Iā¦I knew it would happen but I was hoping later rather than sooner. And so the Ex Factor and I hit our first small bump in the road. I didnāt really see it coming but there I was shutting down and him sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what had upset me. The thing about trying to heal with the same person that broke your heart is itās never an easy process. Itās like being in a car accident and surviving only to get back into your fixed car while trying to learn to trust the roads and other cars around you. If just one car gets too closeā¦you flinch! Not because you are purposely holding on to the accident but because we are human beings and even if the mind wanted to forgetā¦it still has the ability to signal other parts of your body to respond when faced with a painful memory. You following? So Iām in that car and two days ago another car came too close and suddenly there I wasā¦reliving my broken and bruised self. I felt so disappointed in myself for crying about it. Numbness is my place of comfort. I like to not feel and just easily move pass things but thatās just not the case when I truly love a man. Sighā¦so Iām hereā¦trying to get over the small bump without running. I donāt think the Ex Factor knows heās doing it. He lives day to day never choosing meā¦never keeping my feelings in mind. Part of loving someone, I believe, is learning to make them a priority in all you do. I feel like basketball, friends, family (well this I expect because family is forever), or even a random backyard barbecue that a friend of a friend is having is more important than me. This has been the main reason why Iāve left him so many times. He has never chosen me and I got so tired of choosing someone who I felt would never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved. I am a second or even worstā¦a last thought. And that pain I carried with me for the last 6 years. Even Julio (first love) tried to choose me at different points of the last 19 years we have known each other but I no longer wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted to take the risk that there was a greater and deeper love out there for me. I took the risk that it was possible for my heart to live outside my body. I had never felt it beat outside but I had to believe that a GREAT love could make it happen so I TOOK THE RISK and even though at times itās been spirit crushing and heartbreakingā¦that risk was worth it. No one should settle for someone. LOVE should be worth the risk. And so Iām here riding over the familiar yet unexpected small bump in the road. I find myself shutting down. I find myself choking back tears. I find myself doubting us. But I promised myself I would see this through until I could go no further. Many times before I thought I hit that point of no return but what Iāve found is my love for the Ex Factor is greater and more powerful than even I imagined. Iām trying to live and breathe 1st Corinthians Ch 13ā¦while a beautiful passageā¦.itās also one of the most difficult to embody!?? And so Iām trying to do what Grace suggestedā¦love the Ex Factor harder during the difficult times. Boy thatās not easy but the best Iāve done is not run. I didnāt sleep the night before. Thankfully I was able to wake my brother Junior up and Willow text me just when I needed her to. Then I heard from Grace around 5am. They say it takes a village to raise a child (true)ā¦but it also takes a small yet strong village to help support a relationship. Itās always good to have impartial people that are rooting for you both that will keep telling you to go back to the drawing board. So grateful for all my friends who reached out yesterday. I said it beforeā¦I canāt do this alone. Iām not built to. So back to this small bump in the road. I had not been sleeping and knew I needed to get some sleep last night. So I did the only thing I could. Talk to the one person that I would believe when he says it will be okayā¦my fatherā¦Papa Michaels. My father and I can discuss almost any topic but love is an odd one for us. Heās never known me to say I was in love. And so we chatted for two hoursā¦during which my daddy had many questions for me. He said it seemed like the Ex Factor and I were far apartā¦me in Californiaā¦and the Ex Factor in Jersey. No truer words have ever been spoken. My dad definitely didnāt understand what we were doing but truth be told the Ex Factor and I havenāt decided on that. Iām working 7 days a week and Iām sure for himā¦heās dreading all the deep uncomfortable conversations like I am! Thatās why we sweep so much dirt under the rug. No one (not even me) wants to roll up ourselves and face reality. I would rather write love sonnets and dream but of course thatās not how I run this blog! My dad asked if we are so apart and Iāve always envisioned myself alone permanently (never grew up dreaming of my wedding day or a family) why even try with the Ex Factor? And I replied with what Iāve been waiting to tell my daddy the last 6 yearsā¦I am in love with the Ex Factor!? So thatās why Iām trying to ride out all the bumps in the road. And that daddy understood. He just wants me to be happy. And so I fell asleep last night for most of the night. Even when I would periodically awakenā¦I reminded myself that it would be okay. And just in case you are wonderingā¦I still stand by what Iāve said in the other blogs: I see my life with him, the odds are against us, and Iām not quite sure I believe we can make it BUT since heās still in my heartā¦I have to take the risk. And if I get my heart broken againā¦I will move forward singing: āAnd another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, letās be clear, Iāll trust no one You did not break me Iām still fighting for peace Well, Iāve got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your bladeāit might be too sharp Iām like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you wonāt see me fall apart āCause Iāve got an elastic heart Iāve got an elastic heart Yeah, Iāve got an elastic heartā AND LIFE WILL STILL GO ON BEAUTIFULLY! ~KJM saying pray for us on Throwback Thursday!??
