Year 2019. Present Day. The last chapter (I hope) of this saga and the first chapter of the rest of my life. I started off the year with my sister on the Island of Saint Thomas. We island hopped from the US VI (Saint Thomas and Saint John) to the British VI (Virgin Gorda, Norman Islands, and Josh Van Dyke). IT WAS THE BUCKET LIST TRIP I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED! ?? My deep wave curls parasailed, swam in the ocean and sea, night kayaked, and beach hopped as my spirit soared at such beautiful sights. I was at peace and at home. This island gyal had her phone on airplane mode for most of the excursions. I forgot all about the hustle and bustle of the city and I just let the ocean speak to me. My lipstick choices were from Too Faced Cosmetics (Lady Balls and Mrs Roper) and Mac Cosmstics (Blue Bang). My soul was glowing. It felt like everything that had held me back and hurt me in 2017 and 2018 no longer had power over me. Almost a decade of emotional weight had been lifted off of me and…I feel very optimistic about my future. The ocean spoke to me and said “you will be a wife (something you had never intended to be) as long as you continue to move forward.” And I simply responded…I am getting ready. ~KJM dropping Chapter 10 and the last chapter of this saga…on Serenity Sunday. What a journey this has been! To write 10 chapters in one week with a hectic work schedule and on top of my daily Black History Month posts!?? To all the writers out there, never stop writing. Not everything will be a masterpiece but in each chapter your soul with find peace.
Archives for February 2019
Year 2018. The hardest year yet. My family endured so much heartache in 2018 but we are still standing. Year 2017, I had so much anger towards the Ex Factor. I am ashamed of that. I am better than that. In 2018, the Ex Factor was not even a real factor. I mean he was in my life but not important. I think he took so much from me in 2017, that I had nothing left to give…not even anger. Just wanted us to finally be over. My family needed me and the Ex Factor had nothing to offer in real life…not even a consoling shoulder. He’s just a selfish creature who lacks empathy. ? So I battled hardship with my family. My weight spiked up to 200 pounds!? I have never been that large in my life. I regrouped like a mama who needed to make sure she didn’t sacrifice herself while trying to take care of her cubs. ?? Every single day of 2018 was excruciating but I stepped forward with grace and style. My lipstick colors continued to boom…this time Fenty Beauty (Freckle Fiesta and Midnight Wasabi) and Too Faced Cosmetics (Lady Balls, The Real Teal, I Wanna Rock With You, Wicked, and Mrs Roper) took front stage. I wore them from Vegas (twice) to the Big Island in Hawaii to the US and British Virgin Islands (where I ended 2018 and began a peaceful 2019). I switched out my straight hair for big deep wave curls. I was stepping into my true island being and I had no time for negative energy. There were downs and downs (can’t even say there were ups in 2018) with the Ex Factor. My suffocation continued. I could not breathe. I felt trapped but the moment my life priorities shifted to the real important people in my life (my family and friends) it became clear that I could not stay here. I could not continue to entertain what the Ex Factor had become…a cruel passive aggressive version of the “Netflix and Chill” generation. ??♀️ I needed out. His touch was beyond foreign. I started to invite him to my bed less. Disgusted. Completely disgusted with him and this whole long drawn out waste of almost a decade! So I told him the truth…I am no longer attracted to him. I no longer long for his torture much less his touch. I love him (well the him I thought I knew) but I no longer wanted him. I WAS FREE! ?? And it was an amazing feeling. What was meant to kill me…to kill love…had not…could not…for only God is love! HE is the giver and taker of love. The Ex Factor had no such power! So I released myself and became naked. Naked in all 200 pounds of me. I walked in the nude with love in my heart. I AM STILL THRIVING! ?? I STILL BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND LOVE IS A MIRACLE!!! ? ~KJM dropping Chapter 9 on Serenity Saturday. One more chapter to go…how are you enjoying the series?
