No one ever tells you that it will visit you at least once in your lifetime. So when we hear it…the sounds of bitterness…in the distance…we aren’t prepared for it. Life is so much more easier when we wallow in our heartbreaks and disappointments. It’s actually much more difficult to get up and fight for our happiness. Sometimes I feel frozen in time and the guilt of accepting this pain for so long is overwhelming. If only I had had the courage to say to him that he does not bring happiness. Happiness existed when he was no where to be found. Happiness is me taking very good care of myself…treating myself in a way no one but my Daddy has ever treated me. Happiness is my annual trips to see Harmony. With desert winds in our hair and some good wine…we rule the world…laughing. Happiness is me losing weight after complaining for so long about it. Happiness is anywhere but with him. If only I had been brave enough to speak those words to him every time he came back. HAPPINESS WAS NEVER WITH YOU! I…I can say it now. ?? My thoughts are interrupted by ruffled sounds buried in the wind. It’s coming closer…towards me and within those sounds of bitterness lies a permanent home for my broken heart. There it shall stay. Never healed. In the same place in time. Where was the happiness wind? Why has it not swept me up? I am alone but with his shadow hovering over me. If he is not responsible for my happiness then he certainly does not have the power to damn my heart into a permanent place of bitterness! ?? And that is my truth. I, along with God, are still the master of my own destiny. He who gifts me with darkness and pain is not the Alpha nor the Omega. ?? He…is…just…a…boy. So where is my happiness wind? Wrapped in courage and bravery? Waiting for me to get swept up in it? I am close…I feel it. Just have to find the strength to chase away the sounds of bitterness. I do not want to wallow nor waste more of my heart’s time…stuck in a painful time. I need to free myself. I…need…to…breathe…HAPPINESS! I…WILL…BREATHE…HAPPINESS! ??~KJM awaiting her happiness wind on Throwback Thursday! ?I am so close!
Archives for April 2017
Now before you read any further…let me warn you that this blog will be a spoiler for anyone who hasn’t seen the movie FENCES! If you have seen it or you weren’t planning to…keep reading. On Sunday, I finally got the chance to see the movie Fences with my family. Even though I had seen the commercials, I had no clue what the movie was about. The premise is “some people build fences to keep people in.” Viola Davis’ character is married to Denzel Washington’s character for 18 years when he has a extramarital affair and fathers a child she ends up having to raise! ? EIGHTEEN YEARS and that’s when he decides to cheat! ? Not saying there is ever a good time to cheat but if he spent almost 20 years happily married…he sure could have kept his dick to himself for eternity! ?? To add insult to injury, fool wasn’t even wearing condoms! ? In the movie, Viola Davis’ character (with strength) holds her family down and decides to help raise his illegitimate child…a child that was created in her marriage! ? I can’t breathe thinking about it! I just do not know if I would have the courage to stick with my cheating husband and the mess he created! But I do agree with her reason for raising the little girl…babies are innocent. They have nothing to do with the affairs we adults get ourselves into! ?? My heart still hurts for her character though! Woosa! Let me just catch my breath before I get into how this ties in with today’s blog. Woosa! Still trying to catch my breath while stopping myself from going through the television and slapping the hell out of Denzel’s character! Woosa! ?? Okay back to earth with my breath calm. With all the things I have witnessed in real life and movies…I have made myself out to not be the Marrying kind. Like why risk my heart and my soul plus brush pass the prison system (I am no easy woman) to be with a love that has a great chance of deceiving me for a lifetime? Why bother? Why try? Men and women in today’s society cheat in their marriages like it’s nothing but statistics seem to show that there’s a greater chance of our men cheating on us…and us finding out. ? Men may be more tempted to cheat but from where I am standing….we women are more savvy with it…hence the least likely chance of us getting caught unless there is a baby involved! ? But even then…there’s a lot of men raising children that ain’t theirs! That’s how slick we women are! But I digress! Back to the dirty male dogs. For you married folks, why did you risk the odds that you could get hurt? You aren’t blind and I am sure we all got folks in our family that cheated easily and then walked right back into their marital bed like it was nothing! ? Matter of fact….we all know folks who CHEATED IN THEIR MARITAL BED!? And most of us have been cheated on in our lifetime! Plus we have also cheated. I’m no angel but I keep telling y’all that I don’t play with marriage. Even if I’m not the Marrying kind…I have no plans of fucking with some woman’s husband! ?? If he’s trouble for her…he damn sure will be trouble for me! ?? And y’all know I’m reformed from the boyfriend stealing business since 2014! ? Well I never really stole. Just took Phoenix off of a shelf, played with him, and then put him back on the same shelf…not caring who nor what he belonged too. But I digress again! ? “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” 1 Corinthians 13 Ch 11. I have grown so much. And through that growth I’ve realized that I cannot control the other person. The Ex Factor wants to run the streets…so I opened up the door for him to get out while patiently awaiting BOAZ. ?? Even with my strong belief in marriage, I vowed not to be the Marrying kind so that I never have to worry about my husband cheating on me and breaking up our family. Why risk our hearts, minds, and souls along with our peace when we cannot be sure we found a good man? Is marriage really worth the risk? ~KJM is full of questions on Hump Day. My heart needs answers…
