Happy Hump Day! ? I am now happy to report that I am getting THE SEX on the regular from my babe after we sat down and talked about our sexual needs and desires! ?? My preference would be to have sex twice a week but with our schedules, once a week is amazing and a miracle in itself! ?? I have heard of married people scheduling sex and never thought much of it but it can be a great tool for singles who are exclusively dating too! Careers and life get in the way whether you have children or not. And sometimes we focus on all different types of communications with our mate but forget that touching each other…especially sexually has its importance. Now I’m not saying sex is the only form of communication but I want to stress that it is important. When the sex stops in a relationship…there’s a great chance communication is down in all other areas and one spouse (if not both) are feeling rejected on some level. My friend, Toi from Toi Time, who is also a blogger, often has married women (of all ages) writing in to her stating that they only have sex with their husbands on his birthday and holidays! ? WTF?! Since I’m not married, I’m just going to leave that one alone. However, if you are exclusively dating, are not waiting to have sex when married (this works for couples on the same page), and are not having the sex…something may be off. For example, I have been cussing the Ex Factor out like crazy over the last year! When I was finally honest with myself…a part of my anger came from the fact that he wasn’t touching me enough. I felt rejected. We recently talked about it and he was really surprised. Turns out, my hectic work schedule along with some things going on with him (not having to do with me) was the culprit. He figured he was being understanding by not insisting we have sex more since I typically work between 60-90 hours a week! ? I am doing much better at not working weekends (though my weekdays are still crazy) and making sure I am not beyond exhausted when it’s time to pleasure him and myself. I have to be an active participant in our sex life too! ?? The Ex Factor never even knew I felt this way because I’m always yelling about something else! I’m definitely working on that! Lol. During our discussion about the sex, we both spoke about a sexual goal we want to achieve with the other person. Meaning how we aim to please the other person more. ?He is already acing his while I still have more studying to do! Lol. We also started to experiment with where we have sex and how we have sex. It’s nice to try new things especially after 7 years of mostly sleeping with only him. I use to think only married people can find themselves in a sexual rut but it can happen to any couple…if communication is off. To get us this far, it took me being vulnerable. Once I did that, he too lowered his guard. I had to say to him that it’s not enough that you feel I’m sexy…I need your touch to reenforce your words…and frequently!?? I am choosing him! I only want him inside of me. I crave only him…so he needs to come get this pussy! ☺️ For any couples dating exclusively, I recommend having this conversation even if you feel your sex life is good. The first two years of dating…the Ex Factor and I had sex 3-5 times a week! ? It was the time I felt most connected to him and my body could not do without having him near. ? While I know that things cannot always stay the same…we should be aiming to maintain a good and healthy sex life! And I need that with how stressful my day job can be at times! Our sex is now more intense and more fulfilling. And he surprises me with when it’s going to actually happen! ? ~KJM on Hump Day! Never underestimate the power of the sex! ??
Archives for September 2017
It has been a while since we have gotten ignorant on Temptation Tuesday! No time like the present to do so. ? By now, most of you have heard about the Kevin Hart cheating scandal. Generally, I’m not big on celebrity gossip but when there is a good life lesson in their story…I will go there! Today’s lesson is actually for Kevin Hart’s current wife, Eniko, aka my fake cousin as she is from my island. Let’s lay the foundation for this foolishness. Two things the old school folks have been saying that I have found to be true (1) “No romance without finance!” Any woman who does not believe this…is probably sitting in dark of their apartment waiting to be evicted while Tyrone feeling on her legs! ?? (2) “How you get them is how you lose them!” Now I have done some shady things in my life but I told you I don’t play with marriage. Don’t want to answer to God and the law for such foolishness. I interpret the second adage as…if he was trouble for her…he will be trouble for you! SEE Brad and Angelina for modern day reference! ? But lets take this one step further for those of you that still don’t get it… Ever heard of the saying that “a leopard never change its spots?” I hope the light bulb is finally on now. If you get a leprechaun when he’s trolling….he may take a break, Eniko, but soon he will be back trolling! Doesn’t even matter if there is a pot of gold or glass at the end of the rainbow he has been chasing…he is a creature of habit! Now that I’ve laid the foundation right into Eniko’s ass…let’s see what we can get from this besides leave people’s husband and wives alone! Back in the day, mistresses hid. Now they do interviews, write books, and if the opportunity presents itself…they thrive at being the baby mama and/or the new wife. Brings me to a question. Can a mistress be transformed into a wife by the sheer virtue of that cheating man marrying her? Hmmmm….this is a tricky one. My thoughts….NO unless she is married double the time he was married to the first wife and did not have any real drama where his dick blew in the wind. Let’s call this one the Alicia Keys Syndrome. ? So far Swizz Beatz or Swiss cheese as I like to call him has been doing okay in appearing to be faithful in his marriage. ? According to Swizz, he’s “in love with his wife.” Boo you ain’t never love the first one? Maybe not…but it sure looked like you were invested in the first marriage or else…why marry the first wife? If the mistress does not have the Alicia Keys Syndrome (still remains to be seen how long this syndrome persists) then she is still a mistress! She’s just married now! Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes but feel me on this. Who in the hell is really expecting their union to be blessed when how they got that man was by breaking up another union?! Yea…I don’t think God is present in that second union unless there is some actual repentance! I’m talking about some 1000 Hail Marys and walking on hot coal for a 100 days in the desert…repentance! ?? You cannot build your happiness on someone else’s sorrow! You just can’t! But what you can do is…fool yourself to believe that you are the exception to the rule. ?? Your “ill na na” will keep this one home! Girl bye! Tired of pointing out that even porn stars get cheated on! You hear that! Bitch could be taking it in the ear and the ass and dude may still fuck somebody else! I have heard dudes say ain’t “no pussy like new pussy!” SEE the many male celebrities who cheated with the ugly nanny for references! ? Some men just don’t give a fuck and since we cannot control those men…we as women got to raise our standards and not open up shop to these already occupied husbands! To me, a mistress is a mistress is a mistress….even with a 1000 wedding bands on her ring finger! For her foundation was built off of someone else’s pain and demise. She is never the original! Not because she is the second wife but because of how she got that man! To all the mistresses turn wives including Eniko, you not Gucci…you the knock off…Cucci. You not Obsession by Calvin Klein….you Possession by Kernel Sanders (the smell of cheap fried chicken). ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! This is why a bish still got student loans…I won’t sleep with married trolls with money and let them wife me! ???