Year 2017. It is currently 4am. I am exhausted but I want to complete this series. This is the only time I have to write. 2017 was much like this morning…exhausting. I ended 2016 and began 2017 in San Francisco. It was a great start to the year with some 2016 feelings.? My hair was bone straight with a huge part to the side that covered my right eye. I was in full swing of experimenting with lipstick colors from Urban Decay (JUNKIE), NYX (DISORDERLY CHAOTIQUE), Mac Cosmetics (BLUE BANG made its premiere), and Too Faced Cosmetics (WICKED)! My skin was glowing from coast to coast. ? I felt sexy. And I was just that. SEXY! ?? Little did I know how painful 2017 (and 2018) was going to be. This chapter is quick and painful just like the year. Once back on the East Coast, my work schedule got so crazy that I was working over 90 hours a week. Knowing what was ahead of me and the work commitment I had made, I told the Ex Factor that he could leave me for I now had no time for dating (especially fake dating a f*ck boy). Ouch! This may sound like bitterness but it really isn’t. It was and is a fair assessment after I tell you how he emotionally/verbally dragged me through the year. ? Back to 2017. I told him he could leave me and date other women BUT he can’t date me AND them! And I meant every word. Work had to come first. The Ex Factor said he had no desire to leave me and would work with my hectic schedule. ??♀️ This was the year that the Ex Factor lost the ability to even make me happy for an hour. Even if I f*cked him (I guess out of habit), I would immediately be disgusted with him first AND then with myself next. 2017 was the year I started to loathe him!!! ? Why? Oh let me tell you why! On top of a crazy work schedule, my father was battling cancer! ?❤️ The day before my Daddy’s surgery, I asked the Ex Factor if he was waiting on a better love to do right by because he sure wasn’t doing right by me!!! This motherfucker (I am not going to bleep out this curse word because he fucking earned it) had the nerve to tell me that he has NEVER been IN love with anyone but has love for me?!!! Motherfucker what?! Motherfucker who?! This is the same bitch that stayed with your broke trifling ass for YEARS and still treated you well! And to hit me with such news the day before my dad’s surgery (which I had recently told him about)!!!! What trash! I was in love with trash! I am now vacationing at Fuck Boy nation. ??♀️ I dropped one tear (privately) and then I told that lazy not even good for a fuck motherfucker that I don’t give a damn about love or no love but his ass better be there for me on the day of my dad’s surgery or there will be blood! ??? I don’t play when it comes to my family! My whole body became numb but my spirit was on fire!!! ??? From that moment on, I started to lose respect for him and tried to escape the mess I found myself in. I am ashamed there is even a Chapter 9 (Year 2018) with this fool! ??? Before I forget, the Ex Factor did check in on the day of my dad’s surgery but I didn’t need him. A male friend and I texted all day from the moment my family and I drove to upstate New York (where the surgery was taking place) up until my dad was in recovery! I cannot thank my male friend (who lives in DC) and all my other friends who held me down during this difficult time! To God Be the Glory…my father is still in remission! ?????? After Daddy was okay, I continued my solo travels and ended up going to Vegas THREE times this year! I ended 2017 and started off 2018 in Vegas with Harmony. Despite his taking back his I love you (he really could have kept that fake shit in the first place), the Ex Factor latched on like any abuser would to his victim! What a fucking year! ~KJM dropping Chapter Eight on Flashback Friday. This was by far the hardest chapter to write because clearly I was not loving myself enough to escape this fool. Currently, I am writing you from a wiser and stronger place. What does not kill us often times does make us stronger. Oh one more thing, a man who treats a woman like this is not one fit to lead for he is no man…just a boy. And this is clearly someone who doesn’t love himself because for the first time since I met him in 2010, I finally saw him…the way he saw himself…a boy not worthy of me (or any good woman for that fact)!!! I really hope and pray he does better and grows up. It would break my heart if I heard that another woman had to go through what I did…just like it did when Julio told me how horrible he had been to his ex girlfriends and ex fiancés! ???♀️ IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: this is the year Willow and my friendship really started to fall apart. She was NOT there for me when I needed her. I visited Chicago TWICE the year before to support her on a risky pregnancy and her postpartum. Where were you when my Dad was battling cancer? I barely got calls much less texts. If you are reading this, you should never wonder why we are no longer friends…
