Archives for May 2017

The Sleeping Penetration (You Will Not Reap The Benefits Of Love Edition)

May 24, 2017 by admin

It pains my heart to write this but it must be written. I have degraded myself (once more) for the Ex Factor and things just did not pan out. If you missed my most recent blogs…let me give you the synopsis. A year ago yesterday (May 23, 2016) the Ex Factor told me he loved me. In April 2017, he took those words back by saying he cared but was not in love. Even though those words tore my heart into pieces, staying angry at him left me with many sleepless nights. So I accepted his ugly truth and forgave him for hurting me as he has forgiven me for things many times through our 7 years of knowing each other. As far as the depths of our friendship, I asked for us to be platonic friends and he agreed. My birthday is coming up and we haven’t had sex in almost 3 months! ? I closed the pussy shop without thinking about my need for Birthday sex! ? So I cracked open the door for us to do it because (1) I’m not down with fucking strangers while I’m on vacation. My puss is way too good and way too tight for that, (2) there are two possible guys I wouldn’t mind getting to know better but I’m starting slow with real friendship and seeing if there is any real potential in either one of them, and (3) I have loved the Ex Factor for SEVEN years and love (at least not for me) does not go away easily. So I cracked open the pussy pot. ? BIG MISTAKE! This dude came over (for the second time) and fucking SLEPT! I mean he did a little diddy (I think) and then passed out. Who the fuck told him he could go to sleep?! Did I look tired? Did I signal it was okay to take even a cat nap?! Now I’ve been complaining about our sex life for the last two years. Emotionally I’m fucked up by him so sex has been a dreaded chore like laundry…but this time sex wasn’t even a chore. I get that if a dude hasn’t had sex in months…first round goes quickly. I’m cool with that but up until two years ago he could always out do me in rounds 2, 3, 4, to 5000. ?? That was one of the benefits of going younger!!! I use to brag about our sex life! But now it feels like married people sex! No offense to the marrieds but I’ve heard enough stories to scare the hell out of me for the rest of my life about how sex can decline in a marriage! ? And trust me I know this does not apply to all marrieds! ? But the Ex Factor and I have lost our spark. I use to think it was my fault but yesterday (after losing 18 pounds) hair was done, nails done, and I was dipped in baby oil and Victoria Secret’s Love Spell looking like Naomi Campbell’s cousin in my navy blue one piece lingerie with the g string in the back. Coupled with this tight ass pussy and some 6 inch black heels…a boss chick could not have been more ON! ?? I was moist off of my damn self before he even came over! ?I even FaceTime my sister, Brenda, before the Ex Factor came over because I was looking too fucking great to waste all this chocolateness on the Ex Factor alone! ?? It was the most confident I had felt in years and what was it greeted by? MISTER SANDMAN! ??? Like what the fuck?! Let me break something down to the men reading this! I am not a bitter woman and I do love the Ex Factor but he is not my husband much less my boyfriend so he gets no such protections from me excluding things out of my blog. He wanted something more casual so I delivered! I took my heart out of it and was like I’m gonna fuck him! I achieved my goal but he goes to sleep?! ?When I loved him, I never would pick apart one sexual act. I would be like…my man is tired and worked all day…so he needs some sex and sleep! BUT when he took love off the table, that meant he became my jump off! Phoenix was my side dude (on and off) since 2004 and I dare that dude to fall asleep before he wore my ass out! Even when he was in professional school, that dude had me stringing from the lights while reviewing one of his class lectures! Phoenix played his position! ?? He did not have love nor care to protect his ass so he made sure he laid the pipe well so that I would come back to him! ? That was his only job! ? So if the Ex Factor wants something casual…he does not get the right to lay his ass up in my queen size bed and sleep when the queen is still wide awake and ready! He no longer has the protections of love! Men, know what you are asking for. If feelings are out of it…you have to be able to fucking deliver! ??or ✌? It hurts my soul to be writing this but if you recall…at the start of this blog I stated that I degraded myself by even laying with him so if I have to lay in my ugly truth…why the fuck doesn’t he?! Now I’m at the airport…horny. Not a good way to be. Bet his ass is missing love now! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day! I’m guessing I have raised a lazy lover! ?

My Weight Loss Journey Part 1 (The Weight Watchers’ Edition)

