The one that got away … from me….was not my lover, my man, nor my lust. He was someone more meaningful. But I could not see it. I could not even feel him. I was all over the place…all three times…that he approached me on us being something real. I…just could not…see it. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until recently that I realized what he was saying and in the most awkward way. We took some pictures back in the end of 2002/beginning of 2003. I have seen these pictures a million times. After all, they are in one of my photo albums from college. A few years ago, I screenshot some of these pictures and posted them on FB. So these pictures have been a part of my life for so long. They are me and I am them. But the other day, FB memories showed one and my mouth dropped open. I saw something I had never seen before! ? Now you have to understand where I am coming from…I HAVE STARED AT THE PHOTO IN QUESTION HUNDREDS OF TIMES IN THE LAST 16 YEARS! But like I never really LOOKED deeply at it. I’m not sure how I could have missed it….missed what was there. There he was…smiling hard…and there I was….looking happy, secure, and glowing. We looked like a COUPLE IN LOVE! ??♀️ To be sure, I sent my sister, Brenda, the picture with no words and she instantly thought he was someone I had dated and forgot to mention. That man wanted to marry me and I was oblivious to what he was saying at the time. Too focused on Jason, Julio, Crazy, and Phoenix. Too preoccupied to know…he was on to something. Too stupid to realize…he was my protector. After all, he had been my protector….all through college. Too busy honoring folks who never really honored me. Too busy thinking my heart and mind were clear on most things. It took til I got in my 30s for me to realize…I don’t know shit. My one that got away was not my lover, my man, nor my lust. HE WAS MY FRIEND! ❤️ That means he has seen my crazy upfront and still wanted me. I still think women do the choosing in relationships and should continue to do so…but you know what that picture was telling showing me…had there been no Jason (because they were teammates)…I just may have chose him too. After all, I chose him to be my friend up until 2012. Then I let him go. Part of me wants to post the photo I’m referring to but if you are on my private page…you have seen it. And I’m not going to post somebody’s husband for over a decade and change…publicly…in what could be seen as a disrespectful. So I have no choice but to let it go. Why am I telling you all this? There was a part of me that could have gone with him but I just could not see it. Over his non married years, we have slept next to each other. Him holding me. Him protecting me. Him being consistent. And all we did was sleep! He has seen me in my head scarf, seen me hurt from Crazy, seen me worrying about my safety when I was leaving Crazy, and seen me date Jason on and off. My homie really held me down. I think he got me. Took me like 20 years to see it…see myself happy, secure, and glowing. But I lived it. We were there and part of me was with him…my one that got away. ❤️ ~KJM flashing back on Flashback Friday. I really hope you are super happy my friend! You made the right choice. May eternal joy and love always fill you and your wife’s hearts. One Love ?
It was July 14, 2010. We were by the Tappan Zee Bridge. Sun showers surrounded us and in that moment you took my hand as we ran for cover. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt at home. And it was in that simple moment that I fell in love with you…the Ex Factor. It took exactly one month of us dating for me to be sure I was in love. I didn’t plan it. Lord knows I would never have purposely put myself through all I have endured in these last nine years if I could have helped it. I fell…never thinking I could ever fall so deeply in love with anyone. Who you showed yourself to be then…wasn’t who you turned out to be. Yet I was in too deep to turn back around. Summer 2010 flowed effortlessly. We laughed. We talked. We laughed some more. We made love everywhere and anywhere. I had never wanted to spend so much time with a guy before. I think…that summer…we were together at least five out of the seven days of the week. Most weeks….it was six days. And I basked in all that was you. I watched you sleep. Something I would not do again for another eight years! Each breath you took….my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t have it all figured out….how could I?! This was just suppose to be a summer thing until I worked things out with Julio and you with your first love. That was the plan! But within one month of knowing you…my heart scratched the plan and began writing an unknown song. So much around me was going wrong…yet I clung to you and we laughed. We made love….for hours…sometimes days. You were mine and I was yours. So I thought. Love actually doesn’t give one enough time to think. Love is a FEEL thing. I felt! And I hoped we could work things out. Then all of a sudden, the summer was ending and I got a job in DC…which gave me 48 hours to relocate. This changed everything. You didn’t want to do long distance. That made sense because none of us knew if I was ever coming back to Jersey. Turns out…I would hate my job and return to you…fully…in two months. The first real thing we had to deal with threw off the course of our summer affair. Yet I loved! And I hung on. I never ever held on to anyone so tight…before you. We fought Labor Day weekend 2010 and decided to split. Yea….I’m backing up here a bit. Your family threw a bbq that weekend. You laughed with your friends while I was home packing and crying. Still I could not let you go. I laugh so hard at this thought now because all I’ve done ever since then was let you go. Some how…though…you always found your way back to me. Up until I started making Vegas my home for Labor Day weekends, I use to dread the anniversary of Labor Day 2010. I should have broke my own heart right then and there. I should have forever walked away!!! I regret. I regret. I regret but how can I…when I made a decision with my heart for the very first time in my life! I did the best I could. I tried! And no matter how many times I tell this story…remember that I was once happy and I was once deeply in love…with you. To all who are reading this….I say…sometimes you have to break your own heart to be free. If I had had the courage to let go Labor Day weekend….I may have found my forever love by now. A guy that can communicate. A guy who knows how to love. A guy who appreciates me. Nine years later…I want to slap myself in the face but what good would that do? Hearts want what they want. And it took me 29 years to listen to my heart. ~KJM in Charm School Monday. And so the saga continues. ??♀️
