Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

If Nothing Is Sacred….

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It is almost 3 years to the day since you told me you wanted her. HER…not me. You said she was closer to your age AND it (being you and her) can go somewhere. Where? I don’t know the destination but you strongly implied that you and I are living at destination nowhere. I HEARD you loud and clear. You desired her and I wanted you to be happy…despite the misery you had been causing me. My mama always told me…if they want to leave…OPEN the door for them…even wish them well. I couldn’t do that last part…wish y’all well but I did let you go…physically and emotionally.

That day in August…you let me know that nothing was sacred between you and I. The ten years I spent loving you the best I could…meant nothing. Ashes to ashes…dust to dust…was my love, loyalty, and trust along with my hopes and dreams for us. I really never thought I would hear from you ever again. You found HER and nothing would be sacred between us again.

Before the year (2020) ended, I heard from you. What happened? Did she think you would be more open and honest with her than you were with me? Did she expect holidays with your family…in matching pajamas like a wife should be. Silly rabbit. Tricks have always been for kids. What did you think would happen when you switched out my womb for hers? Of course she would want the white picket fence and all the emotional love you had not been capable of giving. Of course she would want MORE and be IMPATIENT about it. That’s youth for you. She bedded you so quickly that she probably never got a chance to read the instruction manual that came with you. I loved you despite of all your flaws. I have them too. We were two of a kind until you gave away what was so sacred between us.

Now you are back and trust is forever broken. I think of you climaxing in her raw…sometimes. I think of you lying and telling her that she was the Sun to your Moon. Let it be clear that for 13 years…I have been the Dawn that brought out the Sun. I have been the dusk to your Moon. I am the light in every form. I am the fucking Sun and Moon. I have been all things to you and you never quite appreciated it. That was apparent when you showed me that nothing was ever going to be sacred between us again.

If nothing is sacred between us…let him sample me. Let him sing about my tightness…that tightness that I haven’t shared with anyone else in the last 8 years whether we were together or apart. If nothing is sacred between us…let him climax within me…the way you did with her…ever so easily. Let him taste me. Let him chase me. Let him crave me. Let him devour me. ME….YES ME. Let his manhood curve into and match my womanhood. Allow me to be his appetizer, main course, and dessert….let me top him off as his night cap. I am asking you because I don’t want you to feel betrayed the way I did…every time you were with her behind my back. If nothing is sacred between us…allow me to be sacred with him. Maybe between my inner walls and each of his thrusts…there lies love, trust, and loyalty. All the things, I did not receive from you.

If nothing is sacred between us…let me explore. Explore all of him. Tell him my secrets and my deepest desires. Wait for me if you dare. You are confident enough to watch him taste my narrow walls. You are confident enough to watch him break through me….over and over again. You are confident enough to hear me call out his name during our throes of passion. I shall write love notes on his body…the way I use to do to yours when things were sacred between us.

Let me be crystal clear. This battle is between YOU AND I. She was always inconsequential. A mere symptom of what was wrong between us. Betrayal can only come from those closest to us. Somehow this tightness of my womanhood that only desired you and only you for so long…has wandering eyes. I SPY HIM and I am ripe for a new lover affair. Wonder what it is like to kiss someone that isn’t you. Tell him my deepest and darkest fears. I wonder what it is like to have trust in my life again. I wonder what it is like to have his climax live only for mine. I wonder what it is like to be sacred with HIM in any time and space we choose. Will it be love? Will it be lust? It can be all of it with an endless possibility of trust. I wonder what it is like to be HIS SUN and be certain HE IS MY MOON? If nothing is sacred between us…I just may find out. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. I don’t write often anymore but when I do…I hope you feel me pouring into you…each of my readers…with every word.

NURTURING NOWHERE

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Nurturing nowhere. Now I know your first thought is…why would anyone take the time to nurture nowhere at all? This blog is going to explain just how and why this happens. Before I can successfully introduce the concept of nurturing nowhere…I need to give you some background information on me. I am a BLACK FEMINIST (I cannot stress this enough because there are some huge differences between the intersection of modern day Black and White feminism. There is a blog out there that already breaks this down for you but THIS IS NOT THAT BLOG). At the heart of feminism is equality but each feminists gets to decide where she/they applies that equality in her/their lives. I can only speak for myself.

My entire life I have been a leader…whether it was in school, after school activities, helping to raise children at a very young age, or work. I think most leaders are born…not made but any good leader knows there is a time and place where they must learn to follow. It is in these times that they become the strongest type of leader. They take that new knowledge and share. There is always something new under the sun to be learned. As long as we are breathing, we have the ability to adapt and learn. No one knows everything. THIS is an important concept. Without it, I could not begin to explore the art of nurturing nowhere.

Most men think they are qualified to lead just because of their gender! This is as preposterous as it sounds! There should be higher requirements for leadership than gender like does he have a purpose, good listening skills, great communication skills, works well under pressure, and so on. The world is falling apart right now because of…MEN! And that says a lot. But even with me being a BLACK FEMINIST, I am not opposed to a man leading in a relationship. I mean God leads me and my Daddy and brothers lead me in areas they are versed in. So I can follow and my natural feminine energy wants to follow. It’s exhausting leading all the time. I have been leading since grade school! For once, it would be nice if someone else had a plan and could implement it without ruffling my natural feminine energy. Despite the popular belief of most guys that know me, I don’t want to carry the penis AND the vagina! The vagina is strong and is a lot work in herself. Let me tend to my vagina UNLESS you (this so called leader of a man) have no fucking clue where you are headed. Baby if I sense you don’t have direction and purpose for yourself…I won’t let you lead me to the local Taco Bell! No….sir! You have to know where you are going and propose it to me in reasonable and thought out way…if you want me to follow. Imagine a math teacher only showing students the answers but they do not have the ability to show them the steps to get to said answers! How will these students thrive in the future when they need to build on their math foundation?!!!!

Now let’s go back to men leading. If it is their job to lead…then it is a woman’s job to NURTURE. Keep following me….putting feminism aside….where does this leave us women when the man leading does not have a purpose, has no plan for himself, no faith system that leads him (FYI…this has nothing to do with going to church every day and/or week. I am talking true belief system that guides him when no one is watching!), he has no plan for us…he is just…like …winging it, and his true nature is one of a follower. Do you see the problem? This is why leading by gender is a very dangerous concept. Not every man is a born leader! Now I know we have people who do not identify as any gender…this concept stays the same because you can ask these same questions of whomever that wants to lead. I believe we all have masculine and feminine energies inside of us. Some energies are natural to us while others are forced upon us in certain situations like me being the penis when all I want to be is the vagina. And forget about when I have to tap into both energies at the same damn time…EXHAUSTING.

