The sounds of waiting. The silence. The hurt of feeling that you are in this life…alone. The sound of trying not to give up on your own personal journey. I have heard time and time again that “Patience is a virtue!” “She is not the ability to wait but our attitude as we wait.” I’m not even sure what any of that means! But my attitude stinks when I’m forced to wait! I’m just keeping it real. I hate to wait but sometimes we have no choice in the matter. All I know is in every area of my life for the last 7 years, I’m constantly being told to be patient! Your time will come…they say. And still I wait and I wait….hoping that today will be the day…the day I feel fulfilled in every part of my life. It’s exhausting to keep thinking TODAY IS THAT DAY…only to find out…it isn’t! But somehow I find a way to hold on even if it’s by a shred of hope. There are times when my pillowcases are soaked with tears and I lift my head and ask GOD if I had forsaken HIM in some sort of way for HIM to have forgotten me or put me on a waiting list for EVERYTHING! Like what did I do to have my life move so slowly?! I’m hardworking and dedicated. HE gave me a vision and every day when I blog (believe it or not) I feel like I’m one step closer to that vision. It doesn’t matter what I’m blogging about. The GOOD LORD knew I was imperfect when HE created me. ?? I don’t have to hide my scars from HIM…HE was there when I was getting burned and hurt. That is what’s keeping me going. Not Hope. Certainly NOT Patience. My FAITH. That’s all I have. My prayer is HE wouldn’t have brought me through my version of the depths of hell to watch me suffer.?? Still I wonder about this Patience? How does she dress? What does she look like? Will she ever visit me? Will she forgive me for the times I grew tired and decided to bypass GOD’s forever plan for my current plan? And so I wait. Like I’m on the longest waiting list ever. I feel forgotten at times. Left behind. The last to graduate from the class. And the more I’m told to have Patience is the more I lose it! I’ve never wanted anyone else’s life. Never looked over and said that should have been me. All I’ve asked is that he (the Ex Factor) acknowledges I’m here and I’m trying. That he knows my love is imperfect and impatient but still I’m choosing to WAIT WITH HIM. And for him to respect that and honor it. That he doesn’t force me to walk away from something that I know is real and great. And so I wait. All I ask is that BOTH of my careers take off while my parents are here on this earth so that they never want for anything. And so I wait. All I ask is that HE (GOD) protects the family I may have in the future…even if I can’t quite see the vision on them yet. And so I wait. All I ask is that HE allows me to inspire millions! I think I can do it. And so I wait and I wait! All I ask is that HE keeps me and my loved ones in good health so that we can walk into our purpose everyday. And so I wait and I wait and I wait. I am so exhausted from waiting. Who is this Patience and why has she forsakened me? Abandoned me in my loneliest hours. Created a kind of isolation where I feel like I am the last to be blessed with anything fruitful….~KJM on Temptation Tuesday asking have you ever felt this way…if so…we shall wait together…in prayer ??
