It is rare that I debate for an entire week whether to write a blog or not but here I am. I am trying to decide how far I let you guys in. Why? What I am going to write about is embarrassing, heartbreaking, and even tragic to me. Some of you will question my self esteem. Can I stop you right there? Please know this…it is possible to have great self esteem and find yourself in a bad situation. Anyone (man or woman) who tells you they have never dealt with bullshit in their personal lives are LIARS! It is a HUMAN (not only woman) thing to want the person you love to change. I have a long list of men that waited for years for me to change…yet I didn’t until I was ready. And I changed for ME and only ME. The only difference with women and men on this topic is women are vocal about it….while men, on the other hand, will hide from everyone when they are selling their souls to be with a woman. It’s an ego thing….but trust it is also a human thing. Okay! Okay! Enough of that. I am sure you are wondering where the hell am I going with this. The beginning of last week, I had a discussion with an older family member that I will call, Tina. She and I have recently gotten close in 2020. Speaking to my older family members about life and love is something I do often…only typically I am interviewing the man whores in my family. Tina was a refreshing change from the man whores. The topic of our discussion was SIGNS or as some of you like to call it, RED FLAGS. Tina was very young, a teenager, when she first married so I skipped asking about her first marriage. We dug in deep when we talked about her second marriage. Tina’s second marriage is a source of pain and trauma for her. Just the mention of her ex husband sends shock waves through the phone. By now, they had been divorced almost a decade but there was some lingering hurt and pain there for a bunch of reasons that I don’t have time to get into. Let’s get to the meat of this blog. Right smack in the middle of the conversation, I asked Tina if she had missed the signs that her second husband had always been a terrible person….even prior to them marrying?! Every woman in my family that has/had a bad marriage had SIGNS of who they were marrying before they got married. It was a matter of did they pay attention or did they ignore them? I have a theory. 90% of people show you who they are ALMOST right away. Only 10% (I don’t have the math down to a science….just spitting out numbers) of people (serial killers, sociopaths, intelligent people with personality disorders etc.) are capable of completely hiding who they are to people who are close to them…and even then I would say there are still tiny signs in those circumstances….you know…like that nagging feeling we have but we just don’t know what is wrong. That is your gut…baby girl…. Your intuition is trying to tell you something. That what you see isn’t real but what you feel is sending you smoke signals. Don’t believe me? Okay….let’s attack the subject of Domestic Violence (DV). Most (not all) of the women in my family were being beaten by their spouses before marriage whether they were a teenager or in their 30s getting married! Meaning they weren’t just undergoing emotional, mental, financial, and psychological abuse….the ones that are harder for people to acknowledge….they were straight up getting their asses beat and still married these men. Now I know DV has bigger components than I am discussing here…such as the “Battered Woman Syndrome,”….but in this blog, I am just using it as an example of signs/red flags that appeared before marriage. On to another sign, most of them had also been cheated on by that spouse before they married as well! SIGNS! They are usually there. However, the interesting thing about signs/red flags is the sign you receive may not indicate the direct trauma you are about to experience. For example, let’s say your boyfriend constantly lies about everything. Those lies may not say exactly that you will be dealing with a cheater down the line…but they are signs that you are dealing with a person you cannot trust! And even if he does not turn out to be a cheating husband….he could be hiding an addiction. I am just pointing this out to let you know that signs are red flags that something is off. Sometimes they indicate the exact thing and sometimes they indicate that even if you cannot put your finger on it….you need to get the hell out of there and RUN! Okay now that that is settled….back to Tina. I asked her about possible signs that her second husband wasn’t shit specifically because they dated AND lived together for about 7 or 8 years before they married! Since I was a teenager, I always thought the mistake most women in my family made was marrying very young. As I grew up, I realized that even the women who married in their 30s made the same or worst mistakes than my family members who were teenage brides! FML! I use to think as long as I don’t marry my first boyfriend, first love, and the first guy to take my virginity….which for me all equals ONE guy, Julio,…..then I would beat the generational curse. FML! The 30 some year olds in my family broke this theory over and over again. Ugh…I am just so exhausted! This is one of the main reasons why I lean on the NO MARRIAGE side. Not one living person in my family had a good marriage. The women were abused and the men were abusers/womanizers! Only my great grandmother, Alice, I am told….had a great marriage with my great grandfather, DADA. I can believe this because while Dada died when I was very young, I got to experience the love and care from Alice. She was an extraordinary woman! I can only see her as having the best that life had to offer. Miss you grandma, Alice. Now back to the signs. According to Tina, she did not see any signs while dating her second husband but she does admit she was working so much to put her child through college that it is possible she missed them. Now here’s where things get tricky. I am not doubting that Tina believes this to be her experience but I have a big problem with it. Remember that 10% that can hide themselves better than anyone else? Yea…Tina’s second husband was NOT that bright. And OMG was he