I know it’s been a while since I blogged. Part of me has been trying to catch up with my day job and the other part of me has just been happily living life like it’s GOLDEN! ?Just had an AMAZING weekend with my boo and then my family! ?? So grateful for those moments in life where my heart is so overjoyed…that all I can do is feel gratitude! ? Even though I’m still on my weekend high, it’s Charm School Monday…time to get into our lesson! Over the weekend, I was hanging with a group of female friends (of many different ages) that I have had for almost 14 years. They are like family. ? One has recently had a family member (female) that married a man almost 40 years younger than her! I think her family member is a P.I.M.P. ?? but the other women felt she was too old to be married to a man so young. To me, age is just a number. Whatever floats your boat…you should do! And if you can get a younger spouse while living your best SINGLE life…why the fuck not?! ?? Of course our conversation got heated because people always forget that the Ex Factor is 8.5 years younger than me. Since we started dating in 2010, I have had women say some pretty rude shit to me about dating so much younger while most men don’t give a fuck. You see even women buy into the stigma that after a woman is pass a certain age…she must live a limited life…while these men out here…do what the fuck they please and not making any apologies for it! ? Everything for a woman, even if she is not interested in having children, is about her biological clock! Why the fuck is that? ? Now my friends were not specifically speaking of my situation but of course I have a bone in this fight. The first three months into dating the Ex Factor, our age difference did not really cross my mind. I was 29 and he was 20 and our love making showed it! ?? I was just so excited to find out that after 13 years of Julio being the only guy I loved…my heart could love again and much more deeply! My heart was floating outside of my body. I was (and am still) so much in love. No matter what we have been through (even with all the crazy ups and downs)…there is no man I have loved more. ? While my feelings have stayed the same (or even got stronger), three months into dating an associate of mine had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend who was two years younger than her. He broke it off Labor Day Weekend 2010…coincidentally the weekend of my first argument with the Ex Factor. As she cried to me on the phone, the Ex Factor and I were on a date night and about to have some intense make up sex. My associate warned me that a younger man is always going to want a younger woman so watch out with the Ex Factor! ?? That’s the first time age had ever crossed my mind. And that’s when shit got real. I wanted to know if he was serious about me…and of course he wasn’t ready to be and I wasn’t ready to leave him. So we went on…with me now having major doubts. As time went on, my associate started stalking her ex online, while questioning why me and the Ex Factor were still together. If I had been strong then (like I have grown to be), I would have told her to mind her fucking business. Truth be told, I don’t consider a two year age difference as a real one. If you are in the same census bubble…you are essentially the same age! Also, my associate had no proof her “younger” ex left her for any woman much less a younger one! I can tell you from the short time I knew her…that…her elevator did not go all the way upstairs! Her man was in the military and on tour in Iraq and she would send him crazy emails about him ignoring her if she hadn’t heard from him in a day or two! Clearly, she was not meant to be a military wife! ?? But I digress! What I loathe was that she was the first person to plant the seed of doubt that the Ex Factor and I may not work! Since then, it’s been hit after hit when women approach me about the topic. They ask…when will you get married?! When will you have children? Forgetting or ignoring the fact that before the Ex Factor, I never wanted to be married nor have children! And without him, I’m almost certain I don’t want children! Marriage I’m still on the fence with because there are so many reasons people get married for. All of which are none of our business! ?? But I digress again! I asked my brother, Junior, what he thought about all of this and he said there is no science to why a man leaves a woman! While women are over there calculating their odds….men doing them! If he (no matter his age) wants to leave you for a younger woman…he will! ???????? Plain and simple! Yes children are a factor for couples who want children but each couple has to cross that bridge for themselves. For me, if my children cannot have his eyes and his hands…there’s no point in even trying! ? Maybe that’s silly or naive or just maybe…I am one of those women that won’t allow my biological clock to lead me! If we end up working out…great! If we don’t…I will still be okay…because a man nor my reproductive system never defined me to begin with! ?? I am just going to enjoy the time God is giving us and deal with the rest when it’s time. It is crazy to me…that even we women believe that after we reach a certain age…we should be nice and limit ourselves to the few left overs society tells us we are entitled to!!! ??? Maybe a woman marrying a man 40 years her junior is making a huge fucking mistake or maybe…just maybe…that’s one boss bish that decided she is gonna live her life getting the strongest Big O (orgasm) until the day she dies! Maybe that’s a woman creating her own destiny and living a limitless life to the best of her ability! ?? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! To my babe, I’m crazy as fuck and we don’t make sense but I’m riding with you…as far as we can go! ?