May 22, 2017 by admin

In 2010, I started to put on weight quickly. The job market was rough, we were still feeling the effects of the 2008 recession, and my finances were in the dumps. During most of my Dark Ages (May 2009-June 2013) I put on 40 pounds that I just could not shake for the life of me! 7 weeks ago (from yesterday), I joined my fellow Penn Stater, friend, and blogger, Toi from ToiTime in signing up for Weight Watchers! ?? All I knew about Weight Watchers was that Oprah had weight loss success with them and had financially invested in the company. Now I love me some Oprah but that did not make me run towards Weight Watchers! It wasn’t until Toi, business woman, wife, blogger, and mother of three, had huge success with the program that I decided to give it a try. Come to find out that a couple of my mommy friends had loss weight with Weight Watchers after giving birth to their children. Many did not like exercising nor dieting so Weight Watchers seemed perfect. I was a little skeptical but since Toi had been blogging about her weight loss journey from the start of the new year, I got inspired and determined! I decided once I hit the 20lbs down mark I would publicly talk about my journey. Well I started Weight Watchers on April 02, 2016 and as of today, I am now 17lbs down! ?? And I eat quite normally with very little time to go to the gym! ?? Here are the 5 Things I have learned so far about weight loss: 5. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING HELP! Whether it’s Weight Watchers or another program, there is a program out there for you! In the past, I tried to lose the weight on my own and the most I could lose was 10lbs! I don’t know about you but I needed the structured discipline AND I needed it to be an easy system! I work at many locations in the city. Thus, I am on foot (this ended up being a blessing) most of the time. So food prep was out for me! I cannot lug food with me on the subway and all over the city! No way! My pocketbook alone is weighing me down as I trek all over the place! But what I decided to do was buy fresh fruit and vegetables throughout my day at any fruit stand I saw and build it into my routine. Now this can get pricey but so is obesity…which is more pricey in several different ways! So pick your poison! If a program can work for me…it can work for others because I’m extremely busy and lazy at the same damn time! Lol. So if you need help…get it! Currently, I am doing the Weight Watchers online program only because that’s what works for me. Toi’s program includes meetings etc. Pick the program that’s good for you! 4. IT SHOULD NOT FEEL LIKE A DIET! When I thinking about signing up for Weight Watchers, I asked Toi if she was hungry on her program all of the time. If so, please do not recommend it to me because I like to eat (clearly). She replied that she was always eating and that’s why she loved the program! Soon I learned that I could still eat ice cream, snicker’s bars, and go to my favorite restaurants while losing weight! That’s what the program teaches you to do…it teaches you to have a better relationship with the foods you love. Thus, I just make the healthiest choices at my favorite restaurants plus make sure I eat clean for the rest of the meals I have for that day! If I had to eat grass with a dusting of seaweed all day long…7 days a week…I would not have made it! ? 3. AS YOU LOSE THE WEIGHT, YOU MUST ALSO TEND TO YOUR MENTAL! Initially, I wanted to wait until I lost 20 pounds before I began blogging about my weight loss. I mean…what if I started and then quit…running for the fastest fried chicken buffet that I could find…taking a nap under some thighs and legs?! ? Oh the shame! ? I had to know I was seriously dedicated to this process before I spoke a word of it to you! Today, I’m 3lbs shy of the first half of my goal but I’m blogging because it dawned on me that I never ever made it over the 10lb mark of weight loss in all the years I was trying to lose! NEVER! So every pound over 10 is a miracle and proof the program is working for me! One thing I struggle with is accepting that mentally I’m losing the weight. I feel healthier and lighter but I’m still ordering clothes online that’s my old size! ?It’s like a part of me thinks that I can go back to the Dark Ages again…even though my spirit knows this is not true! When you have been struggling to get fit after years, any progress is exciting yet scary. We, humans, are creatures of habit but somehow it seems the bad habits are easier to pick up than the good ones! ? So as you lose weight, celebrate feeling better and keep telling yourself that you came too far to turn back! You are in it to win it! ?? 2. NOT FULLY CLEAN EATING! Now I know folks say you have to 100% clean eat to get healthy. I would say this is a short term weight loss strategy since most of us are not willing to give up some of our guilty pleasures forever to only eat fruit and grass 24/7. ? If you can do that and stick with it, bless your heart but I know I won’t! I love chocolate and fried chicken way too much for that! ? I do know that because of serious health scares some people permanently gave up processed foods. Once again, you have to do what’s good for you and your health. But for most of us, who are just aiming to get more fit, cleaning eating forever is just not doable! Lucky for me that I can’t 100% clean eat! What I do do is make my breakfast very healthy (50% clean eat and switched from omelets to egg whites), lunch is whatever I want to eat but a very small portion of it, and dinner (which I use to skip) is 100% clean eating. Now this isn’t a science…it’s just what has been working for me. Also, thanks to city life, I naturally walk 2-3 miles a day! ?? So even though I haven’t been able to get to the gym as much as I would have liked…exercise is still built into my day.? 1. NO COUNTING CALORIES! The best part about Weight Watchers is I do not have to count calories! ?? For example, a can of Pepsi is 250 calories but Weight Watchers assigns that same can of Pepsi 10 points! I only get 30 points a day with 42 (started off with this) or 35 (5 weeks into the program it got reduced to this) weekly cheat points! What they do is instead of giving food a point value based on calories…they assign points based on the nutritional value! ? This is extremely helpful for me because it forces me to treat the points like it is money which resonates with me so much more than counting calories. If I only have 30 bucks in my pockets to eat for the day…I damn sure do not want to start the day off with spending 10 bucks on a Pepsi! Like what will I be able to eat for my 3 meals that day if I splurge so much at the start of it?! In the past, I use to try to count calories through the My Fitness Pal app but failed to lose weight. Reason being…I filled my 1,400 calories a day up with empty calories such as brownies and cookies! When one is focused solely on nutritional value…it’s hard to do that. I still use the My Fitness Pal App but only to compare the results with Weight Watchers. What I’ve found is Weight Watchers is much more strict but leaves me feeling full with more energy! ?? I have a friend that’s been very successful with My Fitness Pal but for a junk food addict like myself…I just could not discipline myself enough to count those calories! Weight Watchers gave me the structure that I needed. ? I will continue to keep you guys posted on my weight loss journey! And let me know what you guys have been doing that works for you! Lastly, if you have been wanting to lose weight but feel discouraged…take a small step today! Several weeks later…several small steps could lead to big results! ?? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Thank You to Toi and Weight Watchers for giving me the support I needed to start my journey! ?Here’s to a fit and sexy summer! ?