Archives for July 2016
I’m very much hungover but yet so self aware. I have a question for you and I want an honest answer. Please don’t answer with hallmark cookie cutter cliche responses that lets me know you have no clue who you are yet. Just be real with me. Will I always have to show him how to love me? Will I always have to point out when he’s being inconsiderate or when he has neglected me? Will I always have to point out how I want to be made love to? Will I always have to fight to keep my own identity as we grow? WE is just never going to sound better than ME unless all my me’s have been satisfied in a way where I am making room for we. Will I always have to wonder if he will love me forever? Will I always have to wonder if he will honor me with every step he takes? Will I always have to communicate my deepest fears and my greatest joys? Or is he suppose to already know all of these things?! I always see people posting on FB like they have the greatest love ever but I’ve learned that most people (men and women) are not being loved to their full potential. Somewhere along the line…they say…this just has to be enough. If the conversation must continue throughout our lives…then I can accept the task at hand. I will do my best to communicate what I want on this journey. It will make me uncomfortable at times but I will do it because chances are…his fears, desires, joys, and pains will change over the years too. But if we are both suppose to already know these things…we are trouble. You see our love is messy, confusing, insecure, and unreliable at times. That’s why you don’t see pictures of us just yet. I’m waiting for that magical hallmark moment where I can share that I’m being loved to my full potential. And before you rush to judgment…I asked him on a scale of 1 (being the lowest) to 10…how much does he think I love him. He said a 6 or a 7. Clearly even he doesn’t feel he’s being loved to his full potential! As I wait for your responses, I’m starting to wonder if the greatest part of love is what we give and not what receive? ~KJM
Here I am blogging on a Sunday again! I haven’t given up on Serenity Saturdays….I promise! It’s just lately my most relaxing days have been Sundays while Saturdays are filled with running errands. Soon Serenity Saturdays will be back and I will be feeling…serene again?! Today I want to talk about my relationship triggers…the things that invite me to do bad things. As the Ex Factor and I STRUGGLE to build the communication we never had these last 6 years, I feel the old Kingston creeping back up. Yikes. This week I was vacationing half way around the country and I manage to stay connected to the Ex Factor. We text and FaceTime. Now that I’m back and it’s the weekend…he struggles to remember to stay connected to me. And the worst part is I honestly think he doesn’t get it. When I hit a wall like this…I get the urge to leave him where the fuck I found him…by his damn self! I’m like Papa Michaels when he was raising us kids…he only spoke once and we hopped to it! He did not like to make a request a second time and actually never did. We listened! That’s where I get it from. I only like to explain something to the Ex Factor ONCE and if he doesn’t get it right away…my I’m leaving you for the zillionth time fever comes back! The crazy thing is I’ve never been big on patience with anyone! Julio and I only survived for so long because when we had any arguments (whether we were teenagers or adults) he would call me around 2am (he said I was nicer when I was half asleep) and make me talk it out. I’m use to the guy having SLIGHTLY better communication skills than me…that is until Elijah! Ugh but I digress! I’m not sure what the Ex Factor’s communication skills are like because we never tried communicating before! Don’t laugh! True story! But I know he’s open and he will listen. He may not get it but he will try his best to listen. It’s all about what I am vulnerable enough to share! VULNERABLE! Just saying that word makes me want to throw up! That’s the one task that most of my married female friends have mastered that I haven’t! I feel like they taught patience, vulnerability, trust, and love all in one day in college and I fucking missed it! Maybe I was sick?! I was a rebel even back then so maybe I chose to miss it?! Well ever since I’m paying for it. Back to the triggers! When I see the relationships my friends have (male and female) it works for them but not one of them embodies what I’m looking for. I hated how Elijah was controlling and wanted to know my every move (and how much of MY money I was spending)! I checks in with no man! However, I did give the Ex Factor a heads up on my random solo vacation out of courtesy but also to let his ass know…I’m never going to be the I wait at home for you chick! At least I don’t intend to be! Now you see why I haven’t jumped into marriage and a family?! I have to tread lightly and pray all the way! Because if I didn’t believe Jesus was a fence….there’s no way I could have made it this far! Amen! Two schools of thought run in my mind and of course they are coming from Old Kingston: 1. Maybe I was right. I’m not his ONE because basic stuff shouldn’t be so difficult right?! And 2. Maybe we are both so afraid of letting go of our single selves that even if love beat us over the head, we aren’t going to abandon our single