Merry Christmas from the Michaels family! One Love!
Archives for December 2015
It’s Christmas Eve and in the honor of resting my body over the holidays, I laid in my filth until around 5pm. Boy it felt great to not be commuting nor working today! At the point where I could no longer stand laying in my pajamas (more like my version of some), I grabbed my towel and headed to the shower. Just as I was going to step one foot in the tub, I noticed a shadow blocking the other foot. I looked down and to my horror…I had grown a very full bush!
Usually I trim my bush the first day after my period ends. I do this whether it’s one of my celibate years or one of my “dick could fall out the sky” years. My maintenance is NEVER for a man! Lately, I’ve been working very long hours 6 days a week. On my one day off, typically Sunday, I’m so exhausted that just showering is a task. I’m guessing this is how my bush escaped me. Generally, I’m not a hairy woman…I barely have eyebrows…so a little trim once a month keeps my bush low and cute. Low enough where it doesn’t seem like I’m growing a garden yet full enough that it doesn’t seem like I’m a 12yr old child. Yuck. I generally don’t date men who have a fetish for a bald bush!
Now back to my horror! What to do with my full bush? I could keep growing it and rebel against all the sexist pressure that strongly encourages me to shave it or I could just go get my shaver and do what must be done! Speaking of what must be done…I’m still trying to figure out how my bush got this way. I’ve probably been having sex once a month (if that) and I’m not even sure if Elijah and I will ever be doing it again. I want to have romance and a chance to fall in love and I just don’t think that’s in the cards for Elijah and I. We both work like crazy (he works more than I do which I admire) and our communication skills are horrible. Come to think of it…last I saw him my bush was probably more full than I normally keep her. But since I haven’t had a man eat me out in almost 3 years and my sex life in general has been scarce and uneventful in the last 4 years…I’m surprised I didn’t just grow a tropical forest on top of my vagina!
And if I never shave her again…are grown men ordering a full bush nowadays? These are all the thoughts running through my mind as I debate.
Finally, I break down, run upstairs, and grab my razor. I get in the shower and I shave my bush to her usual glory. When it comes down to it…I’m a straight woman and just the thought of cuddling up with a full bush left me feeling…well…hairy. ~KJM wishing you a Happy Christmas Eve on this unseasonably warm Throwback Thursday?
Why oh why…two days before Christmas…is Mama Michaels JUST putting up the Christmas tree?! I reminded her that she doesn’t have any grandchildren and all her children are grown…she can give the tree a rest this year! She replied that she always puts the tree up right after Thanksgiving but this year she has been working nonstop and just had a chance to do it. She also told me that one day she will be able to pay a decorator to decorate our house! Got to love Mama Michaels…she dreams big even before she is told the vision!
We’ve all been there. In a relationship that didn’t work and may even have brought us deep pain but also at times brought us pure joy. I know I made the right decision with moving forward because I could not lie to myself…that it was ok to be put on hold. I could no longer tell myself that it was natural to be his after thought. I could no longer allow myself to not be his priority. But even with moving forward, there are things I’m terrified that I will not be able to do now that I’ve let him go. Going to count down as if I’m talking directly to the ex factor.
7. I’m afraid I will not be able to have quiet time with someone I care about. Meaning to be silent with the one I love but our quality time together means something. Just one look and you get me.
6. I’m afraid I won’t have a special place that I share with someone I love. That place that no matter the tension and arguments, once there, we somehow learn how to love and be there for one another.
5. I’m afraid that no other man will know exactly how to set up my bath/hot tub with candles. You watched me do it once and you nailed it. I loved stepping into the hot tub knowing you know my water temperature and know exactly where to place the towels so we are both comfortable. I loved talking about our day by candlelight.
4. I’m terrified that no other man will remember that he can’t leave the tv on something scary or intense like the news when we are going to bed because I periodically wake up throughout the night and just want to see something happy on tv.
3. I’m scared that I may never go on a date anticipating every moment because I’m truly with the man I love the most. My heart skipped a beat for years while dating you. Even in the difficult times, my heart was always so open to you.
2. I’m afraid I will never make love to a man again. After making love for 5 years, I cringe at the thought of just getting into bed with a man purely for sexual pleasure. I cringe at some man touching me and not understanding how to entice me and tap into my love language. While our sex life greatly suffered the last 4 months of our dating….the power struggles and disconnection were ruining us…you were the first man I’ve actually made love to. I can separate love and sex easily but with you, when things were great, I had the best of both worlds.