I dug my nails into his back as if I was holding on for dear life. I do not remember holding onto a man so tight…ever before. It had been two months of fighting and not seeing each other so when he surprised me by saying he was ten minutes away…I did not know how I would feel. Upon his arrival, I clung to him…like I was clinging to a life boat. Wherever he was going, I was coming with him. He wasn’t leaving without me. We are one. He and I were one. It took me seven years to figure this all out…and really the biggest revelations occurred in the last three weeks. It’s like I had lost my mind. Cursing him out more and more…even when not provoked. Then came the day when I told him he was free to leave. During that time, I met the handsome stranger on my flight back from Vegas and my first love, Julio, made a plea for my heart (and my eggs?) again! That’s when it finally dawned on me where the tears and frustration were coming from…EGO. I’m embarrassed because I’m choosing the life I live. A woman as strong as myself should get everything she wants…exactly how she wants! And here I was choosing to settle for less! Well that’s one way to look at it…that’s the ego version. Then another version emerged as I clung to him…the humbled version…and I thank God for giving us this moment! ?? He held me for hours and it was then that it occurred to me that…this man that had tried to break me (unbeknownst to him)…was most likely the love of my life and I was choosing him! REVELATION 1! I am choosing him and I don’t want to live a day without him! REVELATION 2! I too had tried to break him down! That’s right….I’m not innocent! ? When a Jamaican woman says she’s been “dipping under” somebody…that means she’s cuss that person out so bad she even took the time to curse past and future generations! ? Yet as I dip under the Ex Factor…he never loses his cool. And I am no easy storm! Let me repeat that one again…I AM NO EASY STORM! ?? Breathe Kingston…breathe because we are onto one of the greatest revelations of our lives. I am choosing the Ex Factor! Everyday I choose him…for better or for worse! We have just been knee deep in the worse! REVELATION 3! More importantly, I reminded myself that I am still in charge of my own happiness! ?? So why am I making myself sad on days where no sadness needs to exist?! Perhaps it’s because I’m punishing myself for choosing him instead of moving on to someone better. But what makes another man better? His resume? His treatment of me? His ability to commit? What most women won’t say is that many of us were forced to leave our situations because the men moved on first or because we could no longer take the embarrassment of things not being picture perfect! Many of us would have sat there and stayed if the winds of time did not force change! Even the strongest woman puts up with bullshit whether she admits it or not! Humans are flawed by definition! So even the strongest woman will admit that she AND her mate are flawed. ?? Now I know you are rolling your eyes at me right now but hear me out. I’m definitely not saying stay where you are unhappy and settle…I am actually asking you to consider what is making you unhappy? Is it because you don’t have what your friends and people on Facebook portray? Cause everyone has battles! And no they are not all uploaded on social media! Did you catch the “Black Love Documentary” on OWN? It was inspirational and groundbreaking! Married couples discussing what it took to get where they are while dealing with anything from affairs to deaths of children! Sweet baby Jesus! I cannot even imagine it! Most folks will say that those people are married so they should be in it for the births and tragedies! But if the current divorce rate says much…it says that a large amount of people do not believe that! Marriage is a huge commitment but it’s a falsity to think that your ability to withstand storms is only born in your marriage! But I digress…back to what I learned as a Single woman. Absent of abuse, you can stay planted where you want to. People (and they mean well) may say leave but be ware of where you are running to. Every time I left the Ex Factor, I dated ugly men with money (that’s who came after me) and some of them had some deep rooted issues and secrets! I was lucky to leave one with my damn life! No joke. Resume was better. Ability to commit was there but no love lived there. Worst of all…no truth lived there. But to the world, I was doing better because I was no longer with the Ex Factor. Now that may not be your story…you may just bump into the love of your life after leaving your ex. But even with the new love of your life…realize that love and commitment take work! There will still be dark days! Still be moments of tears and disappointments! Anyone who sells perfection in their relationship “has not begun to deal with the underlining issues.” That’s one of the lessons that I got from the “Black Love Documentary.” Besides this blog, I only talk to my immediate family and a small group of married friends about the real details of the Ex Factor and I. I also do leave a lot out in this blog! I know it doesn’t seem like it but I do keep some things private. However, if it is something ugly that has helped me to grow…I share it because it may help someone else out there! ? Sometimes I wish I never wrote a single “I hate you” blog but I learned so much from them (and certainly can’t promise there won’t be more lol). Also, without securing me and making me feel loved at all times, the Ex Factor did earn some of those blogs! ?? But I cannot control him…I can only control myself! And I am responsible for my own happiness! Not only that…as a woman who claims to love…I need to rise above some of the mess and be the bigger person. REVELATION 4! When Julio and I split, I had been so good to him. He knew he was walking away from a woman who truly loved him to the best of her ability! And maybe that’s why he regrets leaving! Though it makes me sad to think that if that time came with the Ex Factor and I…he could not say the same. ? How he loves or does not love is on him. The strength and forgiveness of my love…tells my own personal truths! So I can continue walking around and complaining about the love I’m not getting or I can focus in on the love I’m giving positively! Is he easy to love? Hell no! But I’m choosing him. It’s time I not be angry about that anymore. I…am…choosing…him! Not over myself…but over all the other guys out there. I had a moment where I wondered what a day without knowing him would be like. It would be a sad day…and you know how I know? Because I’ve already lived those days. We suffered through them until we could come back to each other…again and again! We are like the lyrics to my favorite Isley Brother’s song…“Voyage To Atlantis.” To the Ex Factor I say…“I will always come back to you…Atlantis.” ~KJM getting deep on Hump Day! No one knows how the story ends but every day with him is better than a day without him. Not because I can’t be alone because I can…it’s really because I think I will always choose him. So I clung to him…dug my nails into him…whispering…I am choosing you in this moment and time…with my entire heart. It is yours…Atlantis?
