I…I knew it would happen but I was hoping later rather than sooner. And so the Ex Factor and I hit our first small bump in the road. I didn’t really see it coming but there I was shutting down and him sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what had upset me. The thing about trying to heal with the same person that broke your heart is it’s never an easy process. It’s like being in a car accident and surviving only to get back into your fixed car while trying to learn to trust the roads and other cars around you. If just one car gets too close…you flinch! Not because you are purposely holding on to the accident but because we are human beings and even if the mind wanted to forget…it still has the ability to signal other parts of your body to respond when faced with a painful memory. You following? So I’m in that car and two days ago another car came too close and suddenly there I was…reliving my broken and bruised self. I felt so disappointed in myself for crying about it. Numbness is my place of comfort. I like to not feel and just easily move pass things but that’s just not the case when I truly love a man. Sigh…so I’m here…trying to get over the small bump without running. I don’t think the Ex Factor knows he’s doing it. He lives day to day never choosing me…never keeping my feelings in mind. Part of loving someone, I believe, is learning to make them a priority in all you do. I feel like basketball, friends, family (well this I expect because family is forever), or even a random backyard barbecue that a friend of a friend is having is more important than me. This has been the main reason why I’ve left him so many times. He has never chosen me and I got so tired of choosing someone who I felt would never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved. I am a second or even worst…a last thought. And that pain I carried with me for the last 6 years. Even Julio (first love) tried to choose me at different points of the last 19 years we have known each other but I no longer wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted to take the risk that there was a greater and deeper love out there for me. I took the risk that it was possible for my heart to live outside my body. I had never felt it beat outside but I had to believe that a GREAT love could make it happen so I TOOK THE RISK and even though at times it’s been spirit crushing and heartbreaking…that risk was worth it. No one should settle for someone. LOVE should be worth the risk. And so I’m here riding over the familiar yet unexpected small bump in the road. I find myself shutting down. I find myself choking back tears. I find myself doubting us. But I promised myself I would see this through until I could go no further. Many times before I thought I hit that point of no return but what I’ve found is my love for the Ex Factor is greater and more powerful than even I imagined. I’m trying to live and breathe 1st Corinthians Ch 13…while a beautiful passage….it’s also one of the most difficult to embody!?? And so I’m trying to do what Grace suggested…love the Ex Factor harder during the difficult times. Boy that’s not easy but the best I’ve done is not run. I didn’t sleep the night before. Thankfully I was able to wake my brother Junior up and Willow text me just when I needed her to. Then I heard from Grace around 5am. They say it takes a village to raise a child (true)…but it also takes a small yet strong village to help support a relationship. It’s always good to have impartial people that are rooting for you both that will keep telling you to go back to the drawing board. So grateful for all my friends who reached out yesterday. I said it before…I can’t do this alone. I’m not built to. So back to this small bump in the road. I had not been sleeping and knew I needed to get some sleep last night. So I did the only thing I could. Talk to the one person that I would believe when he says it will be okay…my father…Papa Michaels. My father and I can discuss almost any topic but love is an odd one for us. He’s never known me to say I was in love. And so we chatted for two hours…during which my daddy had many questions for me. He said it seemed like the Ex Factor and I were far apart…me in California…and the Ex Factor in Jersey. No truer words have ever been spoken. My dad definitely didn’t understand what we were doing but truth be told the Ex Factor and I haven’t decided on that. I’m working 7 days a week and I’m sure for him…he’s dreading all the deep uncomfortable conversations like I am! That’s why we sweep so much dirt under the rug. No one (not even me) wants to roll up ourselves and face reality. I would rather write love sonnets and dream but of course that’s not how I run this blog! My dad asked if we are so apart and I’ve always envisioned myself alone permanently (never grew up dreaming of my wedding day or a family) why even try with the Ex Factor? And I replied with what I’ve been waiting to tell my daddy the last 6 years…I am in love with the Ex Factor!? So that’s why I’m trying to ride out all the bumps in the road. And that daddy understood. He just wants me to be happy. And so I fell asleep last night for most of the night. Even when I would periodically awaken…I reminded myself that it would be okay. And just in case you are wondering…I still stand by what I’ve said in the other blogs: I see my life with him, the odds are against us, and I’m not quite sure I believe we can make it BUT since he’s still in my heart…I have to take the risk. And if I get my heart broken again…I will move forward singing: “And another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one You did not break me I’m still fighting for peace Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won’t see me fall apart ‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart I’ve got an elastic heart Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart” AND LIFE WILL STILL GO ON BEAUTIFULLY! ~KJM saying pray for us on Throwback Thursday!??