And 1. I’m terrified I will never fall in love again…especially as deeply and intensely. These are my fears. I pray my future special someone can make me feel so safe and secure and that I receive all these things plus all the wonderful things you could never give me. I’m scared but still I move forward. I move forward with hopes of a greater love. I’m going to use my fear to drive me to the love I so deserve.
~KJM on Temptation Tuesday (saying to my readers….let those of us with broken hearts all learn to fall in love all over again with someone new and great).
If you recently cheated with your man’s best friend, family member, or associate, STOP reading! This blog won’t be for you. Nothing can really help you now but Jesus! It may be over forever! Now for the rest of us that mess up in different ways with our men or want to try something different with men…this is for you! Here are 6 things they claim only work on women but I’ve actually tried on men and been successful at:
6. BUY A MAN A DRINK AT A BAR. There’s been this ugly assumption that if a woman shows a man interest first, she will be seen as easy. This is simply not true. I was raised to be a hunter and in my hunting career, rarely have casual relationships unless I’m purposely choosing to. Usually when I hunt, I hunt well and end up dating the man for years! Now hunting does not mean be thirsty! I do not run after a man period! I simply show interest (give him the green light) and he, in turn, must be the man and pursue me! Now that I’ve gotten that out the way…back to that drink. I lived in North Carolina for 4 years. During much of that time, I was celibate and not dating by choice. Julio, my first love, and I had our final break up at the end of my first year in NC. After that heartbreak, I needed a long break from dating. A little over a year later, on a nice hot August night in NC, I went out with some of my girls to an event that was being held at a Cuban restaurant. This was during the 2008 Democratic National Convention in which our now President, Barack Obama, was stepping forward as a man who was going to bring this country HOPE! “YES WE CAN!” And yes he did?? Okay back to this drink! Where is this fucking drink?! Hold your horses! I’m bringing it to you baby! Lol. Finally get to the event at the Cuban restaurant to see a sea of women and only a sprinkling of men! I made up my mind that I was going to meet someone that night. My pick up line was “Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?” One guy, who I will call Mario, gave me a million dollar answer! Mario said he’s been watching it all week with his mom and his sister? Jackpot! A family oriented man! Make a long story short I bought him a drink and we went on to date for over 6 months until he got a job as a contractor in Afghanistan! Don’t worry, we kept in touch for years. He lived over seas for 3 years to make money for him and his family. I’m happy to report, Mario is in NC again and doing well! So proud of him. Now I can say the Democratic National Convention and a drink got me a man! Touchdown??
5. SENDING A MAN FLOWERS. Now hear me out! I’ve done this 4 times in my life and generally it was because I was in the dog house with a man or he had just did something wonderful for me and I wanted to say thank you in a way that everyone around him would take notice! Special note: please do not send girly looking flowers to his job! My favorites are a dozen white or deep purple roses. I like to choose an arrangement that doesn’t look like Valentine’s Day exploded and took a poop! These are for MEN after all! Now if you still don’t think this is a good idea…think again. I once asked my older male cousin what’s the nicest thing a woman has ever done for him? He replied…send him flowers and said “Even though men are generally not big on flowers, it’s nice when my woman randomly has them delivered to me. It’s like she is letting the world know that I am hers and she thought of me today! Men need that validation too!” Also, I’ve gotten out of any mess I’ve put myself into in my relationships when I said I’m sorry with flowers? That’s right! Now some of you need to go run (not walk) to the flower shop!
4. SEND A GOOD MORNING AND A GOOD NIGHT TEXT. We’ve all been there. It’s the start of a new relationship and we are so into this new guy. He texts us “good morning” and we climax! He texts us “good night” and we are calling girlfriends from the U.S. to Hong Kong to let them know that our new man not only thinks about us day and night but even dreams about us! Yassss honey! This could be love! What may not have occurred to us is that maybe he wants to know that he is the first and last thing on our minds each day! The male ego is fragile and needs reassurances too. At the start of my second longest relationship, the ex factor would text me good morning and good night. My heart would skip a beat each time especially in the first two years! As the years went on and we went through so much, I realized that I needed to reassure him too! So I started to text him as soon as my eyes opened (well after prayer that is….because Jesus is still number 1. Lol) and right as I was going to sleep. If I ever forgot, like clock work he would text me. We did this even though we text throughout the work/school day. I think it’s an important tip to follow whether at the start of a relationship or 5 years into it! The ex factor knew he was loved! I sent my love in big ways (refer to number 1) and sent it in small ways in the form of a “good night” text.