The Break Up Kit (Kegels Run The World Edition)

May 19, 2017 by admin

Well you knew this was coming! My Break Up right before the summer guide! ? It hurts my heart that the Ex Factor and I have gone our separate ways for what feels like the millionth time and though I cannot know if this is really our finale (He has 9 lives and right now he’s used up 8)…I prepared for it. For the last couple of years, I have been so unhappy with him but that never stopped me from loving him. And even though I’m sick of being hurt by him…when he told me he loved me last year and we made actual love (don’t know if any of this was truly real)…it felt like everything! ?? My heart lived outside of my body and I loved every minute of it. The JOY was so much stronger than the pain but the pain was weighing us down. Sigh… Two and a half months ago, I started preparing my Exit Strategy aka my Break Up Kit Guide. Here are 8 Things I did to prepare for my Break Up: 8. SELF LOVE! Take some time to fall in love again…with you! Instead of thinking about what you could have done differently in your relationship…take this time to hold yourself close and love on yourself. If you can love yourself….true love with someone else will hopefully follow! ?? I have spent time being grateful for all of my blessings. Being in a place of humbleness and thankfulness are my ways of saying to myself…you did your best and you are an amazing person! I am currently reading for fun and letting my imagination remind me that all is not lost! Love is on its way! ? 7. CLOSED UP THE PUSSY SHOP! I sexed the Ex Factor some time in March for the last time. After that last time, I made every excuse in the book why he can’t cum get some of this good good. Keep reading the count down and you will understand why. ? He is a really patient guy so this was easy to do. There were things going on at my job and I had a family emergency so I had some valid excuses. Pussy shop got to be closed from your soon to be ex. You can’t send him off with a last taste of that pum pum. He’s still going to think it’s just for him! Shop closed! ✌?6. PLANNED A VACATION! Now it just so happen that every year I plan an annual trip for my birthday. This year it came in handy. My trip is coming up and it’s the perfect…”what ex?!“ distraction…”I don’t recall who that is” distraction! I plan on get so fucking sexy that I will make myself moist before my days even start! ?? Vacations with yourself or with girlfriends are a great way to regroup and be grateful for the life you have. So drop that man and book that trip! You may meet your future hubby on it! ? And if not, you will feel great getting out of your comfort zone and looking at things with fresh eyes. 5. BEAUTIFY ONESELF! I have my hair, nails, and eyelash appointments all set up over the next three days! Shit! Get that pussy hair curled for its new renter if need be or go completely nude down there! Lol! Do what it takes to turn yourselves on. As women, we have the power to do that. What one man did not appreciate another man will! 4. TRY TO AVOID JUMPING INTO ANYTHING SERIOUS RIGHT AWAY! Now I’m all about dating right away after a breakup. But realize that this next person is probably (there are exceptions to the rule) a rebound guy. Do not set yourself up for getting hurt twice!!! Emotions are high and your heart is probably still with your ex. This is dangerous territory! You cannot replace one person with another! No ma’am you cannot! The rebound guy’s only job is to take you out and make you feel special. Once that goal is achieved…drop him where you found him because he may have even more issues than your ex! ? You are not in your right mind so tread lightly! ? If you aren’t ready to entertain anyone yet, choose some guys you find attractive and start a friendship with them slowly. Get to know them as you get to know yourself. Under true friendship (not speaking of friends with benefits), you may find the man of your dreams! If you go the friendship route, he will learn your heart long before he learns your pussy stroke and those are the things marriages are made of! ?? 3. PACK YOUR BIRTH CONTROL AND CONDOMS! Now I know some of y’all won’t heed the advice from number 4 and will go and fuck down the world after a break up! ? No judgement here…only some advice. Pack your pills and condoms with you even if you do not feel you will be sexually active! I am so tired of reminding y’all that DICK FALLS OUT THE SKY! You must prepare for it and treat your contraception like Visa and MasterCard and don’t you dare leave your fucking house without it!!! ? I know too many people created off of one night stands! ? And to be honest…if you weren’t letting your Ex (who you claim to know) hit it raw…why the fuck let a stranger or jump off do that? Matter of fact let me speak to the men going through breakups for a second! WHY THE FUCK y’all creating ON BREAK BABIES with groupies when you weren’t building a family with your love before y’all split! ??GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER DIRTY DICKS! ??????2. LOSE WEIGHT/GET THAT BODY TIGHT!!! About 7 years ago, around the time I met the Ex Factor, I gained 40lbs and have been struggling to lose it ever since! April 2, I joined a gym and started Weight Watchers. While I have only been to the gym once, I naturally walk 2-3 miles a day thanks to city life. This week is the end of my 6th week on Weight Watchers and at the end of my 5th week, I weighed in to find I lost 16lbs already! ?? I weigh in again on this Sunday coming up and am so excited! And no I’m not starving myself nor doing anything crazy! Just using the Weight Watchers online plan and it’s been working for me thus far! When I am a little further along in my journey, I will write a blog on my experience. Now back to the issue at hand. Get that waistline tight and that ass lifted through squats! Let your ex see from afar what he’s missing while getting ready for your new man! ?? If you have a hectic schedule like I do, build in small strength training exercises around your desk during the work day while increasing the amount of water you drink and steps you take a day! At first, these steps seem like small gestures but if you want to keep the weight off permanently…these little tricks will help along with watching what you eat! ?? I could not have gotten this far without it! So thankful for city life! ?? 1. KEGELS/PUSSY TIGHTENING! Remember in number 7 when I suggested you close the pussy shop? Well it’s because you got to get that pussy tight to erase your ex’s dick print and make room for a new romance in the future! 2.5 months ago, I started my tightening and that’s exactly why I made excuses so the Ex Factor could not cum get some of my good good! Saving that moistness and tightness for a dude who can love me and cherish me! ✌? ~KJM saying that “breaking up is hard to do” while KEGELS are the gift that keeps giving…on Flashback Friday! ?