When I tell you that my body is beyond exhausted….I am not exaggerating! I came back from my West Coast vacation and went straight back to working 12 hour days back to back without a day off. I have to do 9 straight 12 hour days before I’m off. ? Today is day 8 and I’m so close to losing it! It takes everything in me (morning person me) not to smack the taste out of several people’s mouths during my daily commute! That’s how agitated I am. Plus I’m like shaking on my way home at night because…the 12 hours does not include my commute to and from work! Yes! I am about to break! ? As I attempt to hold on to what little is left of my sanity…an old yet brand new theme has appeared in my life…THE SACRIFICIAL LAMB! Women are raised to be nurturers from birth! Society teaches us to give more than we receive and we of course…happily deplete ourselves for our loved ones and sometimes for complete strangers! ? As daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, wives, and girlfriends we are always TEAM TOO MUCH! I thought being an Alpha Female automatically exempts me from being a nurturing female but this is simply not true. It’s in our damn DNA! It has been two months (by choice), since I’ve last seen the Ex Factor. I have been beefing with him while focusing on myself. Sounds contradictory but trust me…I managed both. Now that we are exhausted from fighting and I have decided to take charge of my own happiness, we are trying to find time to spend together. The Ex Factor, like with most men, naturally puts himself first…as he should because we are not married and do not have a family. But even husbands tend to put themselves first because that’s how they were raised! Men were not raised to sacrifice it all for love and family…society says that is a woman’s job! Men can have it all! No one ever questions that. While we women are depleting our resources with no opportunity to replenish! Now here’s where shit gets interesting! Some of the time the sacrifices are being demanded on us BUT most of the time, we happily take a bullet for everyone…knowing we gonna die and yet we just keep smiling through the pain! We are sacrificial lambs by gender! So much so that we almost never question it until one of us has a nervous breakdown! We got to be super girlfriends, wives, and mothers! Even when we see that we are falling apart…we just keep on sacrificing! ? Now back to my example for today. As the Ex Factor and I negotiate when is the best time to see each other, I could not help but notice that we always (as of the last year) spend time together when it’s inconvenient for me and convenient for him! No wonder my ass is angry all the damn time! When I confront him, he always says I should have spoken up and said it wasn’t a good time! And he’s fucking right! Why didn’t I say something? He’s not sacrificing a minute of sleep, time with his family, time with his friends, nor work for me! He’s out there living his life like it’s golden while I’m out there looking like a chubby raccoon with dark circles around my eyes! Wtf! But once again, he did not ask me to sacrifice my sleep and my sanity…I OFFERED IT! Just gave over pieces of myself knowing it’s too much for me and then grumbling under my breath as I write an angry blog! ? Why are we women doing this to ourselves whether we are single or married?! We can save ourselves and be good to others (within reason) but we often choose not to. We happily offer way more than our hearts, minds, and bodies can give. We feel guilty about saying no and setting boundaries…even at work! Ladies, who is going to save our asses if we don’t save ourselves?! Don’t expect a man to…even if he is your husband! He is preconditioned to look out for himself first! No matter how caring and considerate a man is…it will never out do the love and kindness of a woman! ?? We are mothers of this earth…nurturers… and warriors! That in itself is a lot! We really need to chill out and stop trying to save everyone but ourselves. Sometimes you will have to say no to your family, your man, and even your kids…and you know what? That’s okay! We must take time to replenish! With that being said, I let the Ex Factor know that hanging out during the week and on weekends I have to work is a NO for me! This raccoon is tired! ? We will have to choose a time that is best for us both. And he agreed! He said rest and work come first! As they should because once again…we are not married! But I will say this to all the wives, don’t forget to take care of yourselves too! No man wants to stay with a bitter, exhausted, run down woman! Matter of fact some husbands leave and find that well rested and self love chick that puts herself first! It ain’t right…but so is being a living doormat! Set boundaries and stick to them! Have self love days built into the month and demand that the man in your lives help out more! No matter what society has taught us…nurturers and warriors are not by definition….sacrificial lambs! There are moments of sacrifices for the greater good but not every moment has to be those moments…especially when no one asked us to! ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday!