Year 2016. The year I discovered and committed to the Smokey eye. The year I started wearing makeup and lipstick that exemplified my multiple personalities. ? Designer Blue by Mac Cosmetics was my break out lipstick! ? 2016! The year I learned to love wearing the color white. The year I was in full swing of my own personal Vegas residency and it really became my second home. The year learned how to be the master of my own destiny. The year….the Ex Factor….finally told me he loved me. ? Hold up! Let’s back it up so you can get some clarity on that last 2016 declaration. As I mentioned before in Chapter 6, I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months. It was the LONGEST 7 months of my life. He had some crazy controlling cheap ways and I just cannot be controlled. ✌? Beat it Elijah! ? After I broke things off with Elijah, I focused in on myself. I celebrated weddings and baby showers with close friends (that now seem so distant). I travelled to Chicago (TWICE), Orlando, and Vegas (TWICE). I showed up for my friends even when I had no exciting news to share. I stayed present in my life. Despite it all, it was a good life. ?? At a wedding weekend in Orlando, I met a guy that was a friend of my male friend getting married. When I got back to Jersey, I requested his info from mutual friends. He is Indian and I am black. Not a traditional couple but that was actually the same racial dynamics of the bride and groom.❤️ I was going to take some serious time off from dating but something said…you have to move on. It’s not like you loved Elijah. So I moved forward and the Indian guy and I went on one date in May 2016. He came to NYC to see me. I met up with him after I attended a day party with my family in the city. He was cool but right away our HUGE differences stuck out. He was Hindu (though non practicing), allergic to seafood (there goes my Red Lobster Endless Shrimp days?), AND he did not eat meat! ? This is ignorant as f*ck but I can’t do without my shrimp and jerk/fried chicken! ? He also lived in Philly and hoped to move back to NC in a few years. Yea…I’m not going back South unless it’s to visit. I am a NORTH EAST woman and that’s how I want to stay. So too many differences for us to even give it a chance. ??♀️ After that, I just decided that not dating for a while was not a bad idea. I can catch my breathe and focus on all my Vegas laughter and fun with Harmony. With my birthday right around the corner, I started planning my week in Vegas. Randomly, I got a text from the Ex Factor. I had not heard from him since November 2015 (had him on block for a few months to give me and Elijah a fighting chance). The Ex Factor and I caught up like two old friends. It never even occurred to me that I could take him back. I was okay with our failed romance. I had made peace with most of it. When the conversation was ending, he asked if he could see me and I declined by saying that I loved him but I was okay with loving him from afar. ?? Or so I thought. ??♀️ He then replied that he loved me too! That threw me for a loop because in all these years, love had never been in his vocabulary. ??♀️ As a matter of fact…it was barely in mine. To this day, I HAVE NEVER TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM IN PERSON!!! ??♀️??♀️ Julio and I always told each other we loved each other (since high school) but Julio fell FIRST. So he expressed his love openly and easily. It took me about a year (after he told me he loved me) to get that comfortable with telling Julio I loved him. ? Yea I always had intimacy issues! ??♀️? Back to 2016! When I came back from my Vegas birthday trip, the day my plane landed in Jersey to be exact, I agreed to see the Ex Factor. ??♀️? When I laid eyes on him…it was like no time had passed. It was like that scene in the first “Sex and The City” movie when Carrie went to pick up her shoes and Mr. Big was in their apartment….collecting them so he could send them to her. They embraced with no words and it was LOVE. ❤️❤️❤️ WE MADE LOVE. And I had my lover back. Through every intense stroke…it felt like the first time. The first time I knew I loved him and the first time we slept together. My lover was home and I was ready to explore him and let him explore me. My puss was tight and ready. Hey….I stayed with Elijah for 7 months but I cut the cookie off from him in November 2015!!!! Yup! ? So from December 2015-April 2016 (month of our break up), Elijah didn’t get as much as a hand job from me! ?? But I digress! My lover was home and we were in love…until we weren’t…~KJM dropping Chapter 7 on Throwback Thursday aka Valentines Day 2019. Love to love you baby! ?