The Heart Of A Woman (The I Am Not Superwoman Edition)

May 18, 2017 by admin

In college, I read Maya Angelou’s “The Heart Of A Woman.” It was an autobiography of her life and it shocked the hell out of me! Our dear strong Maya struggled with low self esteem and bad relationships as a result. As life handed her disappointment after disappointment, she found her voice and became the voice of strength for many generations to come. ?? I don’t know about you but from reading Maya’s works and listening to her speeches…I could not picture her having a moment of self doubt. Perhaps that’s why she is still so relevant and inspirational present day! Her voice speaks of wisdom…the wisdom to turn dark corners and find self love. If our sista Maya could be lost at times….I don’t know how the hell I grew up thinking I was Superwoman! Yes little young minded me! ? I grew up seeing the women on both sides of my family continuously beaten and cheated on and remember thinking I WILL BE STRONGER THAN THEM! ?? And yes they did make me stronger in so many ways. (1) For example, I guard my womb like the secret service guarded President Obama. And I love my womb like our President loves his wife, Michelle! ?? I always say that if it’s just you…you can afford to make a million mistakes but when you have children (no matter what age you have them) you have to grow the fuck up immediately and the shit you use to do you just can’t do anymore! With raising children, you don’t get a billion years to find yourself! You better just get right…quick! And yes mistakes will still be made but they bet not be the rookie mistakes you made when it was just you! ? That’s what I have always told myself. So by myself, my heart is open to almost any Tom Foolery but my womb is NOT for sale! For my womb, I have to be as sure as I can be of who their father is. And I may still fuck up but my womb will know that I WAITED and I tried my best to find the most worthy seeds and CHOSE to allow them to be planted in me…to give my children life! ?To date, the only time I truly thought of opening up my womb was to the Ex Factor (for how ever many kids he wanted) but I never did let him plant there. We needed to do way better than what we have been doing for that to happen. I needed to trust that he would be there for us. (2) I am also stronger in my career for I am growing it while it’s still just me! So I can pull 90 hour work weeks without feeling guilty because it’s just me…on my grind! ?? (3) And I am stronger in self love…even with all my mistakes…because I planned my entire life solo since I was 5. I do almost everything by myself (BY CHOICE)…from vacations to going to the movies/dinner to moving to different states and setting up shop! I love spending time with myself. Never been boy crazy…don’t think I have it in me. But even with all of those strengths, I still have the heart of a woman…a confused woman. I still get hurt. I still get disrespected (though my retaliation is typically sick) and I still fall in love with the wrong fucking guy! ??? I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! Not even close to. I am a bad ass in my own right…got plans of living in a big house with my six dogs from here to eternity…while the women in my family look at me like I’m crazy! Lol. If a GOOD man comes along great but if he doesn’t….I will still be doing me. This is what I’ve reflected on as the shit hit the fan with the Ex Factor and I. I dated him during my highest child birthing years 29-35 and did not get shit out of it. However, I never wanted children until I looked into his eyes so if there was no him…I am almost certain the only responsibility I may have now…is maybe a dog. ? No one knows what the future holds but as 36 is slowly approaching (this month), I have to remind myself that I did not waste my life these last 7 years. I fought hard for love and it just did not pan out. This heart of a woman is just so grateful that I could even love like that! ?? ~KJM is in the healing process on this Throwback Thursday!