Archives for June 2016
He Sexed Your Woman Manifesto (The Tear Stained Pillowcase Edition)
Tear stained pillowcases filled your bedroom as you slept peacefully. Every day she would still wake up with a smile on her face and do her best to make sure everything in your world was beautiful. Soon you started to treat her as an afterthought yet you were always the first thing on her mind. One day he spotted herā¦stunning with a hint of sadness in her eyesā¦just the type of woman he was looking for. He started to admire her from afar. Not in a creepy way but in the same way that artists who are viewing the Mona Lisa for the first time appreciate her. Imperfect but filled with beautyā¦.they would see even the broken parts of her as breathtaking. And so his eyes gleamed whenever he said good morning to her. It would take her weeks to even notice him though because you were always in her heart. He started a friendship with her. Paying close attention to her likes and her dislikes. It was then and only then did she notice the intensity in his eyes. His dark brown eyes were saying āCome with me! Choose me!ā The moment she spotted temptation she started asking you to come to work functions and pay more attention to her interests. At first, she would make suggestions of things you both could do together but something always came up that was more important than her. Each day he drew her in more to the point she was starting to think that he just may be the one for her. Slowly she started to pull away from you but not before sending out warning shots after warning shots that your love was in trouble. Love alone cannot survive. It needs to be continuously watered by faith, trust, commitment, security, and respect. Each time you would ignore the warningsā¦always expecting her love to be greatā¦greater than yoursā¦enough to keep your relationship alive. She grew tired and bored of her nights with youā¦while anticipating her mornings and days with him. He loved everything about the way she carried herself. Sexy. Confident. And Caring. He even met her family once (as a friend) and admired how close she was with her brother. He could see that this stunning woman with a hint of sadness in her eyes was a neglected treasure. Soon he made his move. He asked her to leave you and give him a chance. He promised evenings filled with laughter and nights that turned into mornings filled with lovemaking. Moments of him learning her body and tasting and drinking her as if he had been a man lost in the desert for months that was just granted his first meal. Enticing moments of him brushing pass her at workā¦running his fingers up and down her arm as if to warn her of the passion that will be unlocked from the streets of NYC to his bedroom. No stone was left unturned. This beauty could travel freely to any level of his universe. Speaking of his universeā¦.that first kiss! It was like your woman had not been kissed in a decade. Her lips felt like those of a virgin who had no clue how to turn them into weapons of passion. And when she first tasted him out in the rainā¦on the streets of NYCā¦she moaned with each kiss. One night after they went on a dateā¦.they were holding hands and laughing as he suddenly pushed her into an alleyway. Surprisedā¦he held up against a building as he ravished her lips and her breasts while soft tapping rain fell. He could not wait to get her alone. He wanted the world to know that YOUR woman was now HISā¦and there was no limits to the pleasure he would bring herā¦no location where he would not try to be inside her. And even over dinner as she enjoyed every bite of her meal he pleasured her under the table with his gentle hands. All of thisā¦and he had yet to sex your woman. He wanted to show her romance. Show her interest. Show her care. Give her time and affection. He wanted to make sure no one could caress her with the intensity he did. This man was no fool. He knew he did not have her heart so he set out to conquer all other aspects of herā¦hoping it would be enough for her to stay forever. When he worked long hoursā¦he told her that it was for THEIR future. He had no hesitation in telling her where she fit in his life. He wanted her with him always! And on the day he finally entered your womanā¦her tightness and wet pussy let him know that he had won the jackpot. This pussy had no name tattooed on it. It was HIS for the takingā¦the enticingā¦and to mold into hours of succulent pleasure. Your woman had not been TOUCHED in a while. Anyone can sex a woman but this man made sure he took notice and worked his way around every angle of her body. And even though he never made her climaxā¦she appreciated the fact that he put in the EFFORT. He even told her he loved her before you did. Time went by and even though she was no longer yoursā¦you dwelled in her heart. Soon she realized that it was time to move on from him. No love could ever grow there. He focused more on controlling her instead of nurturing the relationship. He thought he could keep her and soon became obsessed with the idea of losing her. But she still left. Not to go back to you but to go at it alone. She wanted her freedom from hurt and disappointment. Then one day, out of no where, you appeared and all the love she had for you resurfaced. Wherever dead and buried place your love laid in the time spent apart, her love for you was still strong enough to fight through all of that. And so you two began again as you promised to never make her feel like an afterthought or second choice to anyone or anything in your life. Things are going well and a new start feels possible. But I beg of youā¦please check her pillowcases every morning. Never let a single tear fall on them againā¦for he sexed your womanā¦and this is his manifesto. Heās still fighting for her but even if he gave upā¦never forget that there will be othersā¦.~KJM on Hump Day! Love purposefully or donāt bother calling it love?