Archives for June 2016
Tear stained pillowcases filled your bedroom as you slept peacefully. Every day she would still wake up with a smile on her face and do her best to make sure everything in your world was beautiful. Soon you started to treat her as an afterthought yet you were always the first thing on her mind. One day he spotted her…stunning with a hint of sadness in her eyes…just the type of woman he was looking for. He started to admire her from afar. Not in a creepy way but in the same way that artists who are viewing the Mona Lisa for the first time appreciate her. Imperfect but filled with beauty….they would see even the broken parts of her as breathtaking. And so his eyes gleamed whenever he said good morning to her. It would take her weeks to even notice him though because you were always in her heart. He started a friendship with her. Paying close attention to her likes and her dislikes. It was then and only then did she notice the intensity in his eyes. His dark brown eyes were saying “Come with me! Choose me!” The moment she spotted temptation she started asking you to come to work functions and pay more attention to her interests. At first, she would make suggestions of things you both could do together but something always came up that was more important than her. Each day he drew her in more to the point she was starting to think that he just may be the one for her. Slowly she started to pull away from you but not before sending out warning shots after warning shots that your love was in trouble. Love alone cannot survive. It needs to be continuously watered by faith, trust, commitment, security, and respect. Each time you would ignore the warnings…always expecting her love to be great…greater than yours…enough to keep your relationship alive. She grew tired and bored of her nights with you…while anticipating her mornings and days with him. He loved everything about the way she carried herself. Sexy. Confident. And Caring. He even met her family once (as a friend) and admired how close she was with her brother. He could see that this stunning woman with a hint of sadness in her eyes was a neglected treasure. Soon he made his move. He asked her to leave you and give him a chance. He promised evenings filled with laughter and nights that turned into mornings filled with lovemaking. Moments of him learning her body and tasting and drinking her as if he had been a man lost in the desert for months that was just granted his first meal. Enticing moments of him brushing pass her at work…running his fingers up and down her arm as if to warn her of the passion that will be unlocked from the streets of NYC to his bedroom. No stone was left unturned. This beauty could travel freely to any level of his universe. Speaking of his universe….that first kiss! It was like your woman had not been kissed in a decade. Her lips felt like those of a virgin who had no clue how to turn them into weapons of passion. And when she first tasted him out in the rain…on the streets of NYC…she moaned with each kiss. One night after they went on a date….they were holding hands and laughing as he suddenly pushed her into an alleyway. Surprised…he held up against a building as he ravished her lips and her breasts while soft tapping rain fell. He could not wait to get her alone. He wanted the world to know that YOUR woman was now HIS…and there was no limits to the pleasure he would bring her…no location where he would not try to be inside her. And even over dinner as she enjoyed every bite of her meal he pleasured her under the table with his gentle hands. All of this…and he had yet to sex your woman. He wanted to show her romance. Show her interest. Show her care. Give her time and affection. He wanted to make sure no one could caress her with the intensity he did. This man was no fool. He knew he did not have her heart so he set out to conquer all other aspects of her…hoping it would be enough for her to stay forever. When he worked long hours…he told her that it was for THEIR future. He had no hesitation in telling her where she fit in his life. He wanted her with him always! And on the day he finally entered your woman…her tightness and wet pussy let him know that he had won the jackpot. This pussy had no name tattooed on it. It was HIS for the taking…the enticing…and to mold into hours of succulent pleasure. Your woman had not been TOUCHED in a while. Anyone can sex a woman but this man made sure he took notice and worked his way around every angle of her body. And even though he never made her climax…she appreciated the fact that he put in the EFFORT. He even told her he loved her before you did. Time went by and even though she was no longer yours…you dwelled in her heart. Soon she realized that it was time to move on from him. No love could ever grow there. He focused more on controlling her instead of nurturing the relationship. He thought he could keep her and soon became obsessed with the idea of losing her. But she still left. Not to go back to you but to go at it alone. She wanted her freedom from hurt and disappointment. Then one day, out of no where, you appeared and all the love she had for you resurfaced. Wherever dead and buried place your love laid in the time spent apart, her love for you was still strong enough to fight through all of that. And so you two began again as you promised to never make her feel like an afterthought or second choice to anyone or anything in your life. Things are going well and a new start feels possible. But I beg of you…please check her pillowcases every morning. Never let a single tear fall on them again…for he sexed your woman…and this is his manifesto. He’s still fighting for her but even if he gave up…never forget that there will be others….~KJM on Hump Day! Love purposefully or don’t bother calling it love?
