Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

The After Fuck Feeling

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It is dark and rainy here. That’s the mood…dark and rainy. I know it has been awhile since I have blessed you with a blog but I keep telling you that I am a WRITER….not a BLOGGER! Thus, I need something like the Mercury Retrograde and the Ex Factor being in town for me to dig deep into my emotions and unleash on you. Are you ready for this explosion? The explosion that is the after fuck feeling?

You know it. You have felt it only you probably could not put it into words. As a matter of fact, I described the feeling to my Auntie P and she is the one that coined that feeling…the feeling we all know too well….as THE AFTER FUCK FEELING.

Now bear with me. I want to take you on this ride. I want us to explore this topic deeply but the goal here is to stay away from the after fuck feeling. And to be crystal clear, the main examples that I will use are in a sexual context but this feeling can be felt in ALL relationships…not just romantic. Also, this is not a single verses married feeling. Anyone can experience the after fuck feeling but I would bet money that most married people feel it more often than singles. Singles, if they are bold enough and less detached, can walk away from anyone who makes them feel this way. Some of us though, love the person so much that we just deal with it. We are idiots! IDIOTS! But that’s a story for another time.

Enter THE AFTER FUCK FEELING. Let’s start with the actual fuck. You are laying there naked, physically and emotionally, with your favorite person. He is everything you ever dreamed of…naked that is. Two seconds after you both orgasm (if you are lucky), he gets up and proceeds to get dressed and head out your door. You are shocked. I mean you just did your best sexing and gave him all you had and out the door he goes. I mean if this was an explicit booty call situation this would not be shocking! But this is someone you actually care about and have been dating for awhile! Starting to feel that feeling? You know the one. “Like he just fucked you out and tossed you to the side!” At least that’s exactly how Auntie P likes to describe it! Now imagine if you didn’t even orgasm and all of this occurs…oh baby, I know you are about to lose it now! Pussy dry and unsatisfied. He got his and you are now left in your feelings….the AFTER FUCK FEELING!!!

What happens next? Maybe you start to regret sleeping with him? Maybe you start to go over all the red flags that he displayed early on but you decided to ignore? Maybe you wished you had just spent the night with your damn vibrator, Bullet! Bullet would have never missed the spot physically! So many regrets but the worst thing is not about the physical aspect. I want you to back away from the highly anticipated and hard to duplicate….female orgasm. The vaginal female orgasm eludes most men. The concept just like…goes over their head…literally. If we stop and dissect why that is….we will never get to the core of the after fuck feeling. Orgasm or not…the after fuck feeling lingers. The ability for a person to take from you in one moment and discard you in the next moment…that is the core of the after fuck feeling! You are tossed out like today’s trash by someone you gave your all to. Someone you constantly show up for. Someone who you see but they never actually SEE you. They hear you but you are not actually being HEARD. Not understood. You are an afterthought to them and they happily show it. Ouch!

Now let me break this down for the marrieds because this is not just a singles issue! Imagine you have spent all day working and when you get home your husband expects you to cook for him and tend to the children while he watches the news. He hasn’t lifted a finger to cook nor clean and to top it off…today was his damn day off! You, in your already very exhausted body, must now do everything in your household! To add insult to injury, your husband wants to have sex that night. You also have to do all the work there too! Thank goodness you know where your own G spot is or this whole damn day would be for the birds! After your husband orgasms, he gets up and proceeds to play video games until he is ready for bed. Are you feeling the after fuck feeling here? Cause I am literally wondering….what in the actual fuck is happening in some of your homes?! The next day you rinse and repeat this shitty ass day and so on! Girl….are you not mentally and emotionally exhausted?

Now I want to reiterate that the after fuck feeling can occur outside of romantic relationships but it would be silly of me to not point out to my male readers that complain they aren’t getting enough sex from their wives or long term partners that…that might be because you are not even trying to tend to your woman’s physical and emotional needs!!! Have you washed a plate lately? Have you helped put your kids to bed? Do you have days where you let you wife sleep in and you get the children ready for school? Hell….when was the last time you walked the damn dog without being asked?! While every woman has her own primary love language…acts of services will almost always get you the love and affection of a good woman. I don’t care if she is a feminist or a traditional woman…men do more in your homes than financially provide and letting your dick rise! Like the quest for multiple orgasms, we should be in this together!

So now that we have explored the after fuck feeling in a sexual context that hopefully singles and marrieds can understand…let’s take another look at it from a different angle. Let’s leave the sex out of it. I know that’s hard but let’s try. Here we go! You ever have a friend or family member that you always show up for but they never show up for you? For example, a friend that only calls you when something is wrong in her life but if you call her when times are rough with you…she always has an excuse of why she cannot fully listen to what’s going on with you? Or have you ever had a grown adult child that never calls home unless they need to borrow money! Money they never plan on paying back! In these instances, someone is intending to use up your resources, whether it is your time or money, and never replenish any of it! This does not mean give with the expectation of receiving. That is not what the after fuck feeling is about. What lies at the core of the after fuck feeling is the process of someone looking at you as something to be used up and tossed to the side. You are only as good to them when they can use you. After that, you are just dried up and left in your feelings. The feeling of being used and unwanted. The feeling of falling for the same okie doke every time because the person who wants access to your resources is someone you love and care about. Now some folks get left with the after fuck feeling with every single person they encounter. That’s not normal and that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about those of us left with this feeling because we care and love just too damn hard for some people! And we are essentially left disappointed in them and ourselves every time we encounter our loved ones!

