Happy Charm School Monday! I did not get any sleep last night but have a fire in my belly and a discussion on my mind that I have the energy to share on this rainy morning! Last night, I was catching up with a friend of mine. Suddenly the topic of Erica and Warren Campbell’s “Black Love” segment came up. My friend felt that they shouldn’t have been featured in the docu series because Warren’s long term affair along with impregnating a woman that was not his wife was an unforgivable disrespectful act that Erica put up with (and probably is still putting up with). ? In my friend’s eyes, a one night affair is more forgivable because she views it as a mistake. Good time to mention that there are many folks who think a one night cheat is still an unforgivable cheat. ? But I digress. While I have never been married, I watched that same segment and saw two people who went through hell and back but used their love for each other along with their faith to bring them back together!?? I felt nothing but positive vibes from it. The road to eternity is not easy and most people should know it as many are divorced and/or on their second marriages. No judgement here…just willing to point out the glass houses that many seem to be overlooking when discussing the Campbells, the Wades, and the Carters! ?? Who are we to tell a woman or man for that matter what the standards for their marriage and the level of their forgiveness should be?! I am going to repeat this again…UNLESS ASKED, DO NOT GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE! Maybe it’s just me but 99% of the time that I’m venting to friends and family about the Ex Factor, I just want them to listen. Not one of them have a relationship that would fit me well. I’m seeking a listening ear and I try my best to not overstep my boundaries and do the same for my friends and family when it’s their turn to vent. Even I forget and sometimes say shit I shouldn’t and have to get my shit together quick! ? But a word to the wise…the longer the couple has been together the greater chance they are going to still be together after you drop that unsolicited advice. ?? Not to mention…who the hell has a perfect relationship? It’s kind of mind boggling to me how folks in very messed up situations be the first to dish advice out! Once again, I have never been married so I stay away from giving married folks advice. My friend claims if Erica was her friend she would not tell Erica to leave Warren but my friend would think it. My response to that bull? KEEP THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AWAY FROM ME! As a spiritual person, I truly believe that only three people should actively be in a marriage: husband, wife, and GOD! I also believe that it takes a small village to support a marriage (THE COUPLE). Here’s where y’all come in…watch who you tell your business to. Even if they aren’t saying it but they are wishing it or thinking it…they are harming your marriage/relationship. ?? Words, deeds, and thoughts all guide the universe. You need folks praying for your relationship…not folks waiting to tell you they told you so! ?? Often times, those kind of haters (yes I’m gonna call a spade a spade because I clearly explained my position to my friend for 2.5 hours yesterday over the phone) are unhappy but think they have the answers to your lives. Without throwing her under the bus, my friend is not happy in the journey of her personal life. While she’s trying to get to a better place, I fear that her rigid views of dos and don’ts in OTHER PEOPLE’S MARRIAGES is a road block to her own happiness! And yes I got an opinion about that but only because she opened up her mouth. Two years ago, she told me that the Ex Factor is just going to use me up and that’s what men his age do. ?? There was so much I could have said to that but I let that shit rock because my number one focus was on my life!?? I never asked her opinion (she would have been the last person I would have asked) and I certainly would have never thought of saying some shit like that to someone else! ? A happy and secure person does not spout out such negativity. From that point on, I hardly discuss the Ex Factor with her unless it’s on a positive note. If you have noticed, I have now decreased how much I blog about him. For two years, I opened up our lives to you all. I have learned so much but now it’s time for us to grow. If I blogged about him, you have every right to comment on how you feel because I’ve opened it up to the public! However, if you have dished out unsolicited advice based solely on his age….I’m always gonna see you as a bitter hater! ✌? While long term relationships may not be marriages…not everyone believes in marriage so you got to watch your step when giving advice. If I asked, I welcomed whatever your opinion was. If you agreed with my frustration, I hold no grudge. But if simply because of our age difference you came at me…well let’s just say it spoke volumes of where you were/are in life. UNHAPPY! ✌? So now I’m more careful who I share our ups and downs with. It’s okay to say that our situation….or any other couples’ for that matter…would not be a good fit for you but it’s not okay to judge those folks for working it out! My friend thinks that too many people stay in bad relationships because of all the years they invested and did not want to lose. I beg to differ! The high divorce rate seems to tell me that many folks weren’t serious about marriage in the first place. The first storm came and they crumbled! This is not to say that some folks who are divorced shouldn’t be! I have a long list of friends that got divorced and are now happily married to a better spouse or even a better version of the same spouse they married years before! ?? It is these folks I seek when a small wind is blowing me and the Ex Factor away from each other. Once again, who said eternity was going to be easy? Forever is more of an action than it is a vow and check it…no one knows they can get to forever with their spouse until they actually make it! ?? Before I leave you, I want to give you one example of a celebrity couple that I could not help but have an opinion about…T.I. and Tiny! ???? The way he had her business out in the streets when they were separated was disgusting! Like I had to unfollow him! ✌?But never did I judge her for wanting to work her marriage out. It’s THEIR MARRIAGE! It would not be right for me but I support whatever they decide and I send them nothing but positive vibes and thoughts…because that’s how I want to be treated. ?? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Be careful who you share your story with! I am learning you are either riding with your man or you are riding against him but you can’t be in the middle! We all need positive vibes no matter what we decide. ? Pray specifically, act intentionally, and guard not just your heart but also your thoughts. You never know who is secretly not wishing you well. ??
