It is dark and rainy here. That’s the mood…dark and rainy. I know it has been awhile since I have blessed you with a blog but I keep telling you that I am a WRITER….not a BLOGGER! Thus, I need something like the Mercury Retrograde and the Ex Factor being in town for me to dig deep into my emotions and unleash on you. Are you ready for this explosion? The explosion that is the after fuck feeling?
You know it. You have felt it only you probably could not put it into words. As a matter of fact, I described the feeling to my Auntie P and she is the one that coined that feeling…the feeling we all know too well….as THE AFTER FUCK FEELING.
Now bear with me. I want to take you on this ride. I want us to explore this topic deeply but the goal here is to stay away from the after fuck feeling. And to be crystal clear, the main examples that I will use are in a sexual context but this feeling can be felt in ALL relationships…not just romantic. Also, this is not a single verses married feeling. Anyone can experience the after fuck feeling but I would bet money that most married people feel it more often than singles. Singles, if they are bold enough and less detached, can walk away from anyone who makes them feel this way. Some of us though, love the person so much that we just deal with it. We are idiots! IDIOTS! But that’s a story for another time.
Enter THE AFTER FUCK FEELING. Let’s start with the actual fuck. You are laying there naked, physically and emotionally, with your favorite person. He is everything you ever dreamed of…naked that is. Two seconds after you both orgasm (if you are lucky), he gets up and proceeds to get dressed and head out your door. You are shocked. I mean you just did your best sexing and gave him all you had and out the door he goes. I mean if this was an explicit booty call situation this would not be shocking! But this is someone you actually care about and have been dating for awhile! Starting to feel that feeling? You know the one. “Like he just fucked you out and tossed you to the side!” At least that’s exactly how Auntie P likes to describe it! Now imagine if you didn’t even orgasm and all of this occurs…oh baby, I know you are about to lose it now! Pussy dry and unsatisfied. He got his and you are now left in your feelings….the AFTER FUCK FEELING!!!
What happens next? Maybe you start to regret sleeping with him? Maybe you start to go over all the red flags that he displayed early on but you decided to ignore? Maybe you wished you had just spent the night with your damn vibrator, Bullet! Bullet would have never missed the spot physically! So many regrets but the worst thing is not about the physical aspect. I want you to back away from the highly anticipated and hard to duplicate….female orgasm. The vaginal female orgasm eludes most men. The concept just like…goes over their head…literally. If we stop and dissect why that is….we will never get to the core of the after fuck feeling. Orgasm or not…the after fuck feeling lingers. The ability for a person to take from you in one moment and discard you in the next moment…that is the core of the after fuck feeling! You are tossed out like today’s trash by someone you gave your all to. Someone you constantly show up for. Someone who you see but they never actually SEE you. They hear you but you are not actually being HEARD. Not understood. You are an afterthought to them and they happily show it. Ouch!
Now let me break this down for the marrieds because this is not just a singles issue! Imagine you have spent all day working and when you get home your husband expects you to cook for him and tend to the children while he watches the news. He hasn’t lifted a finger to cook nor clean and to top it off…today was his damn day off! You, in your already very exhausted body, must now do everything in your household! To add insult to injury, your husband wants to have sex that night. You also have to do all the work there too! Thank goodness you know where your own G spot is or this whole damn day would be for the birds! After your husband orgasms, he gets up and proceeds to play video games until he is ready for bed. Are you feeling the after fuck feeling here? Cause I am literally wondering….what in the actual fuck is happening in some of your homes?! The next day you rinse and repeat this shitty ass day and so on! Girl….are you not mentally and emotionally exhausted?
Now I want to reiterate that the after fuck feeling can occur outside of romantic relationships but it would be silly of me to not point out to my male readers that complain they aren’t getting enough sex from their wives or long term partners that…that might be because you are not even trying to tend to your woman’s physical and emotional needs!!! Have you washed a plate lately? Have you helped put your kids to bed? Do you have days where you let you wife sleep in and you get the children ready for school? Hell….when was the last time you walked the damn dog without being asked?! While every woman has her own primary love language…acts of services will almost always get you the love and affection of a good woman. I don’t care if she is a feminist or a traditional woman…men do more in your homes than financially provide and letting your dick rise! Like the quest for multiple orgasms, we should be in this together!
So now that we have explored the after fuck feeling in a sexual context that hopefully singles and marrieds can understand…let’s take another look at it from a different angle. Let’s leave the sex out of it. I know that’s hard but let’s try. Here we go! You ever have a friend or family member that you always show up for but they never show up for you? For example, a friend that only calls you when something is wrong in her life but if you call her when times are rough with you…she always has an excuse of why she cannot fully listen to what’s going on with you? Or have you ever had a grown adult child that never calls home unless they need to borrow money! Money they never plan on paying back! In these instances, someone is intending to use up your resources, whether it is your time or money, and never replenish any of it! This does not mean give with the expectation of receiving. That is not what the after fuck feeling is about. What lies at the core of the after fuck feeling is the process of someone looking at you as something to be used up and tossed to the side. You are only as good to them when they can use you. After that, you are just dried up and left in your feelings. The feeling of being used and unwanted. The feeling of falling for the same okie doke every time because the person who wants access to your resources is someone you love and care about. Now some folks get left with the after fuck feeling with every single person they encounter. That’s not normal and that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about those of us left with this feeling because we care and love just too damn hard for some people! And we are essentially left disappointed in them and ourselves every time we encounter our loved ones!
Awww the after fuck feeling. The Ex Factor has been making me feel this way for years! Every time I see him, I feel like I am betraying myself and as the years go on….I have less of a desire to spend time with him and he cannot understand why! Right now we are up to once a year (my choice…not his). But soon I think it will be no time a year. I can stay by my damn self and feel good every day!
I also have a couple of family and friends that leave me feeling this way and have recently (within the last 3 years) set boundaries with them or fully cut them off! Boy was that hard! My heart was/is breaking but oh baby I got to live for me! And that’s the damn point ain’t it? To live freely and unapologetically in love and laughter! Maybe in some sickness and in health but baby not when you purposely using me up to but me down when I cannot be of service to you! Free yourselves from the after fuck feeling! I am almost there and I cannot wait to share with you guys from that mountain top of self expression and self love! I am slowly climbing towards it. Leaving the after fuck behind every step of the way.
Time to wrap this up. If you are a man reading this and you made it all the way to the end of this blog….I am ready to answer your burning question! YES, you are capable of feeling the after fuck feeling too and baby it still isn’t right. This is not a gender specific feeling but I always write from a woman’s perspective because I am a woman. So men, if this applies to you….time to do something about it. We all deserve to be loved for who we are and we deserve to have that love reciprocated.
Okay dear readers! Be blessed in all you do today. You are worthy of great love, friendship, and family-ship that show up not only on sunny days but also rainy days. Let’s stop betraying ourselves by showing up for folks who are never going to appreciate it. That is….let’s leave the after fuck feeling…in the after!
~KJM. Shout out to my Auntie P for coining this term! You are infamous now! We may free some folks to completely walk away from this feeling and that’s fucking revolutionary!