ugly. Lol. Just had to point that out because while they were married for almost a decade….I don’t think I can pick him out of a line up…but I know his ass was UGLY inside and out! Anytime I was over their house having dinner with other family members…her second husband was rude. I am really having a hard time believing that that toad was ever charming! Dead ass! Since Tina either had a memory lapse or is delusional, I asked her to describe what their dating life was like for those 7 or 8 years prior to marriage. From there, I pointed out what I saw as SIGNS…. Maybe not signs that he would be an abusive cheater but signs he was not a good man. Each sign, I presented, Tina made an excuse for how she saw it. Now her voice is high and shaking. I am not trying to upset her…trust that I am not. I am trying to get her to see that there were in fact signs! Tina disagreed with me. And that’s her truth as she knows it. I cannot argue with her about her life but in a bigger picture sense….there’s a larger demon to tackle. If we don’t admit to ourselves that there were signs/red flags….we forever stay the victim! If we missed the signs the first time around and don’t admit to doing so….we now go through life thinking bad stuff just happens to us and that we can never control any of it. Yikes! I don’t want to go through life not taking responsibility in the demise of my own heart! And I need to try something different from the women in my family because I want a better life! Not judging them….just trying to break this generational curse. Now to the embarrassing part. If I am going to examine Tina, I am going to examine my damn self too but in more detail because I am the master of my own destiny and my pain will not set me back. My truth, as I know it, will set me free. The Ex Factor is the guy I’ve loved the most and he is also the most toxic guy to enter my life. He knows this. I say it often. When we met in Summer 2010, it was only to date for the summer before we BOTH went back to our first loves. I fell in love within in month and he fell in lust. Plus his first love turned out to be a whore who slept with one of his best friends! For me, once I knew I had feelings for the Ex Factor, Julio no longer existed. I had stopped being attracted to Julio back in January 2010 so falling out of complete love with him….made it that I permanently left him alone. I don’t know what drew me to the Ex Factor. He was 20 and I was 29. I really thought Julio, by default, was the only guy I would have real feelings for in my entire lifetime. Up until the Ex Factor, I considered myself REAL LOVE proof. Dated many guys and somewhat cared about most of them but never really loved! It caught me by fucking surprise and to this day I don’t understand why him. Why did I fall for the Ex Factor? Ten years later and I still don’t understand why I fell for him! But here’s the kicker….I got my first sign that I was in a toxic situation about 3.5 months into dating him. You have to understand that I was in denial about falling in love with him for YEARS. A deep denial. And maybe to this day it isn’t real love on my part…maybe it only disguised itself as such. My love is nothing like what is described in 1Corinthians13. I am not sure who can really love like that except God. And I am not sure if I can ever love a man like that. Just taking responsibility for my shit. Back to SIGNS! The Ex Factor had a BBQ Labor Day weekend in 2010. 3.5 months into us dating. Also, this was what I thought would be my final weekend in NJ before accepting a job in D.C. The Ex Factor invited me only because I invited him to my family’s block party back in July but he and his family were out of town that weekend. His invitation to me was one that said he didn’t really want me around his family….but he was just inviting me because I invited him. To this day, I only know his sister, and I met him through her and my sister! I never went to his family BBQ. The Ex Factor has always kept me at a distance. And so for the last ten years, I returned the favor….he only knows my siblings. Never invited him to a single family gathering after that summer. Another red flag is up until that point we were joined by the hip. I knew his friend circle well. Now I don’t know a single person he hangs out with. He can say the same for me of course. Lastly, Labor Day weekend in 2010, is when he told me he was not into doing long distance relationships and that he was not ready for a serious relationship. Up until I got my job in D.C., the Ex Factor moved like Casanova! But I guess that was because he was in lust and this was only suppose to be a summer thing! I should have left him for good that weekend….that’s been one of my biggest regrets that only a Labor Day Weekend in Vegas can cure. The anniversary of that weekend I should have left him….right when I got my signs….use to depress me so. But I digress. For the span of a decade, I would leave the Ex Factor at least once a year….except for 2016-2018 I think. It was a toxic cycle. I would leave, be sad for a little, and then carry on with my life until he popped up again. And yes I would always take him back! Once again, I was in denial about how deep I was in this mess! I had never been in a cycle such as this. Julio and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I’ve ever taken back! With Julio though, I would leave him because I wanted to date other guys…see what else was out there. We were just too young to be so serious. And he always knew he wanted to be married with children one day. I wanted none of that….turns out…with him. Julio spent years trying to “tame the shrew.” I just wanted to get my education, travel, and explore different guys. Good thing too or I would be bad in bed! Lol. Julio and I lost our virginities to each other…we needed to go learn from others before even attempting to settle down. At least….that was my theory. For 20 years, Julio would come back hoping we could work it out. I’ve known him now for 23 years. Despite his flaws, he deserves someone who wants him…not just someone settling for him. If you are still reading this…you have earned these confessions. Try not to judge me. After Labor