Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

The Great Pretender

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I got dressed in a nice outfit. Not unusual for me but important on this particular day. I wore a black, white, and gray dress with bright red lipstick. Lady Balls from TooFaced Cosmetics to be exact. It had become my go to “I’m gonna kick some ass today” lipstick. Some of the ladies at work wore red but I did not want to draw too much attention to myself so I only let a hint of red trail on my lips. Just enough that folks would think I had plans…that I surely wanted no one to ask me about. I sashayed through the day. Smiling and pretending it was a good day. It was not a good day. Not just because it was Valentines Day but because my work week had been so intense. I had barely been sleeping and exhaustion had creeped in and made a home in my mind and body. I still feel this way. At the end of my work day, I got up and smiled as one of my coworkers begged me to watch at least the first episode of “Love Is Blind” on Netflix. Shit…I still need to do that. I responded that I would try to squeeze it into my weekend…a weekend I knew damn well I had planned to do nothing but lay on my couch. One of the good things about my relationship with myself is I am very aware when I need to slow down and be present for myself. I know when I need to just be there for myself even if I am still barely sleeping. Anyways, I exit the room with a smile on my face and wished everyone a great weekend. I was OUT of the danger zone now and I can just be by myself. To be clear, this wasn’t really about Valentines Day. I’ve celebrated big with some guys and celebrated it small with others. Or celebrated it with friends and family. Or not celebrated it at all. Cannot even remember what the hell I did on that day last year. I think I worked and ordered myself some red velvet cookies from “Insomnia Cookies” to take home. Simple and to the point if memory serves me correct. The one I experienced with Elijah, I did not spend it with him. Instead, I lounge hopped in NYC with my sister and cousin. It was nothing personal, I was just buying some time until I broke up with him. Any year I’m not seeing the Ex Factor it is never a big deal for me. My rule is…as long as I don’t have feelings for anyone currently in my life….the day can be acknowledged or not. As a little girl, my dad always brought home flowers for my mom, sister, and I. He would try to find some small gift to give my brother too. But that’s my dad. For him, having children means celebrating just about everything. Ironically, my mom is the opposite. Growing up in severe poverty, I think, taught her how not to rely on capitalistic holidays. What freedom. Yet the defense mechanisms that I am using on this very Valentines Day….I learned from my mother. Stay beautiful on the outside, compartmentalize at work and kick ass, and never let anyone see your pain. But all that wisdom did not come from holidays…it came from being married to my father for almost 37 years! I really need to give her more credit for all the shit she beautifully survived and thrived through. I am not sure if I could have done any of it. Hell…I know I could not have done…none of it. This is the main reason why I don’t have children. Just like to suffer in silence by myself and not bring them down with me. But I digress. I was finally home. Thought I would have the energy to pop popcorn and make cookies but instead I just clung to my couch. He never acknowledged the day. In past years we either celebrated together or he would at least send a text. The only times we did not acknowledge the day is if we were not speaking. So I waited for that text and it just never came. It’s the small things that make me happy. My favorite Valentines with the Ex Factor…well I don’t know if I have a favorite but there were times he tried. A couple years ago, I requested Valentines Day as the one day a year I wanted him to reserve for me. And my perfect day with him would have been us watching a movie on tv…like we did with “Forest Gump” a couple months ago. That would have made me happy. He said no because that was a day for serious couples like his parents….as if we had not celebrated it many times before. Hell we’ve even celebrated Mother’s Day weekend and I am not a mother!!!!! What the fuck?! I still remember that moment. It was one of those where I should have permanently ran away from his damaged self. And it still stings. This year a text just saying “Happy Valentines Day” would have made me happy. It…is just….the small things that make me happy because I always do the big things for MYSELF. Amen for that. Learned that from my mama too! Don’t let anybody celebrate you bigger than you do yourself!!!! Cause all you got for sure is your damn self!!!! It takes so little to please me yet he always ends up failing me. Matter of fact….him and Julio got that in common. Sometimes I think I stayed the longest with them because I know they are non violent men. When you grow up around a lot of violent men…you are either drawn to them or very keen to staying away from them. Crazy from college was the closest I ever came to a controlling and violent man. Though he never hit me and he was never able to control me but if there was one of “my men” that I guessed could be violent to a woman…it would be him! I was lucky I got out of that situation okay. Yet both Julio and the Ex Factor have some very manipulative ways and are emotionally abusive. But I never let them stop my shine. Neither of them have ever been the focus of my life…no man has been unless you consider God, my Daddy, and my baby brother, Junior. I learned that shit from my mama too. Make a man your world and he just may bring your ass down. My mama had survived a lot of abuse at the hands of her family and my father….so in this area….I heeded her advice because she had lived in dark places that I have never dared to vacation in. And my God she is still beautifully standing!!!! God is good all the time. Back to me. I am the great pretender. Everyone always thinks I have it so easy because I am beautiful, smart, hardworking, a solo traveler, and a beast when it comes to making myself my FIRST priority. So many women want that freedom but there is a price to pay. Sometimes we free lionesses are roaming the earth pretending at times to protect ourselves from danger and hurt. But when we are home…we can no longer pretend. It is just me. It has been for most of my adult dating life. ~KJM is the great pretender on Serenity Sunday. This was my rehash of Valentines Day 2020. Fuck it all. There’s more to life than this. More to life than setting low expectations….only to realize that some folks cannot be there for you because they probably set such low standards for themselves. 🤷🏽‍♀️