Awww the after fuck feeling. The Ex Factor has been making me feel this way for years! Every time I see him, I feel like I am betraying myself and as the years go on….I have less of a desire to spend time with him and he cannot understand why! Right now we are up to once a year (my choice…not his). But soon I think it will be no time a year. I can stay by my damn self and feel good every day!

I also have a couple of family and friends that leave me feeling this way and have recently (within the last 3 years) set boundaries with them or fully cut them off! Boy was that hard! My heart was/is breaking but oh baby I got to live for me! And that’s the damn point ain’t it? To live freely and unapologetically in love and laughter! Maybe in some sickness and in health but baby not when you purposely using me up to but me down when I cannot be of service to you! Free yourselves from the after fuck feeling! I am almost there and I cannot wait to share with you guys from that mountain top of self expression and self love! I am slowly climbing towards it. Leaving the after fuck behind every step of the way.

Time to wrap this up. If you are a man reading this and you made it all the way to the end of this blog….I am ready to answer your burning question! YES, you are capable of feeling the after fuck feeling too and baby it still isn’t right. This is not a gender specific feeling but I always write from a woman’s perspective because I am a woman. So men, if this applies to you….time to do something about it. We all deserve to be loved for who we are and we deserve to have that love reciprocated.

Okay dear readers! Be blessed in all you do today. You are worthy of great love, friendship, and family-ship that show up not only on sunny days but also rainy days. Let’s stop betraying ourselves by showing up for folks who are never going to appreciate it. That is….let’s leave the after fuck feeling…in the after!

~KJM. Shout out to my Auntie P for coining this term! You are infamous now! We may free some folks to completely walk away from this feeling and that’s fucking revolutionary!

If Nothing Is Sacred….

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It is almost 3 years to the day since you told me you wanted her. HER…not me. You said she was closer to your age AND it (being you and her) can go somewhere. Where? I don’t know the destination but you strongly implied that you and I are living at destination nowhere. I HEARD you loud and clear. You desired her and I wanted you to be happy…despite the misery you had been causing me. My mama always told me…if they want to leave…OPEN the door for them…even wish them well. I couldn’t do that last part…wish y’all well but I did let you go…physically and emotionally.

That day in August…you let me know that nothing was sacred between you and I. The ten years I spent loving you the best I could…meant nothing. Ashes to ashes…dust to dust…was my love, loyalty, and trust along with my hopes and dreams for us. I really never thought I would hear from you ever again. You found HER and nothing would be sacred between us again.

Before the year (2020) ended, I heard from you. What happened? Did she think you would be more open and honest with her than you were with me? Did she expect holidays with your family…in matching pajamas like a wife should be. Silly rabbit. Tricks have always been for kids. What did you think would happen when you switched out my womb for hers? Of course she would want the white picket fence and all the emotional love you had not been capable of giving. Of course she would want MORE and be IMPATIENT about it. That’s youth for you. She bedded you so quickly that she probably never got a chance to read the instruction manual that came with you. I loved you despite of all your flaws. I have them too. We were two of a kind until you gave away what was so sacred between us.

Now you are back and trust is forever broken. I think of you climaxing in her raw…sometimes. I think of you lying and telling her that she was the Sun to your Moon. Let it be clear that for 13 years…I have been the Dawn that brought out the Sun. I have been the dusk to your Moon. I am the light in every form. I am the fucking Sun and Moon. I have been all things to you and you never quite appreciated it. That was apparent when you showed me that nothing was ever going to be sacred between us again.

If nothing is sacred between us…let him sample me. Let him sing about my tightness…that tightness that I haven’t shared with anyone else in the last 8 years whether we were together or apart. If nothing is sacred between us…let him climax within me…the way you did with her…ever so easily. Let him taste me. Let him chase me. Let him crave me. Let him devour me. ME….YES ME. Let his manhood curve into and match my womanhood. Allow me to be his appetizer, main course, and dessert….let me top him off as his night cap. I am asking you because I don’t want you to feel betrayed the way I did…every time you were with her behind my back. If nothing is sacred between us…allow me to be sacred with him. Maybe between my inner walls and each of his thrusts…there lies love, trust, and loyalty. All the things, I did not receive from you.

If nothing is sacred between us…let me explore. Explore all of him. Tell him my secrets and my deepest desires. Wait for me if you dare. You are confident enough to watch him taste my narrow walls. You are confident enough to watch him break through me….over and over again. You are confident enough to hear me call out his name during our throes of passion. I shall write love notes on his body…the way I use to do to yours when things were sacred between us.

Let me be crystal clear. This battle is between YOU AND I. She was always inconsequential. A mere symptom of what was wrong between us. Betrayal can only come from those closest to us. Somehow this tightness of my womanhood that only desired you and only you for so long…has wandering eyes. I SPY HIM and I am ripe for a new lover affair. Wonder what it is like to kiss someone that isn’t you. Tell him my deepest and darkest fears. I wonder what it is like to have trust in my life again. I wonder what it is like to have his climax live only for mine. I wonder what it is like to be sacred with HIM in any time and space we choose. Will it be love? Will it be lust? It can be all of it with an endless possibility of trust. I wonder what it is like to be HIS SUN and be certain HE IS MY MOON? If nothing is sacred between us…I just may find out. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. I don’t write often anymore but when I do…I hope you feel me pouring into you…each of my readers…with every word.

