It’s been almost a year since I’ve been writing to you, my love, and I have something to tell you. I have betrayed you. Yes you. You that I have not met yet. You that I have yearned for. I have betrayed you my love and I pray you will forgive me. When I started this journey in September 2016, I knew that I was beginning a metamorphosis. Emerging…would be sides of myself that I never knew existed…the good, the bad, and the ugly. I would also learn to fall in love with pieces of myself that I’ve kept hidden. In this journey, I hoped that it would not take more than a year to feel your presence but a las…it’s almost a year.And what I’ve found is that I’ve sabotaged myself every step of the way by laying with a man that disrespects the core of who I am. He has been receiving your treasures…my love, my body, and even my deepest thoughts. That’s where he has laid…in your bed…in our bed. He dwelled there my love. I don’t know why I allowed this cave dweller to take hostage of your jewels…for I received no pleasure from it. His touch is so foreign that I literally feel sick the next day at the thought of him touching me again. Maybe it’s because in knowing I’ve betrayed you…means that I have betrayed myself too. It was too hard to face my betrayal and was easier to fall deeper into it. Sold myself to the devil for less than a penny! You heard that my love? Less than a penny. I did not do it out of loneliness….for the deepest loneliness I’ve ever known is when the Ex Factor is near me. Happy days are when he’s not around. I’m smiling. I’m living. I’m thanking the Good Lord for my blessings. So why betray you? It’s simply out of habit…for I’ve been betraying myself for seven years now. It just comes so naturally, my love. I feel trapped in a cycle of despair. Such a strong and beautiful woman like myself feels helpless. I made some wrong turns but it was done under the misconception of love. Seven years ago, I fell in love with a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I did not even know it. By the time I realized it, I was in too deep. Too hurt. Too confused. And he holds on so tight even after I beg him (almost daily) to let me go. The wolf is patient. I have told him of your existence and the letters I write you. He does not believe in you. So he will wait…wait to prove that you are never showing up. My prayer for you, my love, is that you will be more patient than the wolf and give me time to continue to work on myself. May you be strong enough to hold me through trials and tribulations. May your love feel so secure that there isn’t a day I doubt you. May you not judge me for my weaknesses. May you love me for my strengths. May you be greater than the sweetest dream. Before I close this letter, my love, I need you to do me one favor. I’ve locked most of my jewels away from the wolf…for my spirit could no longer take laying with weapons of mass destruction. But if you ever see me dining with the wolf, do not hesitate to approach us. No words need to be spoken. I will come with you because you are God’s promise to me. May you never doubt that I am yours…from first sight. And may we slowly walk into the life of eternal happiness that God has bestowed upon us. I am yours, my love, broken, bruised, and hurt but still yours. Do not waiver nor tally in your journey to get to me. May you be able to rebuke all the she-wolves you come across on your journey. Whether you are BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, or David, I want to reconfirm my love for you. I am imperfectly awaiting you. Trust in that. No imitation will do. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Thank you to all that have been following my “Awaiting Boaz” journey. We are just about one year in! Whether you are waiting with me or you are currently with your Boaz, I thank you for your support. I will fall for I am human but I will always get up…because my faith tells me so. ??
