Archives for January 2020

Dear Christian, It is with heavy heart that I am writing you. No…no one is sick nor dead (God forbid) but I feel like an infamous ex girlfriend would only write an ex boyfriend with a heavy heart! 🤷🏽‍♀️ Let me start off by saying I have no clue where you are nor do I have the need to look you up. Reuniting is not what this is about. KARMA is what this is about and as you probably know…Karma is a universal thing. You will feel my presence in your soul. I picture you waking up one morning and knowing instinctively that a debt has been paid…my debt to you…has been paid. Now time to fill my audience in on what I mean. I met you when I was sixteen years old. Almost 17. Deeply in love with Julio but not sure of how to receive romantic love. Not sure of how to give romantic love…not sure of how to be loved unconditionally. Boy them teenage years were rough!!! I hope I am not alone in saying that….but I digress. A mutual friend introduced us after I had broken Julio’s heart AT LEAST once.🤦🏽‍♀️ I was so not about any love shit. We were too young! But knowing what I know now….I know that Julio’s love for me at 16 years old was REAL…imperfect but real…. So it occurred to me that it’s possible that your love for me was just as real….as was the pain I caused you. Ignorance is bliss until one becomes knowledgeable. You were just my rebound guy. I hate saying that but we both know it’s true. Hearing those words echoing in the wind gives me chills…as it took me…what felt like forever to learn that this type of behavior is wrong. One thing I did know from the jump is that I needed to use you because as much as I wanted Julio to love me…I wanted him to slow all that love shit down and realize that I was a train wreck. It was a twisted way to think…I know this now. What I didn’t count on was the rebound guy falling for me! It was unforeseeable….We only dated like for 6 months (my junior year of high school). I took you to junior prom only to make Julio jealous! Damn I use to make him cry! Don’t worry…he got me back in our adult years. Tear for tear… 😭That’s how I know this karma is NOT coming from Julio. I loved him to the very end. For twenty one years he was in my life (known him for 23) but I had to recently distance myself from him. Oh I know you have a burning question coming….we (Julio and I) never married nor had children. I was always against those things (at least with Julio) and nothing had changed over the years of us dating. He abandoned me when I needed him most (in 2007) and for that I could not take him back. At the time I fully walked away from making room for him in my life (January 2010), I thought it was because I was no longer attracted to him anymore. But unbeknownst to me….God was making room for a second love. THIS is the true reason why I’m writing….to tell you that for the last 9.5 years I got my karma. I met and fell in love with a guy that treats me like I am ORDINARY. He is your total opposite. Like me with you, he and I never met to actually get together in the long term. It was suppose to just be a summer thing. Some part of me thought that by the end of the summer I would forgive Julio for all his wrongs and we would ride off into the sunset and live somewhat happily after. This is what both the Ex Factor (my second love) and I thought…that if Julio had been fighting for me all these years…he had to be my one…. Now when I think about it…we said this as a matter of fact….the Ex Factor and I over lunch (our first date). It was not that I felt it in my gut. It was the process of elimination. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Julio just had to be it. I had run from so many guys (including you) and he always caught up with me. Yet a storm was brewing. Change was in the air. I didn’t see it coming or I sure would have stopped it. The IT I’m referring to? Falling for the Ex Factor…a guy 8.5 years my junior. A guy probably still in love with someone else….a guy great at getting me and bad at keeping me. This reminds me so much of you and me. No matter how much you tried…I could not fall in love with you. Stay with you. Grow with you. Now that the shoe is on the other foot…I understand how much pain I caused you. In my defense, I figured you could not seriously love me at the tender age of 17! It wasn’t until my childhood BFF, Jessica and her boyfriend ran into you at a diner one New Year’s Day many years later….and you ice grilled them….that it occurred to me that you didn’t get over 6 months of dating me right away. That’s the first time I realized that I did some damage. I really hope that all the girls and women after me never had to pay for my immature mistakes. Like when I was seeing BOTH you and Julio at the same time. Julio always knew because I loved him 🤦🏽‍♀️, was always honest with him, and he knew me well (back then). But you didn’t realize it until that random unfaithful day that you surprised visited me on your way home from work…with a gift in hand for me…and Julio showed up at the very same time. Opposite directions….you both came from…and landed on my doorstep. He knew what you looked like but you had no idea who he was until one of my female cousins told on me! I still don’t remember which one of them betrayed me so I can repay them with their Karma. Lol. Blood should always be thicker than water! What a fucking mess?! And to clean it up…I ran after Julio. Leaving you at my house. You followed and confronted us. Yikes what a day?! To add insult to injury, you walked all the way home in the rain. Broken-hearted and angry. I think it took you like 5 hours to get home and I barely noticed. 😳 My only concern was for Julio. You were just an unfortunate causality in my web of immaturity. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Just rehashing this story makes me sick to my stomach. 🤮 But who really knew how to love and be loved at 16 and 17?! I am not trying to make excuses….just stating a fact. We were young, grew up differently, and I was already in love with someone else (Julio) when we were introduced to each other. 