It was the end of my first year in my graduate school program. I was back in NJ awaiting my Spring grades. Nervous and excited at the same time…I expressed my feelings to Julio about how much achieving this goal meant to me. To my surprise, he derailed my nervousness and dropped a bomb on me. Julio proposed that if I did not pass my Spring courses (not sure why either one of us were concerned about this because I had never ever failed a course in all my years of school…yet my NC graduate program was rigorous…I was told that the Spring grades are typically what knocks many people out of the program)… are you still following? Lol. Julio proposed that if I failed my courses, I could take a break from school and we could start a family AND MAYBE I can go back to school later…part time!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had heard him wrong. Start a family I always told him I never wanted instead of finish my life long educational goals?! Was he fucking crazy?! I thought I had heard him wrong again. Julio has known me since I attended my high school academy, college, and now this graduate program. He KNEW not finishing school was NOT an option for me. Stunned….as I listened to Julio lay it all out for me. It was school or him. He reiterated that if I wasn’t serious about starting a family now (we were only in our mid 20s!!!!) that I never would be. STUNNED! I felt my body get numb. Julio knew ever since we met at age 15 (me) and 16 (him), that I never planned on getting married nor having children. Over the years, he tried to warm me up to the idea and because he had been the only guy I had truly loved (up until this point) and I knew he could not live his life without children….I unwillingly and indirectly agreed to compromise on some of it when we got older. Let me be clear here…I still wanted none of it but I loved him and did not want to be selfish. I met Julio April 1997, this incident took place in May 2007, and I did not truly become open to the idea of being a mom until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. It had nothing to do with me being older….it had everything to do with the fact that when I looked into the Ex Factor’s eyes…I saw my children. I saw them even before we ever slept together. I cannot explain it. But no ultimatum nor time could change my mind…it had to be a person. I had to see my children in him. I think that’s the main reason I put up with the Ex Factor’s mess…because no man before him nor after him (through our many splits) could ever make me want to be a mother. Only his eyes could. Only his eyes did. But I digress….back to Summer 2007 and Julio. It was school or Julio. He let me know that he would not stand by me if I continued my program. Coincidentally he did the same thing when I started college at Penn State…so I had to dump him!!! ??♀️ This is why Julio was never the one for me. While he knew me well (then), he underestimated my dedication to my life…my goals…my happiness. I chose school and of course happily continued my graduate school program just like my Grandma Gloria wanted me to do before she died. Love you Grandma!!!?? And so for the FIRST and FINAL time Julio broke up with me. The last thing I remember saying to him…no I think at this point I was crying on the phone….sobbing…though not sure if he could really tell because years later he would always say that he did not believe me when I said I cried and cried all of Summer 2007. Julio had never seen nor heard me cry up until that point. Anyways…sobbing….I humbled myself and said (yes you remember the last thing you say to a great love at the end of it)…I said “we were suppose to get married and start a family after! I told you I would give you what you asked for…all you had to do was be patient!” And he replied no…now was the time. Last we spoke, two years ago before I had to block him again…only permanently this time, Julio WAS SINGLE, NOT MARRIED, and STILL ASKING ME FOR MY EGGS!!!! Smdh. All he had to do was stay down and he wasn’t able to do it. I’m not sure if I would have actually kept my word and married him and had children by him after I graduated from my graduate program. Those things terrified me. And I had said no to others before and after this situation. But the fact that he left me when I really needed him was unforgivable. To make matters worse, the last year we seriously dated…2007….we were only using birth control. One night after having dinner with his Aunt and Uncle, my last pill (right before placebo week) fell inside their recliner chair and we could not find it! I emergency called my GYN and she told me that since it was my final pill before my period week…I did not need to replace it. All we needed to do was use condoms as a back up for the next 30 days. Welp…we did not follow instructions. ??♀️ After Julio broke up with me, I started getting these one day dark periods!!! That’s right…my period only came for one day each month in Summer 2007. I knew this wasn’t normal and that it may mean I’m pregnant but I was too heartbroken to even consider it a pregnancy scare. Instead I CRIED the entire Summer 2007 and would ONLY eat GIANT HERSHEY BARS. That was my entire diet for Summer 2007!!! I cried and cried. He left me when I really needed him. Julio had never left me before…it was always me calling the breaks because I wanted to date someone else or he wasn’t doing what he was suppose to be doing!!! Finally, I told a close friend (who happened to work at a GYN office) about the one day periods and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. I was in such denial that she actually had to hover that EPT under my vagina so I could pee on it. Baby or no baby I wasn’t concerned. Too heartbroken to care. Turns out I wasn’t pregnant….my body was just super sensitive when it missed that one pill in May 2007!!! ?? God really does look out for children and fools. ??