For months, I thought she was broken! I mean I ran into my hair salon yelling…she’s fucking broken on several occasions in the last 7 months! The owner of the shop assured me that my vagina was not broken. Elijah…just didn’t do it for me…in good times nor bad. We fought too much about who wanted control. He tried to take it and that left me…dry dry dry. I mean she wouldn’t even get moist off of a dirty sex scene in a movie. Nothing. Just there. Then the Ex Factor reappeared and she’s wetter than ever! Even if he isn’t around…just the thought of him makes her moist and ready to go. So yes she’s back! My vagina is in full swing! TMI I know but it is Charm School Monday and who charms better than a tight wet vagina?! Nothing and no one! So yes baby thanks for getting her in full swing!? ~KJM saying put me in coach on Charm School Monday!???
Archives for June 2016
This weekend it felt like the world had lost its mind. Love fell out the window and hate settled in. I am easily influenced by sad news so I solemnly laid in my bed all day as I read updates on the deadly shooting that took place in Orlando. I felt a tear fall from my eyes when it was reported that 50 people were dead…50 people were never going to see their loved ones again…and at least 53 others injured. I. Felt. That. Sadness. And it got me to reflecting on my own life. LOVE is the answer to every painful encounter. No greater feeling (Willow has been telling me this for years). But am I certain of the love before me? NO! However, I am certain that the Ex Factor is the one true love I have had up until this point in my life…but…I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing…that I am certain we should be working things out. No I am not certain. Who can be after being hurt, hurting their love, walking away at a moment’s notice, and learning to forgive each other for every painful mistake. Who in the world can be certain of that?! If you are looking for this great and perfect love story…STOP reading now because I cannot guarantee that. Love could kick my ass again. That’s what I signed up for…walking into the unknown…never knowing what each day may bring. My faith and my trust lies within myself and God…not him. Rebuilding to be better takes time and takes WORK. I am not sure if we were meant to do the work with each other. I am certain of NOTHING except for no matter the outcome…I will be okay. Over the years, I have trained myself to allow my mind to make all major decisions…not my heart. My mind got tired of Julio and Elijah. My heart was so exhausted (more so from Julio) that she let my mind rule. That’s how I have trained myself since I was 15 years old. I will admit that my heart is open in a way that I have never seen before but that could just be a symptom of timing or true love…only time will tell. I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing. It’s like I’m gambling in Vegas and I’ve just bet the house. I am taking a risk. I am gambling. I am breathing into the only true love I have ever had. I could walk away with everything or nothing. But that’s what you do in love. Of course, I have one caveat…there has never been a man that I have chosen over myself. So because I know it is in my nature to choose ME even when it is not easy to do so…I shall bet the house.?? Anyone who tells you they are certain really mean that they are certain in this moment and time. They can’t really be saying they are certain from here to eternity. Eternity is God’s work…not humans. So no I’m not sure and I have no clue what I am doing. Truth be told, I have never stuck it out with any man. I left Julio so many times over a 10 year span (too many times for me to count and some of those times he deserved to be left) that we only ended because he left me once….our final break up. From there I fell out of love and then out of like that when he wanted to work things out…my heart had permanently moved on. I’m not sure if I’m built for marriage and a family but that doesn’t mean that I do not believe in them. I am just not sure what my story holds. I am open to having it all with God’s blessings (with the Ex Factor) or having none of it. The Ex Factor is my heart’s desire but only time shall tell if it was really meant to be. So please stick with me on this unknown journey…realizing that I do not know all the answers. I do, however, have the key to a bunch of questions. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
