It is rare that I debate for an entire week whether to write a blog or not but here I am. I am trying to decide how far I let you guys in. Why? What I am going to write about is embarrassing, heartbreaking, and even tragic to me. Some of you will question my self esteem. Can I stop you right there? Please know this…it is possible to have great self esteem and find yourself in a bad situation. Anyone (man or woman) who tells you they have never dealt with bullshit in their personal lives are LIARS! It is a HUMAN (not only woman) thing to want the person you love to change. I have a long list of men that waited for years for me to change…yet I didn’t until I was ready. And I changed for ME and only ME. The only difference with women and men on this topic is women are vocal about it….while men, on the other hand, will hide from everyone when they are selling their souls to be with a woman. It’s an ego thing….but trust it is also a human thing. Okay! Okay! Enough of that. I am sure you are wondering where the hell am I going with this. The beginning of last week, I had a discussion with an older family member that I will call, Tina. She and I have recently gotten close in 2020. Speaking to my older family members about life and love is something I do often…only typically I am interviewing the man whores in my family. Tina was a refreshing change from the man whores. The topic of our discussion was SIGNS or as some of you like to call it, RED FLAGS. Tina was very young, a teenager, when she first married so I skipped asking about her first marriage. We dug in deep when we talked about her second marriage. Tina’s second marriage is a source of pain and trauma for her. Just the mention of her ex husband sends shock waves through the phone. By now, they had been divorced almost a decade but there was some lingering hurt and pain there for a bunch of reasons that I don’t have time to get into. Let’s get to the meat of this blog. Right smack in the middle of the conversation, I asked Tina if she had missed the signs that her second husband had always been a terrible person….even prior to them marrying?! Every woman in my family that has/had a bad marriage had SIGNS of who they were marrying before they got married. It was a matter of did they pay attention or did they ignore them? I have a theory. 90% of people show you who they are ALMOST right away. Only 10% (I don’t have the math down to a science….just spitting out numbers) of people (serial killers, sociopaths, intelligent people with personality disorders etc.) are capable of completely hiding who they are to people who are close to them…and even then I would say there are still tiny signs in those circumstances….you know…like that nagging feeling we have but we just don’t know what is wrong. That is your gut…baby girl…. Your intuition is trying to tell you something. That what you see isn’t real but what you feel is sending you smoke signals. Don’t believe me? Okay….let’s attack the subject of Domestic Violence (DV). Most (not all) of the women in my family were being beaten by their spouses before marriage whether they were a teenager or in their 30s getting married! Meaning they weren’t just undergoing emotional, mental, financial, and psychological abuse….the ones that are harder for people to acknowledge….they were straight up getting their asses beat and still married these men. Now I know DV has bigger components than I am discussing here…such as the “Battered Woman Syndrome,”….but in this blog, I am just using it as an example of signs/red flags that appeared before marriage. On to another sign, most of them had also been cheated on by that spouse before they married as well! SIGNS! They are usually there. However, the interesting thing about signs/red flags is the sign you receive may not indicate the direct trauma you are about to experience. For example, let’s say your boyfriend constantly lies about everything. Those lies may not say exactly that you will be dealing with a cheater down the line…but they are signs that you are dealing with a person you cannot trust! And even if he does not turn out to be a cheating husband….he could be hiding an addiction. I am just pointing this out to let you know that signs are red flags that something is off. Sometimes they indicate the exact thing and sometimes they indicate that even if you cannot put your finger on it….you need to get the hell out of there and RUN! Okay now that that is settled….back to Tina. I asked her about possible signs that her second husband wasn’t shit specifically because they dated AND lived together for about 7 or 8 years before they married! Since I was a teenager, I always thought the mistake most women in my family made was marrying very young. As I grew up, I realized that even the women who married in their 30s made the same or worst mistakes than my family members who were teenage brides! FML! I use to think as long as I don’t marry my first boyfriend, first love, and the first guy to take my virginity….which for me all equals ONE guy, Julio,…..then I would beat the generational curse. FML! The 30 some year olds in my family broke this theory over and over again. Ugh…I am just so exhausted! This is one of the main reasons why I lean on the NO MARRIAGE side. Not one living person in my family had a good marriage. The women were abused and the men were abusers/womanizers! Only my great grandmother, Alice, I am told….had a great marriage with my great grandfather, DADA. I can believe this because while Dada died when I was very young, I got to experience the love and care from Alice. She was an extraordinary woman! I can only see her as having the best that life had to offer. Miss you grandma, Alice. Now back to the signs. According to Tina, she did not see any signs while dating her second husband but she does admit she was working so much to put her child through college that it is possible she missed them. Now here’s where things get tricky. I am not doubting that Tina believes this to be her experience but I have a big problem with it. Remember that 10% that can hide themselves better than anyone else? Yea…Tina’s second husband was NOT that bright. And OMG was he ugly. Lol. Just had to point that out because while they were married for almost a decade….I don’t think I can pick him out of a line up…but I know his ass was UGLY inside and out! Anytime I was over their house having dinner with other family members…her second husband was rude. I am really having a hard time believing that that toad was ever charming! Dead ass! Since Tina either had a memory lapse or is delusional, I asked her to describe what their dating life was like for those 7 or 8 years prior to marriage. From there, I pointed out what I saw as SIGNS…. Maybe not signs that he would be an abusive cheater but signs he was not a good man. Each sign, I presented, Tina made an excuse for how she saw it. Now her voice is high and shaking. I am not trying to upset her…trust that I am not. I am trying to get her to see that there were in fact signs! Tina disagreed with me. And that’s her truth as she knows it. I cannot argue with her about her life but in a bigger picture sense….there’s a larger demon to tackle. If we don’t admit to ourselves that there were signs/red flags….we forever stay the victim! If we missed the signs the first time around and don’t admit to doing so….we now go through life thinking bad stuff just happens to us and that we can never control any of it. Yikes! I don’t want to go through life not taking responsibility in the demise of my own heart! And I need to try something different from the women in my