Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄
Well you knew it was coming…me combining two of my favorite things…wigs and sex! During yesterday’s Hump Day video, I gave tips on how you can flawlessly wear your wigs while having some of the best sex ever! No need to worry about that wig falling off during your best doggy style! I got you! ~KJM 😉
Inspired by the fourth season finale of the brilliant HBO show “Insecure,” I run down some tips on how not to get pregnant or how not to get someone pregnant for everyone! ~KJM is saying y’all better be wrapping it up especially if you are sleeping with someone you barely know and do not love! Safe sex is the best sex! 🙌🏽
It is raining hard here. A dark and dreary Monday…much like how I imagine the night Edgar Allen Poe described in the poem “The Raven.” Only it is morning…a dark and dreary morning filled with unexpected twists and turns in an unexpected world. I have been social distancing for weeks…solo. I video chat and FaceTime my family and friends as much as I can but there is something so isolating when social distancing by oneself. I mean…I am blessed to have my own place….yet I miss the human touch. Well…one particular human touch. The wind is howling and it’s just me around my dining room table. I need to start my day yet something is calling me. I started to write a blog a month and a half ago. A very personal blog but some how…I’m either not ready to share or I just do not feel the story is over. So right now as the winds pick up and visibility is low from my big beautiful living room windows…I want to tell you a story. May be fiction. May be reality. Who the fuck knows? I’ve been by myself for so long that the lines are blurring between fiction and reality. I am not crazy. I am just feeling something. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s the fact that globally the world is on lock down. All of our lives changed in a moment’s notice and now I am just trying to deal. Are you ready for a tale of two lovers in a world on the brink of madness?! I am just waiting for the lightning to appear now. A storm is brewing. I can feel it? Can you feel it? Well…let me take you there so you too can feel it… That morning I awoke unsure of what the day would bring. I have an impossible need. The need to be touched by my lover but I understand why we have to be separated. My phone screensaver has a picture of us. I never do shit like that. It’s so fucking girly….but these are unusual times. We text everyday and exchange “I miss you’s.” Because we are in the middle of a pandemic, I don’t have time to second guess us. I don’t have time to over think. The what are we doing and the where are we going questions don’t seem to matter now as we are prisoners in our homes. Shit that typically haunts me escapes me now. People are out there dying and it seems the universe is signaling that now is not the time for me to feed into my ego. Don’t believe me? Okay…I’m gonna back it up for you for a brief second before I continue my tale. The last time I saw the Ex Factor was on the morning of February 29. Leap day! Only it felt like we leaped into another fucking dimension. We made love in the wee hours of the early morning but once the sun rose…my ego started a conversation that would end up leading us to the worst argument we have ever had….once his unsure ego had awoken to answer mine!!!! If you recall, in the almost 10 years I have known the Ex Factor, we barely argue in person. This is really only the second time I can remember arguing while staring him in the face. To add insult to injury, somewhere in that conversation, I did something I have NEVER done in front of a lover before….I started crying. I could say more but it would just change the tone of the tale I’m telling. I am in the mood to write about passion….not pain. I am in a place where I desire to ride the blurry lines of reality verses fiction. I am in a zone where I want to take YOU…my readers…to complete ecstasy. Let me get on the ride and we can address the rest at another place and time. I just need to be touched. Studies have shown the importance of a single touch from the moment a baby’s born and up until a person takes their last breath. Touch matters. Keeping this in mind, I get in the shower and lather up. My lover is going to try and come see me. I don’t typically wear makeup when I spend alone time with him because I like our bodies to be one…nothing in between us. Just us in our nakedness. My lover is coming. I’ve had this deep desire for him. Not the type of desire a couple who lives together that may take each other for granted on a regular basis has….but the kind of desire that feels like he had been deployed to a war zone and he is finally coming home. So I prepare. I put makeup on and I slide into one of my sexiest see through dresses. The netted kind….for the best way to lay a trap is to have a net present. I want to captivate my lover’s mind, body, and soul on arrival! The Ex Factor is officially on his way! My heart starts to beat fast. My vagina is moist. I have no clue what we will say to each other but it’s clear time is short and there is so much life to live in these tiny moments. And I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIFE!!! The minute we went on lockdown, I felt like I was no longer living life. I have just been existing. I am so sick of just existing!!! He has arrived! We both have our masks on. First thing we do is lay down and hold hands. I know…it’s forbidden but I need to be touched. It had been weeks since I had