Year 2015. THE YEAR I ENDED MY OBSESSION WITH BLUE/GREEN EYESHADOW!!!! ?????? Praise be! 2015 was also another year of big change for me. Randomly, within 48 hours, I moved back to New Jersey from Richmond! BEST decision I made in a long time. I think I left the eyeshadow in Richmond and began anew in New Jersey. Oh wait….let me back it up. I think I missed telling you something important. In 2014, I left off with listening to his pointless voicemail. ? From there, I unblocked him and we started communicating again. ??♀️??♀️??♀️ I know this shit is getting to be OBSESSION NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN! ? Like a reoccurring vaginal infection (surprising and uncomfortable yet mostly harmless) he appeared back in my daily life. ??♀️ Somehow we started making Valentines 2015 weekend plans! ? When men haven’t had a taste of that good good in a long while, they will agree to almost anything. ?? And so we began planning our three day weekend. I am not sure what the hell I was thinking but I rolled with it. The weekend itself was the best VDay we had ever had though there were some bumps in the road. Unbeknownst to him, he made me cry that weekend. I NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF ROMANTIC LOVERS or any lover for that fact. ?? But I am much like my mama, in this instance, that if you make me cry, I’m gonna lay your ass out right after! ?? Child, I laid into him right after we watched “50 Shades of Grey.” In proper Jersey fashion, I didn’t give a f*ck who could have seen it or heard it. In Jersey (and Kingston, Jamaica) we turn all the way up when you cross us. ???? Then I told his ass he better not be sleeping next to me tonight because I hold grudges! ????? Somehow, we made it to dinner and still salvaged the weekend! Shout out to my baby bro, Junior, for driving in the snow to come check on me. One thing about my crazy family….one of the men will show up in a minute if they think someone is hurting one of their baby girls! ??? But I digress. From Valentines Day until Mother’s Day weekend (yes we had an amazing Mother’s Day weekend even though I am not a mom), he made me happy for the most part. By Mother’s Day, I had relocated back to Jersey and I was in my element. I felt strong, I felt at home, I felt confident, and I felt like if he showed his ass….I would be out. ✌?✌?✌? And so it was said and so it was done. In February, the Ex Factor lost his job. He was pretty positive about finding a new job up until June. Then I started to see different sides of him. I kept telling him that I got him….that if one of us had it, we both got it. I wanted to repay the favor of being there for him the way he was there for me when I was at my lowest (2010-2012) but he never allowed me to truly be there. And his male pride and ego, broke us even more. By September 2015, Elijah had stepped to me. At first I told him that I had a situation and if I didn’t anymore, I would consider him. Truthfully, I never wanted Elijah. I just wanted to feel appreciated. Things fell apart and I took Elijah up on his offer. That is…after I let the Ex Factor go. (FYI. I stayed with the Ex Factor until he got a job!!!) Old me would have kept them both but new me that had survived a severely broken heart and a random relocation, was wiser. Just ONE. I would keep just one of them. Too bad neither was worth keeping! ???♀️ I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months…not because I was truly in to him but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in a stable relationship. But that dude Elijah was a lunatic. I don’t like to date crazier than me. After my asshole healed (see all blogs and podcasts on Elijah for reference ????♀️). I was out. ✌? Single and dating slowly, I started trying other cultures out (again). Met a really nice Indian dude but it was just bad timing. Oh wait! This was really in 2016….stay tuned. ~KJM dropping Chapter 6 on Hump Day. How are you guys enjoying the series so far? ❤️
Year 2014. Everything was hazy for me. I was in Richmond working…yet…I saw him over the holidays (2013). He still felt like home. How is that even possible with all that I have been through? I travelled….this time to Houston and Chicago to visit college friends. If you remember nothing else from chapters 4 and 5, please remember how important friendships are!!! I am lost yet my friends are helping me to find my way. God bless them for it. ❤️I made great friends in Richmond as well as deepened some friendships I had had for over a decade. From the outside, I was now struggling to hold onto my blue/green eyeshadow.? It felt like him….familiar AND strange. Yet I have not completely outgrown my eyeshadow nor my love for the Ex Factor. I think this is the year