I know we are in the middle of some kind of damn retrograde but am I the only one where ex lovers and ex friends are popping up like a new set of cockroaches the exterminator didn’t get?! I have heard from some folks that I haven’t spoken to in like 6 or 7 years! Truth be told….all of this “reunited and the shit don’t feel good” mess started for me in June! Yet I feel so much better blaming the circus show that is currently my life on the damn retrograde. We going backwards for real! Money funny, lover estrange (don’t act like y’all don’t know who I’m referring too??♀️), and eccentric associates with crazy ideas! As I am trying to bob and weave through this circus ring (literally…even bumped into Elijah a few times…fuck), I cannot help but hold on to my peace like our church grandmothers would to their good wigs and church hats during a wind storm! ???Hanging on for dear life! Who told these people that their presence was warranted?! Did someone send them a telegram…reminding them to shake my Summer up?! ??♀️ I have no clue who let some of these folks out of the zoo! All I am trying to do is enjoy my #hotgirlsummer (even though I have been living a #hotgirllife all up and through my 30s?) and stay hydrated while I pray for money to start raining down on me. That’s it! I am just trying to be great! Why won’t they let me be great?! No matter what I SHALL CONTINUE TO BE GREAT! ? People are always going to try to interrupt our peace! Some out of spite and some in the name of “love.” Take a deep breath and refocus. Don’t let them rattle you. Breathe in and out. Downward face your dog. Have your heart rising forward no matter what! And if you are lucky….NAMASTE on some GOOD DICK that loves you (or at least respects you). Get that orgasm sis! ? Replenish your body with some water. And then upward facing dog on any trick trying to bring you down. Protect your peace at all times! ?? I don’t care if your retrograde folks are family, friends, or foes…get their asses in check! And if you can’t do that…cause some shit ain’t worth your energy…just leave them the fuck alone! ~KJM in Charm School Monday! Namaste ??
I’m having the most vivid dream. I….just jumped out of it to use the bathroom but it’s the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. My immediate family (mother, father, and siblings) AND extended family (sooo many of my uncles are in it and one aunt…p…and my closest cousin and his daughter are in it). My family is supporting me on a night that I could not get through alone. She’s (his mom) hearing my accomplishments through them and looking at pictures and while she’s hesitant about my age…she is smiling. She’s giving me her approval. He’s even in some of the pictures that my sis gave me to show her. Some of his immediate family (siblings) are there too. Yet he’s in the dream indirectly. She says “when I first saw you…you looked so young but then you said you were 37.” And I replied “I just turned 38.” She says… “oh wow!” Yet still smiles. She’s nodding and i am relieved. Then I jump out of this vivid dream. That was the issue….I was afraid she would hate me because I’m older. He is not ready for kids but he wants them for sure! Since I was 5, I knew they would not be part of my life plan. I’m Auntie and i like that! But for him I would have had 3! And not just to please him (not my style). I’m 38 now and I don’t have the desire to have children at all. What if when he’s ready…I can’t? My lack of desire means I won’t poke and prod myself (no judgement here to all the women who tried hard to have a baby…just pointing out here that my lack of desire matches your desire but in the opposite direction) to have a baby. And you have to give a Jamaican man a biological child. So I let him go…not just because he’s an ass that won’t grow up (lol) but because one day when he does…he deserves to have the children he so desired. I love kids and have raised children (most of you know my life story thus far) but I don’t believe they complete a woman. She has to do that for herself. Give herself meaning first and then decide if she wants to biologically (or in any other way) pass that meaning on. So for everyone who thinks it didn’t work out because of the age difference (some of you can go fuck yourselves for the things you have said to me over the last almost decade….yes I remember)…that’s not really the reason. Life is so much deeper than a number. However, things like religion and children are huge dealbreakers that are ingrained in many of us. Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is letting them go. One day…maybe not today…he will thank me. Oh and for those “you may change your mind folks” (I won’t ever say never)….but I’m 38 now and felt this way since I was 5. There isn’t a baby picture alive that makes me want a baby. Love being Auntie. And there was no man before (and if I know my Gemini self)…there will be no man after…that would make even think once about baring his seed. Only one guy did. Just that one. THE EX FACTOR!!! ❤️❤️❤️ That’s why I stayed all those years. He did the unthinkable without ever really knowing it. I don’t believe children nor husbands complete a woman. Never have. Never will. I just was not raised like that and according to my parents…I came out the womb like that. Knowing what I want. I’ve never even checked up on my fertility. Not once. Been on birth control my entire adult life and walk with condoms too. You can get to 38 without ever being pregnant. Just ask me how and I can guide you! Lol. My motto is dick can fall out the sky at ANYTIME (with consent) so I always got to be ready! Lol. ~KJM is dreaming at 2am, Sunday, June 09, 2019. ? #keepingitreal #mysubxonsciousisbusytonight #icriedthroughwritingthis #iamhuman