Archives for October 2017
As the holidays are upon us…so is the start of divorce season for the celebrities! While us not famous folks should not base our lives and relationships on what celebrities do, it is mind boggling that some of them can’t even stay married for a year! I mean they have money and to be honest money solves about 75% of us common folks problems. Shoot…with no student loans I may consider having a family because I can now have it all without stressing over a debt that haunts most of us! ?? But I digress. As each celebrity couple announces their splits, I can’t help but wonder…if they can’t make it…can any of us? I don’t know what the divorce rate currently is but last I checked it was still pretty damn high (close to 50%). So if money cannot buy love…are we all on borrowed time with our romantic interests? Probably. You see money can’t stop abuse, infidelity, disrespect, and drug addiction. Cash does not rule those things. Anyone…celebrity or not…can be subjected to those harms that tear many of our families apart. ?? It’s hard for us normal folk to believe that a celebrity can be in a domestic violence relationship but it occurs more often than we think! ? Even if a woman has more access to resources than the average woman, it does not mean that she won’t be ashamed to be subjected to the abuse and it certainly won’t mean that she won’t stay in it too! ? But I digress again for this blog is not about domestic violence. FOREVER is a relative word. Most of us await the promise of forever but it’s highly likely very few will get to it. Depressing…I know! ? So what’s the upside? LIFE GOES ON! ?? I have a good amount of friends on their second marriages and most are very happy. Instead of focusing on the promises of forever…wouldn’t it be better to focus on getting through today successfully? This means that twenty years from now….none of us have a way of knowing if our love for our spouses will survive. Even some of the most favored couples have split. We all know a couple that seemed perfect for each other but did not make it. Love is a risk just like anything else that is good in life. No one knows what the sands of time brings. You only know that you are going to be together forever…when you actually get to forever. Even thirty years in, some couples split…finding that they had not been in love for a while and were just staying together for the sake of their now grown children. It’s heartbreaking and it’s rough on all involved but maybe if we took the pressure off of loving each other for eternity…we may just get through the next couple of decades! And check it…even if you and your spouse manage to stay in love forever…it still does not mean you will be together forever! Marriage (so I have heard) takes so much more than romantic love! And the struggle is just as real for those of us that are choosing life long partners that we may not marry. Everything in life has a season. Money cannot guarantee that a couple will last every season! ?? This is going to sound crazy but the thought that forever is a relative word and many may not make it to there actually brings me comfort. Why? Because finally I can work on silencing the folks who say I’m running out of time to achieve certain things in my personal life. I can just live. I can just breathe….being confident in the fact that my love for me, myself, and I is the thing that has the greatest chance of surviving into eternity. ? I can just be. In no rush. Enjoying what I have now. Not worrying about things that no one (but God) can promise for tomorrow. And to love on my own terms. ~KJM on FlashbackFriday.
Yesterday, I covered “The Marketing Of Ugly Husbands” where I stressed that while attraction isn’t everything…it is something. ?? Why are women being asked to settle for any man that can commit…even if they are not attracted to them?! Men aren’t aiming to have ugly wives. No way! No matter the age, most men are lusting off of the next hot young video vixen chick! But the message being sent to women in the dating world (through marketing), especially once we are in our thirties, is to marry that nice unattractive guy who has a face “only a mother could love” because he can give us the world! ? Once again, I’m going to stress that looks are not everything and attraction is made up of more than just looks. BUT I will say attraction to your mate does matter. It matters to men a lot so why shouldn’t it for women? At the heart of the ugly husband debate is the ancient misogynistic theory that women are only on this earth for male sexual pleasure and reproduction! ??? We aren’t to speak of orgasms…especially when we become mothers! Women are stripped from owning and manifesting into their sexuality…many times from birth! ? For example, there are some cultures around the world who perform female mutilations on babies and young girls!!!!? If you cannot wrap your head around that let me give you a First World example…some women in the generations above me (and some in my generation) still do not believe in the art of masturbation! It’s almost taboo to talk about…the ability to please yourself when your man is not around! ? Well y’all are surely missing out! I started when I was 14 and that kept me focused on school and kept me a virgin until I was almost 19. Not to mention the times masturbation kept me loyal in my relationships…especially my long distance ones. ?? My journey into masturbation felt normal to me….and it was freeing! ?? I am able to bring myself to realms of sexual pleasure in seconds compared to the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years it takes MOST men to learn our bodies! ?? I AM THE MASTER OF MY SEXUAL DESTINY! Now that’s some powerful shit right there and many men don’t like it…especially Republicans. They want to take away our birth control, our right to choose, and our ability to control our reproductive system while sales of viagra rise. ?✌?We are taught abstinence while they fuck and move where and when they feel. They promote rape culture and even in our pain…women are silenced! ? It’s fucking disgusting! ✌? I am not on this earth only to fulfill the desires of a man. This means I will not lay down with a man focusing only on his sexual pleasure. I will speak up about what feels good to me and what doesn’t! I will say that this is my body and NO you cannot have your way with it. I will moan and lay in my own sexual desires and I will climax with the strength of the sun rising and setting.? My body is daylight and daybreak all in one…for you cannot separate the woman in me from my sexuality! ?? Between my thighs is for me to enjoy FIRST. ?? A man shall get what’s leftover. What I allow him to have…for I am my own sexual peak! ?? So no I won’t just take any husband. I may prefer to take no husband at all! And that is my right as I am the giver of life and I say when it will happen or IF it will happen at all!!! You won’t shame me into years of bad sex, loveless marriages, and unwanted touches. I will immerse as a sexual being at any stage in life. You…society…will not strip me of that! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day. ? May the female orgasm be with you all and may it bring multiples! May your bodies shake from pleasure and may strength be found in that pleasure! ??