This is my 13th letter to BOAZ and perhaps the most surprising. So much has occurred within the last week and the lessons just keep coming. Where to start? Let’s start with the stranger I met on the airplane. We have been texting back and forth almost right away and boy did he tackle some of the hard dating questions! He asked my age and how many long term relationships I had had. ? I was trying to hold off on talking about any of the exes or the semi ex that is still in my life (the Ex Factor). But the stranger wanted to know. He was 35, looking for his wife, and in his culture he would be considered to be old to be just marrying for the first time. ? I felt so overwhelmed answering his questions but could appreciate he did not want to waste his time. As I got more and more overwhelmed, I decided to ask him a few tough questions myself. His culture highly believes in arranged marriages….why wasn’t he arranged? His parents had tried to arrange a marriage for him ten years ago with a girl he met at his cousin’s wedding but there was more “bad than good” and since then his longest relationship has just been a year. Well there goes two red flags for me. While he said he did not want to have an arranged marriage and that his parents are less strict about it, I have a feeling he is unintentionally wasting the time of any woman not in his culture. Some cultures do not budge on the issue that they must marry within that culture. He is in one of those cultures. His parents are probably not “less strict” about an interracial/cultural marriage…they are probably just waiting for him to give up on whatever he is searching for so they can try to arrange another marriage for him. Now my sister, Brenda, says if she has interests in a guy…she doesn’t worry about his cultural rules but she is 24! At 36, I would not recommend to any of my readers to get involve with cultures that out right reject your existence for shits and giggles. ??? It’s one thing if you accidentally fell in love and both decided it was worth the risk to go against your cultures but to start off dating (with no feelings) knowing those restrictions is setting yourself up for failure! At 24 it’s an experience but at 36 it’s a heartbreak at a time finding a good spouse is not easy! So be ware of these things. The stranger is engrained in his culture and does want his parents’ approval. RED FLAG 1 because I’m not in his culture. RED FLAG 2…at age 35 his longest relationship has only been ONE YEAR! Coming from the culture he does, he has either been sowing his wild oats or he has a lack of patience! Even male hoes I have known have had a girlfriend for more than a year…even if they were cheating! I have huge commitment issues and I’ve had a few long term relationships! ? I need a man with lots of patience because I require lots of patience! ?? If in let’s say 15 years of dating the longest relationship is one year….that speaks volumes. RUN! Now I know what you are thinking…why am I vetting the stranger when I let the Ex Factor get away with a lot? Well isn’t the stranger vetting me? In his culture, a woman my age is lucky to be getting marriage considerations but in JAMAICAN culture a woman is not limited to just marriage! Marriage does not have to be her ultimate goal. She has no limitations! ?? And thank God for that because I’m just so different from most women I know. But wait for it… There was something else the stranger said that stood out to me. While he does not believe in arrange marriages, he is okay with love coming after marriage as long as he is compatible with a woman. This is what I like to call a SEMI ARRANGED MARRIAGE! I have friends of many different cultures and religions who did it. They did not want their parents to arrange their marriage but they found someone they are compatible with and had a very short courtship with the intention to immediately marry and start a family. Love does not matter. Just the need for companionship, loyalty, and family. As a matter of fact, this is probably how most people feel after years of love kicking them in the butt. It’s sensible and does work UNLESS you are someone like myself…a person where alone is her comfort zone and would only do companionship because of LOVE! No other reason! ?? The only other friend that I have who would understand my way of thinking is Harmony. We want love but we also love our freedom and independence. If we had to choose freedom or companionship…we would choose to be free! ?? I know that’s hard to understand especially coming from a woman but I only love because my heart gives me no choice. Not because I believe in companionship. My friends are already the great loves of my life. Wow…that was a lot. Hope I haven’t lost you because we are not done yet. Over the weekend I spoke to Julio, my infamous first love. He jokingly said that we should just get married and have children and be like all the miserable yet in love Jamaican couples we know. He told me he loved me and missed me. And I can appreciate him for those kind words but I think Julio has just given up on love and is settling for a semi arranged marriage with me. We know each other, we know each other’s families, and get how the other person works but I don’t want to spend my life with a man that’s just choosing me because nothing else worked. The best offer I could make him is if we get to 50 and are still single…let’s try to live in the same retirement home so I have someone familiar to hangout with and cuss out. ? I don’t want to be anyone’s fall back plan. If I’m going to fail at love…it will be on my own terms. Yes I’m 36 and the longer I stay with someone who has no future plans for me…I give up the chance to have a family. But for me, I could see myself mourning the children I never had with the Ex Factor but I cannot see myself mourning a family in general. It’s just not my style. Maybe as I get older companionship will become more important but for now it’s still low on my list. Traveling and spending time with my friends and family is so much more important to me. ?? Yes I am terrified of love (working out) but I’m even more frightened by the fact that I could one day wake up next to someone I settled for and decide to run from him and the family we created…for only love could make me stay. Maddening…sickening…I can’t stand his face love. And that’s when it dawned on me…I don’t want to live a day without the Ex Factor. However long the time we have is…I need to just stop complaining and enjoy it….for the future is uncertain no matter who you are and no matter what commitments were made. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. I’m not sure if I will continue the Awaiting Boaz series since I’m not ready for him. But the one thing I’m certain of is my true love must be my friend first…that’s what will allow me to let my guard down and love again. I can’t do an arranged nor semi arranged marriage. I’m the Carrie Bradshaw of my time. I want love to be my driving force. If it does not move me…I cannot do it. ??