Ok now we are getting closer to nurturing nowhere. Let’s get into the nurturing part. If women are natural born nurturers, then that means we nurture whatever our partners give us. If a man has no plan, purpose, nor belief system…then essentially he is giving a woman nothing to nurture. She is NURTURING NOWHERE. But if that man has a plan, purpose, and belief system….he is giving his woman space to NURTURE SOMEWHERE! Now why am I using the words nowhere and somewhere? I think love is a journey just like life. We don’t have to be at the final destination for me to follow. I just need my man to run the blueprint by me. Now this is not to be confused with falling in love with a man’s potential!!!! I can’t stress this point enough! It is more so about seeing that your man is a visionary in his own life, been taking baby steps towards his vision, hasn’t given up on himself nor his vision, indicates that you may be part of that long term vision, asks his woman about HER VISION (this one is so important), and lets you know there is room to grow and learn in life. These are just SOME things I look out for but tailor things to your own life and love.

Let’s go back to the part when I said a man should also ask you what your vision is! If his plan and purpose are just his alone…he is not making room for you nor any other partner. Him asking you about your vision may indicate a future for you both and how the two visions can coexist. For example, your man may want to open a bunch of businesses. He meets you and you are a baker at a bakery! You are both passionate about your career goals. Perhaps some of the businesses you both start together may be a string of bakeries around your state! BAM! His vision and your vision connect beautifully! I think this can also work even if both your career paths cannot be easily intertwined. I have a friend whose husband told her to go to graduate school first as he works and takes care of their children. Once she was done, they switched off and he went to graduate school while she worked and helped out more with the kids. Her husband didn’t think his vision for himself was more important than her vision for herself. They compromised and made both visions a family vision! Any time a person is only focused on what they want….it is probably not going to be a true partnership and most likely you are dealing with a narcissist. But I digress.

Why would a woman nurture nowhere? Two reasons that come to mind are (1) she loves that man and/or (2) she is a little lost herself! Men be careful though because whether it’s 1 or 2…the end result is usually the same. A woman will nurture nowhere til she bumps into a man who is giving her the space and opportunity to nurture somewhere! BOOM! ~KJM dropping some knowledge on you today. I may revisit this topic in the near future. For now I must rest the P (for penis) on my chest and hope this is a day I can relax in my natural feminine energy. FYI women tend to end up resenting men that force them into masculine energies 24/7.

The Train

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The subway. It has been such a long time since I have written anything and the first two words I share with you are “the subway.” Disappointing, at first, perhaps but stick with me. Nothing is as it seems when I allow myself to pour deeply into my subconscious and become somewhat conscious. I have been thinking of writing this for a while. Not sure why it took me so many years to get here. Where is here? The train also known as the NYC subway. Pre-pandemic, I worked 12 plus hours a day…6 to 7 days a week…and rode both NJ Transit and the MTA like a zombie. Train after train….face after face…some days nothing stuck and other days everything stuck. It was on one of these everything stuck train rides that birthed this particular blog. I cannot remember the year but I can remember the time period…February something. Not sure how long I had been dating the Ex Factor. Ah yes…I know you were wondering if he would be in this story and almost 13 years later…he is still in this story. I should be embarrassed or ashamed but we all maneuver in life the best way we can. Right at the start of the pandemic, I got so tired from declaring I was leaving him like I do every year. My poor friends and family were probably finally relieved I have retired from the dramatics. You leave people or stay with people exactly when you are suppose to. Declarations that you just don’t stick to become similar to New Year’s resolutions that we never quite complete. Embarrassing…I know but I always forget that I am HUMAN and by definition my life is plagued with mistakes. Anyways…enough of that disclaimer! You know good and damn well that you are on the train with the Ex Factor and I whether you like it or not! The train. On this particular evening, I was working down by Wall Street. I say that because this train ride was long enough for me to notice and feel everything. Damn…I am kind of wondering if this was in 2012…I know for a fact that February the Ex Factor and I were beefing around Valentine’s Day. I vaguely remembered that I had to work and he wanted to spend part of V Day with me and then go on to his other plans?! Hopeless romantic…he ain’t. Okay….wait that cannot be February 2012 because I was working somewhere in Midtown. Shorter train ride to the Port of Authority and less time to observe. Plus I know for a fact, the Ex Factor and I argued so bad…I stopped speaking to him for a couple of weeks. Anyway. So I am on this train from downtown to uptown…it’s February….something….and I have set the scene. I must have gotten off work earlier than usual because this particular train car is packed….as if the evening rush hour is slowly thinning out. People are laughing, reading, and even eating. Yuck to eating on the damn subway! I am standing and holding on to one of those nasty metal train poles…hoping not to get groped nor accidentally grope anyone. Suddenly, I see a couple planting gentle kisses on each other. Now I am not a huge PDA person…unless you count having sex in public places and hoping not to get caught. Sex in public places only with the Ex Factor of course. He always brings out the adventure in me…even now. Every time with him STILL feels like the first time. But I digress. Back to the kissing. I started to stare at this couple which is so unusual for me. It wasn’t the kissing that got me. It was the way he was staring at her. Like the look of I love you and only you…hit me deep in my soul. The way he looked at her during this entire train ride was a look of love and reassurance. I had always seen in movies people referring to how a man looks at a woman and insinuating certain looks of love (won’t even touch some of the disgusting and assaulting looks men give women here because this blog is about love) express something deep. To piggyback off that thought, even in real life I have had friends mention that they can tell so and so love their friend because of the way he looks at her. Don’t know if I had ever bared witness to any such looks for myself or my friends. Maybe before this train ride…I never noticed. Anyways, it got me thinking…have any of my romantic partners looked at me like this? To my recollection, NO. And certainly not the Ex Factor. That was the gut puncher right there. Now in his defense, he is 6’7 and I am 5’7. We have been in the mall and he’s almost mowed over people’s very tiny kids because they are not in his immediate view of eyesight. I yell and he quickly moves out the way. I think that’s how it’s always been. Me literally seeing things he could not. Me sparing a random toddler from getting accidentally stomped on by the Jolly Green Giant. But I digress…again. The train. This very intimate train ride got me thinking and more than just about the Ex Factor…though he was the end game. Had I ever felt loved romantically by any boy/man my entire dating life (age 15-now). The answer is NO. It didn’t matter what they all said or how much money they spent on me…romantically I had never felt loved. And what would make me feel loved? I still have no fucking clue but I know I have never felt it. Strongest unconditional love I have ever felt (besides from God Himself)…is from my Daddy. So I do know love and powerfully so…just not romantic. Now this very train ride lead to years (yea I don’t know how many) of observations. At the end of 2022, I made the most startling observation! Not only had I not felt loved by anyone I had dated but I asked myself a very tough question…DID I THINK ANY OF MY PAST GUYS FELT LOVED BY ME?? And my answer was a solid NO! This includes the Ex Factor. This thought made me sad the most… I am not built like most women I know. I grew up with a mom and grandma (my mom’s mom) being Hannibal Lecter like (see the movie “Silence Of The Lambs” for reference). We are all emotionally unavailable….mommy, me, and grandma Lecter. There is one thing that makes me different…I am only emotionally unavailable romantically… Unlike my grandma and mother, when it comes to raising kids and taking care of my cubs…I am filled with love and understanding. Ironic that I never want biological kids but that’s for a blog about my very fucked up childhood. Can’t pack everything into this blog and thank goodness for that! This train ride is all I want to focus on. It is all I want to live and feel. Me watching two lovers kiss and stare into each other’s eyes while feeling completely dead inside when it came to my own romantic pursuits. The train. If I have never intentionally and purposely given romantic love (Julio my high school boyfriend and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I have had real feelings for and if you ask me…the Ex Factor has been my one true love), it’s no fucking wonder…I have never felt romantically loved! Eureka! My mommy issues snowballed into my being emotionally unavailable and now I have this weird twisted pseudo love life that I actually didn’t ask for. Never been big on dating. Always just wanted to travel the world with two dogs (Muffy and Buffy). My cubs (for the most part) are doing well. They don’t really need me overseeing their lives like I did when they were little. But before I can board the plane with Muffy and Buffy (whom I have yet to adopt so they are more fictitious right now), two King Charles Cavaliers, I seem to be stuck on this fucking train! This train of discomfort, unfamiliar glances, love, and self analysis. I currently feel like I am sitting in shit…while now riding this metaphorical train in this still very dirty subway. Most tourists and commuters just focus on the abnormally huge sewer rats on the subway platforms. Me…I zone out…until I board a train car that has me all in my feelings. A train ride that would be the start of a major change in my life. It was a slow transformation and I still feel like I am mid metamorphosis. Not quite the cocoon. Not quite the butterfly. My first stop this year…is to focus on how I give love. Yes I deserve to receive love too but I think my entire dating life…I have been focused on what I have been receiving. Never really admitting to myself that I gave so little to those I cared for, liked, entertained, or loved! I recently had a good friend remind me of something…”Forever isn’t real. No one can predict the future so how can anyone say they will be with someone forever. All you can do is put in the work everyday.” Now turning the page to do the work. I am terrified, I am uncomfortable, this week I wanted to quit because it was not easy, I am constantly in my feelings and in my damn head, and I am exhausted at times from doing a little more than my bare minimum. I am being very real with you. But every day, since 2023 started, I have made the conscious decision to love the Ex Factor a little more. I get why some of the women in my family are dead inside and comfortable with being emotionally unavailable (even with their children)….doing the work is so hard. Believing and trusting when you cannot see what lies ahead takes constant faith! And did I mention I am at a huge turning point in my career…been barely holding my head above water for over the last 4 months but pushing forward despite it all because I refuse to drown. I am not in the best place in life and yet this is when my damn metamorphosis got more intense. Discomfort better lead to fucking growth! I am sitting in metaphorical shit on all levels of my life while still trying to learn to love unconditionally! The Ex Factor and I have both made some huge mistakes. I feel like we have been to hell and back for almost the last 13 years. Dear God, 2023 is suppose to be our Jordan year…please don’t allow us to fuck this up! Oh yea…and fuck this train. I am mentally exhausted and frankly…I only paid for one train ride. MTA. I did not ask for years of self analysis. ~KJM