Yesterday on my long commute home, I sat next to a very nice older lady who was also a mother of three. We talked all the way home which is unusual for me because early in the morning and late in the evening…I generally like to meditate, write the blog, catch up on some of my favorite blogs, and listen to music. I truly believe when we have moments where life forces us to step out of our comfort zone…GOD is sending us a message and we MUST PAY ATTENTION! I talked briefly about my frustration with my day job and she did the same. Then I mentioned the blog and her eyes lit up. She immediately got excited and wanted the website address…so I directed her to it. It occurred to me that I’m not sure if my blog is one the mature crowd would enjoy but I think it’s really how open minded you are at any age! I know plenty of 30 year old prudes! So I opened the door to Kingston’s world. Then she asked my real name and I gave her the name my family calls me. Then she gave me her number and asked for mine. I hesitated for a minute and then gave her Kingston Jael’s email address. The thing is…I really am Kingston! She is the rawest form of me. She’s my truth. She’s 35 years of my blood sweat and tears. I truly believe this lady’s spirit was beautiful but still had the need to protect my day job and my side hustle. She now knows I am two people so I have to tread lightly on how (if ever) we do business together. I thank her so much for getting excited about my dreams the way I, Willow, and Nicole have been since last September when I embarked on this journey! Will definitely keep you posted on whether she was a God sent. Now to the message I have for you today… Yesterday’s encounter had me thinking that it’s so beautiful to be able to share your dreams with others and to see a light gleam in their eyes. Yet you can’t go around sharing your dreams with everyone! Some folks don’t dream. They are living nightmares…dream killers…and dream stealers! Not everyone purposely means to kill your dream. Some folks were never taught to dream and learned to live in fear. Others are just not mentally well. Then you have the ones that a jealous that God blessed you with not only the ability to dream but with a VISION!?? Yes hunni! Let’s talk about that VISION! Not everyone is blessed with one and even out of those who are…only a few of us will risk everything to make that VISION a reality! Let that soak in for a minute. Only a few of us will RISK everything to make that VISION come to fruition! You will put in the work because GOD built you to overcome every obstacle and stay in FAITH!?? What you know about that?! Can I get an AMEN! As you stay in FAITH, remember those closest to you will get front seats to either cheer you on or steal/kill your dreams! Your guide for your VISION has to be your HIGHER POWER! It cannot lie in human beings. But if you are lucky enough to have a few earthly angels that walk with you…thank the LORD for sending them! They are blessings upon blessings in places where broken dreams grow. Humans are flawed so don’t expect everyone to purposely accept and support your dreams! Get ready to row your boat FIERCELY yet CAREFULLY! Guard your VISION just as ferociously as you would your HEART! True visionaries are prepared for the earthly AND the spiritual battles! If you are one of them…take stock of who is in your camp and don’t be afraid to let some folks off the boat. Heck don’t be afraid to go it alone if you have to! “What GOD has for YOU…will be for YOU!” No man can stop you…~KJM on Temptation Tuesday…giving a shout out to Willow for being the Gayle to my Oprah since 1999! Oh the storms may come but we are still on the same boat together! God bless!?
It isn’t enough to speak love. We must live it…even when it is most difficult to. I don’t want to just be existing after deep loss…I want to fly. I want to soar. I want to feel my heart live outside my body. No one knows their last hour so isn’t it fair that we breathe true and everlasting love into each breath we take? I want to kiss his cheek. I want to cuddle with him. I want his name to cross my mind a thousand times a day. I want him to know he is loved with every step I take. There’s no way I could have achieved this feeling without suffering deep loss. For deep loss can awaken a deep love that had been locked in chains and bondage. LOVE can do this…breathe life into what we once knew as the living dead. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday?