This was meant to be a Serenity weekend post but so much has happened in the last week. My family and I have been through a great ordeal but by the grace of God we are celebrating my Dad’s birthday today! ???? God is good all the time! ?? In the midst of my thankfulness, I stepped outside of my own fears and sorrow and acknowledged how wonderful it was to just stand in a place of gratefulness instead of holding on to painful moments. My family and I looked past all the pain and uncertainty and we banded together in a way we never have in my entire 35 years of living! But GOD IS ABLE so it’s not all that surprising. When I’m ready, I will blog in detail about this time period. For now…let’s switch gears and see where we are with forgiveness. I don’t know about you but I STRUGGLE WITH FORGIVENESS! While I’m fully aware that forgiveness is for me, it’s so hard for my heart and mind to let go of hurt. I’ve held onto things that occurred in my childhood and have held them against my mother. And Lord knows I’m always having a hard time looking pass the way the Ex Factor has hurt me. Both of these people are so deep in my heart but unfortunately that makes the hurts and disappointments bigger. What makes matters worse is neither of them have grown up enough to take ANY accountability for their actions. So that leaves me with the bags of hurt to carry on my own and boy does it weigh me down! There I am hurt and they just look at me like I created this world of pain by myself. ? Now I cannot really tackle things with my mother in this post. Gonna just leave that for future therapy sessions because childhood wounds do not heal easily. But I can openly tell you how I struggle with forgiveness with the Ex Factor. Right now we are just trying to rebuild our friendship. It was my idea and he agreed but through that agreement he has said some of the most terrible things anyone has ever said to me! To add insult to injury, he does not feel he’s being cruel nor that he is the wrong!!! Now I would be the first to tell you to walk away from anyone who takes no accountability for anything. Those are some dangerous human beings because no matter what…everything will be your fault and your fault only. ? Matter of fact my mother has never said sorry to any for anything in the years I’ve been alive. On the other hand, the Ex Factor will utter sorry to shut me up but it’s really an “I’m sorry you feel that way” kind of I’m sorry! ? Frustrating and disgusting behavior but…I digress. I cannot control them. I can only control myself. So in the last week, I tried very hard not to lose my shit on the Ex Factor especially since my family and I were under so much stress. Of course, one morning I woke up feeling like I could slap the piss out of him and make him drink it up! ? That’s how hard he has been pushing me! After losing it for a moment, I caught myself, regrouped, and put the focus back on my family. Throughout the weekend, I kept meditating on forgiveness. Some people are able to find the strength in forgiveness and the courage to allow it to consume their soul instead of contempt. I AM NOT THERE YET but I am trying. I try to remember the good times and the way he treated me in our early years of knowing each other. Also, I keep reminding myself of the GOLDEN RULE OF LOVE: do not hurt the one you love for it will come back to you tenfolds. Your heart is some how connected to that person even if the love is not returned…so by hurting them…you are essentially hurting yourself too! Deep! So I took a step back and tried to “first do no harm” but lawd it is so not easy. I’m stepping in and outside of myself…trying to be true to myself and my feelings while working on realizing that FORGIVENESS IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS! ?? Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness!!! It’s worth repeating until my heart and my mind get on the same page with forgiveness. Where are you with forgiveness? Do you struggle too? ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
Rain drop after rain drop….in the midst of the storm…one could still see the pieces of my brokenness floating everywhere. At the center of my brokenness was…lies of my past. Things I had told myself for the last 7 years to get through…only to find that I had wasted my own time and helped break my own heart…repeatedly. Do not feel sorry for me…for I did this to myself. The warning signs appeared when I was 3 months in but I chose to stick it out and believe there was a soul in the eyes of a liar. I did that. I broke my own heart. I am no victim of my circumstances. The signs were there. But I chose to believe…hoping God could change this one thing. It was not written in the stars and though I breathe a sigh of relief…my heart still aches. There is no soul in the eyes of a liar. Only darkness. Remember that. Remember the aching. Remember the continuous embarrassments. Remember the toxicity of all. TOXIC. That sums up the last 7 years. Still…as the storm approached…something amazing happened. Each night, I would dream of new love and then awaken to a yearning for it. I dreamt of true understanding, respect, and trust. I dreamt of him being my best friend….no because it was cliche to say so but because after all I had been through…he understood me with just one look. He is a spiritual man but not overly religious. And his eyes are truly kind. He would be the first man to come along that would focus only on building and not tearing down what’s