Well it’s Temptation Tuesday and you know how I like to get down on this day…time to be IGNORANT! ? A few weeks ago, I watched a YouTube video of a female matchmaker telling off her ex female clients. She said many of their standards were way too high and that’s why they were single. I’m with that! Love is not like a resume but it is good to have a list of what your needs and dealbreakers are when entering the dating world for the purpose of finding your forever mate. Often times, women will ask for traits…they themselves…do not possess. I’m definitely not with that. If you want a kind and thoughtful man then you better be a kind and thoughtful woman! ?? Where the matchmaker (and so many of the “how to get a man” articles) lost me was on selling the concept that a woman’s future husband does not need to be attractive!!! Now let me keep this all the way real (as someone who has dated ugly men with money when I was on the rebound)…not everybody can get a Denzel or an Idris ?? but you need to get someone you are gonna want to fuck…that is unless you were grown up in an arranged marriage culture and plan to follow in the family values. But even in those cultures, men are allowed to pick women that they feel are the most beautiful, young, and fertile! ?✌?Women, on the other hand, seem to get the shit end of the stick. Most arranged marriages at least make sure the husband can afford a wife but other than that…at least from the folks I know who had an arranged marriage…the women don’t seem to get a chance to voice what else they are looking for…especially when it comes to looks. But I digress! This blog is not about arranged marriages. It’s about those of us on the single market trying to find our forever person. The Ex Factor and Phoenix are two of my most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on! ????? They represent two different ends of my attractiveness spectrum. Phoenix has deep beautiful dark skin with pearly white teeth and a smile that could charm the panties off of any woman….while the Ex Factor had me at hello with his caramel skin, sexy super tall and fit build, and beautiful eyes! Those eyes! What I see in those eyes…I’ve seen in no one else’s! ? But once again I digress! While I believe that looks is not everything, I think it’s silly to dismiss it all together. Like how are you suppose to fuck him continuously if you are turned off by him?! Remember Mister Toss Salad? He was one of my ugliest men inside AND out that I have ever dated but he treated me like ten queens (at first)! To this day, even after closing my eyes tight to sleep with him, I still don’t know what his penis looks like! Once again…I did not like the tiny odd feel of it so I promised myself never to look IT (it…being his penis) in the eye! ? That’s how survived the few months we dated. I told myself that he treated me well (that is until his ugly insides started to show) and that I should just settle! And he had this fucking odd shaped big head too! ? His mama had to have had a C section! No way that thing was fitting through no natural vagina. Lol. Now I’m just getting straight ignorant with it! Lol. My point is how can one have a family with someone they aren’t attracted to? How will you keep yourself from cheating when the Denzel look alikes start popping up?! Now it’s one thing if you grew to find him attractive…power to you but I’ve learned that my relationship length with an ugly man with money (I pray nobody our there doing ugly and broke! Bills are real!) is about three months! ✌?✌?✌?I don’t have it down to a science but that’s been me. Now it could have been that I was still in love with someone else or the fact that my ugly men pretended to be nice but were really the devil walking that made these relationships not work out…but if I had to request that the room be extra dark and squeeze my eyes closed extra tight while having sex with an ugly man…no way we would have made it to forever!!! ?? Looks are not everything and you do need to be realistic about what you are looking for in that department (as it’s been my experience that there are more Young Thugs ? out there than Denzel’s?), but you do need to be somewhat attracted to the person! If not…how will the vagina get moist? How will you stay faithful? Lust is real…even for women! We like eye candy too! Maybe I am being a bit materialistic but I’ve dated men that weren’t my type in the looks department and regretted it! Perhaps it was because my ugly men were ugly on the inside too?! I don’t know…and I hope to not find out! Because while looks aren’t everything…they are something. You need to yearn for that man’s touch in the good times or how will you get through the bad? Ignoring whether you are attracted to someone or not (minus arranged cultures) may be a sign of settling. If you know that you are okay with settling on this level…then go right ahead. But if you are just lonely right now….you may want to hold out until you meet someone you are attracted to. Now attraction is made up of more than just looks but looks are a part of it. I don’t know about you but I am not trying to have children with an ugly man nor do I want to lay next to an ugly man ever again! The times I did kick it with one taught me so much. These were times I did not feel good about myself and felt rejected by who was my true love. I can only write from my experiences but getting played by anyone (especially an ugly man) is embarrassing! Lol. Some of you may have had some great luck with ugly men but I promise you if you did…you had to have found him attractive during some part of that journey to forever! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Forever is so damn difficult to get to already without settling because of someone else’s encouragement (referring to matchmakers here). Pick and choose how you go about this journey to love. We all settle on some level because no one gets everything they want but as long as your needs are being met and you only had to settle on some things from your extensive wants list…then you are probably off to a good start. Good luck out there! ? Editor’s note: I have slept with ugly men. This is a great time to shout out the birth control companies! ?? Where would I be without you? Lol.
