You will find me in pieces…broken pieces. So much has happened on the road to BOAZ. There were times I doubted your existence and started to doubt true love. In my wait for you, I made so many mistakes. It all began to take a toll on me. My heart felt like you had abandoned me even though I had never met you. What is keeping you? Is there something I said or did that made me deserve such a long wait? 20 years of dating! 20 years of heartbreak and disappointments! I almost gave up on you…then Ruth spoke to me! Everyday for a couple of weeks…I read the Book Of Ruth! I believe in some ways…her story began my preparation for you! How can I be more loyal? How can I be more faithful? How can I put my trust in God every step of the way? Ruth spoke to me again and that’s when I realized that you are closer than I think. Before bumping into Ruth, I carried this huge weight on my shoulders…believing I had forsakened God and that’s why He made me wait so long. There were times I felt unworthy…not loved…and not wanted. The days were filled with sadness while the nights were filled with loneliness. What had I done to deserve this? To be treated so harshly by so many? The tears would not stop flowing. As each tear fell, I began to lose my way. 20 years and you had not found me? No one warned me that it could be such a long wait, BOAZ! But the Book Of Ruth taught me how to yearn for you during my wait. I wonder what you look like? Are you kind? Are you patient? I’m so impatient that I’m praying you will forgive me right off the bat for being upset at your delayed arrival! I long to touch your face! I long to put my head on your shoulder and finally feel like I am at home. I long for you to vow to protect me and honor me for the rest of our lives! I long for it all. And on the eve of the beginning of a new year (2017), I want you to know that even with all the heartbreaks…I still believe in love… I still believe in you! And so I learn to patiently wait and to be loyal like Ruth…never taking for granted each day that God has given me to prepare for you. My prayer is that you are also preparing for me too! ?????? I await you and only you BOAZ! May our love be something worth waiting for! ~KJM on the very last Serenity Saturday of the year aka New Year’s Eve! Wishing all my readers and listeners a blessed, happy, successful, and loved filled 2017! ❤❤❤
Archives for December 2016
It’s the last Flashback Friday of 2016 and what better day to go back down memory lane of all the events of this year…and share all the wonderful and sometimes gut wrenching lessons I’ve learned about myself in 2016. Here are the Top 10 Surprising Things I Learned About Myself And My Life:
10. I CAN CUT ANYBODY OFF! Ever since 2009, I take a moment before the current year ends…to reevaluate my life and that includes my familyships, situationships, and friendships! Some folks saw sides of me they never thought existed! ? I’m a Gemini with a really big heart but if you cross me…you gone learn today…that I can stop my heart cold and drop you! ✌?
9. SOME COCKROACHES ARE HARD TO STEP ON! While I’m quick to cut toxic people off…some relationships (like family) aren’t always that easy to let go of. But if I got a set of LIVING DEAD grandparents (my mother’s parents) I don’t fuck with…trust that you are just as expendable! That’s my so called blood and if I run into them…I look past them like they are ghosts! ✌?
8. I AM NOT SURE WHEN I WILL BE OVER THE EX FACTOR! If there’s one thing 2016 taught me…it’s that he doesn’t even try to make me happy (in my eyes). I now understood why I’ve had to walk away so many times in the last 6.5 years! The Ex Factor gives me nothing to hold on to! Julio and I went through a similar phase for about 10 years. And the day I was finally over him…came silently. It happened 5 months before I officially started seeing the Ex Factor! I don’t think neither Julio nor I saw it coming. One day I wasn’t in love anymore and was no longer attracted to him. So our ending came unexpectedly. I didn’t make any declarations to leave him alone. My heart walked away without me even realizing it. Truth be told, it probably did that in our final break up May 2007 but I didn’t realize it until January 2010. So it may just happen that way with the Ex Factor. I can only love so much…I can only give so much! Until then bare with me…right now I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I feel rather numb. I cannot say we will or won’t know each other in 2017! My love for the Ex Factor runs way deeper and is more unconditional than it ever was with Julio. Sigh…I am a work in progress!
7. DESPITE THE BULLSHIT I HAVE PUT UP WITH…I DO HAVE GREAT SELF ESTEEM! Many times I’ve questioned whether I truly love myself especially when I’m crying at night about something the Ex Factor said or did. In my mind, strong women do not take shit from anyone! But I AM HUMAN! And I LOVE! And I MAKE MISTAKES just like anyone else! I’m not Jesus! I’m flawed and sometimes I need to give myself room to be flawed and be easier on forgiving myself.