Happiness. A smile that lit up the world. Patience. Positive energy. She understood me like a big sister. And laughter! Boy did we laugh. She was the center of our friendship circle. The last time I laid eyes on her was in the winter of 2015 at a wine festival and I (of course) was acting like a big baby because I wasn’t really having fun. I pouted and rolled my eyes a few times as I tasted some bitter wines. She pulled me aside to remind me that life was beautiful because we were all together. And then I became calm again. Months went by and we spoke often but life had made it that I would never see her again. “Fly butterfly fly” were the last words she spoke to me on my birthday…in the spring. By then I had moved back to my home state but still hoped to visit her when all the summer plans she made in winter came to be. I thought…I will show up for the summer wine tour. I will get on that bus. I will drink funny tasting wines and I will laugh with my friends on the wine bus. I can do that. I will do that because even though I was happy about my move…I missed them. Missed the brunches, happy hours, girls’ nights watching marathons of Big Freedia, and just moments filled with perfectly homemade mixed drinks. I had no clue that…that spring I would long for winter 2014 in a way I had never longed for any other winter. I wanted to feel the cold on my face. Would give anything to taste those bitter wines. Life is crazy that way. Someone we love is taken away from us in a moment’s notice and we start to long for even the miserable moments with them. We start to even miss pain…the pain of living out uncomfortable moments with the people we truly care about…because that is preferable to the empty gaping hole their passing left in our hearts. I want to say I had no clue that HE would take her from us but the weekend before her passing I got this strong feeling to call her and our other friend, Hope. Hope had just posted a stressful work day status on Facebook so I called her first and left the next day for Michele. I’m just saying her real name because there’s no way I could have started off this blog with saying her name without bursting into tears. I had to make you wonder about her and learn her through each word, phrase, and sentence. I wanted you to feel her…her spirit before I said her name. I wanted you to experience my loss…word for word. The next day…I would forget to call her. The Ex Factor wasn’t feeling well and I was trying to keep my cool as we were suppose to be celebrating my birthday. Huge rain and wind storms blew through from the Midwest that affected the north and my family were all stuck in whatever respective states they were trying to travel back from. It felt like the world was ending never realizing a piece of mine was. Michele was getting ready to transition and my spirit knew it before my mind could wrap my head around it. The storms continued and it was a rocky couple of days. Then silence. And then sun. The sun came out and I didn’t quite know it then but God had completely transitioned Michele and right before our broken hearts she would turn into the beautiful butterfly she told me to be. The way I found out was painful but it was nothing compared to what my Richmond friends went through…finding her body in her town house. A place where we laughed and drank mixed drinks and laughed some more. The place where I’ve spent many evenings sipping cocktails and complaining about my unfulfilling job. Where did the time go? Why had I been complaining so much? Why wasn’t I in a better mood at the wine festival? WHY DID I NOT APPRECIATE WINTER?! How I long for the snow. I never knew she was going to stay in spring…the last time I saw her. I miss her smile…the sunshine she brought to our group. And I pray that her transition was painless. The guilt would stay with me for almost a year…the guilt of suddenly leaving…the guilt of not being able to travel back for her funeral…the guilt of wanting to lay in my bed for months but instead working 7 days a week straight so that I could cry around my desk 4 hours a day behind dark sunglasses…the guilt of knowing what my friends went through and I wasn’t there…and the guilt of knowing that I had some more time on my life. The guilt of knowing I can still get married and have children yet I had no plans to. The guilt of knowing the weekend I felt the most compelled to call her…I was with the Ex Factor. I thought her final message to me was to leave him and explore life. Now I feel that it was no coincidence that as she was beginning her transition…I was with him. He is my heart and I believe…my future. I never truly dreamed of a future until I met him. And even that guilt was consuming….that I could still dream. Why did I not get a feeling sooner that she was transitioning? Why did God allow me to suddenly move a month and a half before Michele passed? Why did HE take her so soon?! We are left with so many questions…that will always be left unanswered. My only saving grace was that Michele’s Spring would meet with my Grandmother, Gloria’s, Autumn and they would comfort each other with smiles and laughter of the beautiful seasons while remembering the times they spent in Winter and Summer with their loved ones. No matter what anyone says…you always feel grief. It never quite disappears. Sometimes it will catch you off guard and swallow you up. Other times it will inspire you to fly like a butterfly into life and love. That’s where I am this summer…breathing an intoxicating love that is so imperfect that God created it just for me! I am embracing the warmth of summer…never forgetting about Autumn and Spring. I’m thrusting myself to a place where sorrow breathes life and hope. I am loving the Ex Factor in all seasons. His heart carries my heart in it. She stayed in Spring but her final message to me will last through all the seasons of my life. Each day we live. Each day we breathe. And each day we love…for those who can no longer do so. Spring is always around me. I can feel it. And it gives me comfort knowing that I was chosen to LIVE it…for now. Spring and Autumn gave birth to my heart’s content and I’m forever grateful for the times I spent in those seasons. I am forever grateful for heartbreaking, love inspiring, breathtaking, and fire breathing LOVE. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday? In loving memory of Michele Monique Johnson?
