This morning…out of nowhere…I looked in the mirror and started to cry. For the first time, I started to recite some words that I don’t think I have ever said out loud to myself. ? I’m pretty sure I have written them to you guys but I don’t think I have just said them to MYSELF…out loud. I could hear my voice repeating one of the cold hard truths of my life. I…was…saying…what I could no longer deny. And I cried with the intensity of a baby’s first cry. It was scary yet gave me a sense of relief. If I could not be honest with myself…then who can I be honest with? I needed to accept this truth as it had been relayed to me years ago. I had to ACCEPT it and keep reassuring myself that everything will be alright. It was okay that I only just found the courage to speak this truth. It’s okay that I had huge moments of weaknesses that kept me from being conscious of the mess I had found myself in. The crazy thing is nothing bad occurred to trigger this feeling. It was more like a simple act of another spoke volumes to me. One simple act laid out the unspeakable truth that my mind and my heart had been hiding from me. So I found the courage to recite the words over and over to myself. I found the courage to cry alone. I found the courage to take charge of my life and my happiness. I…found…the courage. Granted…it felt kind of late in life but they always say better late than never. So I cried and recited. Cried and recited. There is power in being honest with ourselves. So I stood in my power and took a deep breath. And a voice said…this is as far as the road goes. Next stop…no clue but it will have to be a place that speaks to the truth of who I am. There is power in acceptance. ~KJM is not in her normal Hump Day mood. Maybe next week… Be blessed in all you do. ?
Archives for September 2018
It is rare that I take the time to write you…men…that is…but there’s something brewing in my heart that I just have to say. MONOGAMY IS NOT EASIER FOR WOMEN! There…I said it! And before you start spouting out some biblical nonsense let me take you on a tour of where I’m coming from. When you start to gain weight, start balding, neglect us, abandon us, and disrespect us…monogamy gets even more difficult for us women. We see the hot sexy guys daily too…just like you see the sexy women. We women aren’t blind. We are attracted to more than just our lovers, husbands, and boyfriends. We yearn for hot new sex too! That’s right! Soon…if not already…many of you will start to get plagued with erectile dysfunction while our female bodies ripen and mature…yet we will stay with you and love you through it all. ??♀️ When passionate kisses become kisses of routine…many of us will stay faithful. FAITHFUL! Not because of religion. Hell not even because of some vows we said to you long before we knew the real you. We stay faithful because of our strength and our faiths in ourselves. ?????? Even us single and dating women (like myself) will stay by your sides…when you don’t have a concrete plan for us! And why? Perhaps it’s our vision of the children we never asked God for? That is MY greatest reason for sticking with the Ex Factor. I…never…asked the Lord for a child. I wanted my heart and my womb barren but God had different plans for my heart. And then it happened. For the FIRST time (with any man)…I could envision my children with his eyes and his smile. Never before had I dreamt of them. Consciously, I still want to skip motherhood but subconsciously…when I fall asleep with his love in my heart…I become open. I become awakened. I become reborn…in a way I never thought possible. And so I stay faithful even in the darkest hours because God does not fulfill His promise to the weak. ?? Wait…let me not make this a religious thing for I have no reason to. I am not a wife. And my reasonings for fighting against cheating (at this point in my life) are much deeper than my faith in God. Perhaps deeper is the wrong word. Perhaps more expansive than my faith in God is the right phrase. I am WOMAN! I am the giver of LIFE. I can destroy or build kingdoms. My expansive view of monogamy has everything to do with my faith in myself. What can I possible teach my children if I am too weak to weather the storms of fatal attractions? What type of person am I if my word is not my bond? Men retroactively think about cheating. Many of them will risk it all for today’s tuna never thinking about the salmon they are going to lose. Women…for the most part…have to be proactive in life. Whether we ever become mothers or not…we are still the givers of life and builders of empires. Our jobs are never done. We are always needed on the front lines of every battle. Women will also fight many battles secretly…. This is who we are. STRONG! BRAVE! DARING! So you see this myth of monogamy being easier for us is just plain stupid. We want the excitement of new lust too. We want to made love to for days…because our bodies are built to do that with very short breaks…if any. We want to taste his lips too. Whose lips? The men that desire us from afar and near. The men who whisper in our ears that they would never abandon us. We need the orgasms. We need to be wanted and desired. We too deserve these things…yet most of us will stick by you ungrateful men! Okay…I know some of you men don’t understand one fucking word I’m saying….so let me break it down in a way you can understand. Pussy is so flexible that I could fuck him and you and you would never know! It’s an elastic band…made to pull back and fit a dick of any size….AND then get back into its original position! ?????? That is the true power of pussy my dear! ? Now when you mix the flexibility of the pussy….with the male ego…and DING! We are now on fire now. ? With just a few “oh baby” and “your dick is so big” many of your egos wouldn’t think we are capable of cheating. ???♀️? Boy bye! We can fuck y’all in and out of circles! The female body is built that way! Y’all have to stop after an orgasm…we don’t! MULTIPLE ORGASMS! ?? Then we at it again.? Yo let me take it one step further. Some of the world’s top assassins are women! We naturally know how to fuck you men and then kill you! ? The Woman is a dangerous species. She is kind and loyal…simply because she wants to be. It is just that fucking simple! Your ass is just plain lucky that your woman is faithful because she was built as a natural weapon of mass destruction. ?? Feel me? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Bow down male hoes…no one is really checking for you. Women are just really loyal to themselves, their dignity, and to the future they have in the palm of their hands. And a smart woman ain’t staying with no habitual cheater…. And if she ever did…you better pray Karma isn’t a bitch! ??????