Archives for August 2017
I can’t explain to you how ignorant today’s Hump Day blog is about to get! If you are subscribing to my page…please click on the link so you can see AND read the photo that accompanies it! Some woman named, Kyana Williams, wrote an earth shattering post for those of us women who have never had or haven’t had an orgasm through sex in a long while. It’s life changing and a must read! She basically said to get up while having sex with the man that can’t make you climax and go find the most worthless man (probably working in the produce section of a supermarket) and there lies our orgasm! ?? I can’t even paraphrase her right. You just have to read it in her own words but according to Kyana, the worst that man’s situation is, the more she is sure our orgasms are there! ?? Yasss….Kyana took me down memory lane because I’ve only had a vaginal orgasm with Phoenix (once right before my 29th birthday in May 2010) and all through college with Crazy! Now Phoenix is a man going places in life so this post does not apply to him. Though it’s worth mentioning that after I met and fell for the Ex Factor, I never had an orgasm again! I would still go and kick it with Phoenix on my breaks with the Ex Factor but it was never the same because I was fucking with a broken heart! ?But I digress. This blog is really about the men Kyana described in her post…like Crazy. Dude was a townie, not attending Penn State, had a huge penis (my first from the well endowed club), no legal job, did not have his own crib for most of the time I knew him, cheated like a motherfucker, and always had me climbing the walls! Now he was a good obsession to have! As long as you don’t catch nothing nor get pregnant by these fools…this is the sexual Mecca right here! ?? That’s right…homage your ass to a multiorgasmic experience! ? It was so good that the one time I actually physically cheated on a guy…I cheated with Crazy! ?? That shit was mind blowing. I’m losing it just sitting here thinking about how great the sex was. I was hooked and it was the one time in my life that I was dick whipped! All hail King Ding A Ling! ??????? He and I stayed friends for years. I even went back and smashed at the end of Summer 2009….when I had just graduated from graduate school and needed a pick me up. I rented a hotel in State College and boy oh boy did he still have it! ?? The only thing was I knew he was lying about having a male roommate. In my heart, I knew he lived with a woman…his woman but he lied! Had he kept it real…we would still be friends. I would have taken that big dick and walked away but instead he lied until his young bitch contacted me! ✌? I’m not about that drama! I thanked her for the drinks and meals he provided me…with her money and then I cut him off for life! ✌?✌?✌?I can’t deal with liars. You can tell me the worst truth and there’s a good chance I will still be down for you! But once you lie…I’m done! Well except for the damn Ex Factor. There’s always one kryptonite. ?Anyways, back to great sex! Kyana is on to something and I can testify! MOST (not all) ain’t shit dudes are fucking amazing in bed! ?? Think about it…he ain’t got shit going on so he got to be able tear some pussy up! Reflecting on this trifling statement, it has occurred to me that it’s been SEVEN years since I’ve climaxed. And it’s not all the Ex Factor’s fault! I’ve never had an orgasm with Julio, Elijah (how could I with a rabbit (sex toy not animal) jammed in me ?), Mister Toss Salad (though that was one hell of a tossed salad! Had he had a dick that fell between more than my pinky and ring finger…he may have been great! Plus he tossed a salad so well that I kept thinking….how much shit chips does he really like to suck on??), and never with the Ex Factor (his selfish ass never even tried…?). After doing the math…I realized that I’ve never climaxed in my 30s!!! ?And I’m almost 40! Fuck that’s an entire wasted decade focused on love and relationships instead of sex! And I went fucking younger!!! Where the fuck are my rewards?! A dry well and a semi bitter spirit! Hell naw! There’s got to be more to life. As I wait for my King, I sure hope I bump into a dude where sex is his middle name (safely that is) and he turns my ass out! That’s the kind of dude that great sex blogs are made of…?? ~KJM is not humping around on Hump Day but sure is hoping some great penis falls out the sky soon!? Sometimes I feel like unblocking Crazy and getting that old thang back for a night or two…but even I’m not that crazy! Or am I? Stay tuned ?