selves which still leaves us not belonging together! I just don’t know. But I feel old Kingston creeping back up and I’m not sure how long I can control her! When I feel neglected, I always keep another man on the side. It’s been a habit of mine since I met Julio at age 15. For every text or call that Julio or anyone didn’t make…another dude happily made it. For every date Julio forgot, couldn’t make, canceled, or left early…there was another guy there to fill in. That’s how I stayed with Julio on and off for over 10 years! I had Phoenix and the crew to keep me company. Don’t forget Phoenix has been around since 2004! And for the first time since Phoenix and I had that falling out about the $1,500 engagement ring that Elijah suggested….I ALMOST text Phoenix around 3am Friday night into Saturday. Instead I text the Ex Factor that I felt like I’m cut out of his life. I’m not around his friends and family and he’s not around mine! 99% of my friends don’t live in this area and as for family….he knows Junior and Brenda…but won’t be meeting Daddy until we get our shit together! Julio is the only guy my father has officially met as my boyfriend and boy I have some regrets about that! Some of Julio’s family members were terrible to me and that stays with me until this day! But we met when we were 15 and 16 years old so it’s hard to keep your first love from your parents. At 20 and 29, the Ex Factor and I met and immediately put up those boundaries. I know what my reason for it was…we weren’t seriously dating and I’m sure that was his reason too! I never meant to date him pass summer 2010. I never meant to fall in love with him. The plan was to work things out with Julio but the love I developed in summer 2010 with the Ex Factor was deeper and stronger than I had ever felt. And I never saw it coming or I would have blocked it and ran! So now it is 6 years later and we are still trying…but those old scars are still there. Scars of neglect, abandonment, and lack of love. I definitely don’t want to be at every family function or every damn place the Ex Factor is and I sure don’t want him every where I am! I need ME time on top of ME time! So close to booking another vacation now! But I want a sense of we are finding a balance. Now I can’t control him….controlling old Kingston is a full time job in itself! I’m filled with insecurities, lack of patience, bad thoughts, fears, jealousy, and trust issues! I keep telling the new Kingston that neither the new nor the old Kingston ever had an issue meeting a new man but no matter how good looking they are or how much money they have…they are not who I love. They are a symptom of a bigger issue. A temptation. A distraction. They are reminders that I’m afraid to grow and fully give over my heart. Even if my heart gets broken with the Ex Factor…if I don’t take this risk and learn to love even when I’m not feeling love in return…I will be good to no one but myself! I hope now more than ever you understand why there was always a Phoenix. He’s someone I am attracted to (mentally and physically) but no one that I ever had a fear of falling in love with. Phoenix was my safety net and even times when we were both single and he wondered why I never wanted more…it’s because I knew he wasn’t for me….because I felt safe with him. Not safe and loved but safe and like….I can hide here! Lol. With Phoenix, I could say and do as I pleased with no fear of losing him! I could be as ignorant as I wanted to be with no fears of repercussions! He’s been a different type of ride or die and I’m grateful I had him during some of the tough moments with Julio AND the Ex Factor. Phoenix always made me feel wanted but that’s because that was his ONLY job! All he had to do was provide what the others weren’t but even as he did that flawlessly…those missing pieces weren’t ever enough to make me want to stay with him! And in essence those missing pieces shouldn’t make me want to easily leave the love of my life (the Ex Factor) either. ??~KJM mulling over some thoughts and fighting old Kingston on this very hot summer Sunday?
I think I’ve finally figured it out. My issue with any kind of commitment to another human being. It is socially accepted…even expected (especially for women) that you must lose yourself to be fully committed to someone else besides yourself. By the end of this blog, you are probably going to think I’m the most selfish person alive and it will sum up why I’ve chosen to not marry as of yet. In times of great destruction and despair, the only person I could depend on to come to my rescue was myself and my God! I put no faith in another human being. It’s not their job to save me…even if I am their spouse. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS! And there is no parts of me that I want to give up for marriage and family. Now hear me out. Why do you think some folks are so angry during a divorce?! Amongst other reasons, one of the common ones I’ve heard time and time again is a loss of self! We sometimes blame our now dead beat spouse for the loss of our beautiful, happy, and vibrant self. Essentially…our young self. That person snatched it from us and we became buried in being the most perfect spouse and parent while the other person (typically the man) got to hang on to himself. Society does not expect nor require a man to give up a damn thing when becoming a father. Mothers are expected to leave early from work (or not work at all) so that they can make every recital and/or sporting event. Wives and mothers are expected to leave behind their old selves…forget who they are…sacrifice everything…while our male counterparts remain young and fresh. He essentially remains himself! Now this is my theory. You just don’t have to buy it. This is the reason why I run from commitment! I never want to forget me. I’ve never meshed into any man…romantically. Even the Ex Factor. I’ve never put a single one of my needs on the back burner for his needs. Nor do I expect him to do so for me. We are still growing and I’m praying that if and when sacrifices are to be made…we equally do it…putting all gender roles aside! You may be laughing at me and saying that’s impossible but if you have been reading my blogs from the beginning…you will understand that my upbringing wasn’t perfect but this is ONE OF THE AREAS WE HIT PERFECTION IN! I have a very active and loving father! Shout out to Papa Michaels! He still makes my meals to this day! ?? Yea I’m spoiled and I know it but don’t you digress. Focus on the issue at hand. Why should I forget myself? Why should I let myself go? Why should I walk around telling people that leaving the old me behind was well worth it! Lies I tell you! Pure lies! The me that showed up every time my life was falling apart is a very dependable and loyal me! That ME is a rebel! I don’t want to just give her away for the things society tells me I should. Why can’t I keep the amazing parts of her and not neglect her while building a marriage (and maybe family). That’s why I run from commitment because I’m not ready to lose me! In a way, I’m realizing the Ex Factor and I are perfect for each other. If I had settled for Julio, I would have been barefoot, pregnant, depressed, and then divorced! The key to MY happiness is loving freely and openly while holding onto my beautiful self! With this thought in mind, it dawned on me that I could only love…like truly love…a younger man!?? I’m not ready for half the things my friends have embarked on. I love my mani/pedi days! I love my solo trips (wrapping up one as we speak). I love loving the Ex Factor yet feeling like he steals nothing from my identity! ?? I love that one day I may be Mrs Ex Factor but that still won’t be as HOT as Ms Kingston Jael Michaels!? Yasss honey! And for now (and I pray forever)….the Ex Factor has clearly said he’s not going to try to change me. So another light just shined on me! Maybe I should stop trying to change him. Yea we are far from being a serious couple (I’m guessing my 50th and my engagement will be on the same day! Lol) and yes we aren’t the most romantic couple. We neglect each other sometimes. We are both emotionally deficient and I’m sure marriage and a family for us will be reality tv worthy (hoping it’s more of a family values show and not love and hip hop part xxl) but I digress…we are who we are meant to be. Our strongest relationships are still with ourselves! If we can remember that every time the road gets bumpy…we may just make it. For I truly believe that two people with a deep sense of self, who focus on not just the destination but the process of the journey, who actively make sure the sacrifices are as equal as can be…just may find happiness even when life changes and it’s not just them anymore! We can only give what we have found in ourselves. If I am depleted…I will have nothing left to give.??~KJM on Flashback Friday saying remember to be kind to yourselves every step of the way!?
Now I know I’m going to get a lot of side eyes for this one. And Auntie Kingston has definitely gotten to a new level of asshole-ism with this blog but it must be said. It’s Throwback Thursday and I want to take y’all on an ignorant blast from the past called what the fuck ever happened to my biological clock?! Now Auntie Kingston loves the kids and if you recall, I helped raise my sister Brenda for 6 years of my life (not by choice) but I digress. I met Julio at 15 years old. He was always a family man…even as a teenager. I told him marriage may be possible one day but kids were a HELL NO! Flash forward 20 years later and I still feel just as strongly about not having children. Now the game changer is the Ex Factor. I truly love him so the wife and mother that I never dreamed of being…I would be just for him. I love children…I know I can raise them…but I’m still so in love with myself that they seem like a hassle more than a benefit. Now hear me out. My mother was not meant for motherhood…her mother wasn’t…her mother’s mother wasn’t and so on. So it may be a DNA thing. Coincidentally, Junior is obsessed with the thought of having children and Brenda is still on the it remains to be seen tip. Maybe it’s a female DNA issue in my family?! To my knowledge, no woman in my family has ever had an honest and open relationship with herself prior to getting married and having children. I AM THE FIRST! Even being a girlfriend…does not come easily to me. Some women are all about babying their men. Not me. I’m definitely trying to learn a balance because of how much I love the Ex Factor. Good thing about him is he is really self sufficient and hardly complains so he doesn’t need much attention. I’ve learned to dote on him especially when he’s not feeling well. But back to