messy his life can be at times. Phoenix never left me uncovered and never brought any of his mess to my door. And thank goodness for that!?? For years, Phoenix did the job of all the men who would come into my life and fail me…the Ex Factor was no different….he would end up failing me more times than Julio! With both Mr. Toss Salad and Elijah I was not looking nor wanting a new relationship after leaving my years of situationship with the Ex Factor. Believe it or not…I almost never go searching for a new relationship. The devil always brings one by…right on time too. ENTER MR.TOSS SALAD: My emotional state when Mr. Toss Salad entered my life in full force was one of vulnerability and insecurity. My heart was in such a bad condition that my eyes could not see past it. I felt used, neglected, abused, and left on the side of the road with my dying heart. Essentially, I felt uncovered by a man who (at that point in time), I had loved with every bit of me for two years. I’m sure to Mr. Toss Salad, it was the opportunity he was waiting for…for over a decade…to catch me naked and uncovered by a man that was suppose to deeply care about me. So there I was…walking around in life with a strong outer shell but a broken inner shell. And I let it happen. I allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper in love with a man that may never be able to love me the way I need to be. I allowed it. And I’m sure most of us have been there. Naked and uncovered. That’s how Mr. Toss Salad was able to get me…there just wouldn’t have been any other way. So when Mr. Toss Salad would hold me for hours with no end in sight…even though he wasn’t my type, I didn’t want to date him, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him…he did the one thing the Ex Factor never did (to this day)…he clothed me with care, attention, support, laughter, prioritized me, and made me feel like a Queen. Mr. Toss Salad attempted to cover me. That was the birth of Mr. Toss Salad. ? I will never say I’m grateful for this experience because the Kingston that was with Mr. Toss Salad just wasn’t in her right damn mind but I did take one positive thing away from it…I’m meant to be cherished and treated like the Queen I am. ENTER ELIJAH: When Elijah approached me…I had just been crying and praying on my subway ride to work. ? I had hoped God would deliver me from the heartache that was inflicted on me. Then out of nowhere there was Elijah…standing tall and proud…ready to cover me. That’s why I named him Elijah (hope) because that’s what he brought to me…hope. It took me 3 weeks to think over his proposition and during that time, I searched in my heart to see if there was anything worth staying for with the Ex Factor. FYI I’ve decided that there’s no need to give him a new name. If he is still who he was when he received that name in my blog…then he shouldn’t get a new name. So until I truly see some next level shit…the Ex Factor works.✌?️Phoenix is the only person who has two names (Baltimore and Phoenix). Baltimore is his real life nick name but Phoenix is the name I gave him in this blog…because he’s just that complicated!?? But now I’m really getting off course. While Elijah and I didn’t work out, I’m very grateful for all the lessons he taught me and I pray he is happy with a basic woman (hey that’s how he described his ideal woman…I’m not hating. Lol). For the men that are still reading and are trying to understand what it’s like to leave a woman who loves you naked and uncovered: it’s like being beaten a million times. Burned alive. Road kill. Broken. Bruised. Feeling like the world’s joke. Unappreciated. Used. Degraded. Disrespected. Violated by someone you were suppose to be able to trust. And then left alive for your heart to continuously tell the story of your living death. That’s the best way I can describe being a woman left naked and uncovered by the man she truly loves. Now do you understand why Phoenix has been such a permanent fixture in my life?! He was needed…~KJM saying times like this I wish I could pick up the phone and call Phoenix on Temptation Tuesday. Maybe reliving these emotions before they have fully healed was just too much… If you were a woman left naked and uncovered by the man you loved…please write me…whether you guys made it or not. I could use some support.?
