I think about her sometimes. Is she okay? Has she eaten? What is her life like now? I still think about her sometimes…. Who is she? The woman that changed the direction of what could have been my forever. The woman Julio left me for in Summer 2007. I know. I know…it is so odd to think about a woman that lead to one of my greatest heartbreaks but I do. You see….out of every guy I have ever dated…I trusted Julio completely. This is why I never suspected anything when he suddenly dumped that crazy ultimatum on me…the summer after my first year of graduate school. Julio said it was either a family with him now (and maybe I could go back to school in a few years) or nothing. I chose my education. No regrets there. What’s for me will always be for me!!! Yet I think about her sometimes. It is not like she haunts me. That’s not how I think about her. To me, she’s like an associate from the past that I have never ever met. Matter of fact, I did not know of her existence for sure until October 2009, the Fall after I graduated from graduate school in NC. I graduated Spring of 2009. Not the best time to graduate after an economic recession but “still I rose.” Julio confirmed her existence when he resurfaced in October 2009. If memory serves me correct, they were just breaking up and he was in the process of moving out of her house. What her? The woman he left me for. The summer he broke my heart, Summer 2007, I never thought it was because of another woman. That is how much I trusted Julio! I thought….he has always wanted marriage and a family….and I never did (in all the years we dated). We knew this when I was 15 and he was 16. It also never occurred to me that Julio gave me such a horrible ultimatum because he knew me well enough to know what my answer would be! Julio knew how important my education was to me. How important it was for me to always find my own way. Listen to my own voice. He knew…so he did the cowardly thing and lied to me….instead of saying…hey I met someone at work here in NJ and I think our ideals are more aligned. That shit would have hurt twice as much as his ultimatum but at least the truth would have set me free. I probably would have cried less over him because you cannot make a man stay anywhere he does not want to. Matter of fact, same goes for strong women! You cannot hold us down. Sad truth is…even a weak man chooses himself while it takes a strong woman to choose herself! Madness! Yet I think about her sometimes. Why? From what Julio told me, she was an older woman. They fell in love and tried to have children. She had several miscarriages until she gave birth to a stillborn baby. I do not remember the baby’s gender. I cannot remember if Julio shared that piece of information with me. But he shared enough. Enough for me to be devastated more so for her than him. From what I could gather, Julio left her because she could not have children. Maybe there was more to the story. But when I heard that…my 28 year old heart sank for that woman. What a cruel reason to leave her. If it was true love, he should have stuck it out. Yes I was campaigning for the woman who encouraged Julio to break my heart. We women have to stick together! Plus she had to have loved him deeply to continuously try to give him children that she ultimately could not bare! My heart breaks every time I think of all she endured! I mean living through my grief in Summer 2007 was no easy task but even with all the crying and giant Hershey bar eating…I survived that shit. I AM STILL STANDING! Julio shattered my heart but he did not break me. I completed my education and right under his nose I fell deeply in love with someone else, the Ex Factor. That was Summer 2010. It was a defining summer. Three years later after Summer 2007, I would love again. I would hope again. And for the first damn time in my entire life…I would continuously dream of my son’s face. None of that could have happened without this woman. She changed the trajectory of my life. She saved me from entering marriage and family life BY FORCE. Without her, I would never have dreamt of having a family. A dream I never ever thought was possible with Julio!!!! And just that dream alone is worth the heartbreak I went through in Summer 2007! Up until almost three years ago, when Julio was still trying to come back into my life, I told him that that lady was most likely the love of his life and he should have never ever left her because she cannot have children. The fucking children he STILL DOES NOT have to this day! What a fucking mess that Julio is. Last I checked, more like he checked, Julio was still sadly unmarried with no children. I truly hope that has changed for him though a huge part of me instinctively knows that it has not. Julio is probably still the same selfish and self centered motherfucker he has always been!!!!! Yet I think about HER sometimes. I hope she has found happiness. Found someone to love her as is. Maybe even finally had children of her own whether they are biologically hers or not. I hope Sis really found that kind of eternal love that would not abandon her ever again! Yes! Yes! Yes! I know I’m special for thinking so positively about a woman that did me so much harm. But I look at it like she freed me at a time I could not free myself. I look at it like she exposed the real Julio. If there was no her, I would not have experienced half the good (AND bad) I have experienced in love and dating since Summer 2007. She freed me and I am forever grateful but don’t go thinking I’m a saint. No…I am not because while I think about her sometimes…sometimes my thoughts are ‘I don’t know the bitch, never met the bitch, but I sure wish that bitch a better life than the one she stole from me!’ Lol! Hey…I am only human. Lol. ~KJM reminiscing on Flashback Friday. One love!
