“But when will you get married? When will you have children?!” The first time someone ever said those words to me was in October 2010 and I remember who said it to me. I was 29 years old and had been dating the then 20 year old Ex Factor for four months. We had survived our first argument and decided to stay together. He was in upstate New York for the Halloween weekend and I was in Pittsburgh celebrating my best friend, Zack’s marriage to the love of his life. While fears of losing Zack to marriage filled my mind, my college friend hit me with these questions. And they stung like hell. Like I can tell you exactly where we were standing. And it’s like all the air left my body. She did not know me well enough to know that before the Ex Factor, I never wanted to get married and have children. Even now…I can see us together for 25 years (maybe still not married)…with three children…and living our lives like 1960s hippies minus the weed smoking and the free love. ? Relaxed. Less structured. And fucking unconventionally happy. Because…like that’s the only way I can do this forever thing. Ease into it. Being myself. With the love of my life. That’s the only way I can do it. Yet those words stung. I know my friend meant well…but she did hurt my feelings. It is always on the tip of my tongue to tell her that 7 years later…the Ex Factor and I are still fighting for each other. ? But I just want to live my best life without proving anything to anyone. If this blog highlights anything…I hope it is the message that my imperfections are my strengths and my crazy lifestyle is made just for me. Complaints and all…I envy no ones life. For no one is me. Nor can be me. Matter of fact…the only other real Alpha Females I know are Harmony and Lioness. Nicole is also a leader but she’s the only wife out of all of us…so she knows how to balance those Alpha Female traits by softening them a bit. The rest of us struggle with not being so dominant but I think I’m the closest to crossing over out of Lioness, Harmony, and I. The Ex Factor is my game changer. He challenges me to madness. But this isn’t really about him. Those words my friend spoke hurt like hell and it is as if the universe heard her and continued to echo those thoughts. “When will you have children?” “You need to have at least one or you will regret it!” “He will always want someone younger and where will you be then?” “Have a baby now!” “Well you still have 14 years because Janet Jackson had one at 50!” As if I got her money or want my sealed up womb to be invaded near my retirement age. ? And the questions and comments just kept coming. Why can’t women be kind to other women? Why must we make everything about our fertility? Society already limits us once we get to a certain age but why are we endorsing that we limit ourselves?! And then there’s the guilt I feel when I hear some of my friends’ fertility issues. I feel guilty for never trying to nor being open to getting pregnant and I have no idea what my fertility odds are. Nor do I have a need to find out. The Ex Factor and I recently spoke about the topic. Neither one of us are ready for children. He’s got time and I don’t…the universe whispers. And I stop dead in my tracks. I feel guilty because I can’t identify with wanting a baby. It’s a conversation I get lost in. I pray for all of my friends and associates that are struggling to conceive…most of which are younger than me. I feel guilty but when I lay down at night and I ask myself what are my deepest desires…a baby is not one. Yes…I feel guilty. I love all my nieces and nephews yet never want to trade places with my sisters and brothers. Motherhood is rough…especially if you have to do it by yourself. I know it’s filled with doubts, depression, and heartaches. I also know there’s another side filled with joy. But so many speak of this joy openly while hiding the pains to please society. It is great that having a baby is the best thing that happened to you but don’t assume it will be the best thing to ever happen to me. I highly doubt it! I have a few friends that never wanted children but accidentally had one. They are excellent mothers but I can tell you that motherhood is not their life’s joy and there’s nothing wrong with that! Each woman is unique and has unique desires, wants, and needs. What makes one of us happy may make another clinically or situationally depressed! We have to learn to be kinder to one another and to support each other on our differences! Then another thought pops into my mind as the universe whispers again. ‘And what if they were all right and we get ready to conceive and I can’t?’ And I answer… then let God handle it. ?? I pray the Ex Factor wouldn’t leave me because of that and that we would still walk in love together. Plus…sometimes it’s the man’s sperm that’s causing the fertility issue. It’s not always us. But we wear the scars as our bodies naturally abort our babies. ? And what if they were all right? What if I regret waiting so long? Is it not my and only my regret to have? I can live with that. ~KJM getting deep on Flashback Friday. Today’s blog was inspired by the actress, Gabrielle Union, recently coming out and admitting she has had 8 or 9 miscarriages. She never wanted children and now she does. Let’s lift our sister up in prayer and not judge her for not having the initial desire. She is her own woman and it is already written what God has in store for her. Peace, love, and blessings to you Gabrielle ?