family because I want a better life! Not judging them….just trying to break this generational curse. Now to the embarrassing part. If I am going to examine Tina, I am going to examine my damn self too but in more detail because I am the master of my own destiny and my pain will not set me back. My truth, as I know it, will set me free. The Ex Factor is the guy I’ve loved the most and he is also the most toxic guy to enter my life. He knows this. I say it often. When we met in Summer 2010, it was only to date for the summer before we BOTH went back to our first loves. I fell in love within in month and he fell in lust. Plus his first love turned out to be a whore who slept with one of his best friends! For me, once I knew I had feelings for the Ex Factor, Julio no longer existed. I had stopped being attracted to Julio back in January 2010 so falling out of complete love with him….made it that I permanently left him alone. I don’t know what drew me to the Ex Factor. He was 20 and I was 29. I really thought Julio, by default, was the only guy I would have real feelings for in my entire lifetime. Up until the Ex Factor, I considered myself REAL LOVE proof. Dated many guys and somewhat cared about most of them but never really loved! It caught me by fucking surprise and to this day I don’t understand why him. Why did I fall for the Ex Factor? Ten years later and I still don’t understand why I fell for him! But here’s the kicker….I got my first sign that I was in a toxic situation about 3.5 months into dating him. You have to understand that I was in denial about falling in love with him for YEARS. A deep denial. And maybe to this day it isn’t real love on my part…maybe it only disguised itself as such. My love is nothing like what is described in 1Corinthians13. I am not sure who can really love like that except God. And I am not sure if I can ever love a man like that. Just taking responsibility for my shit. Back to SIGNS! The Ex Factor had a BBQ Labor Day weekend in 2010. 3.5 months into us dating. Also, this was what I thought would be my final weekend in NJ before accepting a job in D.C. The Ex Factor invited me only because I invited him to my family’s block party back in July but he and his family were out of town that weekend. His invitation to me was one that said he didn’t really want me around his family….but he was just inviting me because I invited him. To this day, I only know his sister, and I met him through her and my sister! I never went to his family BBQ. The Ex Factor has always kept me at a distance. And so for the last ten years, I returned the favor….he only knows my siblings. Never invited him to a single family gathering after that summer. Another red flag is up until that point we were joined by the hip. I knew his friend circle well. Now I don’t know a single person he hangs out with. He can say the same for me of course. Lastly, Labor Day weekend in 2010, is when he told me he was not into doing long distance relationships and that he was not ready for a serious relationship. Up until I got my job in D.C., the Ex Factor moved like Casanova! But I guess that was because he was in lust and this was only suppose to be a summer thing! I should have left him for good that weekend….that’s been one of my biggest regrets that only a Labor Day Weekend in Vegas can cure. The anniversary of that weekend I should have left him….right when I got my signs….use to depress me so. But I digress. For the span of a decade, I would leave the Ex Factor at least once a year….except for 2016-2018 I think. It was a toxic cycle. I would leave, be sad for a little, and then carry on with my life until he popped up again. And yes I would always take him back! Once again, I was in denial about how deep I was in this mess! I had never been in a cycle such as this. Julio and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I’ve ever taken back! With Julio though, I would leave him because I wanted to date other guys…see what else was out there. We were just too young to be so serious. And he always knew he wanted to be married with children one day. I wanted none of that….turns out…with him. Julio spent years trying to “tame the shrew.” I just wanted to get my education, travel, and explore different guys. Good thing too or I would be bad in bed! Lol. Julio and I lost our virginities to each other…we needed to go learn from others before even attempting to settle down. At least….that was my theory. For 20 years, Julio would come back hoping we could work it out. I’ve known him now for 23 years. Despite his flaws, he deserves someone who wants him…not just someone settling for him. If you are still reading this…you have earned these confessions. Try not to judge me. After Labor Day Weekend 2010, there would always be signs that the Ex Factor was not good for me. Here are some of the big signs. In 2016, after we reconciled for like the millionth time, I asked him for a deeper commitment (right around the time I found out my dad had cancer). The Ex Factor said no. That’s when I should have exited stage left for good. 2015 is the last time he’s taken me on a date, 2016 he said no to a deeper commitment (as mentioned up above), 2017…the day before my Dad’s cancer removal surgery the Ex Factor took back his one “I love you”….said he doesn’t think he has ever been in love with anyone, 2018 I can’t think of what damaging thing he has done but I know he did some shit….just can’t remember, 2019 he told me I can date other guys (prior to….for years I had been telling him that he can leave me alone and go fuck other girls…my shop is closed….figured I would hold myself accountable here), and February 29, 2020, leap day, took the fucking cake! He had the nerve to tell me that he is only doing certain shit for his wife (clearly that ain’t me) and that I’m the one that has been chasing him for a decade! This is particularly hurtful because in June 2013, I accidentally moved to Richmond VA, to get away from the Ex Factor! I moved 340 miles to get away from him…yet I was chasing him?! He was on full block for 2014 until he left me a blocked voicemail! The fucking nerve! February 29, 2020 was our second in person fight and the worst fight we ever had! I started crying and then locked myself in the bathroom while I told him to get out!!! Up until that point, I HAD NEVER EVER CRIED IN FRONT OF A ROMANTIC PARTNER….not even Julio who has known me since I was 15 years old! He use to get so pissed at the that fact that he had never seen me cry! Welp Julio…I finally cried. Hence the dramatic movement of locking myself in my fucking bathroom! What a mess! So yes there were fucking signs! I could see them clear as day but I was in too deep! I know at this point you are probably questioning my sanity…shit I am questioning myself! The thing I’ve learned from this is…it is so much easier to walk away from someone when you don’t love them. Also, love can be blind or it can be painfully obvious and we still choose to stay! The one thing the Ex Factor got right was none of this would have been possible if I hadn’t kept taking him back. The woman does control the situationship/relationship. No matter what these jokers make you think….no one can continuously do shit to you (absent abuse, imprisonment etc.) unless you allow it. So why did I allow it? Karma! I’ve done so much shit to so many guys purposely and accidentally it ain’t even funny! Part of it is because I grew up around DV and learned that if you ever let a man control your world…you may end up severely injured or DEAD! Another part of it is, I have never ever seen healthy relationships in my