At The Edge Of Reason

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I am sitting at the edge of reason…clinging to my sanity. Yet he does not see nor hear me. I am sitting at the edge of reason…losing all hope and feeling like I’m “losing my religion” literally and figuratively! Yup…like I’m in the 90’s R.E.M. music video!!! It is so frustrating to pray on something every day…for years…feeling like your prayers have gone unanswered. I wave at him…thinking he has to see me….sitting here on this corner with my suitcase filled with fears, sorrows, and regrets. Yet he looks past me! I am sitting at the edge of reason but now I’m yelling. And cursing….because…like…how could he not see me?! The way my voice travels…how is it possible that he cannot hear me?! I am trying and trying so hard to desperately be validated by someone who does not notice I’m even here. Just a few feet away from him. Asking him to love me. Asking him to understand me. Hell….just asking him to look up from whatever the f*ck he is currently doing! Cause…like…I’m right here….drowning at the edge of reason. How the hell is that even possible? To drown at the edge of reason while sitting on a f*cking corner?! There’s no water out here. Not a lake nor ocean in sight. Don’t even see a damn pool! Yet I am drowning at the edge of reason! And guess what?! I have no clue how I got here? Woke up one day and was just sitting here….with all my hard shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) in my suitcase. Didn’t even pack a pair of good heels?! Just on this damn corner clinging to my sanity. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to get someone to see you as you truly are…yet they refuse?! Complete madness!!!! Maybe they refuse to see the real me because if they took a good look at the picture before them….the shit would not be rosey… it would be a hot f*cking mess?! I had heard of women from generations before me sitting at the edge of reason but I never once thought I would be them. You see…I know how to express myself. I know who I am…for the most part…and I’ve never allowed myself to not be seen before. Shit…all I know how to do is appear! Strut my stuff. Show you that I am here….far from the edge of reason. More like in a garden of tranquil peace filled with the essence of my inner being. Yup….that’s me. Dancing on lilacs at sunset and kissing white roses at dawn. My garden! My beautiful garden. Reason has no place in my garden for in there…I can just be myself. Does not matter if I’m a different self every day or every year. My flowers blossom with dreams and hopes. Reason, once again, has no place here because the mind does not operate nor own my garden. It is my spirit that makes the sunrise and it is my soul that quietly welcomes the moonlight. Yet somehow I have allowed myself to abandon my garden….and now I’m sitting at the edge of f*cking reason! Hair unkept. Eyes tired from not sleeping. A tear stained T-shirt on. When the f*ck did I start wearing T-shirt’s outside of my home?! My goodness….this edge of reason shit got me slipping. Just like all the women before me. Waiting to be seen and heard from their damn gravesites! This cannot be my life. I cannot continue to sit on this f*cking corner….clinging to my sanity! Why clinging? Because I speak proper English yet he does not hear me. I wear familiar clothes yet he does not see me. That shit is frustrating!!! I think to myself….he must be the broken one…for a woman just walked past me and wished me good luck. He must be the confused one for I yelled out and another man appeared….on my corner…willing to help me with my suitcases. So I can be seen and heard. I am not a figment of my own imagination. I am real. I am a person with feelings and guess the f*ck what?! I FEEL! I slowly start to breath in and out. All this deep breathing got me feeling calm. Got me forgetting that I am at the edge of reason….clinging to my sanity. Hoping someone will put a shot of good bourbon on this corner so I can revive myself. Drinking bourbon or gin always makes me feel like chest hairs are gonna start to sprout and if hair is growing…that means I’m alive! Praise be because I got to get off this corner, dry my eyes, change out of this T-shirt, and brush my hair. Just as I’m getting the strength to get up…a lady walks past me and drops this little gem… “Sis!” She called out. “People see what they want to see and they hear what they already have set their ears out to hear. No amount of speeches nor showmanship will change that! You have to walk like you know you have arrived. You have to talk like you have never been misunderstood. Those that are suppose to get you…will. And those that never acknowledged your spirit to begin with….won’t. No need to be at the edge of reason. Vacation from time to time…if you must…but don’t you dare permanently set up shop there. For only fools lose their worth living at the edge of reason….waiting to be recognized by lost souls!” She exclaimed. And with that gem dropped, she turned the corner….and was out of sight….just as quickly as she had appeared. I got up from the edge of reason…leaving my suitcase full of shit (fears, sorrows, and regrets) behind. Wherever I’m headed next….won’t have room for them. This I’m sure of…even though I am still unsure of my next destination. But hold up! Had to run back and grab my sanity…because I have no plans of vacationing at the edge of reason any f*cking time soon! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. This just poured out of me. Been a rough week but I am still standing. Still breathing. Still dreaming. Still loving. And still praying 💙