Archives for October 2017
I had been upset for days but hid those feelings. And here it was 2:30 in the morning and he was trying to comfort me. The Ex Factor did not know the insecurities that laid within me yet they had surfaced all at once and were over flowing everywhere. He tried to calm me from afar…but the tears just kept coming. Finally, I felt his words and I stopped crying. In that moment, I could see how much we had grown. I stopped crying and then he did the unthinkable. It’s like he knew at that moment that I needed him more than even I knew. I needed him…to hold me…to be there for me. He did not start the storm within me but he was the one strong enough to calm it. I assured him that I was okay but he knew I wasn’t. It’s like we were in sync. And that’s when my baby said he was on his way. It was 2:30 in the morning and we lived far from each other yet my baby was on his way. The Ex Factor was coming for me. ?? And I just laid there speechless. ? When he arrived, he looked so handsome. I could see, in one glance, everything that made me fall so deeply in love with him…in Summer 2010. All the arguments and fights from this past year made this moment so much more intense. It’s like the storm had passed and it had brought us closer together. I was so close to giving up but something happened on my last vacation to Vegas. I realized that even a day fighting with him was better than a day without him. I loved him to madness. And he knew it.? There my baby was…quiet yet strong. Strong enough to show up for me. ?He pulled me into him and he held me so tight. It all felt so right. I had grown to learn how to be vulnerable and he had grown to support me in those moments. And so he held me tighter. Soft kisses to remind me that he was here…in the flesh…just for me. He pulled me closer to him and I was open. It wasn’t my prettiest moment. Hair was a mess. Eyes were puffy. And I was in a green house dress. Yet I felt beautiful. I felt wanted. I FELT LOVED. And so he pulled me closer. Our kisses got more intense. It was now 3:30 in the morning. A time that lovemaking could be felt around the world…as many slept or some settled for the touches of total strangers…3:30am was really a time for true lovers. I did not know it then but it would be clear soon….that this was the start of our very own solar eclipse.?? The Ex Factor entered my moistness and I moaned…not just from the pleasure of his touch but from his reassuring words. My lover was making love to me with an intensity I had not seen in him…in so long. I did not question it. I reveled in it. His masculine touch gently securing my womanly desires. It was more than what I had asked the universe for. I was breathing him and he was breathing me. My lover and I were making love. I trembled. I shivered…as if a cold wind had swept through the bedroom. The force became more intense and I could hear the head board bashing against the wall. My lover was making love to me. When I could not take it anymore…for my body was on fire…we switched positions. I had the strength and the dominance to answer his desires. I faced my one true love…trembling yet firm with my strokes. I wanted to ride him into ecstasy for we were in the midst of our very own solar eclipse. I dug my nails into his thighs and commanded that he follow my lead. The Ex Factor whispered those nasty little words that I loved to hear and that’s when I realized that this morning’s ride would be like none other. I focused only on his pleasure. Tasting him. Touching him. Fucking him as he stroked me. Our bodies were in sync…which is such a rare thing for lovers. You see the universe must time every kiss, every caress, and every flow of a couple’s rhythm when it allows them to be in sync. No awkward movements exist here for each lover is calling the other. One cannot exist without the other. One cannot taste unless the other is sucking. Even breathing is in sync. We breathed. We moaned. I dug my nails deeper into him as my legs tightened around him. We were in sync. And just as I thought of only his pleasure. Wanting to bring him to his ultimate pleasure. The Ex Factor pulled me deeper into him. And my body began to erupt. At first I was scared. You see I had forgotten. Forgotten what it felt like. So I was scared because it was familiar yet new. But his touch was so reassuring that I allowed myself to be open to this eruption. Legs shaking feverishly. Body overheated. Nails dug so deep into him…I’m sure I broke flesh. It was our very own Solar Eclipse and we were still in sync! Climaxing together. Exhausted from the maximum amount of pleasure that our bodies would allow…we breathed each other. Breath for breath…our heartbeats were now also in sync. This, my dear friends, was the Climax felt around the world…for I had never had one with a man I loved. ~KJM on Hump Day? My heart is connected to his and my moist island is just for him.