Well here we are again on this beautiful Serenity Saturday! Have you been good to yourselves this week? Have you had moments where you lost AND found yourselves? ME too! Glad we are in this together. Now let’s get to what we came here for: SERENITY. This week has had so many ups and downs…especially dealing with Elijah’s odd behavior. After thinking it over, I’m sure Elijah never had real feelings for me. I’m just a possession to him. I wonder if he realizes that I belong to no one but GOD and myself?!?? All of his antics are that of a dog sensing someone is peeing on his tree. Sir, have several seats! You have no property on this lot so please take you and your ego…and keep it moving! This brings me to a topic that’s been plaguing women since the dawn of time: how to keep a man. Now let me be clear here…I don’t ever worry about keeping a man because I learned early in life from Papa and Mama Michaels that you cannot keep someone who does not want to be kept! You can fuck a man front ways, side ways, and go both ways and he will still leave your ass! What makes a man truly love, respect, and commit to a woman…only that man knows. I’ve been left and I’ve done the leaving…even more so. Shit happens. I’m not selling my soul for someone who was never down for me to begin with. Matter of fact, I’m not selling my soul for anyone! From this point on, the references I make in this blog go to specifically “dating” a man because I’ve never been married. I can’t speak on what I do not know and marriage is one area I do take seriously and am careful not to make any assumptions. Now back to DATING A MAN! The entire 7 months I dated Elijah, he fucking complained that his woman/future wife should be doing this and that. He was mad I wouldn’t cook for him. Um…you want dinner?! Where the fuck is my ring bitch?! BOTH Papa and Mama Michaels taught me to be independent and to cater to my fucking self. If I told them I was cooking for a boyfriend because he DEMANDED it…my papa would hold me down while my mama gave me blows to my head! We did not come to America for all of that! I’m no servant! Now ladies if YOU WANT TO COOK for your man…by all means do! My point is in the dating world (I will bet money here in the marriage world too but I got to check in with Toi, Grace, and Willow on this) nothing domestic nor otherwise should be demanded. You do things for each other out of love…not control! While Elijah was reciting his list, he never thought about how he came up short in my expectations for a partner. I’m spoiled as fuck by Papa Michaels! When I travel, my daddy picks me up from the airport with curry chicken and rice waiting in the back seat for me! He knows I’ve been eating junk in whatever country/state I have been traveling from and am now desperately in need of a good home cooked meal! Now STOP THE PRESSES! I know no man will ever treat me as great as my father does. There’s nothing like a father’s love! But if a man wants to marry me…he better be able to step to my daddy with a set plan on how he will take over as my protector and my provider like my daddy has for 35 years! And I’m fucking serious about that! Feminist, I am but Queen, I am as well! Now Papa Michaels also raised me to not just get catered to but to also cater to the right man…not just ANY man! Some of y’all out there like a woman scorned because you laid on your back, paid all his bills while he CHOSE not to work, washed his dirty draws, destroyed your bodies for him, and he still left you! Baby girl, you ain’t got nobody to be mad at but yourself! ?? You bought into this you must “keep a man” poisonous thought process and got burned. This is a good time to remind you that a husband is very different than a boyfriend. If you get nothing else from all the blogs I write…take that point with you! Who is worried about keeping you? Who is putting in the work for you? Who truly loves you? Better worry about keeping YOURSELF FIRST! So no I never made Elijah dinner nor gave in to his crazy way of thinking and now look whom is chasing whom?! No man respects a doormat! I learned that from the men in my family! Doormats are only for getting walked on! No one gives them a second thought after they have been stepped on. So don’t allow some man to set your standards for what kind of girlfriend you want to be. Don’t let him “tame the shrew!” If there is any taming to be done…that’s for you to do by choice. I don’t think I could have loved the Ex Factor anymore than when he said…he will not even try to tame me! That was his way of saying…he loves me as is! And let me tell you a secret…the other day the Ex Factor was coming home from the gym and I got his bath wash out and was waiting at the door with his wash cloth and towel. And no I wasn’t prompted to do it. He’s done more than that for me in the past. So I have learned that I can cater to a man…only it has to be one that also caters to me. I’m not sure what the future holds for us but I’m trying to listen more, love more, and learn how to communicate better than I ever have before. And while I’m scared of the hard times that are sure to come our way, I’m preparing myself to “love him even harder and forgive him more easily through it all” as my good friend Grace recommended. Shit ain’t easy. It’s never going to be. But the only person I can work on is myself! And only I can decide what changes need to be made for me to be a better woman. No man sets the standards for that. Don’t ever let one fool you into thinking so. So the next time an Elijah-like man (or even worse a broke down dude) approaches you with a laundry list of how to keep him…tell him to put some “RESPEK” on your name and then tell him to go FUCK off! You ain’t his mama! ~KJM saying in my Birdman voice…“Put Some RESPEK On My Name” on this Serenity Saturday! Y’all feel serene after all those fucks I dropped?! Representing JA and NJ to the fullest?