I finally made peace with some of the romantic mistakes the women in the older generation of my family made. For it was now my turn…to truly love a f*cking fool. But I won’t let him destroy me for he is just a boy and I am a queen. In 2014, I aimed to step into my destiny without him clouding my mind. It wasn’t easy but I finally broke away. Being over 340 miles away helped. Soon I put him on my block list and I emerged in a sea of black and white styles in the city of Chicago. I danced the nights away with Willow and I soaked up life without him. “No boyfriend, No problem” was what one of my Chicago (and Vegas 2013) dresses read. My dresses were either missing a sleeve or showing off my beautiful legs or BOTH! My mama always said I had amazing legs! So I show them…from the south west to the mid west to back to Richmond. I emerged. I stepped forward! ??Phoenix did hold my hand a little but I never allowed him to be my foundation. After all, that is not what I was in Richmond for. Matter of fact….why the f*ck had I accidentally moved there? Oh yea…the universe gave me no choice. I was meant to live this chapter out in Richmond and I had such amazing friend groups. I could breathe again. I could be me again. I…could…stop loving him? Still I am in a haze but I am crying less and smiling more. His texts are still reminders of my love for a jerk who just could not appreciate me. So the last couple months of the year, I kept him blocked on my phone. Somehow, he figured out how to get around the block and over the holidays (2014), he left me a voicemail. He never calls…for he is a texter. ? Ugh my next boo better love phone calls! ?? When I finally saw the voicemail pop up, I realized he had left it a few weeks before. With no plans of listening to it, I felt the sensation of anger creep up on me. How dare he still make contact when I made it clear that I did not want to hear from him! This was MY time! How dare he?! I mean I wanted to let him know that I am the type of woman that men line up to wipe my ass…if need be. Lol. I’ve woken up to breakfast in bed, came home to receive “just because” flowers, I have been wined and dined, and I have been the RECEIVER of pleasure of every sexual act I’ve experienced while away from him. I have made lust in a million positions since I walked away from his touch. I am the type of woman that men don’t say no to. That’s really what I wanted to yell into the phone. But when I finally listened to his voicemail, it said nothing really…just that he was coming to the Carolinas for an interview and hoped to see me. Wtf?! The Ex Factor really does not listen….I AM IN RICHMOND….NOT the Carolinas! ??♀️?? While his voicemail irritated the depths of my soul, when I heard his voice….a voice I had not heard in a year…all I could think is….I LOVE HIM! ❤️ FML ? ~KJM dropping Chapter 5 on Temptation Tuesday. What is so memorable about fools in love? Is it that they are in love or that they are f*cking fools! ??♀️
Year 2013. It started off in tears. Me bawling in the streets of New York. I felt hurt. The pain was just too much. It felt like I had lost a part of me…that’s how deep my love use to be for him. Currently, he is a separate entity that I just happen to love and one day…he will just be “someone I use to know.” I know I probably sound like a mad woman right now but that really sums up year 2013. It was like I was me but I really wasn’t me. From the outside, my blue/green eyeshadow sparkled and my skin continued to glow but there was a sadness in my eyes. A darkness that I covered up with black blazers. I cried and cried while ignoring his texts. I left and never told him why. But I asked him over and over at the end of 2012 if she existed. I…felt her presence. He no longer looked at me like I was home. I…felt….her. And like some typical man shit, he tried to convince me that I was imagining her. Before this, I was not the best in relationships. If someone had asked me if I had a side piece (Phoenix), I would honestly answer YES! I always put on my big girl panties and own my shit. He never asked if there was a Phoenix so I never had to explain my back up plan. On the real, Phoenix was just a good friend who was a place card filler when shit went left in my love life. He was that huge penis filled with sex appeal and intelligence that every woman should have before she settles down. ?? Shout out to Phoenix for holding me down when love or lust had done me dirty. ? But I digress. I asked the Ex Factor if she existed and he said NO. He lied. From that day on, I would never view him the same. I have laid with dogs who were honest about being dogs. That use to be my preference in “boys” but the two men I stayed with the longest ( Julio on and off for 10 years