This is a new twisted story of the his hat in my cat. ? You are not dyslexic…you read that right. ?There are times when we women are simply not in the mood for sex. Truthfully, I have a pretty high libido so the only time I really shut my shop and close my puss for a night or a season ? is when the Ex Factor puts his foot in his mouth! ??♀️ He says something stupid and I dry up instantly! ? I tell him…pet the cat, be nice to the cat, tell the cat sweet words, be loyal to the cat (or she could stray), and never forsake the cat. ?????? These are some of my foundational rules to open the pussy shop. All of these rules are based on respecting the essence of my vagina. Ever since I was young, Mama Michaels would randomly yell (and later on when I moved out of my parents house…randomly call to say) that MY PUSSY IS PLATINUM! ?? Mom been saying that before platinum jewelry was the thing everyone desired! ? She put me on to my pussy powers way before I fully understood them. Thanks mom! ?? But I digress. Back to his hat in my cat! ?? The other night the Ex Factor and I had some bomb ass makeup sex. ?? We introduced something new into our sex life…per my request. The Ex Factor and I both know how to signal to each other when we are in the mood for something different. This time I had an idea which I sprang on him in the midst of sex and it worked out well. PUSSY WALLS OPEN! ?? Yo…for all of our mess…I am really happy that in 8 years of dating on and off…we still desire each other. We still lust after each other. ??? This is why I hate closing the shop on him. ? But I got the right to exercise my pussy powers….which according to Mama Michaels…is a birth right for smart women! ?????? I mean where would straight men be without the puss?! ??♀️ Maybe the land of their hands just fell off (masturbation land) or blue balls city?! ??♀️??♀️ No matter what…pussy literally and figuratively makes the world go round! We are the givers of life! And they better recognize! ?? Now back to these bedroom antics. Ever since I met the Ex Factor, he does two things that turn me the fuck on: when I close up shop…he pays homage to my vagina. If he got to sing to it to open it up…he does it. The Ex Factor lets it be known that there’s nothing like my pussy shop. ? And then when I finally let him in…he makes these expressions of deep pleasure. I have never seen anything like it. All my men before, especially Julio, have always told me how great my cat was (without me ever having to ask) but the faces the Ex Factor makes take the cake! ? LITERALLY! ? I’m like damn bae…it’s really that great? ? Better not fuck up then! ??? In my opinion, at the core of sex is power. When I am posted on top of the Ex Factor….he can’t move. He is under my trance and I fucking love it. Hell…I fucking need that! I need to be in control (most times) in the bedroom. My experiences have taught me that if you depend on a man to guide you through your body…your sexual experience will be diminished! I mean…who knows our bodies like we do? NO ONE! Thus, never leave them in charge of pleasing you! Men need direction at every point in life…ESPECIALLY when it comes to women! ??♀️ So be specific when directing your man in the bedroom! ?? And don’t be afraid to take charge. Guide them to that G spot…cause most men will be able to find Waldo long before they find the spot that makes us women lose our minds! ??♀️ Where the fuck is that dude Waldo anyways?! ??? Not really looking for him…but I am looking for my next orgasm! ? Now where’s the moral of this tale? Oh yes…sometimes men seem like dogs the way they lust after us. However, if you have been with your man for a really long time…and you still love each other…and you both still really desire each other…open up that cat (upon a respectful request that is AND sometimes impromptu) and let him in. ? ~KJM on Hump Day! Hump often, hump in a caring way, and hump consensually! ?