Well now this is some new shit! Yesterday as I was going to meet one of my coworker friends…I bumped into Elijah in the hallway. By now I’m sure you figured out that we sometimes work together…though never directly and we are equals. Anyways…he had this huge smile on his face and then he Hi 5 me! At the time, I didn’t think much about it. I met my friend and then my work day continued on. A few hours later, it occurred to me that that fool shouldn’t have been smiling like that at me because we aren’t friends! Then like lightning striking your favorite cartoon character, I realized that Elijah got me good! Back in the Fall when we first started dating, I came up with the Hi 5 as a way of symbolizing a passionate kiss when we were in public places or professional environments! It was our form of foreplay! At first Elijah hated it. He’s bold that way to want to kiss and touch in professional environments but I wasn’t having it. Guess now the Hi 5 is his thing. Poor thing hasn’t heard my Kitty Kat purr since November and has now resorted to the Hi 5! FML! Elijah=1 and Kingston=0. Don’t worry though…I’m all caught up. Elijah, I’ve been so happy and in love that you like…don’t matter. As a matter of fact, you are a constant reminder that I made the right choice. I feel like I’m flying! My heart’s desire for the last 6 years has always been the Ex Factor. Elijah=-1 and the Ex Factor=100000000. I’m with a man that told me that he isn’t trying to tame me. A man who accepts me…flaws and all. So you sir need to let go. And please turn that Hi 5 around and smack your face….before I do! I broke things off with you long before the Ex Factor reentered my life. But he was always with us and you knew that. That’s why you spent 7 months trying to control me and it didn’t work. Yes 40 years old is the new 12 for guys. Thank you for that constant reminder Elijah! Now keep your fucking hands to yourself before you lose a finger!?? Yesterday, I told this incident to Willow, Grace, Harmony, and my male bestie. Harmony’s comment hit the nail on the dot: “That’s funny…and just a little crazy!” Yes, that’s how I would describe Elijah…only I never laughed at any of his jokes!✌?️ ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying my Hi 5ing days have long been over. On to bigger and better things like cuddling with the man I love!?
It’s been a while since we have taking a spin through the Land Of Pimps And Hoes (Corporate America). Well hold on as we roll through my hood…OG (Original Gangsta) style! We all have them and for the most part…we all hate them…COWORKERS! Great coworkers can make even the most unbearable job…comfortable. Bad coworkers, however, can turn even the most pleasant places of employment into spirit sucking traps! My job is probably somewhere in the middle of that. Not the worst but always a constant reminder that I need more out of life. Here are the top 10 Things Coworkers do that almost makes me want to catch the Holy Ghost (And not in a good way) at work: 10. DO YOU EVER FUCKING WORK? I am working with a male coworker right now that only works 20% of the time yet makes the same amount of money as me! While I’m busting my ass…he’s on break after break eating snacks after snacks! What the fuck?! Worst part of it is my boss sees it and says nothing directly to him. I get so frustrated but what can I do? Except say SAT down sir and do some work before I catch the Holy Ghost!✌?️9. MISS I NEED TO SMELL YOUR FOOD AND ANNOUNCE WHAT YOU ARE EATING! Do I really need to tell this biatch that it’s fucking rude to be sniffing people’s food? And then to announce it?! Bitch why? Yea fuck saying biatch! SAT yourself down bitch before the next thing in my lunch bag is SHIT! ✌?️ 8. PICKING THEIR SKIN AND DARE I SAY IT…FLICKING DEAD SKIN?! I need a second before I can tackle this one. Perhaps a moment of silence before I lose it! If you sit right next to your coworkers, please do not pick ANYTHING off your body and flick it! This includes boogers! I’m so fucking grossed out that you need to SAT down twice!✌?️7. MISTER BOOGERS ALWAYS HANGING OUT HIS NOSE! It’s a huge turn off when I’m having a business lunch or having lunch with coworkers and there is a huge booger hanging out their nose. No I don’t want dressing for my salad! I need to be able to clearly see what the true ingredients were and what was just added by my nasty ass coworker! I know that sometimes shit happens and boogers surprise us but come on….some of you never check your nose! SAT down for real!✌?