🤷🏽‍♀️ But I digress….back to Mister He Treats Me So Ordinary. I got into this cycle that I just cannot find my way out of. Not even Julio could rescue me. That ship had sailed. For many reasons, but especially because Julio was so insecure with me growing as a person and educating myself in the process….that he watched me suffer (in 2009 and 2010). I could not choose a man who would not give to me in my hour of need when he had it. And when I certainly would have given to him! That type of man would have his last dollar and not share it with me. This is not someone fit to be my husband nor my life partner. Julio was not secure in himself nor our love. And insecurity is not only a bitch but it is also the death of all that is good about love.  Julio would spend decades trying to marry and build a life with women that never cared as much as I did. I loved imperfectly but I LOVED. This part escaped Julio’s mind until it was too late. My romantic love for Julio dissipated 6 months before I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor. It went so quietly that I almost had not noticed. It’s like I woke up one morning and my love for Julio had flown out the window and into the universe…arriving at his forever partner’s house! I pray by now that he found his wife and they are living happily ever after. Two years ago, he had not found her yet. Still thinking she was me but if there is one thing I’m sure of….it is Julio’s great love and I are not the same woman. She is her own beautiful and loving being…awaiting him on some part of this world. This I feel in my spirit. 💕As for me, these last 9.5 years of being Ms. Ordinary has been filled with some loving moments but mostly filled with battles. The Ex Factor is me when I met you. Immature, so sure great loves are a dime a dozen, probably still in love with his first love, and carrying around his hurts and brokenness while clearly not feeling worthy of unconditional love. 🤷🏽‍♀️ As Ms. Ordinary, I feel more lonely than ever. Not the kind of loneliness some folks feel when they aren’t in love or have not found the one. I don’t get that kind of lonely. I can always happily stand by myself! 🙌🏽 After all I am still the greatest love of my own life. This much has stayed true! 💙 But the kind of lonely where you just want to be loved by one person (that you are in love with) yet you cannot reach them. Ms. Ordinary vacations in the sea of Unrequited love and I finally feel what you may have felt. Abandoned, neglected, disrespected, unloved, lonely, isolated, hurt, and broken. In the Ex Factor’s defense, I do not think he intends to make me feel this way. But KARMA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INTENT! The universe does not discriminate on what is put out into it. THAT IS THE LESSON RIGHT THERE! 🙌🏽 I only learned this in 2019 through “Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations” with mindfulness gurus like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle!🤦🏽‍♀️ Better late than never! 🤗  Sometimes I wonder if my Karma has stayed with me so long because that’s how long it took you to love again?! I pray not… 🙏🏾 Or maybe it took so long because that’s how long it was going to take me to learn the lesson! Maybe Karma takes as long as She is going to take for all our souls to fully understand why She is visiting us?! 👀 About 10 years ago, I ran into your sister at the nail salon. I recognized her and her hazel green eyes right away…sitting in a pedicure chair holding a baby that she said was her brother’s. Cannot remember if it was a boy or girl but I do think it was a beautiful baby girl. Was not sure if the baby was yours or your older brother. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Your sister did not recognize me or if she did….she didn’t let on. Oh how I hope that baby was your daughter and you had finally found your happy ending! 🙏🏾 Back to why I’m writing. I am writing you….Dominican Christian….to let you and the universe know that my debt has been paid in full. I have suffered and I have hurt…throughout the entire last decade. I’ve cried. I’ve been humiliated. I have surpassed a threshold of emotional pain that even I did not know I was capable of. My debt to you and the universe has been PAID IN FULL! It is 2020 now and I want to move forward knowing we have squared things. And what I have learned is…out of every suffering comes something good. Something that transcends us. I have learned to love when it’s inconvenient, risky, not reciprocated, and unwelcome. I think I’ve loved to the brink of insanity. I love even when I don’t want to love. I run but it finds me every time like unfinished business that I left on my work desk. 🙃 I have learned that a man being transparent with his feelings is a sign of strength and not weakness. I have learned that I need a man who leads me in love. After all, it is still foreign territory to me. I have learned that the only way to love is unconditionally and that being vulnerable is a good thing. I have learned that you cannot replace one guy with another! Took me until I was 34 years old to learn that lesson! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I have learned that Karma has very little to do with ones intention. Whether I meant to hurt you or not….I did. Therefore, a debt must be paid. No one knows the day nor the hour but it will be paid in full in this lifetime. Through the ups and the downs, I realized that I attracted the male version of me…the version that so many of you (including Julio) have accused me of being….unfeeling, emotionally unavailable, and careless with ones heart. Yikes! Even with all the bad times, I still learned so much. Love is patient and love is kind. Love is unconditional or it just ain’t love! Human love is imperfect on all levels and at some point in time we are all victims of its tragedies. I am imperfect! Thus, my love is imperfect. What I am really saying is….I AM SO SORRY CHRISTIAN! I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive 16 and 17 year old me! Fools do not deserve to be loved but so often we are. Now that my debt has been paid in full…I just want to go experience that great love that I know is waiting for me. With Deep Sympathy and Thought, Kingston aka once your “Chula.” ~KJM getting some things straight in my first blog of 2020. Seems crazy to think something from childhood could follow us around in our adult lives but too often the answer to our ADULT issues lie within the problems of yesterday that we did not have the language to identify nor the foresight to resolve. Happy FIRST Serenity Sunday of 2020 to you all! 💕