Your Boat…Row Fiercely Yet Carefully
Yesterday on my long commute home, I sat next to a very nice older lady who was also a mother of three. We talked all the way home which is unusual for me because early in the morning and late in the eveningā¦I generally like to meditate, write the blog, catch up on some of my favorite blogs, and listen to music. I truly believe when we have moments where life forces us to step out of our comfort zoneā¦GOD is sending us a message and we MUST PAY ATTENTION! I talked briefly about my frustration with my day job and she did the same. Then I mentioned the blog and her eyes lit up. She immediately got excited and wanted the website addressā¦so I directed her to it. It occurred to me that Iām not sure if my blog is one the mature crowd would enjoy but I think itās really how open minded you are at any age! I know plenty of 30 year old prudes! So I opened the door to Kingstonās world. Then she asked my real name and I gave her the name my family calls me. Then she gave me her number and asked for mine. I hesitated for a minute and then gave her Kingston Jaelās email address. The thing isā¦I really am Kingston! She is the rawest form of me. Sheās my truth. Sheās 35 years of my blood sweat and tears. I truly believe this ladyās spirit was beautiful but still had the need to protect my day job and my side hustle. She now knows I am two people so I have to tread lightly on how (if ever) we do business together. I thank her so much for getting excited about my dreams the way I, Willow, and Nicole have been since last September when I embarked on this journey! Will definitely keep you posted on whether she was a God sent. Now to the message I have for you todayā¦ Yesterdayās encounter had me thinking that itās so beautiful to be able to share your dreams with others and to see a light gleam in their eyes. Yet you canāt go around sharing your dreams with everyone! Some folks donāt dream. They are living nightmaresā¦dream killersā¦and dream stealers! Not everyone purposely means to kill your dream. Some folks were never taught to dream and learned to live in fear. Others are just not mentally well. Then you have the ones that a jealous that God blessed you with not only the ability to dream but with a VISION!?? Yes hunni! Letās talk about that VISION! Not everyone is blessed with one and even out of those who areā¦only a few of us will risk everything to make that VISION a reality! Let that soak in for a minute. Only a few of us will RISK everything to make that VISION come to fruition! You will put in the work because GOD built you to overcome every obstacle and stay in FAITH!?? What you know about that?! Can I get an AMEN! As you stay in FAITH, remember those closest to you will get front seats to either cheer you on or steal/kill your dreams! Your guide for your VISION has to be your HIGHER POWER! It cannot lie in human beings. But if you are lucky enough to have a few earthly angels that walk with youā¦thank the LORD for sending them! They are blessings upon blessings in places where broken dreams grow. Humans are flawed so donāt expect everyone to purposely accept and support your dreams! Get ready to row your boat FIERCELY yet CAREFULLY! Guard your VISION just as ferociously as you would your HEART! True visionaries are prepared for the earthly AND the spiritual battles! If you are one of themā¦take stock of who is in your camp and donāt be afraid to let some folks off the boat. Heck donāt be afraid to go it alone if you have to! āWhat GOD has for YOUā¦will be for YOU!ā No man can stop youā¦~KJM on Temptation Tuesdayā¦giving a shout out to Willow for being the Gayle to my Oprah since 1999! Oh the storms may come but we are still on the same boat together! God bless!?
Breathe LOVE (The All Seasons Edition)
It isnāt enough to speak love. We must live itā¦even when it is most difficult to. I donāt want to just be existing after deep lossā¦I want to fly. I want to soar. I want to feel my heart live outside my body. No one knows their last hour so isnāt it fair that we breathe true and everlasting love into each breath we take? I want to kiss his cheek. I want to cuddle with him. I want his name to cross my mind a thousand times a day. I want him to know he is loved with every step I take. Thereās no way I could have achieved this feeling without suffering deep loss. For deep loss can awaken a deep love that had been locked in chains and bondage. LOVE can do thisā¦breathe life into what we once knew as the living dead. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday?