6. I TAKE WAY TOO MUCH TO BED WITH ME AT NIGHT INSTEAD OF GIVING IT TO GOD! My Faith means so much to me yet sometimes I get into a bad habit of thinking I’m walking alone and only I have the answer to my sorrows! In my heart and my mind…I know my Higher Power is with me every step of the way but FEAR has tricked me into believing God isn’t enough…mainly in my love life! Grace and Hope remind me frequently that God can turn any curse into a blessing! HE can turn anything around! It’s time I just hand HIM my heart and let HIM deal with the Ex Factor!??
5. PATIENCE! Um…I’m still working on learning, understanding, and gaining it! Pray for me! ?? The struggle is real….
4. MY CLAIM TO FAME IS BEING A DADDY’S GIRL! I have always been a Daddy’s girl but it wasn’t until 2016 that I realized that being loved by my father unconditionally means the world to me. When the world is kicking me in the butt…there’s still one person cheering me on! I didn’t realize how much I truly depend on that support until now! Lord I THANK YOU because I would be lost without my father!
3. I NEED TO BE MORE VULNERABLE! Vulnerability is strength! It doesn’t feel that way at the time we are being encouraged to uncover our true selves but it takes lots of hard work to open up to and trust another human being…especially with one’s heart! Until I can fully master how to be vulnerable…true love may escape me for a while. Lord, I am trying but I need you to work on my heart and my future spouse’s heart!??????
2. WE DO LOVE EACH OTHER…IT’S JUST OUR FEARS ARE GREATER THAN OUR LOVE! With each blog, I go back and forth on whether the Ex Factor loves me and I really shouldn’t. But I’m just like anyone else…sometimes my insecurities show. I can’t hide my hurt nor my disappointments but I should never doubt his love. The Ex Factor has come back for me time and time again. Whether that’s his way of being complacent or his way of fighting for me…only time will tell. Something is there though. Maybe our love languages don’t match but it doesn’t mean we don’t love. I would never have stayed this long if I didn’t think there was love there. It’s just the effort and consistency are missing so I end up feeling unloved.
1. THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE I DID NOT TAKE! In June, when the Ex Factor and I decided we wanted to work things out…he gave me some great advice that I did not take. ? The Ex Factor told me that when I think he’s doing or saying something to hurt me…I should always think the best of him because it’s never his intention to hurt me. In other words, when we love…we must assume the best of our lovers and give them a chance to show us that they love us too! If you always expect the worse…that’s what you will end up with. I know this from experience! The issue here is…I needed that advice 6.5 years ago. There’s been so much hurt, sadness, and disappointment that it was hard to get past…at least for me! So when the shit hit the fan, I would stay up at night telling myself that he did not love me and he was using me. And even when we talked things out and I realized I was wrong about some things…I never let go of the hurt and pain I created in my mind. Yikes! That’s Deep! It may be too late for us but it’s not too late for you and your loved ones! Think love! Not fear! ~KJM on the last Flashback Friday of the year!
I know I’m very late with this one as this movie premiered in September 2015 (I think) but there is a very special reason why I’m now writing this blog. Before I make you emotional…let me make you laugh! Today I finally saw the movie “The Perfect Guy!” Sanaa Lathan, Michael Ealy, and Morris Chestnut all star in it. It was actually pretty good and not as predictable as I thought it would be. If you haven’t seen this movie, please do or this blog won’t make sense. Now for laughter…Here are the top 11 Ignorant But Possibly True Dating Rules I learned from “The Perfect Guy.”
11. NEVER TRUST A GUY WITH HAZEL GREEN EYES! Now I don’t have this down to a science but I try not to date guys who can sing nor guys with hazel green eyes! I’ve found that they are just fucking hard to leave! Something about those eyes that can captivate you even if he is fucking crazy! And forget about it…if he got hazel green eyes AND he can sang!? You will be dating mister pretty crazy for a while…that is…until you can escape…I mean get him out of your system! ?
10. IF HE’S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE…HE PROBABLY IS…SECRETLY CRAZY AND DERANGED! I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve dated TWO ugly and crazy guys when I was on the rebound from Julio and the Ex Factor! Crazy can almost smell out when a good woman has been burnt by a long term relationship! And Crazy don’t wait! He will tell you…you are the one and be quick to commit! Crazy will wine and dine your ass BEFORE unleashing the crazy! So when on the rebound from a long term relationship…take some time to heal or don’t try to date seriously! Just get your feet wet…knowing the odds you bumped into a crazy lunatic is great! Fuck him if you must…pop your pill and walk with condoms…but don’t let him know shit about you..like where you live nor work!