♀️??♀️?I’m 38 and I’ve never ever been pregnant! Nor really considered myself to have a true pregnancy scare. In my mind…if I had been pregnant, I would have gone back to NC, continued my program until I had the baby, and either my family or Julio’s would be raising it until I finished up in NC. ??♀️ I am pro choice but told myself I would never abort a baby of someone I loved…only if I got pregnant by trash….like someone like Crazy from college. The Good Lord kept me from getting pregnant by him too! I think those are the two guys that tried the hardest to start a family with me. Thank goodness I dodged bullets and that birth control and condoms do work when used properly 98% to 99% of the time! ??✌??? I typically use BOTH in all my sexual relationships. And if not…with exception of when I first met Crazy (before I was on birth control) I at least used condoms. NOW what was the point of this long story?! Ah yes…SUMMER 2007….I cried and cried. To date, it was my biggest heartbreak. But I was strong enough to go THROUGH it…not around it!!! Ever since I met the Ex Factor, I try to go around my pain. Labor Day 2010, I should have left him for good when he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship!!! But for some reason I just couldn’t! He was 20, I had just moved back to DC (what would end up being temporarily for work), and I was in love with him. The Ex Factor was right…he wasn’t ready (still isn’t 9 fucking years later…smdh) but I don’t think I took the time to realize I wasn’t ready either. I mean…I was still on the path of following my career wherever it went….even though NYC is home for my personal and professional lives. My dedication to my life goals had not changed because I accidentally fell in love. What if my DC move had worked out? I often wonder what my life would be like now had I left him for good then! But the Kingston that went through serious heartbreak with Julio was brave and secure. She knew deep down inside that Julio was not the one for her. I mean…I could have tried to give him what he wanted but it all sounded like slavery to me. Still does when I think of having a family with anyone but the Ex Factor. I don’t have a biological clock!!! Seriously…you have to have known a woman who NEVER wanted children to know where I’m coming from. It’s only a person who could bring this out of me and frankly I’m not fucking sure how the Ex Factor did it. He’s good looking but so are 99% of the men I choose (minus my ugly on the rebound guys that choose me). The Ex Factor is extra tall but most of the men in my immediate family are pretty tall too!!!! So I wouldn’t have to worry about my son (by any guy except extra short ass Julio)being tall because my family carries tall genes. Back to the Ex Factor… He has a way of calming me down and being my peace when he wants to…that’s the only thing that makes him different…. oh yes and he has a free spirit like me so I never feel like his property. There are some guys that on the damn first date you know his goal is to make you his property. I like to feel like love and dating are a choice. As sad as it makes me, despite leaving him a billion times, I know I have been choosing him. He does not have the power to be in my life if I didn’t allow it. There’s really nothing special about him…except he’s super patient and not a jealous person. I think I’m stuck in one of those SOUL TIES but every time I read up on this concept, they say it starts with sex before marriage. What if I told you that I was tied to him two months before we even had sex? It was kind of similar with Julio, our connection was clear years before we lost our virginities to each other. But this is different. STRONGER! Much stronger! Is this what being on drugs feel like?! ??♀️??♀️ Wait there is something unique about him…the year I met him, 2010, one of my family members that I don’t even mess with like that dreamt I would have a baby boy. In the 9 years to follow, several other family members and myself would dream I gave birth to a baby boy. I know what you are thinking but it’s not wishful thinking. Everyone having these dreams are not as connected as you think. Some are family members I haven’t spoken to nor seen in like years!!! And to be honest, if I did ever get pregnant, I would want a little girl!!! ? Without giving away the details of all these dreams, they all point back to the Ex Factor….which is ironic because out of all my men, the Ex Factor and I use BOTH condoms and pills 99% and at least one form of protection 99.9% of the times. No dream nor soul tie can make me give a man children he damn sure didn’t ask for!!! That’s how I know it’s not a biological clock thing. My clock is still resting under a Mac truck on I95….that much has not changed. I do wonder, however, if I’m just getting weaker as I grow older. My soul tie has nothing to do with sex but his does. If I could put my finger on how to get out of it…I damn sure would have. I feel like I leave just to be right back where I started with the Ex Factor…though now I’m only able to stomach his immaturity in shorter dosages. The hate feels stronger than the love (for me) as the years go by and I just get more and more frustrated at myself for not being able to successfully break this cycle! Is there a rehab for soul ties?! ??♀️??