family. Lastly, I’m immature as fuck and didn’t start growing up (in my personal life) until FIVE YEARS ago! And it was not because of the Ex Factor….my growth isn’t really about him. I just got tired of being the old emotionally cheating/sometimes physically cheating me that I had been since I was 15! I don’t know how the OG man whores in my family keep up their whoring well into their 60s! Whoa Chile! That sounds exhausting! Now I’m not saying I’m a whore….I am far from it….but what I am saying is I had an issue with fidelity and loyalty. I learned from the men in my family to always have a side piece waiting. That brings me to another point. Most men don’t cheat out of opportunity…anyone can make the opportunity to cheat because you cannot be with your spouse 24/7….they cheat out of insecurity! I learned that from interviewing the OGs and from myself. The insecure me always needs Phoenix waiting. Haven’t seen him in 6 years by the way. The insecure me always needed guys to be like shoes…in pairs. If I’m not getting what I want from the main guy…then my side guy provides. I stopped that shit, accidentally, in November 2015…after Elijah gave me that asshole rip! FML. So this November 2020 will make it 5 years that I’ve ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally loyal to a man….the Ex Factor! I did that shit for me. Even though the Ex Factor does not deserve me…I needed to stop these side entanglements (lol) because they were a waste of time with guys I didn’t even like nor care about. Phoenix is the exception out of all my side dudes. I will always have mad respect for him and be grateful for him. He took me through a lot of situations and was always there when I needed him. That’s a true friend right there. I only broke things off with him because he had a shot at keeping his family together and I wanted that for him. I want Phoenix to be happy! And I pray that he is. One more thing….ugh I know this blog is so long…my apologies for that….but I have to say this. I accept responsibility for the mess I’ve been in for the last 10 years. The end is near on that….I think. But I do have to admit some things. I have not always been kind to the Ex Factor. I don’t respect him as a man. He is not the type of man I want to introduce to my father. Most of the time I feel like I hate him more than love him. I speak to him in such a disrespectful way that I have never ever spoken to any other guy (while dating them). The Ex Factor has hurt me the most. I long for the day when that pain goes away because I don’t want to stay traumatized like so many women I know. I say this all to really say….we have been toxic to each other but I am only concerned with my healing. He is responsible for his own healing. I can only do the work for me. One day, I hope and pray I can recognize, appreciate, and love a good man. Kind of done thinking the Ex Factor and I can grow to be better people to each other. He’s in lust….and I’m not quite sure why I stayed so long. He was right…this ain’t love. Maybe it’s OBSESSION…NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN?! Whatever it is…I still feel it deeply. FML! ~KJM on Manic Monday. I know that was a lot. Digest and tell me how you feel. No matter what…. I still believe in love. Only God can take love away. Not man. 💙
I fall asleep at night feeling defeated. So much around me is changing. We are in a pandemic. So many permanent goodbyes yet all that surrounds me at night is my broken heart. Do you know what it is like to dream with a broken heart? “When you are dreaming with a broken heart” ….John Mayer was right….”The waking up is the hardest part.” Just as I awaken, for a split second, I feel like everything is okay. That the Ex Factor will always physically be near me. My dreams tell me it will be okay and that God is still in control. But I awaken and for that split second, I don’t remember that I have a broken heart. I don’t have the guilt of wasted times and wasted break ups. My heart is not filled with regrets…and I am smiling. The moment my eyes open I just know the day is going to be filled with love and no sorrows. That is how sweet my dreams are. Then I remember and my heart gets so heavy. So heavy that there feels like there is a building on my chest. And suddenly it is hard to breathe. Tears start rolling down my face. Then I get sad that I was awakened out of my sleep. My beautiful sleep. We sometimes make love in my dreams. We appreciate and respect each other so much more in my dreams. Most importantly, nothing can separate us in my dreams. We are together. We are happy. And we even have a family. A family. One of the key things 5 year old me nor 28 year old me could never envision. I feel like he’s taking all of me with him. I know many of you may think I’m being super dramatic but have you ever truly met a woman that never wanted to get married and/or have children? The universe has to do so much work to get her uterus to even do a little dance. She yearns for everything unconventional and wants nothing that is conventional. Her whole life is most likely planned with solo travels and dreams of visiting every continent. She does not hear the “pitter patter” of little feet unless she simultaneously hears the voice of God. Her soul is open to so much yet closed off to so much. She can attend a million weddings and hold a million babies and never say…’I am next.’ She just doesn’t operate that way. So for my dreams to be so vivid for the last ten years, for my soul to open up a bit, and for me to even admit that I love….even if it’s in the most toxic form…. is HUGE. To me, it’s nothing short of an act of God. GOD! And where is HE in all of this?! The Ex Factor cannot confirm nor deny that HE exists but I can. For weeks, I have been so angry with them both. I cannot get around this feeling. I have to go through it and y’all know how much I hate going THROUGH something. I always want to skirt around the feeling or the emotion. I want to dance around it but I can’t. Stuck with my broken heart. And where is GOD?! Why does HE allow me to dream such beautiful dreams if HE is only going to awaken me from them. Separate me from them. Leave me in a sea of pain. Where is GOD?! I think this is the first time in a long while that I question HIM. And not just about what’s going on with the Ex Factor but also for all the loss myself, my loved ones, and the world has endured due to this pandemic. Why now? Why us? Where are YOU? I ask yet nothing feels answered. I pray everyday starting with two scriptures: one for love (1 Corinthians 13) and one for protection (currently Psalm 91). Praying as soon as I wake is a habit. So even on my angry days I pray but I don’t feel like a faithful Christian. I feel challenged. I feel sad. I feel angry. And most of the time, I am at such a loss for words that tears are streaming down my face. Throughout the day, I talk with HIM. I imagine HIM walking with me. Lord, I am trying to trust your vision even when I cannot see where it may lead. There’s just so much more I want to say about this but my questioning GOD is not really what this blog is about. I am still dreaming with a broken heart. Tears are falling as I write this. I have to believe that GOD is in control because I really have no choice. Relying on my own mind and heart has always landed me in a sea of guilt and regret. Ironically, Summer 2007, when Julio broke up with me…I don’t remember being angry with GOD. I was angry with Julio and only with Julio. He had pulled the rug from up under me and even in my state of sadness I never ever thought he left me for another woman. I just thought he