Every now and then an article will catch my eye that will encourage me to discuss what’s going on in the world. Today is one of those days. I opened up my Yahoo News brief email (don’t judge me for still having a yahoo email address lol) to find that a couple engaged in a sexual act on a Southwest Airlines flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas. Now I fly to Vegas multiple times a year and ain’t never made it to what the old skool folks call “The Mile High Club!” ?Typically, I’m reading, blogging, or sleeping! Call me boring but having sex on a flight has never crossed my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m always traveling alone and not with a spouse though I have heard of people entering the Mile High Club with complete strangers they met on the flight! ? No judgment here…actually…wait just a fucking minute. How does this happen? Now I love flying! Longest flight I’ve ever been on was from Philly to Hawaii. That was I think about 13 hours. I was with two girlfriends…one of which was scared of flying so she happily took some prescribed drugs to knock herself out because there was no way she was going to ruin my first time flying over the Pacific Ocean! ?? But I digress… in those 13 hours, I found myself in a spiritual realm of excitement! I LOVE TRAVELING! It never crossed my mind to go to third base or even worse…HOME base…with anyone on the flight! Not to mention, I’ve never flown First Class…yup that’s right…I’m right there in them tight ass Coach seats chilling! ?? And you know what I remember the most about flying Coach besides them small ass seats?! The fucking bathrooms were tiny as fuck and gave me a claustrophobic porta potty feeling! ? Like if I can hold my pee from the East Coast to the West…I damn sure will! I KEGEL it all the way til the pussy feels like it’s about to fall out! ?? Now that’s discipline and vagina suicide all at once! Lol. If I can’t hold out until I land, the most I go to the bathroom is once (on my way to Vegas or San Francisco). Clearly if I’m flying to Europe or Hawaii…the flights are longer and I will have to hold my breath and brace the stench more than once as I go to the bathroom on my flight! ? Now if one was on a private jet…I can understand joining the Mile High Club. I’m relaxed when I fly so maybe my coochie could pop for the right man thousands of miles up in the sky but not on no damn commercial flight! My pussy ain’t no communal pussy! ?? However to each its own. Hmmm…still TRYING not to judge. ? The fascinating thing about this morning’s article was I’m not so sure this couple joined the Mile High Club from the bathroom! ?According to reports, they just couldn’t keep their hands off of each other! ? Oh really so you just gonna go southwest on each other while being on Southwest?! Yuck! Now y’all know I’ve had sex in front of my roomie in college and maybe a few passerbys. But those were instances where people accidentally caught me. I was just in a mood where I was willing to take the risk. The first two years of dating the Ex Factor…I’m sure so many people saw us having sex. We were just so anytime any place. On our way to dinner, after a movie, and even near the dirty Hudson River. Yea back in the day we was HOT! ?? With our foreplay action and our sex! ?????? Yes yes yes…that’s when we craved each other to the fullest. If ever there was a person that I would have sexed on a flight…it would have been him because out of all my men…he doesn’t embarrass easily. At least…he never use to. Who knows now since we haven’t had that kind of passion and spontaneity in our sex life in years! ? But back to the horny couple on Southwest! I don’t know where these folks had the sex but now their personal life is FBI record…even though no charges were filed. Yikes. ? Friends, be spontaneous with the sex and by all means climax all over the damn place but for goodness sakes keep it classy…or at least sanitary! Lmfao! Ever joined the Mile High Club? Tell Kingston all about it! #goals (on a private jet that is). ? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! ?
One of the scariest things I’ve heard about folks (especially women over 35 years old) is that many settle when finding a life partner. ? Fuck! Being that I cannot even imagine living with a man…I don’t think this will be me but hey you never know. ? Apparently women over 35 years old (especially the ones who definitely want children) have a greater chance of picking a good enough partner. Scary! I know relationships aren’t fairytales but I can’t imagine laying next to a man (for the rest of my life) just because I don’t want to be alone. In my opinion, there are two kinds of settling. The first is when you love someone who just doesn’t deserve you. I’ve done this twice in my life (Julio and the Ex Factor). And then there’s the I don’t care who he is…I just don’t want to be alone settling. Never been guilty of the latter because ALONE IS MY COMFORT ZONE! I vacation by myself…often…and the one relationship I’m constantly trying to improve is the one with myself. I do date nights with myself. Hell, I use to hit my own G spot better than anyone else (minus Crazy from college of course??). I would be late for hanging out with my friends because I decided to give myself some extra attention! ???? I miss those days! ?To me, men mean trouble so I generally pop my pill and hope to not bump into one I like….but if I do, my womb is protected! ?? Now back to this settling mess. A wise person would say settling of any kind is bad but I tend to think that choosing the wrong one out of love is better than settling for any Johnny cum lately. But that’s just me! ? Not trying to justify the mess I’m in and have been in for the last 7 years. It’s a