She Stayed In Spring (The Unexpected Loss Edition)
Happiness. A smile that lit up the world. Patience. Positive energy. She understood me like a big sister. And laughter! Boy did we laugh. She was the center of our friendship circle. The last time I laid eyes on her was in the winter of 2015 at a wine festival and I (of course) was acting like a big baby because I wasnāt really having fun. I pouted and rolled my eyes a few times as I tasted some bitter wines. She pulled me aside to remind me that life was beautiful because we were all together. And then I became calm again. Months went by and we spoke often but life had made it that I would never see her again. āFly butterfly flyā were the last words she spoke to me on my birthdayā¦in the spring. By then I had moved back to my home state but still hoped to visit her when all the summer plans she made in winter came to be. I thoughtā¦I will show up for the summer wine tour. I will get on that bus. I will drink funny tasting wines and I will laugh with my friends on the wine bus. I can do that. I will do that because even though I was happy about my moveā¦I missed them. Missed the brunches, happy hours, girlsā nights watching marathons of Big Freedia, and just moments filled with perfectly homemade mixed drinks. I had no clue thatā¦that spring I would long for winter 2014 in a way I had never longed for any other winter. I wanted to feel the cold on my face. Would give anything to taste those bitter wines. Life is crazy that way. Someone we love is taken away from us in a momentās notice and we start to long for even the miserable moments with them. We start to even miss painā¦the pain of living out uncomfortable moments with the people we truly care aboutā¦because that is preferable to the empty gaping hole their passing left in our hearts. I want to say I had no clue that HE would take her from us but the weekend before her passing I got this strong feeling to call her and our other friend, Hope. Hope had just posted a stressful work day status on Facebook so I called her first and left the next day for Michele. Iām just saying her real name because thereās no way I could have started off this blog with saying her name without bursting into tears. I had to make you wonder about her and learn her through each word, phrase, and sentence. I wanted you to feel herā¦her spirit before I said her name. I wanted you to experience my lossā¦word for word. The next dayā¦I would forget to call her. The Ex Factor wasnāt feeling well and I was trying to keep my cool as we were suppose to be celebrating my birthday. Huge rain and wind storms blew through from the Midwest that affected the north and my family were all stuck in whatever respective states they were trying to travel back from. It felt like the world was ending never realizing a piece of mine was. Michele was getting ready to transition and my spirit knew it before my mind could wrap my head around it. The storms continued and it was a rocky couple of days. Then silence. And then sun. The sun came out and I didnāt quite know it then but God had completely transitioned Michele and right before our broken hearts she would turn into the beautiful butterfly she told me to be. The way I found out was painful but it was nothing compared to what my Richmond friends went throughā¦finding her body in her town house. A place where we laughed and drank mixed drinks and laughed some more. The place where Iāve spent many evenings sipping cocktails and complaining about my unfulfilling job. Where did the time go? Why had I been complaining so much? Why wasnāt I in a better mood at the wine festival? WHY DID I NOT APPRECIATE WINTER?! How I long for the snow. I never knew she was going to stay in springā¦the last time I saw her. I miss her smileā¦the sunshine she brought to our group. And I pray that her transition was painless. The guilt would stay with me for almost a yearā¦the guilt of suddenly leavingā¦the guilt of not being able to travel back for her funeralā¦the guilt of wanting to lay in my bed for months but instead working 7 days a week straight so that I could cry around my desk 4 hours a day behind dark sunglassesā¦the guilt of knowing what my friends went through and I wasnāt thereā¦and the guilt of knowing that I had some more time on my life. The guilt of knowing I can still get married and have children yet I had no plans to. The guilt of knowing the weekend I felt the most compelled to call herā¦I was with the Ex Factor. I thought her final message to me was to leave him and explore life. Now I feel that it was no coincidence that as she was beginning her transitionā¦I was with him. He is my heart and I believeā¦my future. I never truly dreamed of a future until I met him. And even that guilt was consumingā¦.that I could still dream. Why did I not get a feeling sooner that she was transitioning? Why did God allow me to suddenly move a month and a half before Michele passed? Why did HE take her so soon?! We are left with so many questionsā¦that will always be left unanswered. My only saving grace was that Micheleās Spring would meet with my Grandmother, Gloriaās, Autumn and they would comfort each other with smiles and laughter of the beautiful seasons while remembering the times they spent in Winter and Summer with their loved ones. No matter what anyone saysā¦you always feel grief. It never quite disappears. Sometimes it will catch you off guard and swallow you up. Other times it will inspire you to fly like a butterfly into life and love. Thatās where I am this summerā¦breathing an intoxicating love that is so imperfect that God created it just for me! I am embracing the warmth of summerā¦never forgetting about Autumn and Spring. Iām thrusting myself to a place where sorrow breathes life and hope. I am loving the Ex Factor in all seasons. His heart carries my heart in it. She stayed in Spring but her final message to me will last through all the seasons of my life. Each day we live. Each day we breathe. And each day we loveā¦for those who can no longer do so. Spring is always around me. I can feel it. And it gives me comfort knowing that I was chosen to LIVE itā¦for now. Spring and Autumn gave birth to my heartās content and Iām forever grateful for the times I spent in those seasons. I am forever grateful for heartbreaking, love inspiring, breathtaking, and fire breathing LOVE. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday? In loving memory of Michele Monique Johnson?
