We had had a horrible argument in February where I did something I had NEVER done before with a romantic partner my entire dating life. I began to cry. At the drop of the first tear….in front of him….I locked myself in my bathroom and demanded he leave. And leave he did. I did not know how to be the type of woman who weeps in a man’s arms. No one had ever taught me how to do that. It use to bother Julio, my first boyfriend, so much that he has known me for so long (23.5 years to be exact) and he had never seen me cry….for ANY reason. I learned from my father how to master my emotions until I am alone and prior to 2020, I was damn good at it. Even my friends are surprised when they hear me crying on the phone. It’s like my tears escaped everyone but me. I suffer through anger…not tears. And if tears ever fall….anger is right behind it. I don’t want to ever be weak. 2020 made me realize….tears are not weak. Each tear drop takes strength….the strength to expose our vulnerabilities….never knowing if we will be loved or rejected. Tears still bravely fall even if no one welcomes them. They exist on their own terms. Tears are freeing bad asses….that never get credit for being such a force. Tears can clear a path that mortal man often fear to tackle. Tears are God’s way of saying….”let no weapon formed against you prosper.” At least….that’s how I now view my tears. Back to this shit show. As the Ex Factor exited, he whispered that “this did not feel like closure.” This I could hear clearly through my bathroom walls and my quiet muffled cries. It was Leap Day 2020. By March, COVID-19 was on the scene and of course I reached out to the Ex Factor. We clung to each other despite all our issues. We fought again around my birthday in May. By the first weekend in June, our lives were completely unrecognizable. He had gotten laid off and was now moving to Miami with some of his friends. I felt devastated….silly me thinking June 06, 2020, the day he announced he was moving, was one of the worst days of my life. I didn’t know WORST. 2020 was just starting to hand me my ass. I lost a close childhood friend, Charles Burke, due to COVID-19, my body was still speaking to me, pandemic blues had set in, and now I was losing the Ex Factor. My spirit was leaving my body. My spiritual retrograde was just beginning. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Damn this blog is gonna be long. Sorry Nicole…(my biggest supporter) but I got a story to tell. I want to be swift about it but my spirit is floating over my body. EXIT CHAPTER TWO
Tears are NEVER anything to be a shamed of and I’m so glad you learned that they’re not a sign of weakness. I’m reminded of a song my mom sang quite a bit that says, 🎶“Your tears are just temporary release of the pain, sorrow, grief…your tears are expressions that can’t be controlled…a little crying out is alright, after a while, you won’t have to cry no more…” 🎶
As for the ex-factor, 2020 was definitely a revelation year. I’m sorry that the troubles you were facing with your physical health were compounded by what was going on in your personal life. I feel like this year added the necessary pressure to show who’s truly there for us come hell or high water. Count 2020 as a blessing.