left of my heart. Even in insecure moments…just a glance from him would calm my spirit. I dreamt of new love. The kind of earth shattering love that would reinforce my belief in true love. This kind of love would make me believe in the unthinkable and for once in my life…I would not be afraid. No need to fear his kind eyes for he is not after my body. He’s come only for my heart. That’s the kind of man I dreamt of. And just when I thought it was just a dream….Autumn told me that she dreamt my daughter and she said we were happy. Autumn told me the dream was so vivid that she could not keep it from me. And though the man she dreamt was not the man with the kind eyes that I yearn for…I felt reassured that new love was in fact on its way. My daughter was dressed in lavender with a bow in her head and we were happy. That’s exactly the color I would have put her in had I had the courage to dream my baby. I feel so close now. Close to new love. Close to holding my baby…whose father would be the only man I was saving my womb for. He would have the strength to help me heal my broken pieces. And for that…I will provide him with a lifetime of love and family. Perhaps that’s what my brokenness taught me…to appreciate every happy moment and to never take love for granted. I dreamt of new love and even in the midst of my brokenness and tears…I have faith that the rain will wash away my pain. And at the precise moment that the sun breaks away from the clouds…I will stand tall and say…I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE! ?? Love is in fact on its way. I feel it. ~KJM feeling hopeful on Flashback Friday??
And he asked me…“How long will you wait?” I paused for a second and then suddenly two answers came to mind. The FIRST was to paraphrase Fatima from the book “The Alchemist” in saying “Before this…I always looked to the desert with longing; But now it will be with hope; My father went away one day but he returned to my mother, and he has always come back since then; I am a woman of the desert.” I take this to mean that women of the desert trust that no matter what happens their true love will come back to them. It is better for him to follow his personal legend to his treasures in life than to wait with me in time…living with regrets of the journeys he never took. The Alchemist reminded me that “LOVE never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend; If he abandons that pursuit…it’s because it was not true love…the love that speaks the language of the world.” So to sum up my first answer…like the women in the desert in times of war…I am independent and wise enough to know that I have to wait until he completes his Personal Legend or we will never be happy. He, BOAZ, must see what the world has to offer him in order to know that he is CHOOSING me out of true love and not out of some need to not be alone. My SECOND answer for the man was…I will wait as long as he, BOAZ, waited on me for there was a time I too was not ready. I had my own Personal Legend to live out and now that I have fulfilled that Legend…I too am now choosing love freely and not out of obligation nor loneliness. And so I wait. To my surprise, the man accepted my answers. Then he said…“Two things you must learn to successfully be a woman of the desert…SUBMISSION and CONTENTMENT. Submit…not to your detriment…but to the things you cannot control. His…the man you wait on…ways are not within your control. During moments of possible contention…ask yourself if it is worth being angry over things you cannot control. And to fully understand this man you call BOAZ…you must understand contentment. Be content in where you are. Right now you are waiting for him to return. Do not be impatient nor upset in your wait. Wait with the patience and understanding Fatima exerted in the desert for the shepherd boy. You must not forget submission and contentment for they are the things that good wives are made of. Lastly, and this one you already know…you must practice patience! Anything in life worth having will require great patience!” When he finished, I pondered all he had said. Submission and contentment were not words I was familiar with. Neither of my parents had accomplish this in their marriage. Before I could even finish that thought…the man unexpectedly asked one more question. “What if the Ex Factor is BOAZ?” Now it was my turn to pause. After a long pause I replied…’I do not believe the Ex Factor is BOAZ and there is something deep inside of me that does not want him to be.’ That’s the thing I never said out loud. It’s contradictory that I believe God could turn water into wine…I believe that God can heal the sick…and I wholeheartedly believe that God could turn almost any situation around but this was the one thing I doubted Him in. I hope and pray that things with BOAZ will be easier. That I will fall asleep at night knowing he loves me and that there will never be a single thing that I will have to forgive BOAZ for. This was the reason why I went with Elijah in Fall 2015. With someone new…there’s no pain there because there is no history. I expected things to be easier with anyone but the Ex Factor. BOAZ won’t disappoint me nor make me cry. He won’t neglect me and it will be easier. That’s what I thought. The man looked at me and said “pray on it but do realize that God is capable of anything.” There I stood…waiting in silence. And like Fatima said…“I am a woman of the desert but above all else I am a woman.” As women, the wait is never easy but whether it be for BOAZ or the Ex Factor…I must wait until they complete their Personal Legend for at the very least…God allowed me to do the same. ~KJM paraphrasing a conversation I had with an older and happily married male coworker yesterday (Easter Sunday). Happy Charm School Monday! ?