Well it’s Flashback Friday and I’ve decided to take you back to the first time you saw a pair of balls. I once dated a guy who had balls that could match the size of horse’s balls!? Coincidentally, it was also the first time I saw a gigantic penis. Fairly new to sex…I was both shocked and amazed that balls could be so huge. I thought…what to do with them?! I mean there’s no way to avoid them! Did they come with an instruction manual? Could no one have warned me that my first time with this guy I met in college was going to seem like a night at the NYC sex museum?! Having lost my virginity my Freshman year of college…I knew that sophomore year was never going to be the same now that I was face to face with BALLS! Do you remember your first encounter with them? Hmmm…that brings me to the case of the missing balls. I know a beautiful young lady named Stacey (who is also a mommy of two) that recently admitted to me that…in her entire sexual history she has never encountered…BALLS! I mean how the fuck is that possible? She says her man does have two of them (you know I had to ask because I’m fucking baffled) but she has never even had to touch them! What the fuck?! Babe, we gonna have to talk because there are women out there that never have to worry about balls! I mean sometimes I’m so tired I just tell the Ex Factor to just lay them next to my pillow (giving you the G rated version of what I really said). I definitely know I need a private balls class taught by the Ex Factor…because they just get in the way like pickles on a cheeseburger! FYI I can’t stand pickles! I know they are for flavoring but come on! Yuck! And I digress…back to balls. How does a straight woman with an active sex life and children never have to deal with BALLS?! How does one even avoid them? Seriously, how does a woman love a man (I ask the same of men) and not explore his entire body? I’ve mentioned before that I have ADD when it comes to that area between the nut sack and butthole…soon to be graduated to ADHD since I hear pressing on that area gently brings pleasure but I at least try! I don’t care if your man is a preacher on the holiest of holidays…his balls are screaming for attention!!!! I’ve been almost 10 months free of balls and it does feel great to take a vacation from them. However, I’m a little annoyed that some woman out there has managed to avoid all the uncomfortable moments balls can bring in a sexual experience. ?? While I’m working on negotiating a longer vacation from balls with the Ex Factor (Stacey inspired me because her concept is so bold and freeing…for now), I’m going to need Stacey to tend to her man’s balls! I don’t care if she cooks a tuna casserole around them….she better just give them a good look and get acquainted! Your man may not know how to request it but no way balls are content with being left alone unless…a man is missing one or both. ? ~KJM flashing back to the nightmares known as the first time seeing a penis, balls, or even worst my first and last time feeling but never looking at an extra tiny penis on Flashback Friday! Oh the horror…
You ever notice that every time you get your stuff together…the devil comes knocking? It’s like the universe sends signals that Kingston has finally got her eye on the prize and then life tests how dedicated I am. I still keep hearing from Elijah…yet I just read receipt him and don’t respond! Let me be clear…he is no longer a temptation…he’s just a distraction. And I owe him no explanation about my life. I only answer to MYSELF! ?? Yesterday I wrote about not blocking your blessings and failing the tests that the universe sends you is one sure way to do so. Elijah and I were not friends before we dated so we have no reason to build a friendship now. If I later on change my mind about that (which I highly doubt since I can’t stomach his personality), it will be me initiating a friendship NOT him. Once again, even after being split up for almost 3 months (damn time flies when you are having fun and living life??) Elijah is still trying to control a situation that he has no control of. His cologne smells like stench to me and that stinky smell appeared in the air way before the Ex Factor resurfaced.✌?️ Even when I first ran into him after our breakup, for a second Elijah seemed attractive UNTIL he spoke. I’m pretty certain that even if there was no Ex Factor…there would still be no Elijah. I broke things off with him and immediately started casual dating. Then the Ex Factor grabbed hold of my heart…a heart he always had. If you just started a new job, a new relationship, or a new school program, don’t let people distract you from those goals. GET ON ANOTHER LEVEL and protect the house you are trying to build…brick by brick! Remember that toxic people can chip away at your foundation. A house that is built on a rocky foundation cannot stand tall and firm. One light wind may take you out! Most importantly, keep in mind that the devil often has a friendly and recognizable face. Think back to when you went off to college. Did people you grew up with from your old neighborhood accuse you of changing (in a negative way)? Damn right you better change! You are going places! No time for