left me when I needed him the most. He was not patient, he was not kind. Julio was none of the things to me that was written in 1 Corinthians 13 about love. Not one of them. I think that is why I was not angry with God. I had no choice but to trust HIS plan because it was clear the one I was kind of just going along with was not for me. I am only bringing up Summer 2007 because it’s really the only thing I can remember about my relationship with Julio. The pain of getting through that summer. It is like the Good Lord erased the rest of the ten years I had spent with him. My memory is sharp yet I have little memory of what it felt like to be with him. I only remember the final hurt. The thing is…back then I was sleeping with a broken heart….I was not dreaming with one. To my recollection, I never had one dream of marriage or a family. So l slept with my broken heart…only to years later…almost three years to the exact date of Julio and my breakup…learn to not only love again but to dream with an open heart. That is what Summer 2010 did for me. It took Summer 2020 to make me realize that. Holding onto the Ex Factor for ten years was not wrong. No matter what happens in life…if you meet a person that awakens dreams in you that you never thought were possible or you thought were dead long ago…you get into the passenger side of their car and you guys follow the road where ever it may go. That is exactly what I did. Took this pandemic to make me realize that the Ex Factor is right…I have always been the glue that has kept us together. I am the reason we know each other for more than a summer. Without me, we would never have gotten this far. I made some mistakes. We made some mistakes. He was not ready and still is not ready. But I’m gonna tell you something most women would NOT admit to themselves nor anyone else…I was not ready either. Just started to get ready (naturally) about five years ago. Still not fully there yet. I still have so much work to do on myself. I am a late bloomer in matters of the romantic heart. And my ego has played a huge role in my delay. Pride and ego. Erase them from your vocabulary if you truly want to grow. Trust that self love will be the shield that protects and guides you during your journey to romantic love. And breathe through it all. Trusting your steps. Trusting HIS vision. Trusting your heart. Breathe through it all. Can you do that for me? I pray so. Because if you don’t…you may end up like me…dreaming with a broken heart. “When you are dreaming with a broken heart…the waking up is the hardest part. When you are dreaming with a broken heart”….John Mayer was right….”The giving up is the hardest part.” ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday💙
I recently read that “forgiveness is a conscious choice we must make everyday until we are free from hurt.” Definitely paraphrasing a meme and really do not remember who wrote that quote. Forgive me. We are still in the midst of the pandemic and so much suffering has occurred. Death is real and close. It’s a crazy time and my mind just cannot hold water most days. The last two years, I have barely written a blog. Not because I have writer’s block but simply because I have been suffering on so many levels. Starting with one of my brothers (not Junior) getting unexpectedly locked up in January 2018. And he’s still locked up. He has never been in trouble and here we are two years later….devastated. It is like he took the wind out of my sail on a beautiful sunny day as he broke my heart. Within two months of him being arrested, I gained 20lbs that to this day I have to fight to keep off. I’m currently practicing YOGA (for one year and two months now) and PIYO (just one week now) to help keep my weight down and keep my mind stable. Stable?! This pandemic moves different than anything I have experienced in my lifetime. I am confused. I am sad. I am mourning….yet I shall keep going. I have to. We all have to. From inside of our homes, we have to keep going. But I digress. Forgiveness! If you have been reading this blog over the years, you know I struggle with it…especially on a romantic level. I have never seen my parents forgive each other for shit! They just kept sweeping dirt under the rug until it exploded all through their dirty ass house. Filth (meaning this emotionally because both my parents keep a clean house/apartment) between two lovers is all I have ever seen up close and personal. My dad still talks about 1979 like it was just yesterday (and not in a good way…SEE blog about 1979) and my mother is as delusional as ever. Married almost 37 years this December and separated almost 11 years this November…these two are more than lost. But can the lost find their way? Hell….if I know. I have always heard that you can have a bad couple of years with someone you love but you have to fight (together) to get on the other side of it because there is so much good on the other side. But what if this is not true in all situations? What if that is not true for my locked up brother? And what if that is not true for me and the Ex Factor? In the pandemic, I feel….the Ex Factor and I are stronger than we were outside of it! What in the ever loving fuck?! What does it say about us that we are trying a little harder to listen to each other and be there for each other as we are surrounded by sickness and death?! Matter of fact…we were going to separate for good right as the pandemic hit! When the world went completely mad, I did something I have rarely done since I have known him….I made a conscious choice to reach out to him. There goes that phrase again….CONSCIOUS CHOICE. Can an unconscious person make a conscious choice?! Because who in the hell is conscious during this global pandemic?! Anyways….I do not think I could do this pandemic without the Ex Factor. And God bless my family for supporting me during this time. I know for a fact I could not go through the pandemic without them. My parents have done a lot to keep me safe and make sure I have all the essentials. That…I am grateful for. But ah yes…forgiveness. How soon we forget that it is not an easy process (maybe for some of us…maybe for all of us). Some days….nothing that I know of will go wrong yet I will replay every terrible thing the Ex Factor has said to me in the last 5 years. Our bad 5 years. He has said stupid shit the first 5 years too but most of that I chucked up to growing pains. These last 5 years have been horrible. Some small good moments and huge bad ones. Hmmm….I just had a thought. Does he replay the dumb shit I have said to him over the last 10 years?! Shit…I hope not. My mouth is reckless and takes prisoners almost on a monthly basis. Use to be on daily basis but I have grown so much. Lol. Now I only cuss folks out like they grand mama stole something from me when deeply provoked. Y’all can thank YOGA for that growth in me. I cannot be namaste-ing and cussing everyone the fuck out. My spirit just do not roll that way anymore. Lol. I want and need peace in my life. I want and need love in my life. But once again…what if there really isn’t any good on the other side of all I have been through with the Ex Factor?! What if this is it?! Just hell on earth? I am so far removed from when I went through it with Julio that I cannot remember what it felt like…except for the one time he broke up with me at the end of my first year of graduate school. I still remember all the crying I did in Summer 2007. (SEE Summer 2007 blog) Other than that….it’s all a distant memory. My love for Julio and my out of love for Julio. All of it…gone now. But…I do remember this…Julio and I never made it to the other side of the bad. Things never got better. And one day I was completely out of love AND attraction for him. Just like that…all the pain was gone but so was the love too. Proof of that would be that I have not nor have I wanted to lay eyes on him over the last 10 years. The minute my gaze met the Ex Factor’s gaze…it was like Julio never existed. Gone. All of it…gone. Maybe that’s how things will end with the Ex Factor too…with him being a distant memory compared to a new love. Or maybe I will be one of the lucky ones and finally get to the other side of pain with someone I love. In sickness and in health. And until death does us part…. ~KJM feeling the feeling on Hump Day. My friend/sister Nicole has been the biggest supporter of this blog from day one. She has been encouraging me to write more and to vlog more. Nicole, thank you for believing in me. I am trying to get back to me as soon as possible. To Nicole and all of my readers…do not give up on me. One Love 💙