Karma (The Act Of Being Treated Ordinarily)

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Dear Christian, It is with heavy heart that I am writing you. No…no one is sick nor dead (God forbid) but I feel like an infamous ex girlfriend would only write an ex boyfriend with a heavy heart! 🤷🏽‍♀️ Let me start off by saying I have no clue where you are nor do I have the need to look you up. Reuniting is not what this is about. KARMA is what this is about and as you probably know…Karma is a universal thing. You will feel my presence in your soul. I picture you waking up one morning and knowing instinctively that a debt has been paid…my debt to you…has been paid. Now time to fill my audience in on what I mean. I met you when I was sixteen years old. Almost 17. Deeply in love with Julio but not sure of how to receive romantic love. Not sure of how to give romantic love…not sure of how to be loved unconditionally. Boy them teenage years were rough!!! I hope I am not alone in saying that….but I digress. A mutual friend introduced us after I had broken Julio’s heart AT LEAST once.🤦🏽‍♀️ I was so not about any love shit. We were too young! But knowing what I know now….I know that Julio’s love for me at 16 years old was REAL…imperfect but real…. So it occurred to me that it’s possible that your love for me was just as real….as was the pain I caused you. Ignorance is bliss until one becomes knowledgeable. You were just my rebound guy. I hate saying that but we both know it’s true. Hearing those words echoing in the wind gives me chills…as it took me…what felt like forever to learn that this type of behavior is wrong. One thing I did know from the jump is that I needed to use you because as much as I wanted Julio to love me…I wanted him to slow all that love shit down and realize that I was a train wreck. It was a twisted way to think…I know this now. What I didn’t count on was the rebound guy falling for me! It was unforeseeable….We only dated like for 6 months (my junior year of high school). I took you to junior prom only to make Julio jealous! Damn I use to make him cry! Don’t worry…he got me back in our adult years. Tear for tear… 😭That’s how I know this karma is NOT coming from Julio. I loved him to the very end. For twenty one years he was in my life (known him for 23) but I had to recently distance myself from him. Oh I know you have a burning question coming….we (Julio and I) never married nor had children. I was always against those things (at least with Julio) and nothing had changed over the years of us dating. He abandoned me when I needed him most (in 2007) and for that I could not take him back. At the time I fully walked away from making room for him in my life (January 2010), I thought it was because I was no longer attracted to him anymore. But unbeknownst to me….God was making room for a second love. THIS is the true reason why I’m writing….to tell you that for the last 9.5 years I got my karma. I met and fell in love with a guy that treats me like I am ORDINARY. He is your total opposite. Like me with you, he and I never met to actually get together in the long term. It was suppose to just be a summer thing. Some part of me thought that by the end of the summer I would forgive Julio for all his wrongs and we would ride off into the sunset and live somewhat happily after. This is what both the Ex Factor (my second love) and I thought…that if Julio had been fighting for me all these years…he had to be my one…. Now when I think about it…we said this as a matter of fact….the Ex Factor and I over lunch (our first date). It was not that I felt it in my gut. It was the process of elimination. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Julio just had to be it. I had run from so many guys (including you) and he always caught up with me. Yet a storm was brewing. Change was in the air. I didn’t see it coming or I sure would have stopped it. The IT I’m referring to? Falling for the Ex Factor…a guy 8.5 years my junior. A guy probably still in love with someone else….a guy great at getting me and bad at keeping me. This reminds me so much of you and me. No matter how much you tried…I could not fall in love with you. Stay with you. Grow with you. Now that the shoe is on the other foot…I understand how much pain I caused you. In my defense, I figured you could not seriously love me at the tender age of 17! It wasn’t until my childhood BFF, Jessica and her boyfriend ran into you at a diner one New Year’s Day many years later….and you ice grilled them….that it occurred to me that you didn’t get over 6 months of dating me right away. That’s the first time I realized that I did some damage. I really hope that all the girls and women after me never had to pay for my immature mistakes. Like when I was seeing BOTH you and Julio at the same time. Julio always knew because I loved him 🤦🏽‍♀️, was always honest with him, and he knew me well (back then). But you didn’t realize it until that random unfaithful day that you surprised visited me on your way home from work…with a gift in hand for me…and Julio showed up at the very same time. Opposite directions….you both came from…and landed on my doorstep. He knew what you looked like but you had no idea who he was until one of my female cousins told on me! I still don’t remember which one of them betrayed me so I can repay them with their Karma. Lol. Blood should always be thicker than water! What a fucking mess?! And to clean it up…I ran after Julio. Leaving you at my house. You followed and confronted us. Yikes what a day?! To add insult to injury, you walked all the way home in the rain. Broken-hearted and angry. I think it took you like 5 hours to get home and I barely noticed. 😳 My only concern was for Julio. You were just an unfortunate causality in my web of immaturity. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Just rehashing this story makes me sick to my stomach. 🤮 But who really knew how to love and be loved at 16 and 17?! I am not trying to make excuses….just stating a fact. We were young, grew up differently, and I was already in love with someone else (Julio) when we were introduced to each other. 🤷🏽‍♀️ But I digress….back to Mister He Treats Me So Ordinary. I got into this cycle that I just cannot find my way out of. Not even Julio could rescue me. That ship had sailed. For many reasons, but especially because Julio was so insecure with me growing as a person and educating myself in the process….that he watched me suffer (in 2009 and 2010). I could not choose a man who would not give to me in my hour of need when he had it. And when I certainly would have given to him! That type of man would have his last dollar and not share it with me. This is not someone fit to be my husband nor my life partner. Julio was not secure in himself nor our love. And insecurity is not only a bitch but it is also the death of all that is good about love.  Julio would spend decades trying to marry and build a life with women that never cared as much as I did. I loved imperfectly but I LOVED. This part escaped Julio’s mind until it was too late. My romantic love for Julio dissipated 6 months before I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor. It went so quietly that I almost had not noticed. It’s like I woke up one morning and my love for Julio had flown out the window and into the universe…arriving at his forever partner’s house! I pray by now that he found his wife and they are living happily ever after. Two years ago, he had not found her yet. Still thinking she was me but if there is one thing I’m sure of….it is Julio’s great love and I are not the same woman. She is her own beautiful and loving being…awaiting him on some part of this world. This I feel in my spirit. 💕As for me, these last 9.5 years of being Ms. Ordinary has been filled with some loving moments but mostly filled with battles. The Ex Factor is me when I met you. Immature, so sure great loves are a dime a dozen, probably still in love with his first love, and carrying around his hurts and brokenness while clearly not feeling worthy of unconditional love. 🤷🏽‍♀️ As Ms. Ordinary, I feel more lonely than ever. Not the kind of loneliness some folks feel when they aren’t in love or have not found the one. I don’t get that kind of lonely. I can always happily stand by myself! 🙌🏽 After all I am still the greatest love of my own life. This much has stayed true! 