been in the presence of a human being that was not my food delivery guy. It’s been JUST ME! So we hold hands. I want to kiss him. I want to take my mask off….he told me he would keep his on if I felt uncomfortable in mine. Truth be told….I’m nervous and my mask is uncomfortable…the Ex Factor has to actually tie another mask for me. So yes this is risky and yes it’s uncomfortable but I would be lying if I said I was not intrigued by the thought of us fucking with masks on! I know! I know! What a weird fucking fantasy to have! It’s a new one and clearly this is the first time we are testing it out. The Ex Factor is already hard…just from us holding hands! It’s agreed upon that best sexual position to execute in a time of corona virus is me being the rider. Actually….let me correct that statement! The best thing to do is NOT do what we are doing but I digress! Thanks to all those back bends I’ve learned in yoga….I definitely think this was the best way to go. I am not the best with measurements but I assure you…this was some freaky shit…linking our sensual parts….while giving us as much space as possible to maneuver. Masks still on. Interesting note about the masks…is you exert so much more energy as you execute each position. Felt like I had just showed up to a damn fitness bootcamp…with just enough energy to get the job done…before passing out! Because we had not had sex in over a month and a half and had been social distancing during that time…I did not expect much from our sexual encounter. I mean we’ve been masturbating our way through this self quarantine that I did not expect it to be a long ride…much less one I would climax in. I mean I was just happy to hold his hands! Out of the corner of my eyes….during one of my back bends, I see the Ex Factor looking at my closet mirror that’s on the right side of us. This dude is definitely having the same fantasy I’m having….only he just took it up a notch. I mean…I was not watching us. Kind of hard to…the way I am positioned! But he’s into it so now I’m even more engaged. Breathlessly riding him from every back bend position I can think of and that my body will allow. Digging my un-manicured nails into his flesh. We are both so turned on. Wait….how the fuck are we so turned on during such a stressful time! I wish I could kiss him. I wish I could whisper naughty stuff in his ears. I wish we did not have all of these confinements. I wish we were free. But I’m grateful for the fantasies we create together. We are still going. My bed sounds like it’s going to break. I’m warning him that we cannot break my bed! Mid ride, I start to fantasize about some of the things we use to do when we were not restricted. I speak those fantasies out loud. He chimes in. We are in sync. The Ex Factor whispers something to me that I always love to hear. It feeds into my need to control what happens in our bedroom and for now…it still stays between us. I think that’s one of the reasons why I have loved him like no other man….because this one thing…he’s the only one that’s given it to me. I’m starting to shake but I’m still focusing on him. He’s concentrating hard…. How could I have missed it?! The Ex Factor is on a similar mission! My body is convulsing and I feel like I can barely breathe with this damn mask on. I’m shaking and sweating. I’m starting to have an out of body experience. My poor fucking bed. We really bout to break this shit. My neighbors are probably cussing me the fuck out. Yet I cannot focus on any of that. He’s going to take me there before I take him there. I cannot believe this shit! I’m focused on his pleasure and he was focused on mine. All of a sudden my body starts to speak in tongues and I’m cuming. My entire body is trembling but like a good jockey, I’m still holding on for dear life until we both cross the finish line! Thank goodness babe was right behind me because I don’t think I could have held on any longer! Fuck! I’m still shaking….aftershocks. And I’m also thinking….what the fuck just happened here?! I…was…not…ready….for the depth of passion we shared on this particular evening. I am still just laying there…mask on…sweating…and shaking. ~KJM reporting on passion in a time of Corona. Maybe this shit happened. Maybe it didn’t. The lines are so blurry between reality and fiction. But never question why I love that man. 💙 I hope you are all being good to yourselves. Love, touch, feel, and fuck (from a social distance or once quarantine is over) when you can because life is so short and true passion is unique. DISCLAIMER: This blog is for entertainment purposes only! Do not try anything in it! Continue to practice social distancing as recommended by the CDC. One love❤️
https://youtu.be/fv_hFewZgAM #Nomakeup #Sunday #loveisblindnetflix #loveisblind #netflix #netflixandchill #dating #marriage #onlinedating #pods #laurenandcameron #damianandgigi #kennyandkelly #amberandmattbarnett #carltonanddiamond #jessicaandmark #sundayfunday #sundayvibes #sundaymood #sundaymotivation #blackgirlswhovlog #blackwomenwhovlog #eternallove #unconditionallove #istillbelieveinlove
It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??♀️??♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??♀️??♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??♀️??♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!
It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??♀️??♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??♀️??♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??♀️??♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!