I got dressed in a nice outfit. Not unusual for me but important on this particular day. I wore a black, white, and gray dress with bright red lipstick. Lady Balls from TooFaced Cosmetics to be exact. It had become my go to “I’m gonna kick some ass today” lipstick. Some of the ladies at work wore red but I did not want to draw too much attention to myself so I only let a hint of red trail on my lips. Just enough that folks would think I had plans…that I surely wanted no one to ask me about. I sashayed through the day. Smiling and pretending it was a good day. It was not a good day. Not just because it was Valentines Day but because my work week had been so intense. I had barely been sleeping and exhaustion had creeped in and made a home in my mind and body. I still feel this way. At the end of my work day, I got up and smiled as one of my coworkers begged me to watch at least the first episode of “Love Is Blind” on Netflix. Shit…I still need to do that. I responded that I would try to squeeze it into my weekend…a weekend I knew damn well I had planned to do nothing but lay on my couch. One of the good things about my relationship with myself is I am very aware when I need to slow down and be present for myself. I know when I need to just be there for myself even if I am still barely sleeping. Anyways, I exit the room with a smile on my face and wished everyone a great weekend. I was OUT of the danger zone now and I can just be by myself. To be clear, this wasn’t really about Valentines Day. I’ve celebrated big with some guys and celebrated it small with others. Or celebrated it with friends and family. Or not celebrated it at all. Cannot even remember what the hell I did on that day last year. I think I worked and ordered myself some red velvet cookies from “Insomnia Cookies” to take home. Simple and to the point if memory serves me correct. The one I experienced with Elijah, I did not spend it with him. Instead, I lounge hopped in NYC with my sister and cousin. It was nothing personal, I was just buying some time until I broke up with him. Any year I’m not seeing the Ex Factor it is never a big deal for me. My rule is…as long as I don’t have feelings for anyone currently in my life….the day can be acknowledged or not. As a little girl, my dad always brought home flowers for my mom, sister, and I. He would try to find some small gift to give my brother too. But that’s my dad. For him, having children means celebrating just about everything. Ironically, my mom is the opposite. Growing up in severe poverty, I think, taught her how not to rely on capitalistic holidays. What freedom. Yet the defense mechanisms that I am using on this very Valentines Day….I learned from my mother. Stay beautiful on the outside, compartmentalize at work and kick ass, and never let anyone see your pain. But all that wisdom did not come from holidays…it came from being married to my father for almost 37 years! I really need to give her more credit for all the shit she beautifully survived and thrived through. I am not sure if I could have done any of it. Hell…I know I could not have done…none of it. This is the main reason why I don’t have children. Just like to suffer in silence by myself and not bring them down with me. But I digress. I was finally home. Thought I would have the energy to pop popcorn and make cookies but instead I just clung to my couch. He never acknowledged the day. In past years we either celebrated together or he would at least send a text. The only times we did not acknowledge the day is if we were not speaking. So I waited for that text and it just never came. It’s the small things that make me happy. My favorite Valentines with the Ex Factor…well I don’t know if I have a favorite but there were times he tried. A couple years ago, I requested Valentines Day as the one day a year I wanted him to reserve for me. And my perfect day with him would have been us watching a movie on tv…like we did with “Forest Gump” a couple months ago. That would have made me happy. He said no because that was a day for serious couples like his parents….as if we had not celebrated it many times before. Hell we’ve even celebrated Mother’s Day weekend and I am not a mother!!!!! What the fuck?! I still remember that moment. It was one of those where I should have permanently ran away from his damaged self. And it still stings. This year a text just saying “Happy Valentines Day” would have made me happy. It…is just….the small things that make me happy because I always do the big things for MYSELF. Amen for that. Learned that from my mama too! Don’t let anybody celebrate you bigger than you do yourself!!!! Cause all you got for sure is your damn self!!!! It takes so little to please me yet he always ends up failing me. Matter of fact….him and Julio got that in common. Sometimes I think I stayed the longest with them because I know they are non violent men. When you grow up around a lot of violent men…you are either drawn to them or very keen to staying away from them. Crazy from college was the closest I ever came to a controlling and violent man. Though he never hit me and he was never able to control me but if there was one of “my men” that I guessed could be violent to a woman…it would be him! I was lucky I got out of that situation okay. Yet both Julio and the Ex Factor have some very manipulative ways and are emotionally abusive. But I never let them stop my shine. Neither of them have ever been the focus of my life…no man has been unless you consider God, my Daddy, and my baby brother, Junior. I learned that shit from my mama too. Make a man your world and he just may bring your ass down. My mama had survived a lot of abuse at the hands of her family and my father….so in this area….I heeded her advice because she had lived in dark places that I have never dared to vacation in. And my God she is still beautifully standing!!!! God is good all the time. Back to me. I am the great pretender. Everyone always thinks I have it so easy because I am beautiful, smart, hardworking, a solo traveler, and a beast when it comes to making myself my FIRST priority. So many women want that freedom but there is a price to pay. Sometimes we free lionesses are roaming the earth pretending at times to protect ourselves from danger and hurt. But when we are home…we can no longer pretend. It is just me. It has been for most of my adult dating life. ~KJM is the great pretender on Serenity Sunday. This was my rehash of Valentines Day 2020. Fuck it all. There’s more to life than this. More to life than setting low expectations….only to realize that some folks cannot be there for you because they probably set such low standards for themselves. 🤷🏽♀️