It’s no secret that my personal life has been very toxic for a while. What had escaped me (but probably did not escape my readers) is how much of that toxicness I was dishing out myself. Not only has the Ex Factor not been good for me but in the last year…I haven’t been good for him. I don’t know how I could have missed that. It actually only occurred to me when, during our last argument, he told me that I was acting like a victim when I had insulted him and had such negative thoughts about him. I have actively participated in the madness…and he’s right. I’ve talked to him so crazy! Repeating what I’ve seen in my household growing up. I promised myself I would never become that person but I have. And it’s my journey to work on that. Work on myself…no matter what…putting pride aside and speaking only through love even in the difficult times. From the jump most people told me to walk away. He was young and unsure of what he wanted. This was great advice except I could not. What if I told you that I would only try with a man when my heart beats wildly? What if I told you that I do not believe in companionship unless I am in LOVE? What if I told you to let the broken find the broken and be healed? What if I told you that I did not only participate in the madness…but I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS? I’m addicted to it! I breathe it! I have been broken since I was 5. What if I told you that I pray to God that he will allow the broken to find the broken and together he shall grant them peace through true healing? What if I told you that I’m not done? There were times I walked away from the Ex Factor with no notice…I just walked away. No warning shots. In the last year, I’ve been warning and warning…a good indication I’m probably not going anywhere. What if I told you that I’m not settling? Things are not in my favor but is love not a reason to keep trying? So many times we give up. Let go. Let God. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Things are ugly and I am not married but what if I told you that you don’t learn to fight for what you want only when you are married! That trait does not miraculously pop up because there’s a greater commitment…the fight has to be in you. I’ve never fought for anyone and I’m almost 40! Maybe it is a losing toxic battle but at least I have a fire in me. What if I told you that just as many married couples were struggling the way many of us singles are when we are dating?! Everyone makes it seem like a higher commitment means you are being loved to your full potential…but what if I tell you that is not always so? I know plenty of people creating escape tunnels in their marriages…yet we tell them to stay down. But for us singles…the key phrase is “let go” then we wonder why people let go so easily in their marriages and even with actively raising their children? Now I’m not making excuses for the foolishness in my life. The Ex Factor appears to be incapable of love and I apparently dish a negative love. But let the broken find the broken and together…be healed!?? Maybe I am giving up a chance to be married with children with a man who can commit…but what if I told you I never wanted any of those things until I laid eyes on the Ex Factor? In my brokenness, I still chose to love…imperfectly. But at least I chose. That was more than I ever thought I had in me. To the Ex Factor I say….I’m sorry for every insult and toxic word. I cannot control him but I can control myself. It was never my intention to harm. I just wanted to love. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday. Stay tuned because the blog is going to take a surprising twist. This was just the prelude…
It seems like Labor Day weekend is the time that the universe usually shifts my life. 8 Labor Day weekends ago…I decided to stay with the Ex Factor even though he finally revealed he was not ready to be serious with me. During Labor Day weekend 2015, I met Elijah at work. Remember I was “crying and praying” on the train? I thought God had answered my prayers but instead…Elijah was another lesson to be learned. This Labor Day weekend I was determined to undue the mistake I made on Labor Day weekend 2010. So I headed to my second home, Las Vegas, grabbed Harmony, and embarked on an adventure. My spirit wanted to rid my heart of any reminders of the Ex Factor but something strange happened. I missed him for the first time in years of traveling by myself. Most of my vacations I’m running to escape him but on this particular one, my heart yearned for 2010 him. I yearned for the guy I had fallen in love with…not the empty and frozen man he had become. I yearned. So I reached out on Labor Day. Big mistake. Everything was fine on Monday. It was the Tuesday that things went to hell in a hand basket. The Ex Factor text to find out exactly when I would be home on Wednesday. When I told him Wednesday night…he seemed disappointed so I inquired as to why. Apparently the Ex Factor had wanted to stop by and see me. You see…we hadn’t seen each other in almost two months. Next week will actually make it two months since I’ve seen his face. I had to put a stop to us seeing each other. My body couldn’t take him only touching me in the physical sense while leaving my heart naked and bruised. I needed time to think. Breathe. Focus on me. So I took that time. We never lost contact though. Somewhere in our conversation the Ex Factor innocently said something that triggered me and all of a sudden I was cussing his ass out! Full blown Vietnam flashbacks from all the times I felt he neglected or abandoned me. I had turned into a vengeful nagger. I was turning into my mother! Ugh! ? Now there are times he had it coming. 