This weekend it felt like the world had lost its mind. Love fell out the window and hate settled in. I am easily influenced by sad news so I solemnly laid in my bed all day as I read updates on the deadly shooting that took place in Orlando. I felt a tear fall from my eyes when it was reported that 50 people were dead…50 people were never going to see their loved ones again…and at least 53 others injured. I. Felt. That. Sadness. And it got me to reflecting on my own life. LOVE is the answer to every painful encounter. No greater feeling (Willow has been telling me this for years). But am I certain of the love before me? NO! However, I am certain that the Ex Factor is the one true love I have had up until this point in my life…but…I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing…that I am certain we should be working things out. No I am not certain. Who can be after being hurt, hurting their love, walking away at a moment’s notice, and learning to forgive each other for every painful mistake. Who in the world can be certain of that?! If you are looking for this great and perfect love story…STOP reading now because I cannot guarantee that. Love could kick my ass again. That’s what I signed up for…walking into the unknown…never knowing what each day may bring. My faith and my trust lies within myself and God…not him. Rebuilding to be better takes time and takes WORK. I am not sure if we were meant to do the work with each other. I am certain of NOTHING except for no matter the outcome…I will be okay. Over the years, I have trained myself to allow my mind to make all major decisions…not my heart. My mind got tired of Julio and Elijah. My heart was so exhausted (more so from Julio) that she let my mind rule. That’s how I have trained myself since I was 15 years old. I will admit that my heart is open in a way that I have never seen before but that could just be a symptom of timing or true love…only time will tell. I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing. It’s like I’m gambling in Vegas and I’ve just bet the house. I am taking a risk. I am gambling. I am breathing into the only true love I have ever had. I could walk away with everything or nothing. But that’s what you do in love. Of course, I have one caveat…there has never been a man that I have chosen over myself. So because I know it is in my nature to choose ME even when it is not easy to do so…I shall bet the house.?? Anyone who tells you they are certain really mean that they are certain in this moment and time. They can’t really be saying they are certain from here to eternity. Eternity is God’s work…not humans. So no I’m not sure and I have no clue what I am doing. Truth be told, I have never stuck it out with any man. I left Julio so many times over a 10 year span (too many times for me to count and some of those times he deserved to be left) that we only ended because he left me once….our final break up. From there I fell out of love and then out of like that when he wanted to work things out…my heart had permanently moved on. I’m not sure if I’m built for marriage and a family but that doesn’t mean that I do not believe in them. I am just not sure what my story holds. I am open to having it all with God’s blessings (with the Ex Factor) or having none of it. The Ex Factor is my heart’s desire but only time shall tell if it was really meant to be. So please stick with me on this unknown journey…realizing that I do not know all the answers. I do, however, have the key to a bunch of questions. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.