NURTURING NOWHERE

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Nurturing nowhere. Now I know your first thought is…why would anyone take the time to nurture nowhere at all? This blog is going to explain just how and why this happens. Before I can successfully introduce the concept of nurturing nowhere…I need to give you some background information on me. I am a BLACK FEMINIST (I cannot stress this enough because there are some huge differences between the intersection of modern day Black and White feminism. There is a blog out there that already breaks this down for you but THIS IS NOT THAT BLOG). At the heart of feminism is equality but each feminists gets to decide where she/they applies that equality in her/their lives. I can only speak for myself.

My entire life I have been a leader…whether it was in school, after school activities, helping to raise children at a very young age, or work. I think most leaders are born…not made but any good leader knows there is a time and place where they must learn to follow. It is in these times that they become the strongest type of leader. They take that new knowledge and share. There is always something new under the sun to be learned. As long as we are breathing, we have the ability to adapt and learn. No one knows everything. THIS is an important concept. Without it, I could not begin to explore the art of nurturing nowhere.

Most men think they are qualified to lead just because of their gender! This is as preposterous as it sounds! There should be higher requirements for leadership than gender like does he have a purpose, good listening skills, great communication skills, works well under pressure, and so on. The world is falling apart right now because of…MEN! And that says a lot. But even with me being a BLACK FEMINIST, I am not opposed to a man leading in a relationship. I mean God leads me and my Daddy and brothers lead me in areas they are versed in. So I can follow and my natural feminine energy wants to follow. It’s exhausting leading all the time. I have been leading since grade school! For once, it would be nice if someone else had a plan and could implement it without ruffling my natural feminine energy. Despite the popular belief of most guys that know me, I don’t want to carry the penis AND the vagina! The vagina is strong and is a lot work in herself. Let me tend to my vagina UNLESS you (this so called leader of a man) have no fucking clue where you are headed. Baby if I sense you don’t have direction and purpose for yourself…I won’t let you lead me to the local Taco Bell! No….sir! You have to know where you are going and propose it to me in reasonable and thought out way…if you want me to follow. Imagine a math teacher only showing students the answers but they do not have the ability to show them the steps to get to said answers! How will these students thrive in the future when they need to build on their math foundation?!!!!

Now let’s go back to men leading. If it is their job to lead…then it is a woman’s job to NURTURE. Keep following me….putting feminism aside….where does this leave us women when the man leading does not have a purpose, has no plan for himself, no faith system that leads him (FYI…this has nothing to do with going to church every day and/or week. I am talking true belief system that guides him when no one is watching!), he has no plan for us…he is just…like …winging it, and his true nature is one of a follower. Do you see the problem? This is why leading by gender is a very dangerous concept. Not every man is a born leader! Now I know we have people who do not identify as any gender…this concept stays the same because you can ask these same questions of whomever that wants to lead. I believe we all have masculine and feminine energies inside of us. Some energies are natural to us while others are forced upon us in certain situations like me being the penis when all I want to be is the vagina. And forget about when I have to tap into both energies at the same damn time…EXHAUSTING.

Ok now we are getting closer to nurturing nowhere. Let’s get into the nurturing part. If women are natural born nurturers, then that means we nurture whatever our partners give us. If a man has no plan, purpose, nor belief system…then essentially he is giving a woman nothing to nurture. She is NURTURING NOWHERE. But if that man has a plan, purpose, and belief system….he is giving his woman space to NURTURE SOMEWHERE! Now why am I using the words nowhere and somewhere? I think love is a journey just like life. We don’t have to be at the final destination for me to follow. I just need my man to run the blueprint by me. Now this is not to be confused with falling in love with a man’s potential!!!! I can’t stress this point enough! It is more so about seeing that your man is a visionary in his own life, been taking baby steps towards his vision, hasn’t given up on himself nor his vision, indicates that you may be part of that long term vision, asks his woman about HER VISION (this one is so important), and lets you know there is room to grow and learn in life. These are just SOME things I look out for but tailor things to your own life and love.

Let’s go back to the part when I said a man should also ask you what your vision is! If his plan and purpose are just his alone…he is not making room for you nor any other partner. Him asking you about your vision may indicate a future for you both and how the two visions can coexist. For example, your man may want to open a bunch of businesses. He meets you and you are a baker at a bakery! You are both passionate about your career goals. Perhaps some of the businesses you both start together may be a string of bakeries around your state! BAM! His vision and your vision connect beautifully! I think this can also work even if both your career paths cannot be easily intertwined. I have a friend whose husband told her to go to graduate school first as he works and takes care of their children. Once she was done, they switched off and he went to graduate school while she worked and helped out more with the kids. Her husband didn’t think his vision for himself was more important than her vision for herself. They compromised and made both visions a family vision! Any time a person is only focused on what they want….it is probably not going to be a true partnership and most likely you are dealing with a narcissist. But I digress.

