Year 2012…the year of shattered glass. The year something broke in us that seemed unfixable. The last year I actually felt wanted by him (not referring to sexual desire). Sexual desire…he has always had for me but as the years went on….it did not make me feel wanted. I just felt like a vessel. An empty vessel. 2012 was the year I felt him slipping away from me. I should be ashamed to admit that I stayed in love with a man for almost a decade….not feeling wanted by him for most of it. Yet I bear no shame…at least not anymore. You show me a strong woman and I can promise you that she too has had moments of making a fool out of herself for love….her love for him. I am not alone…I know this in my heart. We women are nurturers…many times to our detriment. Love is all about taking a risk. If we all played it safe and only gave out what we received from our lovers….well…many men would never know the taste of true love…and deservingly so. ??♀️ For a second, I had to look back on my 2012 photographs. My skin is flawless and I am still in love. Leopard prints and see through blouses filled our days and nights. Frequently, he would tell me he was happy yet I don’t remember him ever asking if I was happy. In 2012, even with more separation periods, I was in fact…happy. I think this was the last year that he had the ability to make me happy for more than three days. A storm was brewing. An act of God. Unbeknownst to us….we were never going to be the same. I would be betrayed by him and he would look me in my eyes and lie. But we women always know when someone is in our house. That is…if you want to know. I believe he never slept with her but it was a betrayal just the same. This is a difficult concept for men to understand. A woman that truly loves you worries about where your heart goes before your dick…for hearts rule the world and penis can never be as strong as a heart. Penis may go up in the wind (easily) but hearts find homes. Sometimes I wonder if she was funny? Was she still in his life? Was she less complicated than me? Did she even know of my existence? Probably not. 2012 was also the year I publicly disappeared from his life. Date nights became awkward and stressful. I was waiting for the shoe to drop so I could finally breathe a sigh of relief….that I had not imagined it all…made her up in my head to justify reasons to break away from him. In the years to come, I learned that I did not imagine her but I imagined the power she had. She is probably long gone and happily married while…I am writing this to you during love week 2019…. ~KJM dropping Chapter 3 before I head to bed. It’s rare that I am inspired to write at night but there is a fire in me that wants to complete this project. Stay tuned❤️
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