It…that is…loneliness…never visits me when I am truly alone. You see…I find comfort in myself. For some reason…it surrounds me and begins to drown me when you are in my life. Head deep underwater as I struggle to launch myself above the surface. I have been teaching myself how to survive death by drowning in loneliness since I started dating…at the age of 15. Only rely on yourself, Kingston. Let them fall in love but don’t you dare fall in love, Kingston. Never truly open up to any of them, Kingston. With each stroke in the water…I swam…holding my breath and diving underwater only during the times I felt like I was ready for adventure. This case of the loneliness was never a thing until I laid eyes on you. The more I hear from you is the more lonely I get. I forgot to teach young Kingston this one…never beg them to love you, Kingston! Up until this point, I never had to. Their “love” came easily and freely. And if they ever left…I held the door open for them. That was me…until I caught the case of the loneliness. This sudden sadness comes over me and I am suddenly disgusted with the thought of us. I long to swim freely again. This never ending cycle consumes me like nothing before. Love has forsaken me and all I’m left with is a false memory. I long to break away. This cannot be love. This is a hostage situation. I can’t breathe. Water is filling up my lungs. The one I let my guard down for is secretly drowning me…with a smile! I…am…trying…to launch myself above water. I am trying to break free. I am trying to make the case of the loneliness a faint memory…. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
It was July 14, 2010. We were by the Tappan Zee Bridge. Sun showers surrounded us and in that moment you took my hand as we ran for cover. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt at home. And it was in that simple moment that I fell in love with you…the Ex Factor. It took exactly one month of us dating for me to be sure I was in love. I didn’t plan it. Lord knows I would never have purposely put myself through all I have endured in these last nine years if I could have helped it. I fell…never thinking I could ever fall so deeply in love with anyone. Who you showed yourself to be then…wasn’t who you turned out to be. Yet I was in too deep to turn back around. Summer 2010 flowed effortlessly. We laughed. We talked. We laughed some more. We made love everywhere and anywhere. I had never wanted to spend so much time with a guy before. I think…that summer…we were together at least five out of the seven days of the week. Most weeks….it was six days. And I basked in all that was you. I watched you sleep. Something I would not do again for another eight years! Each breath you took….my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t have it all figured out….how could I?! This was just suppose to be a summer thing until I worked things out with Julio and you with your first love. That was the plan! But within one month of knowing you…my heart scratched the plan and began writing an unknown song. So much around me was going wrong…yet I clung to you and we laughed. We made love….for hours…sometimes days. You were mine and I was yours. So I thought. Love actually doesn’t give one enough time to think. Love is a FEEL thing. I felt! And I hoped we could work things out. Then all of a sudden, the summer was ending and I got a job in DC…which gave me 48 hours to relocate. This changed everything. You didn’t want to do long distance. That made sense because none of us knew if I was ever coming back to Jersey. Turns out…I would hate my job and return to you…fully…in two months. The first real thing we had to deal with threw off the course of our summer affair. Yet I loved! And I hung on. I never ever held on to anyone so tight…before you. We fought Labor Day weekend 2010 and decided to split. Yea….I’m backing up here a bit. Your family threw a bbq that weekend. You laughed with your friends while I was home packing and crying. Still I could not let you go. I laugh so hard at this thought now because all I’ve done ever since then was let you go. Some how…though…you always found your way back to me. Up until I started making Vegas my home for Labor Day weekends, I use to dread the anniversary of Labor Day 2010. I should have broke my own heart right then and there. I should have forever walked away!!! I regret. I regret. I regret but how can I…when I made a decision with my heart for the very first time in my life! I did the best I could. I tried! And no matter how many times I tell this story…remember that I was once happy and I was once deeply in love…with you. To all who are reading this….I say…sometimes you have to break your own heart to be free. If I had had the courage to let go Labor Day weekend….I may have found my forever love by now. A guy that can communicate. A guy who knows how to love. A guy who appreciates me. Nine years later…I want to slap myself in the face but what good would that do? Hearts want what they want. And it took me 29 years to listen to my heart. ~KJM in Charm School Monday. And so the saga continues. ??♀️
I know we are in the middle of some kind of damn retrograde but am I the only one where ex lovers and ex friends are popping up like a new set of cockroaches the exterminator didn’t get?! I have heard from some folks that I haven’t spoken to in like 6 or 7 years! Truth be told….all of this “reunited and the shit don’t feel good” mess started for me in June! Yet I feel so much better blaming the circus show that is currently my life on the damn retrograde. We going backwards for real! Money funny, lover estrange (don’t act like y’all don’t know who I’m referring too??♀️), and eccentric associates with crazy ideas! As I am trying to bob and weave through this circus ring (literally…even bumped into Elijah a few times…fuck), I cannot help but hold on to my peace like our church grandmothers would to their good wigs and church hats during a wind storm! ???Hanging on for dear life! Who told these people that their presence was warranted?! Did someone send them a telegram…reminding them to shake my Summer up?! ??♀️ I have no clue who let some of these folks out of the zoo! All I am trying to do is enjoy my #hotgirlsummer (even though I have been living a #hotgirllife all up and through my 30s?) and stay hydrated while I pray for money to start raining down on me. That’s it! I am just trying to be great! Why won’t they let me be great?! No matter what I SHALL CONTINUE TO BE GREAT! ? People are always going to try to interrupt our peace! Some out of spite and some in the name of “love.” Take a deep breath and refocus. Don’t let them rattle you. Breathe in and out. Downward face your dog. Have your heart rising forward no matter what! And if you are lucky….NAMASTE on some GOOD DICK that loves you (or at least respects you). Get that orgasm sis! ? Replenish your body with some water. And then upward facing dog on any trick trying to bring you down. Protect your peace at all times! ?? I don’t care if your retrograde folks are family, friends, or foes…get their asses in check! And if you can’t do that…cause some shit ain’t worth your energy…just leave them the fuck alone! ~KJM in Charm School Monday! Namaste ??