I felt my spirit leave my body several times. I didn’t even know the body could do that while being alive. Was I alive? It felt like a death. I was overlooking my own body as he smiled and held out his hand. How did I get here? It wasn’t because I didn’t love myself. Lord knows you can make a wrong turn even if you love yourself. Yet I was watching myself die while I convinced myself and my loved ones that I had to go with him. And he smiled on…offering me things I had never received from someone else before. They weren’t things I couldn’t provide for myself (love, security, money) but they were things I felt I had been robbed of in my last situationship. So my spirit floated over my body and I felt like I was going. Still I smiled on and ignored my previous heartache. It felt good to be wanted, needed, and worshiped. I should have known that anyone God sent would only be worshiping God…not another human being. Silent at times…I did not know how to get out. I couldn’t scream…after all he was giving me the promise of being loved. Needed to catch my breath but when I was with him…he hardly left me alone. I went everywhere with him. We went to sleep together and I awoke with this deep feeling of emptiness. Oh the emptiness. It was that feeling that let me know what I had done…I had sold my soul to a living devil. I had lost hold of me. Trapped…I felt trapped yet I smiled for everyone because my life was now filled with worldly goods. Mutual friends and associates that knew him hinted that some things were off. Yet I ignored the signs because my broken heart and my spirit were both now floating over my body. How do I get them to rejoin my body? How do I become whole again? I’m floating…I’m going…I’m dying inside. Was the abandonment I felt with my love (the Ex Factor) so bad that it gotten me here? Why didn’t I just talk to the Ex Factor about how was I feeling?! I ran because I always run…and the devil caught me. Trapped so trapped and when God saw me slipping…He said it wasn’t my time to go and He sent protection for me. It was at that moment that I saw my chance to run away from danger. And I bolted. Lost parts of me on the journey and now my heart was aching but my spirit, mind, body, and heart were all joined again. The pain was too much to bare as I stayed awake nights I should have been sleeping. I was safe now. On my own again. I could take that breath now. I could free myself from the memories but the guilt followed me for years. The guilt of selling my soul…the guilt of not seeing the danger…the guilt of not protecting my mind, body, and soul…it haunted me. What if God had not come for me? Where would I be now? No one and nothing is worth selling your soul…intentionally nor accidentally. So I took another breath and I started to rebuild my life. It was just a few months spent with the devil but I’m forever haunted by the fact that I could have lost my life. Jesus thank you for truly being a fence! ~KJM on settling with Mr. Toss Salad and experiencing some of my darkest hours before I got out. This is one of the greatest Charm School lessons I have to share with you. Not everything that glitters is truly gold!????
Recently, a close friend of mine ended a relationship with a guy she knew from high school but had bumped into years later. The break up was quite dramatic (on his part and his baby mother’s). My friend is a classy woman so she did not go there with them. She wished them well on getting their family back together. Once she was off the phone with them, however, she had this sudden instinct to google him and found a couple of mug shots…one of which was a charge/conviction for sexual assault on a child! Yikes! The shock of this person not being who he portrayed himself to be hit my friend hard! I mean this man has children of his own! ? My friend and I spoke for hours this weekend and something she said struck a cord in me and suddenly I knew what today’s Charm School lesson was going to be: all that glitters isn’t necessarily gold! ?? As my friend relived aspects of the relationship and tried to get over of the shock (not that the relationship ended but that of his double life)…she mentioned she was never attracted to him and did see some warning signs but nothing that could have ever prepared her for what she found out! I then asked why she gave him a chance if there was no initial attraction? She responded…it was the way he treated me. Then a light bulb?went off for me! It’s not Throwback Thursday nor Flashback Friday but sometimes we have to take a random spin back in time to learn a HARD lesson. Let’s go to February 2013 and to Mr. Toss Salad! Y’all remember him from my never settle quote? The penis I felt but never ever dared to look at because I didn’t like the way it felt in my hand! Now let me pump the breaks here. If you are a man reading this, I am not putting Mr. Toss Salad down because we didn’t work out! I’m simply stating my mind frame while dating him. Elijah and I didn’t work out either and I would never take his looks nor his dick size away from him. Those areas were really a none issue with Elijah. I say this all to point out that I’m not a bitter woman going after a man that it didn’t work out with. That’s not even my style. Now back to that toss salad! In December 2012, I seriously felt that the Ex Factor was seeing someone behind my back. For months things were off and he seemed to have no time for me. I’m not saying he slept with her (and he still denies this fact) but for me it felt like he was falling for someone else! Any woman IN LOVE with a man will tell you that where his dick goes is important but where