Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Four Edition)

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Ah yes….here we are at chapter 4….the conclusion: It wasn’t until I publicly PRAYED for his safe travels (via Facebook) and he arrived in Miami (in August) that I confronted the Ex Factor. He seemed surprised that I knew without anyone….not even my sister….telling me. I know the signs of a disloyal dick that blows in the wind. Things got really ugly from here. We had two arguments over the phone. It was the last one that burns in my brain. That’s when the Ex Factor told me that Heather is girlfriend and wife material. She is someone he would consider marrying. He called her “WHOLESOME”….I’m guessing that’s what her pussy spelt out when she handed it to him on a platter….as he said she made the first move. He didn’t know he was gonna fuck her. I really need to get a T-shirt made that says “Wholesome Pussies Matter Too” as I forget them bitches exist until they open up like weapons of mass destruction to hurt another woman that’s never done nothing to them. Fuck! I’m not saying I was the best to the Ex Factor but I never did him like that. When I needed a break to date others….I told him BEFORE I fuck them dudes. I followed the rules of engagement because as we all know…men don’t forgive the way women do. So if you are a woman….creep right….move like a Virgin….and take your nasty deeds to your grave. That’s what I did with Elijah in 2015. I broke things off with the Ex Factor on the Friday and started seeing Elijah on the following Monday. Elijah had been after me for a while but I didn’t disgrace the Ex Factor when I was exiting. I didn’t reshare stories and post shit. If he ain’t a husband or a homie….no non related dude is getting posted on my page. At least….I’ve never done it. I’m like the IRS and God….I only recognize marriages. And I was not marred. So I went after my possible happiness with Elijah peacefully and in silence. My Daddy taught me the game. You get more loyal hoes with honesty. I expected the same….total honesty…and if you can’t do that….don’t ever publicly embarrass me. Damn! The Ex Factor said he was going to tell me he fucked Heather when we met in person but I never allowed the meeting to take place because I ALREADY KNEW. It was 2012 again (see first blog called The Knowing) but this time he fucked her. It wasn’t the act….we were just about over…it’s how he did me. A woman who loved him imperfectly for 10 years. After our second argument in August, I slipped into a depression. Faced head on with my health issues…I had a very painful procedure with NO PAIN MEDS in my doctor’s office. They looked for cancer, polyps, and any abnormalities around my tumors. I was still unemployed as medical bills piled up. And then the Ex Factor fucked Heather! It was a low point…but by the Grace of God….I got up. Nicole stayed on the phone with me for MONTHS so I wouldn’t be alone. Her and my bro, Junior, took turns listening to hours of crying. I felt like I was losing my damn mind! My friends and family rallied around me and I got up….just in time to have a surgery in October to shrink my fibroids. I had a complication so they weren’t able to shrink both. My symptoms did not subside after my surgery….so in 2021 I will have to go to a specialist who can remove the tumors but preserve or repair my uterine lining if something goes wrong in surgery. Fuck! What a year! Nicole kept me visual and working on my insta and YouTube pages. She pushed to stay visual even in my darkest hours….for 12 days in August I felt like I was dying….inside and out. I didn’t think I could do it but I did!!!! I have two tumors growing in my body and I just got done speaking with the Ex Factor. ~KJM on December 31, 2020. Happy NYE 2021 and TBT! My only goal in these conversations is to let go of all the anger. If you are reading this and you think you are the man for me…..I’m working on healing. Just love on me and come whole. Let God guide us. I have two tumors growing in my body….but in 2021 this will hopefully not be the case. I’m preserving my womb best I can. Don’t ever attempt to plant a seed if you don’t intend on building something with me. I use to be a bit disloyal but 5 years ago…I reformed myself. Even on our breaks….I have never even kissed a man that wasn’t the Ex Factor (in the last 5 years). I can love and love hard but I cannot fall in love through sex. Love my heart first, find my mind sexy, support me, and build me up so that everything in this blog feels like a novel I once read. One from the past….a best seller at that….representing a time where I stopped loving myself….until I fell in love with me again. To the Ex Factor, this blog is based on my point of view. I have no clue why this all happened. I hurt. I heal. I smile. Life goes on. We are toxic to each other. I really hope she brought you happiness. If not….you really fucked up! Still….there will always be a part of me that loves you. Always gonna refer to you as my baby daddy. One love💙 “I got a story to tell!”~ Biggie Smalls