9. WE SEEK PERFECTION AFTER BEING HURT! I’m not sure if the universe played tricks on me but my ugly crazy rebound men knew…without me telling them…the love and attention I was missing from my long term loves. They would hold me longer and whisper sweet nothings in my love starved ears…and that’s how I fell in their trap…much like Sanaa did in this movie. Somehow after a breakup we automatically seem to know all the answers to our relationship issues and seek perfection from new people as a result of only focusing on what our now ex spouse could have done better! Sometimes…missing the fact that we dropped the ball in certain areas! If we don’t work on ourselves…we will attract the same mess or WORSE…than what we walked away from! ?? I’ve heard this before…that all the answers are within us…all we have to do is seek them and do the work. There may be some truth to it. The time period after a breakup may just be the best time to do it. No one is ever perfect but someone out there is perfect for us!
8. STICK TO THE DEVIL YOU KNOW! Growing up, I have always heard this phrase but had no true understanding of it until I LIVED IT! Sanaa knew what the issues were in her relationship with Morris and walked! Soon she fully and openly embraced a new relationship with Michael in a way she never did with Morris…not knowing who the fuck Michael really was! ? Girl bye! Someone you don’t know…does not deserve all of you! Don’t be so quick to give! The evil you don’t know…you should fear! Now I know sometimes you can “know” a person for years and never really know them but if you just met last week…already a couple, had sex, and new guy is now meeting your parents and/or children…you better pump the breaks!
7. AT FIRST SIGN OF DANGER…RUN! The minute Sanaa saw Michael’s dangerous side…she ran! Got to give her that! When he exhibited violent behaviors toward others…she took note that he could easily hurt her! Sanaa did not entertain an abusive relationship! She was out as soon as she began to see Michael’s true colors! Look out for signs of abuse! A man that loves to beat up people (not in self defense) is a dangerous man.
6. NOT EVERYTHING THAT WE WALK AWAY FROM IS PERMANENTLY BROKEN! Sanaa walked away from Morris thinking all they had was broken…unfixable. Turns out…he was the love of her life. All they needed was time to step back, reassess, and start again. Sometimes we can only see things one way. Often times, if we take sometime to ourselves, regroup, and find better ways to communicate…we can start again…either with our current love or a new love in the future.
5. DARK CHOCOLATE MEN LOOK THE BEST IN SHOWER SCENES! Did y’all see the steam glisten down Morris’ body!? I just wanted to get that baby oil and rub it all over him! Yum!
4. NO ONE IS MORE INVESTED IN FIXING OUR LIVES THAN US! For some reason, I thought Morris was going to save Sanaa from Michael but NO! Turns out…the only person that could help Sanaa was Sanaa! And since she didn’t take self defense classes like JLo did in the movie “Enough”…I just didn’t see the ending coming. Anyways, Sanaa…I’m proud of you girl! You entertained a crazy but then you ended it and reclaimed your life! That’s what’s up! ?? We should all inspire to do so. There won’t always be people there to rescue us and even if they really want to help…they may not be in a position to help!
3. WHEN STAYING AT YOUR PARENTS’ HOUSE WITH YOUR NEW BOO…THOU SHALL STAY IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS AND THERE SHALL BE NO SEX! When Sanaa took Michael to meet her parents (something she never did with Morris?) her mama was not having them sleeping in the same room! Now I don’t care if you are adults! Sanaa girl….there was no ring on your finger! Play your position and stay in a separate guest bedrooms! ??
2. IF HIS MAMA DON’T WANT HIM…YOU BETTER DO YOUR RESEARCH AND MAKE SURE YOU REALLY WANT HIM! Now this one is kind of fucked up. Dating a man with abandonment issues, much like Michael’s character, is really hard scary work! There are exceptions to every rule but in my experience…when a man’s mother walked away from him…it leaves a devastating hole in his heart and life. Some men will be lucky enough to have other family members raise them with love but there are still deep wounds there that have a great chance of resurfacing in his romantic relationships! We are all broken in some ways but realize that this type of abandonment may put a huge weight on your relationship…leading to control and possibly other abusive ways.
1. I DO NOT DATE MEN NAMED MICHAEL! Almost every woman in my family has dated or married a Michael and it has lead to only destruction! Now yes Michael is a family name but um that’s another damn reason why I don’t date men named Michael! Who in the hell wants to yell out their family name in the heat of passion?! Not me!✌?~KJM dedicating today’s blog to one of my Angels…Michele Monique Johnson. “The Perfect Guy” trailer was the last post she made on Facebook in June 2015 shortly before she unexpectedly passed. I hope and pray I make her proud every day with the Kingston Expressions Empire?Happy Throwback Thursday night! 2 more days left in 2016!??????