mess plain and simple. And while the Ex Factor and I struggle to let go…I just think to myself…what the fuck?! Lol. But I digress. The only thing I’ve been yearning for in the last 10 years is a dog and my Daddy still says no to me getting one because he doesn’t want to get stuck watching Poochie when I work too much or are off traveling. ? Really Daddy? I think you and Poochie would be so close. ? Wait until he realizes that that’s his only chance at having a grandchild. ?It’s like a dog or nothing. Pending God’s plan of course. ? But I digress again. It’s pretty scary to think that out of desperation me and my over 35 pals may pick anyone. Even with my biological clock being rolled under a MAC truck on I95s, this theory of settling to not be lonely is freaking scary. Terrified for a second but then had a brilliant thought. Let me play devil’s advocate. What if I told you that a large group of my friends (male and female) settled in their 20s! I’ve a good amount of friends on second marriages or divorced. No judgment here but the point is if one has a fear of being alone…it will probably pop up way before turning 35! Many of my friends got married almost right out of college to whomever they had been going steady with for more than 2 years. Some chose the spouse who could commit over a spouse that lights a fire in them. Meaning…many probably did not marry or settle down with the loves of their lives….cause as we know…sometimes the person we love the most…just ain’t good for us. Some folks married rebounds because the timing was right. And I’m not basing this from just my observation…I’m also basing it on what my friends have said! There is something refreshing about a man who can commit but every time I run into one…I usually have to force myself to be attracted to them. Referring to my ugly on the inside and outside rebound men with money. ?? It’s hard to meet a good quality person no matter their looks. Not to mention a lot of my female friends had to put up with ex wives and baby mamas. Is it too much to ask for a man who does not have this kind of baggage at 36?! This may be why I date younger! Accidentally of course. ? I don’t want to deal with physical baggage…I have enough emotional. ? That may sound selfish but that’s where I am. Settling is such a terrible concept but in actuality…most people do it at any age. Just some realize it later! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day!
I hate gossip! That’s one of the reasons why I don’t do a gossip blog. Sometimes a few gossip headlines may catch my attention but they never hold it. I find that if one is focused on the lives of others (in a negative manner) then they are behind in handling their own life business. And if there’s one thing we will do at Kingston Expressions…is do our life’s work…no matter how hard and messy it gets! We will grow! ?? Now on to today’s Charm School Monday lesson! On Saturday, I worked for a couple hours. Consultants often have to work crazy hours to keep their clients happy so I do just that. One of the OLDER (should be too old for this shit) ladies had just returned from vacation. Do you remember poison ivy from one of my earlier 2017 blogs? Yea it’s her again. As I was approaching my desk, I overheard her gossiping with another coworker about me. A third coworker also overheard and by the time I got to my seat, she had repeated poison Ivy’s last words about me. I’m not sure if she did it to be funny or to let me know that they had been discussing me. Either way I played it off and pretended to be unaware of the bull shit occurring. After all, I had fifteen minutes left of work and then my weekend would begin so I was just going to let it ride. What Poison Ivy was stating was not only untrue but it was something she had no personal knowledge of! Now for her to be spreading rumors about me when I’m only a few feet away is crazy. Knowing that she would like a rise out of me, I stayed calm, finished my work, and left…still smiling. I’m not going to lie it really bothered me. I don’t like people to defame my character but it finally sunk in why Ivy was trying to do just that! Clients generally love me and my work so on a whole, I make more than her. She spends all day kissing asses while I’m working my butt off. Ivy is from a privileged class while I am and will forever be the underdog. Privileged people never like to see the underdog rise. She does not get why my black ass is so smart! This is crazy since I’ve all the same credentials as Ivy but once again the privileged will always treat those that are not like the hired help. But I digress. If you recall, Ivy is probably somewhere in her 50s looking like she is 110 years old. The dents on top of dents in her face signal all the lies she’s told and all the hate she has in her heart. You can’t hate and expect to age well! ?? That’s a fact and that’s why black don’t crack! Amen! While I was in my feelings about the incident, I remembered a meme I had read several months back. To sum it up, you are not ready to be successful if you aren’t ready for folks to be talking about you and trying to tear you down! Whoa! ?? One cannot be a Barack Obama by being loved by everyone. If you are loved by everyone then you are probably a people pleaser that stands for nothing! And if you want to be great you have to stand for something…especially your own success! ?? Jesus was not popular and was hated by many…hence His crucification! Remember that every time people try to tear you down! Keep going in your pursuit of happiness and excellence! Don’t stop to address your critics! Your success will do that for you! ??~KJM saying watch out for those gossip folks but don’t let them deter you from being great! ? Happy Charm School Monday! ?