Happy Monday! It’s been a while since we road through the land of Pimps and Hoes (Corporate America). While the state of your hearts matter so much to me…so does the state of your wallets! ?? Today I’m going to cover the top 5 Mistakes I’ve made in Corporate America in hopes it helps you all to maneuver similar obstacles better than I did! 5. Working Weekends When I Did Not Have To! This! ?? Ever since I have been working in this country (from my early teens), I have always worked almost every hour of every job that I could! Sigh…it’s the Jamaican in me. There were times this was required of me or times that I really needed the money so I easily dedicated my time to work. I’m not talking about those times. You got to do what you have to do to achieve your career and financial goals. However, 80% of the time I was giving up my weekends just because I am use to doing so. Giving up my ME time. Giving up my peace of mind. Freely adding more stress on my mind and body. Sacrificing moments of peace that I’m just learning to cherish. I’m not married with children! Thus, making my weekends about me should be easy. Yet there were times I felt guilty for not working enough! ? I have gained weight and had many sleepless nights because of this need to work 6/7 days a week in the last 8 years! ? Running yourself down for shits and giggles is not the business! Not to mention if you keel over and die at your desk, Corporate America will gladly remove your corpse…quickly…to replace you…without even saying a prayer over your body! ??? You heard that?! No matter how valuable you think you are to a company (that’s not your own business) YOU ARE REPLACEABLE!!! So make sure that you don’t unnecessarily marry your job! That pimp ain’t got no love for hoes! “Cash rules everything around it” (quoting Wu-Tang Clan here) and not your spirit and you livelihood! So please go and enjoy your weekends! They are sacred! The people you love are so much more important than any job! And you just cannot get those moments back! 4. Getting Too Close To Coworkers/Taking Work Drama Home With Me! If you get nothing else from today’s blog, this is one of two lessons you better take hold of: COWORKERS ARE NOT YOUR REAL FRIENDS UNTIL YOU NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER AND STILL KEEP IN TOUCH BY CHOICE!!!! ?????? I work extra long days around a computer. The need for human contact is sometimes so deep that I find myself consorting with spawns of the devil to get through the day!!! At work, we must do what we must do to survive. As coworkers, we are all usually in the shit hole together so of course we bond like prisoners who just got out of solitary confinement! ? To be honest though…probably 90% of the people I have worked with over the years are people I would not normally socialize with.✌? The other 10% have become great friends…even some that feel like family! But it’s the 90% I want you to focus on! Folks with common goals and could be up for the same promotions are essentially competitors…no matter how nice and sincere they are! Everyone needs their paycheck and are typically not working for fun because they have millions in the bank! Thus, learning your weaknesses in a competitive environment works in their favor. Try to be sociable on a…dare I say it…fake level! Don’t share with your coworkers more than you would share with a stranger on the street! Keep conversations on the surface avoiding your personal life, politics, religion, or even most recent GYN visits! ? I know it sounds silly to say this but even I get caught up in the madness. If you do find that you let your guard down at work and shared too much…immediately stop sharing! Pull yourself back into being sociable on the surface!!!! And if drama ensues…smile, keep your cool until it blows over, don’t entertain conversations about it, and by all means…leave that shit at work! ?? Life is way too short to pack negativity with you! I know this is sometimes easier said than done but if you want to advance sanely…TRY! 3. Your Boss Is Never Your Friend! Over the course of my work history, I have had more amazing bosses than shitty! As a matter of fact, I’m still friends with many of them…decades after I have moved on! I know! I know! I’m in the minority! ?? Some bosses are so nice and just great to work for. Many have taught me valuable life and work lessons! With that being said, as their employee, I always had to keep in mind that while working for my great bosses…they were not my friends! Let me giving you an example. In my early 20s, after graduating from college, I worked for a university. My first boss and I are still great friends! After a year or so I got promoted in the same department and got a new boss that I also loved! While I loved my job, I knew that my goal was to go to graduate school in a few years. After 2.5 years of working for this university, I found out that I got into graduate school and was headed to NC in five months. I needed a boss to do some of my recommendations and to sign off on my financial standing for my new apartment. While I loved my current boss, I knew if I told him…I may lose my job because he was still my boss and I was going to be leaving in our busy season! What to do? I turned to my previous boss whom I trusted and who still worked in the same department…and enlisted her help. My leaving did not directly affect her and she always encouraged me to aim high! So she did my recommendations! ?? No matter how much I liked and respected my current boss at the time, if he knew I was leaving so early in advance…he would have had to make decisions as my boss! Not my friend! Please keep business as business and never take your boss as your friend until you no longer work for them! Business is business and should never be personal! ?? 