Yesterday, at Thanksgiving Dinner, I was deeply engrossed in a fascinating yet depressing topic…no…not politics…but dating in your late 40s, 50s, and 60s. I got to ask some of the older men and some of the youngest men in my family about relationships. I’ve known Papa Michaels’ stance on dating when young (sleep with as many of them as you can before you settle down??♀️….obviously advice he’s giving to the boys…but not necessarily deterring his grown daughters from this behavior because to him we will always be his innocent angels?)! And I have had conversations with my uncles about this topic for the last couple of years. My brother, Junior, and my BFF, Zack, are two men that give me HOPE. Not all men are dedicated to a life of misogynistic views and being womanizers!!! But unfortunately, I have a lot in my family that are… They are under the premise that one woman will never be enough…instead of realizing that perhaps it is THEM that fall short in how they view themselves that has them thinking that the issue is with women. ?? Perhaps, these men/boys know deep down inside that they aren’t enough and overcompensate by participating in the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical destruction of women…whom for the most part…only wanted to love them. For example, I have an uncle (whom I love dearly) who has 6 baby mamas that have given him 8 beautiful children. My aunt was his ONLY wife. Right now it appears that he goes back and forth between a few of the baby mamas. Love him to pieces but am of course thoroughly disgusted. When asked how he manages to get away with this mess in his 60s…he apparently replied that…these women decided to put up with his crap because they feel the next dude will just do much of the same!!!! ??? Is this what dating in the 40s, 50s, and 60s…look like?! ?Is this what dating in general looks like?! If so…shout out to all the seriously committed lesbians who take care of their women! Rise up! And show us single and fucking delusional women how to rise up and demand what we deserve!!! We may not be lesbians but you can still give us hope in walking in our feminine energy firmly and confidently cause apparently when we are dealing with men…most of us straight women SETTLE! What a time to be straight!!!! Fml. All of this got me to thinking…is this what I’m doing with the Ex Factor? Thinking this is as good as it gets and the next dude will be scared of commitment? A great part of me thinks NOT…. I have had real relationships on breaks with the Ex Factor. Committing was not their issue. Immaturity and treating women like their property were the main issues I ran up on. That and I realized I was still in love with the Ex Factor. I hold my own so much better when love is not involved! The Ex Factor and once upon a time…Julio….are the only two reoccurring romantic love interest men in my life. Many other guys thought I wouldn’t walk away from them but I did. And now even Julio is on that list. I’m waiting for the day that it permanently happens with the Ex Factor. When I’m free. Leaving him in his sea of brokenness. That day is close….I feel it. And I truly believe my great love is on his way. He will have so much to teach me about love, building a life together, and the strength of a man who believes in building an empire with a woman he views as his equal….the ying to his yang. I await that day…until that day I will say this….if you see me with a man that’s a known cheater or I even feel he’s out there fucking others….if I ain’t leave him…I’m dishing much of the same. ? Men can be boys all they want but they can never outdo women in love nor cheating. Yo…womanizing men…you sure the baby is yours? Lol. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday but was originally written on the Flashback Friday after Thanksgiving. The things I say may be ignorant and unladylike but I stand by what I say. If you a good dude…this does NOT apply to you. To all the women out there….You cannot continue to be a good woman to a bad man. You just giving your life away without even fighting for it. Bad girls are either born or made…I was born. ??
Mercury is currently in retrograde for the third and last time this year. For those who don’t understand what this means…google it. Shit is backwards and most signs are feeling the effects. And of course I’ve been showing my ass! So much so that I ain’t making no sudden movements until November 21! If you have something you want to hash out with me…it’s best to wait until then because I can’t guarantee what the outcome is going to be. I could hug you or I could tell you to go F yourself. Man…it could be a little bit of both. ??♀️ So I’m putting my foot in my mouth (with some help) and Mercury’s backwards ass is watching like my life is some good reality tv! ??♀️ So I sit and wait for some sort of normalcy. Sitting and waiting. Did I mention that I’m running so late this morning that I actually had to have a conversation with myself and ask myself if I was really headed to work?! ? Took a look at my bills and realized I had to go…. ? On NJ transit now…so I’m headed to somewhere in the city….bobbing and weaving the universe as I hold on to my lace frontal! I’m kind of wondering why Mercury’s butt did not write ahead of time to say….Hey Kingston, not only are the winter blues gonna tear you up but this retrograde is gonna have you looking like a clown around town?! That kind of letter would have been appreciated. One thing I’m learning is what I will and will not tolerate from myself and others. There are some I’m so sorry the retrograde got you caught up in my web and others that I’m making note are toxic folks year round…the retrograde is just highlighting what I may have missed. Did I mention that lately everything makes me cry? ??♀️ Damn that Mercury! I mean besides in times of death and sickness….I’m learning to cry when my money is funny! ???♀️ Yup losing what’s left of my fake mink eyelashes (at least I think they are) knowing damn well I can’t afford to go back and see my lash lady no time soon! ??♀️ Just plain Tom foolery…. yup that’s what this retrograde is. I wonder if this is how pregnant women feel throughout the entire nine months?! Or menopausal women?! ? If so….I just can’t be apart of none of that! Trying to figure out how to get this bitch Mercury off of me? Got ideas?! I mean ideas that require absolutely no jail time?! I’m…like…too pretty…for jail. ??♀️?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. How’s the retrograde treating y’all? Anybody wig still on right? Lashes still in place? Write in and let me know lol. ❤️