The Case Of The Missing Balls
Well itās Flashback Friday and Iāve decided to take you back to the first time you saw a pair of balls. I once dated a guy who had balls that could match the size of horseās balls!? Coincidentally, it was also the first time I saw a gigantic penis. Fairly new to sexā¦I was both shocked and amazed that balls could be so huge. I thoughtā¦what to do with them?! I mean thereās no way to avoid them! Did they come with an instruction manual? Could no one have warned me that my first time with this guy I met in college was going to seem like a night at the NYC sex museum?! Having lost my virginity my Freshman year of collegeā¦I knew that sophomore year was never going to be the same now that I was face to face with BALLS! Do you remember your first encounter with them? Hmmmā¦that brings me to the case of the missing balls. I know a beautiful young lady named Stacey (who is also a mommy of two) that recently admitted to me thatā¦in her entire sexual history she has never encounteredā¦BALLS! I mean how the fuck is that possible? She says her man does have two of them (you know I had to ask because Iām fucking baffled) but she has never even had to touch them! What the fuck?! Babe, we gonna have to talk because there are women out there that never have to worry about balls! I mean sometimes Iām so tired I just tell the Ex Factor to just lay them next to my pillow (giving you the G rated version of what I really said). I definitely know I need a private balls class taught by the Ex Factorā¦because they just get in the way like pickles on a cheeseburger! FYI I canāt stand pickles! I know they are for flavoring but come on! Yuck! And I digressā¦back to balls. How does a straight woman with an active sex life and children never have to deal with BALLS?! How does one even avoid them? Seriously, how does a woman love a man (I ask the same of men) and not explore his entire body? Iāve mentioned before that I have ADD when it comes to that area between the nut sack and buttholeā¦soon to be graduated to ADHD since I hear pressing on that area gently brings pleasure but I at least try! I donāt care if your man is a preacher on the holiest of holidaysā¦his balls are screaming for attention!!!! Iāve been almost 10 months free of balls and it does feel great to take a vacation from them. However, Iām a little annoyed that some woman out there has managed to avoid all the uncomfortable moments balls can bring in a sexual experience. ?? While Iām working on negotiating a longer vacation from balls with the Ex Factor (Stacey inspired me because her concept is so bold and freeingā¦for now), Iām going to need Stacey to tend to her manās balls! I donāt care if she cooks a tuna casserole around themā¦.she better just give them a good look and get acquainted! Your man may not know how to request it but no way balls are content with being left alone unlessā¦a man is missing one or both. ? ~KJM flashing back to the nightmares known as the first time seeing a penis, balls, or even worst my first and last time feeling but never looking at an extra tiny penis on Flashback Friday! Oh the horrorā¦
On Another Level (The I’m On One Edition)
You ever notice that every time you get your stuff togetherā¦the devil comes knocking? Itās like the universe sends signals that Kingston has finally got her eye on the prize and then life tests how dedicated I am. I still keep hearing from Elijahā¦yet I just read receipt him and donāt respond! Let me be clearā¦he is no longer a temptationā¦heās just a distraction. And I owe him no explanation about my life. I only answer to MYSELF! ?? Yesterday I wrote about not blocking your blessings and failing the tests that the universe sends you is one sure way to do so. Elijah and I were not friends before we dated so we have no reason to build a friendship now. If I later on change my mind about that (which I highly doubt since I canāt stomach his personality), it will be me initiating a friendship NOT him. Once again, even after being split up for almost 3 months (damn time flies when you are having fun and living life??) Elijah is still trying to control a situation that he has no control of. His cologne smells like stench to me and that stinky smell appeared in the air way before the Ex Factor resurfaced.ā?ļø Even when I first ran into him after our breakup, for a second Elijah seemed attractive UNTIL he spoke. Iām pretty certain that even if there was no Ex Factorā¦there would still be no Elijah. I broke things off with him and immediately started casual dating. Then the Ex Factor grabbed hold of my heartā¦a heart he always had. If you just started a new job, a new relationship, or a new school program, donāt let people distract you from those goals. GET ON ANOTHER LEVEL and protect the house you are trying to buildā¦brick by brick! Remember that toxic people can chip away at your foundation. A house that is built on a rocky foundation cannot stand tall and firm. One light wind may take you out! Most importantly, keep in mind that the devil often has a friendly and recognizable face. Think back to when you went off to college. Did people you grew up with from your old neighborhood accuse you of changing (in a negative way)? Damn right you better change! You