Archives for June 2020
The world has gone mad in a million different ways. Covid is sweeping the globe…trailing slowly behind systematic racism. Most of us are locked up in our homes. I am locked up in my home. When it rains…it pours. And I am just standing there without a damn umbrella. My family and I have had a couple of losses due to COVID 19. As if the grime weeper chilling near by was not enough….the world is finally starting to see that Black Lives Matter. With all that is going on, I feel I have no right to write this blog but I must write it. This past weekend I got some news that rocked my world. Not fully ready to share it because in the grand scheme of things…it may be a small loss to most people…but for me…it is fucking major. The floor from under me has just collapsed and I have no one to catch me! The world has truly gone mad and I am all alone in my feelings. This is not the first nor second time I have been here. SUMMER 2007 (See blog post with same title) and the first FIVE months in 2013, it felt like I lost my fucking mind. There I was…broken-hearted and in a sea of fucking pain by myself. Not eating, not moving, crying, and wrapped up in all my feelings. It felt like I was going insane! But each time, I had friends and family to support me. This time…it seems like everyone is hurting. Everyone has their own shit going on and I am just left to lay in all my filthy feelings….that I feel guilty for even having. I mean there are people out there protesting and risking their lives so that my life can matter. There is unemployment. There is poverty. There are injustices. Yet I, KJM, dare to lay here in all my filthy feelings and do what?! FUCKING FEEL MY FEELINGS! Do you know what it is like to really feel a feeling. And no I am not talking about happiness! Most of us would gladly revel in that type of emotion! I am talking about the shit you try to avoid when you are awake but haunts you when you are sleeping! THAT SHIT! YES! FEEL…IT! I can honestly understand why some folks turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, or any unhealthy addiction to get numb! Fortunately, I have great skin, a small budget that focuses on travel, hair, and makeup, and a huge food budget that loves brownies and cookies…thus, I really do not have the time nor the funds to develop such addictions. I suggest you also avoid unhealthy addictions!!! Once thing I have learned from loved ones who buried their feelings in addiction is that they now had two demons to battle….their addiction and the initial feeling they were trying to run away from! That’s fucking right! Bury the feeling and the shit becomes an even bigger problem! So what are we going to do….we are going to sit with out shit, roll around in it, and make peace with the stench!!! That is really the only way to tackle our feelings. Deal with that motherfucker head on! So it’s SUMMER FUCKING 2020 and I’m heartbroken….laying in my shit, trying to navigate it, hoping to handle it better than I did in Summer 2007 and the first 5 months of 2013. Only each time I was younger, had things to look forward to, and a had a support system of strong people who loved me enough to hold me up. People to get me out of bed. People to force me to eat anything….even if it is only a GIANT Hershey bar (Summer 2007) or Pilsbury chocolate chip cookies (my mom knows that’s really the only thing I will eat when I am depressed…so she has made sure my fridge has been stacked with Pilsbury tubs from BJs so far through this pandemic). I have cried to my parents, my siblings, my aunty P, Nicole, Harmony, and Grace. I wake up heavy hearted each morning…struggling to get out of bed. I want to be numb yet I know from those other two experiences that I have to FEEL MY FEELINGS even if doing so feels like it will destroy me. And this time…it really does feel like it will destroy me for I am trapped in my apartment, alone, and laying in my filthy feelings. I should be crying about poverty. I should be crying about unarmed black people being gunned down by racists. I should be crying about the state of our economy and its effects on marginalized communities. I should be…I should be…I should be feeling something more deeper than a broken fucking heart. The thing is….the bigger world issues can really swallow us up if we are not careful. These are atrocities that no one person can solve. It’s a unity thing. We have to unite together to battle racial injustices, climate change, and poverty. Yet the state of our hearts can set a lot of these things in motion. Like are we angry or are we in love? Are we open? Or are we closed off? Are we accepting? Or are we judgmental? It is crazy how the state of ones heart and mind can have a ripple effect into the world. Am I choosing to speak love to all around me or am I hiding from it? It…is….all…so….personal. Here I am….feeling my feelings and wondering if it will truly set me free. What is the IT I am referring to? Like if I had the guts to say from day one you have been my person. I don’t like to admit it nor show it. You have been my rock over the last 10 years as much as you have been my heartache. I do not see you in a perfect light. I fell in love with you on an imperfect July 2010 day. Sun showers. Right there overlooking the Tappan Zee Bridge. You are my person. What in the ever loving fuck does that mean? It means that even on our darkest days and in our longest separations….there is no one else I would want to call husband and the father of my children (that I never planned on having til I laid eyes on you). YOU ARE MY PERSON. No one knows what the next chapter holds for us and I am not good at the things most women are. I do not know how to vocalize what I feel…I can only hope that in the moments we have left (hopefully more years to come even with all the obstacles), that you feel it. My touch says it. My frustrations say it. You are my person. And if I was being truly honest with myself….there was never any other man that could come close to you. ~KJM is feeling the feeling on Throwback Thursday. Shout out to all the people I reached out to that are doing their best to support me…even though they have their own shit going on. One Love 💙