I debated over and over if I would write about this incident and finally decided there are some good life lessons in it so I’m going to go there. Let me start off by saying that for the most part, I have always been cool with my exes. Things did not work out and it’s usually for a good reason. I wish them well and I always want them to be happy. The Ex Factor is the only man that I feel if we were to ever split…it would be so hard for me to be his friend but since we are still hot and heavy…I won’t even dwell on that point. ? Now to today’s lesson! Why oh why every time I take somebody off of my well thought out blocked list (minus the Ex Factor) I end up regretting it! ? Took that leprechaun, Julio, off my blocked list to check on him once the hurricanes started rolling through. If you recall, he had been blocked for a year and a half after wishing my relationship with Elijah (without ever knowing a thing about him) death and destruction! ? Now let me be clear, I do not make it a habit of discussing my present relationships with an ex unless he asks! Julio, on the other hand, finds me in whatever state I’m currently living in…to announce his engagements and his pre baby mamas that some how do not seem to ever pan out. I have honestly and openly wished him well because I haven’t been checking for him (on a serious tip) in over a decade. Matter of fact, almost 8 years ago, I told Julio I was no longer attracted to him so he couldn’t even be my fuck buddy. He ain’t seen my kitty kat nor my face since. ???✌?As he was off living with chicks and planning families, I was and am still deeply in love with the Ex Factor. For better or for worse, my heart rides for the Ex Factor and only the Ex Factor! ? Now to this bs. If I had to name my most infamous and unlikeable ex…it would be Julio! My high school and college friends would burn something if they ever found out I was communicating with him! He is the most toxic, hating, and unhappy SOB out of all of my exes! If I ever said a kind word about him it’s because I’m over him so sometimes I under play what he put me through! But to give you an example of Julio’s style….every time I aimed to get a new degree…he would dump me. Matter of fact, our last real break up was at the end of my first year of graduate school. He said it was a family with him or school! Now you know what I chose! My degrees are forever! No regrets because God had a greater plan and love for me! ?? And this was an easy choice for me. I never looked back. Anytime I heard from Julio again it would be when he got his heart broken by some woman. He always thinks I’m his fall back and will always want him but um no. If you saw what the Ex Factor looked like and what Julio looked like…you would get it. The Ex Factor is beautiful inside and out! Positive and caring when he isn’t driving me crazy of course! That’s why he is the ONLY man I would have children with! If we did not work out, I could love again but my womb is only for him. That is how deep my love for him is. But back to this ass Julio. When I unblocked him, he issued apologies, I love you’s, and claimed to be a new man. Of course I’m well aware of the saying that “a leopard never changes its spots.” First conversation was short and okay. Then came last Thursday! When he hit me up, I knew he had something on his mind. My biggest mistake was engaging in this conversation. ? Julio told me that his grandmother had been urging him to have grandchildren so that he would have someone to take care of him in his old age. Wtf nana? That’s a terrible reason to have children! But okay. Now wait for it…Julio then tells me that he’s been on sites looking for women to have children with but don’t want a relationship with them. ???He just wants someone to co-parent with! ? Does this sound like a sane man?! And are there really such sites?! Lawd a mercy! Julio grew up in single parent household so I’m not surprised that he underestimates the value of a two parent household. No matter what…I grew up with two parents under one roof trying to make life and I would aim for nothing less! Now life can turn you into a single parent and if so be it…many people are successful at it BUT to choose that life purposely…well let’s just say no way I would want to do that! ✌?As the conversation progressed, I patiently waited to see where Julio was going with this mess! He finally asked me what my views on children are. I told him they have not changed since we met when I was 15 years old…I do not want children. But there is one exception, if they Ex Factor wanted children, I would aim to give him up to 3 if we were to be so blessed! ? I love children…I really do but I’m not one of those women that must have children. I’ve always felt that way. It’s only a person that could make me consider it. The Ex Factor is the one and only man to make me even think of children. There is just something about him that makes me feel like I could face all my fears and excel at being a wife and mother. He’s a team player and I truly believe he would have my back as we built our family. ? We are both slow on commitment but take it very seriously! Julio, on the other hand, is no one I would ever want to have children with for he does not possess one single trait that I would want my kids to have. Now hear me out…I’m not just saying this because he’s on my shit list. You can ask anyone who grew up with me. Anytime children came up…it was Julio pressuring me. I never had a need. Never dreamt of my children with him