2017 has been no picnic with some of the shit that’s come out of his mouth but this time I was on one by my damn self. Before I knew it, the Ex Factor was promising not to contact me anymore. And so my last day in Vegas was a bit sad but it’s Vegas so I pressed on to wrap my trip up in a positive manner. The next day I did text to apologize for my behavior but got no response. Now here is where things got interesting. My flight from Vegas to NJ got delayed because of bad weather! Because I can’t control nature nor the airlines, all I could do was roll with the punches. When we finally boarded, in the aisle seat of my row was an elderly man probably in his 70s. He immediately started chatting with me. The elderly man was slightly overweight and was hoping that whomever that sat in the middle of us had a slim build. A few minutes later…the mystery was solved. A man with a fit yet small build sat with us and off we went. The first two hours of the flight, I tried to take a nap but there was a toddler kicking the shit out of my seat! ? When Auntie Kingston could not take the kicks anymore, she sat up and started blogging instead of losing it on the parents who could not control their toddler. Turns out that during his tantrums, the toddler was also kicking the crap out of my fit yet slender build neighbor. When I opened my eyes, the first thing he did was offer me some of the snacks I missed when the flight attendants came by. My first impression of him was…he was kind. In all the years I’ve been traveling alone only one other time did someone save me snacks as I slept on the flight. It was a really sweet married couple. Typically though people feel like if you snooze you lose so I’m use to bringing my own snacks…just as I had on this flight. The handsome stranger and I chatted for the next two hours after I turned down his snacks. We talked about our careers, families, our time in Vegas, and even online dating! I’m one of those women who needs a man to spell out his interests or I just assume he’s just chatting to chat. Somewhere in the conversation, the handsome stranger asked me if I was married, had children, and if I had a pet. After I gave him the three no’s, I explained that I’ve been wanting a dog but work such long hours that I won’t be able to get one until I have a life partner who has a better work schedule. He asked me what type of dog did I want…almost as if he knew that I already knew the kind of pup that would make me happy. I replied…a King Charles Cavalier… and then the handsome stranger did something weird…he typed the breed of my dog in the notes section of his iPhone. This was the first time that I sensed some romantic interest because that’s typically something interviewers do when they are interviewing a good candidate. Still I did not let it rattle me. We continued talking…rather easily. With my messy (from the nap) dark brown and auburn ombré hair and bright red, black, white, and gold nails, I continued to be myself because I was not really sure what the universe was trying to do. The stranger complimented me on my hair (when he first sat down) and then my nails somewhere in our conversation. That’s when it came up. What was I looking for in a partner….and I said “Jesus, Commitment, Pork” again. This time though…I said it without knowing what the stranger’s intention was. When Elijah had approached me at work Labor Day weekend 2015, he made it clear that he wanted to get to know me. Stuck on a flight across the country after a delay…I had no idea where the conversation was going…nor was I concerned about it. As we continued to talk about our different cultures, I could tell that the older man sitting in the aisle seat was reading a book yet paying close attention to the conversation the handsome stranger and I were having. Shortly before my eyes darted to the stars in the sky (as we got closer to our airport), the stranger asked me for my phone number and to my surprise, I gave it to him. I’m always hesitant to exchange numbers with a guy because my guy radar isn’t that good. But once again, I was too tired to even focus on that. I let the universe guide me…along with the stars. As I stared out the window and prayed my Daddy didn’t get stuck at work and would be able to pick me up from the airport…the stranger and the older man ensued in a conversation. In the midst of my ears popping, I could have sworn that I heard the older man tell the stranger that I was beautiful, smart, and spiritual and that the stranger should get my phone number (which he had already). But once again, I focused on the stars. No time to pay attention to whatever the universe had planned. Wait a minute….let’s back it up. I just remembered that it was after I uttered the words “Jesus, Commitment, Pork” that the stranger asked me for my number. He said he liked my philosophy on life and asked if I was more religious than spiritual. My answer was I’m more spiritual though I am Catholic on paper. Jesus, Commitment, Pork….that’s the essence of who I am. I believe in a higher power, I now believe in commitment, and I definitely cannot date a man that cannot eat pork bacon! Lol. When we landed, the older man told me that he has three adopted black daughters from the continent of Africa and he worries about their happiness. The older man said that black women are so phenomenal yet black men can be so disappointing! ?? Then he whispered to me…”keep in touch with that guy. I have a good feeling about him.” And that was my time on United Airlines Flight 1906 from Vegas to NJ. ? My Daddy was there when I landed and life continued on. I’ve since spoken to the stranger from that flight and while he seems super sweet…I won’t make the mistake of thinking he was God sent (like I did with Elijah) because of his timing! I’m in no rush to get anywhere nor make anyone my anything. And you still just never know about the Ex Factor and I…for all things are possible through Christ. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. ?