Why would a woman nurture nowhere? Two reasons that come to mind are (1) she loves that man and/or (2) she is a little lost herself! Men be careful though because whether it’s 1 or 2…the end result is usually the same. A woman will nurture nowhere til she bumps into a man who is giving her the space and opportunity to nurture somewhere! BOOM! ~KJM dropping some knowledge on you today. I may revisit this topic in the near future. For now I must rest the P (for penis) on my chest and hope this is a day I can relax in my natural feminine energy. FYI women tend to end up resenting men that force them into masculine energies 24/7.

Two Hunks And A Truck (The Departure of Voldemort Edition)

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Setting the scene. Every now and then I tell a story of two crazy lovers that has nothing to do with the Ex Factor and I. This is one of those very times. Grab some popcorn and wine. We are off to explore a tale of two lovers but before we can…three may just be a crowd. Enter my sister: Brenda, her situation: Voldemort, and her boyfriend: Juan Pablo. Three’s company…this ain’t. Only one man can win Brenda’s heart.

The Situation. Voldemort also known as “he who shall not be named.” Okay…in order for me, KJM, to take a trip into a real life Hogwarts that is located…let’s say…in the teeny tiny state of modern day Connecticut…I have to step into Brenda’s first person voice and take you there. I am a little scared because I have never read nor watched any of the Harry Potter books and movies. Soon you will realize that none of that matters. This is a tale of lust and love. Definitely not a PG13 love story. So from here on out…I am Brenda and Brenda is me.

Now back to The Situation. Where to begin? Oh yes…silence. Our story begins with silence. Voldemort and I had not spoken for months. Prior to this eerie silence, we had been seeing each other and having “casual” sex. Heavy on the quotes around the word casual. Voldemort often got emotional about not feeling like he was enough for me relationship wise and…now sexually. Awkward. I know. Who wants to fuck a man who mentally and emotionally thinks he is a limp dick?! But I loved him so here we are. Limp dick city…more so emotionally than physically. Yet the result is still the same. A void. Space between us even when we laid together. I never saw Voldemort as less than. It is so important for me to make that clear. We could have been great together had I not spent more time acting like his therapist (upon his request) than his lover. I just wanted to love and be loved. It was that simple for me. My heart had once chosen him and I truly wished he believed that.

The Move Part 1. I was back in Connecticut thanks to a wonderful new job offer. Found a new apartment shortly after receiving my offer. This apartment as simple as it seems…changed the course of my life. Unbeknownst to me, things were falling into place by divine intervention. Three weeks before my move in date, I ran into Voldemort at a R&B kickback where he was oddly signaling to the entire party that we were a thing! A thing?! A silent thing, maybe? A dead thing, perhaps? But not a current thing?! I am just baffled. This fool was constantly pushing up behind me and putting his arms around me…like we just laid together last night?! Now I am even more confused. Hadn’t seen his penis in months. No messages on the therapy hotline neither. Damn…I sure hope my real future husband isn’t at this kickback thinking me and Lord Voldemort got a thing going on?! Cause we don’t.

The Move Part 2. Still at the R&B kickback with “he who shall not be named” attached to my very single and ready to mingle with anyone but him ass. Did I mention that I attended this kickback with my best guy friend? Voldemort did not believe that my male bestie was just a platonic friend. He was always paranoid. This dude truly needs a licensed therapist. Don’t believe me? About twenty minutes later after I said I was leaving the party, Voldemort WhatsApp video called me to see if I was with someone. My male bestie told me this would happen but I was still in shock. In shock that after months of not speaking, Voldemort was acting like a dog peeing on a tree in order to mark his territory! In shock that I even picked up his mother fucking WhatsApp video call from his damn android phone, when I, an iPhone user, should have just ignored his call. I am not his territory. Never was and turns out never will be. Yet, I entertained him by talking on that damn video chat until I fell asleep that night. I know. Stupid, right? I wish I could say I was drunk but I was just simply in a state of confusion.

The Move Part 3. Omg…I am so ready to move and at this point…I know you are ready for me to move. Let’s get to the life changing parts of this story. After the kickback, I didn’t speak to Voldemort for two weeks. More silence. Then suddenly he was everywhere. Popped up at my teenage nephew’s football game to tell me he was in therapy and owed it all to me. How did I feel about it? I mean I was happy he was getting help but still couldn’t figure out how he even knew I would attend this game. Later that night, he propositioned me for sex via text. This was an easy NO THANKS. Guess therapy was not quite working yet. Now it is time for my move. I am so ready for this move. New job! New place! and next stop…NEW MAN!

Moving Day. To my surprise, the universe was working over time. Needed help moving my clothes from one of my friend’s houses into my new place. Movers weren’t due to move my furniture from my storage unit to my apartment til late that afternoon. Enter Lord Voldemort. I figured the least he could do was help me move my clothes in the morning. I slept over his place the night before without touching him. My motive is just to get help with the first part of my move and since Voldemort worked second shift, he was the perfect person to ask. Morning came and we moved all my clothes into my new apartment! I could not believe that move in day was finally here! Filled with so much gratitude for my new job and new place, I overlooked how a somewhat ordinary day became extraordinary!

Two Hunks and A Truck. Voldemort had planned on waiting with me until my movers came but as luck would have it…the two fine movers from Two Hunks and a Truck were a couple hours late! “He who shall not be named” had to head to work. Work work work! Thank goodness for Voldemort’s job. Setting the scene again. Two Hunks and a Truck did not false advertise. Hours late yes but fine ass movers?! YES YES YES! I was shocked! Don’t ever remember movers being so good looking in my past moves. My vision is kind of sharp…yet I am asking myself if I am seeing what I am seeing! Muscles and sexy men! And “it’s not even my birthday!”