like I do with the Ex Factor. I could tell that my response irritated Julio but he watched his words for fear of being blocked again. What he did, on the other hand, was try to politely plant doubts about my situation with the Ex Factor. He was asking why we don’t live together, how old the Ex Factor is, and even what kind of television we watch. Wtf?! I never asked not one question about none of those bitches he dated. Nan questions! Because like…I don’t care! Haven’t cared in 10 years! ?? That is something Julio struggles with. I DO NOT WANT HIM! Matter of fact I’m like all his other ex bitches…we all not fucking with him! Bitches done cheated on him and married the jump off and had children…and Julio still bitter. ?? Like so many years have passed! Forgive her and move on! ?? But there was something I was curious about. The one question I have been asking for years was how the hell did he leave his mama’s breast milk in NYC and end up in the South West? He finally answered. Julio and the last chick he was living with for years decided to move to Dallas. He moved first and she was to follow shortly after. Julio waited 2 years and the bitch never showed up! ??? Turns out she was dating other guys back in the tri state area and never wanted to be Julio’s wife! Now how the fuck did he miss that one? Minding my business I’m sure instead of paying attention to his. I mean he was laid up in the bed with her for years and did not know she did not want him on a forever tip?! Where do they do that at?! And who the fuck waits 2 years for someone? After 6 months in Dallas and she never moved not a box…it should have been clear that relationship was over! ?? When I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor, I never announced it to Julio. I just stopped picking up his calls. It wasn’t until years later did he find out who I was dating! While he calls me up to brag to me that he’s so happy all the damn time!✌?✌?✌? Is looking for baby mamas online a sign of happiness?! I must have missed the memo! Bish…please! God just don’t like ugly! I get why Julio was coming for me in our conversation. He’s bitter and currently lives in a state where bitches need green cards more than dick and he still can’t keep a woman! ? Now I would have never even thought of going there if he weren’t coming for me and mine! To top it off (I don’t know if he does this to the other exes), he swears he knows what’s best for me! Really Julio?! When you never treated me right…not one day in your adult life?! The way he speaks to me is still so fucking condescending! And he acts like my family likes him and they don’t! Only my aunt that practices voodoo is checking for him and that ain’t even saying much because I don’t fuck with her! ✌? However, she is the reason why I know what happened to Julio immediately after he dumped me in May 2007. Julio and my aunt ended up working for the same company. After our final break up, he moved in with some older lady that he met at work. Now this part Julio told me with his own mouth! He and the older lady (not sure how much older) tried to have children. They got pregnant three times and she lost each baby…with the last one being stillborn! ? And what did Julio do? He left her because she couldn’t have children!? That was probably the only bitch that truly loved him! I get leaving someone because you want children and they don’t…but not leaving a woman you claim you love to go find a cash cow that can produce! ✌? And year’s later….the mfer still don’t have children!!!! Sometimes by the woman’s choice because one of the ex fiancée’s had an abortion for him. He wanted the twins and she didn’t! Once again, Julio told me this himself! Julio, maybe if you were a kind and loving person, you would meet a good woman. If the bitterness you throw at me is what you threw at all your women…well it’s no wonder you are alone and desperate! This all sounds so mean but honey it’s the truth! You over there worried about me and the Ex Factor when you should be focusing on getting right in your life. You are the common denominator in all those failed relationships! You stink of sadness and bitterness! It’s crazy how society focuses on bitter women but never check the bitter men! They need to work on their shit too! I have tried to be a good friend to this person but he is just determined to bring me to his level of bitter bitchness and I’m not having it! Julio is now on the permanent blocked list. Ladies, if you blocked an ex after giving it a lot of thought…he needs to stay blocked! Some people are always going to be full of negativity! Julio been an asshole for almost the last 21 years and shit just ain’t gonna change. I’m tired of rooting for and supporting people who don’t support me! And you know what…I love the Ex Factor even more now. For all the crap I have said about him…no matter what…he has my back. Even the times we were broken up…he would speak life into my life. We both still have so much growing to do but I’m so blessed to call him my babe…through the ups and downs. Riding for you and only you boo! ~KJM giving a Charm School lesson on a Temptation Tuesday! ? Remember that love in itself is a risk. No one knows if they will actually get to forever with their mate…until they actually do. Love openly and honestly. Most importantly, get through those hurdles together…when your backs are up against the wall. The Ex Factor has taught me so much. Like how so much good can be on the other side of the bad…if you both put in the work!??