There’s a deep freeze heading my way and it just may take with it my heart. After writing Monday’s blog (see She Said It Was Amazing) a series of events occurred. Someone posted an unflattering picture of me on one of their social networks and I just lost it. I mean you could not even see my face!? As I was sitting at my desk asking myself why they would do something like that…it dawned on me that I’m not so materialistic to think every photo on social networks must be perfect…so what was the real issue that caused me to cry?! I’m in a process of working on myself. From the emotional to the physical and the picture triggered so many not great memories. I have not felt desired by the Ex Factor since September 2012… As I said in Monday’s blog, he’s very comfortable and it shows. We have had several discussions about it and as far as I’m concerned…he’s all talk and no action. I hit him with my thoughts via text (not the best thing to do) and after a long while he responded about how I was feeling about the photo and NOT about his part in making me feel this way. I feel…INSECURE! If there are any men reading this blog…I’m going to repeat this again for you in case you missed it in Monday’s blog…. That woman that loves you needs to be emotionally, physically, and mentally validated and cared for by you! If you do not heed this warning…your woman will walk away and another man will do your job…easily….?? There’s no amount of dick down that can replace actions of care. As a matter of fact…the more you neglect that woman that loves you…is the worse your sex life will be! ? Sex with the Ex Factor has been a chore for the last couple of years…like laundry…and I hate laundry yet sometimes it’s necessary. ?? This explains why my friend’s story of her current boo got me all kinds of envious and I’m rarely envious! I have been neglected and I’m not sure there is any amount of forgiveness that can get us pass this stage. Now before you go there…let me put you on to a few things. No one every tells girls this but I will. You will probably grow up to fall in love with a selfish and self centered man who will forget everything from your birthday to your anniversary! ?Boys are raised to think only of themselves while girls are raised to think of others! I know this is a huge generalization but roll with it for the sake of this blog. Now like with any rule…there are exceptions! My Daddy is one of them. Growing up, he would remind me not only of the day I was born (a Thursday) but would go on for most of my life calling me at the exact time (12:40pm) I was born while there would be some years my own mother would forget my birthday! ? But for the most part your man…despite his best efforts…will forget things, think you are being dramatic, and will push your feelings aside. Even a more astonishing fact is most wives will lie and pretend that their husbands are so in tuned with their every emotion (FALSE) instead of telling you the real deal about how they overcame these difficult moments! I get marriage is sacred and you cannot let people in on the ins and outs of it but at least remind a sista that men are work! ? Truth be told…only a woman truly knows a woman but some women do get lucky and get men that at least try to learn their women! Most of us, however, will struggle with teaching him how to be emotionally available, caring, consistent, and PRESENT in all moments but especially the difficult ones! ?? The man you love may really love you but selfish self centered asshole is still going to be his middle name. It’s ingrained in his gender! Woosa! ?? Most of us will have huge moments of doubt about whether he loves us, whether we made the right decision of choosing him, will have to practice patience and hardcore forgiveness, and will have to work on not stepping outside of ourselves during those difficult moments! Sigh…I feel so unprepared for it all! I did not grow up seeing great communication between my parents. Matter of fact…even now…they can hardly be in the same room together without arguing! Sigh…so that leaves me to ask…if a man does not know how to love now…will he ever?! ? When Julio and I split many years ago…I left that relationship thinking he treated every other woman better than me. What I came to find out from his continuous single status is um…no. He definitely was not treating them better or else at least one of them would have stayed and married his ass! ?? Goes to show that even with the straight men marriage market being so limited…some sistas will say single is better than married to an asshole! And I agree! ?? But I digress… Can a man learn to love in a non selfish way? I’m not sure. What I do know is I have verbally communicated my concerns with the Ex Factor and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. So while I continue to work on me…he’s over there being the same person! Now I know what you are thinking…I should just leave him and trust me I’m sure the Good Lord knows if and when that time will be. The reason I have stayed put (besides loving him) is because these are obstacles most women will have to deal with…with most men during the course of their relationship! Don’t believe me? Remember this time last year I was asking “do husbands get soaked in the rain with their wives?” That blog was about selfish ass Elijah after I broke up with him! Now he was a special type of selfish, cheap, and controlling but still most men have some of these elements in them. They are more focused on impressing their boys than making the woman that loves them happy. You will be living with and/or married to a big kid for the entire length of your relationship. Many times you will question whether he was stuck on stupid when he does certain things. ? And there will be moments you will want to leave his ass right where you found him! ?? I wish someone had told me these things when I started dating at age 15. Still…the Ex Factor is the most emotionally deficient guy I’ve ever bumped into and I’m just fucking exhausted. I’m beginning to think that a woman’s plot in life is to wish she was a lesbian so she would not ever have to deal with men again! Unfortunately, I’m straight and in love with an emotionally unavailable man. Damn…I’m wondering if I pissed someone off badly in another life and I’m paying for it in this one?! ?