3. REDECORATE A MAN’S HOUSE. Now out of all of them…this one is tricky. If done wrong, you could completely fuck up your relationship. So proceed with caution!!!! Think back to a time you needed something fixed like a broken door knob/lock and your boo noticed it and fixed it by the time you got home? Or the time he knew you wanted some furniture for your house/apartment and surprised you with it? Men love this too! But the trick to redecorating a part of his apartment is NOT to make your female mark or change him…but to enhance him. “Upgrade him” like Beyoncé suggests! I dated a guy once that had a huge and beautiful bathroom with a separate tub and shower. His colors were burgundy and gold but everything in it was ragged and dusty! The shower mats looked like he had them for the last 10 years without washing them! I nearly died at the sight! One day, right after he went to work, I decided it was time to redecorate his bathroom. I went out and bought all the mats, shower curtains, rods, candles, towels, and wash cloths. I kept everything burgundy and gold! Those were his colors and who was I to change that! When I got back to his place, I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned that bathroom (full clean) from top to bottom! Then I set up everything. There were burgundy and gold candles in the shower, around the tub, and even at the sinks! To add the Mama Michaels touch, when I was done, I put some lavender fabuloso (it’s like pine-sol but better) in the toilet! When he got home and saw it he jumped with joy! His bathroom was fit for a KING. For the next couple months he told all his family and friends about his new bathroom! He even refused to let guests use his bathroom during the first couple days after it was redecorated by me! Score!
2. SAYING I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU DON’T! Now I’m not proud of this one. I once said “I love you” to a guy to save our relationship. We dated for over two years and neither of us were in love! We both knew this. But when college (WE ARE! PENN STATE!) was over for the both of us and he was moving back to the west coast…I didn’t want to lose him. We agreed that if we were in love, it might be worth it to do the east coast/west coast long distance relationship. But he was such a great guy! So I said “I love you” over the phone and he immediately called me out on it! We went on to be good friends for over 10 years until he met someone special who would probably be his wife and I knew it was time to fully let him go. It’s hard throwing an amazing guy back on the market but we were right not to invest so deeply with no love present. In my longest running relationship with Julio, “I love you” (said meaningfully) got me out of the dog house several times! That shit works on men too! It’s been almost 19 years since Julio and I met and we are still in each other’s lives as friends. An “I love you” can really go a long way!
And 1. PLANNING A DATE/VACATION FOR YOUR MAN. On December 27, my parents, the Michaels, will be celebrating 32 years of marriage and been together close to 40 years! Now they are far from perfect but they are making it work the best they can and they are still IN LOVE with each other! However, ever since I could remember, Papa Michaels complains that for all the years he’s been with my mom, she has never planned a date nor vacation for them. He tells my sister Brenda and I that we better not be repeating the same mistakes with our current boyfriends and future husbands! I’ve never even seen Mama Michaels plan anything for my dad’s birthdays nor Father’s Days and this is for a man that is an active father of 3 children! I grew up with my dad making most of my meals and ironing my uniforms for school while my mom attended college and pursued her dreams of being a nurse! Now Papa Michaels ain’t perfect as a husband but he is a damn good father! The point to take away from here is sometimes it’s nice to create romance for our men. Surprise them with a nice date or vacation. I’ve done this for all my men and each time their faces light up like Christmas trees! Now let me be clear…if you are in a relationship where you always have to plan everything for your man, you are in the wrong one! Got to let a man be a man and spoil his woman. However, there is nothing wrong with a woman treating her man every now and then with a romantic getaway…especially if you guys have kids. If you have an amazing man, you should want to think outside the box when showing him love and thanking him for all he is! Amen! ~KJM dropping some serious knowledge on Charm School Monday’s.
“My only reason for watching Love and Hip Hop NY is Remy-Ma and Papoose! Papoose, the way you hold your wife down…the way you love her is giving black women all over the world hope to not give up on black men??Wishing an abundance of blessings to you both and your family. ‘What God brings together let no man tear apart’??”. KJM paraphrasing the Bible on Mama Michaels Charm School Monday’s saying I no longer watch any of the love and hip hops but black love will do it!
9 years ago, I lost one of the loves of my life…my grandmother, Gloria. Today, my first official day on this site, I want to let her know I love her and we made it! Kingston, Jamaica please stand up! Gone too soon but never forgotten!
It’s crazy to me that in this day and age single women are still writing and asking advice about an affair they are having with a married man. I read such an inquiry on Zane’s Facebook page last week. I’m not sure what she advised that poor lost soul but if I could guess…I think Zane didn’t hold back! Often times I see blogs written about staying away from married men that are written by married women. There are single women who are just as against having an affair with married men! I’m one of them! Here’s the top 10 reasons why her husband will never be yours (from a single woman’s perspective).
