It’s been 3 years since I’ve written anything and here I am…naked and carrying a box of darkness. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and hurt. Some of you are going to be so disappointed in me. I’m currently typing a load of garbage. My first written piece in 3 years and I’m still carrying the heavy fucking junk that I have been carrying for years…16 to be exact.
Have you ever held on to something so long thinking it was priceless only to finally open the box and find a load of crap?! Yea that’s what my love life has been like for the last 16 years. I’m stuck yet I’m in love or so I told myself.
Gut punch after gut punch and I just get up again to be punched. I’m so embarrassed. I’m so ashamed I stayed so long. My box of darkness is starting to feel like the S from the Scarlet Letter!
I stayed way too long…so long that the guilt and shame are all I have left. That’s what’s in my box of darkness. Guilt. Shame. Hurt. More guilt. Guilty that I talked myself into thinking I deserved less. So I stayed to receive the crumbs of the crumbs. The crumbs of the fucking crumbs! How embarrassing.
So much has happened since we last spoke. Too much to list here. I will try to unpack it all one day…someday. Just know for now that I am hurt, I am sad, and I am laying here with my box of darkness…wondering how the fuck did I get here?!
~KJM