I know it has been a while. Something (family related) happened to me in 2018 that I have not fully bounced back from. Some days, I am still in love with blogging and other days (now more than ever), I let that “a day late and a dollar short feeling” take over my whole being. Have you ever felt this way? Completely lost while it seems like other folks have everything down pact? I go on these long rants that my good friend, Lioness, entertains instead of hanging up on me. ? I am convinced that I am having my fourth midlife crises…that is…over the last ten years! ??♀️ Looking around me and everyone appears to be excelling. Yet, here I am, just struggling to put words on a piece of paper. Writing use to come so easily to me. I hate to say it but I’m like Keyshia Cole and Adele….when I’m heartbroken…you are going to get great shit out of my writing. Sorry about your pending divorce Adele. Chin up and pen in motion. Not everybody’s life is art when things are falling apart. Most of us are just a damn mess and can’t quite explain why that is…even years after our messy breakups. So we keep you in our thoughts and prayers during this difficult time but also keep our credit cards warm for when that next heartbreakingly brilliant album drops. ??♀️ But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes….drowning in my own sorrows as I compare my life to others. ? Comparisons of ourselves and others are a form of destructive behavior. I mean….how do I know that I am a day late and a dollar short?! How do I know that others are not falling apart too but their Instagram pictures carefully hide it? Why do I feel like I’m the only one lost? I mean…I know where I want to go but have no clue how to get there. Maybe I’m not completely lost….I just keep circling aisle two in the supermarket…always forgetting what ingredients I need! ??♀️ This kind of shit does happen to other people right? But I take it so personally like life just sent me an unexpected f*ck you text! Don’t believe? This year marks my 20th year since high school graduation and my 10th year since graduation from graduate school. I have no plans of attending either reunion. I feel like I am not where I want to be so f*ck pretending! Still don’t believe me? For the last couple years, I have battled with losing weight and getting in shape. I have failed time and time again and put on even more weight. Thank goodness for my genetics or it would show more. This Lenten season, which will be over tomorrow, I decided to get fit for Jesus and pick up yoga for the 10th time! In a little over a month, I have had some pretty good results (non scale victories) that I have documented through photos. Yet I have no plans of sharing them until I’m sure that I am serious about getting in shape. At first I started off running, doing yoga, and doing other cardio activities during the week. My plan was to do something fitness related for at least 15 minutes a day. Six days of the week, that 15 minutes or more would be dedicated to real fitness. On the seventh day (any day I choose as a rest day), anything I do can been seen as getting fit…like laundry for a couple of hours or taking the long way to walk to work. This was my plan. At the beginning of April, however, a terrible bout of insomnia hit me and yoga ended up being the only exercise I could do at 4:30am that did not drain me. Sleep is so important to the fitness process and with no sleep…progress is slow. But I stayed the course and kept my promise because during Lent I can do anything for Jesus. Outside of Lent though….??♀️ This is how personally I take life’s hardships. If I don’t feel I’m living out my life’s purpose and am successful at it…then I don’t want to share. Hence my writing block in parts of 2018 and 2019. The one area I do not mind publicly failing at is relationships….because like who gets those right anyways?! ??♀️ Speaking of, in 2019, I have no plans of dating and everyone down to my GYN is asking why! I keep hearing….”use your youth while you got it.” Oh and “vet everyone you date” like I’m suppose to be interviewing guys for a job. ? Then I get asked if I’m heartbroken? ??♀️ To be honest…the Ex Factor situation has left me numb. To be even more crystal clear…I got bigger shit to worry about. I need 2019 to be a “I got 99 problems but a f*ck boy ain’t one” type of year. Whoa Chile…..that’s a word right there. ?? I am like most of the world. I loved and it was not returned. It did not work out. I got my shit together and I moved forward. I could care less who he is dating and what he is doing. I’m not going to be out there revenge dating. I will date when I’m ready to. And if this yoga stuff works out….I may have some extra time to date before my tits start sagging! ?? Besides, I believe in love at first sight. If my true love is smart…he’s out there getting himself ready for me too and not turning into community penis. I may f*ck a male hoe (especially in my younger days) but I won’t knowingly fall for nor knowingly marry one. I don’t love them hoes. Dick should be mostly mine and only mine (just with a few lovers before me). But I digress again. Where was I? Oh yes…on the topic of comparisons. I need to just stop doing that shit!!!!! ✌? ~KJM on Serenity Saturday….the day before Easter. A good time to say….”Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.” ??♀️ Got to reduce how much I curse. ?