I am sitting at the edge of reason…clinging to my sanity. Yet he does not see nor hear me. I am sitting at the edge of reason…losing all hope and feeling like I’m “losing my religion” literally and figuratively! Yup…like I’m in the 90’s R.E.M. music video!!! It is so frustrating to pray on something every day…for years…feeling like your prayers have gone unanswered. I wave at him…thinking he has to see me….sitting here on this corner with my suitcase filled with fears, sorrows, and regrets. Yet he looks past me! I am sitting at the edge of reason but now I’m yelling. And cursing….because…like…how could he not see me?! The way my voice travels…how is it possible that he cannot hear me?! I am trying and trying so hard to desperately be validated by someone who does not notice I’m even here. Just a few feet away from him. Asking him to love me. Asking him to understand me. Hell….just asking him to look up from whatever the f*ck he is currently doing! Cause…like…I’m right here….drowning at the edge of reason. How the hell is that even possible? To drown at the edge of reason while sitting on a f*cking corner?! There’s no water out here. Not a lake nor ocean in sight. Don’t even see a damn pool! Yet I am drowning at the edge of reason! And guess what?! I have no clue how I got here? Woke up one day and was just sitting here….with all my hard shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) in my suitcase. Didn’t even pack a pair of good heels?! Just on this damn corner clinging to my sanity. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to get someone to see you as you truly are…yet they refuse?! Complete madness!!!! Maybe they refuse to see the real me because if they took a good look at the picture before them….the shit would not be rosey… it would be a hot f*cking mess?! I had heard of women from generations before me sitting at the edge of reason but I never once thought I would be them. You see…I know how to express myself. I know who I am…for the most part…and I’ve never allowed myself to not be seen before. Shit…all I know how to do is appear! Strut my stuff. Show you that I am here….far from the edge of reason. More like in a garden of tranquil peace filled with the essence of my inner being. Yup….that’s me. Dancing on lilacs at sunset and kissing white roses at dawn. My garden! My beautiful garden. Reason has no place in my garden for in there…I can just be myself. Does not matter if I’m a different self every day or every year. My flowers blossom with dreams and hopes. Reason, once again, has no place here because the mind does not operate nor own my garden. It is my spirit that makes the sunrise and it is my soul that quietly welcomes the moonlight. Yet somehow I have allowed myself to abandon my garden….and now I’m sitting at the edge of f*cking reason! Hair unkept. Eyes tired from not sleeping. A tear stained T-shirt on. When the f*ck did I start wearing T-shirt’s outside of my home?! My goodness….this edge of reason shit got me slipping. Just like all the women before me. Waiting to be seen and heard from their damn gravesites! This cannot be my life. I cannot continue to sit on this f*cking corner….clinging to my sanity! Why clinging? Because I speak proper English yet he does not hear me. I wear familiar clothes yet he does not see me. That shit is frustrating!!! I think to myself….he must be the broken one…for a woman just walked past me and wished me good luck. He must be the confused one for I yelled out and another man appeared….on my corner…willing to help me with my suitcases. So I can be seen and heard. I am not a figment of my own imagination. I am real. I am a person with feelings and guess the f*ck what?! I FEEL! I slowly start to breath in and out. All this deep breathing got me feeling calm. Got me forgetting that I am at the edge of reason….clinging to my sanity. Hoping someone will put a shot of good bourbon on this corner so I can revive myself. Drinking bourbon or gin always makes me feel like chest hairs are gonna start to sprout and if hair is growing…that means I’m alive! Praise be because I got to get off this corner, dry my eyes, change out of this T-shirt, and brush my hair. Just as I’m getting the strength to get up…a lady walks past me and drops this little gem… “Sis!” She called out. “People see what they want to see and they hear what they already have set their ears out to hear. No amount of speeches nor showmanship will change that! You have to walk like you know you have arrived. You have to talk like you have never been misunderstood. Those that are suppose to get you…will. And those that never acknowledged your spirit to begin with….won’t. No need to be at the edge of reason. Vacation from time to time…if you must…but don’t you dare permanently set up shop there. For only fools lose their worth living at the edge of reason….waiting to be recognized by lost souls!” She exclaimed. And with that gem dropped, she turned the corner….and was out of sight….just as quickly as she had appeared. I got up from the edge of reason…leaving my suitcase full of shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) behind. Wherever I’m headed next….won’t have room for them. This I’m sure of…even though I am still unsure of my next destination. But hold up! Had to run back and grab my sanity…because I have no plans of vacationing at the edge of reason any f*cking time soon! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. This just poured out of me. Been a rough week but I am still standing. Still breathing. Still dreaming. Still loving. And still praying 💙
Dear Christian, It is with heavy heart that I am writing you. No…no one is sick nor dead (God forbid) but I feel like an infamous ex girlfriend would only write an ex boyfriend with a heavy heart! 🤷🏽♀️ Let me start off by saying I have no clue where you are nor do I have the need to look you up. Reuniting is not what this is about. KARMA is what this is about and as you probably know…Karma is a universal thing. You will feel my presence in your soul. I picture you waking up one morning and knowing instinctively that a debt has been paid…my debt to you…has been paid. Now time to fill my audience in on what I mean. I met you when I was sixteen years old. Almost 17. Deeply in love with Julio but not sure of how to receive romantic love. Not sure of how to give romantic love…not sure of how to be loved unconditionally. Boy them teenage years were rough!!! I hope I am not alone in saying that….but I digress. A mutual friend introduced us after I had broken Julio’s heart AT LEAST once.