and the Ex Factor for almost 9 years) were not dogs. I don’t love them hoes and you can’t turn a hoe into a husband (see my blog titled “Community Penis” for reference). ?? I don’t want a man that every woman has had. I may occasionally f*ck them male hoes but I don’t husband them! ?? Sometimes you just got to call good dick what it is…good dick that deserves to be left alone when we women are done climaxing! ?? Exhale on that! Lol. Now where was I? Oh yes…chapter 4…year 2013. It was one of the darkest years of my life. I thought I had found MY ONE but he had just turned out to be more of the same shit. Believe it or not…if he had been honest with me about talking to her and whomever else…I would have given him space to do so. At this point, the Ex Factor was around 24 years old. I was almost 32. Man, I was a mess in my 20s!!! Commitment and relationships just weren’t my thing and with the exception of Julio, I managed to not have any real feelings for a guy until I laid eyes on the Ex Factor shortly after I turned 29. Had he been honest, I could have gone and played with Phoenix while the Ex Factor tried to figure out what he wanted. But he lied. She did exist and that pain was too much to endure. I stepped away with no goodbyes and lost my f*cking mind. Somehow I ended up in Atlanta in a situation where I could have lost my life. ??♀️ That is all I am going to say about that! After that, my friends intervened and I went to see Harmony in Vegas for my 32nd birthday. It was the rejuvenation that I needed! From that moment on, Vegas and Harmony became my second home. No man will ever be called home again! ?? 48 hours after getting back from Vegas, with the help of my concerned friends, I accidentally moved to Richmond, VA. I spent almost two years of my life there…and the Ex Factor was still part of my life. Didn’t matter if I had a man or was single…I heard from him throughout the years. He never let go and unbeknownst to me…neither had I…. ~KJM dropping Chapter 4 on Charm School Monday! I hope you are enjoying this love week special. It feels great to be writing again. The words are pouring out of me and I am climaxing as if Phoenix just opened his door to let my broken heart in and…suddenly had me “talking in a falsetto!” ?
Year 2012…the year of shattered glass. The year something broke in us that seemed unfixable. The last year I actually felt wanted by him (not referring to sexual desire). Sexual desire…he has always had for me but as the years went on….it did not make me feel wanted. I just felt like a vessel. An empty vessel. 2012 was the year I felt him slipping away from me. I should be ashamed to admit that I stayed in love with a man for almost a decade….not feeling wanted by him for most of it. Yet I bear no shame…at least not anymore. You show me a strong woman and I can promise you that she too has had moments of making a fool out of herself for love….her love for him. I am not alone…I know this in my heart. We women are nurturers…many times to our detriment. Love is all about taking a risk. If we all played it safe and only gave out what we received from our lovers….well…many men would never know the taste of true love…and deservingly so. ??♀️ For a second, I had to look back on my 2012 photographs. My skin is flawless and I am still in love. Leopard prints and see through blouses filled our days and nights. Frequently, he would tell me he was happy yet I don’t remember him ever asking if I was happy. In 2012, even with more separation periods, I was in fact…happy. I think this was the last year that he had the ability to make me happy for more than three days. A storm was brewing. An act of God. Unbeknownst to us….we were never going to be the same. I would be betrayed by him and he would look me in my eyes and lie. But we women always know when someone is in our house. That is…if you want to know. I believe he never slept with her but it was a betrayal just the same. This is a difficult concept for men to understand. A woman that truly loves you worries about where your heart goes before your dick…for hearts rule the world and penis can never be as strong as a heart. Penis may go up in the wind (easily) but hearts find homes. Sometimes I wonder if she was funny? Was she still in his life? Was she less complicated than me? Did she even know of my existence? Probably not. 2012 was also the year I publicly disappeared from his life. Date nights became awkward and stressful. I was waiting for the shoe to drop so I could finally breathe a sigh of relief….that I had not imagined it all…made her up in my head to justify reasons to break away from him. In the years to come, I learned that I did not imagine her but I imagined the power she had. She is probably long gone and happily married while…I am writing this to you during love week 2019…. ~KJM dropping Chapter 3 before I head to bed. It’s rare that I am inspired to write at night but there is a fire in me that wants to complete this project. Stay tuned❤️