Voldemort’s Departure. Enter Juan Pablo! Baby one of the movers wanted to professionally and unprofessionally lick the icing off of…ME! YES you read that right. My old man…V whatever his name was…left around 1 p.m. and baby my new man, Juan Pablo, moved my furniture into my place around 2 p.m. I really want to thank Jah for my move in day but all the nasty sexy little things that occurred in the weeks to come were absolutely sinful. Father, forgive me for I have sinned! Within weeks, after each date night, I was calling his name. Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo! I was touching my toes, I was bench pressing, and I was squatting all while my new man spotted me. My body was in a state of ecstasy. I would jump and Juan Pablo would catch me! The courtship. The commitment. It all happened so fast. I was under new management! No need to look back. No need to feel insecure. No need to be a full time therapist. No need for games. Two Hunks and A Truck literally meant that if one of them hunks parked their truck in your parking garage…baby…he ain’t going no where! I quickly put Voldemort on block and never looked back! No matter where or how he popped up….I wanted no parts of him. “I met someone who would do the work for me before he even knew I was worth it.” And that has made a world of difference! ~KJM signing off as Brenda. In one moment, your life can change for the better. This story is a reminder that you to keep going. Brenda thought Voldemort felt like love but she was really trauma bonded. Love is on the way baby!

The Train

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The subway. It has been such a long time since I have written anything and the first two words I share with you are “the subway.” Disappointing, at first, perhaps but stick with me. Nothing is as it seems when I allow myself to pour deeply into my subconscious and become somewhat conscious. I have been thinking of writing this for a while. Not sure why it took me so many years to get here. Where is here? The train also known as the NYC subway. Pre-pandemic, I worked 12 plus hours a day…6 to 7 days a week…and rode both NJ Transit and the MTA like a zombie. Train after train….face after face…some days nothing stuck and other days everything stuck. It was on one of these everything stuck train rides that birthed this particular blog. I cannot remember the year but I can remember the time period…February something. Not sure how long I had been dating the Ex Factor. Ah yes…I know you were wondering if he would be in this story and almost 13 years later…he is still in this story. I should be embarrassed or ashamed but we all maneuver in life the best way we can. Right at the start of the pandemic, I got so tired from declaring I was leaving him like I do every year. My poor friends and family were probably finally relieved I have retired from the dramatics. You leave people or stay with people exactly when you are suppose to. Declarations that you just don’t stick to become similar to New Year’s resolutions that we never quite complete. Embarrassing…I know but I always forget that I am HUMAN and by definition my life is plagued with mistakes. Anyways…enough of that disclaimer! You know good and damn well that you are on the train with the Ex Factor and I whether you like it or not! The train. On this particular evening, I was working down by Wall Street. I say that because this train ride was long enough for me to notice and feel everything. Damn…I am kind of wondering if this was in 2012…I know for a fact that February the Ex Factor and I were beefing around Valentine’s Day. I vaguely remembered that I had to work and he wanted to spend part of V Day with me and then go on to his other plans?! Hopeless romantic…he ain’t. Okay….wait that cannot be February 2012 because I was working somewhere in Midtown. Shorter train ride to the Port of Authority and less time to observe. Plus I know for a fact, the Ex Factor and I argued so bad…I stopped speaking to him for a couple of weeks. Anyway. So I am on this train from downtown to uptown…it’s February….something….and I have set the scene. I must have gotten off work earlier than usual because this particular train car is packed….as if the evening rush hour is slowly thinning out. People are laughing, reading, and even eating. Yuck to eating on the damn subway! I am standing and holding on to one of those nasty metal train poles…hoping not to get groped nor accidentally grope anyone. Suddenly, I see a couple planting gentle kisses on each other. Now I am not a huge PDA person…unless you count having sex in public places and hoping not to get caught. Sex in public places only with the Ex Factor of course. He always brings out the adventure in me…even now. Every time with him STILL feels like the first time. But I digress. Back to the kissing. I started to stare at this couple which is so unusual for me. It wasn’t the kissing that got me. It was the way he was staring at her. Like the look of I love you and only you…hit me deep in my soul. The way he looked at her during this entire train ride was a look of love and reassurance. I had always seen in movies people referring to how a man looks at a woman and insinuating certain looks of love (won’t even touch some of the disgusting and assaulting looks men give women here because this blog is about love) express something deep. To piggyback off that thought, even in real life I have had friends mention that they can tell so and so love their friend because of the way he looks at her. Don’t know if I had ever bared witness to any such looks for myself or my friends. Maybe before this train ride…I never noticed. Anyways, it got me thinking…have any of my romantic