“Lmao. I’ve been doing that for years! Ugly men now think they are cute!“? ~KJM’s beautiful friend on Temptation Tuesday! My Response: who the fuck told an ugly man he was cute?! Has the world gone mad?! I didn’t have it all down to a science…was just going to drive to ugly men lane based on a hunch…guess back to the drawing board…~KJM at a lost for words on Temptation Tuesday! So now ugly men are a lot of work too?! Damned if you do…damned if you don’t! “Pretty Ricky what they call him…?!” But like he ain’t pretty….
I hope you guys enjoyed Christmas and Boxing Day! Both holidays were actually pretty great with my family…well most of the family. There’s always one! ? Now as we approach the next holiday (New Years)…allow me to get IGNORANT! As the year is close to an end, I’ve made just one resolution! I AM ONLY DATING UGLY MEN WITH MONEY IN 2017! Before you side eye me…let me explain! With all the ups and downs I’ve had with the Ex Factor in the last 6.5 years…I finally figured out why our shit don’t work! Besides him not being ready for a serious commitment and possibly not truly loving me…he’s just TOO FUCKING PRETTY and pretty dudes take real motherfucking work! So off to the ugly men with money (because who the hell fucks with an ugly man for fun?) I go! Least I can do is get my student loans paid off! Lol. Now when I say “ugly” I mean not so attractive on the outside but a big heart on the inside. We’ve all dated beautiful ugly people (gorgeous on the outside and super ugly on the inside)…no…those are not the type of men I’m referring to! Here are the top 10 reasons why I’m leaving pretty men alone (or going to attempt to) in 2017:
10. AN UGLY MAN GENERALLY WON’T NEED TO BE REASSURED HE’S PRETTY EVERYDAY! If you have ever dated a pretty guy….you will know that his ego and pride are HUGE! Dude wakes up looking pretty and figure he don’t got to work for shit…not even pussy! ? “Pretty Ricky what they call him!” And his every move says he’s just too fucking pretty to cater to any woman! ✌? An ugly man, on the other hand, if he’s truly honest with himself…knows he’s ugly! He’s lucky to get ANY play. And truthfully that’s where his heart and his money come in! An ugly man is generally a humble man!
9. UGLY MEN PAY FOR BETTER DATES! No fucking argument about the 2 for 20 at Applebee’s here! An ugly man knows he’s missing looks so his dating game gots to be legit! Now there’s no science to this but in my experience ugly men plan the best dates! I’ve dated TWO UGLY GUYS…when I was on the rebound. They planned 5 course dinners, took me to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company, gave me flowers, bought me things…and I even got a gold ring with diamonds from one of them…I mean the gifts didn’t stop! I’m no gold digger and make good money. Even though I can do for myself..I sure did love being pampered! No fucking “Netflix and Chill” arguments here! An ugly dude with money knows he got to put out…financially!
8. AN UGLY DUDE EATS GOOD PUSSY AND/OR TOSSES A GOOD SALAD! Once again there’s no science to this but I would bet money on it every time. Both my ugly rebound men were good pussy eaters and that ain’t even my thang! ? While Pretty Ricky hesitating to go down on you…an ugly dude will full service his chick (as long as she smell right and is pretty) from clit to asshole! Now y’all know I would never order a tossed salad but OH MY when it’s done right…a woman can feel like she bout to fall in love…even if it’s with Shabba’s cousin! ✌?
7. PRETTY DUDES ALMOST ALWAYS CHEAT! Yea I know that’s a big generalization but in my experience it’s true! Now we got ugly men with money in my family who cheat just as much but it’s their money that gave them access to pussy! When your man is pretty…bitches will fuck him broke, rich, or even while he is living off of another bitch! Lawd a mercy! Pretty is just too much trouble! ✌?
6. PRETTY DUDES ARE SLOW TO COMMIT! Well as my hair and eggs are slowly turning gray…still no real commitment from the Ex Factor!? Pretty dudes…especially the educated ones…hold out longer to commit. Yea yea yea I know I’m talking out my ass here but go with it! It’s the last Temptation Tuesday of the year! Let’s be IG-NANT!
5. UGLY DUDES DO MOST OF THE WORK IN BED! I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted from fucking a pretty guy (the Ex Factor) all year. It’s so much work! ? Ride him, talk nasty to him, and try new tricks because Pretty Dudes are always into more adventure! I can just fart in my ugly men’s faces and they climax (though I only slept with one ugly guy). Sometimes I just want to silently get my salad tossed! But noooo…pretty dudes have to be fully engaged in bed! You practically have to tell their dicks a bed time story just to get any sleep! Pretty dudes always poking! It’s my experience that an ugly guy will allow the relationship to develop at your pace because he knows he’s lucky to have you! He’s hoping you will fall in love with his ugly ass! But a pretty guy…forget it! He always has options!✌?