~KJM on Hump Day saying…shout out to all the lesbians! Let your thoughts be free…but mostly let your mind be free of men! Lol. Back to focusing on me…??
You must forgive me…I do not typically start my Mondays like this. But she (an anonymous friend) said IT WAS AMAZING four days ago and the word is still lingering in my mind. Fuck she mean AMAZING?! I had not said that word in like 7 years! ? No disrespect to any of my lovers but it is true. My last real Big O was in May 2010…with Phoenix. Now my friend is dropping words like Amazing and I’m like…where do they do that at?! Most of my friends (female/male…straight/gay) are married so no one in my circle generally throws around the word Amazing when it comes to sex. I think Harmony may have been the most recent (until now) to utter that word…last Fall about a guy she was seeing. But Harmony is my only friend that lives for Amazing experiences.?? What got me about my anonymous friend saying that she had Amazing sex with a guy she is secretly seeing…is she is not the type to easily use the word Amazing. And I could hear it in her voice…as if she was falling right back into the sexual trance he put her in…just by reliving a chapter in her sex chronicles. ? Fuck she mean Amazing? Girl…what did he do to you? Second by second…minute by minute was filled with a built up passion they had both been dreaming about for nine months. He innocently forgot to inform her that he was packing heat. ? Not a pistol penis…more like a missile that was about to invade her space. They were going to war…just the two of them and her neighbors were destined to hear about it ALL NIGHT LONG! ?? It wasn’t just the fact that he had a gigantic penis that made their sex Amazing…I could hear this as her voice trembled. We had both dated men in the big dick club…heck the Ex Factor is a member…but she spoke of deep desires, him whispering sweet nothings in her ears as they broke dawn, and him comforting her through a series of sex positions. She…said…it…was…AMAZING! He stayed with her…in a moment in time that they would both treasure. She wanted to keep him to herself…all to herself…and that was why they were secretly seeing each other. Once friends and now lovers…they needed to figure out what they were to each other before announcing it to the world. Yet she had to tell me that it was Amazing. She could not hold it in any longer…and as if she was still biting her pillow in throws of ecstasy…she managed to get out the word AMAZING! ?? Fuck she mean Amazing? I…I…need details! I asked my friend to not hold back and to tell me everything because I cannot tell the last time…I had been eaten alive with cries of passion. I needed to remember what Amazing entailed. “I shook…I shivered…and then my body betrayed me and exploded into a sea of ecstasy…so much so that he may have heard me mourn that it was AMAZING,” she said. “It was our first time and I was not ready for him to know all my pleasure zones. But it was like he had always had a map,” she breathlessly confessed. Man…she said he was Amazing especially at dawn when he spoke of his feelings for her. My friend was not expecting any of this. Especially to hear that he had been waiting on only her…wanting only her…desiring only her. She said it was Amazing when he held her and she just knew that this night would forever go down in history. There was no where nor no one else he was rushing to. He was there with her…thinking only of her. ONLY HER?She said it was AMAZING and I was instantly jealous! Maybe next time she can record the sounds…I needed to know what it felt like to be desired like that. I needed to hear it…don’t need the visual…just want to know that those sounds are still possible… You see I really love the Ex Factor but he has gotten very comfortable and lazy. Because he knows how much I love him…he no longer feels like he has to try. His family (which is understandable) and friends always come before me. I…am…an AFTERTHOUGHT and even though he tries to justify it…it’s greatly affected our sex life. Most of the time I have no desire for him to touch me. The love is still there but because I do not feel secure and valued…I no longer desire him. I get that the way things are at the beginning of a relationship is not the way it is when you have been together a long time…but I’m not his wife. The Ex Factor should not feel he HAS ME! I wholeheartedly belong to myself. And even if I was his wife…I would hope he would realize that love alone with no follow through/acts of care can die. Maybe we are just in a rut…but still when my homegirl said it was AMAZING…I could not help but mourn the part of me that had died. My sexual being. The part of me that Crazy from college and Phoenix in my adult life…had tapped into. I miss having AMAZING moments. ~KJM enticed by the word AMAZING on this Charm School Monday?
