It was the thing I could never bring myself to actually say. The thing that haunted me day and night. The feeling that I could not escape. It was suffocating at times. Wanting to be desired and loved by him and only him openly and honestly. I wanted to scream….I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME…but for some reason stating that I had a need was difficult for me. Saying that Superwoman had needs is acknowledging that she is HUMAN and she needs what other humans need. She needs to know that the man she loves…loves her. She needed to know he will secure her and their future. Superwoman needed to know that he could turn into HER Superman in moments when she’s weak. She needed to know that he would always be there for her and that she was a priority in his life. Even if he verbally expressed these things…SHE NEEDED TO FEEL IT. The Ex Factor is the only man that has ever made me feel undesirable and I’m NOT talking sexually…which I think was a point of contention for us. Because he is highly attracted to me and loves our sex life…he thinks that that shows he desires me. Meanwhile…I wanted him to show me that my heart was desired. Any random man on the street can say he sexually desires me. That shit don’t mean nothing. To be a sex object that is. When you love a man…you want so much more from him. I am signaling to him that I just want him and only him. No other man desiring me will do…on any level. Yet all he did was focus on HIS short comings which left ME feeling insecure. He made me feel like I was just too much of a woman for him. Let me be clear…I did not fall in love with his potential….I fell in love with the potential of what we could be if we built together. In the beginning, I felt so desired. I had never been on such a high from a man providing things my soul needed. What little the Ex Factor had…he was willing to share with me. That vision of whatever we have we will share with each other kept me going. For most of the first two years of dating, no matter the hardships I faced in my life…I knew that he was with me. There was a time he was my Superman. Please do not let him tell you differently. There was a time he was my prince in the making of a king. My heart was his. I had unexpectedly given away my heart to one of the most unlikely men. But I have to accept that we have both changed and my Superman is not coming back. That is the hardest thing…letting go of what was and accepting what will never be. I loved though….as hard as I could and I prayed….as much as I could. Yet the results were the same….I felt suffocated by my own loneliness…even with the Ex Factor laying right next to me. I needed to be LOVED and I just did not FEEL loved. At least, I can finally say it now. ~KJM doing some reflection on Temptation Tuesday. ?
Archives for October 2018
Hearts racing. Minds focused. Hormones in the air. We are finally at the negotiation table…unexpectedly of course. In every area of life, I know where my power lies…except for my personal life with the Ex Factor. My love for him was so great that common sense seemed to escape me in the years I have known him. I never realized that I did have a lot of power in my romantic life until recently. ??♀️ The Ex Factor was the only guy that I have dated (long term) that I have had to close the pussy shop on (several times in these last couple of years). So here we are negotiating when he had never been willing to before. It actually caught me by surprise because it is so unlike him. He is stuck in his ways. Back to the art of negotiation. Through education and life experiences, I have learned quite a lot about the art of negotiation. When two parties are at a table for long periods of times trying to hash out terms to an agreement…it is understood that they both can value from the relationship. One or both sides may even say what their direct interest is. However, know that there are almost always hidden agendas on both sides. It is very rare for both sides to come to the table clear on all of their intentions. And if an agreement is finally reached…be ware of boilerplate language (small but usually long passages that have the true agendas in them). Many people overlook the boilerplate because it looks like junk at first but as a wise person once said “the devil is in the details.” This can be said in love and in business. Back to the table. I indicated that I need a romantic pause and the Ex Factor in turn was ready to negotiate to prevent the pause. I had something he wanted (right now) though I am unsure of what that is. I, on the other hand, came with my worth in hand. Not purposely. Typically I hid my power from him but now he was speaking my language. An area I excel in. NEGOTIATIONS. ?? He gave me his terms and I carefully read them (with my mind only for my heart was already in pause mode from when I made my original request). Now if you are negotiating for a long time with another party and just as you are ready to withdraw…they come up with terms to keep you at the negotiating table….one of two possible things may be happening: (1) The other party already knows your worth to them and has always been willing to meet your demands but wanted it to play out in the general negotiation in case they could gain some favorable terms for themselves without giving away everything to you or (2) IT IS A TRAP and the boilerplate language shows their true intentions. It’s the same fucking terms you have repeatedly rejected dressed up as something else. So you see the devil is in the details. That’s where you will find the true analysis of what your opponent thinks you are worth. Of course, the Ex Factor’s terms were the same ones I had continuously been rejecting outright for the last two years! ??