Recently, I’ve had a number of readers write to me about how they struggle with forgiving their spouses. One reader is still so hurt from her husband’s affair (over a decade ago). Now you know I don’t like to give the marrieds (or anyone for that matter) advice but UNFORGIVENESS is like my thing (sad to say). While I believe that he did not sleep with her, I spent years punishing the Ex Factor for talking to that chick back in late 2012. You see we wrote some of the rules for our situationship from the jump. Monogamy was one of them. The rule was if we met someone else that we would want to explore with…we would let the other one know FIRST before pursuing the new person. Seven years later and I’ve yet to meet anyone that I want to explore with but I have broken things off to get a break from the Ex Factor and chill with Mister Good For Right Now. With that being said, I held onto that shit until this year! I’ve never trusted him since. It may sound psycho saying this since we were just in a situationship but always remember that for the GEMINI any betrayal is a huge betrayal. We treat it all like your dick or pussy betrayed us. Makes no difference to us if actual physical cheating took place. ?? And that one situation pushed the Ex Factor off of the high pedestal I had him on. He fell from grace and…became HUMAN! But I digress…What I’ve learned from that mess was forgiveness is a one way street that divides at one point. It’s either you forgive and move on or you forgive and rebuild a better relationship (through counseling and strengthening communication) BUT what you cannot do is say you forgive, want to work things out, and then spend every day of the rest of your lives punishing your spouse! ?? Read that line over again! If you lie to yourself and your spouse by pretending you have let go of their infidelity, you are now the person messing up! And worst of all, the person you are enslaving is YOURSELF! ?? Yea…take that in! You are enslaving yourself! The sole reason, I believe, that I have not been able to successfully let go of the Ex Factor is because I never truly forgave him for hurting me back in December 2012! ? Negative feelings can bind you to a person just as much (if not more) as positive feelings! So while I thought it was love that tied me to him, it was really my need to torture his ass for breaking my heart! Sick….I know but knowledge is power and I’m now writing this from the start of a healing place. The thing about affairs is it makes the person cheated on feel less than. Even when we know our worth, the mind is a crazy place. It makes us doubt what the heart tells us….that our spouse is human and made a huge mistake. If your spouse has never cheated again and fully recommitted to the relationship then you need to too! That is unless any cheating is a deal breaker for you. In that case, you may want to forgive and move on. Though if you are married, I strongly believe marriages are not to be entered into nor existed lightly! So you better make sure you’ve done all you can do before you walk away with regrets! Ironically, Crazy slept with half of Penn State’s female population while we were dating and I never held anything against him when we stayed friends for years. I mean I was pissed at the time but because I never truly loved him so my heart and mind did not hold on to his sins! Not to mention, I paid his ass back nicely when I met and chose Jason! ?? Never cheat in revenge! I don’t recommend it but when I was young…I accidentally did and when I saw the hurt on Crazy’s face (though we were broken up so it wasn’t cheating in this instance) as he was fucking up my apartment once he saw the huge hicky Jason left on my neck…I couldn’t help but think we were finally fucking even! ?? But yea…don’t be young Kingston! Lol. Now let me get back on track. Our UNFORGIVENESS is more about us than the person that hurt us. We have to do the work on ourselves (whether or not our spouse recommits to us). Free yourself from the hurt. You were treated less than but you are more than…shown through your love and forgiveness to a partner that is willing to do the work and not betray us again. You are worthy my dear. To my reader I say, God is love and if God can forgive us, who are we not to forgive others? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Strange topic for today but since I’ve been working on myself and the status of my heart…there is no time like the present to discuss something heavy on my heart. I really hope today’s blog helps many. Editor’s tip: when I’m remembering hurts from the Ex Factor, I make a mental note of all the crap he has forgiven me for….because neither of us are perfect! One love?