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Three Edition)

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I could feel the Ex Factor pulling away as he nervously waited for his very delayed unemployment to kick in. Mid June I was laid off too. That’s when SHE SPOKE IN TONGUES. My body needed me to hear her. Finally doctors were allowed to see patients. I met with my GYN for my annual and briefly mentioned my symptoms. He was alarmed. And so 7 months of testing, bloodwork, physicals, procedures, and surgery began. My entire life, I’ve always been healthy. For 38 years, every doctor appointment I’ve ever attended ended with a perfect bill of health. Never even broke a bone. The most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me was getting all four of my wisdom teeth pulled in December 2016. But on my 39th trip around the sun, my body spoke and I listened. My very first transvaginal pelvic ultrasound revealed….not that I was pregnant but that my body had been housing two small benign tumors. TUMORS. I can’t tell you what it does to a woman….even a woman like myself….who was not planning on ever conceiving….to see tumors on my very first ultrasound. TUMORS. I had two tumors growing in my body as he slipped away. It felt like he was abandoning me at a time I NEEDED HIM. To top it off….the Ex Factor was distant while living 40 minutes from me. I had two tumors growing in my body and that’s….that’s …that’s when he chose to sleep with his sister’s friend! Let’s call her…Heather. Heather owed me nothing….but him and his sister….they hurt me. I felt betrayed. The Ex Factor was moving. The universe was separating us. I accepted that. But I had two tumors growing in my body when I watched his insta stories…the ones he reshared from Heather’s page. I knew he was fucking her….I know how he looks after sex. I can probably tell you the day it occurred. The Ex Factor held Heather out as if she was his girlfriend….while I had two tumors growing in my body. He was so wrapped up in his own pain that he either didn’t see my pain or didn’t want to see my pain. Somehow God gave me the strength to go to every doctor’s appointment. I put my health first as he fucked Heather. And a basic bitch she was. Trust I would say if she was a bad one. Looks are not everything but if you gonna play me out…let me see Angela Bassett or Halle Berry up under you. What I saw was one of those “pick me bitches” who waits until a man is low to offer him pussy. Of course this is how I saw it. I am sure his version is very different. Heather looked like one of those women he would have had to repeatedly tell that she isn’t basic. The Ex Factor would have to tell her she’s pretty….every day of her fucking life…for her to really believe it. And I’m sure in return she made him feel like a King. Still…I had two tumors growing in my body. Bleeding out every month. Crying for pain. Yet people fucked through my pain. That’s how I felt. Let me be clear about something….Heather is not my family member nor friend so she owes me nothing but she is friends with MY sister and the Ex Factor’s sister. Yikes. Close to fucking home it was. I felt humiliated. Why couldn’t he have waited until he got to Miami?! I could give a damn then who he would have been screwing. Unfortunately, I watched the stories and saw the posts. Enter me into their bedroom antics. It will take the Ex Factor years to realize….he wanted me to know he was fucking Heather. We had rules about these kinds of things. Give me a heads up…..don’t have me find out on social network. Yet I held all my pain in and focused in on my two tumors. EXIT CHAPTER THREE

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Two Edition)