♀️ I get why he thinks I would accept them. Unbeknownst to me, I had been accepting these lame ass terms since 2010…dressed up in boilerplate language that would later break my heart. It was easy for him to get all his needs met because I had been foolishly negotiating with my heart and not my mind. ??♀️ But this time, he named his terms (or his “last compromise”…as he called it…not sure when his first compromise ever occurred.???♀️) in the form of a negotiation! Enter brain, education, and experience.?? This made it so easy for me to reject his terms. They were the exact same for the last couple years…with hidden agendas. Nothing in it for me. Not one thing in there for me. And that was clear so I walked away (rather easily) because he was finally speaking a language I understood. When the other side does this…they either do not value you at all or you are worth so much to them that they want you to under value yourself so they can benefit from it. I am not sure which position he has taken and I wasn’t going to stay around to find out. So we are like on our 100th romantic pause. We typically bounce back but just like with Julio…no one ever thought I would leave him. It’s been 9 years now that I lost all my feelings (and attraction) for Julio except as like a distant friend that I grew up with. Ouch. I no longer see Julio as a romantic interest and that day just may come for the Ex Factor. Love can only do so much without ever being watered nor given sunlight. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. All is fair in love and war. ?
I am having one of those off weeks where I have diarrhea of the mouth. The things I say are so true…that is…my truth as I know it but still not everything should be said. Of course, I have made an art of saying things that should never be spoken. ??♀️ According to my mother, I started to perfect this art at the age of one and a half…as soon as I learned to talk. ??♀️??♀️??♀️?? Yesterday was a particularly gruesome version of having severe diarrhea of the mouth. I managed to accidentally insult a coworker, annoy my mother, and of course, cuss the Ex Factor the fuck out. ???♀️? It was all accidentally…I swear. With the Ex Factor and I, one minute we were laughing at something I sent him and the next we were arguing. Everyone that knows me know that arguing with me is a fight they are going to lose. I am the champ of ‘fuck off where you stand’ mixed with ‘and another thing…fuck you again!’ ??♀️ Oh my parents would be so proud?! NOT!!! ? My mother is always telling me that there are certain things you should never say to a man…even if it’s true. If there are ten things you should never ever say to a man…I have said them all plus come up with another ten ball busting sentences that should never be repeated. ?? Wait…I ain’t never said the baby ain’t yours…it’s your best friends or the mailman’s. ??? Yasss…the one ball buster I have never said! ????♀️ Shit and I better not because my parents would kill my ass for that one! ??? Now where was I…oh yea…crushing balls with my six inch heels. ??♀️ You may think I am this way because I am an alpha female but that’s only part of it. Like Auntie Iyanla would say…every thing goes back to our childhood pathology. I grew up with my mother, especially her younger version, swallowing every messed up thing my father ever did to her. She would cry and cry and not speak up for herself. As she got older and realized that she’s raising young girls who are looking at her like ‘what the fuck mom’ she started growing a strong vagina. Mama Michaels fought for her independence and held her own…this I am so proud of. Better late than never. ? She went from being a battered woman (something I hate speaking about because it’s so hurtful) to being a woman of strength who could raise an alpha female like myself. ?? Seeing the earlier version of her…did something to me though. I have had this talk with my father several times. I am not married and do not have children because of what I witnessed in my home. If it is just me…I can travel lite…never staying anywhere long enough for any man to knock out my teeth. Yes…this is a sad reality…for most of the women in my family. I aimed to be the first to live differently. To live for myself. I aimed to be a FREE woman even in love. ?? What I have come to find out is…this is no easy task. Even brave me has succumb to doing my best not to hurt the male ego while eating my own feelings…silently. I think no matter how strong we woman are…environment can still affect us. We still live in a patriarchal society. We are still reduced to our virtuous sexuality and reproductive systems. Meaning…no matter what we accomplish…society still ranks us on looks, how loyal we are to our broken men, and our ability to reproduce. ? Patriarchy is so toxic that it still seeps in…no matter how hard we try to fight against it. And so we women eat our feelings…silently…for the male ego. And what does that do for us? Either we get severely depressed or we become raving lunatics who explode for the slightest reasons! ???♀️??♀️ Fuck, fuck, fuck! ? No matter what you decide when conflicts arise in your relationships….just remember we can only work on ourselves. We can only hold ourselves accountable. Some how we have to find a balance between feeling unheard and being labeled crazy for expressing our feelings. I am not sure what the balance is but I’m still aiming to work on me. To the Ex Factor…I say…I am really sorry for my part of our argument. ~KJM is holding herself accountable on Hump Day. This does not mean he was right nor diminish the things he said. All it does is show my need for growth as a woman.