4. UGLY GUYS TELL YOU THEY LOVE YOU FASTER! It took the Ex Factor almost SIX years to use some form of the “L” word! Now I don’t remember it taking that long with any of my other men…but especially not one of my ugly dudes! Love is always on their mind…even if it’s a con because they know you are out of their league! Ugly fight to keep ya from any angle!
3. UGLY MEN COMMUNICATE BETTER! Once again…I don’t have it down to a science but my ugly men communicated way better than my pretty ones! An ugly dude always gone ask you what you thinking…what you feeling because he wants you to like him!!! Pretty Ricky don’t give a damn about your feelings! He’s loved by many women! And they cater to him so he don’t ever have to cater to them! “Pretty Ricky what they call him!” And he don’t even have to answer! All he got to do is smile and panties cum off!
2. UGLY MEN TEND TO HAVE TINY PENISES AND A LOW SEX DRIVE! Hence all the eating and tossing they do! Lol. Now I know there’s some big dick ugly men out there but I haven’t run into them! Matter of fact I’ve never even SEEN any of my ugly dudes’ dicks! Yea I slept with one but I never looked his penis in the face! I mean if his face is hit…why the fuck would I want to see any other part of him?! Every time I felt their penises…it was TINY and weird feeling. Like half circumcised and half not!? Like what the fuck is that about! Just eat me out and then toss my salad and then leave me the fuck alone! No way I’m staring an ugly guy’s dick in its face! The times I’ve gone this route (slept with an ugly guy…yuck) I was already selling my soul to the devil! No need to make it worse by taking a good scary look at his sad looking dick! ✌? My Pretty Rickys, on the other hand, are usually skinny, tall, with gigantic penises! Hence all the work I got to do in the bedroom! My vagina retirement plan is definitely with some small dick ugly guy! Too exhausted from Pretty Ricky!✌?
1. IT IS REALLY HARD TO LEAVE A PRETTY DUDE FOREVER! Yo I’m 6.5 years in with the Ex Factor! That should tell your ass something! I love him, he’s pretty, he’s educated, and he’s talented with no children! Those traits are hard to find! But if you add slow to commit and always keeping his options open…I’m now getting in my car and headed to ugly guy lane to find a suitable mate! ???Pretty Ricky know he’s pretty and that’s the whole fucking problem! I’m a BOSS CHICK but there will always be somebody younger, prettier, and smaller than me. As far a hard working woman with a big heart and the type of woman who can help a man build an empire…the Ex Factor will have a hard time replacing me in those ways. I don’t think there’s another woman who could love him more! But Pretty Ricky will always be slow to realize that! Now before I go I did want to make THREE UGLY MEN WITH MONEY DATING CAVEATS:
3. The two ugly guys I dated when I was on the rebound from Julio and the Ex Factor…seemed like they were beautiful on the inside but turned out to be ugly inside and out! I’m lucky to have escaped with my life from both men! ?? And I’m definitely not trying to be dramatic here! I went through some shit with them. People can pretend to be things they aren’t! Ugly, pretty, or in between…a mate’s heart, their intentions for you, and how they treat you publicly and privately are what matters most! All jokes aside…I don’t want to be with any man that isn’t caring nor considerate!
2. There are a HUGE range of men in between ugly and pretty! Great men are exist in the middle and your future children’s genetics won’t be damned to all hell if you stay in this range! ?This blog focuses on the two extremes for effect! There are lots of cute sweet guys that aren’t considered ugly nor pretty! That might be a good category for many of us.
1. Despite my ignorance, please do not focus too much on looks nor money! I am just at a frustrating part of my life when I want to be done with games with the man I love and it don’t look like that’s happening any time soon. So off to ugly men lane I head…with my sense of humor and probably half my sanity! ? ~KJM counting down to 2017 on Temptation Tuesday! I hope 2017 is filled with love and prosperity for all of us!?
I haven’t been a child since I was 4 years old. That’s deep…so many years and tears between 5 and 35. What I want to tell my 5 year old self is that she will always mourn the life she never had…sometimes because she mistakenly believed the grass was greener on the other side but mostly because the weight of her current life would sometimes be difficult to carry. And that’s okay! It’s okay…for who I am today is the woman made up of trials and tribulations. Every tear I shed was a tear of strength for I always got up after. I ALWAYS GOT UP! My 5 year old adult self began my journey of strength…~KJM on Serenity Saturday aka Christmas Eve??