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We had had a horrible argument in February where I did something I had NEVER done before with a romantic partner my entire dating life. I began to cry. At the drop of the first tear….in front of him….I locked myself in my bathroom and demanded he leave. And leave he did. I did not know how to be the type of woman who weeps in a man’s arms. No one had ever taught me how to do that. It use to bother Julio, my first boyfriend, so much that he has known me for so long (23.5 years to be exact) and he had never seen me cry….for ANY reason. I learned from my father how to master my emotions until I am alone and prior to 2020, I was damn good at it. Even my friends are surprised when they hear me crying on the phone. It’s like my tears escaped everyone but me. I suffer through anger…not tears. And if tears ever fall….anger is right behind it. I don’t want to ever be weak. 2020 made me realize….tears are not weak. Each tear drop takes strength….the strength to expose our vulnerabilities….never knowing if we will be loved or rejected. Tears still bravely fall even if no one welcomes them. They exist on their own terms. Tears are freeing bad asses….that never get credit for being such a force. Tears can clear a path that mortal man often fear to tackle. Tears are God’s way of saying….”let no weapon formed against you prosper.” At least….that’s how I now view my tears. Back to this shit show. As the Ex Factor exited, he whispered that “this did not feel like closure.” This I could hear clearly through my bathroom walls and my quiet muffled cries. It was Leap Day 2020. By March, COVID-19 was on the scene and of course I reached out to the Ex Factor. We clung to each other despite all our issues. We fought again around my birthday in May. By the first weekend in June, our lives were completely unrecognizable. He had gotten laid off and was now moving to Miami with some of his friends. I felt devastated….silly me thinking June 06, 2020, the day he announced he was moving, was one of the worst days of my life. I didn’t know WORST. 2020 was just starting to hand me my ass. I lost a close childhood friend, Charles Burke, due to COVID-19, my body was still speaking to me, pandemic blues had set in, and now I was losing the Ex Factor. My spirit was leaving my body. My spiritual retrograde was just beginning. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Damn this blog is gonna be long. Sorry Nicole…(my biggest supporter) but I got a story to tell. I want to be swift about it but my spirit is floating over my body. EXIT CHAPTER TWO

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter One Edition)

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I have two benign tumors growing in my body. There is a part of me that wanted to tell this story when I’m stronger…happier but here we are on the very last day of 2020 and I just want to bury it and leave it all here. With 90s music playing in the background and all the positive vibes I can muster up….I will aim to tell this story….swiftly….truthfully as I know it and feel it. I loved as hard as I could and I lost. By now you probably figured out I lost…after all….you haven’t heard from me since July. I took these last 5 months to properly fall apart and put myself back together. I don’t want this blog to be long because I don’t want to lose my courage….I don’t want to lose my way. 2020 has stolen so much from us collectively….across the globe. Yes I have two small benign tumors growing in my uterine lining. This is where it all began. Don’t feel sorry for me….I lived and loved. I fell apart….yet I am still here to tell the story. So let me do just that before I lose you. My body started to feel like it wasn’t mine in November 2019. I knew something was off but I did not think that it could be serious. Many of my female friends told me that certain symptoms were occurring because we are getting older. I accepted this as truth until I could speak to my GYN in person. I lived, I loved, I bled, and I fought with the Ex Factor. Then the pandemic hit and the world began to spin. There was no time to listen to my body yet she spoke. She spoke volumes to me….even in pandemic lock down. The months past and the walls of my apartment saw me crying, saw me bleeding out, and felt the electric currents of pain sweeping through my body. No pain meds in sight. Just me…loving and living the best I could. I decided that if this year may have been our last days on this earth (pandemic thoughts here)….I did not want to spend a moment without the Ex Factor. So I reached for him and held on tightly. So tight, he may have felt like my hostage. We are locked in. We are in masks. We are unsure. He was my only real visitor until I had my surgery in October… but wait. I am not there yet. EXIT CHAPTER ONE

Wigs And Sex: A Beginner’s Guide

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https://youtu.be/r26TfGKUQc0

Well you knew it was coming…me combining two of my favorite things…wigs and sex! During yesterday’s Hump Day video, I gave tips on how you can flawlessly wear your wigs while having some of the best sex ever! No need to worry about that wig falling off during your best doggy style! I got you! ~KJM 😉

Insecure HBO: How To Not Pop Up Pregnant (The Where Is Your Contraception Edition)

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https://youtu.be/140HR2N-g3k

Inspired by the fourth season finale of the brilliant HBO show “Insecure,” I run down some tips on how not to get pregnant or how not to get someone pregnant for everyone! ~KJM is saying y’all better be wrapping it up especially if you are sleeping with someone you barely know and do not love! Safe sex is the best sex! 🙌🏽