The Delta, The Lambda, and The Delta Plus (Passionate First Kiss Pandemic Edition)

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I am about to tell you an ignorant tale but before I start…let me make some things crystal clear. 1. The pandemic is no fucking joke. No matter how much satire I pour into this story….please take it seriously. 2. Even smart people do dumb shit sometimes. And 3. DO NOT TRY ANY OF THIS SHIT EVER!!! Now that I have gotten my disclaimers out the way….it is probably wise for me to point out that I am a writer not a blogger. I write when it’s pouring out of me. So it’s been awhile…..NYE to be exact…since I dropped a “blog.” I would say please forgive me but it’s pointless. I am out here trying to survive in these unprecedented times….just like you. My sanity is scarce. It is probably stuck at the nearest TJ Maxx or the candy aisle of my local supermarket. Yea….so I am kind of writing you from my lair…also known as a sanity optional spot. The world is on fire! From the pandemic to the wild fires to the flooding. The world is burning. And where am I at in all of this? Sitting on a United flight to hell…also known as Florida. I snuck out of my home state like a woman that was now “on the lam” from the mob. The mob here is probably referring to any person I know with a sound voice of reason. Why listen to reasoning when I have already claimed temporary insanity and boarded a flight to a state that has some of the highest new COVID cases. I am pretty sure the new variants of the virus (The Delta, The Lambda, and The Delta Plus) are doing the one two step down in Florida and here I am doing the electric slide into that bitch! Why?! It’s for a very bizarre reason. A KISS! I’m in seat 32A and the plane hasn’t even taken off…what the fuck is it that I hear?! Cough! Cough! Cough! Somebody’s preteen kid right behind me…coughing like she French kissing….THE DELTA! This may be a fine time to mention that I was never good with Greek letters. For all I know….that chick is barking out THE LAMBDA! I am trying my best to stay calm. Why are her and her family on this flight if she is that sick? I know I can’t throat punch her…for many reasons…but mainly because it may spew out the venom of the pandemic and I am right in its path. FML. The cabin door closes and I consider putting a condom over my mask! I need my shit sealed off…completely. This may not be a safe sex scenario but I am desperate. I have a moment of clarity and then I double mask up. Oxygen is limited. So limited that it makes giving a blow job look like easy work. At least then I can come up for air. Take breaths. Pace my fucking self! And breathe bitch breathe! But no….not with the double mask. I am sealed in….gazing out the window…seeing some of my state. Like I’m looking at buildings. Wait…we been up in the air for at least fifteen minutes now. My ass should be seeing some CLOUDS! This is take off….not landing! Did my pilot forget?! Cough! Cough! Cough! That’s all I hear. Still no fucking clouds in sight. Ok…finally we are in and then over the fluffy clouds. I am flying! Traveling for not just a kiss but THE KISS! May have been more romantic if I was traveling by way of The Nina, The Pinta, and the fucking Santa Maria but for obvious reasons…they and their cousins (also known as cruise ships) were currently unavailable. I am sure passengers from the above ships were no strangers to plagues. Sigh…. Cough! Cough! Cough! That’s all I hear. 33A ain’t letting up. Mask or no mask….those coughs felt like they were piercing through my seat! And so I continue to do the electric slide to Florida….via air. On the plane, all I can think of is how I am smuggling myself into this God forsaken state! But why?! All for a kiss?! (Fun fact, I had been celibate for one year and 30 days at the time of this self imposed human trafficking event….also known as my United flight with the possible variants. FML. I am so not bright.) Yet sex is NOT what is on my mind! It is the kiss….his kiss. THE EX FACTOR’S KISS! FML. Please do not judge. Lol. If you have been following this blog since September 2015…you will remember that the Ex Factor is my weakness. He is and will probably always be my home. My happy and my sad place….all at the same damn time. And no I still do not know why. It just is. I had not kissed him since leap day February 29, 2020 and we had not made love since June 30, 2020. So much mistrust had occurred last year…but after a year and 30 days apart, I finally agreed to see him. But we both had to step outside of our comfort zones. So I am on flight The Delta, The Lambda, and The Delta Plus…nonstop to a fiery hell! The world is on fire but my love for him has held strong….to my surprise. If you recall, in one of our very heated conversations over the last year….I told the Ex Factor that I would fuck the mailman AND the milkman before I would ever consider him again…. A funny thing happened though…no mailman nor milkman could hold my attention. I found myself deep into my celibacy. Working out, praying, and meditating. I dove deeper into myself in ways I never thought possible. And I did not do it for him….I actually never thought I would ever see him again…after all the shit from Summer 2020. He cut me deep but if we are at the end of days….I can’t imagine my last moments without him. I still want to breathe him…touch him…look into his eyes….and resist the temptation to slap the piss out of him. Lol. Hey…I am human and my healing is still ongoing. I am not in a place of total forgiveness. I am, however, vacationing in a place of total insanity. Insane for him and only him. So I boarded that flight to a burning hell and risked it all for HIS KISS. It happened at the most random moment….watching “Finding Dory.” I love that movie so much. It makes me feel so vulnerable because Dory is disabled and all I want to do is protect her. I know this sounds odd….but I cannot keep myself guarded when watching something that invokes so many emotions…especially bravery. So there I was in his arms and right around the time that Dory finds her parents…I move in for the thing….I had traveled so far for….his kiss. I think he was surprised too. Don’t think he had any expectations of the weekend. We were both excited to see each other. That was enough. The world was burning yet we were still connected. I don’t have anything figured out but when I felt his lips softly press against mine….I knew dancing around The Delta, The Lambda, and The Delta Plus was worth it. I…was…home. Now it is time to Cha Cha Slide into the rest of my life. ~KJM hitting y’all with that Do Not Disturb on this Temptation Tuesday. I have no clue if I will write about the rest of the weekend. It feels good to just leave some things just between us….but it also feels good to explore one of the best weekends of my life….in my writings. Stay tuned💙