️ 6. THE GOSSIP! Ugh this one is one of the worst because he/she breathes such negativity into the work place. There’s always that one coworker that finds time each day to go around and spread other people’s business! SAT your ass down! You should be fired on the spot but as luck would have it…you are usually efficient when you are actually at your desk! After you SAT…get your ass back to your desk and do some motherfucking work before I lose it! ✌?️ 5. THE KISS ASS! This one’s head is so far up my boss’s head…I don’t even have a chance to tell her SAT down! I will just have to catch her on the way to the bathroom to relay the message! Everyone has to pee…even the Kiss Ass! How bout you SAT down in stall 1 and 2 while you there! ✌?️ 4. MISS KNOW IT ALL! I hate asking my boss a question and a coworker responds before my boss can. Is your name manager?! Better yet let me see your paycheck! Yea…that’s what I thought…we are still in the same pay grade! How about you SAT your ass down because not only are you NOT my boss but most of your responses are incorrect! ✌?️ 3. THE ANNOYING VOICE! This one I feel bad about because sometimes this coworker is super sweet. It’s just their voice sounds like fingernails against a chalk board!? I’m going to need you to SAT down QUIETLY! I got a fucking headache! ✌?️ 2. SMELLY! We all have coworkers who refuse to shower and/or brush their teeth. Yea that’s all I need to smell…a dead animal crawling out your mouth covered by…COFFEE! Bitch you tried it! My eye liner is running and I’m having a full blown allergic reaction to you! SAT your smelly ass down and wait for my doctor’s bill! ✌?️ 1. THE PERVERT! Out of all the culprit coworkers…this one is setting himself up to be fired FIRST and doing jail time SECOND! Female coworkers are not there for your personal pleasure and FYI ain’t nobody checking for your nasty ass at work no way! I don’t like you undressing me with your eyes, making inappropriate statements, and making sounds as I walk by! You are truly disgusting sir! I want you to SAT your ass down but not just anywhere….in a jail cell with Big Bubba as your cellmate…who loves him so you! You guessed it…he’s going to make overt unwanted advances at you whether you like it or not. Oh you SATTING DOWN now while covering your asshole?! ✌?️ ~KJM welcoming you guys back to the Land Of Pimps And Hoes on this Hump Day Wednesday! Toi, thanks for introducing me to “SAT DOWN.” I was rolling as I typed each one!?
We have just entered the arch nemesis of “Cuffing Season.“ Or as I like to call it…the “Speed Dating Season.” This is the season that makes me want to pull my tracks (extensions) out and run stalk naked crazy mad in the streets. It’s the “I’m closing out the bar for one night and trying to take your panties with me” season. Now for all the marrieds, especially Willow, who are happily married but love to reminisce about dating the way it never was (great…it was never fucking great), I say to you…stop the madness! Dating is and will always be a disaster…especially the older we get. It’s like only rejects or lunatics are left. Fuck…I’m not married so I may be referring to myself to some extent. Lunatic would be my title for sure. Then you got the unhappily marrieds pretending to be single. You got to make sure you don’t catch a case during this season because the heat got people acting like fools! To all my singles out there, here’s a guide to summer dating! Make sure to ask these questions and watch out for the nonverbal cues. If need be…RUN don’t walk to your next date. Single and ready to mingle?! Pack your birth control pills and condoms in your bags/wallets and prepare yourself for the JUNGLE of dating! “May the force be with you!” Here are my top 5 crazy, outrageous, and yet necessary questions to ask while dating in this season: 5. ARE YOU CURRENTLY MARRIED? YEA I AM GOING TO NEED TO SEE YOUR RING FINGER! It’s crazy to me when people aren’t honest about their current marital status. For me lying only prevents the inevitable…a brick in the face now or later?! Just kidding…kind of. ? It is important to ask this question even if you met the person on an online singles dating site. Don’t line yourself up to get GOT! Ask important questions upfront and quickly. 4. DO YOU HAVE A WIFE/WIVES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY?! Now y’all know I date internationally…so this question is a must. Don’t try to play the I am in the USA so I’m single hand with me…might get those hands broke by either me or one of your wives waiting for you overseas!?? 3. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? IF SO, DO YOU ACTIVELY TAKE CARE OF THEM?! I will never understand why a guy pauses on this question or looks like his memory has escaped him as if he is trying to remember if he has children? Fool, do you have kids or not?! Not a tough question! Ladies, if his answer is vague here….RUN! It’s just simply not a good sign. Same for you guys! Contrary to popular belief, there are dead beat moms! No sense in dating someone who doesn’t give a fuck about their DNA cause guess what?! If their children are low on their priority list…where do you think you and your possible future family will fall?! RUN! 2. CRIMINAL RECORD?! Now while it’s not good to judge a book by its cover…you definitely need to know if you are dating “Captain Smack A Hoe!” There are ways of doing background checks on your new boyfriend/girlfriend…starting with the fact that criminal records are public. If you know what state, county, or city to check….hop to it especially if your gut is telling something is off with your new boyfriend/girlfriend. 1. CONDOM USE! Now this may sound crazy but there are some folks who still don’t believe in safe sex even if they are having a one night stand. You would think these dummies would be smart enough not to say so but some just don’t care! So ask a dude…on a scale of 1 to 10…1 being NEVER and 10 being ALWAYS…how often do you use condoms?! Now they still may lie but since you can’t administer an STD test when having a spontaneous night of sex…asking may save you the trip to random baby daddy/baby mama land! I know a lot of people in the older generation who the one night stand got! You can enjoy your summer…SAFELY! Don’t expect others to look out for your health. That is your responsibility! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying whether you are looking for something serious or just some fun…wrap it up, enjoy speed dating the best you can, and remember it’s a jungle out there so don’t get got! Come prepared!??
The last two Serenity Saturdays, I have been dropping tea instead of reminding you to take a breath and embrace each task ahead of you. I hope that you liked the switch up! That’s just me. Always changing. Always having the need to surprise myself. Always breaking the mold. I’m not asking you to be a rebel like me. But what I am asking is that you take stock of your life and reach the once…unreachable. ?? I’m currently still on cloud 9 with the Ex Factor (still trying to come up with his new name). However, I want to let all my loyal readers know that I’m the Mary J, Blige of the blogging world…not a Keyshia Cole. No matter how happy Mary got…she never forgot how to tap into the pain and serve it to us. Keyshia, while I love her dearly, got happy, lost the ability to give us that pain we so yearn for, and then got unhappy but still managed to escape tapping into that good pain. Why is pain so important even the midst of happiness? It reminds us that we are alive. We feel. We lose. We love. We win. It’s like working for a degree for years and breaking down in tears of joy on graduation day. We earned that shit!?? It didn’t just fall into our laps. We cried. We mourned. We almost fucking destroyed ourselves. That’s the journey of my love with the Ex Factor. It is ugly. It is spirit breaking. It is soul sucking but that’s my man…that’s my love. What we have and are about to build are a product of our blood, sweat, and tears. There were times when one of us temporarily gave up while the other fought that battle silently. There were times I never thought I would feel this loved. There were times I knew my friends and family (minus Junior because he always believed in us) thought I had lost my fucking mind. I. Did. Feel. Insane. At. Times. But that’s OUR love. So many hurt words and broken promises. So many times I asked God to deliver me pass it. Instead HE took me through it even in times when I felt my spirit had long left my body! I kept saying the pain was too much to bare and HE said come on child…you were built for this. I left time and time again but what was mine was always waiting for me. My story will never be without pain because pain reminds me to breathe again. It reminds me that there will be times to inhale and exhale. I could only enjoy these happy moments to the fullest by reflecting on the years of sorrow. Pain should not cripple us. Pain should give us the push we need to fight for our lives…our love. So never…forget…the pain. And remember to breathe through it!?? ~KJM hoping to be the Mary J. Blige of the blogging world on this beautiful Charm School Monday.
Speaking on Elijah…every time I see him…he looks like he got himself into some bad….puss…yikes. ~KJM feeling quite serene on this Serenity Saturday!