The Sensual Pause (As I Whisper To You Edition)

May 17, 2017 by admin

I…whisper to you…after a long sensual pause. What I say…only you can hear but I can see myself smiling. I could feel my heart beating fast. I could FEEL. ?? This is how my dream began each night. I could not see your face but I knew you existed. So I locked up this deep desire until I could be sure that you were the one worth waiting for. It’s been years since I was made love to….at least not the kind of love that could fulfill a lasting deep desire. It was like I was starved of any real intimacy and affection and you have now appeared…to feed me a four course meal! ?? Before you…sex was a chore. Yet night after night you visited me in my dreams…pleasuring me…in a way I never thought possible. My pointed and sharp nails digging into your flesh. A flesh…along with your heart…I have kidnapped and made my permanent hostage. And in my prison…lies my heart and my untouched womb just for you to plant your seeds in. Night after night you found me in my dreams. There…was…no…hiding. TRAPPED. Pausing only to whisper to you after you tapped into my hidden treasures. Treasures that I thought would forever be sealed. You, however, patiently took your time unlocking my secret places while commanding my body to flow with yours…position for position. I breathlessly try to keep up…afraid you will take me hostage next…with the captor now becoming the captive. You sensually touch me and after a long pause…I whisper to you. What I say is only for your ears… In this moment…I am vulnerable…allowing you to explore my fears while tasting my tears of passion. I…I…had…never cried during sex. Never felt so many emotions at one time. As I struggle to not reach my peak before you do…I whisper to you. This is the endearing love that I had prayed for. The thing I had once heard was a myth but still I dared to hope was real. And that you would cum to me. That you would be strong enough to seek me. Intelligent enough to teach me. And spontaneous enough to have me craving you and only you for a lifetime. After a sensual pause, I whisper to you. Digging my nails deeper into your flesh. I…I…am marking my territory. No matter who came before me…I am your last…your forever. Can you taste it? It being the feeling of eternity that lies between my heart and my legs. Moist. Sweat. Here comes the pause again. It’s as if I am being interrogated and you are enticing me to tell you all of my secrets. I can barely make a sound! Frozen in a sea of seduction. Legs trembling. Heart bursting. This is why I have to whisper to you. Too weak to say all that is in my heart. Too moist to ask you what took you so long. All that matters is that you are here now. And you aren’t letting me go. ~KJM is dreaming of that forever enticing and seductive yet loyal and trusting LOVE on Hump Day! ?

The Mattress

May 16, 2017 by admin

A few years ago, I read about a girl who had walked across her graduation stage carrying a mattress…to represent a dark time in her life. A guy on her campus raped her and never got any punishment for it. The mattress most likely represented the fact that she nor anyone else will not hide from her truth. It was devastating to read her story but I could not help but admire her courage. Two of her friends helped her carry that mattress. There she was…with her degree in one hand and the mattress in the other. We could all feel her story at that moment in time and none of us…including her rapist…could hide from it! ?? Praise Jesus! I hope her healing has continued because whether she knew it or not…what she did was brave and inspirational. When I initially think of stories involving a mattress…I think of SHAME! But this young woman turned shame into strength and she did it for herself and other victims of rape and sexual assault. She made sure her story was not forgotten. While my story is not as deep nor similar to why the mattress was originally carried (won’t ever take away from her pain and her glory in overcoming it)…I am picking up my mattress and taking a page out of her book. My MATTRESS initially represented something that someone took from me that I either can never get back or I will have to fight my entire life to get back. I AM SO ASHAMED. So much so that I thought about not sharing this story until I was healed from it. But I want you all to feel my RAW emotions and you can only do that if….you stand in time with me. You must breathe the filth with me. Hurt with me as I stand in the stench that lies on top of me. Early Sunday morning, I got into it badly with the Ex Factor via phone. It’s like all the shit I have been holding in…wanted to be free. My love/hate for him had boiled over. I’ve been telling him for months that I’m starting to fall out of love. His response before use to be that he’s going to try to make me happy but his response as of April was that he was never in love. Boy that hit me hard. 7 years of me being down with him through the highs and lows and all I was to him was a mattress. A fucking mattress! ?When I suggested that we become platonic friends in April (not my first time suggesting it) he finally agreed and then hit me with the he was never in love. Like why do that if I’m asking to be friends? Why hurt me more by making it very difficult for me to see him in a good light? Sunday’s argument ensued because I called the Ex Factor a liar. I wanted him to admit he lied about ever loving and caring about me. Instead of “maning up”, he punked out saying that feelings change. Of course they do, but love does not (true love) go away in a month. In February you loved and cared for me and now you were never in you? He fucking lied! He and I know it. It’s either he’s lying now to hurt me or he was lying then to keep me. But a lie is a lie is a lie. My conversations with him have been very consistent. Only my love for him kept me taking him back. In all the times we split, I never looked him up. He finds me. No matter what state I live in. Even when I broke things off with Elijah, April 1st of last year, I never went looking for the Ex Factor. He came and found me at the end of May…right before my birthday. And he dropped the L word…I never ever asked him to. And though I tried to not be persuaded by it…I ended up taking him back. My love for him was just that strong! ? But the thing that left me beyond hurt is even when he was talking crazy…I never hit below the belt and I let him have the last word. Even though he put so many “lols” in his messages…he disrespected me to the fullest and then had the fucking nerve to ask me if I still wanted to keep seeing him?! Let me be clear about something…I have not seen the Ex Factor since mid March by choice. He has not been to my new apartment. I wanted to save the friendship and did not want to shake things up while my family was going through an emergency but I knew I was leaving him. I asked the Ex Factor to stand by me (from afar), until all the chaos settled and when it did…I let him know he could go. But he hung around on his own accord like a parasite. I did love this man with my all and he clearly did not appreciate it but I thought we could end peacefully and somewhat cordially. The way he was talking…I could tell he had no respect for me and that he felt I had low self esteem to be dealing with him. Generally, I do not suffer from low self esteem but like many strong women…I got strong by making many wrongs turns and finding my strength through each turn. I settled for less…yes I did but I called it unconditional love! That part I am not ashamed of because I never thought I could unconditionally love someone romantically… ? And I am sure a part of me always will love some part of him. ? As he was ripping me apart…I uncovered MY MATTRESS. SHAME, SELF DOUBT, and INSECURITIES were in it. I failed myself in so many different ways and I’m still so ashamed of it. That’s where my anger comes from. I let him degrade me on the phone because I’ve learned that when someone hurts someone that loves them…karma will have their ass! Julio is proof of that. But I’m definitely going to tell MY truth in my blog! You hurt me yes you did. All I ever tried to do was love you but as you signal that you are unloveable…I decided to finally believe you. And so I let him have the last words as I picked up my mattress of shame, self doubt, and insecurities and moved on. When people lose respect for each other…there’s no going back. My parents taught me that. So I walk away with my mattress and I try not to let those times he walked all over me affect the core of who I am as a person. “I still believe in miracles and love is a miracle.” ?? For the right man…I will never be too much of anything. So here’s to…awaiting BOAZ. Hoping that he himself is healed from all past hurts as I prepare myself for him. ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. AUTHOR’S NOTE: when I first wrote this blog…it was filled with the Ex Factor’s inadequacies but I revised it for I am better than that. He is still someone I care about and even if he does not treat me respectfully…I will rise above it. PUBLIC SERVICE NOTE: If Elijah, Julio, or any other deadbeat narcissist from my past or near future is reading this…things did not work out with the Ex Factor but I still don’t want you! Please do not contact me ever! ✌?