She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. ??♀️?? Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. ??♀️??♀️??♀️? Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. ??♀️???♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. ????
One day it was with me EVERY day and the next it was gone. ??♀️ POOF! ??? And my orgasms were blowing in the wind. ??♀️ Like where did my orgasms go? With exception of Crazy from college (sometimes we got to be thankful for male whores), no man has given me an orgasm consistently. In the last 15 years, I have seen my orgasm no more than three times during sex. ??♀️??♀️??♀️ NOTE: before the Ex Factor and I had sex…I use to climax just by him slightly brushing my arm or looking at me in a very desirable way. That was when he was a caring person. ? But my vagina digresses. Lol. Back to the issue at hand. I am not even worried about what a man can or can’t do in bed…at least not right now. Lol. What scared the hell out of me is I had not been having orgasms by myself either in like the last 8 years. ? After I graduated from grad school and moved back home…I got rid of all my tastefully done porn videos ? and GOLD MEMBER…my most famous vibrator that resembled a large gold bullet. ? Around that time I started dating the Ex Factor and fell so deeply in love that his touch was enough. That was so long ago. Now his touches are pretty routine and so are my responses to them. ? Still where had my orgasms gone? One day I was ranting to a friend about the Ex Factor and life and she flat out suggested that I chill the fuck out with an orgasm. ??♀️????♀️ My friend asked me when was the last time I had invested in a vibrator. That is when it dawned on me that it has been almost a decade since I took responsibility for my OWN sexual pleasure! ?? Me…not stupid enough to ignore my friend’s advice…started scrolling the internet for the perfect toy. If I was still living in the DC metro…sex shops would be everywhere and I could make my selection in person. DC is just the home of some serious freaks! No wonder the federal government is there! ???♀️ But I digress again. Instead of purchasing a toy from adult sites like Adam and Eve…I quickly found out that AMAZON sold sex toys! ? Yasss?? Now I can read reviews, choose the best sex toys, and have them discreetly delivered! ?? My building front desk will think I bought household goods from AMAZON when it’s like a big plastic vibrating penis! ???????? Shout out Amazon! Y’all doing big things for sure…and it shows! ? After researching for hours (so serious here) I chose two items for my vagina: the mini Shibari (recommended by Harmony) and the Kangaroo Rabbit. The Shibari is for clit stimulation and the Kangaroo Rabbit does BOTH clit and internal vaginal stimulation. My favorite by far is the SHIBARI! ?? It serves a dual purpose….back/neck massager and a clit massager! ? The reviews were so right…this thing got me climaxing in a minute or less! ?? And just like that I’m moving, I am shaking, and I am fucking myself with very little effort! ?? Speaking of effort….you gonna have to spend all day with the Kangaroo Rabbit to achieve what the Shibari can do in seconds. I have only used the Kangaroo Rabbit once…that’s how much fucking work it is! After an 11-13 hour work day plus my commute I have no energy to work that hard for an orgasm. I mean…I could just have sex with a man if I want it to be that difficult! ??♀️ Plus I truly believe that internal stimulation is meant for a real penis….that can do the job that is. The Ex Factor is bigger than the Kangaroo Rabbit but with my help…the Kangaroo puts in more work. ??♀️ Anyways…what was my point? Oh yes! My orgasms are back and here to stay! ?? Like anything else in life…they went away when I stopped investing in myself and left it all up to a man (not just referring to the Ex Factor here…he’s still in my top three sexual partners…some of y’all ain’t even get an honorable mention). ??♀️ ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Ladies…do not leave a man in charge of your body and your sexual experiences. They will always get theirs…so we better ensure that we get ours! ?? Go forth with the Shibari and be free to climax as the wind blows! ?