Passion In A Time Of Corona

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It is raining hard here. A dark and dreary Monday…much like how I imagine the night Edgar Allen Poe described in the poem “The Raven.” Only it is morning…a dark and dreary morning filled with unexpected twists and turns in an unexpected world. I have been social distancing for weeks…solo. I video chat and FaceTime my family and friends as much as I can but there is something so isolating when social distancing by oneself. I mean…I am blessed to have my own place….yet I miss the human touch. Well…one particular human touch. The wind is howling and it’s just me around my dining room table. I need to start my day yet something is calling me. I started to write a blog a month and a half ago. A very personal blog but some how…I’m either not ready to share or I just do not feel the story is over. So right now as the winds pick up and visibility is low from my big beautiful living room windows…I want to tell you a story. May be fiction. May be reality. Who the fuck knows? I’ve been by myself for so long that the lines are blurring between fiction and reality. I am not crazy. I am just feeling something. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s the fact that globally the world is on lock down. All of our lives changed in a moment’s notice and now I am just trying to deal. Are you ready for a tale of two lovers in a world on the brink of madness?! I am just waiting for the lightning to appear now. A storm is brewing. I can feel it? Can you feel it? Well…let me take you there so you too can feel it… That morning I awoke unsure of what the day would bring. I have an impossible need. The need to be touched by my lover but I understand why we have to be separated. My phone screensaver has a picture of us. I never do shit like that. It’s so fucking girly….but these are unusual times. We text everyday and exchange “I miss you’s.” Because we are in the middle of a pandemic, I don’t have time to second guess us. I don’t have time to over think. The what are we doing and the where are we going questions don’t seem to matter now as we are prisoners in our homes. Shit that typically haunts me escapes me now. People are out there dying and it seems the universe is signaling that now is not the time for me to feed into my ego. Don’t believe me? Okay…I’m gonna back it up for you for a brief second before I continue my tale. The last time I saw the Ex Factor was on the morning of February 29. Leap day! Only it felt like we leaped into another fucking dimension. We made love in the wee hours of the early morning but once the sun rose…my ego started a conversation that would end up leading us to the worst argument we have ever had….once his unsure ego had awoken to answer mine!!!! If you recall, in the almost 10 years I have known the Ex Factor, we barely argue in person. This is really only the second time I can remember arguing while staring him in the face. To add insult to injury, somewhere in that conversation, I did something I have NEVER done in front of a lover before….I started crying. I could say more but it would just change the tone of the tale I’m telling. I am in the mood to write about passion….not pain. I am in a place where I desire to ride the blurry lines of reality verses fiction. I am in a zone where I want to take YOU…my readers…to complete ecstasy. Let me get on the ride and we can address the rest at another place and time. I just need to be touched. Studies have shown the importance of a single touch from the moment a baby’s born and up until a person takes their last breath. Touch matters. Keeping this in mind, I get in the shower and lather up. My lover is going to try and come see me. I don’t typically wear makeup when I spend alone time with him because I like our bodies to be one…nothing in between us. Just us in our nakedness. My lover is coming. I’ve had this deep desire for him. Not the type of desire a couple who lives together that may take each other for granted on a regular basis has….but the kind of desire that feels like he had been deployed to a war zone and he is finally coming home. So I prepare. I put makeup on and I slide into one of my sexiest see through dresses. The netted kind….for the best way to lay a trap is to have a net present. I want to captivate my lover’s mind, body, and soul on arrival! The Ex Factor is officially on his way! My heart starts to beat fast. My vagina is moist. I have no clue what we will say to each other but it’s clear time is short and there is so much life to live in these tiny moments. And I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIFE!!! The minute we went on lockdown, I felt like I was no longer living life. I have just been existing. I am so sick of just existing!!! He has arrived! We both have our masks on. First thing we do is lay down and hold hands. I know…it’s forbidden but I need to be touched. It had been weeks since I had been in the presence of a human being that was not my food delivery guy. It’s been JUST ME! So we hold hands. I want to kiss him. I want to take my mask off….he told me he would keep his on if I felt uncomfortable in mine. Truth be told….I’m nervous and my mask is uncomfortable…the Ex Factor has to actually