🤦🏽♀️ I was so not about any love shit. We were too young! But knowing what I know now….I know that Julio’s love for me at 16 years old was REAL…imperfect but real…. So it occurred to me that it’s possible that your love for me was just as real….as was the pain I caused you. Ignorance is bliss until one becomes knowledgeable. You were just my rebound guy. I hate saying that but we both know it’s true. Hearing those words echoing in the wind gives me chills…as it took me…what felt like forever to learn that this type of behavior is wrong. One thing I did know from the jump is that I needed to use you because as much as I wanted Julio to love me…I wanted him to slow all that love shit down and realize that I was a train wreck. It was a twisted way to think…I know this now. What I didn’t count on was the rebound guy falling for me! It was unforeseeable….We only dated like for 6 months (my junior year of high school). I took you to junior prom only to make Julio jealous! Damn I use to make him cry! Don’t worry…he got me back in our adult years. Tear for tear… 😭That’s how I know this karma is NOT coming from Julio. I loved him to the very end. For twenty one years he was in my life (known him for 23) but I had to recently distance myself from him. Oh I know you have a burning question coming….we (Julio and I) never married nor had children. I was always against those things (at least with Julio) and nothing had changed over the years of us dating. He abandoned me when I needed him most (in 2007) and for that I could not take him back. At the time I fully walked away from making room for him in my life (January 2010), I thought it was because I was no longer attracted to him anymore. But unbeknownst to me….God was making room for a second love. THIS is the true reason why I’m writing….to tell you that for the last 9.5 years I got my karma. I met and fell in love with a guy that treats me like I am ORDINARY. He is your total opposite. Like me with you, he and I never met to actually get together in the long term. It was suppose to just be a summer thing. Some part of me thought that by the end of the summer I would forgive Julio for all his wrongs and we would ride off into the sunset and live somewhat happily after. This is what both the Ex Factor (my second love) and I thought…that if Julio had been fighting for me all these years…he had to be my one…. Now when I think about it…we said this as a matter of fact….the Ex Factor and I over lunch (our first date). It was not that I felt it in my gut. It was the process of elimination. 🤷🏽♀️ Julio just had to be it. I had run from so many guys (including you) and he always caught up with me. Yet a storm was brewing. Change was in the air. I didn’t see it coming or I sure would have stopped it. The IT I’m referring to? Falling for the Ex Factor…a guy 8.5 years my junior. A guy probably still in love with someone else….a guy great at getting me and bad at keeping me. This reminds me so much of you and me. No matter how much you tried…I could not fall in love with you. Stay with you. Grow with you. Now that the shoe is on the other foot…I understand how much pain I caused you. In my defense, I figured you could not seriously love me at the tender age of 17! It wasn’t until my childhood BFF, Jessica and her boyfriend ran into you at a diner one New Year’s Day many years later….and you ice grilled them….that it occurred to me that you didn’t get over 6 months of dating me right away. That’s the first time I realized that I did some damage. I really hope that all the girls and women after me never had to pay for my immature mistakes. Like when I was seeing BOTH you and Julio at the same time. Julio always knew because I loved him 🤦🏽♀️, was always honest with him, and he knew me well (back then). But you didn’t realize it until that random unfaithful day that you surprised visited me on your way home from work…with a gift in hand for me…and Julio showed up at the very same time. Opposite directions….you both came from…and landed on my doorstep. He knew what you looked like but you had no idea who he was until one of my female cousins told on me! I still don’t remember which one of them betrayed me so I can repay them with their Karma. Lol. Blood should always be thicker than water! What a fucking mess?! And to clean it up…I ran after Julio. Leaving you at my house. You followed and confronted us. Yikes what a day?! To add insult to injury, you walked all the way home in the rain. Broken-hearted and angry. I think it took you like 5 hours to get home and I barely noticed. 😳 My only concern was for Julio. You were just an unfortunate causality in my web of immaturity. 🤦🏽♀️ Just rehashing this story makes me sick to my stomach. 🤮 But who really knew how to love and be loved at 16 and 17?! I am not trying to make excuses….just stating a fact. We were young, grew up differently, and I was already in love with someone else (Julio) when we were introduced to each other. 🤷🏽♀️ But I digress….back to Mister He Treats Me So Ordinary. I got into this cycle that I just cannot find my way out of. Not even Julio could rescue me. That ship had sailed. For many reasons, but especially because Julio was so insecure with me growing as a person and educating myself in the process….that he watched me suffer (in 2009 and 2010). I could not choose a man who would not give to me in my hour of need when he had it. And when I certainly would have given to him! That type of man would have his last dollar and not share it with me. This is not someone fit to be my husband nor my life partner. Julio was not secure in himself nor our love. And insecurity is not only a bitch but it is also the death of all that is good about love. Julio would spend decades trying to marry and build a life with women that never cared as much as I did. I loved imperfectly but I LOVED. This part escaped Julio’s mind until it was too late. My romantic love for Julio dissipated 6 months before I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor. It went so quietly that I almost had not noticed. It’s like I woke up one morning and my love for Julio had flown out the window and into the universe…arriving at his forever partner’s house! I pray by now that he found his wife and they are living happily ever after. Two years ago, he had not found her yet. Still thinking she was me but if there is one thing I’m sure of….it is Julio’s great love and I are not the same woman. She is her own beautiful and loving being…awaiting him on some part of this world. This I feel in my spirit. 💕As for me, these last 9.5 years of being Ms. Ordinary has been filled with some loving moments but mostly filled with battles. The Ex Factor is me when I met you. Immature, so sure great loves are a dime a dozen, probably still in love with his first love, and carrying around his hurts and brokenness while clearly not feeling worthy of unconditional love. 🤷🏽♀️ As Ms. Ordinary, I feel more lonely than ever. Not the kind of loneliness some folks feel when they aren’t in love or have not found the one. I don’t get that kind of lonely. I can always happily stand by myself! 🙌🏽 After all I am still the greatest love of my own life. This much has stayed true! 💙 But the kind of lonely where you just want to be loved by one person (that you are in love with) yet you cannot reach them. Ms. Ordinary vacations in the sea of Unrequited love and I finally feel what you may have felt. Abandoned, neglected, disrespected, unloved, lonely, isolated, hurt, and broken. In the Ex Factor’s defense, I do not think he intends to make me feel this way. But KARMA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INTENT! The universe does not discriminate on what is put out into it. THAT IS THE LESSON RIGHT THERE! 🙌🏽 I only learned this in 2019 through “Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations” with mindfulness gurus like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle!🤦🏽♀️ Better late than never! 🤗 Sometimes I wonder if my Karma has stayed with me so long because that’s how long it took you to love again?! I pray not… 🙏🏾 Or maybe it took so long because that’s how long it was going to take me to learn the lesson! Maybe Karma takes as long as She is going to take for all our souls to fully understand why She is visiting us?! 👀 About 10 years ago, I ran into your sister at the nail salon. I recognized her and her hazel green eyes right away…sitting in a pedicure chair holding a baby that she said was her brother’s. Cannot remember if it was a boy or girl but I do think it was a beautiful baby girl. Was not sure if the baby was yours or your older brother. 