his heart goes is crucial and devastating! I asked him over and over if there was someone else and he said no. But I could feel him pulling away and the day after Christmas…I cut the Ex Factor off without any warning. I cried through the streets of Midtown Manhattan and would call my same female friend mentioned in this blog on my lunch breaks. I was a mess as I ignored the Ex Factor’s texts. And so I pushed myself to move on. I wasn’t ready to date and I made that clear to Phoenix…and later on to Mr. Toss Salad. This was the one time in my life that I knew I wasn’t ready to date. Still February 14, 2013 was around the corner and I wanted to go visit a city that singles ruled! I randomly chose Atlanta…home of Mr. Toss Salad. I knew him from college (when he tried hard to get with me) and even though he was a man…I was never attracted to him so I was never worried about dating him. We had kept in touch through Facebook since college so I hit him up and told him I’m coming to Atlanta. Mr. Toss Salad knew I was going through a breakup and told me that I could stay with him for the 4 days I would be in the A. And no we did not sleep together on this weekend! Papa Michaels didn’t get it. I usually spend part of Vday with my daddy. As we were having brunch, Papa Michaels was like…“I don’t get you young folks! In my day, if I’m spending Valentine’s Day with a woman, I’m hitting it!” Truth be told, same probably goes for my generation but when I put that pussy pad lock on…no liquor…no amount of wining and dining can unlock it…unless I’m mentally vulnerable. I’m a very purposeful woman when it comes to sex. This was the ONE exception. I went to Atlanta and literally had the best Valentines Day I had ever had. Mr. Toss Salad requested that I be dressed up when I arrive in Atlanta. He had the entire weekend planned out and it was all a SURPRISE JUST FOR ME! He picked me up in a 3 piece gray suit (now he could kill a suit for sure! Can’t deny that) and when I got in his car, some of my gifts were waiting for me. And yes I had a gift for him. I bought him and my daddy Valentine’s Day gifts. Papa Michael did not raise a woman to get catered to but never cater to anyone else! I wasn’t showing up to the A empty handed!?? From the airport, we drove to the Fox Theater to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company! I was blown away! What an AMAZING show! Like I literally teared up…that’s how moving the show was!?? After the show, we had a late night dinner at a very romantic Italian restaurant where he ordered for me (which I never let a man do). He was nailing the things I liked and I am such a particular person! When the bill came, I reached for it. After all…he wasn’t my man…he was my friend and he already paid for the show. He quickly took it out my hand and paid it! Mr. Toss Salad then said in all the years he’s been taking “women” out for Valentine’s Day…not one of them 1. Ever bought him a gift and 2. Never offered to pay the bill for dinner! I guess at that moment he saw something he had to get meanwhile I was just happy to not be focusing on my broken heart and the Ex Factor. The next couple of days were filled with breakfast in bed (even if he was at work) and it was Lent so Mr. Toss Salad paid close attention to my dietary restrictions on the Friday…filled with Spa Days…big lunches with family and friends…strip clubs (it was the A?)…and more gifts! I’ve dated some great men in my past but NONE catered to me like Mr. Toss Salad. I will remind you again that even after this 4 day extravaganza…I still never slept with him. He did, however, convince me to give him a chance. Let’s go back a second…while in Atlanta…I heard from the Ex Factor AND Julio!!! My last morning in Atlanta, Mr. Toss Salad begged me to let the exes go and give him a chance! He was sure he was my husband! I didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t my type and there was no physical chemistry for me but I was beginning to think that was my issue…liking the pretty bad boys and not giving other guys a chance. So I told him I’m still not ready to date as he told me the time was NOW. So much happened in the months I went back and forth to the A. There’s so much I want to say but don’t want any more drama from this situation. I will say, however, I’m lucky I got the fuck out of Atlanta with my damn life but um…Jersey don’t play. While this man was wining and dining me, tossing my salad GOOD (remember I never ordered that shit), introducing me to friends and family as his WOMAN, came home every night with gifts for me….even a dozen peach roses (remembering that I don’t like red roses), holding me for hours, and telling me I was THE ONE….he was living an ugly double life!!!! You fill in the blank here! I can only tell you my version of things…I’m sure he has his truth (if he can ever find it). For me (just like my female friend) it wasn’t about the fact that the relationship was over (Thank God for protecting me)….it was more about that this person was not who I thought he was! I spent the two years after this mess self reflecting…during which I randomly moved to Richmond, VA. The Ex Factor stayed close by (kept in touch)…even with me leaving him with no notice and throwing the Atlanta relationship in his face one time (one time too many). During that time, I didn’t date, kicked it with Phoenix a bit, and kept in touch with the love of my life…not quite understanding how we got here. Shit wasn’t easy and I fell apart for a while before I got right. Shout out to Willow, Grace, Harmony, Toi, and all my other family and friends who uplifted and supported me during