It’s no secret that my personal life has been very toxic for a while. What had escaped me (but probably did not escape my readers) is how much of that toxicness I was dishing out myself. Not only has the Ex Factor not been good for me but in the last year…I haven’t been good for him. I don’t know how I could have missed that. It actually only occurred to me when, during our last argument, he told me that I was acting like a victim when I had insulted him and had such negative thoughts about him. I have actively participated in the madness…and he’s right. I’ve talked to him so crazy! Repeating what I’ve seen in my household growing up. I promised myself I would never become that person but I have. And it’s my journey to work on that. Work on myself…no matter what…putting pride aside and speaking only through love even in the difficult times. From the jump most people told me to walk away. He was young and unsure of what he wanted. This was great advice except I could not. What if I told you that I would only try with a man when my heart beats wildly? What if I told you that I do not believe in companionship unless I am in LOVE? What if I told you to let the broken find the broken and be healed? What if I told you that I did not only participate in the madness…but I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS? I’m addicted to it! I breathe it! I have been broken since I was 5. What if I told you that I pray to God that he will allow the broken to find the broken and together he shall grant them peace through true healing? What if I told you that I’m not done? There were times I walked away from the Ex Factor with no notice…I just walked away. No warning shots. In the last year, I’ve been warning and warning…a good indication I’m probably not going anywhere. What if I told you that I’m not settling? Things are not in my favor but is love not a reason to keep trying? So many times we give up. Let go. Let God. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Things are ugly and I am not married but what if I told you that you don’t learn to fight for what you want only when you are married! That trait does not miraculously pop up because there’s a greater commitment…the fight has to be in you. I’ve never fought for anyone and I’m almost 40! Maybe it is a losing toxic battle but at least I have a fire in me. What if I told you that just as many married couples were struggling the way many of us singles are when we are dating?! Everyone makes it seem like a higher commitment means you are being loved to your full potential…but what if I tell you that is not always so? I know plenty of people creating escape tunnels in their marriages…yet we tell them to stay down. But for us singles…the key phrase is “let go” then we wonder why people let go so easily in their marriages and even with actively raising their children? Now I’m not making excuses for the foolishness in my life. The Ex Factor appears to be incapable of love and I apparently dish a negative love. But let the broken find the broken and together…be healed!?? Maybe I am giving up a chance to be married with children with a man who can commit…but what if I told you I never wanted any of those things until I laid eyes on the Ex Factor? In my brokenness, I still chose to love…imperfectly. But at least I chose. That was more than I ever thought I had in me. To the Ex Factor I say….I’m sorry for every insult and toxic word. I cannot control him but I can control myself. It was never my intention to harm. I just wanted to love. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday. Stay tuned because the blog is going to take a surprising twist. This was just the prelude…
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