partners looked at me like this? To my recollection, NO. And certainly not the Ex Factor. That was the gut puncher right there. Now in his defense, he is 6’7 and I am 5’7. We have been in the mall and he’s almost mowed over people’s very tiny kids because they are not in his immediate view of eyesight. I yell and he quickly moves out the way. I think that’s how it’s always been. Me literally seeing things he could not. Me sparing a random toddler from getting accidentally stomped on by the Jolly Green Giant. But I digress…again. The train. This very intimate train ride got me thinking and more than just about the Ex Factor…though he was the end game. Had I ever felt loved romantically by any boy/man my entire dating life (age 15-now). The answer is NO. It didn’t matter what they all said or how much money they spent on me…romantically I had never felt loved. And what would make me feel loved? I still have no fucking clue but I know I have never felt it. Strongest unconditional love I have ever felt (besides from God Himself)…is from my Daddy. So I do know love and powerfully so…just not romantic. Now this very train ride lead to years (yea I don’t know how many) of observations. At the end of 2022, I made the most startling observation! Not only had I not felt loved by anyone I had dated but I asked myself a very tough question…DID I THINK ANY OF MY PAST GUYS FELT LOVED BY ME?? And my answer was a solid NO! This includes the Ex Factor. This thought made me sad the most… I am not built like most women I know. I grew up with a mom and grandma (my mom’s mom) being Hannibal Lecter like (see the movie “Silence Of The Lambs” for reference). We are all emotionally unavailable….mommy, me, and grandma Lecter. There is one thing that makes me different…I am only emotionally unavailable romantically… Unlike my grandma and mother, when it comes to raising kids and taking care of my cubs…I am filled with love and understanding. Ironic that I never want biological kids but that’s for a blog about my very fucked up childhood. Can’t pack everything into this blog and thank goodness for that! This train ride is all I want to focus on. It is all I want to live and feel. Me watching two lovers kiss and stare into each other’s eyes while feeling completely dead inside when it came to my own romantic pursuits. The train. If I have never intentionally and purposely given romantic love (Julio my high school boyfriend and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I have had real feelings for and if you ask me…the Ex Factor has been my one true love), it’s no fucking wonder…I have never felt romantically loved! Eureka! My mommy issues snowballed into my being emotionally unavailable and now I have this weird twisted pseudo love life that I actually didn’t ask for. Never been big on dating. Always just wanted to travel the world with two dogs (Muffy and Buffy). My cubs (for the most part) are doing well. They don’t really need me overseeing their lives like I did when they were little. But before I can board the plane with Muffy and Buffy (whom I have yet to adopt so they are more fictitious right now), two King Charles Cavaliers, I seem to be stuck on this fucking train! This train of discomfort, unfamiliar glances, love, and self analysis. I currently feel like I am sitting in shit…while now riding this metaphorical train in this still very dirty subway. Most tourists and commuters just focus on the abnormally huge sewer rats on the subway platforms. Me…I zone out…until I board a train car that has me all in my feelings. A train ride that would be the start of a major change in my life. It was a slow transformation and I still feel like I am mid metamorphosis. Not quite the cocoon. Not quite the butterfly. My first stop this year…is to focus on how I give love. Yes I deserve to receive love too but I think my entire dating life…I have been focused on what I have been receiving. Never really admitting to myself that I gave so little to those I cared for, liked, entertained, or loved! I recently had a good friend remind me of something…”Forever isn’t real. No one can predict the future so how can anyone say they will be with someone forever. All you can do is put in the work everyday.” Now turning the page to do the work. I am terrified, I am uncomfortable, this week I wanted to quit because it was not easy, I am constantly in my feelings and in my damn head, and I am exhausted at times from doing a little more than my bare minimum. I am being very real with you. But every day, since 2023 started, I have made the conscious decision to love the Ex Factor a little more. I get why some of the women in my family are dead inside and comfortable with being emotionally unavailable (even with their children)….doing the work is so hard. Believing and trusting when you cannot see what lies ahead takes constant faith! And did I mention I am at a huge turning point in my career…been barely holding my head above water for over the last 4 months but pushing forward despite it all because I refuse to drown. I am not in the best place in life and yet this is when my damn metamorphosis got more intense. Discomfort better lead to fucking growth! I am sitting in metaphorical shit on all levels of my life while still trying to learn to love unconditionally! The Ex Factor and I have both made some huge mistakes. I feel like we have been to hell and back for almost the last 13 years. Dear God, 2023 is suppose to be our Jordan year…please don’t allow us to fuck this up! Oh yea…and fuck this train. I am mentally exhausted and frankly…I only paid for one train ride. MTA. I did not ask for years of self analysis. ~KJM

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Four Edition)