💙 But the kind of lonely where you just want to be loved by one person (that you are in love with) yet you cannot reach them. Ms. Ordinary vacations in the sea of Unrequited love and I finally feel what you may have felt. Abandoned, neglected, disrespected, unloved, lonely, isolated, hurt, and broken. In the Ex Factor’s defense, I do not think he intends to make me feel this way. But KARMA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INTENT! The universe does not discriminate on what is put out into it. THAT IS THE LESSON RIGHT THERE! 🙌🏽 I only learned this in 2019 through “Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations” with mindfulness gurus like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle!🤦🏽‍♀️ Better late than never! 🤗  Sometimes I wonder if my Karma has stayed with me so long because that’s how long it took you to love again?! I pray not… 🙏🏾 Or maybe it took so long because that’s how long it was going to take me to learn the lesson! Maybe Karma takes as long as She is going to take for all our souls to fully understand why She is visiting us?! 👀 About 10 years ago, I ran into your sister at the nail salon. I recognized her and her hazel green eyes right away…sitting in a pedicure chair holding a baby that she said was her brother’s. Cannot remember if it was a boy or girl but I do think it was a beautiful baby girl. Was not sure if the baby was yours or your older brother. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Your sister did not recognize me or if she did….she didn’t let on. Oh how I hope that baby was your daughter and you had finally found your happy ending! 🙏🏾 Back to why I’m writing. I am writing you….Dominican Christian….to let you and the universe know that my debt has been paid in full. I have suffered and I have hurt…throughout the entire last decade. I’ve cried. I’ve been humiliated. I have surpassed a threshold of emotional pain that even I did not know I was capable of. My debt to you and the universe has been PAID IN FULL! It is 2020 now and I want to move forward knowing we have squared things. And what I have learned is…out of every suffering comes something good. Something that transcends us. I have learned to love when it’s inconvenient, risky, not reciprocated, and unwelcome. I think I’ve loved to the brink of insanity. I love even when I don’t want to love. I run but it finds me every time like unfinished business that I left on my work desk. 🙃 I have learned that a man being transparent with his feelings is a sign of strength and not weakness. I have learned that I need a man who leads me in love. After all, it is still foreign territory to me. I have learned that the only way to love is unconditionally and that being vulnerable is a good thing. I have learned that you cannot replace one guy with another! Took me until I was 34 years old to learn that lesson! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I have learned that Karma has very little to do with ones intention. Whether I meant to hurt you or not….I did. Therefore, a debt must be paid. No one knows the day nor the hour but it will be paid in full in this lifetime. Through the ups and the downs, I realized that I attracted the male version of me…the version that so many of you (including Julio) have accused me of being….unfeeling, emotionally unavailable, and careless with ones heart. Yikes! Even with all the bad times, I still learned so much. Love is patient and love is kind. Love is unconditional or it just ain’t love! Human love is imperfect on all levels and at some point in time we are all victims of its tragedies. I am imperfect! Thus, my love is imperfect. What I am really saying is….I AM SO SORRY CHRISTIAN! I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive 16 and 17 year old me! Fools do not deserve to be loved but so often we are. Now that my debt has been paid in full…I just want to go experience that great love that I know is waiting for me. With Deep Sympathy and Thought, Kingston aka once your “Chula.” ~KJM getting some things straight in my first blog of 2020. Seems crazy to think something from childhood could follow us around in our adult lives but too often the answer to our ADULT issues lie within the problems of yesterday that we did not have the language to identify nor the foresight to resolve. Happy FIRST Serenity Sunday of 2020 to you all! 💕