are going places! No time for the same old distractions! People who truly care about your growth will ride with you, love you, and support you at every level of your transformation as you do the same for them. If someone tries to block your growth and your happinessā¦they arenāt really with you. While Elijah has no details about my personal life (unless heās keeping up with this blog lol), he does know that Iām extremely happy. In a professional setting, I greet him with a smile and a handshake. No hard feelings here buddy! I learned so much from him. And now Iām taking those lessons and applying them on another level!?? Now Iām living life like itās PLATINUM and Iām not allowing anyone to take that away from me. And neither should you! Skyās the limit on your heartās desires! ~KJM saying stay focused and donāt get distracted on this Throwback Thursday!?
Blocked Blessings Equal Self Inflicted Unhappiness
Itās been a couple days since Iāve blogged and Iām not sorry for that. Sometimes life is so beautiful that you have to just LIVE it and be in that moment. And thatās where I am right now. The men in my life (my Father, my brothers, and the Ex Factor) have been making me extremely happy lately. I donāt question it. Iām just praising God for it! ?? So now back to you and Iā¦.and this process. I have several friends online dating and meeting some pretty great guys. The few single friends I haveā¦have something big in common with me: commitment issues/scared of a deep and everlasting commitment. Now I donāt ever give married advice but I can shine a light on the singlesā¦at least with my experiences. My friend, Ingrid, met not one but TWO amazing guys online: one older than her and one younger. I donāt know about you but when is the last time you can remember meeting two good looking and apparently sane guys at once?! The last time for me was in 2001! And it was quite the scandal (for a couple years). Sighā¦guess this is a good time to shout out the birth control and condom companies!??? And I digressā¦back to Ingrid. Sheās been DATING (I have to stress that word so you guys donāt make the wrong assumption) both guys for the last month and IN HER MIND has broken up with them a million times for NO REASON!? Fear of commitment is one of the ultimate blessings blockersā¦no matter your gender. That fear of being loved completely and openly for the mess we areā¦isā¦scary. You mean he will love me even when I go bat shit crazy and maybe gain 10lbs?! Thatās some real love right there! So why do we block ourselves from the possibility of that kind of unconditional love: 5. FEAR OF MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE! Choosing a life partner is no joke. Some people leap and just hope for the best while the rest of us need some assurances! But making no choice is making the wrong choice. No matter what people tellā¦no one is 100% sure that they are staring the love of their life in the face until eternity comes with that person. I think one can be 99% sure but 100% is Godās work! 4. THE SOMEONE BETTER IS OUT THERE TRAIN! Even more smelly, overcrowded, and time consuming than the NYC subway system is the āsomeone better is out there train!ā Iāve traveled this shit up and down to be certain enough to sayā¦itās a fucking illusion. Unless you find yourself bored and buying time with a partnerā¦try not to board this train. You may lose the love of your life riding through the land of the pimps and hoes looking for a wife or husband. Donāt be surprised if you ride this train long enough to marry a deceiving pimp and/or madam (as in head of house of whores)!?? Better learn how to recognize and respect real love while putting in the work! Losing the love of your life because you assumed there was someone better out there, finding out they were IT, and then watching them ride off into the sunset with a life long mate that values them is excruciatingā¦so you better get right quick and board that train to commitment while trusting in the Lord to guide you!?? 3. YOU LIKE PLAYING GAMES AKA YOU HAVE HIDDEN INSECURITIES! Elijah, who is rounding 40, loved to play games. Seriously it was 7 months of being mind fucked instead of happily dating. He had these ridiculously high standards that made me laugh (well not at the time). His woman has to do this and be this. It never once occurred to him that he came up short on what I was looking for but I understood that human beings are flawed so I accepted him as he was (until he hit one of my deal breakers). I believe that like so many of us, Elijah played games because there was something within himself that made him feel unworthy of an honest, open, and loving relationship. Only Elijah can know what he was insecure about. Iām not going to pretend to understand him. However, the one thing Iām certain of is Iām over my game playing phase. If someone is playing games with me, I remove myself from the game. Thatās the thing that the game maker never anticipatesā¦that you will get fed up and move on to someone better. And thatās where I am. āLiving my life like itās GOLDEN!ā? 2. FEAR OUR PARTNER WILL HURT US! In the words of Grace, āLOVE with all your heart KNOWING the other person has the power to hurt you but TRUSTING they wonāt!