♀️ Maybe deep down inside I feel like if I walk away from him I walk away from my children. Once again, you have to have met a woman who never wanted children to know something about what I’m talking about. I’ve only known a few and Harmony is one of them…though she’s never ever open to having children. For those of you with children, look into their eyes right now and tell me what you see? Do you see a part of you you never expected to experience? Do you see a face you would walk the earth for and do anything in your power to make them happy? Now picture yourself never wanting such an experience and then getting to achieve it? I don’t know if I’m doing a good job explaining it but for a woman who never wanted to bear any fruit….in a dream a fruitful and bountiful tree appeared and in it I saw his eyes…. ~KJM rehashing Summer 2007 on Serenity Sunday…and how it all lead to my current mess of a life. While Julio and I would see each other again, years later, and even sleep together a few times…my love never returned for him…even before I met the Ex Factor this was true. Not the kind of love I once had for Julio. Of course, I always want to see him happy but I was never IN love with Julio again after Summer 2007. Never think love cannot run out nor move on when you don’t take the time to grow it and maintain it. Never get that comfortable. Even two years ago, Julio still could not understand my connection to the Ex Factor. Welp…that makes two of us. Does any of this shit make sense to anyone else?!
Yesterday, at Thanksgiving Dinner, I was deeply engrossed in a fascinating yet depressing topic…no…not politics…but dating in your late 40s, 50s, and 60s. I got to ask some of the older men and some of the youngest men in my family about relationships. I’ve known Papa Michaels’ stance on dating when young (sleep with as many of them as you can before you settle down??♀️….obviously advice he’s giving to the boys…but not necessarily deterring his grown daughters from this behavior because to him we will always be his innocent angels?)! And I have had conversations with my uncles about this topic for the last couple of years. My brother, Junior, and my BFF, Zack, are two men that give me HOPE. Not all men are dedicated to a life of misogynistic views and being womanizers!!! But unfortunately, I have a lot in my family that are… They are under the premise that one woman will never be enough…instead of realizing that perhaps it is THEM that fall short in how they view themselves that has them thinking that the issue is with women. ?? Perhaps, these men/boys know deep down inside that they aren’t enough and overcompensate by participating in the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical destruction of women…whom for the most part…only wanted to love them. For example, I have an uncle (whom I love dearly) who has 6 baby mamas that have given him 8 beautiful children. My aunt was his ONLY wife. Right now it appears that he goes back and forth between a few of the baby mamas. Love him to pieces but am of course thoroughly disgusted. When asked how he manages to get away with this mess in his 60s…he apparently replied that…these women decided to put up with his crap because they feel the next dude will just do much of the same!!!! ??? Is this what dating in the 40s, 50s, and 60s…look like?! ?Is this what dating in general looks like?! If so…shout out to all the seriously committed lesbians who take care of their women! Rise up! And show us single and fucking delusional women how to rise up and demand what we deserve!!! We may not be lesbians but you can still give us hope in walking in our feminine energy firmly and confidently cause apparently when we are dealing with men…most of us straight women SETTLE! What a time to be straight!!!! Fml. All of this got me to thinking…is this what I’m doing with the Ex Factor? Thinking this is as good as it gets and the next dude will be scared of commitment? A great part of me thinks NOT…. I have had real relationships on breaks with the Ex Factor. Committing was not their issue. Immaturity and treating women like their property were the main issues I ran up on. That and I realized I was still in love with the Ex Factor. I hold my own so much better when love is not involved! The Ex Factor and once upon a time…Julio….are the only two reoccurring romantic love interest men in my life. Many other guys thought I wouldn’t walk away from them but I did. And now even Julio is on that list. I’m waiting for the day that it permanently happens with the Ex Factor. When I’m free. Leaving him in his sea of brokenness. That day is close….I feel it. And I truly believe my great love is on his way. He will have so much to teach me about love, building a life together, and the strength of a man who believes in building an empire with a woman he views as his equal….the ying to his yang. I await that day…until that day I will say this….if you see me with a man that’s a known cheater or I even feel he’s out there fucking others….if I ain’t leave him…I’m dishing much of the same. ? Men can be boys all they want but they can never outdo women in love nor cheating. Yo…womanizing men…you sure the baby is yours? Lol. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday but was originally written on the Flashback Friday after Thanksgiving. The things I say may be ignorant and unladylike but I stand by what I say. If you a good dude…this does NOT apply to you. To all the women out there….You cannot continue to be a good woman to a bad man. You just giving your life away without even fighting for it. Bad girls are either born or made…I was born. ??