the same old distractions! People who truly care about your growth will ride with you, love you, and support you at every level of your transformation as you do the same for them. If someone tries to block your growth and your happiness…they aren’t really with you. While Elijah has no details about my personal life (unless he’s keeping up with this blog lol), he does know that I’m extremely happy. In a professional setting, I greet him with a smile and a handshake. No hard feelings here buddy! I learned so much from him. And now I’m taking those lessons and applying them on another level!?? Now I’m living life like it’s PLATINUM and I’m not allowing anyone to take that away from me. And neither should you! Sky’s the limit on your heart’s desires! ~KJM saying stay focused and don’t get distracted on this Throwback Thursday!?
It’s been a couple days since I’ve blogged and I’m not sorry for that. Sometimes life is so beautiful that you have to just LIVE it and be in that moment. And that’s where I am right now. The men in my life (my Father, my brothers, and the Ex Factor) have been making me extremely happy lately. I don’t question it. I’m just praising God for it! ?? So now back to you and I….and this process. I have several friends online dating and meeting some pretty great guys. The few single friends I have…have something big in common with me: commitment issues/scared of a deep and everlasting commitment. Now I don’t ever give married advice but I can shine a light on the singles…at least with my experiences. My friend, Ingrid, met not one but TWO amazing guys online: one older than her and one younger. I don’t know about you but when is the last time you can remember meeting two good looking and apparently sane guys at once?! The last time for me was in 2001! And it was quite the scandal (for a couple years). Sigh…guess this is a good time to shout out the birth control and condom companies!??? And I digress…back to Ingrid. She’s been DATING (I have to stress that word so you guys don’t make the wrong assumption) both guys for the last month and IN HER MIND has broken up with them a million times for NO REASON!? Fear of commitment is one of the ultimate blessings blockers…no matter your gender. That fear of being loved completely and openly for the mess we are…is…scary. You mean he will love me even when I go bat shit crazy and maybe gain 10lbs?! That’s some real love right there! So why do we block ourselves from the possibility of that kind of unconditional love: 5. FEAR OF MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE! Choosing a life partner is no joke. Some people leap and just hope for the best while the rest of us need some assurances! But making no choice is making the wrong choice. No matter what people tell…no one is 100% sure that they are staring the love of their life in the face until eternity comes with that person. I think one can be 99% sure but 100% is God’s work! 4. THE SOMEONE BETTER IS OUT THERE TRAIN! Even more smelly, overcrowded, and time consuming than the NYC subway system is the “someone better is out there train!” I’ve traveled this shit up and down to be certain enough to say…it’s a fucking illusion. Unless you find yourself bored and buying time with a partner…try not to board this train. You may lose the love of your life riding through the land of the pimps and hoes looking for a wife or husband. Don’t be surprised if you ride this train long enough to marry a deceiving pimp and/or madam (as in head of house of whores)!?? Better learn how to recognize and respect real love while putting in the work! Losing the love of your life because you assumed there was someone better out there, finding out they were IT, and then watching them ride off into the sunset with a life long mate that values them is excruciating…so you better get right quick and board that train to commitment while trusting in the Lord to guide you!?? 3. YOU LIKE PLAYING GAMES AKA YOU HAVE HIDDEN INSECURITIES! Elijah, who is rounding 40, loved to play games. Seriously it was 7 months of being mind fucked instead of happily dating. He had these ridiculously high standards that made me laugh (well not at the time). His woman has to do this and be this. It never once occurred to him that he came up short on what I was looking for but I understood that human beings are flawed so I accepted him as he was (until he hit one of my deal breakers). I believe that like so many of us, Elijah played games because there was something within himself that made him feel unworthy of an honest, open, and loving relationship. Only Elijah can know what he was insecure about. I’m not going to pretend to understand him. However, the one thing I’m certain of is I’m over my game playing phase. If someone is playing games with me, I remove myself from the game. That’s the thing that the game maker never anticipates…that you will get fed up and move on to someone better. And that’s where I am. “Living my life like it’s GOLDEN!“? 