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Four Edition)

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Ah yes….here we are at chapter 4….the conclusion: It wasn’t until I publicly PRAYED for his safe travels (via Facebook) and he arrived in Miami (in August) that I confronted the Ex Factor. He seemed surprised that I knew without anyone….not even my sister….telling me. I know the signs of a disloyal dick that blows in the wind. Things got really ugly from here. We had two arguments over the phone. It was the last one that burns in my brain. That’s when the Ex Factor told me that Heather is girlfriend and wife material. She is someone he would consider marrying. He called her “WHOLESOME”….I’m guessing that’s what her pussy spelt out when she handed it to him on a platter….as he said she made the first move. He didn’t know he was gonna fuck her. I really need to get a T-shirt made that says “Wholesome Pussies Matter Too” as I forget them bitches exist until they open up like weapons of mass destruction to hurt another woman that’s never done nothing to them. Fuck! I’m not saying I was the best to the Ex Factor but I never did him like that. When I needed a break to date others….I told him BEFORE I fuck them dudes. I followed the rules of engagement because as we all know…men don’t forgive the way women do. So if you are a woman….creep right….move like a Virgin….and take your nasty deeds to your grave. That’s what I did with Elijah in 2015. I broke things off with the Ex Factor on the Friday and started seeing Elijah on the following Monday. Elijah had been after me for a while but I didn’t disgrace the Ex Factor when I was exiting. I didn’t reshare stories and post shit. If he ain’t a husband or a homie….no non related dude is getting posted on my page. At least….I’ve never done it. I’m like the IRS and God….I only recognize marriages. And I was not marred. So I went after my possible happiness with Elijah peacefully and in silence. My Daddy taught me the game. You get more loyal hoes with honesty. I expected the same….total honesty…and if you can’t do that….don’t ever publicly embarrass me. Damn! The Ex Factor said he was going to tell me he fucked Heather when we met in person but I never allowed the meeting to take place because I ALREADY KNEW. It was 2012 again (see first blog called The Knowing) but this time he fucked her. It wasn’t the act….we were just about over…it’s how he did me. A woman who loved him imperfectly for 10 years. After our second argument in August, I slipped into a depression. Faced head on with my health issues…I had a very painful procedure with NO PAIN MEDS in my doctor’s office. They looked for cancer, polyps, and any abnormalities around my tumors. I was still unemployed as medical bills piled up. And then the Ex Factor fucked Heather! It was a low point…but by the Grace of God….I got up. Nicole stayed on the phone with me for MONTHS so I wouldn’t be alone. Her and my bro, Junior, took turns listening to hours of crying. I felt like I was losing my damn mind! My friends and family rallied around me and I got up….just in time to have a surgery in October to shrink my fibroids. I had a complication so they weren’t able to shrink both. My symptoms did not subside after my surgery….so in 2021 I will have to go to a specialist who can remove the tumors but preserve or repair my uterine lining if something goes wrong in surgery. Fuck! What a year! Nicole kept me visual and working on my insta and YouTube pages. She pushed to stay visual even in my darkest hours….for 12 days in August I felt like I was dying….inside and out. I didn’t think I could do it but I did!!!! I have two tumors growing in my body and I just got done speaking with the Ex Factor. ~KJM on December 31, 2020. Happy NYE 2021 and TBT! My only goal in these conversations is to let go of all the anger. If you are reading this and you think you are the man for me…..I’m working on healing. Just love on me and come whole. Let God guide us. I have two tumors growing in my body….but in 2021 this will hopefully not be the case. I’m preserving my womb best I can. Don’t ever attempt to plant a seed if you don’t intend on building something with me. I use to be a bit disloyal but 5 years ago…I reformed myself. Even on our breaks….I have never even kissed a man that wasn’t the Ex Factor (in the last 5 years). I can love and love hard but I cannot fall in love through sex. Love my heart first, find my mind sexy, support me, and build me up so that everything in this blog feels like a novel I once read. One from the past….a best seller at that….representing a time where I stopped loving myself….until I fell in love with me again. To the Ex Factor, this blog is based on my point of view. I have no clue why this all happened. I hurt. I heal. I smile. Life goes on. We are toxic to each other. I really hope she brought you happiness. If not….you really fucked up! Still….there will always be a part of me that loves you. Always gonna refer to you as my baby daddy. One love💙 “I got a story to tell!”~ Biggie Smalls

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Three Edition)