Year 2011….I turned 30 and unfortunately…the blue/green eyeshadow phase continued! F*ck??♀️ Where the hell were my friends?! Why didn’t someone stop me?! ??♀️ And yes I was still deeply in love with him. I think this was the first year we actually had a separation period. I started traveling again (Miami and Vegas) and my weave just kept getting longer and longer. And no I do not have a company to shout out because at this point…I WAS STILL WEARING STORE BOUGHT HAIR! ? WTF?! But I even threw in some honey blonde streaks….which he did not like. Or maybe it was the length he didn’t care for. He never said a word but his eyes spoke volumes. ? I think this is also the year that I fell in love with pleather (fake leather) and animal prints again….I mean could I be any more Jersey when you put the eyeshadow, pleather, and animal prints together?! ????♀️ F*ck! Yet my oh so Jersey self was still hanging on to love. When things were good they were great! When they were bad…they were horrible. I wanted more from him but as time went by…I got less. And not less eyeshadow either! F*ck! Maybe my eyeshadow was overcompensating for something?! Sex was still great at this point…especially make up sex. That would be our thing. And I still loved to spend every moment I could with him. Work was slowly picking up for me but not by much. Adulting was still mopping the floor with me but at least I still had him, my eyeshadow, my pleather, my animal prints, and my trips with friends. It was a crazy time yet I still felt wanted. And date nights were still exciting to me. 2011 was still a good year for love (me) and lust (him). ~KJM on Serenity Sunday completing chapter 2 (2011) of my special love week edition. So far, looking back in time does not make me sad…except for the damn blue/green eyeshadow! ?
It is the beginning of Love Week 2019 and I had an idea. Really the idea came to me last week but I convinced myself that it was too soon for me to open up myself and be vulnerable with you all once again. So I scratched the idea and kept on with my life. Only…this morning, I awoke…feeling the need to share….almost a decade of failed love. My main focus was going to be around my lipstick colors and how I matched them with certain years of….oh yea….my failed love life but then I realized that from 2010-2015, I hardly wore lipsticks except a gold tone one and an occasional splash of Wet N’ Wild’s “Vamp It Up” when I wanted to be bold. I think that color is now discontinued…much like my love life. Lol. But I digress. One thing that had drastically changed from all the years that I was in love with the Ex Factor (2010-2019) was my style….from the crazy blue/green eyeshadow phase that seemed never ending ??♀️ matched with bland or gold lips, various hair style changes, the resurgence of my love for traveling, and just me getting to know myself even deeper through every failed year. Most writers probably shy away from writing about what they failed at but not me! Fml. I just put it all out there when I am ready (of course). So here I am…reliving a year…2010 to be exact. It was the happiest I had ever been with any man. I fell so unexpectedly and so deeply on a sun shower day under the Tappan Zee Bridge. Whether it was overcast or sunshine, I felt safe and secure. I felt like he heard me…like he understood me. And even though adulthood was kicking my ass…he was holding my hands through it. I had ALLOWED him to hold my hands through it. 2010 was such an unexpected year. I never meant to fall in love. Never thought it was possible for me to fall so deeply. I fell…I bumped my head…I had anxiety about how two unlikely people would make it as a couple. Even though all the signs were there…that he was not ready and I was not the one…I took the risk and in those rain drops I let him hold my hand and guide me through the storm. Through the ups and downs, I held on tightly. My heart just could not let go. Though I will always wonder…had I been strong enough to let go Labor Day weekend 2010….maybe I would have experienced true love by now? ~KJM on Serenity Sunday. I am hoping I have the time, patience, and understanding to complete each chapter and drop them throughout the week. If I don’t finish…please don’t be upset with me. I am transitioning in my life and that is a terribly hard thing to do while being vulnerable publicly with my thoughts and heartache. One love ❤️ FYI I have already gathered pictures of myself from each year so be sure to check them out with each post.