I recently read somewhere that William Shakespeare said “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This I have heard before…the theory that if you don’t expect anything from anyone…you won’t get hurt. Shakespeare went on to say that he was “always happy because he did not expect anything from anyone.” Fascinating…and of course I call bullshit.? Why should I not expect my family, my good friends, or even the man I lay with to be there for me? I am a giver by nature and while I learned many years ago to never expect others to do for you what you do for them…I at least set low expectations. ??♀️ Perhaps Shakespeare is right and this is the root of all my sadness and disappointments. ? Growing up, I would spend hours on the phone with crying friends and rarely got that favor returned when I was hurting. That was okay with me though up until 2009 when my life started to fall apart from every direction. Going through what I like to call “MY Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013)”, I learned to cry and started to realize that I need people. Only good friends and family please! ✌? And so I started to shed useless friends. Now…every year I evaluate if I’m giving more than I am receiving in my friendships. My real family list gets shorter and shorter every year also. But oh lawd….don’t get me started on my dating life! Not once in my life have I been loved by a man (romantically) the way I needed to be! And this is for my ENTIRE dating life! For example, in the 21 years that I have known Julio…he was only there for me ONCE in life and that was at the very end of my Dark Ages when I split with Mister Toss Salad! Twenty one fucking years! That mfer is so selfish and that’s why he’s still SINGLE to this day….crying about how no woman will stay with him! Bro, could it be that you are a negative, narcissistic, and selfish human being?! ?? And to be honest he was only there for me because his life was good at that moment in time and he wanted to rub in what a mess my life was! ? Typical him…SELFISH! Yet I continue to always wish him the best in life and love. ✌?Moving on…the Ex Factor was there for me the first two years we were dating (in the midst of the Dark Ages) but I truly believe he wasn’t there because I was hurting. I think he used me to disguise his own hurt from his first girlfriend sleeping with one of his best friends behind his back….after her and the Ex Factor had broken up. With me in the picture, he could prove to the world that no one could hurt him but she did. It would take me years to realize that she destroyed him and that some parts of him were never ever coming back. ??? I am not sure if she was his great love but over the last 8 years I get the feeling…he thinks so. Yikes! And 8 years…I am not sure what has kept us connected. While he is the only man I have truly been in love with…my love is not strong enough to keep Kingdoms together like my childhood BFF, Jessica, who always made unconditional love look strong and beautiful.??? I have doubts and I have insecurities. My pride rules me most times so whatever that’s kept us connected (may it be good or bad) does not have my love at the center of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. In between Julio and the Ex Factor were just a repeat of selfish men that I spent brief periods of time with…minus Jason, the football player, from college. Back to these low expectations….I carry the weight of my life solely on my shoulders. Never expecting any man to rescue me…though I have had platonic male friends that have been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I also have amazing female friends that literally held my hands through the dark ages. ?? God bless them. Last week, I took a gamble and made a business decision that is costing me. So I’ve been on my couch feeling low all week. Back on the couch! ??♀️ Harmony got me to finally leave my apartment and go to the gym yesterday. She’s over 2,000 miles away from me yet she still has the ability to get me off the couch. None of my romantic men ever paid attention to when I was failing at life. Julio would ignore my pain ALWAYS and the Ex Factor would spout some positive words that probably have no real meaning to get me to shut up. ??♀️? At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’m back on the couch and trying to figure out how the hell did Shakespeare manage to have NO expectations of the people around him? Like how? I set the bar pretty low in my romantic life (not in my family nor friend life) and still end up disappointed!!! All they have to do is remember my birthday and most of the time my men (sometimes purposely) forget every year. I would think I am the only one being disappointed by men but I have a bunch of married friends. Looks like it is the plight of GOOD women to give more and receive much less! ? Still Shakespeare…how did you truly expect nothing of others and stayed happy? Lived and wrote in a cave solo?!????♀️ I mean…I need the playbook. ? ~KJM is filled with unanswered questions on Flashback Friday. Between vacations and laying on my couch when I should be making money…writing has become difficult for me. In 2018, I feel so much that I just can’t express. This year is just kicking my ass and giving me that 2013 feeling! ? Thanks for sticking with the blog through the good and the bad. And if I had one wish…it would be to have the ability to love in such a strong way that I could keep kingdoms together. ? Jessica, you are forever my role model in the area of romantic love.