2. FEAR OUR PARTNER WILL HURT US! In the words of Grace, “LOVE with all your heart KNOWING the other person has the power to hurt you but TRUSTING they won’t!” Deep! How many of us can take that risk? If you want your love to be forever…you have to try. This is where I currently am. I wake up every morning with a huge smile on my face and then I thank GOD for how full and happy my heart feels! I fall asleep easily in his arms and my phone has him listed as “Love Of My Life.” The things I use to be terrified of…I’m slowly letting go of. He has my heart and I’m trusting him to not break it again. Had I known this feeling would be the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt to date…I would have released my fears long ago and jumped…deep in love instead of slowly dragging my feet. I’m 99% sure I am staring into the eyes of the love of my life. And I got this sure….not from happy moments only…but mostly from all the obstacles we got through over the last 6 years and the fact that we are still currently choosing each other. I’m no longer scared to say this is the greatest love I’ve ever experienced! ?? 1. NOT BELIEVING YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE! Deep down inside, some of us don’t believe that we deserve love. This unhealthy feeling could have began in childhood or learned in other relationships. However we got here…we have to pull ourselves out of it and find ourselves deserving of a true and everlasting love. Run to therapy if you have to but get to that place of self love where you can freely give and receive unconditional love! ~KJM saying that LOVE is for the fearless on Hump Day!?
Yesterday evening, I saw a young teenage couple eating pizza as they waited for their bus. Short (as in height) and happy…it reminded me of Julio and I when we were teenagers…before my growth spurt continued and his stopped. Lol. Their innocence wasn’t full of overly sexual PDAs. It was just them being teenagers, enjoying pizza, and dare I say it…enjoying being in love for the first time. I watched them from afar missing that feeling of everything being a “FIRST.” Don’t get me wrong…I still have firsts in my life but they aren’t met with the same openness and world conquering view like they were when I was a teenager. From the first time I held hands with him to our first kiss (which all happened on our first date…my sophomore semi formal)…I saw a tenderness in Julio that I had never seen in any guy before. And so our puppy love began (and lasted for over 10 years) with me being distant and harsh and him being so full of love and care. Yea those were our teenage years. No matter my mistakes, he held my hands through it. Then we began adults and the roles reversed. I kept waiting for Julio to turn back into that patient and loving young man from the Bronx that I fell hard for but it never happened. You ever waited for someone to be the person you first fell in love with? This is the reason why I don’t believe in young marriages (though I know some do survive)…you barely know who you are much less to know who the other person is. There will be times both of you will lose yourselves and only the strongest couples will survive each transition. I do believe even in more mature relationships there are huge transitions but I feel at some point we come to terms with who we are and what we want after long periods of self exploration…and…MISTAKES! And those learned mistakes make us better people. In the Julio era, I had this need to find myself…to be free…to explore…to move all over the country…and to travel. Julio, on the other hand, wanted everything to stay the same…especially ME. He never trusted that after all my adventures, I would still choose him. That selfishness and that need for control are why I eventually fell out of love with Julio. To this day, over 19 years later, I don’t believe it’s love he feels for me. It’s familiarity. No self respecting woman wants familiarity over true and everlasting love! At least…I sure don’t. In the beginning, I felt so loved by Julio and as time went by…the fire (arguments, time, fights for power and control) burned even the most tender feeling I had in my heart for him. But it’s these lessons that let me know early on that Elijah and I would never work out. I always escape from control. True love should be free. Control is not love. It’s fear. Fear cannot hold a person forever…only love can do that by setting them free in the process and knowing that they are choosing you every day BY CHOICE. And that’s how I know there is hope for the Ex Factor and I….for even after 6 years of ups and downs…NOW is the time I feel the most loved. I’m not looking for him to return to the person I fell for…I’m watching us evolve into two people who are choosing each other BY CHOICE! And only time will tell if we continue to do so. Have we had fires?! Yes fucking bonfires! But if I’m reading us right, I think we decided to put all the bad things in the bonfire…hug it out and leave the ashes behind. Not everything has to be lost in the fire. Each thing we throw in should be a sign of a rebirth of at least two beautiful things. For every hurt put in the fire, a stronger love and bond should have ascended in the air…breathing life into even the most lifeless situations. At least that’s what I hope….~KJM on Throwback remembering the “FIRSTS” and all the painfully beautiful lessons that followed.