🤷🏽♀️ Your sister did not recognize me or if she did….she didn’t let on. Oh how I hope that baby was your daughter and you had finally found your happy ending! 🙏🏾 Back to why I’m writing. I am writing you….Dominican Christian….to let you and the universe know that my debt has been paid in full. I have suffered and I have hurt…throughout the entire last decade. I’ve cried. I’ve been humiliated. I have surpassed a threshold of emotional pain that even I did not know I was capable of. My debt to you and the universe has been PAID IN FULL! It is 2020 now and I want to move forward knowing we have squared things. And what I have learned is…out of every suffering comes something good. Something that transcends us. I have learned to love when it’s inconvenient, risky, not reciprocated, and unwelcome. I think I’ve loved to the brink of insanity. I love even when I don’t want to love. I run but it finds me every time like unfinished business that I left on my work desk. 🙃 I have learned that a man being transparent with his feelings is a sign of strength and not weakness. I have learned that I need a man who leads me in love. After all, it is still foreign territory to me. I have learned that the only way to love is unconditionally and that being vulnerable is a good thing. I have learned that you cannot replace one guy with another! Took me until I was 34 years old to learn that lesson! 🤦🏽♀️ I have learned that Karma has very little to do with ones intention. Whether I meant to hurt you or not….I did. Therefore, a debt must be paid. No one knows the day nor the hour but it will be paid in full in this lifetime. Through the ups and the downs, I realized that I attracted the male version of me…the version that so many of you (including Julio) have accused me of being….unfeeling, emotionally unavailable, and careless with ones heart. Yikes! Even with all the bad times, I still learned so much. Love is patient and love is kind. Love is unconditional or it just ain’t love! Human love is imperfect on all levels and at some point in time we are all victims of its tragedies. I am imperfect! Thus, my love is imperfect. What I am really saying is….I AM SO SORRY CHRISTIAN! I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive 16 and 17 year old me! Fools do not deserve to be loved but so often we are. Now that my debt has been paid in full…I just want to go experience that great love that I know is waiting for me. With Deep Sympathy and Thought, Kingston aka once your “Chula.” ~KJM getting some things straight in my first blog of 2020. Seems crazy to think something from childhood could follow us around in our adult lives but too often the answer to our ADULT issues lie within the problems of yesterday that we did not have the language to identify nor the foresight to resolve. Happy FIRST Serenity Sunday of 2020 to you all! 💕
Mercury is currently in retrograde for the third and last time this year. For those who don’t understand what this means…google it. Shit is backwards and most signs are feeling the effects. And of course I’ve been showing my ass! So much so that I ain’t making no sudden movements until November 21! If you have something you want to hash out with me…it’s best to wait until then because I can’t guarantee what the outcome is going to be. I could hug you or I could tell you to go F yourself. Man…it could be a little bit of both. ??♀️ So I’m putting my foot in my mouth (with some help) and Mercury’s backwards ass is watching like my life is some good reality tv! ??♀️ So I sit and wait for some sort of normalcy. Sitting and waiting. Did I mention that I’m running so late this morning that I actually had to have a conversation with myself and ask myself if I was really headed to work?! ? Took a look at my bills and realized I had to go…. ? On NJ transit now…so I’m headed to somewhere in the city….bobbing and weaving the universe as I hold on to my lace frontal! I’m kind of wondering why Mercury’s butt did not write ahead of time to say….Hey Kingston, not only are the winter blues gonna tear you up but this retrograde is gonna have you looking like a clown around town?! That kind of letter would have been appreciated. One thing I’m learning is what I will and will not tolerate from myself and others. There are some I’m so sorry the retrograde got you caught up in my web and others that I’m making note are toxic folks year round…the retrograde is just highlighting what I may have missed. Did I mention that lately everything makes me cry? ??♀️ Damn that Mercury! I mean besides in times of death and sickness….I’m learning to cry when my money is funny! ???♀️ Yup losing what’s left of my fake mink eyelashes (at least I think they are) knowing damn well I can’t afford to go back and see my lash lady no time soon! ??♀️ Just plain Tom foolery…. yup that’s what this retrograde is. I wonder if this is how pregnant women feel throughout the entire nine months?! Or menopausal women?! ? If so….I just can’t be apart of none of that! Trying to figure out how to get this bitch Mercury off of me? Got ideas?! I mean ideas that require absolutely no jail time?! I’m…like…too pretty…for jail. ??♀️?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. How’s the retrograde treating y’all? Anybody wig still on right? Lashes still in place? Write in and let me know lol. ❤️
Sitting in traffic and have time to reveal more of myself to you. There are three months left in the year…. How are you feeling about 2019? For me…the highs were high (like my Vegas Birthday celebration) and the lows were low… financially it was a rough year. Also, I had to cut off or distance myself from some folks that I never thought I would. 2019 was definitely a better year for me than 2018 but it was definitely not my “year of arrival.” You know what I mean….that year that God blesses you in every area of life. ?? I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a job I can’t stand…and still in a “situationship.” When it comes to end goals for a relationship…I am still not quite clear on marriage and children. Like are they for me? ??♀️ So that’s part of the reason why the Ex Factor gets away with some of the mess he does. ??♀️ BECAUSE I NEED TO BE CERTAIN ABOUT WHAT I WANT BEFORE I DEMAND IT!!!! And I need to be certain on what I’m willing to give to him AND us. Not all women are ready for a serious relationship as early as most. I AM STILL GROWING AND LEARNING. ❤️ BUT I for sure have an idea of how I want my family life, friendships, and money to run!!!! ??♀️ Guess these things are still going to take more time in God’s plan?! Sometimes I wish HE would fill me in on the end goals of my life… lol. Like let me take a sneak peak at HIS blueprint for my life. ??♀️ Now approaching the Lincoln Tunnel and reflecting on the fact that as much as NYC drains and exhausts me at times….I LOVE IT! ?Currently rocking this black see through kimono style jacket with my Blue Bang MAC Lipstick….and I’m ready for the subway. Ready to just be me. No matter what…I know I have a blessed life and I am completely grateful for it. ?? Just reflecting while I sit in traffic. Open to new chapters and more laughter. Open to just enjoy being in love in this present moment. It was never my plan to fall in love with any guy…much less fall in love (and hate at times) with one man for 9 years. Ups and downs…highs and lows….at least I now know that shit is possible. Sitting in the tunnel with my heart beating. ? Present in my own life…through the good and bad. I think that’s what it is all about. ??? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Have a blessed day! Make the most of it!!!!