Back To The Land Of Pimps And Hoes (The Bad Customer Service Edition)

May 15, 2017 by admin

I am not sure if it’s because the economy got a boost over President Obama’s two terms or if people done lost their got damn minds but I’m noticing a nasty pattern when dealing with customer service representatives. PISS POOR customer service is what I’ve been receiving…that is until I lose it on someone and they get some act right! ? It’s like no one is afraid of losing their jobs nor of not being able to pay their rent! ? Folks, barely know how to do their jobs or barely care to do it. Now I’m not referring to the people that have job security like those who work for the Federal Government. And I’m not even speaking about the same assholes who have worked for the DMV ? since I was a teenager and don’t give a fuck about whether my car gets registered there or if the police pulls my ass in for an expired registration and then my car finally has to get registered…not those special assholes. You know they just plain old don’t give a fuck! ??? How nice job security must be! ?? I am talking to the rest of those jerk offs that aren’t in a position to lose their jobs and should care about the customer service they provide! Yes….YOU! ?? I am just going to tell your asses this ONE time! Here are the top 5 Customer Service Fuck Ups I have recently observed: 5. THE MS I CANNOT DO THAT REP! In my industry, the CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! And even though we are all well aware that some customers are ass wipes themselves (yes you cussing out the McDonald’s cashier over a 59 cent burger)…to make sure that our coins never come up short…and that we do not ruin our company’s reputation…we tell y’all that you are right and get the unforeseeable and the impossible done! We make the impossible POSSIBLE! ?? That is good customer service. For some reason, there are folks in customer service who did not learn this rule! ? If I had the power to fire your ass on the spot…I sure the fuck would! But since I don’t…I’m just going to school you. Ms I Cannot Do That….yes the fuck you can and you damn sure will!!! If I tell your ass to part the Red Sea and then pass me a glass of water…you sure will! And if you don’t…well how about you hop your useless self off of the line and get your manager on the phone! Perhaps she is from the customer service school of the hard knocks! ?? 4. MR I AM NOT NEW TO MY JOB BUT I STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY DO IT! ? Now someone done F’ed up in your initial training because how the hell have you been doing this same job for 5 years but you have no clue how to actually do it?! Who the hell did you sleep with to get here because your ass don’t even know how to punch a few buttons?! ?To add insult to injury, you have been doing the same job for FIVE YEARS with no promotion (thank goodness)! But that in itself tells me sooo much! The next time I speak to a customer service representative…the first two questions I’m going to ask are (1) how long have you been doing this job? And (2) Were you ever promoted?! Those two questions right there should tell me a lot about who I am speaking with! ✌?3. MS YOU (OR YOUR COMPANY) FUCKED UP BUT YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE WITH THE CUSTOMER! I’m not sure what kind of rock you slithered from under nor which one of your funky armpits you are currently smelling but I’m gonna need you to get right…QUICK! I don’t care if your husband just left you nor if your dog died….don’t bring that shit to work! ? A customer does not want any of your lip service…they just want good customer service! Now I don’t care how loud the customer gets…you have no right to match their tone! If you are correctly doing your job, you should be able to diffuse the situation quickly or be able to get your manager…whom I hope has more home training and enough intelligence to know that a customer’s rants is not enough for him to lose his job! ✌? 2. MR MISSING IN ACTION SO LONG I THOUGHT HE GOT FIRED AND REHIRED AGAIN! It’s the worst feeling when you desperately need to speak to someone about an issue you are having and they put you on hold…forever! Even worse, when you waiter disappears after taking your order and comes back what feels like two hours later…in an unpacked restaurant…without your food…and now asking you to repeat what you originally ordered because they forgot to put your order in! Lawd a mercy! This has really happened to me! Who is running this institution?! Did y’all just set up shop yesterday?! These folks should be straight up unemployed….that way the public can remain safe from stupidity with good customer service! ✌?1. MS I HATE MY JOB! Well shit…I hate mine too! However, it’s a blessing to be working. If you do not feel that way…hop your ass on the unemployment line then! There are plenty of people who would kill to have your job…no matter how crappy it is! Either act right or get fired! Nobody and I mean nobody has time for this behavior! ✌?~KJM on Charm School Monday ???