ā Deep! How many of us can take that risk? If you want your love to be foreverā¦you have to try. This is where I currently am. I wake up every morning with a huge smile on my face and then I thank GOD for how full and happy my heart feels! I fall asleep easily in his arms and my phone has him listed as “Love Of My Life.ā The things I use to be terrified ofā¦Iām slowly letting go of. He has my heart and Iām trusting him to not break it again. Had I known this feeling would be the greatest feeling Iāve ever felt to dateā¦I would have released my fears long ago and jumpedā¦deep in love instead of slowly dragging my feet. Iām 99% sure I am staring into the eyes of the love of my life. And I got this sureā¦.not from happy moments onlyā¦but mostly from all the obstacles we got through over the last 6 years and the fact that we are still currently choosing each other. Iām no longer scared to say this is the greatest love Iāve ever experienced! ?? 1. NOT BELIEVING YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE! Deep down inside, some of us donāt believe that we deserve love. This unhealthy feeling could have began in childhood or learned in other relationships. However we got hereā¦we have to pull ourselves out of it and find ourselves deserving of a true and everlasting love. Run to therapy if you have to but get to that place of self love where you can freely give and receive unconditional love! ~KJM saying that LOVE is for the fearless on Hump Day!?
Things We Lost In The Fire
Yesterday evening, I saw a young teenage couple eating pizza as they waited for their bus. Short (as in height) and happyā¦it reminded me of Julio and I when we were teenagersā¦before my growth spurt continued and his stopped. Lol. Their innocence wasnāt full of overly sexual PDAs. It was just them being teenagers, enjoying pizza, and dare I say itā¦enjoying being in love for the first time. I watched them from afar missing that feeling of everything being a āFIRST.ā Donāt get me wrongā¦I still have firsts in my life but they arenāt met with the same openness and world conquering view like they were when I was a teenager. From the first time I held hands with him to our first kiss (which all happened on our first dateā¦my sophomore semi formal)ā¦I saw a tenderness in Julio that I had never seen in any guy before. And so our puppy love began (and lasted for over 10 years) with me being distant and harsh and him being so full of love and care. Yea those were our teenage years. No matter my mistakes, he held my hands through it. Then we began adults and the roles reversed. I kept waiting for Julio to turn back into that patient and loving young man from the Bronx that I fell hard for but it never happened. You ever waited for someone to be the person you first fell in love with? This is the reason why I donāt believe in young marriages (though I know some do survive)ā¦you barely know who you are much less to know who the other person is. There will be times both of you will lose yourselves and only the strongest couples will survive each transition. I do believe even in more mature relationships there are huge transitions but I feel at some point we come to terms with who we are and what we want after long periods of self explorationā¦andā¦MISTAKES! And those learned mistakes make us better people. In the Julio era, I had this need to find myselfā¦to be freeā¦to exploreā¦to move all over the countryā¦and to travel. Julio, on the other hand, wanted everything to stay the sameā¦especially ME. He never trusted that after all my adventures, I would still choose him. That selfishness and that need for control are why I eventually fell out of love with Julio. To this day, over 19 years later, I donāt believe itās love he feels for me. Itās familiarity. No self respecting woman wants familiarity over true and everlasting love! At leastā¦I sure donāt. In the beginning, I felt so loved by Julio and as time went byā¦the fire (arguments, time, fights for power and control) burned even the most tender feeling I had in my heart for him. But itās these lessons that let me know early on that Elijah and I would never work out. I always escape from control. True love should be free. Control is not love. Itās fear. Fear cannot hold a person foreverā¦only love can do that by setting them free in the process and knowing that they are choosing you every day BY CHOICE. And thatās how I know there is hope for the Ex Factor and Iā¦.for even after 6 years of ups and downsā¦NOW is the time I feel the most loved. Iām not looking for him to return to the person I fell forā¦Iām watching us evolve into two people who are choosing each other BY CHOICE! And only time will tell if we continue to do so. Have we had fires?! Yes fucking bonfires! But if Iām reading us right, I think we decided to put all the bad things in the bonfireā¦hug it out and leave the ashes behind. Not everything has to be lost in the fire. Each thing we throw in should be a sign of a rebirth of at least two beautiful things. For every hurt put in the fire, a stronger love and bond should have ascended in the airā¦breathing life into even the most lifeless situations. At least thatās what I hopeā¦.~KJM on Throwback remembering the āFIRSTSā and all the painfully beautiful lessons that followed.