For some reason, the human spirit only celebrates large milestones. Many of us look pass the small ones that took us on an unforgettable journey of CHANGE! Think back to a time in your life when you needed to make some big changes. Did you really acknowledge those small victories? If you did…you are definitely ahead of the game. Most of us get very discouraged when we have only made small progress after extreme hard work. We miss the fact that we have taken a step forward and that’s really what matters! I am guilty of ignoring my small victories. Today, however, I am doing my best to realize that SERENITY IS ANY PROGRESS! As a matter of fact, even those moments of failure are a sign of progress. ??Instead of settling for a situation or circumstance…we took a step further…and even though we did not achieve our goal (as of yet) the fact that we tried is pure BRAVERY! ?? So many people complain about their lives and are just too fearful or lazy to try to make a change. Time and time again…I’ve heard “I’m too old to try” or “I would never be able to accomplish that like such and such did!” Folks are living on the sidelines of their own lives and don’t even know it! ? Just sitting there “giving the tea” on other people’s lives while ignoring the fact that their lives are rotting away! ? Do not be that person! Take a step to change the things you do not like in your life. One small step could lead to an eternity of change and happiness. Never give up on that! Never give up on yourself! And I’m certainly taking my own advice! April 2017 is like my New Years Eve. I have taken some small steps towards progress and May 2017 will be the New Year of that change. As always, I will keep you guys posted! Be blessed in all you do! ~KJM on Serenity Sunday aka Palm Sunday! ❤️
This morning I knew what I was going to blog about before I even started writing. But the Universe sent its approval by having an article called “10 Signs Your Partner Has Lost Interest In You” float through my newsfeed. Of course I clicked it! ? To my knowledge, the Ex Factor and I hit 9 out of 10 but for all I know it could be 10 out of 10. While this article refers to a partner, it’s clear from reading it that it’s geared towards women! ??Even when you look at the pictures…you can easily see…it’s the man losing interest! What the fuck?! Women lose interest too! Matter of fact in 100% of my relationships, I’m the one that starts to find my dudes unattractive, flaky, and uninteresting. I have had THREE partners that lost their looks, in my opinion, and were down right ugly on the inside too! If you are curious to know who I am referring to…Julio, Elijah, and a dude I dated when I was 19 (the one the fortune teller told me that he cheated)! ??????Dudes fall off and don’t hit the gym like they should or even worse…they criticize my body and when I get a good look at them…I’m like no homey…you on the wrong gym plan! Lol. Let me be clear about something. I am definitely not materialistic. I took these folks as they were and cared for them but if you gonna be a dick and criticize me…I’m gonna size up your penis and when it turns up shorter than short…I won’t apologize for dropping you! ?? Some dudes bulking up when they shouldn’t and others got the rolls going on for days! Now if you treat me right and I love you unconditionally…I will work with you! But some of these low self esteem women got men thinking we desperate to have them and thus…dudes like Julio and Elijah think it’s okay to rip women apart! No sir you shall not! I have said it time and time again…I can hit my own G spot! Can’t tell the last time ANY man has done that! And no this is not an article about ripping my exes apart. I got mad love for them. My point is….magazines gear these types of articles to women…always telling us that we need to work on keeping a man! Like…what about him working on keeping my ass?! ?? Does anyone give them directions about a woman’s needs and how to tend to those needs?! ?? Better yet…do them mutha f*ckers even read the signs in their own relationships?! I had a conversation with Julio and the Ex Factor (in different time periods of my life) about me losing interest in them and falling out of love. Julio did not take me seriously and his cocky ass expected me to stay in love. Four months after I spoke to Julio about my loss of attraction and love for him…I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor! ? Yup. Julio still cannot believe it! That was 7 years ago! And to be honest…I never thought I would fall out of love with Julio either…but it happened and he can never say I did not warn him! Sometimes the ego