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I could feel the Ex Factor pulling away as he nervously waited for his very delayed unemployment to kick in. Mid June I was laid off too. That’s when SHE SPOKE IN TONGUES. My body needed me to hear her. Finally doctors were allowed to see patients. I met with my GYN for my annual and briefly mentioned my symptoms. He was alarmed. And so 7 months of testing, bloodwork, physicals, procedures, and surgery began. My entire life, I’ve always been healthy. For 38 years, every doctor appointment I’ve ever attended ended with a perfect bill of health. Never even broke a bone. The most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me was getting all four of my wisdom teeth pulled in December 2016. But on my 39th trip around the sun, my body spoke and I listened. My very first transvaginal pelvic ultrasound revealed….not that I was pregnant but that my body had been housing two small benign tumors. TUMORS. I can’t tell you what it does to a woman….even a woman like myself….who was not planning on ever conceiving….to see tumors on my very first ultrasound. TUMORS. I had two tumors growing in my body as he slipped away. It felt like he was abandoning me at a time I NEEDED HIM. To top it off….the Ex Factor was distant while living 40 minutes from me. I had two tumors growing in my body and that’s….that’s …that’s when he chose to sleep with his sister’s friend! Let’s call her…Heather. Heather owed me nothing….but him and his sister….they hurt me. I felt betrayed. The Ex Factor was moving. The universe was separating us. I accepted that. But I had two tumors growing in my body when I watched his insta stories…the ones he reshared from Heather’s page. I knew he was fucking her….I know how he looks after sex. I can probably tell you the day it occurred. The Ex Factor held Heather out as if she was his girlfriend….while I had two tumors growing in my body. He was so wrapped up in his own pain that he either didn’t see my pain or didn’t want to see my pain. Somehow God gave me the strength to go to every doctor’s appointment. I put my health first as he fucked Heather. And a basic bitch she was. Trust I would say if she was a bad one. Looks are not everything but if you gonna play me out…let me see Angela Bassett or Halle Berry up under you. What I saw was one of those “pick me bitches” who waits until a man is low to offer him pussy. Of course this is how I saw it. I am sure his version is very different. Heather looked like one of those women he would have had to repeatedly tell that she isn’t basic. The Ex Factor would have to tell her she’s pretty….every day of her fucking life…for her to really believe it. And I’m sure in return she made him feel like a King. Still…I had two tumors growing in my body. Bleeding out every month. Crying for pain. Yet people fucked through my pain. That’s how I felt. Let me be clear about something….Heather is not my family member nor friend so she owes me nothing but she is friends with MY sister and the Ex Factor’s sister. Yikes. Close to fucking home it was. I felt humiliated. Why couldn’t he have waited until he got to Miami?! I could give a damn then who he would have been screwing. Unfortunately, I watched the stories and saw the posts. Enter me into their bedroom antics. It will take the Ex Factor years to realize….he wanted me to know he was fucking Heather. We had rules about these kinds of things. Give me a heads up…..don’t have me find out on social network. Yet I held all my pain in and focused in on my two tumors. EXIT CHAPTER THREE

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter Two Edition)

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We had had a horrible argument in February where I did something I had NEVER done before with a romantic partner my entire dating life. I began to cry. At the drop of the first tear….in front of him….I locked myself in my bathroom and demanded he leave. And leave he did. I did not know how to be the type of woman who weeps in a man’s arms. No one had ever taught me how to do that. It use to bother Julio, my first boyfriend, so much that he has known me for so long (23.5 years to be exact) and he had never seen me cry….for ANY reason. I learned from my father how to master my emotions until I am alone and prior to 2020, I was damn good at it. Even my friends are surprised when they hear me crying on the phone. It’s like my tears escaped everyone but me. I suffer through anger…not tears. And if tears ever fall….anger is right behind it. I don’t want to ever be weak. 2020 made me realize….tears are not weak. Each tear drop takes strength….the strength to expose our vulnerabilities….never knowing if we will be loved or rejected. Tears still bravely fall even if no one welcomes them. They exist on their own terms. Tears are freeing bad asses….that never get credit for being such a force. Tears can clear a path that mortal man often fear to tackle. Tears are God’s way of saying….”let no weapon formed against you prosper.” At least….that’s how I now view my tears. Back to this shit show. As the Ex Factor exited, he whispered that “this did not feel like closure.” This I could hear clearly through my bathroom walls and my quiet muffled cries. It was Leap Day 2020. By March, COVID-19 was on the scene and of course I reached out to the Ex Factor. We clung to each other despite all our issues. We fought again around my birthday in May. By the first weekend in June, our lives were completely unrecognizable. He had gotten laid off and was now moving to Miami with some of his friends. I felt devastated….silly me thinking June 06, 2020, the day he announced he was moving, was one of the worst days of my life. I didn’t know WORST. 2020 was just starting to hand me my ass. I lost a close childhood friend, Charles Burke, due to COVID-19, my body was still speaking to me, pandemic blues had set in, and now I was losing the Ex Factor. My spirit was leaving my body. My spiritual retrograde was just beginning. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Damn this blog is gonna be long. Sorry Nicole…(my biggest supporter) but I got a story to tell. I want to be swift about it but my spirit is floating over my body. EXIT CHAPTER TWO

Two Tumors (The Knowing Part 2 Chapter One Edition)

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I have two benign tumors growing in my body. There is a part of me that wanted to tell this story when I’m stronger…happier but here we are on the very last day of 2020 and I just want to bury it and leave it all here. With 90s music playing in the background and all the positive vibes I can muster up….I will aim to tell this story….swiftly….truthfully as I know it and feel it. I loved as hard as I could and I lost. By now you probably figured out I lost…after all….you haven’t heard from me since July. I took these last 5 months to properly fall apart and put myself back together. I don’t want this blog to be long because I don’t want to lose my courage….I don’t want to lose my way. 2020 has stolen so much from us collectively….across the globe. Yes I have two small benign tumors growing in my uterine lining. This is where it all began. Don’t feel sorry for me….I lived and loved. I fell apart….yet I am still here to tell the story. So let me do just that before I lose you. My body started to feel like it wasn’t mine in November 2019. I knew something was off but I did not think that it could be serious. Many of my female friends told me that certain symptoms were occurring because we are getting older. I accepted this as truth until I could speak to my GYN in person. I lived, I loved, I bled, and I fought with the Ex Factor. Then the pandemic hit and the world began to spin. There was no time to listen to my body yet she spoke. She spoke volumes to me….even in pandemic lock down. The months past and the walls of my apartment saw me crying, saw me bleeding out, and felt the electric currents of pain sweeping through my body. No pain meds in sight. Just me…loving and living the best I could. I decided that if this year may have been our last days on this earth (pandemic thoughts here)….I did not want to spend a moment without the Ex Factor. So I reached for him and held on tightly. So tight, he may have felt like my hostage. We are locked in. We are in masks. We are unsure. He was my only real visitor until I had my surgery in October… but wait. I am not there yet. EXIT CHAPTER ONE