Mercury is currently in retrograde for the third and last time this year. For those who don’t understand what this means…google it. Shit is backwards and most signs are feeling the effects. And of course I’ve been showing my ass! So much so that I ain’t making no sudden movements until November 21! If you have something you want to hash out with me…it’s best to wait until then because I can’t guarantee what the outcome is going to be. I could hug you or I could tell you to go F yourself. Man…it could be a little bit of both. ??♀️ So I’m putting my foot in my mouth (with some help) and Mercury’s backwards ass is watching like my life is some good reality tv! ??♀️ So I sit and wait for some sort of normalcy. Sitting and waiting. Did I mention that I’m running so late this morning that I actually had to have a conversation with myself and ask myself if I was really headed to work?! ? Took a look at my bills and realized I had to go…. ? On NJ transit now…so I’m headed to somewhere in the city….bobbing and weaving the universe as I hold on to my lace frontal! I’m kind of wondering why Mercury’s butt did not write ahead of time to say….Hey Kingston, not only are the winter blues gonna tear you up but this retrograde is gonna have you looking like a clown around town?! That kind of letter would have been appreciated. One thing I’m learning is what I will and will not tolerate from myself and others. There are some I’m so sorry the retrograde got you caught up in my web and others that I’m making note are toxic folks year round…the retrograde is just highlighting what I may have missed. Did I mention that lately everything makes me cry? ??♀️ Damn that Mercury! I mean besides in times of death and sickness….I’m learning to cry when my money is funny! ???♀️ Yup losing what’s left of my fake mink eyelashes (at least I think they are) knowing damn well I can’t afford to go back and see my lash lady no time soon! ??♀️ Just plain Tom foolery…. yup that’s what this retrograde is. I wonder if this is how pregnant women feel throughout the entire nine months?! Or menopausal women?! ? If so….I just can’t be apart of none of that! Trying to figure out how to get this bitch Mercury off of me? Got ideas?! I mean ideas that require absolutely no jail time?! I’m…like…too pretty…for jail. ??♀️?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. How’s the retrograde treating y’all? Anybody wig still on right? Lashes still in place? Write in and let me know lol. ❤️
A discussion about being in love with two people at the same time, online dating, and a how to not get pregnant guide! https://youtu.be/kV3OIjraeFo
The intensity of it all…I could feel his heart beating fast. He was PRESENT and so was I. My heart was now racing. I was on top but in a rare instance…I was sharing control in the bedroom. My favorite thing is to pin him down. That way I could witness every moment of pleasure he experiences….and be certain that I and only I could bring him to this zone of ecstasy. Only I could make his heart beat inside and outside of his body….at the very instance where we become one. At least this is how I’m experiencing it….the intensity of our passion. I…can…feel him….in a way I had not felt him…in a while. He’s tasting me. Calling me. My body is answering his calls. I…am…shaking…while trying to maintain control over him. I need to be in control to feel sexually satisfied. Yet…here we are…fighting for power. ? Typically I win this battle but on this particular night…the Ex Factor did not cum to play. I…am…still shaking. Tasting him. Gently biting him. And so the battle continues. I’m turned on by his determination. I asked him what had gotten into him….and he breathlessly stated that…HE…WAS…FOCUSED! ?? Focused on me and my pleasure. ?? His mission….was to make me climax first….My mission was to FINISH HIM as if in a game of Mortal Combat!!! And so the battle ensues…. I’m riding him harder…but at the same time my body is entering a sea of climatic pleasure. I cannot believe this shit. He’s going to get me….get me to open up in a way I had not in years. Get me to be vulnerable. Get me to lose focus on my mission. Get me to really see him as my ultimate lover. I start to dig my nails into his flesh….now feverishly shaking. There was no fighting it anymore. I was at the mountain top and he had been my guide. Surreal…. He took me there and for the first time in a long while….we made love….in a kind of “I am his and he is mine” way. ?~KJM reminiscing about the last (and most recent) time the Ex Factor and I explored each other. Happy Throwback Thursday! ? True passion derives from us unselfishly aiming to please our partners in every level of life. ?