Awaiting BOAZ Letter 9: LOVE Is A Choice (The Love vs. Lust Edition)

May 11, 2017 by admin

He questioned whether he had ever been in love (with anyone) and the light in my eyes slowly dimmed. To him, love is a feeling that he felt he would recognize. And suddenly a tear fell from my eyes. Just one tear. I would not weep the way I had…over these last 7 years. I would not weep. I shall not weep. He, along with our memories, deserved just one last tear. It was a tear of relief. My whole life would not be swept up in a sea of selfishness and my heart was finally free to await BOAZ. ?? For the last two years, that one tear had been building up. I held it in until I no longer could. Of course, the big surprise that I had not planned for was…that there was in fact no love there. I just thought (because it’s what I had been told) that we loved but timing was off. To hear there was no love there was devastating. But this fool was only going to get one last tear! When I discussed it all with my brother, Junior, he quietly asked me, “Who knows a great love until they lose it?” From where Junior was standing…great loves were often overlooked until we each find ourselves in a sea of despair and pain…disconnected from the one person who stood by us and loved us…even when we did not deserve it. Yes great loves (when unappreciated) may take a one-way flight…leaving us alone with our feelings of regret. To Junior, most of us humans would get it wrong a thousand times before we got it right…that is the ability to give and receive true unconditional love. Deep down inside…many of us think we are not worthy of it. That’s the secret that no one wants to expose! And so our great loves fly away…leaving us void of all the joys we took for granted. ?? Keeping Junior’s words in mind…I too remembered something that I have heard from the marrieds who had spent 30 years or more in sharing their lives with their great love. When asked how they managed to make it to 30 plus years of marriage…I constantly heard different variations of “LOVE IS A CHOICE!” I did not understand it then but now I am beginning to comprehend the concept. You see…when two loves first meet…they get wrapped up in a feeling of ecstasy. This is LUST. No long term relationship can survive on lust….no matter what we think. Long after the feeling leaves us (an intoxicated lust that is) we have to make the choice to stay in that moment with our love. In the ugly moments that we cannot even bare to look at them…we make the choice to keep loving them. LOVE IS A CHOICE! If we are always expecting it to be this strong romantic and intoxicating burst of emotions…no one love will ever satisfy lust’s appetite. Leaving lust starving….never able to amount to a lifetime of happiness with a great love. Like the sand in the desert when a big wind storm comes through…we will be swept away…always searching for what is not attainable. In this quest, we are in fact chasing lust…not love. Lust is forever changing yet never evolving into something deep and meaningful. Lust cannot be trusted…for it changes wind patterns in a blink of an eye. Lust cannot guide us through the wind storms because it is a figment of our passionate imaginations. It will always look good on someone else. Can you taste that? It is a deceitful passion that will never fill your soul up! Lust will always change faces…taking us further away from the stability and unconditional dedication of true everlasting LOVE. So if you are waiting for that feeling…or experiencing it and hoping it never goes away…you will find yourself on a lonely journey. Only LOVE has the ability to evolve into a lifetime of action filled “I Love You’s.” Love shall not abandon you in your darkest hours while lust is on to the next best thing. Lust is an imitation of LOVE. Wait..let me go one step further. LUST IS AN IMPOSTER OF LOVE and only those aware of the power of a great love will recognize it. ?? This point brings me to the unspoken words I should have said to the Ex Factor. That feeling he seeks again…left me years ago…yet I’m still here. There are times I can’t stand the sight of him yet I stayed. Through all the weeping and disappointments…I still chose him. And in those moments he failed me…I chose to focus on the times he was there for me. I made the choice to love. So far…he is the only person I ever made that choice to love no matter what. Through our ups and downs, I instinctively made that choice. I never even knew I had it in me…to keep going even though the road was dark and filled with obstacles. I made the choice…when it was not easy to. That..is…love. And I will take that with me in hopes that it will be the thing that BOAZ appreciates about me the most…my ability to choose him…above all else. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. ?