tie another mask for me. So yes this is risky and yes it’s uncomfortable but I would be lying if I said I was not intrigued by the thought of us fucking with masks on! I know! I know! What a weird fucking fantasy to have! It’s a new one and clearly this is the first time we are testing it out. The Ex Factor is already hard…just from us holding hands! It’s agreed upon that best sexual position to execute in a time of corona virus is me being the rider. Actually….let me correct that statement! The best thing to do is NOT do what we are doing but I digress! Thanks to all those back bends I’ve learned in yoga….I definitely think this was the best way to go. I am not the best with measurements but I assure you…this was some freaky shit…linking our sensual parts….while giving us as much space as possible to maneuver. Masks still on. Interesting note about the masks…is you exert so much more energy as you execute each position. Felt like I had just showed up to a damn fitness bootcamp…with just enough energy to get the job done…before passing out! Because we had not had sex in over a month and a half and had been social distancing during that time…I did not expect much from our sexual encounter. I mean we’ve been masturbating our way through this self quarantine that I did not expect it to be a long ride…much less one I would climax in. I mean I was just happy to hold his hands! Out of the corner of my eyes….during one of my back bends, I see the Ex Factor looking at my closet mirror that’s on the right side of us. This dude is definitely having the same fantasy I’m having….only he just took it up a notch. I mean…I was not watching us. Kind of hard to…the way I am positioned! But he’s into it so now I’m even more engaged. Breathlessly riding him from every back bend position I can think of and that my body will allow. Digging my un-manicured nails into his flesh. We are both so turned on. Wait….how the fuck are we so turned on during such a stressful time! I wish I could kiss him. I wish I could whisper naughty stuff in his ears. I wish we did not have all of these confinements. I wish we were free. But I’m grateful for the fantasies we create together. We are still going. My bed sounds like it’s going to break. I’m warning him that we cannot break my bed! Mid ride, I start to fantasize about some of the things we use to do when we were not restricted. I speak those fantasies out loud. He chimes in. We are in sync. The Ex Factor whispers something to me that I always love to hear. It feeds into my need to control what happens in our bedroom and for now…it still stays between us. I think that’s one of the reasons why I have loved him like no other man….because this one thing…he’s the only one that’s given it to me. I’m starting to shake but I’m still focusing on him. He’s concentrating hard…. How could I have missed it?! The Ex Factor is on a similar mission! My body is convulsing and I feel like I can barely breathe with this damn mask on. I’m shaking and sweating. I’m starting to have an out of body experience. My poor fucking bed. We really bout to break this shit. My neighbors are probably cussing me the fuck out. Yet I cannot focus on any of that. He’s going to take me there before I take him there. I cannot believe this shit! I’m focused on his pleasure and he was focused on mine. All of a sudden my body starts to speak in tongues and I’m cuming. My entire body is trembling but like a good jockey, I’m still holding on for dear life until we both cross the finish line! Thank goodness babe was right behind me because I don’t think I could have held on any longer! Fuck! I’m still shaking….aftershocks. And I’m also thinking….what the fuck just happened here?! I…was…not…ready….for the depth of passion we shared on this particular evening. I am still just laying there…mask on…sweating…and shaking. ~KJM reporting on passion in a time of Corona. Maybe this shit happened. Maybe it didn’t. The lines are so blurry between reality and fiction. But never question why I love that man. 💙 I hope you are all being good to yourselves. Love, touch, feel, and fuck (from a social distance or once quarantine is over) when you can because life is so short and true passion is unique. DISCLAIMER: This blog is for entertainment purposes only! Do not try anything in it! Continue to practice social distancing as recommended by the CDC. One love❤️

Love Is Blind Edition

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https://youtu.be/fv_hFewZgAM #Nomakeup #Sunday #loveisblindnetflix #loveisblind #netflix #netflixandchill #dating #marriage #onlinedating #pods #laurenandcameron #damianandgigi #kennyandkelly #amberandmattbarnett #carltonanddiamond #jessicaandmark #sundayfunday #sundayvibes #sundaymood #sundaymotivation #blackgirlswhovlog #blackwomenwhovlog #eternallove #unconditionallove #istillbelieveinlove

Summer 2007

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It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??‍♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??‍♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??‍♀️??‍♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??‍♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!

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