I know that today’s blog will absolutely devastate my mother but I cannot worry more about her feelings rather than my own truth! If you have been reading my blogs carefully and reading in between the lines…one of the very few things I do not spell out is family pain. It’s embarrassing and gives so many people room to judge me. With that being said, I ask you to read this with an open heart and not deny me my experiences. For over 30 years, I have been carrying…what I feel is a generational curse with me. My mother and I have never had a good relationship. It’s a generational thing because almost NONE of the women on BOTH sides of my family had/have a good relationship with their moms. We all come from a long line of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse from our mothers (and for many…from our fathers too…though I and I alone got lucky with having Papa Michaels as my father. I’m sure my sister, Brenda, feels differently and has her own truth). When I think of unconditional love, support, and reassurance…I think of my father! I grew up feeling like my mother hated me (as she generally would address me as a bitch or hoe). She never took any real interest in being there for me except to send me to good schools. Hence why I buried my head in education! It was my only outlet. My mother was forced to raise her brothers and sisters in poverty in Jamaica while (according to my family) my grandmother was in the US and my grandfather, still in Jamaica, would leave the house everyday not caring if all 6 kids had food to eat… My mother was forced to forfeit her childhood so that her and her siblings could escape poverty, abuse, and sexual assault. Though…they really didn’t escape much. Each, in my opinion, still show those wounds and scars and then passed it down to my generation. I was given the same fate as my mother. Forfeited my childhood to help raise my siblings. Now when I say RAISE… I’m not talking about babysitting. They were my responsibility even if my mother was home! My mother, much like hers and so on, had no interest in mothering. Her mother is the spawn of the devil (I consider my grandmother to be dead even though I guess she’s technically living). Abusive in every way…my mother’s mother controlled her life until she was in her mid 40s! You see that’s how abuse works….there’s always some deep hold your abuser has over you. And if I wasn’t a different type of person…my mother would do the same to me! The last time I was really a child was when I was 4 years old! I’ve been cleaning up my mother’s messes, raising her children, and in some ways raising her ass since I was 5 years old! I have a lot of sadness and anger about that but if you ask my mom (I’m sure my grandmother would say the same about her own parenting)…she’s a great mom! She tells herself this everyday which to me is kind of comical. If you are naturally something…no need to tell the world! Now I will say she’s a great nurse and she’s been wonderful with all my cousins that she adopted and all the other children that she’s come across! She’s just fucking terrible with her own! To some degree…all of us kids would agree…though my brother and sister are closer to my mother than my father. I think that’s how generational curses work…each generation tries just a little harder than the one before…only to pat themselves on the shoulder for a job well done…and only doomed to repeat the same mistakes or worse! Now I’m just giving you a synopsis of my situation so that I can give you today’s Serenity Saturday message! So much more I could say…I could write a book…but I simply don’t have that kind of time today! What I’ve been waiting to say since I started this blog was that at FIVE years old I told the nuns at my Catholic school that I never wanted to get married and have kids!!! It’s 30 years later and I’ve kept that promise. It wasn’t until yesterday when I unexpectedly broke down at my hair salon did I realize that part of the reason why I avoid serious relationships and pop my birth control pills even through years of celibacy is because I feel it’s the only way I can protect myself from the generational curse! While Auntie Kingston loves the children…I’ve never had a desire to give birth. This has not changed. I know that children take a lot of work and that most of the world had them because of what they thought children were going to bring to their lives…not realizing that children TAKE…that’s their job! No to give! They never asked to be born! So when I hear about people popping out children like they are buying ornaments for a Christmas tree…I fucking cringe! In my opinion, no woman on both sides of my family…except my Great Grandmother Alice on my father’s side…should have ever become a mom. Mothering wasn’t there thing and most didn’t even fucking try! The amount of abuse the children in my family have gone through is horrific! Now I know some of you without parents or with just one parent are side eyeing me. But hear me out! My mother is famous for always repeating to us kids that “half a mother is better than none!” While I’m not sure if that’s true or not…who the fuck signs on for the job of mommy…expecting to do only half the fucking work?! That’s because in her eyes…half is better than what she got. I beg to differ! Do not step into the ring of parenting if you aren’t willing to do the work! Do not let your children suffer because you are a selfish ass human being! So if you were wondering why I stayed with the Julio’s and the Ex Factor’s of the world…it’s because they were always dead ends!!! I could escape the generational curse and stay by myself with no children by dating boys that are incapable of the kind of true and everlasting love a wise woman would need to even think about marrying and reproducing! So I carry this fear with me…that if I ever reproduced…I would be like most of the horrible mothers in my family!!! Deep… Someone recently asked me if I’ve ever told my mother how I feel? Mama Michaels claims to fame are she’s a great nurse and a great mother! Neither are up for interpretation…though I will admit she’s great at her job! And everyday I’m so thankful she was a career mom and not a stay at home mom! I don’t even like to be home with her now and I’m 35! I’m not sure how one frees themselves from a generational curse but I hear it starts by giving it to God and letting it go! I have so many family and friends who assure me I would be a great mom but I cannot be sure. So I pray and I stay to myself. For I don’t want a child writing something like this about me 30 years from now. It would break my heart…even if I was six feet under! Lastly, I know there’s no manual for parenting and mistakes will always be made! But to all my parents out there…never underestimate what an honest and open conversation with your children, a sincere apology, and the willingness to move forward in a positive manner can do for your children’s soul. Denying you hurt them and denying their experiences as they see it…will only continue the generational curse… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I know that was a lot. As we all brace yet another holiday with our families…please keep in mind past hurts and be careful not to continue them. Happy Christmas Eve!