Day Weekend 2010, there would always be signs that the Ex Factor was not good for me. Here are some of the big signs. In 2016, after we reconciled for like the millionth time, I asked him for a deeper commitment (right around the time I found out my dad had cancer). The Ex Factor said no. That’s when I should have exited stage left for good. 2015 is the last time he’s taken me on a date, 2016 he said no to a deeper commitment (as mentioned up above), 2017…the day before my Dad’s cancer removal surgery the Ex Factor took back his one “I love you”….said he doesn’t think he has ever been in love with anyone, 2018 I can’t think of what damaging thing he has done but I know he did some shit….just can’t remember, 2019 he told me I can date other guys (prior to….for years I had been telling him that he can leave me alone and go fuck other girls…my shop is closed….figured I would hold myself accountable here), and February 29, 2020, leap day, took the fucking cake! He had the nerve to tell me that he is only doing certain shit for his wife (clearly that ain’t me) and that I’m the one that has been chasing him for a decade! This is particularly hurtful because in June 2013, I accidentally moved to Richmond VA, to get away from the Ex Factor! I moved 340 miles to get away from him…yet I was chasing him?! He was on full block for 2014 until he left me a blocked voicemail! The fucking nerve! February 29, 2020 was our second in person fight and the worst fight we ever had! I started crying and then locked myself in the bathroom while I told him to get out!!! Up until that point, I HAD NEVER EVER CRIED IN FRONT OF A ROMANTIC PARTNER….not even Julio who has known me since I was 15 years old! He use to get so pissed at the that fact that he had never seen me cry! Welp Julio…I finally cried. Hence the dramatic movement of locking myself in my fucking bathroom! What a mess! So yes there were fucking signs! I could see them clear as day but I was in too deep! I know at this point you are probably questioning my sanity…shit I am questioning myself! The thing I’ve learned from this is…it is so much easier to walk away from someone when you don’t love them. Also, love can be blind or it can be painfully obvious and we still choose to stay! The one thing the Ex Factor got right was none of this would have been possible if I hadn’t kept taking him back. The woman does control the situationship/relationship. No matter what these jokers make you think….no one can continuously do shit to you (absent abuse, imprisonment etc.) unless you allow it. So why did I allow it? Karma! I’ve done so much shit to so many guys purposely and accidentally it ain’t even funny! Part of it is because I grew up around DV and learned that if you ever let a man control your world…you may end up severely injured or DEAD! Another part of it is, I have never ever seen healthy relationships in my family. Lastly, I’m immature as fuck and didn’t start growing up (in my personal life) until FIVE YEARS ago! And it was not because of the Ex Factor….my growth isn’t really about him. I just got tired of being the old emotionally cheating/sometimes physically cheating me that I had been since I was 15! I don’t know how the OG man whores in my family keep up their whoring well into their 60s! Whoa Chile! That sounds exhausting! Now I’m not saying I’m a whore….I am far from it….but what I am saying is I had an issue with fidelity and loyalty. I learned from the men in my family to always have a side piece waiting. That brings me to another point. Most men don’t cheat out of opportunity…anyone can make the opportunity to cheat because you cannot be with your spouse 24/7….they cheat out of insecurity! I learned that from interviewing the OGs and from myself. The insecure me always needs Phoenix waiting. Haven’t seen him in 6 years by the way. The insecure me always needed guys to be like shoes…in pairs. If I’m not getting what I want from the main guy…then my side guy provides. I stopped that shit, accidentally, in November 2015…after Elijah gave me that asshole rip! FML. So this November 2020 will make it 5 years that I’ve ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally loyal to a man….the Ex Factor! I did that shit for me. Even though the Ex Factor does not deserve me…I needed to stop these side entanglements (lol) because they were a waste of time with guys I didn’t even like nor care about. Phoenix is the exception out of all my side dudes. I will always have mad respect for him and be grateful for him. He took me through a lot of situations and was always there when I needed him. That’s a true friend right there. I only broke things off with him because he had a shot at keeping his family together and I wanted that for him. I want Phoenix to be happy! And I pray that he is. One more thing….ugh I know this blog is so long…my apologies for that….but I have to say this. I accept responsibility for the mess I’ve been in for the last 10 years. The end is near on that….I think. But I do have to admit some things. I have not always been kind to the Ex Factor. I don’t respect him as a man. He is not the type of man I want to introduce to my father. Most of the time I feel like I hate him more than love him. I speak to him in such a disrespectful way that I have never ever spoken to any other guy (while dating them). The Ex Factor has hurt me the most. I long for the day when that pain goes away because I don’t want to stay traumatized like so many women I know. I say this all to really say….we have been toxic to each other but I am only concerned with my healing. He is responsible for his own healing. I can only do the work for me. One day, I hope and pray I can recognize, appreciate, and love a good man. Kind of done thinking the Ex Factor and I can grow to be better people to each other. He’s in lust….and I’m not quite sure why I stayed so long. He was right…this ain’t love. Maybe it’s OBSESSION…NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN?! Whatever it is…I still feel it deeply. FML! ~KJM on Manic Monday. I know that was a lot. Digest and tell me how you feel. No matter what…. I still believe in love. Only God can take love away. Not man. 💙