My new season started off with a bang! And I currently feel like I’m soaring in the sky. It’s this amazing feeling that I haven’t had since summer 2010…when I first started dating the Ex Factor. Currently thinking of a new name for him…as he is my PRESENT.? Baby, if you are reading this blog…try not to judge me for writing down my past hurts. That was me then. I was being true to my pain but you have this extraordinary ability to heal what you have hurt and for that I’m forever grateful. The answer was always within US. I am loving this moment (even though I’m terrified). Track shoes down…heart open. Now to wrapping up some final business. I really want to thank that dude named Elijah for keeping me deeply in love with the Ex Factor. I would never have been so willing to listen to what the Ex Factor had to say if you hadn’t drained me with negativity and control. I’m free and I feel fucking great!?? Thank you for the 7 months of almost sexless relationship filled with arguing. My pussy was marinating for the love of my life. Thank you for the indirect put downs as if you were King Ding A Ling. I laughed and took all my good loving to my man. I don’t got to cook for him…I can just wear the food. But best believe I will cook him a meal without ever having to be asked because that’s how much I love that man. Thank you Elijah for showing me that 40 is the new 12 for men. Yes my eggs are happily ready to take hold of all that extra young sperm (26 years old to be exact). You will be the reason why we will multiple. So thank you! My man thanks you too for barely touching the merchandise and for keeping his spot luke warm. Also, he wants to thank you for all that “extra weight” I put on that you complained about. To him, I have a Coca Cola bottle shape that he loves. Did I mention he’s super fit?! Yea…guess you not the gym expert in your “mature” age. Thanks for pretending though. We laugh about that. And because of you…I run into his arms so passionately as if he had been at war for years….EVERY TIME I SEE HIM! ??The hunger I have for him…the thirst he quenched in me…well we couldn’t have gotten here without you! THANK YOU! Insert CLIMAX here.? Oh before I go, one more thing. Please stop trying to make me jealous on social networks and in our professional setting. Don’t care who you are sleeping with. I have my heart’s desire back. Who can worry about old dick when they are riding a pretty young stallion?! Not me sir. Not me at all. Grow up and act your age. Thank you for not being who and what you claimed to be. I now know older is not necessarily better. My future family is so grateful. I am now certain that the Ex Factor is my future and I will do the thing I never knew how to do until I met you…FIGHT. I will fight for the Ex Factor and I. I will not run. I will not cheat. I will breathlessly hand over my heart to him. I will live in passion and pain with him…knowing that we are still choosing each other every day! This month makes it 6 years of us dating. Won’t you congratulate us, Elijah?! ~KJM once again giving you a different vibe on Serenity Saturday. Hey I’m madly in love but I didn’t say I’m reformed from my pettiness! Lol?? I am a work in progress!
Heart pounding. He stood before me. I could see something that I never witnessed in all the previous years. The only man I’m certain I have loved with all of me (The Ex Factor)…standing before me with his heart in his hands. I could see the look of frustration on his face as if he were saying…why have we been separated for the last 9 months?! I had no answer. The only thing I could think of is I needed to be loved in a certain way that…I wasn’t. To be a priority…to know that I was HIS ONE. Yes I needed that. And maybe he needed to know from me that I wouldn’t bail this time on him no matter how hard things got. Neither of us can make any promises. I’m a runner in every sense of the word. But there was never any love strong enough to find me each time…until now. No love that could be renewed as if there was a death and a rebirth all at the same time. No love that could stand before me and convince me to try 1000 times. No there was no love strong enough to survive world wars and still bring hope of a family…of children….until now. I still see my children in his eyes. The children only he could make me want. I could still our future! We can’t promise that we will make it but even with the 8 million mistakes we have made, WE ARE STILL WILLING TO TRY. I can’t believe I’m even saying that or that I’m even here…in this space with him. But there was the love of my life in front of me and I could no longer see our mistakes. I felt myself shivering only this time he did not hesitate to keep me warm. I didn’t even have to ask. He was there with me. I was there with him. And we aren’t giving up. Before this all happened, I spoke with Junior and Willow. I needed their support. They are my day to day as well as many of my other friends and family. But they have always had the ugly task of wiping all the tears so if they were on board…I could meet the Ex Factor half way. And so I did. If you are part of my support system, I want to say thank you. Here’s another chapter. Ready to take my hands? I don’t know how to leap but if you all are holding my hands and are willing to catch me…I think I can do it. Not every woman was born to LEAP…I sure wasn’t. And I’m terrified but knowing you are there is enough to push me into the unknown faithfully. 1st Corinthians 13 tells me that “LOVE ALWAYS PERSEVERES.” That is part of GOD’s promise to us. I don’t know why I thought HE had forgotten me…~KJM taking a leap of faith on Throwback Thursday. ??