Yesterday, I took my family to the movies to see “Girls Trip” and they loved it. It was my second time seeing it! ?? The first time I saw it, I was emotionally messed up so a memory escaped me. But yesterday, more relaxed and with my family…I remembered. ? Our first date was lunch and the movies. The Ex Factor LOVES the movies. During the height of our situationship, I saw so many movies. The movies was never my thing but it was his and when he opened up the door into his world…I gladly walked in. What I found out was I love going to the movies. It’s been like 2.5 years (February 2015) since he’s taken me to the movies. Why do I mention this? Because it’s symbolic. It was the beginning of him closing himself off. I had closed myself off in December 2012. Interesting. Don’t think it occurred to me then that we were on a road where no doors would open for either of us (with each other) anymore. Yesterday, I sat in the movie theater and I remembered…a time when we really enjoyed each other’s company. Now I look at us and I don’t recognize us. I know some of you are saying….well it wasn’t a marriage so things would be different had it been a serious relationship. ? Even though I have never been married nor super serious with anyone, I have enough married friends to know this is not true. Long term relationships of any kind can lose its intimacy. Because that’s what the movies was…a form of intimacy. A world we were sharing together. Folks stop opening doors (literally and figuratively) and soon they stop listening to each other followed by the lack of touch. This is why I want a break from the physical. With all the other areas so disconnected, his touch is not yearned for. Two hours more of sleep would do me one better. We no longer speak the same language and our times going to the movies are long over. This was the start of how we got here. I always hesitate to give advice in people’s personal lives but experience is the best teacher. Sharing that experience just may change someone’s world for the better. So here we go…the what not to do! Lol. Each couple needs something the other does not but some form of intimacy (however defined by each couple) transcends amongst us all. If you feel your partner slipping away or you are pulling away…don’t spend years ignoring it…hoping shit gets better because it won’t! Nothing gets better without work! If the Ex Factor had addressed the fact that I vacation around 7 times a year without him, I would have said to him that I tried to share that world with him but he shut me down so after a while…I closed that door. If I had addressed the fact that we haven’t been to the movies since “50 Shades Of Grey” came out…maybe we would be in a better place. Traveling is to me as the movies is to him. I remember times when I would get on the plane already missing him. Now I get on the plane and I’m off the grid to the world…and him. I shut down to regroup and prepare for the new level of uncomfortableness headed our way. Don’t let your situation (dating, situationship, engaged, or married) get that messed up. Sometimes people get so far gone until they are on their own island by the time their partner notices that there is no way of reaching them. No way of saying…come back to me whole and lovingly. No way of saying forgive me. No way of saying I forgive you. No way of uttering I want you…I need you…in your entirety. No way of relieving a moment that is already lost in the wind. Yesterday, I remembered what it was like to be in his world. So many yesterday’s have passed since we disconnected. Too many to count. As a result, his touch is foreign and I am saddened. What is lost in the wind rarely makes its way back. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
I told him…I felt like I was floating away from him but he thought he knew better. A man only knows a man. Man has no clue what dwells in the heart and soul of a woman. But he still thought he knew better. We began spending less and less time together. Things actually got worse once I got my own apartment. You see before…we use to have a get away spot where we would laugh, talk, cuddle, and make love. In some rare but very much needed moments….we would stay locked up together for two days and it was great! I could hang on through the bad as long as the good out weighed it. But in the last year, he had no time for me. Days of love making was reduced to a few minutes a month. It felt strange laying in his arms and most of the time, I was relieved when he left. No longer wanting him to stay with me. I felt myself floating away but he still thought he knew best. Something was pulling him away from me and after a while…I no longer cared where he went. I just wanted my inner peace. For most men, touch is so important but for many of us women, touch without true intimacy (from a man we care for) is a betrayal of our bodies. ?? So while my mind and heart battled out whether to stick things through…my body was going through a war. His touch was foreign and unwanted but me still trying to please him….allowed him to touch me. Most of the time he selfishly ignored the fact that I was not even moist in my sensational temple. I was DRY and had been that way for two years! But he thought he knew better. He says he’s been