writes checks the heart cannot cash! ? Recently, I had a similar conversation with the Ex Factor about losing love and interests. I could see him diligently thinking and his response was one of concern though his every day actions still say to me he does not give a fuck! ? Though I thank him for his look of concern…I shall remember it when I meet my NEXT LOVE! ?? Now I know what y’all are thinking. NO…the Ex Factor and I are not beefing. He is his usual self and I am my usual self…and that may just be our problem. He won’t change and I can…but won’t if he’s sitting on his ass! I match inconsistency with inconsistency…lack of interest with lack of interest…afterthought with afterthought. ?? For example, I am living a really stressful life right now and have 1000 issues I need to tend to. The Ex Factor isn’t even 1001!?? I treat him like he treats me. Them days of me thinking of how to keep him have been over! I’m just waiting for some other woman to take him off my hands so I can sleep well at night because he will be her full time problem instead of my part time issue! ??? Lol. Funny but not funny! He’s probably going to kill me for that one. But I digress…. My point is society is always telling women they need to improve themselves for men but do not do the same for men! Men get fit…not for us…but for themselves. They do not have to get what I would like to call “relationship worry reminders” in their newsfeed all day! Relationship worry reminders are what I call articles that have us women doubting a perfectly great relationship that has not had any abnormal issues! All of a sudden we think we are fat and he’s losing interest…when his ass is really at work…focused on work…and not some BS article that was probably written by a man who couldn’t get a woman or some bitter woman who got burnt by a guy that was NEVER checking for her?! ? Truth be told, no matter how much I doubt love in my own life…I would never tell my readers to stop believing in love! I believe in it! Love is the ONLY reason why I still have the Ex Factor in my life! ? Though I do have to give him credit. He’s been down with me when I was the brokest and now…when I’m at my highest weight! The Ex Factor has never made me feel bad about any of those things! And he has the kindest eyes I have ever seen….followed by stunning good looks that I cannot imagine will ever fade! But still he is lacking in the actions of care department. We shall see what will happen there…. For now, let me be honest with saying, I haven’t actively thought about how to keep the Ex Factor since 2012. He should really focus on trying to learn how to keep me! Somebody need to put that in an article! ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! And y’all know I text the Ex Factor a copy of that article lol ?
Last night I could not sleep. You see…yesterday I started to take some major steps in my life to change the things that made me uneasy. Things that I did have control of. And then suddenly the number 7 popped into my mind. It was as if I could hear Grace’s voice reminding me that 7 is a number of completion. Completion….my mind kept repeating the word. I became restless…fully aware that sleep would not visit me on this particular night. Completion! Wide awake thinking about what completion meant in my life. I feel like I’m so close. But close to what? And who will go with me? Lately, I have not been afraid to let go of anything and anyone. Completion may mean the start of a new chapter, a new journey, and new goals. I feel like I am so close. But I am not sure if I will take you with me. It’s like I am waiting for a sign from God…not my mind…to be sure that you will not be a part of my next chapter. My mind. My completion. My contemplation. I am intelligent enough to know that it is my mind that has awakened my soul with thoughts of completion. Complete me? My life’s work is to always continue growing until I take my last breath and even from the other side of the living…I hope to inspire others to never be complete in their journey of love, life, and laughter. Even with these spirit soothing thoughts…I lay awake thinking of what the number 7 and completion means to my life. Whatever the quest…I am not silly enough to think that those who started with me will be there for my completion…my 7th moment of perfection and totality. 7 is a number that represents completion. The time is near and I know I am so close! If only I could rest easy knowing that I will not know all of the details in advance…and that’s okay. It’s okay to not know what shall be perfectly complete in my life. It’s…okay… ~KJM on Charm School Monday.?