Well it’s the first day of Winter and I’m already in the midst of my Winter funk! Dramatic much?! Lol. This is just NOT my season but I must still live it the best I can. As I anxiously await the ball dropping into 2017 while PISSING on my memories from 2016…I turn a page. Started refocusing on myself and not giving two fucks about love. Yes I have kind of left you all hanging with the Ex Factor story…only hinting on where we may or may not be present day. Truthfully, I’ve just left that all to my Higher Power. Too exhausted to even bother giving it an extra thought. So if you feel like I left you with a cliff hanger…picture me sitting at the edge of a cliff having a glass of wine at sunset…waiting to see how the story unfolds my damn self! ?? Now to this turning page theory. While many of you are drafting up New Resolutions…I generally shy away from them. Last year I made September (2015) my New Years when I launched this blog. A Gemini has the ability to make any day or month feel brand new! However, there is something about the last couple days of the year that seem so….FINAL! So I turn the page…burning what I can. Yea…you read that right! ? I started cleaning up my private social network page and unfriending people I’ve no real issue with except for the fact that they are connected to people I no longer want to be connected to! Why am I having some level of guilt about this? I deserve to not have any of Julio’s family on my page! I deserve to not spend 20 years in emotional debt to somebody who frankly…is always going to be an asshole! I’ve tried the friendship route with him and he fucked that up…permanently. Julio is a source of negativity and I am just ready to not know any form of him! ?? And to be honest…none of my other exes…not even the Ex Factor…has any extended friends nor family on my private page! When I’m done with a person…friend, family, or lover…I wish them well…but I could really care less how they are doing! I mourn them and then I aim to successfully move on. People, especially ex friends, hate this about me. I RARELY look back! As I continue to turn the page, I’m thinking of changing my cell phone number even though I LOVE that number. I’ve had it for over 15 years…but my block list is getting so long that I’m really starting to think it’s just time to change my number! It’s the weirdest thing…people wanting to hold on to you when you have already let go of them! While I have no hate in my heart for any one, the guilt of turning the page and leaving folks behind is heavy. I want to FREE myself from unnecessary stress and closing doors enhances that goal. Yet I can’t help but feel bad for wanting to limit people in my life. Turning the page…I heard a voice say…but it’s a NECESSITY! You cannot stay in the same place with the same people living the same moments! No matter how much we want to stay put…we have to March on…head held high…gracefully stepping into our new destiny. To be the REAL me…I must always be ready to embrace the NEW me as she sheds her skin and recreates her life from scratch…each time. I cannot stand in time for you! I cannot even stand in time for ME! The winds will blow and the forces shall push me in a direction! Isn’t it better that I choose that direction? So I turn the page and I take small steps into the unknown. Not sure if it’s the frost bite of the Winter Solstice that has this cold feeling coming over me…it’s BOLD and it’s FREEING! It’s not the harshness I anticipated! It’s the birth of my new skin and no it didn’t come without hardship…~KJM on Hump Day saying do not be afraid to free yourselves from anything or anyone that does not promote your growth!