I started to write this blog then stopped myself several times. This is one of the worst possible times to express my feelings on this topic (in wake of what’s going on in Orlando) but it’s been heavy on my heart. Sunday night, I found out from my best friend, Zack, that an ex friend of ours (Tommy) is getting married soon…to a WOMAN. Now let’s back it up. I was friends with Tommy for four years but all his lying and deceptive behavior killed our friendship shortly after we graduated from college. In college, he told so many lies about me that I lost track…all while pretending to be a good friend to me. He treated Zack like scum too but poor Zack had a hard time understanding the fact that Tommy is a piss poor excuse for a friend. To this day, Zack tries hard to forgive and understand Tommy. I can sort of understand why Tommy kept Zack at bay in his adult life. You see there was a time Tommy wasn’t staying at his apartment with his college roommate and we would call searching for him. He told Zack he was staying with Autumn and I in our EFFICIENCY apartment (wtf) and then told me he was staying at Zack’s (who had a long term girlfriend living with him). Zack isn’t the type of person to let a lie slip by him. So he investigated…only to find out Tommy had a MALE lover in Zack’s building! Yes you read that right! Zack knocked on the dude’s door only to find him and Tommy answering the door in their boxers! Zack was so hurt he called me up yelling! We weren’t mad Tommy was gay/bi sexual but we were hurt by all his lies! I mean one time Tommy told me he got crabs from a hotel room! I actually went to the doctor with him to support him but looking back on it…Tommy was playing the hell out of us! In college, he had two girlfriends…one before we found out he slept with men and one after. To my knowledge, he never told either that he also slept with men! When Zack and I confronted Tommy about his biggest lie (FYI he claims he is NOT GAY), he said he could never come out because he already had a younger brother openly gay (which his family loves and supports) and didn’t want to disappoint his family by not having at least one male carry on his family name. I just didn’t think this was a good reason to deceive anyone especially a loving family…not to mention all the unsuspecting women who were being exposed to Tommy’s unsafe sex practices! Before I could get in too deep into his web of lies, I ended my friendship with Tommy. Our friendship did not end because of his sexual orientation…it ended because Tommy tried to destroy me by spreading more lies about me…all while telling me our friendship would never be over. He’s just a lunatic! A selfish delusional lunatic! I have not spoken to nor had contact with Tommy since 2004. He never even showed up for Zack’s wedding despite the fact that Zack was always flying out to different states and supporting all Tommy did. Now back to present time…Since Zack gave me the news about Tommy’s up coming nuptials (which he found out on FB through a mutual buddy) I have barely been able to sleep. Has Tommy become more truthful? Does his bride to be knows he also slept with men? I just keep thinking about her and asking the Lord to deliver her if she does not truly know who she is marrying! I have many gay friends. Some openly out/married and some that never talk about their personal life but just don’t date the other gender. I support people living in their truth! And I understand that we all hide things about ourselves but isn’t this level of deceit of high concern?! I keep thinking about her. Does she know? Does she want to know? I hear she is from Nebraska and the wedding will be in her home town. I pray a Nebraska wind comes through that shakes her spirit and raises her consciousness. I know it’s none of my business but two boys (that I know of for sure) tried to make me their beard. God did not allow me to stay in those relationships past 3 months. HE sent a wind for me and when it hit my face (more so the second time as I was an adult then)…I followed. I never questioned the angel that came to rescue me and I never looked back. We all deserve to spend our lives with our true soulmates. No one is ever perfect but I would rather we trust each other with our secrets and learn to build from there then to be lead to believe I married one person only to wake up looking at another. Once again, I know this is none of my business but it’s so heavy on my heart and mind. Dear Miss Nebraska, I love you and I don’t even know you. I love you enough, as my sister, to pray for your deliverance. May that angel come visit you and may the force of the wind be so strong that your unborn children feel it. ~KJM asking…if it were you…would you want to know? It’s Hump Day…please let me know how you feel as I’m so conflicted.