The Beautiful Beard Wore White (The Ultimate Betrayal Edition)
I started to write this blog then stopped myself several times. This is one of the worst possible times to express my feelings on this topic (in wake of whatās going on in Orlando) but itās been heavy on my heart. Sunday night, I found out from my best friend, Zack, that an ex friend of ours (Tommy) is getting married soonā¦to a WOMAN. Now letās back it up. I was friends with Tommy for four years but all his lying and deceptive behavior killed our friendship shortly after we graduated from college. In college, he told so many lies about me that I lost trackā¦all while pretending to be a good friend to me. He treated Zack like scum too but poor Zack had a hard time understanding the fact that Tommy is a piss poor excuse for a friend. To this day, Zack tries hard to forgive and understand Tommy. I can sort of understand why Tommy kept Zack at bay in his adult life. You see there was a time Tommy wasnāt staying at his apartment with his college roommate and we would call searching for him. He told Zack he was staying with Autumn and I in our EFFICIENCY apartment (wtf) and then told me he was staying at Zackās (who had a long term girlfriend living with him). Zack isnāt the type of person to let a lie slip by him. So he investigatedā¦only to find out Tommy had a MALE lover in Zackās building! Yes you read that right! Zack knocked on the dudeās door only to find him and Tommy answering the door in their boxers! Zack was so hurt he called me up yelling! We werenāt mad Tommy was gay/bi sexual but we were hurt by all his lies! I mean one time Tommy told me he got crabs from a hotel room! I actually went to the doctor with him to support him but looking back on itā¦Tommy was playing the hell out of us! In college, he had two girlfriendsā¦one before we found out he slept with men and one after. To my knowledge, he never told either that he also slept with men! When Zack and I confronted Tommy about his biggest lie (FYI he claims he is NOT GAY), he said he could never come out because he already had a younger brother openly gay (which his family loves and supports) and didnāt want to disappoint his family by not having at least one male carry on his family name. I just didnāt think this was a good reason to deceive anyone especially a loving familyā¦not to mention all the unsuspecting women who were being exposed to Tommyās unsafe sex practices! Before I could get in too deep into his web of lies, I ended my friendship with Tommy. Our friendship did not end because of his sexual orientationā¦it ended because Tommy tried to destroy me by spreading more lies about meā¦all while telling me our friendship would never be over. Heās just a lunatic! A selfish delusional lunatic! I have not spoken to nor had contact with Tommy since 2004. He never even showed up for Zackās wedding despite the fact that Zack was always flying out to different states and supporting all Tommy did. Now back to present timeā¦Since Zack gave me the news about Tommyās up coming nuptials (which he found out on FB through a mutual buddy) I have barely been able to sleep. Has Tommy become more truthful? Does his bride to be knows he also slept with men? I just keep thinking about her and asking the Lord to deliver her if she does not truly know who she is marrying! I have many gay friends. Some openly out/married and some that never talk about their personal life but just donāt date the other gender. I support people living in their truth! And I understand that we all hide things about ourselves but isnāt this level of deceit of high concern?! I keep thinking about her. Does she know? Does she want to know? I hear she is from Nebraska and the wedding will be in her home town. I pray a Nebraska wind comes through that shakes her spirit and raises her consciousness. I know itās none of my business but two boys (that I know of for sure) tried to make me their beard. God did not allow me to stay in those relationships past 3 months. HE sent a wind for me and when it hit my face (more so the second time as I was an adult then)ā¦I followed. I never questioned the angel that came to rescue me and I never looked back. We all deserve to spend our lives with our true soulmates. No one is ever perfect but I would rather we trust each other with our secrets and learn to build from there then to be lead to believe I married one person only to wake up looking at another. Once again, I know this is none of my business but itās so heavy on my heart and mind. Dear Miss Nebraska, I love you and I donāt even know you. I love you enough, as my sister, to pray for your deliverance. May that angel come visit you and may the force of the wind be so strong that your unborn children feel it. ~KJM askingā¦if it were youā¦would you want to know? Itās Hump Dayā¦please let me know how you feel as Iām so conflicted.