It’s the last Flashback Friday of 2016 and what better day to go back down memory lane of all the events of this year…and share all the wonderful and sometimes gut wrenching lessons I’ve learned about myself in 2016. Here are the Top 10 Surprising Things I Learned About Myself And My Life:
10. I CAN CUT ANYBODY OFF! Ever since 2009, I take a moment before the current year ends…to reevaluate my life and that includes my familyships, situationships, and friendships! Some folks saw sides of me they never thought existed! ? I’m a Gemini with a really big heart but if you cross me…you gone learn today…that I can stop my heart cold and drop you! ✌?
9. SOME COCKROACHES ARE HARD TO STEP ON! While I’m quick to cut toxic people off…some relationships (like family) aren’t always that easy to let go of. But if I got a set of LIVING DEAD grandparents (my mother’s parents) I don’t fuck with…trust that you are just as expendable! That’s my so called blood and if I run into them…I look past them like they are ghosts! ✌?
8. I AM NOT SURE WHEN I WILL BE OVER THE EX FACTOR! If there’s one thing 2016 taught me…it’s that he doesn’t even try to make me happy (in my eyes). I now understood why I’ve had to walk away so many times in the last 6.5 years! The Ex Factor gives me nothing to hold on to! Julio and I went through a similar phase for about 10 years. And the day I was finally over him…came silently. It happened 5 months before I officially started seeing the Ex Factor! I don’t think neither Julio nor I saw it coming. One day I wasn’t in love anymore and was no longer attracted to him. So our ending came unexpectedly. I didn’t make any declarations to leave him alone. My heart walked away without me even realizing it. Truth be told, it probably did that in our final break up May 2007 but I didn’t realize it until January 2010. So it may just happen that way with the Ex Factor. I can only love so much…I can only give so much! Until then bare with me…right now I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I feel rather numb. I cannot say we will or won’t know each other in 2017! My love for the Ex Factor runs way deeper and is more unconditional than it ever was with Julio. Sigh…I am a work in progress!
7. DESPITE THE BULLSHIT I HAVE PUT UP WITH…I DO HAVE GREAT SELF ESTEEM! Many times I’ve questioned whether I truly love myself especially when I’m crying at night about something the Ex Factor said or did. In my mind, strong women do not take shit from anyone! But I AM HUMAN! And I LOVE! And I MAKE MISTAKES just like anyone else! I’m not Jesus! I’m flawed and sometimes I need to give myself room to be flawed and be easier on forgiving myself.
6. I TAKE WAY TOO MUCH TO BED WITH ME AT NIGHT INSTEAD OF GIVING IT TO GOD! My Faith means so much to me yet sometimes I get into a bad habit of thinking I’m walking alone and only I have the answer to my sorrows! In my heart and my mind…I know my Higher Power is with me every step of the way but FEAR has tricked me into believing God isn’t enough…mainly in my love life! Grace and Hope remind me frequently that God can turn any curse into a blessing! HE can turn anything around! It’s time I just hand HIM my heart and let HIM deal with the Ex Factor!??
5. PATIENCE! Um…I’m still working on learning, understanding, and gaining it! Pray for me! ?? The struggle is real….
4. MY CLAIM TO FAME IS BEING A DADDY’S GIRL! I have always been a Daddy’s girl but it wasn’t until 2016 that I realized that being loved by my father unconditionally means the world to me. When the world is kicking me in the butt…there’s still one person cheering me on! I didn’t realize how much I truly depend on that support until now! Lord I THANK YOU because I would be lost without my father!
3. I NEED TO BE MORE VULNERABLE! Vulnerability is strength! It doesn’t feel that way at the time we are being encouraged to uncover our true selves but it takes lots of hard work to open up to and trust another human being…especially with one’s heart! Until I can fully master how to be vulnerable…true love may escape me for a while. Lord, I am trying but I need you to work on my heart and my future spouse’s heart!??????
2. WE DO LOVE EACH OTHER…IT’S JUST OUR FEARS ARE GREATER THAN OUR LOVE! With each blog, I go back and forth on whether the Ex Factor loves me and I really shouldn’t. But I’m just like anyone else…sometimes my insecurities show. I can’t hide my hurt nor my disappointments but I should never doubt his love. The Ex Factor has come back for me time and time again. Whether that’s his way of being complacent or his way of fighting for me…only time will tell. Something is there though. Maybe our love languages don’t match but it doesn’t mean we don’t love. I would never have stayed this long if I didn’t think there was love there. It’s just the effort and consistency are missing so I end up feeling unloved.
1. THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE I DID NOT TAKE! In June, when the Ex Factor and I decided we wanted to work things out…he gave me some great advice that I did not take. ? The Ex Factor told me that when I think he’s doing or saying something to hurt me…I should always think the best of him because it’s never his intention to hurt me. In other words, when we love…we must assume the best of our lovers and give them a chance to show us that they love us too! If you always expect the worse…that’s what you will end up with. I know this from experience! The issue here is…I needed that advice 6.5 years ago. There’s been so much hurt, sadness, and disappointment that it was hard to get past…at least for me! So when the shit hit the fan, I would stay up at night telling myself that he did not love me and he was using me. And even when we talked things out and I realized I was wrong about some things…I never let go of the hurt and pain I created in my mind. Yikes! That’s Deep! It may be too late for us but it’s not too late for you and your loved ones! Think love! Not fear! ~KJM on the last Flashback Friday of the year!