2. Thinking That What I Do For A Living And Who I Am As A Person Are One And The Same! I have accomplished so much in life but for most of the last 8 years I have been ashamed of being a consultant. My credentials say I should be more, doing more, and making more and yet I wake up feeling less than. ? I came out of graduate school at the height of the 2008/2009 recession and slowly fell into my field. Then I became trapped because I was building experience in a dead end area of my field. Ouch. For years, I did not tell people what I did for a living….I use to just say I put tiny buttons on shirts! ? But truth be told, hindsight is 20/20. I have friends who are doing what I wanted to be doing and I do not envy their lives! I love my freedom to pick and choose when I want to work. As a consultant, while I’m not my own boss, I have the freedom to say no to things and switch up who I work with. There’s no one to deny my vacations or tell me I can’t take time off for myself. Granted I don’t get paid when I don’t work but the freedom to decide my own financial fate is important to me without the stresses of having my own business! ?? I travel when I want to and quite frequently. And while there’s always a danger that my job won’t be there when I come back…there are always other companies to consult with! Life goes on. Plus my current career allows me to follow other passions (like blogging) without making me feel like I have to choose one over the other! Hopefully it stays that way! ?????? It took me forever to find the positives in my current line of work! And I do make a decent living! I treat myself very well because every dime I make goes into me taking care of myself like a queen! ?? Never let a job define who you are as a person…even if you love what you do…for everything has a season and all seasons will come to an end! ?? If you are Usain Bolt, it’s okay to miss being a runner but even he must embrace his next chapter as being more than a runner and seeing it filled with hope! Life must go on…beautifully! What defines us are our hearts, our loved ones, and the times we refill our own cups with joy and laughter! There is so much more to a person than what they do for a living. Focus on the blessings until you get to where you want to go and even when you get to that destination…remember it too is just a season! No shame in making an honest living that provides our needs. You are so much more than your career! It took me almost a decade to realize that! ?? 1. Thinking Your Current Work Place Is Your Company! This is the other lesson you must tattoo in your brain! I have said this time and time again! Please do not invest all of your blood, sweat, and tears into a company you did not build! See number 5! No matter how irreplaceable you think you are to a company, you are still very replaceable because it’s not YOUR company!!! And in some rare instances, even a company you built may put your ass “out to pasture” when the new board of directors have a need for fresh blood! ? Most of the time though if it’s your own business…it will be your own legacy! That means even if you spent 20 years with the same company…they are probably not as invested in you and you are in them. One of the good things about being a consultant is I never feel like any company is my company because I work with so many! Though slaving away on weekends that I did not have to sends the message that I’m investing my time in a job that’s not going to be mine forever! “Silly rabbits! Tricks are for kids!” Your boss owes you nothing. Your company owes you nothing. Your coworkers owe you nothing. You are the only one who owes yourself something! Like the dignity to “know when to hold them and know when to fold them” during your stay in Corporate America! Pimps are only loyal to themselves! Once your ankles start getting ashy, you ain’t the new hoe anymore, and you can’t spend as much time tricking on the beat…that pimp is going to be looking for new hoes! ?? ~KJM on Charm School Monday!
I found out that you can love and lose. You can lose your way. You can lose sight of what made you love in the first place. You could hate. I found that out. There is in fact a thin line between love and hate. Paper thin. I found out that you can have self doubt. You can break down. You can lose hope. I found out…that it was never meant to be easy. Your skin will crawl. Your spirit will break but hold on because I found out that if it’s worth it…there is something on the other side! There are smiles after the tears. Moments of rebirth. Acts of faith just when you thought you had given up. A light at the end of the tunnel. I found out. It exists there…in the depths of my heart…the ability to try again. Exhausted. Tired. Emotions to emotionless. Self care. Rebuilding who you are as a person. I found out that the moment I stopped trying to control him and work on me…there was hope. The most amazing thing that I found out…was…that what I thought was impossible…is actually POSSIBLE! ?? You can fall out of love and fight your way back!!! I found out that pain will lie there but so will healing. I also learned that I was built to endure this storm. So many times on this journey…I asked the Lord why me? I was not meant to go through all of these ups and downs. I was meant to smile every day! But you know what I found out? The hardest battles are given to the most committed warriors. If you must…grab strength from wherever you can and choose wisely…what energy you breathe in. I found out…the road was easy for no one. And while my heartaches seemed unique to only me…others had survived the storm and lived to tell of the joys of the other side. ?? They were not storytellers…like I thought…no they weren’t. Instead I found out that they were legends. People here on earth to remind us that while it’s not an easy choice…it is a doable choice. The choice to choose love over and over! Self love first. Then the ability to share that with others. I found that all out in 2017. That each painful moment over the last 7 years has lead me to this epiphany! I found out that my heart is stronger than my mind. I found out…just in time to do something about it all. I found out that I am the master of my own destiny and the ruler of my own heart. I found out that nothing is impossible if I breathe in life…our lives…taking each moment for what it is. Not holding us hostage to the past and not enslaving us to the future. I found that all out. And while the journey continues…I could not be more grateful that I found this all out…when hindsight was not 20/20 but at a time when we still had each other. I found out. I found that all out. And I cannot help but feel forever changed. ? ~KJM on Flashback Friday.