SIGNS

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It is rare that I debate for an entire week whether to write a blog or not but here I am. I am trying to decide how far I let you guys in. Why? What I am going to write about is embarrassing, heartbreaking, and even tragic to me. Some of you will question my self esteem. Can I stop you right there? Please know this…it is possible to have great self esteem and find yourself in a bad situation. Anyone (man or woman) who tells you they have never dealt with bullshit in their personal lives are LIARS! It is a HUMAN (not only woman) thing to want the person you love to change. I have a long list of men that waited for years for me to change…yet I didn’t until I was ready. And I changed for ME and only ME. The only difference with women and men on this topic is women are vocal about it….while men, on the other hand, will hide from everyone when they are selling their souls to be with a woman. It’s an ego thing….but trust it is also a human thing. Okay! Okay! Enough of that. I am sure you are wondering where the hell am I going with this. The beginning of last week, I had a discussion with an older family member that I will call, Tina. She and I have recently gotten close in 2020. Speaking to my older family members about life and love is something I do often…only typically I am interviewing the man whores in my family. Tina was a refreshing change from the man whores. The topic of our discussion was SIGNS or as some of you like to call it, RED FLAGS. Tina was very young, a teenager, when she first married so I skipped asking about her first marriage. We dug in deep when we talked about her second marriage. Tina’s second marriage is a source of pain and trauma for her. Just the mention of her ex husband sends shock waves through the phone. By now, they had been divorced almost a decade but there was some lingering hurt and pain there for a bunch of reasons that I don’t have time to get into. Let’s get to the meat of this blog. Right smack in the middle of the conversation, I asked Tina if she had missed the signs that her second husband had always been a terrible person….even prior to them marrying?! Every woman in my family that has/had a bad marriage had SIGNS of who they were marrying before they got married. It was a matter of did they pay attention or did they ignore them? I have a theory. 90% of people show you who they are ALMOST right away. Only 10% (I don’t have the math down to a science….just spitting out numbers) of people (serial killers, sociopaths, intelligent people with personality disorders etc.) are capable of completely hiding who they are to people who are close to them…and even then I would say there are still tiny signs in those circumstances….you know…like that nagging feeling we have but we just don’t know what is wrong. That is your gut…baby girl…. Your intuition is trying to tell you something. That what you see isn’t real but what you feel is sending you smoke signals. Don’t believe me? Okay….let’s attack the subject of Domestic Violence (DV). Most (not all) of the women in my family were being beaten by their spouses before marriage whether they were a teenager or in their 30s getting married! Meaning they weren’t just undergoing emotional, mental, financial, and psychological abuse….the ones that are harder for people to acknowledge….they were straight up getting their asses beat and still married these men. Now I know DV has bigger components than I am discussing here…such as the “Battered Woman Syndrome,”….but in this blog, I am just using it as an example of signs/red flags that appeared before marriage. On to another sign, most of them had also been cheated on by that spouse before they married as well! SIGNS! They are usually there. However, the interesting thing about signs/red flags is the sign you receive may not indicate the direct trauma you are about to experience. For example, let’s say your boyfriend constantly lies about everything. Those lies may not say exactly that you will be dealing with a cheater down the line…but they are signs that you are dealing with a person you cannot trust! And even if he does not turn out to be a cheating husband….he could be hiding an addiction. I am just pointing this out to let you know that signs are red flags that something is off. Sometimes they indicate the exact thing and sometimes they indicate that even if you cannot put your finger on it….you need to get the hell out of there and RUN! Okay now that that is settled….back to Tina. I asked her about possible signs that her second husband wasn’t shit specifically because they dated AND lived together for about 7 or 8 years before they married! Since I was a teenager, I always thought the mistake most women in my family made was marrying very young. As I grew up, I realized that even the women who married in their 30s made the same or worst mistakes than my family members who were teenage brides! FML! I use to think as long as I don’t marry my first boyfriend, first love, and the first guy to take my virginity….which for me all equals ONE guy, Julio,…..then I would beat the generational curse. FML! The 30 some year olds in my family broke this theory over and over again. Ugh…I am just so exhausted! This is one of the main reasons why I lean on the NO MARRIAGE side. Not one living person in my family had a good marriage. The women were abused and the men were abusers/womanizers! Only my great grandmother, Alice, I am told….had a great marriage with my great grandfather, DADA. I can believe this because while Dada died when I was very young, I got to experience the love and care from Alice. She was an extraordinary woman! I can only see her as having the best that life had to offer. Miss you grandma, Alice. Now back to the signs. According to Tina, she did not see any signs while dating her second husband but she does admit she was working so much to put her child through college that it is possible she missed them. Now here’s where things get tricky. I am not doubting that Tina believes this to be her experience but I have a big problem with it. Remember that 10% that can hide themselves better than anyone else? Yea…Tina’s second husband was NOT that bright. And OMG was he ugly. Lol. Just had to point that out because while they were married for almost a decade….I don’t think I can pick him out of a line up…but I know his ass was UGLY inside and out! Anytime I was over their house having dinner with other family members…her second husband was rude. I am really having a hard time believing that that toad was ever charming! Dead ass! Since Tina either had a memory lapse or is delusional, I asked her to describe what their dating life was like for those 7 or 8 years prior to marriage. From there, I pointed out what I saw as SIGNS…. Maybe not signs that he would be an abusive cheater but signs he was not a good man. Each sign, I presented, Tina made an excuse for how she saw it. Now her voice is high and shaking. I am not trying to upset her…trust that I am not. I am trying to get her to see that there were in fact signs! Tina disagreed with me. And that’s her truth as she knows it. I cannot argue with her about her life but in a bigger picture sense….there’s a larger demon to tackle. If we don’t admit to ourselves that there were signs/red flags….we forever stay the victim! If we missed the signs the first time around and don’t admit to doing so….we now go through life thinking bad stuff just happens to us and that we can never control any of it. Yikes! I don’t want to go through life not taking responsibility in the demise of my own heart! And I need to try something different from the women in my family because I want a better life! Not judging them….just trying to break this generational curse. Now to the embarrassing part. If I am going to examine Tina, I am going to examine my damn self too but in more detail because I am the master of my own destiny and my pain will not set me back. My truth, as I know it, will set me free. The Ex Factor is the guy I’ve loved the most and he is also the most toxic guy to enter my life. He knows this. I say it often. When we met in Summer 2010, it was only to date for the summer before we BOTH went back to our first loves. I fell in love within in month and he fell in lust. Plus his first love turned out to be a whore who slept with one of his best friends! For me, once I knew I had feelings for the Ex Factor, Julio no longer existed. I had stopped being attracted to Julio back in January 2010 so falling out of complete love with him….made it that I permanently left him alone. I don’t know what drew me to the Ex Factor. He was 20 and I was 29. I really thought Julio, by default, was the only guy I would have real feelings for in my entire lifetime. Up until the Ex Factor, I considered myself REAL LOVE proof. Dated many guys and somewhat cared about most of them but never really loved! It caught me by fucking surprise and to this day I don’t understand why him. Why did I fall for the Ex Factor? Ten years later and I still don’t understand why I fell for him! But here’s the kicker….I got my first sign that I was in a toxic situation about 3.5 months into dating him. You have to understand that I was in denial about falling in love with him for YEARS. A deep denial. And maybe to this day it isn’t real love on my part…maybe it only disguised itself as such. My love is nothing like what is described in 1Corinthians13. I am not sure who can really love like that except God. And I am not sure if I can ever love a man like that. Just taking responsibility for my shit. Back to SIGNS! The Ex Factor had a BBQ Labor Day weekend in 2010. 