keeping his dick to himself and I believe him. But what his dick does was the least of my concern. The condition of his heart was the deepest way he could betray me. I feel numbness. Emptiness…when I lay next to him. Yet I am full of life, when he leaves. While I have no desire for another man, I also have no desire for the man that lays next to me. I’m just waiting for this stranger to get up and leave. We aren’t married and aren’t even seriously dating (after 7 years) that’s why I’m being so open with you all. I have no foundation to protect. The effects of lack of true intimacy while sexual intercourse occurs only leads to a woman desiring something else. Maybe someone else. For man’s touch alone without love, trust, security, and quality time cannot sustain the heart of a woman. She is but an empty vessel…awaiting something deeper, lasting, mind blowing, and earth shattering. And I finally accepted the fact that there is nothing the flesh can do to save us. For he is just a man and man by creation…is limited. Thus my serenity is found in accepting that I’m in waiting. My body triumphed my mind and my heart. It could no longer continue to be betrayed for it was created to nourish and to build….not to be an empty vessel. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday.
I have been doing my best to distance myself from the Ex Factor while working on who I am as a person. One of the realest conversations (and most difficult) I have had to have with myself was about the truth of why I am so resentful and angry with the Ex Factor. I have made so many mistakes along the way…like not having a clear cut relationship contract from the jump, stupidly thinking my love alone could carry us, foolishly thinking he was supportive of my drive (didn’t realize he had a need to be the provider), beating myself up about leaving him at times he definitely deserved to be left, letting him dwell in my heart for 7 years, allowing him to treat me like I’m nothing, and taking him back time after time. Man that list is long! ?? What I can no longer do is carry baggage that is not mine. From the moment I told most women (not my friends that have dated and married younger guys) the Ex Factor’s age…they declared us doomed. I was constantly asked when would I get married and have children? Many of these women have known me for a decade and change and know first hand that if I wanted these things, I would have had them! Many times over! Yes the last 7 years seem like a huge waste but not because they were my birthing years! I have no biological desire to have children! As a matter of fact, children only come up when the guy I’m dating brings them up! For the Ex Factor, no children is a deal breaker. He made that clear long ago and I made it clear (as I do with all my men who bring children up) that I am OPEN to being a mother but I take having children very seriously…more seriously than I do marriage! While no one can be 100% certain they have chosen the right person to have children with, I want to be at least 99% sure! And I’m so fucking serious about this that even in my almost 4 years of celibacy throughout my sexual history, I still popped my fucking pill! ?? You know I believe that dick falls out the sky and I’m not trying to get got! If the women in my family (most of them) had been this selective and brutally honest with their lack of a desire to just be a mom for being a mom’s sake….some of us children wouldn’t be here and thus, would not have such a huge disconnect with our mothers! ?? So no I cannot be angry that the Ex Factor wasted my most fertile years because I did not want a baby in the last 7 years! Truth be told, I would have been fucking pissed if we had gotten pregnant and even if I was pregnant now, I would be livid!!!! I use to think I was protecting the Ex Factor’s youth by making sure we never got pregnant but I was really protecting my damn self! Too many folks having kids and thinking about what to do with them AFTER! ?? That is not the life I envisioned for myself! I can do better and even if I fail…at least I fucking tried! Same sentiments with marriage! If the Ex Factor and I had turned serious in this last year, it would be at least another 5 years before I would want to be married and even think about children! He would need to learn how to live on his own and pay bills before I would even entertain us putting our finances and our lives together. Plus…I AM NOT READY! I am not even fucking ready to live with a man! Out of all the guys I’ve dated, I could stomach Jason (college sweetheart) and the Ex Factor the longest but never did I want to live with either! I LOVE WAKING UP IN MY QUEEN SIZE BED ALONE! ?????? Most women don’t get that but it’s true! I am just not ready. I think that’s why my heart chose the Ex Factor 7 years ago…because I was in no hurry and I knew I could grow slowly with him (at a snail’s pace). ? So no, I have no right to be resentful about shit most women are on a timeline for and I am not! ?? But I have every right to feel cheated from thinking I was slowly building with someone who loved me and wanted to build with me! Even that though…I will have to let go of soon. I’m working on it. ~KJM has officially been warned on Flashback Friday. Any more time wasted…is on ME!