Terribly sorry that this is my first blog for the week! I have been having trouble sleeping mixed with long work days. Thus, I could not have wrote a sentence in the last two days even if I wanted to! Now that I am a bit rested…let’s get into today’s discussion! UNHAPPY PEOPLE! Yesterday, BET was to air Gucci and Keyshia’s (I like to call her my cousin since she’s from my island) wedding! Love love love them! As BET advertised and posted Facebook statuses, I could see the hundreds of negative comments coming from some really bitter people. Folks asking where their kids are…like celebrities need to let us into their children’s lives?! Check yourself! Folks (mainly women) stating that they won’t make it because too many people are in their relationship! Um…did any of you just leave either of their beds?! I think not! So stop the madness. The negative comments went on and on. From people saying their relationship isn’t real to others claiming these two people have messy lives! ? I love what I know about them! Keyshia held Gucci down when he was in jail while building her empire! I personally don’t really care what their real story is because they look happy and Gucci ain’t never look better! ? I am happy for them so why are these bitter women hating on folks they don’t even know? This question brought me to what I like to call THE UNHAPPINESS POT! This is the place where people we know AND don’t know…live when they take time of out of their day to spread negativity! I don’t care if you are dating or married…if you have a spouse…your shit ain’t perfect. Criticizing another couple that you know (more like think you know) or don’t know is a sign that your life is all the way messed up! If Gucci and Keyshia got 80 children…it’s none of your business because guess what?! They taking care of theirs! ?? How they run their relationship is up to them! They don’t owe us shit! Just like we don’t owe our friends, families, and associates shit. Everybody got something to say (when nobody asked them) because they are too lazy to do the work in their own relationships! It’s so easy to think you know the recipe for happiness in other people’s lives while leaving your own lawns unattended to! ?? Read that one again! Have you been watering your own lawn so that your grass can be green? I’m guessing these negative Nancy’s on social media don’t have a man or a woman…or if they do…they are in a very toxic situation. Hence them seeping out negativity! How dare anyone doom anyone’s marriage! Grown folks can do what grown folks want to…and from where I’m standing…Gucci and Keyshia ain’t harming nobody, are happy, and ain’t asking y’all for shit!!! So while we are visiting the Unhappiness Pot…take stock of who is in your circle! Some folks subscribe to the Unhappiness Pot…even if they care about you. My number one rule about advice is only give it WHEN ASKED! If nobody asked you, short of physical/sexual abuse occurring, mind your own! Too many of us are wondering about how our neighbors are living but ain’t never considered if we are going to hell too?! If you get nothing else from today’s blog…remember that you are in charge of your own life. You cannot listen to what others say…all the time. When getting unsolicited advice, think of who the messenger is. Do you want to be living how they are? If not, IGNORE THE HATING! Even if you admire their life…take into consideration that no one truly knows what goes on inside another’s life unless they are living it! ?? For all the negative Nancy’s out there, if you focused on your lives more than others…you too may find some happiness! Congrats to Keyshia and Gucci! May the blessings always be abundant! ? ~KJM on Hump Day!
Happy Hump Day! Today I’m going to cover two articles I came across. I read one on xoNecole (about a woman who saved her virginity for her husband only to end up with bad sex) and one in Essence (about a woman who has not had sex with her husband in 3.5 years!). Now let me start off by saying two things: (1) I do not give married people advice so I can only approach these two topics as a single woman dating and (2) SEX IS AN IMPORTANT FORM OF COMMUNICATION!!!! The latter gets so downplayed…especially when people are deeply religious! I’m more spiritual than religious so I have no issue with going there! Recently, my own sex life was slipping but I did not let it go down in flames! I had a talk with the Ex Factor that put us on an orgasmic upward swing. ? If you have been dating for years, you can find yourselves in a rut just like any married couple. Sometimes it’s because you guys are taking each other for granted and/or the world just swallows you up, whether you have children or not. That’s one of the myths I want to debunk! Children are not the only thing that can kill your sex life! So many things come into play as grown adults try to make it in the world! Still got to make time to touch each other in loving ways though! That takes me to Bad Sex Chronicles number 1: the virgin. Now I’m not going to tell you to wait for marriage or not. I did not and I have no regrets about that. I was two years old when my parents got married so they surely didn’t stress that I had to wait for marriage….they just had three rules: (1) Sex safely and responsibly on my own terms, (2) don’t be giving it away to everybody, and (3) always know who your baby daddy is! My folks are not about that Maury life! ? The rules were the same for the boys and the girls in my house. The Michaels were not trying to be young grandparents and so far they aren’t! ?? So that debunks another myth that if parents speak to their kids about sex then kids are going to be out there doing it. Nope! I lost my virginity when I was almost 19 years old and already away at college but I digress. If you saved yourself for someone and the sex is unsatisfying…you must talk about it! Now many people asked how did this young lady know that her husband’s sex was bad sex when she had never had it before… um you don’t have to have had it before to know your body doesn’t like that type of sex! Julio and I lost our virginities to each other and while I loved the fact that we were comfortable enough to explore with each other….I almost immediately wondered what it was like to sleep with other guys! ? So I knew (from having no