3.5 months into us dating. Also, this was what I thought would be my final weekend in NJ before accepting a job in D.C. The Ex Factor invited me only because I invited him to my family’s block party back in July but he and his family were out of town that weekend. His invitation to me was one that said he didn’t really want me around his family….but he was just inviting me because I invited him. To this day, I only know his sister, and I met him through her and my sister! I never went to his family BBQ. The Ex Factor has always kept me at a distance. And so for the last ten years, I returned the favor….he only knows my siblings. Never invited him to a single family gathering after that summer. Another red flag is up until that point we were joined by the hip. I knew his friend circle well. Now I don’t know a single person he hangs out with. He can say the same for me of course. Lastly, Labor Day weekend in 2010, is when he told me he was not into doing long distance relationships and that he was not ready for a serious relationship. Up until I got my job in D.C., the Ex Factor moved like Casanova! But I guess that was because he was in lust and this was only suppose to be a summer thing! I should have left him for good that weekend….that’s been one of my biggest regrets that only a Labor Day Weekend in Vegas can cure. The anniversary of that weekend I should have left him….right when I got my signs….use to depress me so. But I digress. For the span of a decade, I would leave the Ex Factor at least once a year….except for 2016-2018 I think. It was a toxic cycle. I would leave, be sad for a little, and then carry on with my life until he popped up again. And yes I would always take him back! Once again, I was in denial about how deep I was in this mess! I had never been in a cycle such as this. Julio and the Ex Factor are the only two guys I’ve ever taken back! With Julio though, I would leave him because I wanted to date other guys…see what else was out there. We were just too young to be so serious. And he always knew he wanted to be married with children one day. I wanted none of that….turns out…with him. Julio spent years trying to “tame the shrew.” I just wanted to get my education, travel, and explore different guys. Good thing too or I would be bad in bed! Lol. Julio and I lost our virginities to each other…we needed to go learn from others before even attempting to settle down. At least….that was my theory. For 20 years, Julio would come back hoping we could work it out. I’ve known him now for 23 years. Despite his flaws, he deserves someone who wants him…not just someone settling for him. If you are still reading this…you have earned these confessions. Try not to judge me. After Labor Day Weekend 2010, there would always be signs that the Ex Factor was not good for me. Here are some of the big signs. In 2016, after we reconciled for like the millionth time, I asked him for a deeper commitment (right around the time I found out my dad had cancer). The Ex Factor said no. That’s when I should have exited stage left for good. 2015 is the last time he’s taken me on a date, 2016 he said no to a deeper commitment (as mentioned up above), 2017…the day before my Dad’s cancer removal surgery the Ex Factor took back his one “I love you”….said he doesn’t think he has ever been in love with anyone, 2018 I can’t think of what damaging thing he has done but I know he did some shit….just can’t remember, 2019 he told me I can date other guys (prior to….for years I had been telling him that he can leave me alone and go fuck other girls…my shop is closed….figured I would hold myself accountable here), and February 29, 2020, leap day, took the fucking cake! He had the nerve to tell me that he is only doing certain shit for his wife (clearly that ain’t me) and that I’m the one that has been chasing him for a decade! This is particularly hurtful because in June 2013, I accidentally moved to Richmond VA, to get away from the Ex Factor! I moved 340 miles to get away from him…yet I was chasing him?! He was on full block for 2014 until he left me a blocked voicemail! The fucking nerve! February 29, 2020 was our second in person fight and the worst fight we ever had! I started crying and then locked myself in the bathroom while I told him to get out!!! Up until that point, I HAD NEVER EVER CRIED IN FRONT OF A ROMANTIC PARTNER….not even Julio who has known me since I was 15 years old! He use to get so pissed at the that fact that he had never seen me cry! Welp Julio…I finally cried. Hence the dramatic movement of locking myself in my fucking bathroom! What a mess! So yes there were fucking signs! I could see them clear as day but I was in too deep! I know at this point you are probably questioning my sanity…shit I am questioning myself! The thing I’ve learned from this is…it is so much easier to walk away from someone when you don’t love them. Also, love can be blind or it can be painfully obvious and we still choose to stay! The one thing the Ex Factor got right was none of this would have been possible if I hadn’t kept taking him back. The woman does control the situationship/relationship. No matter what these jokers make you think….no one can continuously do shit to you (absent abuse, imprisonment etc.) unless you allow it. So why did I allow it? Karma! I’ve done so much shit to so many guys purposely and accidentally it ain’t even funny! Part of it is because I grew up around DV and learned that if you ever let a man control your world…you may end up severely injured or DEAD! Another part of it is, I have never ever seen healthy relationships in my family. Lastly, I’m immature as fuck and didn’t start growing up (in my personal life) until FIVE YEARS ago! And it was not because of the Ex Factor….my growth isn’t really about him. I just got tired of being the old emotionally cheating/sometimes physically cheating me that I had been since I was 15! I don’t know how the OG man whores in my family keep up their whoring well into their 60s! Whoa Chile! That sounds exhausting! Now I’m not saying I’m a whore….I am far from it….but what I am saying is I had an issue with fidelity and loyalty. I learned from the men in my family to always have a side piece waiting. That brings me to another point. Most men don’t cheat out of opportunity…anyone can make the opportunity to cheat because you cannot be with your spouse 24/7….they cheat out of insecurity! I learned that from interviewing the OGs and from myself. The insecure me always needs Phoenix waiting. Haven’t seen him in 6 years by the way. The insecure me always needed guys to be like shoes…in pairs. If I’m not getting what I want from the main guy…then my side guy provides. I stopped that shit, accidentally, in November 2015…after Elijah gave me that asshole rip! FML. So this November 2020 will make it 5 years that I’ve ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally loyal to a man….the Ex Factor! I did that shit for me. Even though the Ex Factor does not deserve me…I needed to stop these side entanglements (lol) because they were a waste of time with guys I didn’t even like nor care about. Phoenix is the exception out of all my side dudes. I will always have mad respect for him and be grateful for him. He took me through a lot of situations and was always there when I needed him. That’s a true friend right there. I only broke things off with him because he had a shot at keeping his family together and I wanted that for him. I want Phoenix to be happy! And I pray that he is. One more thing….ugh I know this blog is so long…my apologies for that….but I have to say this. I accept responsibility for the mess I’ve been in for the last 10 years. The end is near on that….I think. But I do have to admit some things. I have not always been kind to the Ex Factor. I don’t respect him as a man. He is not the type of man I want to introduce to my father. Most of the time I feel like I hate him more than love him. I speak to him in such a disrespectful way that I have never ever spoken to any other guy (while dating them). The Ex Factor has hurt me the most. I long for the day when that pain goes away because I don’t want to stay traumatized like so many women I know. I say this all to really say….we have been toxic to each other but I am only concerned with my healing. He is responsible for his own healing. I can only do the work for me. One day, I hope and pray I can recognize, appreciate, and love a good man. Kind of done thinking the Ex Factor and I can grow to be better people to each other. He’s in lust….and I’m not quite sure why I stayed so long. He was right…this ain’t love. Maybe it’s OBSESSION…NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN?! Whatever it is…I still feel it deeply. FML! ~KJM on Manic Monday. I know that was a lot. Digest and tell me how you feel. No matter what…. I still believe in love. Only God can take love away. Not man. 💙