As the sun rose, I sat there quietly with a smile on my face. Hopeful…I waited for you. It’s not that I didn’t know the wait would be long but I some how always thought it would be worth it. So I sat there…in silence…careful not to be interrupted by anyone nor anything. It took discipline to wait. Never knew I had it in me…to STILL look for someone…disappointment after disappointment…heartbreak after heartbreak. That I would have the patience to sit there looking at the sun rise…with hope in my eyes. But I did it. I waited…until it was in the late hours. Something in me began to transform. Not even the moonlight, at first, would turn me off. I told myself that our reunion and my wait for you would be so much more beautiful under the moon. I wanted to hold hands, kiss, and tell life secrets in the moonlight. There would have never been a touch more intense and deep than the one you would have felt…had you met me. Mostly, I wanted to have that feeling in my heart where I had just about given up but you showed up…to prove to me that love was always stronger than doubt and fear. No the moonlight did not bother me. It excited me…as I waited for you. And so I waited and waited. Starting to doze off…it dawned on me…like the sun had many hours before…that I could not hold on forever…for even then sun had retired for the night. Even she had left to regain her strength. But there I still was…in the late hours…tired…exhausted…yet still waiting for you. You never turned up and it was there in those late…dark hours…that I gave up. Not because I wasn’t strong enough to wait some more…but because essentially the moonlight pointed out what the sun couldn’t…I WAS WAITING ALONE! Waiting in vain…and so the new journey begins. ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying that I’ve forgotten why I love this blog so much…I love to write! This post may have come off romantic…and there are some elements of truth in it…but it also goes out to friends, lovers, and family. For the last 5 days I’ve been beyond sick and while some of my very best family and friends stepped up their game…what surprise me were the people that checked in on me consistently. There weren’t people I consider family! Those folks barely bat an eye that I was sick. ??And while I rarely need people…these last 5 days I needed you! Also even more surprising, more of my NEW friends checked in on me continuously via text and FB than the folks I’ve known almost 20 years! I was truly moved to tears when one of my new friends apologized for not being able to check in on me since Wednesday (day of my surgery) because she got into a car accident Wednesday night! Like someone thought of me when they had hit their lowest point! I’ve several friends also sick/in the hospital and as these medications made my body sick I rotated and checked in on who I could via text. Yea 2017 most of you are going to see a brand new side of me. It seems the Ex Factor wasn’t the only one praying on my kindness! Now for all my readers and listeners…what does this means for the blog and podcast? Things will get even more deeper and earth shattering! I’m gonna keep pushing the limits! And if I have to continue to do it alone…I WILL because guess what? These last couple of days I’ve felt more alone than I have since November 2009 (the last time I really need friends and family to pull me up)! Only looking out for SELF in 2017! Shout out to my bro Junior, my cousin K, Nicole, and my BFF Zack for making each day better for me! Much love to Grace, Tiffany, Toi, and anyone else who reached out during this difficult time! One Love?
It’s close to the end of the year and like most of you…I am taking stock of my life in the final days of 2016. I have heard many say that 2016 was a terrible year and it wasn’t until around August that I realized it wasn’t really a good year for me. 2016 wasn’t as bad as May 2009-April 2013 (Yikes…I cringe just thinking about those years) but I still cried a lot and got bad news after bad news…consistently trying to keep my head above water. Many things I have shared with you all…but my deepest sadness…I still carry around inside of me. To lighten up my mood…I started to focus on my love life because let’s be honest…it’s always fucking comical! In January Elijah said “Love You” and in May, the Ex Factor said “Love You too.” While they weren’t bold declarations of love…I started to rehash how many guys had said some form of “I Love You” to me. Once again…a comical rehash. To my recollection…there have been 7 guys that have told me they love me. In my opinion, none of them ever truly loved me. Those words or some sentiments of those words were spoken to me out of control or as a place holder for a girl/woman they use to know or yearn to know. That’s sad to say but it’s MY truth! Hell it may be many of our truths and some of us just don’t know it! I believe…when a woman is truly loved…she knows it, depends on it, blossoms in it, and feels secure in it. I’ve never had that…romantically! Even with my oral surgery…I never told the Ex Factor when I was having it. Didn’t trust him to be there because I knew he would gladly let me down! So I depended on the men in my family and they have been there! Waiting on me hand and foot! There’s no man I’ve cared for romantically that I could depend on for shit. My men specialize in let down city…so I don’t trust them with much. Hence always traveling by myself or with my family all the time. I’ve never known a romantic love to be strong enough to be by my side. To be honest…I don’t know many women who have either. Even my “happily” married female friends (if they actually had an honest conversation with themselves) do not put all their trust in their husbands! If one is smart…they will always remember human beings are flawed! Nothing but God is good, true, and forever! But hey that’s just me! lol. So what was my love life like in 2016? Well first off, my Penn State friend’s dog, Solomon, was my first kiss at midnight going into 2016! I have never been kissed by a dog before much less at such a special time and had only kissed one guy, my Penn State Football player college sweetheart, when the ball dropped New Years Day 2003 in Orlando, FL. What did this all mean? Would it be a loved filled year? 2016 turned out to be another year of love trials and tribulations but I never ran out of having someone to kiss! ?Elijah wasn’t the one and the Ex Factor turned out to not be the one either. But for the moments that my heart soared and I truly believed in our love (the Ex Factor and I) I will forever be grateful for the risks my heart took. He came back for me. Maybe he didn’t come back for all the right reasons nor did he fight for me…but he came back for me and for a split second…I saw his HEART! It was a glimpse worth waiting for. ? ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying I pray 2017 is filled with real romantic love! ?