previous experience as I did not even let him and his penis play in my vaginal area the years before we had sex) that there was more to sex. My body just knew….so this lady can know too that her husband sucks in bed! Most of the time, bad sex is a sign of having bad communication in other parts of the relationship. Both communication inside and outside of the bedroom can affect your sex life! ? This is so important to remember! If you and your partner are out of sync outside the bedroom…you can best believe your sex life will be awkward at best and not pleasurable at worst! ?? This is why it’s so important to sit down and talk with your spouse. I recommend at least a yearly sex chat if you are in a long term relationship. Preferences change, health issues can develop, and the need for exploration is usually there for one or both parties. Don’t get so familiar that you assume you know what your partner likes! Just because she liked that little thing you use to do ten years ago…doesn’t mean she likes it now…so check in! Be open. Be honest. And give yourselves homework on what you can work on to increase your partner’s pleasurability! ?? Don’t just focus on what you are missing! It takes two to tango so you better figure out how you can step up your game too! That’s what it takes to be a good sex partner! ?? Now what if you discuss what you need in the bedroom and your partner won’t try it or does not improve? ? As a dating person, you really don’t have to take that! So many dicks in the pond that you can just go find one! However, if you are in love (because other things do matter in a relationship besides sex), I suggest seeking out a sex therapist! Life is too short to settle for bad sex! Next up on the Bad Sex Chronicles…the lady that has not had sex with her husband in 3.5 years! Now if he’s not gay or cheating…he may have some medical issue he is not discussing with you. If he still won’t talk about it with you…get thee to that sex therapist! I don’t know how one can survive 3.5 years not being touched by the person they love the most…I was only getting it once a month and I almost burnt down the Ex Factor’s house! ? Just kidding! But in a dating relationship, no sex for 3.5 years and y’all been together for 6 is just unacceptable! When the Ex Factor is not touching me and reenforcing his sweet words with sweet touches…I feel insecure. I want only his touch so if we went that long without doing it…I imagine we would be fighting everyday! Like I said before, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is important! Never forget that. Whether you are having sex or not…it’s going to be an issue that comes up. Once again, be honest and open! I’m not gonna lie…3.5 years of boo not touching me would most likely lead to me cheating! ?? Plus if he isn’t having some psychological or medical issue…he may have already been cheating too! Over three years is just way too much time to not feel connected and there just has to be a breakdown in communication in other areas that is now visiting you guys in the bedroom! Talk about it before things get out of control! In dating, if you find out that you two are not sexually compatible, you may just have to move on cause if the sex sucks now…it won’t get better in marriage! ?? Now the rules get even more interesting when you just started dating! I give bad sex two to three times a try before I decide that that dick ain’t worth saving! But watch out…I gave Elijah three chances and ended up with a rip in my asshole and the rabbit (a sex toy) shoved into my vagina! ??? I should have heeded the warning signs that it wasn’t going to be great sex but to be honest nothing could have prepared me for the crazy shit Elijah pulled! ??? But if you remember correctly, I dated him for 6 months more but I never let his ass touch my pussy nor my asshole again! The nerve!!! ??? We just went on sexless dates! Plus it took my asshole like three months to heal! ?? But back to your possible bad sex experiences! If after two to three times the sex is still bad….I’m done because like this guy ain’t nobody I truly care for! ✌? Now with the Ex Factor things were different. We started off having mind blowing sex for years and only found ourselves in a rut these last two years. If a man you love use to sex you right, work with him! You already know his potential in and out of the bedroom! Communicate! And for the record…the Ex Factor is one of only two men (Crazy from college being the other) that I’ve slept with where I never thought about another guy while having sex with them! Even with Phoenix, I use to pretend I was sexing the Ex Factor! But what makes the Ex Factor the game changer is he is the ONLY MAN that I love AND lust for!!! ? It’s the first time that my heart and my pussy are connected! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day! Happy Humping! ?☺️
Well it’s Temptation Tuesday and this one is going to be a shit show! Yesterday I read a very long, informative, and depressing article on Oprah.com titled “The New Midlife Crisis…Why (and How) It’s Hitting Gen X Women” by Ada Calhoun. Please do not read this article without having an entire bottle of wine at hand! It was so truthful and yet so fucking depressing! Many of my friends did not even make it to the end of the article! Of course, I…without wine nor a Xanax, boldly read every last word! The premise is that Gen X women (myself included) are the forgotten middle children! We are more educated than our mothers, more exhausted (whether we have children or not), are more likely to end up alone because our parents are more likely to be divorced than any other group so we don’t have a blueprint to keep our relationships together and thus, we are fucking jaded (? tell me something I didn’t know), there are less of us than the generations above us and below us…thus we have a greater chance of being older parents while caring for our own aging parents, we start to get “perry” or premenopausal symptoms almost a decade earlier than our mothers, and we feel defeated because we worked our asses off but because of two recessions, we most likely have had long periods of unemployment, are still living paycheck to paycheck, and only to find out more recessions are most likely on their way as we start to age out of the youthful employee category! So to sum up my sum of Ada’s article…we Gen X women are fucked!!! It’s not like I didn’t feel what Ada was saying way before I read this article (I think my Crisis started at age 29…when unemployment ravaged my soul and my self esteem) but to see it all in bold print…I wanted to throw the fuck up! I did everything “right.” Did not become a teenage mom, didn’t choose marriage over myself, closed shop on my womb, have multiple degrees, and dove into a career that has not been rewarding…to my pockets nor my soul. I’m a consultant so I really don’t have a retirement plan. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Only good news in Ada’s article is that it didn’t matter whether I chose a husband or not…most of us Gen X women are gonna die alone anyways! ?? We out live men and most may leave us before they drop dead! ?Ain’t that a bitch…that that’s the only silver lining I saw in the article! And why isn’t the female Midlife Crisis not spoken about more?! Because society focuses on the men’s! ??According to Ada, women tend to start going through their midlife crisis way before men so by the time men start with their antics…we have adjusted! And guess what that gets some of us? Our older mates now want younger women and the life we created with them ain’t enough! ? Jesus be a fence! Like why do we Gen X women even try?! It didn’t matter whether I got pregnant at 15 or 50…I was going to be fucked anyways! Struggling. Exhausted. Feeling like a failure even though we are stronger than our mothers! Built to survive alone. That’s good since that’s one of our fates! I’m literally on my morning commute craving wine. But I’m just gonna save my coins and pull over and get that cheap wine…like the Boone’s Farm! Ain’t drank that shit since college but no time to spend more money on expensive wine….when Ada says I’m gonna need every dime for my retirement either on Pookie’s island or a homeless shelter…no in between baby! Yea this is the life of the brilliant Gen X woman! Did I mention that we have also lived through 9/11 and other terror attacks around the world?! No wonder believing in fairytales and a good life are so hard! We are too busy dodging bullets off our asses while protecting our loved ones, grabbing a few degrees, bringing home the bacon, and lecturing our husbands mistresses turned girlfriends on how not to mistreat our children when they are in their care! Wtf?! I’m exhausted from being exhausted. Not to mention, if you are a black Gen X woman, you have a host of other problems that other Gen X women do not. White Gen X women do not have to worry every time their man or son leaves the house that he may not be returning unless their men are military, firefighters, or cops! So…we have racism on our backs and innocent black men that we love being gunned down while their law enforcement murderers go free in an unjust system! We are more likely to be single moms too! I could go on and on with the plight of the black Gen X woman but I’m fucking depressing myself! So we are fucked. Got it! What next?! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Here’s the link to Ada’s article…http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html?FB=fb_omag_new_midlife_crisis_feature Please heed my warning and get the cheap yack out before reading one word. Trying to save y’all the funk I’ve been in ever since I read it! Fuck….
In the midst of the storm…I asked myself…what if I only had 5 days? Five days left on this earth. Would I skip the pain of knowing you to also spare myself the joy of loving you? Would I waste my time playing it safe or would I risk my life to spend every last moment with you? So I asked myself again…what if I only had five days left? FIVE DAYS LEFT…would I waste it feeling angry and insecure about the things I felt God had jilted me from. Would I walk around feeling forgotten? Or would I drop on my knees and thank the Lord that He granted us these five days? Would I walk in the rain alone crying about us not being like other couples around me? Or would I let you hold my hands as we got drenched in our very own unique love? Would I kiss your lips and be grateful that I had this moment? Or would I stand there…alone…bitter…angry…choosing not to forgive you, myself, and God? What if I only had five days left? Seeing you…breathing you…tasting you…would be all I would want to do. I would want to lay in silence…wrapped in your arms…as I listened to our hearts beat in sync. What if I only had 5 days left? Would I allow fear to paralyze me? Would I allow the naysayers to rule our minds? Would I stay away from my one true love? Would I walk the earth lonely and lost in time…not because I was without a man…but because I was WITHOUT YOU? And I asked myself again, what if I only had five days left? Would all the breakups and makeups matter anymore? Would I fall asleep at night feeling like I failed myself or would I awaken with glee each of those five mornings…thankful that you were with me. Thankful that the Good Lord chose me to love you endlessly in the midst of war, hurricanes, tornadoes, and earthquakes. What if I only had five days left? What would each day feel like without you? That’s when it dawned on me that no sun would rise nor set for me…without you being in my life. Even the most dreadful days when pride had consumed us were better days than when I did not even know you…to speak your name…to call out for you…to pray for you. If I only had five days left…just your smile alone would make each day magical. The intensity of my heart skipping a beat…not just because you are beautiful but because over the course of the last 7 years, my heart only responds to the beating of your heart. We…are…in…sync. And those last five days, I would know that every day was worth being with you. Because…you see…some people can walk their entire lives and not have the love we shared in those final hours. Ups, downs, madness, and insecurities were all worth it…for those moments taught us how to appreciate these five God given days. And there I laid in your arms…praying that even on the other side of eternity…He will grant us five more days…. ~KJM on Charm School Monday…remembering the turning point I was at a few weeks ago with the Ex Factor. If you only had five days, would it all be worth it?