Dreaming With A Broken Heart (The John Mayer Was Right Edition)

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I fall asleep at night feeling defeated. So much around me is changing. We are in a pandemic. So many permanent goodbyes yet all that surrounds me at night is my broken heart. Do you know what it is like to dream with a broken heart? “When you are dreaming with a broken heart” ….John Mayer was right….”The waking up is the hardest part.” Just as I awaken, for a split second, I feel like everything is okay. That the Ex Factor will always physically be near me. My dreams tell me it will be okay and that God is still in control. But I awaken and for that split second, I don’t remember that I have a broken heart. I don’t have the guilt of wasted times and wasted break ups. My heart is not filled with regrets…and I am smiling. The moment my eyes open I just know the day is going to be filled with love and no sorrows. That is how sweet my dreams are. Then I remember and my heart gets so heavy. So heavy that there feels like there is a building on my chest. And suddenly it is hard to breathe. Tears start rolling down my face. Then I get sad that I was awakened out of my sleep. My beautiful sleep. We sometimes make love in my dreams. We appreciate and respect each other so much more in my dreams. Most importantly, nothing can separate us in my dreams. We are together. We are happy. And we even have a family. A family. One of the key things 5 year old me nor 28 year old me could never envision. I feel like he’s taking all of me with him. I know many of you may think I’m being super dramatic but have you ever truly met a woman that never wanted to get married and/or have children? The universe has to do so much work to get her uterus to even do a little dance. She yearns for everything unconventional and wants nothing that is conventional. Her whole life is most likely planned with solo travels and dreams of visiting every continent. She does not hear the “pitter patter” of little feet unless she simultaneously hears the voice of God. Her soul is open to so much yet closed off to so much. She can attend a million weddings and hold a million babies and never say…’I am next.’ She just doesn’t operate that way. So for my dreams to be so vivid for the last ten years, for my soul to open up a bit, and for me to even admit that I love….even if it’s in the most toxic form…. is HUGE. To me, it’s nothing short of an act of God. GOD! And where is HE in all of this?! The Ex Factor cannot confirm nor deny that HE exists but I can. For weeks, I have been so angry with them both. I cannot get around this feeling. I have to go through it and y’all know how much I hate going THROUGH something. I always want to skirt around the feeling or the emotion. I want to dance around it but I can’t. Stuck with my broken heart. And where is GOD?! Why does HE allow me to dream such beautiful dreams if HE is only going to awaken me from them. Separate me from them. Leave me in a sea of pain. Where is GOD?! I think this is the first time in a long while that I question HIM. And not just about what’s going on with the Ex Factor but also for all the loss myself, my loved ones, and the world has endured due to this pandemic. Why now? Why us? Where are YOU? I ask yet nothing feels answered. I pray everyday starting with two scriptures: one for love (1 Corinthians 13) and one for protection (currently Psalm 91). Praying as soon as I wake is a habit. So even on my angry days I pray but I don’t feel like a faithful Christian. I feel challenged. I feel sad. I feel angry. And most of the time, I am at such a loss for words that tears are streaming down my face. Throughout the day, I talk with HIM. I imagine HIM walking with me. Lord, I am trying to trust your vision even when I cannot see where it may lead. There’s just so much more I want to say about this but my questioning GOD is not really what this blog is about. I am still dreaming with a broken heart. Tears are falling as I write this. I have to believe that GOD is in control because I really have no choice. Relying on my own mind and heart has always landed me in a sea of guilt and regret. Ironically, Summer 2007, when Julio broke up with me…I don’t remember being angry with GOD. I was angry with Julio and only with Julio. He had pulled the rug from up under me and even in my state of sadness I never ever thought he left me for another woman. I just thought he left me when I needed him the most. He was not patient, he was not kind. Julio was none of the things to me that was written in 1 Corinthians 13 about love. Not one of them. I think that is why I was not angry with God. I had no choice but to trust HIS plan because it was clear the one I was kind of just going along with was not for me. I am only bringing up Summer 2007 because it’s really the only thing I can remember about my relationship with Julio. The pain of getting through that summer. It is like the Good Lord erased the rest of the ten years I had spent with him. My memory is sharp yet I have little memory of what it felt like to be with him. I only remember the final hurt. The thing is…back then I was sleeping with a broken heart….I was not dreaming with one. To my recollection, I never had one dream of marriage or a family. So l slept with my broken heart…only to years later…almost three years to the exact date of Julio and my breakup…learn to not only love again but to dream with an open heart. That is what Summer 2010 did for me. It took Summer 2020 to make me realize that. Holding onto the Ex Factor for ten years was not wrong. No matter what happens in life…if you meet a person that awakens dreams in you that you never thought were possible or you thought were dead long ago…you get into the passenger side of their car and you guys follow the road where ever it may go. That is exactly what I did. Took this pandemic to make me realize that the Ex Factor is right…I have always been the glue that has kept us together. I am the reason we know each other for more than a summer. Without me, we would never have gotten this far. I made some mistakes. We made some mistakes. He was not ready and still is not ready. But I’m gonna tell you something most women would NOT admit to themselves nor anyone else…I was not ready either. Just started to get ready (naturally) about five years ago. Still not fully there yet. I still have so much work to do on myself. I am a late bloomer in matters of the romantic heart. And my ego has played a huge role in my delay. Pride and ego. Erase them from your vocabulary if you truly want to grow. Trust that self love will be the shield that protects and guides you during your journey to romantic love. And breathe through it all. Trusting your steps. Trusting HIS vision. Trusting your heart. Breathe through it all. Can you do that for me? I pray so. Because if you don’t…you may end up like me…dreaming with a broken heart. “When you are dreaming with a broken heart…the waking up is the hardest part. When you are dreaming with a broken heart”….John Mayer was right….”The giving up is the hardest part.” ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday💙

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