10. If you meet a man who is not taking care of his current home, please don’t be fooled into thinking he will come and take good care of your home. Sure when the affair is fresh and new, he may keep your lights on but as time goes on you will be burning a candle at both ends! You might as well just get your flash light out now because as DMX said “it’s dark and hell is hot.”
9. If his wife is “a money hungry bitch that doesn’t understand him”…guess who will be that next money hungry bitch (that’s in the slightest chance that he actually leaves her)?! That’s right…YOU. Some marriages really are bad but people have options to get out! Some times, on the other hand, people just make up stories to get what they want out of you. If he’s staying put, the wife can’t be all that bad.
8. KARMA. If you believe in marriage (which is odd considering what you are doing), how do you ever expect to have a blessed one in the future when you have been laying up with someone else’s husband? Not to mention in the time you spent running after a man that is already taken, you were blocking your own blessings! Put out in the universe what you hope and pray to get back.
7. STDs! If he is hitting it raw and you are just his side piece, there’s a great chance he’s sleeping with his wife unprotected. After all that is HER husband! So if one of you has an STD, surprise! You all will!
6. The ASSOCIATE/FRIEND/FAMILY RULE: Never fuck a friend, associate, nor family members’ husband unless you want to be featured on an episode of “Snapped.” This was actually what the lady who wrote Zane was doing. I think this is the nastiest of the mistresses! This is the ultimate betrayal and I find cheaters like these may never change because they were bold enough to disrespect the wife/friend in her most precious and vulnerable place…her home!
5. If there are children involved, have you thought about them? Chris Rock once said on Oprah that he learned “if you cheat on your wife, you cheat on your children!” That means you are not just hurting a marriage, you are breaking up a family! If you have your own children, what are you teaching them by having this affair? If they don’t know about it, how would you feel if they found out? Worst of all, what if you create a child through this affair? Who in the world wants to be a product of an extramarital affair? A hard dick and open legs sometimes don’t think! I hope this is giving you food for thought.
4. I promise you that your worth will decrease as you live your life in secret. Whatever you think you are adding to that woman’s husband’s life is subtracting from your own. Time spent laying up with him could be better spent on your career and/or children. He has a life that he goes back to every night. What do you have? It’s like I can hear your house phone being disconnected and see the electric company in front of your house turning off the lights. You only lose when you step into someone else’s marriage.
3. Let’s play devil’s advocate and say a married man does leave his wife for you. How faithful do you actually think he will be to you?! You can put a camera on that dick and follow him around all day and trouble may still come your way. Something tells me he would be caught slipping into someone else’s pussy and even worse…you would have the look of shock on your face! Girlfriend you taught him what he knows! Of course he would graduate and use his degree in lies, deceit, and cheat to excel…elsewhere!
2. It feels like you are winning when you steal another woman’s husband but you are not. SHE IS THE WIFE and you my dear are the mistress. Anything great this man achieves, it will be partly because of her. She raised his kids and supported his dreams long before you let him into your bed. No man gives an acceptance speech thanking his mistress. So essentially you don’t exist after he cums. Ouch. Try to pull your face up off the floor…grab your panties while you are there! It’s unladylike to have your face hanging and your draws right next to it!
And 1. The number 1 reason why her husband will never be yours is….if that man is worth a dime, the wife gets it all once he drops dead! It’s 2015 going on 2016 and it’s a recession. Baby girl you have to be fiscally responsible and investing in someone else’s husband while her name is on the mortgage, life insurance, pension plan, checking account, savings account, and his stocks and bonds…is just plain stupid. Mistress incorporated don’t pay well forever…if ever! You will go from shopping at Saks 5th Avenue to selling knock off Gucci bags (also known as Cucci bags) in alleyways. Don’t worry though if you get out of the affair now you may be able to get your finances together on your own and invest in yourself. And if you still feenin for a throwback (like someone’s husband)…I hear Coogi Sweaters are making a comeback! Purchase one and you never know…you may just meet your future (currently not married) husband in one! ~KJM on Hump Day saying it’s easier to keep them ankles from being ashy when you don’t use all your natural moistures on some woman’s husband! Lol.
It’s a weird yet refreshing thing to turn to someone and say ‘no you cannot house your broken pieces here. I no longer collect them. You passed me by long ago. In that time, I learned that I too am broken and I only have room for the healed. You cannot try to revisit me. It’s a one way street towards healing and restoration.’