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Ah yes….here we are at chapter 4….the conclusion: It wasn’t until I publicly PRAYED for his safe travels (via Facebook) and he arrived in Miami (in August) that I confronted the Ex Factor. He seemed surprised that I knew without anyone….not even my sister….telling me. I know the signs of a disloyal dick that blows in the wind. Things got really ugly from here. We had two arguments over the phone. It was the last one that burns in my brain. That’s when the Ex Factor told me that Heather is girlfriend and wife material. She is someone he would consider marrying. He called her “WHOLESOME”….I’m guessing that’s what her pussy spelt out when she handed it to him on a platter….as he said she made the first move. He didn’t know he was gonna fuck her. I really need to get a T-shirt made that says “Wholesome Pussies Matter Too” as I forget them bitches exist until they open up like weapons of mass destruction to hurt another woman that’s never done nothing to them. Fuck! I’m not saying I was the best to the Ex Factor but I never did him like that. When I needed a break to date others….I told him BEFORE I fuck them dudes. I followed the rules of engagement because as we all know…men don’t forgive the way women do. So if you are a woman….creep right….move like a Virgin….and take your nasty deeds to your grave. That’s what I did with Elijah in 2015. I broke things off with the Ex Factor on the Friday and started seeing Elijah on the following Monday. Elijah had been after me for a while but I didn’t disgrace the Ex Factor when I was exiting. I didn’t reshare stories and post shit. If he ain’t a husband or a homie….no non related dude is getting posted on my page. At least….I’ve never done it. I’m like the IRS and God….I only recognize marriages. And I was not marred. So I went after my possible happiness with Elijah peacefully and in silence. My Daddy taught me the game. You get more loyal hoes with honesty. I expected the same….total honesty…and if you can’t do that….don’t ever publicly embarrass me. Damn! The Ex Factor said he was going to tell me he fucked Heather when we met in person but I never allowed the meeting to take place because I ALREADY KNEW. It was 2012 again (see first blog called The Knowing) but this time he fucked her. It wasn’t the act….we were just about over…it’s how he did me. A woman who loved him imperfectly for 10 years. After our second argument in August, I slipped into a depression. Faced head on with my health issues…I had a very painful procedure with NO PAIN MEDS in my doctor’s office. They looked for cancer, polyps, and any abnormalities around my tumors. I was still unemployed as medical bills piled up. And then the Ex Factor fucked Heather! It was a low point…but by the Grace of God….I got up. Nicole stayed on the phone with me for MONTHS so I wouldn’t be alone. Her and my bro, Junior, took turns listening to hours of crying. I felt like I was losing my damn mind! My friends and family rallied around me and I got up….just in time to have a surgery in October to shrink my fibroids. I had a complication so they weren’t able to shrink both. My symptoms did not subside after my surgery….so in 2021 I will have to go to a specialist who can remove the tumors but preserve or repair my uterine lining if something goes wrong in surgery. Fuck! What a year! Nicole kept me visual and working on my insta and YouTube pages. She pushed to stay visual even in my darkest hours….for 12 days in August I felt like I was dying….inside and out. I didn’t think I could do it but I did!!!! I have two tumors growing in my body and I just got done speaking with the Ex Factor. ~KJM on December 31, 2020. Happy NYE 2021 and TBT! My only goal in these conversations is to let go of all the anger. If you are reading this and you think you are the man for me…..I’m working on healing. Just love on me and come whole. Let God guide us. I have two tumors growing in my body….but in 2021 this will hopefully not be the case. I’m preserving my womb best I can. Don’t ever attempt to plant a seed if you don’t intend on building something with me. I use to be a bit disloyal but 5 years ago…I reformed myself. Even on our breaks….I have never even kissed a man that wasn’t the Ex Factor (in the last 5 years). I can love and love hard but I cannot fall in love through sex. Love my heart first, find my mind sexy, support me, and build me up so that everything in this blog feels like a novel I once read. One from the past….a best seller at that….representing a time where I stopped loving myself….until I fell in love with me again. To the Ex Factor, this blog is based on my point of view. I have no clue why this all happened. I hurt. I heal. I smile. Life goes on. We are toxic to each other. I really hope she brought you happiness. If not….you really fucked up! Still….there will always be a part of me that loves you. Always gonna refer to you as my baby daddy. One love💙 “I got a story to tell!”~ Biggie Smalls

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Three Edition)

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I could feel the Ex Factor pulling away as he nervously waited for his very delayed unemployment to kick in. Mid June I was laid off too. That’s when SHE SPOKE IN TONGUES. My body needed me to hear her. Finally doctors were allowed to see patients. I met with my GYN for my annual and briefly mentioned my symptoms. He was alarmed. And so 7 months of testing, bloodwork, physicals, procedures, and surgery began. My entire life, I’ve always been healthy. For 38 years, every doctor appointment I’ve ever attended ended with a perfect bill of health. Never even broke a bone. The most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me was getting all four of my wisdom teeth pulled in December 2016. But on my 39th trip around the sun, my body spoke and I listened. My very first transvaginal pelvic ultrasound revealed….not that I was pregnant but that my body had been housing two small benign tumors. TUMORS. I can’t tell you what it does to a woman….even a woman like myself….who was not planning on ever conceiving….to see tumors on my very first ultrasound. TUMORS. I had two tumors growing in my body as he slipped away. It felt like he was abandoning me at a time I NEEDED HIM. To top it off….the Ex Factor was distant while living 40 minutes from me. I had two tumors growing in my body and that’s….that’s …that’s when he chose to sleep with his sister’s friend! Let’s call her…Heather. Heather owed me nothing….but him and his sister….they hurt me. I felt betrayed. The Ex Factor was moving. The universe was separating us. I accepted that. But I had two tumors growing in my body when I watched his insta stories…the ones he reshared from Heather’s page. I knew he was fucking her….I know how he looks after sex. I can probably tell you the day it occurred. The Ex Factor held Heather out as if she was his girlfriend….while I had two tumors growing in my body. He was so wrapped up in his own pain that he either didn’t see my pain or didn’t want to see my pain. Somehow God gave me the strength to go to every doctor’s appointment. I put my health first as he fucked Heather. And a basic bitch she was. Trust I would say if she was a bad one. Looks are not everything but if you gonna play me out…let me see Angela Bassett or Halle Berry up under you. What I saw was one of those “pick me bitches” who waits until a man is low to offer him pussy. Of course this is how I saw it. I am sure his version is very different. Heather looked like one of those women he would have had to repeatedly tell that she isn’t basic. The Ex Factor would have to tell her she’s pretty….every day of her fucking life…for her to really believe it. And I’m sure in return she made him feel like a King. Still…I had two tumors growing in my body. Bleeding out every month. Crying for pain. Yet people fucked through my pain. That’s how I felt. Let me be clear about something….Heather is not my family member nor friend so she owes me nothing but she is friends with MY sister and the Ex Factor’s sister. Yikes. Close to fucking home it was. I felt humiliated. Why couldn’t he have waited until he got to Miami?! I could give a damn then who he would have been screwing. Unfortunately, I watched the stories and saw the posts. Enter me into their bedroom antics. It will take the Ex Factor years to realize….he wanted me to know he was fucking Heather. We had rules about these kinds of things. Give me a heads up…..don’t have me find out on social network. Yet I held all my pain in and focused in on my two tumors. EXIT CHAPTER THREE