This week I am in full throwback mode! From gushing at pictures of Jason and I to shredding old love letters written by Julio…20 years ago! As my nostalgia gets the best of me, I cannot help but wonder…what happened to Old Kingston?! She was filled with so much happiness. Plus she was bold as hell! Now I’m sad a lot and feel less adventurous. ? It’s one thing if I had a husband and children and lost my way….that’s a common thing. But it’s just me. It’s always been just ME…so how could I lose some of the best parts of me?! Going to graduate school in NC is where I think an insecure Kingston was born. It was a tough and rigorous program where we were all bright. The sadness of feeling like I always had to try harder than others coupled with the fact that nothing ever comes easily to me…never left me. Plus Julio broke up with me while I was waiting for my grades at the end of the first year of my program. Ten years off and on…down the damn drain. He left me when I needed him the most but it turns out…he did me a huge favor. Yea I’ve been through hell and back with the Ex Factor but I’ve always been my own person (while fucking up my life) instead of being forced into a life of marriage with children with a man I know I would have regretted marrying. So Julio saved me a divorce and a life with children that I never really wanted. ?? At the time of our final split, my heart was broken into about a billion pieces. It was the hardest I had ever taken a break up. For 3 months, all I ate were those GIANT HERSHEY BARS and cried everywhere I went. My family was so worried about me but at least I was eating something! Thank goodness I was so tiny then that a diet of only chocolate didn’t kill my body! Can’t do that shit now! I would be a million pounds! ??? With my tiny waist in tow, I went back to graduate school and finished my program! ?? My next self esteem hit came when I graduated at the height of the recession and there were no jobs! Julio was back in my life (as just a friend I occasionally slept with until I realized I was no longer attracted to him and had to stop), Phoenix reemerged (also as just a friend), and then I met and fell for the Ex Factor. Once again, I was struggling and Julio was not there for me. It left me vulnerable to the one person who had the time and energy to be there for me. This one simple act of kindness, in Summer 2010, is why I have put up with the Ex Factor for so long. When I was down and out…he was there. Knowing what I know now…and looking back…the Ex Factor was caring and affectionate because he was trying to prove to his friends that he wasn’t heartbroken over finding out his first love had repeatedly fucked one of his best friends. ? I was just a beautiful rebound to him and he was the person that met and held me at my rock bottom so maybe we both hung on for all the wrong reasons. I will say this though…my love was real. That is not something I could fake for 7 years! And I haven’t been at my rock bottom since 2013…so I loved even when my initial reasons may not have been great. For whatever the reasons, he held me down at my worst. And now I feel like I’ve more than paid him back by sticking through all the unkind words and treatment. So that’s where Old Kingston went. The minute she lost her ability to financially take care of herself…her self esteem took a hit with every check she couldn’t write! ? Now we all have moments like these in life. Doesn’t mean overall we have low self esteem…it just means that the world whooped our asses and as we were fighting to get up…we forgot to pick up all the pieces. I financially got right but forgot my value and worth as a black woman. Have no fear though because Old Kingston is still the foundation of who I am. She’s there…I just have to be brave enough to tap into her… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! ? FYI click into this blog to see a picture of “Old Kingston” and head over to my Instagram account to see a very intimate photograph of Jason and I. ?