Summer 2007

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It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??‍♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??‍♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??‍♀️??‍♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??‍♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!

Summer 2007

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It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??‍♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??‍♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??‍♀️??‍♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??‍♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!

The As Good As It Gets Dating Generation

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Yesterday, at Thanksgiving Dinner, I was deeply engrossed in a fascinating yet depressing topic…no…not politics…but dating in your late 40s, 50s, and 60s. I got to ask some of the older men and some of the youngest men in my family about relationships. I’ve known Papa Michaels’ stance on dating when young (sleep with as many of them as you can before you settle down??‍♀️….obviously advice he’s giving to the boys…but not necessarily deterring his grown daughters from this behavior because to him we will always be his innocent angels?)! And I have had conversations with my uncles about this topic for the last couple of years. My brother, Junior, and my BFF, Zack, are two men that give me HOPE. Not all men are dedicated to a life of misogynistic views and being womanizers!!! But unfortunately, I have a lot in my family that are… They are under the premise that one woman will never be enough…instead of realizing that perhaps it is THEM that fall short in how they view themselves that has them thinking that the issue is with women. ?? Perhaps, these men/boys know deep down inside that they aren’t enough and overcompensate by participating in the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical destruction of women…whom for the most part…only wanted to love them. For example, I have an uncle (whom I love dearly) who has 6 baby mamas that have given him 8 beautiful children. My aunt was his ONLY wife. Right now it appears that he goes back and forth between a few of the baby mamas. Love him to pieces but am of course thoroughly disgusted. When asked how he manages to get away with this mess in his 60s…he apparently replied that…these women decided to put up with his crap because they feel the next dude will just do much of the same!!!! ??? Is this what dating in the 40s, 50s, and 60s…look like?! ?Is this what dating in general looks like?! If so…shout out to all the seriously committed lesbians who take care of their women! Rise up! And show us single and fucking delusional women how to rise up and demand what we deserve!!! We may not be lesbians but you can still give us hope in walking in our feminine energy firmly and confidently cause apparently when we are dealing with men…most of us straight women SETTLE! What a time to be straight!!!! Fml. All of this got me to thinking…is this what I’m doing with the Ex Factor? Thinking this is as good as it gets and the next dude will be scared of commitment? A great part of me thinks NOT…. I have had real relationships on breaks with the Ex Factor. Committing was not their issue. Immaturity and treating women like their property were the main issues I ran up on. That and I realized I was still in love with the Ex Factor. I hold my own so much better when love is not involved! The Ex Factor and once upon a time…Julio….are the only two reoccurring romantic love interest men in my life. Many other guys thought I wouldn’t walk away from them but I did. And now even Julio is on that list. I’m waiting for the day that it permanently happens with the Ex Factor. When I’m free. Leaving him in his sea of brokenness. That day is close….I feel it. And I truly believe my great love is on his way. He will have so much to teach me about love, building a life together, and the strength of a man who believes in building an empire with a woman he views as his equal….the ying to his yang. I await that day…until that day I will say this….if you see me with a man that’s a known cheater or I even feel he’s out there fucking others….if I ain’t leave him…I’m dishing much of the same. ? Men can be boys all they want but they can never outdo women in love nor cheating. Yo…womanizing men…you sure the baby is yours? Lol. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday but was originally written on the Flashback Friday after Thanksgiving. The things I say may be ignorant and unladylike but I stand by what I say. If you a good dude…this does NOT apply to you. To all the women out there….You cannot continue to be a good woman to a bad man. You just giving your life away without even fighting for it. Bad girls are either born or made…I was born. ??

The Universe Is Upside Down

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Mercury is currently in retrograde for the third and last time this year. For those who don’t understand what this means…google it. Shit is backwards and most signs are feeling the effects. And of course I’ve been showing my ass! So much so that I ain’t making no sudden movements until November 21! If you have something you want to hash out with me…it’s best to wait until then because I can’t guarantee what the outcome is going to be. I could hug you or I could tell you to go F yourself. Man…it could be a little bit of both. ??‍♀️ So I’m putting my foot in my mouth (with some help) and Mercury’s backwards ass is watching like my life is some good reality tv! ??‍♀️ So I sit and wait for some sort of normalcy. Sitting and waiting. Did I mention that I’m running so late this morning that I actually had to have a conversation with myself and ask myself if I was really headed to work?! ? Took a look at my bills and realized I had to go…. ? On NJ transit now…so I’m headed to somewhere in the city….bobbing and weaving the universe as I hold on to my lace frontal! I’m kind of wondering why Mercury’s butt did not write ahead of time to say….Hey Kingston, not only are the winter blues gonna tear you up but this retrograde is gonna have you looking like a clown around town?! That kind of letter would have been appreciated. One thing I’m learning is what I will and will not tolerate from myself and others. There are some I’m so sorry the retrograde got you caught up in my web and others that I’m making note are toxic folks year round…the retrograde is just highlighting what I may have missed. Did I mention that lately everything makes me cry? ??‍♀️ Damn that Mercury! I mean besides in times of death and sickness….I’m learning to cry when my money is funny! ???‍♀️ Yup losing what’s left of my fake mink eyelashes (at least I think they are) knowing damn well I can’t afford to go back and see my lash lady no time soon! ??‍♀️ Just plain Tom foolery…. yup that’s what this retrograde is. I wonder if this is how pregnant women feel throughout the entire nine months?! Or menopausal women?! ? If so….I just can’t be apart of none of that! Trying to figure out how to get this bitch Mercury off of me? Got ideas?! I mean ideas that require absolutely no jail time?! I’m…like…too pretty…for jail. ??‍♀️?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. How’s the retrograde treating y’all? Anybody wig still on right? Lashes still in place? Write in and let me know lol. ❤️

Relationships And Shit

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A discussion about being in love with two people at the same time, online dating, and a how to not get pregnant guide! https://youtu.be/kV3OIjraeFo

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