He questioned whether he had ever been in love (with anyone) and the light in my eyes slowly dimmed. To him, love is a feeling that he felt he would recognize. And suddenly a tear fell from my eyes. Just one tear. I would not weep the way I had…over these last 7 years. I would not weep. I shall not weep. He, along with our memories, deserved just one last tear. It was a tear of relief. My whole life would not be swept up in a sea of selfishness and my heart was finally free to await BOAZ. ?? For the last two years, that one tear had been building up. I held it in until I no longer could. Of course, the big surprise that I had not planned for was…that there was in fact no love there. I just thought (because it’s what I had been told) that we loved but timing was off. To hear there was no love there was devastating. But this fool was only going to get one last tear! When I discussed it all with my brother, Junior, he quietly asked me, “Who knows a great love until they lose it?” From where Junior was standing…great loves were often overlooked until we each find ourselves in a sea of despair and pain…disconnected from the one person who stood by us and loved us…even when we did not deserve it. Yes great loves (when unappreciated) may take a one-way flight…leaving us alone with our feelings of regret. To Junior, most of us humans would get it wrong a thousand times before we got it right…that is the ability to give and receive true unconditional love. Deep down inside…many of us think we are not worthy of it. That’s the secret that no one wants to expose! And so our great loves fly away…leaving us void of all the joys we took for granted. ?? Keeping Junior’s words in mind…I too remembered something that I have heard from the marrieds who had spent 30 years or more in sharing their lives with their great love. When asked how they managed to make it to 30 plus years of marriage…I constantly heard different variations of “LOVE IS A CHOICE!” I did not understand it then but now I am beginning to comprehend the concept. You see…when two loves first meet…they get wrapped up in a feeling of ecstasy. This is LUST. No long term relationship can survive on lust….no matter what we think. Long after the feeling leaves us (an intoxicated lust that is) we have to make the choice to stay in that moment with our love. In the ugly moments that we cannot even bare to look at them…we make the choice to keep loving them. LOVE IS A CHOICE! If we are always expecting it to be this strong romantic and intoxicating burst of emotions…no one love will ever satisfy lust’s appetite. Leaving lust starving….never able to amount to a lifetime of happiness with a great love. Like the sand in the desert when a big wind storm comes through…we will be swept away…always searching for what is not attainable. In this quest, we are in fact chasing lust…not love. Lust is forever changing yet never evolving into something deep and meaningful. Lust cannot be trusted…for it changes wind patterns in a blink of an eye. Lust cannot guide us through the wind storms because it is a figment of our passionate imaginations. It will always look good on someone else. Can you taste that? It is a deceitful passion that will never fill your soul up! Lust will always change faces…taking us further away from the stability and unconditional dedication of true everlasting LOVE. So if you are waiting for that feeling…or experiencing it and hoping it never goes away…you will find yourself on a lonely journey. Only LOVE has the ability to evolve into a lifetime of action filled “I Love You’s.” Love shall not abandon you in your darkest hours while lust is on to the next best thing. Lust is an imitation of LOVE. Wait..let me go one step further. LUST IS AN IMPOSTER OF LOVE and only those aware of the power of a great love will recognize it. ?? This point brings me to the unspoken words I should have said to the Ex Factor. That feeling he seeks again…left me years ago…yet I’m still here. There are times I can’t stand the sight of him yet I stayed. Through all the weeping and disappointments…I still chose him. And in those moments he failed me…I chose to focus on the times he was there for me. I made the choice to love. So far…he is the only person I ever made that choice to love no matter what. Through our ups and downs, I instinctively made that choice. I never even knew I had it in me…to keep going even though the road was dark and filled with obstacles. I made the choice…when it was not easy to. That..is…love. And I will take that with me in hopes that it will be the thing that BOAZ appreciates about me the most…my ability to choose him…above all else. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. ?
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