This is the story of the sweetest “I love you” I have ever received. It wasn’t that I forgot. I think it’s just been a special memory locked in the treasure trove in my heart. That’s where Corey will always be. Brace yourself. This is truly one of those “feel something after you are done reading” blogs. My cousin, Larry, and I were a year apart but in the same grade. Growing up…we were super close. Since he was a boy and I was a tomboy until I was 16 years old, Larry and I did everything together. He taught me how to ride a bike, in-line skate, and even how to drive (minus parking?). And Larry didn’t teach me things the easy way because I was a girl. I still have some of the scars from learning how to bike ride (without a training wheel?). Down the hill I would go and fall I would…scraping up my arms and legs! ? Larry had a childhood best friend named Corey. I’ve known Corey since grade school. I don’t have too many childhood memories that don’t include Corey and Larry…that’s how close we all were. Corey knew me before I had breasts! And the last time we saw each other, I was on my way to college and still a virgin!?One day I was in Larry’s kitchen washing dishes. It was probably our senior year of high school. Somehow Larry made the mistake of leaving Corey and I alone. My cousin’s rule as we grew up was I was still one of his closest friends and family so I could roll with him and his boys anywhere BUT since we both knew I was a girl and my cousin wanted to protect me…he made the rule that I could never date any of his friends. ? Several of them had crushes on me over the years but Larry shut that shit down quick. It never bothered me. I could respect Larry’s need to protect me. So there Corey and I were…alone in my uncle’s kitchen as I was washing plates. When Corey first entered the kitchen, I did not bother to turn around and address him for my focus were on those damn dishes! ? He interrupted my thoughts of dish pan hands by telling me that I had grown into a beautiful young woman and….HE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME! ?? I could feel his words lingering in the air as we both stood there in silence. It’s like he was waiting for me to say something while I was trying to find the words. Before I could gather my thoughts and share them with Corey…Larry interrupted us!? Then it was back to the dishes I went! This all happened our senior year of high school. Shortly after, Corey enlisted in the Army and I went off to Penn State. It would be about another year and a half before I would hear from Corey. There I was again in a kitchen…nobody would fucking believe I was once so domesticated…but this time it was the kitchen in the efficiency apartment I shared with my college roomie, Autumn (Scarlet’s sister) starting my Sophomore year at Penn State. Our home line rang and it was Corey! ? He was calling to tell me that the Army was shipping him to Bosnia shortly and he wanted my address to send me something. I didn’t question it…I just gave Corey my address. A few days later, to my surprise, a letter from Corey arrived! And it would become known to me and my college friends as the sweetest love letter ever written to me. ? My heart started to pound as I read every word. My body became light and I felt faint. All of these emotions came pouring out of Corey’s letter. He was in love with me and had been since we were kids. And now that he was being shipped over seas and unsure of what to expect…he didn’t want to waste another minute of life without letting me know how much I was loved! ? I reread every word of that first letter and the series of letters Corey sent me during Summer 2001 to all my female friends at school. We would gather…like 10 of us…and swoon as I read his letters over and over. ? I started to write Corey back as I now had his Bosnia address (for the time being). But I stepped things up and created a care package of photographs of me, a brand new thong, and some other special items that I wanted him to lay at night with. I wanted Corey to know…that even though we had never kissed…he was loved and I was his. He was so happy to receive my package and years later I would find out that he still slept with my pictures under his pillow and my special items (thong included) had made it back to the US! ? You may now be wondering how we managed to lose contact? At the start of my junior year in college…terrorists attacked NYC on September 11, 2001. Shortly after, I received a message from Corey that he was being sent to Afghanistan and was not sure if he would be able to write as our country was now going to war!!! My heart dropped! Love a man and lose him to war. My love would be somewhere in the Middle East fighting to protect the citizens of the United States (I was still a Jamaican citizen at this time and a US permanent resident). Even though neither of us said it…we were both worried Corey would not make it back to the US alive! ? I felt so helpless. But what could we do? We were young adults…and one of us promised to bear arms to protect our freedom. It would be about another 6 years before I would hear Corey’s voice again. Before that though, Larry informed me that Corey had gotten some woman pregnant, married her, and they had had a little girl. It was like my heart stopped but I made peace with it all by thanking God for keeping him alive. Even though our love was not meant to be…I carried Corey in my heart for years. I think there is a tiny part of my heart that will always belong to him. And so…6 years later, I would be in NC for graduate school…shopping in a Super Walmart…when my cell phone would ring and it would be Corey! ? Some how he convinced Larry to give him my number. Once again, my body felt faint because there was my love…alive…and reaching out to me! Only problem was…he was unhappily married! Now you know I don’t do the married man thing so I had to make myself clear…friendship was all I had to offer! And I only put that on the table because I loved him and we grew up together. For a while we kept in touch but Corey would always warn me not to leave him a voicemail (no matter how innocent it was) because his wife checked them. Not surprised as Corey was quite the male hoe when we were growing up. If his wife knew him well, she would stay on him. One day I forgot and left Corey a voicemail. He called me in a panic and that’s when I told him I couldn’t handle feeling like the other woman…when I wasn’t! So we agreed to stop contacting each other. As long as he was married, there wasn’t even hope of a friendship. We never spoke after that…though I know that he and Larry still keep in touch. When I first started writing this blog, I googled Corey and found all the places he had lived after he got out of the Army. I even tried some of the old phone numbers listed but none were still in service. I could not find him on any social networks but I did find his sister (who I also grew up with) and his beautiful teenage daughter. Now I know what you are thinking…why not ask Larry?! Well you know Larry’s rules…no dating nor falling in love with any of his friends! Doesn’t matter if we are in our 30s now! lol. Besides, so much has happened during the time we were apart. I got my heart broken twice (once by Julio and then by the Ex Factor). And I don’t even know if he’s still married nor looks the same with that tall football build, caramel skin, and black wavy hair. We are both probably so different now. I’m jaded because of all the times I went looking for love in all the wrong places. And who knows what his story is. But I do know he is alive and to this day…he has written me the greatest love letter ever! No one could compete…unless it’s my future husband.? Corey, if you are reading this…thank you my love. Thank you for it all. For the love we never got to share stays perfectly locked in the treasure trove I call my heart…never losing it’s value and never lost in time. For in those sweet moments…you were mine. ? ~KJM blogging from an airplane on Hump Day but dropping this blog on Throwback Thursday. It’s my two year blogging anniversary and I just couldn’t leave y’all hanging! ?
So my blog turned 2! Definitely do not have anything planned this year. 2016 and 2017 have been some rough years on many levels. In 2017, there were times I had to choose self preservation over work and working on the blog. This vacation was one of those times! Thanks to everyone who have been supporting me on this venture! One Love ? ~KJM on the West Coast ?