these dark hours. By the time I moved back to my home state, I was the secure and happy Kingston dating the Ex Factor again! Right back where I started. Should have just worked through it instead of around it. And I know I love that man (the Ex Factor) so much because he never asked me a single question about where I had been and what I had done. All he wanted to know that it was just us again. And it was…for a while. Until we disconnected and then found ourselves again. For the first time, I feel like the 6 years of storms…broke our hearts but gave us the tools to heal them again. I went through hell and back loving this man but some of that hell (like Mr. Toss Salad) I brought on my damn self! From the jump, my gut was telling me something was off and a little voice was saying don’t trust Mr. Toss Salad. But he had a familiar face that I had known of for over a decade. So I accepted his smile…never realizing I was going to be laying down with the devil. The moral of the story here: if something seems too perfect…it just may be! Listen to your gut and run if it tells you so! Both my female friend and I let these guys in because they seemed like perfect gentlemen. They treated us like QUEENS! Even though our hearts weren’t in it…and our intuition said there may be danger there…we didn’t listen. A good man is not going to be without his flaws. While the Ex Factor is not the pay attention to every detail type of guy nor is he the wine and dine type of guy…what makes him perfect is the fact I love him. He’s perfect for me. Not the kind of fake the perfection that seems like one is trying to buy you or make you into a trophy. I don’t have to be perfect for the Ex Factor either. I’m overly emotional and needy (for lack of a better word) when it comes to him…but I can be ME. I’m typically a fucking mess but he’s hanging in there for that too. Y’all be careful out there because sometimes the grass is brown and full of patches on the other side! Also, remember that the devil that has a familiar face can bring you deeper into the depths of hell than a stranger. Don’t ever let your guard down. Protect your heart and your body at all times! Learn for our mistakes! ~KJM on Charm School Monday✌?️
Finally! It’s Serenity Saturday and I’m blogging! Life has been so complex yet beautiful lately and as I work on me…some days I run behind on the blog. Part of it is I try to reflect on what I’m experiencing from many difficult angles before I write it down. That’s been a huge challenge for me in 2016…to see pass one point of view (mine).?? This week the Ex Factor and I had an intense over 2 hours conversation about everything that’s been bothering me for the last 6 years and how best to address it. It was a draining yet necessary conversation. I think some NATO negotiations may have gone down more easily.? But we hung in there and spoke about all of our options. I know he must have had a headache at the end of it because I sure did (and I generally love to talk). Thanks for hanging in there baby! ? I pray we don’t have to revisit any of those issues any time soon. And I have faith that most of them…we won’t. What I learned this week is the way I address and present my fears and insecurities are really more about ME than him. The way I tuck away my sorrows and waste them on tear stained pillowcases instead of handing it over to the love of my life. It’s really all about ME and my transformation into a more secure and strong woman who is holding herself accountable for her own happiness! Yasss hunni!?? Lets repeat that again!!!! I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS!!!?????? So if I’m holding grudges or not communicating an issue…that means I’m purposely choosing to be unhappy! It took me a second to wrap my head around that concept and trust me…I will keep revisiting it time and time again! I am a work in progress and so is he. At the end of the conversation, the air was still intense but then I hugged him to let him know…I’m still here. I’m still present…crazy and all. I still love imperfect me and imperfect him. But you know progress isn’t instant right? After he left, I wasn’t sure what I was really going to do. I’m such a “walk away from this shit” person and trust me some shit is worth walking away from and some things just need more work. More attention. More care. More love. Old Kingston kicked in around 3am when I awoke and started rethinking the whole conversation. Old Kingston said…”you’s a boss chick. You don’t got to deal with none of this.“ ✌?️ But before I made a move, new Kingston snuck in and said check in with your tiny village. I text Grace and my brother, Junior. Neither person could tell me what to do but I know that they both support US. By 5am, I was getting ready for work and something amazing happened. Grace and I were texting and new Kingston was in full control. And just like that I said…I’m just going to love him through it as I pray he will continue to love me through it. So just like that…I put my suitcases down and realized I’m home! ?? I have spent so much of my 20 years dating life…walking around issues instead of walking through them! Soak that in for a second! If you keep going around issues instead of walking (working) through it and find yourself in the same place you started…it’s time to stop going around it! Truth be told a boss chick ain’t afraid of anything. Not even love. Whatever the task…she is ready to take hold of her faith, walk with God, and trust that her victory in all aspects of life has already been written! ? ~KJM saying I pray you are being good to yourselves on this very HOT Serenity Saturday?