Awaiting BOAZ Letter 9: LOVE Is A Choice (The Love vs. Lust Edition)

May 11, 2017 by admin

Case Of The Ex (The Why The F*ck Do You Still Pick Up Her Phone Calls Edition)

May 9, 2017 by admin

There is no better day to get in touch with my ignorant side than Temptation Tuesday! ?? Last night, my brother, Junior, and his girl of almost three years, Vanessa, came to visit me at my new apartment. ? They were my first official guests…meaning they weren’t coming by to unpack a box nor set up furniture. ? They were just there for pure entertainment but I was the one entertained after a conversation about my brother’s ex, Maria, came up. Apparently, for years, Maria has been calling Junior…crying and begging him to take her back. Once, at the beginning of his relationship with Vanessa, my brother made the mistake of entertaining getting back with Maria but he confessed to Vanessa and she (surprisingly so) set my brother and his ex girl straight! ???? The interesting thing about Vanessa is she is a junior scientist and generally very laid back. To me, she’s been the most observant and smartest (as far as how to interact with our family) out of all my brother’s girlfriends. She never wears out her welcome, never gets into family mess, and stays low profile. From the outside, she may seem timid but when you see her interact with Junior…you can tell she’s a passionate firecracker. ?? I like that about her. A man can never reach greatness if he has a weak woman next to him. ?? Vanessa and my brother were friends first (while dating others) before they got together. So Vanessa is aware that Maria was considered Junior’s great love. I beg to differ but who am I to have an opinion when my love life is like one big toilet flush after the other! ? But I digress… Knowing that Junior and Maria had a deep history filled with a painful bond, Vanessa stepped on the scene to win Junior’s heart and it appears she did that…with an iron fist…after that one slip up. ?? As the evening went on, we filled my rather large living room with laughter. One thing I found amusing that the happy couple did not…was my brother’s need to still pick up Maria’s crying phone calls. According to Vanessa, Maria has been calling for years saying she’s going to kill herself in hopes of pulling on my brother’s heartstrings with every phone call. This pisses Vanessa off to no end. She kept asking “why the fuck do you still pick up your ex’s phone calls?” Not to mention at least two of them sorry bitches still call him asking for another chance! ? Vanessa let my brother know that when they get engaged, she’s shutting down the Maria hotline…like a wife to be should! ?? R.E.S.P.E.C.T. ?????? I could not stop laughing at my brother’s love life! Lol. In Junior’s defense, Maria has had a very traumatic life after she left him. She is in the throes of a domestic violence relationship that is slowly killing her everyday coupled with some serious health issues. ? So Maria’s situation is serious and my brother does not want her to hurt herself. That’s one of the main reasons why he still takes her calls. However, Vanessa’s point is that Maria needs professional help and Junior (Vanessa’s man) ain’t that help. ✌?Not to mention Vanessa is wondering if these threats are in fact real because every time Junior calls Maria’s family alerting them of the situation…Maria calls my brother back cussing him out! ? So in Vanessa’s mind…Maria is just looking for attention! ?Now let me be clear about something….SUICIDE IS NO JOKE and neither are suicide attempts! With that being said…that Maria has always been a scammer! She knows she’s his Achilles heel (or use to be) so I do not put anything past her. But I digress… Why are some of us still taking exes’ phone calls? The Ex Factor is really the only ex situationship that I currently keep in touch with. And once I meet BOAZ…that will be a done deal! ?? I’m ready for that everlasting love and the Ex Factor ain’t it! The only reason why we still keep in touch (I can only speak on my end) is because for some reason breaking away from the Ex Factor (much like breaking away from poison) in a dramatic fashion makes the break up impossible. For me, speaking to him everyday and not seeing him is a win win situation. I get to ween myself off the crack (that is the Ex Factor) while giving myself a new reason everyday of why I’m thankful it’s over! ?? It may sound dangerous but it works for me. And if someone great came along…the Ex Factor is easily history because I am the one that has set the boundaries. I could care less if I ever saw him again. I’m at that falling out of love stage and since he claims he’s never been in love…we are soon to be equal! ?? As far as the other exes, Julio and Elijah, I have them blocked! Not because they matter…they sure the fuck don’t…but because they are very negative people that cannot be a true friend to me. They doom all my relationships…especially Julio! ? Speaking of Julio, that fool has been blocked since January 2016 after he damned me and Elijah to all hell in a phone call. To add injury to insult….that fool called me from a Texas number last Friday night and when I didn’t pick up (I do not pick up numbers I do not recognize) he had the audacity to leave me a text message that said “How rude, Kingston! You blocked me! Ok I got you.” Um…no you fucking don’t Julio! If you truly got me you would get the message! I blocked your Jersey number so now you calling from a Texas one?! Hop the fuck up off my phone number and bitch be gone! ✌?When dudes shitting on women and running off with the next bitch…they expect love to wait on them! Well no the fuck it didn’t! I moved on! And even though I did not find the love of my life…I still found peace not being in love with you, hurt by you, dumped by you, and true serenity not being disrespected by you! ?? You think you can cuss a woman out in order for her to want you back?! I haven’t been attracted to you since 2007! If you were the last penis on earth…I would never touch you! I’m good! Now leave my fucking number alone! But I digress…. Woosa! Woosa! These fools got it twisted! And trust and believe I cannot wait for me to be 100% there with the Ex Factor! ?? I’m 98% there though that fool has more lives than any cat! ?? smdh. I’m all about awaiting BOAZ so soon the block list will get longer! ✌?Moral of the story…y’all stop picking up your exes’ phone calls before I send Vanessa to your house! Lol. And she ain’t no punk! You better act right and stick to loving those who appreciate and love you! ?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Julio, go fuck yourself! That’s been 20 years coming! Jerk! ✌?