Cheating is a tricky topic. It is so prevalent yet many of us that were cheated on or cheated…loathe talking about it. Cheating, unfortunately, is an ongoing conversation…especially the effects it has on families. But today’s blog is not that deep. I am really just going to scratch the surface on the types of unforgivable cheaters. Yes….I said UNFORGIVABLE cheaters. I wholeheartedly believe in therapy but I also believe some messes therapy cannot fix. ??♀️ For example, a cheater that isn’t sorry he or she cheated. Throw the entire spouse away! ✌? Now that I have laid a foundation….let’s dive into the my top 5 unforgivable cheaters! 5. THE ABUSIVE CHEATER! Now there is a lot wrong with this type of spouse! This is the type of cheater who cheats and blames it on their spouse. This person is never sorry for their actions because in their eyes…they only cheat because their spouse did not do this and that. ??♀️ Yea…this is the type of person that suggests their spouse go to therapy to deal with their (as in the cheater’s) constant cheating! There is no accountability here so what you will get if you stay with such a person is…more abuse and cheating. ✌? 4. THE CHEATER WE EASILY FORGIVE! There are some folks out there that just keep taking back their cheating spouses without taking some time to reset their mind, body, and soul. Thus, they never get around to setting some ground rules of how they should proceed as a couple. With no penalty in sight….this cheater knows that their spouse will always take them back…without question. ??♀️ 3. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR TERMINALLY ILL SPOUSE! Couples make all kinds of arrangements when faced with terminal illness. In this segment, I am not referring to the couples who agree one spouse can date while caring for the terminal ill spouse. I am speaking about the JOHN EDWARDS of the world! ??♀️ This type of cheater cannot be reformed. Now I know what you are thinking….if one spouse is going to die….who cares about reforming this type of cheater?! Well this is more of a warning for this cheater’s new spouse. Don’t ever get sick because the same fate may await you! ? 2. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR PREGNANT SPOUSE! Oh boy…this cheater is even worse than number three! If he will cheat on you when you are carrying one of life’s most precious packages….there’s a good chance there is no reforming this cheater! You are giving him the gift of life while he is out there disrespecting you. ✌? 1. THEY CHEAT WITH YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS! This cheater was too lazy to pick their private parts up and cheat outside of your inner circle! This is a triple disrespect (he/she cheating right in front of your face, the family/friend who betrayed you, and your cheating spouse’s disregard for not only your body and your relationship but also their disregard for your family/friendship relationships that you once held dear). Throw this entire spouse away! ✌?✌?✌? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Couples therapy is a wonderful thing but realize that some folks will never stop cheating simply because they don’t want to AND their spouses allow it! ✌?
Year 2019. Present Day. The last chapter (I hope) of this saga and the first chapter of the rest of my life. I started off the year with my sister on the Island of Saint Thomas. We island hopped from the US VI (Saint Thomas and Saint John) to the British VI (Virgin Gorda, Norman Islands, and Josh Van Dyke). IT WAS THE BUCKET LIST TRIP I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED! ?? My deep wave curls parasailed, swam in the ocean and sea, night kayaked, and beach hopped as my spirit soared at such beautiful sights. I was at peace and at home. This island gyal had her phone on airplane mode for most of the excursions. I forgot all about the hustle and bustle of the city and I just let the ocean speak to me. My lipstick choices were from Too Faced Cosmetics (Lady Balls and Mrs Roper) and Mac Cosmstics (Blue Bang). My soul was glowing. It felt like everything that had held me back and hurt me in 2017 and 2018 no longer had power over me. Almost a decade of emotional weight had been lifted off of me and…I feel very optimistic about my future. The ocean spoke to me and said “you will be a wife (something you had never intended to be) as long as you continue to move forward.” And I simply responded…I am getting ready. ~KJM dropping Chapter 10 and the last chapter of this saga…on Serenity Sunday. What a journey this has been! To write 10 chapters in one week with a hectic work schedule and on top of my daily Black History Month posts!?? To all the writers out there, never stop writing. Not everything will be a masterpiece but in each chapter your soul with find peace.