There was a time in my life when I was living in Washington, DC and would frequent porn shops with a female childhood friend of mine. If you grew up with me…you know exactly who I’m talking about! She had a very high profile financial job so she would never use her bank card at any porn shop and would have sunglasses on with a scarf on her head looking like Mary J. Blige in the “Not Gonna Cry” video…as I swiped away freely!? You learn a lot about people when in a porn shop with them but I digress. This blog isn’t about her. Just wanted you to get an understanding of my sidekick during this era of my life! Lol. Coincidentally, we were together as teenagers, along with my closest childhood friend, when we bought our first pack of condoms at a CVS! That’s when Mary J. Blige Junior was created! ? But I digress…again…back to the topic at hand. The first time I ever entered a porn shop…I was blown away by the video and toy selections. Like who thinks this stuff up?! Anything that looked like it would have me dangling in the air…I bypassed!? Skipped whips and chains because I’m definitely not participating in “Roots 2!“✌?️ And from my experiences of dating men of different races….I’ve never met a black man that would lay down for a good ol’ ass whooping even if sex followed! Now I’m not saying there isn’t such a black man…I’m just saying I never dated one. So I happily skipped the “50 Shades Of Grey” aisle unless I wasn’t dating a black man!? Some are okay with being blindfolded and handcuffed but you better warn them if there are heights involved! Phoenix never did like heights.? But I digress….again. I think the key to the first time experience of buying a toy is knowing yourself. I knew I never needed a main course toy like the “The Rabbit” (boy I wish Elijah would have asked me before he pulled that thing out). I’m more of a snack kind of person. Meaning a toy for external pleasure NOT internal! That damn Elijah!? Anyways, now that I’m so beyond that stage in my life I do like to shed a little light on it…especially for women. Get to know your body first. Explore it with your hands, find out what sounds you like to hear and what gets your pallet wet…what you like to taste during your self exploration, and then start to test toys out and see what you are comfortable with. NEVER let any man talk you into using anything you aren’t down with. Elijah is still lucky he didn’t get a brick to his face for trying me! Sigh… The interesting thing about getting older…even if you don’t have a family…is you start to lose your sense of adventure. Or you have to fight to explore more. Your heart has probably been broken, trust thrown out the window, and a possible loss of a sense of self! Yes this can all still happen even without a husband and children to distract you. I miss visiting these shops with my friend and laughing about all the craziness we saw. I miss having a libido that wasn’t buried in student loans, heartbreak, and mistrust. I miss the freedom of saying I’m up for a new challenge and that I’m open! You are probably wondering what the fuck does any of the above have to do with buying sex toys and my answer is…EVERYTHING! It’s not always the polite and appropriate things that create aspects of our earthly DNA. Sometimes it’s about the impolite yet legal things we did with an open heart and mind. It’s been years since I’ve shopped for a toy and I think I threw my last one (Gold Member) out when I had to move back in with my parents after graduate school! I can go months and even years without any kind of sexual stimulation. I’ve done it! Just closed shop with no possible opening date! But it’s the moments I had with myself that gave me hope about the future. That let me know that it’s okay to be me and to express myself whatever way I wanted. I had the FREEDOM to just be…safely. That’s what I miss the most. Stress free, all about me, and freedom! No expectations but to live life to the fullest…safely! I can’t stress the SAFELY part enough. Don’t be out their risking your lives for a sexual experience. So much more fun to be safe and feel safe. Do me a favor? Whether you are 50 years old or 25….if you have never gone to a porn shop nor bought a toy…and you are curious…please go ahead and do it! Then write in and tell me all about it! Don’t forget your scarf and sunglasses…if need be!?~KJM aka Miss Kingston if you nasty? on Flashback Friday. Blog originally written on Hump Day of this week but this sure shows that you can make any day hump day!???