Sitting in traffic and have time to reveal more of myself to you. There are three months left in the year…. How are you feeling about 2019? For me…the highs were high (like my Vegas Birthday celebration) and the lows were low… financially it was a rough year. Also, I had to cut off or distance myself from some folks that I never thought I would. 2019 was definitely a better year for me than 2018 but it was definitely not my “year of arrival.” You know what I mean….that year that God blesses you in every area of life. ?? I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a job I can’t stand…and still in a “situationship.” When it comes to end goals for a relationship…I am still not quite clear on marriage and children. Like are they for me? ??♀️ So that’s part of the reason why the Ex Factor gets away with some of the mess he does. ??♀️ BECAUSE I NEED TO BE CERTAIN ABOUT WHAT I WANT BEFORE I DEMAND IT!!!! And I need to be certain on what I’m willing to give to him AND us. Not all women are ready for a serious relationship as early as most. I AM STILL GROWING AND LEARNING. ❤️ BUT I for sure have an idea of how I want my family life, friendships, and money to run!!!! ??♀️ Guess these things are still going to take more time in God’s plan?! Sometimes I wish HE would fill me in on the end goals of my life… lol. Like let me take a sneak peak at HIS blueprint for my life. ??♀️ Now approaching the Lincoln Tunnel and reflecting on the fact that as much as NYC drains and exhausts me at times….I LOVE IT! ?Currently rocking this black see through kimono style jacket with my Blue Bang MAC Lipstick….and I’m ready for the subway. Ready to just be me. No matter what…I know I have a blessed life and I am completely grateful for it. ?? Just reflecting while I sit in traffic. Open to new chapters and more laughter. Open to just enjoy being in love in this present moment. It was never my plan to fall in love with any guy…much less fall in love (and hate at times) with one man for 9 years. Ups and downs…highs and lows….at least I now know that shit is possible. Sitting in the tunnel with my heart beating. ? Present in my own life…through the good and bad. I think that’s what it is all about. ??? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Have a blessed day! Make the most of it!!!!
As the leaves change colors and the crisp Fall air creeps in….so does our season of misunderstandings. Things I never thought twice about in the Summertime…now plague me throughout the night. I am unsure. I am insecure. And yes I can admit that. As the days get shorter and darkness feels permanent….my winter blues appear. And it’s like he forgets EVERY YEAR that these next two seasons will be very challenging for me. There I am…in a midst of confusion….exhausted from the overhaul of darkness. Where is he?! I need him to be more present during these seasons. Darkness breathes instability and no matter how much yoga and meditation I practice….negative thoughts appear. I’m drowning in a sea of “what if’s” and “why me’s?” And like where the hell is he? This is the season I start to question everything and everyone but especially him. My winter blues cannot stand him. Yet…like where…the fuck…is he?! It’s not like I don’t explain this season to him. It’s my season of darkness. I am a daughter of Spring and a woman of Summer….in those two seasons I can handle almost anything. But in Autumn and Winter…I am tired (sometimes from doing nothing), just getting myself up and ready can become a challenge, and I’m drowning in a familiar pool of sorrows with some new twists. And after all these years…he still doesn’t get it. These are the seasons I need him to carry us. I need him to be a voice of reason. I need patience. I need understanding. These things are required from everyone in my life. I often times have to apologize for not being able to show up for people as swiftly as I would like during this season. Sometimes I just need solitude so a lot of unanswered calls occur. I am just trying to put one foot before the other every day without bursting into tears. Yes our Autumn of misunderstandings have arrived and it would be impressive if we didn’t let it destroy us…just one fucking time! So I emerge with hope in my heart…trying to fight that familiar feeling. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Are any of you winter blues sufferers? Or in the midst of some sort of depression? How are you handling it? My Daddy doesn’t get it but when I say I’m feeling extra emotional…he just smiles and gives me hugs. ❤️