Archives for July 2019
It was July 14, 2010. We were by the Tappan Zee Bridge. Sun showers surrounded us and in that moment you took my hand as we ran for cover. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt at home. And it was in that simple moment that I fell in love with you…the Ex Factor. It took exactly one month of us dating for me to be sure I was in love. I didn’t plan it. Lord knows I would never have purposely put myself through all I have endured in these last nine years if I could have helped it. I fell…never thinking I could ever fall so deeply in love with anyone. Who you showed yourself to be then…wasn’t who you turned out to be. Yet I was in too deep to turn back around. Summer 2010 flowed effortlessly. We laughed. We talked. We laughed some more. We made love everywhere and anywhere. I had never wanted to spend so much time with a guy before. I think…that summer…we were together at least five out of the seven days of the week. Most weeks….it was six days. And I basked in all that was you. I watched you sleep. Something I would not do again for another eight years! Each breath you took….my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t have it all figured out….how could I?! This was just suppose to be a summer thing until I worked things out with Julio and you with your first love. That was the plan! But within one month of knowing you…my heart scratched the plan and began writing an unknown song. So much around me was going wrong…yet I clung to you and we laughed. We made love….for hours…sometimes days. You were mine and I was yours. So I thought. Love actually doesn’t give one enough time to think. Love is a FEEL thing. I felt! And I hoped we could work things out. Then all of a sudden, the summer was ending and I got a job in DC…which gave me 48 hours to relocate. This changed everything. You didn’t want to do long distance. That made sense because none of us knew if I was ever coming back to Jersey. Turns out…I would hate my job and return to you…fully…in two months. The first real thing we had to deal with threw off the course of our summer affair. Yet I loved! And I hung on. I never ever held on to anyone so tight…before you. We fought Labor Day weekend 2010 and decided to split. Yea….I’m backing up here a bit. Your family threw a bbq that weekend. You laughed with your friends while I was home packing and crying. Still I could not let you go. I laugh so hard at this thought now because all I’ve done ever since then was let you go. Some how…though…you always found your way back to me. Up until I started making Vegas my home for Labor Day weekends, I use to dread the anniversary of Labor Day 2010. I should have broke my own heart right then and there. I should have forever walked away!!! I regret. I regret. I regret but how can I…when I made a decision with my heart for the very first time in my life! I did the best I could. I tried! And no matter how many times I tell this story…remember that I was once happy and I was once deeply in love…with you. To all who are reading this….I say…sometimes you have to break your own heart to be free. If I had had the courage to let go Labor Day weekend….I may have found my forever love by now. A guy that can communicate. A guy who knows how to love. A guy who appreciates me. Nine years later…I want to slap myself in the face but what good would that do? Hearts want what they want. And it took me 29 years to listen to my heart. ~KJM in Charm School Monday. And so the saga continues. ??♀️
I know we are in the middle of some kind of damn retrograde but am I the only one where ex lovers and ex friends are popping up like a new set of cockroaches the exterminator didn’t get?! I have heard from some folks that I haven’t spoken to in like 6 or 7 years! Truth be told….all of this “reunited and the shit don’t feel good” mess started for me in June! Yet I feel so much better blaming the circus show that is currently my life on the damn retrograde. We going backwards for real! Money funny, lover estrange (don’t act like y’all don’t know who I’m referring too??♀️), and eccentric associates with crazy ideas! As I am trying to bob and weave through this circus ring (literally…even bumped into Elijah a few times…fuck), I cannot help but hold on to my peace like our church grandmothers would to their good wigs and church hats during a wind storm! ???Hanging on for dear life! Who told these people that their presence was warranted?! Did someone send them a telegram…reminding them to shake my Summer up?! ??♀️ I have no clue who let some of these folks out of the zoo! All I am trying to do is enjoy my #hotgirlsummer (even though I have been living a #hotgirllife all up and through my 30s?) and stay hydrated while I pray for money to start raining down on me. That’s it! I am just trying to be great! Why won’t they let me be great?! No matter what I SHALL CONTINUE TO BE GREAT! ? People are always going to try to interrupt our peace! Some out of spite and some in the name of “love.” Take a deep breath and refocus. Don’t let them rattle you. Breathe in and out. Downward face your dog. Have your heart rising forward no matter what! And if you are lucky….NAMASTE on some GOOD DICK that loves you (or at least respects you). Get that orgasm sis! ? Replenish your body with some water. And then upward facing dog on any trick trying to bring you down. Protect your peace at all times! ?? I don’t care if your retrograde folks are family, friends, or foes…get their asses in check! And if you can’t do that…cause some shit ain’t worth your energy…just leave them the fuck alone! ~KJM in Charm School Monday! Namaste ??