I wrote a funny Hump Day blog yesterday but still haven’t posted it. Just wasn’t in the mood…maybe I will post it on Friday. Last week, I got hit with some devastating news that I was sworn to secrecy about. The burden was just too much for me….I could not walk by myself through fire…so I told Willow and Grace. They each bring a different kind of support system, are easy to reach throughout the night because they have children, and will definitely keep it to themselves. Sometimes things get dropped on us and we feel like we are coping but we are really just existing…until we snap! Last week, I was on vacation so I thought I was dealing with everything okay but being back in my home state…I’m unraveling at the seams! Yesterday, after work, and during my evening commute, I found myself crying on the bus. I’m really not as strong as people sometimes make me out to be. And the journey is long (I pray) and hard (I pray not). ?????? Grace got me right with the scriptures (as always). I explained to her that this news has put a wedge between the Ex Factor and I (as if we need anything else but air to be between us). He knows something is wrong but does not quite know how to tackle the issue since I shut down and become numb as a survival tactic when I just can’t deal. Grace pointed out a few things (1) I must stay positive during this battle?? (2) I have not forsakened God for Him to put such a hardship on my shoulders (3) Patience and Strength are huge blessings that are often taught through trials and tribulations and (4) I must teach the Ex Factor how to support me!?? Wow that was a mouthful! I keep telling Grace that she is blessed with so many abilities and that individuals and couples could use her counseling…because she always gets even stubborn me right! And that is never an easy task. Amen! Let’s focus in on two things Grace said. This idea that Patience and Strength are huge blessings that in essence we work for…blew me away. I always believed in testimonies and blessings but did not wholeheartedly understand how they are fully connected. God is blessing me as He makes me walk through fire?! Hold that thought! ?? This news has shaken me to the core of my being. I feel like I’m falling apart. Like I can barely stand and God would purposely do this to me?! But why? Patience and Strength disguised in pain and heartache is not how I thought it all worked. I figured blessings come when the Good Lord was ready to…bless us. I figured testimonies were the pause before the blessing…I didn’t realize that the TESTIMONY COULD BE THE BLESSING!!! But why me Lord? Why now Lord? Is it to work on my heart? Is it to prepare me for what’s to come? How can I prepare for the uncertainty of it all? We are chosen in life to walk a path and no one but our Higher Power knows exactly why. But this idea of working for my blessing….earning it…walking through it (not around it)…and hopefully coming out as a better more loving person for it…is scary yet inspirational! And Lord knows I’m terrified. Now on to this concept of teaching the Ex Factor how to support me. Last June when my friend, Michele, suddenly passed away. I fell apart…like in a way no one could foresee. I know the Ex Factor wanted to be there but just didn’t know how and I could not verbally tell him how to support me because to be honest…I had no clue. I think this was the beginning of what is now known as the temporary end for us. At the time, it felt pretty final when I walked away. I just had nothing left to give and had exhausted all my options (or so I thought). And even when Junior, Grace, and Nicole said that this was the time to hold on to the Ex Factor…I let go. Not only because it is what I’m use to doing but because the pain of losing Michele forever and now slowly losing the Ex Factor was all too much to bare. So I left and I tried to find myself. To give myself hope even with the grief I carried around with me. In hindsight, part of me wishes I had been strong enough to stay with the Ex Factor. Strong enough to figure out the support I needed and demanded it. The thing with him is he will listen…even if he doesn’t understand. The Ex Factor would at least try. I know that now…after going through all that grief by myself. I know that now. So I must teach him to be PRESENT even if he isn’t sure of the words to say. I must teach him to be THERE every step of the way because I will need him on this journey. This is one road I cannot walk alone and trust me…I wouldn’t want to. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying Faith, Hope, and Love are related for a reason. So I dig deeper into unchartered territory while praying every step of the way that WE were built for this??