The end of the year is upon us and I just can’t let some of y’all go into 2016 without this remedial course. Some of you thought you were doing it up in 2015 but you um…weren’t. Before I get into this infamous count down, I want to let you know that (a) I love and support women and (b) I’m a black woman so most of this list will apply to black women but some will apply to all women. Lastly, if you love how you look skip this course but if you don’t…think of me as that good friend who has been hesitant to say a word to you but wants the best for you. Don’t shoot the messenger! Here is a list of things you thought you nailed but you actually failed:
9. FAKE EYE LASHES! It’s one thing if you are purposely trying to look like a drag queen but if you aren’t…baby girl I can’t see your eyes because your fake lashes are covering them. The big bird look is so yesterday. Try lashes that fit your face and look natural. If the drag queen look is what you are trying to achieve, aim to slay like Ru Paul!
8. BLEACH BLONDE HAIR! I wish everyone from Beyoncé to Heather Locklear could give the hair color blonde a rest especially when they go all the way to bleach blonde. Very few women, despite the race (that’s right even white women in my opinion), can wear the color blonde. I know male society sold women the idea that this was the ideal color to be attractive but that’s simply not true! Not to mention, bleach blonde eats hair out no matter the race! If you want to have blonde bald spots one day…keep letting this trend eat away at you! For those of you wigging it…I will get back to you shortly! Whomever said blondes have more fun was wrong! I love my brunettes and redheads! “Variety is the spice of life!”
7. RED LIPSTICK! Now I personally am not a fan of red lipstick. I love purple but that’s me. For women of all races, there is a red lipstick that matches your complexion and the shape of your face…go find it! Don’t just pick a shade because you think it looks pretty and wear it! It has to look PRETTY ON YOU! That’s right…you! So stop channeling “homie the clown” from the 90s show “In Living Color.” Great show but definitely not meant to be a fashion guide.
6. COLORED CONTACTS! Some of you are so obsessed with changing your eye color that you can’t see that these cheap contacts are burning off your eyeballs! Now I’m not talking to the folks who need to wear contacts for their vision and opted for something fashionable (but be careful here…still select a color that doesn’t make you look like an abandoned ally cat)!
5. NATURAL HAIR! I know I’m going to get some shit for this but sistas not everyone does natural well. Some women (and men for that matter) think natural means never having to wash, comb, nor oil their hair. I don’t want to see fuzz balls in your dreads. Not to mention, natural hair styles much like short cuts, take a lot of maintenance! I’ve actually been natural, since 2004, but don’t wear my natural hair out. I don’t know how to comb any type of hair, work very long hours, and don’t have time to be at the hair salon every other week. Also, much of the natural styles I admire would not look right for me. FYI my hair salon actually specializes in both natural hair and weaves. Hence why my mane has grown so full, thick, and healthy! Shout out to my salon! The natural movement is a beautiful one! And I support those that show off their beautiful natural mane! But please oh please don’t set the movement back by not caring for your hair!
4. WEAVES/FRONT LACE WIGS! Now let me start off by saying that I wear weaves. But I do not think every style fits me and I invest in good quality hair. I hate going to the bathroom at my day job and seeing clumps of synthetic hair on the floor. As a fellow weave wearer, I always feel like I’ve to clean up behind the cheap hair in fear someone will think it’s my hair shedding. Not to mention some of y’all are still getting weaves sewn in as if they were done in the 80s (and not in a good way)! There is no way I should still be seeing a circle in the middle of your head! *Lawd a mercy!* Please go to a professional stylist! Also don’t wear your weaves for a year! Contrary to popular belief, weave wearers can have their edges! I damn sure do and I’ve been wearing weaves for over 10years. This is why it’s important to get a stylist that specializes in growing your hair as well as styling your weaves! Now to the front lace people. I’ve personally never worn one but I’ve women in my family that wear front laces (mostly because of health issues) and slay at it! I know we all can’t afford a Beyoncé front lace but let’s at least attempt to give the $1.99 looking ones a break! Last but not least in this area, with both weaves and front laces, ask yourself this….can you wear color? I see so many people in blonde (see #6 of this list) and cannot maintain the color. The lighter the color hair (also true for your real hair that’s dyed), the more care you will have to use. It will get brittle and dried out quickly. For the weave and wig wearers, this means the front of your hair may be laid but the back will look like a knotted bush. Actually it will look like your weave just got into a cat fight….and lost.
3. THAT OUTFIT THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOUR FRIEND! True female friendships are a beautiful thing. It’s nice when you and a close friend naturally compliment each other. However, some of y’all go up in your BFFs closet and put on a outfit she slayed in at the club last month. Y’all are two different sizes…all over…and because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings she lets you borrow and wear the outfit out. Now bless her heart but she should have stopped you! Friends are not meant to look alike. Just because she looked great in it doesn’t mean you will! Be you boo and style yourself in a way that makes you look and feel beautiful. It’s ok to say your friend looks great and still be comfortable with you!
2. YOU LET HER WEAR THAT? Now to the BFF in number 3, I’m calling you out! I never ever want to put another woman down but if my friend doesn’t look right in an outfit and she’s asks me about it…I will nicely tell her the truth. For example, I was in Vegas last month celebrating my brother Junior’s 30th. While we were waiting on our VIP line, I see a group of women get on a line to my left…four women, three of which were big women and one anorexic looking one. The tiny one had on a white mini dress with granny panties and wait for it….A BIG MAXI PAD printing out of the back of her dress! Yes it was her time of the month and we all could tell! Ironically, one of my male cousins pointed it out and started to laugh as we all looked on mortified!!!! Now to her friends…why y’all do her like that and in VEGAS! Jesus be a fence! Why didn’t anyone say…girl that’s not going to work. You need tampons! Either they weren’t really her friends or they were trying not to hurt her feelings like the glow in the dark lights sure did inside the club! Why oh why?!
1. THINKING THAT EVERYONE SHOULD DRESS LIKE YOU BUT YOU AIN’T GOT NO STYLE! A few months ago I went on a weekend trip with a friend of mine and her two cousins. Throughout the trip they kept critiquing my friend and I. One told me I’m too old to wear lip gloss and have it have style. Neither one, in my opinion, had any kind of style! I’m all about uplifting women so generally I do not make a comment about how any of my friends style themselves unless they ask! Not to mention all my female friends (of many different cultures and races) have different styles that work for them. We encourage each other. My friend’s cousins were just two unhappy not stylish mean girls. To those mean girls and all the others around the world, stop thinking you are on the cover of Vogue and know everything about style. Work on your own self esteem to the point where you don’t have to put others down! You ladies are the biggest fashion faux pas! As I’ve heard time and time again…“there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women!” ~KJM dropping some end of the year knowledge on Hump Day aka the second to last day of 2015!