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Two Edition)

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We had had a horrible argument in February where I did something I had NEVER done before with a romantic partner my entire dating life. I began to cry. At the drop of the first tear….in front of him….I locked myself in my bathroom and demanded he leave. And leave he did. I did not know how to be the type of woman who weeps in a man’s arms. No one had ever taught me how to do that. It use to bother Julio, my first boyfriend, so much that he has known me for so long (23.5 years to be exact) and he had never seen me cry….for ANY reason. I learned from my father how to master my emotions until I am alone and prior to 2020, I was damn good at it. Even my friends are surprised when they hear me crying on the phone. It’s like my tears escaped everyone but me. I suffer through anger…not tears. And if tears ever fall….anger is right behind it. I don’t want to ever be weak. 2020 made me realize….tears are not weak. Each tear drop takes strength….the strength to expose our vulnerabilities….never knowing if we will be loved or rejected. Tears still bravely fall even if no one welcomes them. They exist on their own terms. Tears are freeing bad asses….that never get credit for being such a force. Tears can clear a path that mortal man often fear to tackle. Tears are God’s way of saying….”let no weapon formed against you prosper.” At least….that’s how I now view my tears. Back to this shit show. As the Ex Factor exited, he whispered that “this did not feel like closure.” This I could hear clearly through my bathroom walls and my quiet muffled cries. It was Leap Day 2020. By March, COVID-19 was on the scene and of course I reached out to the Ex Factor. We clung to each other despite all our issues. We fought again around my birthday in May. By the first weekend in June, our lives were completely unrecognizable. He had gotten laid off and was now moving to Miami with some of his friends. I felt devastated….silly me thinking June 06, 2020, the day he announced he was moving, was one of the worst days of my life. I didn’t know WORST. 2020 was just starting to hand me my ass. I lost a close childhood friend, Charles Burke, due to COVID-19, my body was still speaking to me, pandemic blues had set in, and now I was losing the Ex Factor. My spirit was leaving my body. My spiritual retrograde was just beginning. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Damn this blog is gonna be long. Sorry Nicole…(my biggest supporter) but I got a story to tell. I want to be swift about it but my spirit is floating over my body. EXIT CHAPTER TWO

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter One Edition)

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I have two benign tumors growing in my body. There is a part of me that wanted to tell this story when I’m stronger…happier but here we are on the very last day of 2020 and I just want to bury it and leave it all here. With 90s music playing in the background and all the positive vibes I can muster up….I will aim to tell this story….swiftly….truthfully as I know it and feel it. I loved as hard as I could and I lost. By now you probably figured out I lost…after all….you haven’t heard from me since July. I took these last 5 months to properly fall apart and put myself back together. I don’t want this blog to be long because I don’t want to lose my courage….I don’t want to lose my way. 2020 has stolen so much from us collectively….across the globe. Yes I have two small benign tumors growing in my uterine lining. This is where it all began. Don’t feel sorry for me….I lived and loved. I fell apart….yet I am still here to tell the story. So let me do just that before I lose you. My body started to feel like it wasn’t mine in November 2019. I knew something was off but I did not think that it could be serious. Many of my female friends told me that certain symptoms were occurring because we are getting older. I accepted this as truth until I could speak to my GYN in person. I lived, I loved, I bled, and I fought with the Ex Factor. Then the pandemic hit and the world began to spin. There was no time to listen to my body yet she spoke. She spoke volumes to me….even in pandemic lock down. The months past and the walls of my apartment saw me crying, saw me bleeding out, and felt the electric currents of pain sweeping through my body. No pain meds in sight. Just me…loving and living the best I could. I decided that if this year may have been our last days on this earth (pandemic thoughts here)….I did not want to spend a moment without the Ex Factor. So I reached for him and held on tightly. So tight, he may have felt like my hostage. We are locked in. We are in masks. We are unsure. He was my only real visitor until I had my surgery in October… but wait. I am not there yet. EXIT CHAPTER ONE

Wigs And Sex: A Beginner’s Guide

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https://youtu.be/r26TfGKUQc0

Well you knew it was coming…me combining two of my favorite things…wigs and sex! During yesterday’s Hump Day video, I gave tips on how you can flawlessly wear your wigs while having some of the best sex ever! No need to worry about that wig falling off during your best doggy style! I got you! ~KJM 😉

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