Happy Temptation Tuesday! With almost the first 6 months of the year behind us…it’s time to do some reflection. A few weeks ago, I was blessed to celebrate the beginning of my 38th trip around the sun (my birthday) in Las Vegas with Harmony!!! And it was glorious! We partied, saw Janet Jackson in her limited residency, and watched Magic Mike Live (our third year). In between the drinks and sweet desserts, I could not be more grateful that the Good Lord chose me to live this imperfect but blessed life! Sometimes I feel challenged and like obstacles are always in my way but in the midst of celebrating my birthday….I am reminded of how far I’ve come! ?? Now that I’ve started my 38th trip around the sun, I want to share some wisdom! Here are 5 things that I have learned on my journey into my late 30s: 5. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM LOVE YOU!!!! Whoa Chile….say that again for the folks all the way in the back…in the cheap seats! ?? There is no wearing a man (or any person for that matter) down when it comes to true and genuine love! If he don’t love you…he just don’t! Go out and be open to meeting a man who can love you the way you desire! Took Kingston 8.5 years to realize this!!! Don’t be Kingston! ??♀️ 4. SET BOUNDARIES FOR EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE!!! If you let some folks, they will run off with your self esteem and your draws! ??♀️ No matter who the person is…family, friend, spouse, coworker, boss…set those boundaries!!!! And if they aren’t being met…get out of there! Toxic folks love to bring others down! I don’t care if it’s your own mama or papa…don’t allow that negative energy to seep in. Cut ties if need be! ?? This sounds crazy but you will thank me one day for dropping that little nugget on you!!!! 3. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US! To piggyback off of number 4, when we do not set boundaries in our own lives, folks will continuously walk all over us! Every day, how we interact with and react to others….directly and indirectly…teaches others how to treat us! ?? Whoa! This is something I wish I had really paid attention to in my 20s. The more shit you take is the more shit you gonna get! ? Folks watch how much of yourself you are willing to compromise for their company and they dish mess out accordingly! ??? No ma’am! This is not the way to get love and respect. The way you love and respect yourself, your time, and how you manage your life will guide others on how to treat you! ?? 2. SOME FRIENDSHIPS EXPIRE! Some friendships expire like spoiled milk on the damn sell date!!! Meaning you aren’t expecting stank curdled milk (yet) but that’s what you got! Every now and then we all need to take inventory of our friendships! The longer you have been friends with someone is the more you need to ASSESS if this friendship is STILL a positive one for you! I’ve had tons of old toxic friends try to hang on to our friendship under the guise of they have been my friend forever! News flash…some folks don’t know the meaning of real friendships or they suddenly forgot! Friendships are like any other relationships…they are a two way street that should serve as a positive, supportive, and inspiring force! If you are feeling like you need to get to another level in life….tweaking your immediate friend circle just may do the trick! We may have been down for 20 years but I’m evolving and so should our friendship!!! GROWTH! ?? 1. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND TAKE RISKS!!! Remember that growth I spoke about in number 2….well it doesn’t happen when we continuously play life safely. In my 20s, I felt like I could do anything! As I approached my 30s, I noticed that society started limiting me. All of sudden my professional accomplishments did not matter if I was not married with children. First, I kind of accepted that the 30s are going to suck and started to question my entire being. Then I snapped the f*ck out of that negative feeling, started shedding negative friends who supported low self esteem and self doubt, and started to take some major risks in my life! ?? I continued to date a guy 8.5 years younger than me!!!? No matter how that shit turned out…it was a ballsy move that I got judged for left and right. ??♀️ In my 30s, I continued to randomly move around the east coast until I realized that Jersey was and is always home. I started to solo travel, dress even more sexier than when I was in my 20s (tastefully of course), and brag about my vibrators along with all my daily orgasms! ??? And my friends now match my life goals. I like my friends to be ahead of me in every area of life! No need to be the smartest one in my group…nothing to gain from that. And lastly, I am trying to find my career niche….the thing that’s going to define me as the growing empire I know I can be! It’s never too late for growth in all areas of life!! ~KJM is spitting knowledge on Temptation Tuesday! The 30s are the give no f*cks decade! ?? Shout out to HARMONY for out doing all the previous years she’s been hosting my birthday celebrations in Vegas! This journey of my 38th year around the sun started like no other!!! Love you girl! ?