the issue at hand. In my 20 years of dating, I have always been my first priority. Told you I could have been married 3 times but I would have been divorced 3 times too. I know myself just that well. Only a man I truly love could make me want to learn how to be a wife and mother. When I’ve dated other guys and marriage and family came up…I negotiated like I do a business deal. One child and a decent engagement ring is the typical package I offer. ? With the Ex Factor those rules don’t apply. Sky’s the limit but it doesn’t mean I’m all happy go lucky to be a wife and mom! Babies scare me! Like I have to breastfeed everyday and make them the center on my universe?! Da fuck?! I believe if my mom and all the women in her family had had a honest conversation with themselves and had been feminists…not one of them would have had kids. Back in the day…a woman’s worth was based upon her ability to reproduce! In the times I grew up in…I had options…so I fucking utilized them! I went to school and I built not one but two careers for myself (still growing them both). I’m only married to my careers because it’s in me to do so. I truly believe I can do anything I put my mind too but that doesn’t mean things like motherhood and wifehood will come easy to me. I see a baby and I smile but no parts of me wants to biologically have one!!!! I believe children are a blessing but for those who are destined to have them! GOD is still writing my story and I have no clue where HE will take me. HE’s already given me a love deeper than even I could expect (referring to myself first and then the Ex Factor). I want HIM to write my story…not me. So as the years go on….I wait for the ticking but I hear silence. Grace tells me I have a clock but I ignore it. Is that even possible?! In my mind, I picture my biological clock rolling under a truck….the truck rolls over it then reverses and rolls over it again! Jesus be a fence! Then the pieces are all over I95….scattered all over the US and even become international. That’s how I view my clock. Lol. There may come a day when the Ex Factor will ask for children and his wish shall be my command. However, not before I spend a year bringing home a different pet each time he asks for children. I shall start with a puppy because he loves those. Then I will literally pull a rabbit out of a hat! Right after I get the monkey and just before I purchase the alligator…our first set of twins shall be born. Sigh….I was never meant to be a domestic goddess but for some reason I feel like God has me on Comedy Central! Stay tuned…~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying where is my biological clock?! Have you seen it?!
It’s Sunday and I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend! As you know, I rarely drop a blog on Sundays. It’s generally my day for resting my thoughts. I wanted to write yesterday but I spent the entire day pampering myself in big and small ways. It was my first day off in weeks and I just focused in on me. Of course it felt great to be the center of my own universe. I learned something very powerful about myself and I couldn’t wait to share it. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me in so many ways. I get to first hand see…on paper…areas I’ve grown and areas I need to work on. This is an area I need to work on blog. Just in case you have the same issue, please go grab a pen and a piece of paper. We have work to do. If you use to have this issue…please write in and let me know how you overcame it. Like I said from the beginning…I cannot do any of this alone. I believe it takes a small strong village to love a man from here to eternity and have a healthy relationship…especially when he was the one to create some of your hurts. Now let’s go back to the beginning of this weekend and see how I learned I have the wrong great expectations for the Ex Factor and I. I’ve been working (my day job) to meet a deadline for almost two months and in that time I started working 7 days a week. This weekend I was suppose to work but I met my deadline Friday evening. During this hectic time, the Ex Factor and I struggled to find time for each other. We spent time when we could and FaceTime when we couldn’t but we kept on communicating which is a good thing for us. I have to admit I’ve been on edge and extra emotional. Working long hours only increased that feeling of “I’m about to lose it.” Still we made it through okay. He came to see me Wednesday when I had had a terrible day at work. And he made my day. The few hours…we got to spend…we laughed and cuddled as I was reminded of why I chose him 6 years ago. Now it’s Friday and I have the entire weekend to myself. So I hit the Ex Factor up and told him if he didn’t already have plans…lets do the weekend big. Unbeknownst to me…I was setting another trap for him. He already had plans with his friends…with dating younger their friends always have so much weight and influence in their lives. Ugh. I typically would not break plans with friends for him because I don’t believe in leaving your friends for a man! Your friends hold you down when your universe gets blown to pieces by said man. But I digress…slightly. In the last 35 days, we’ve barely seen each other. Granted a huge part of it was I was working too hard for my “40 acres and a mule” and pulling 70 hour work weeks. So part of me expected him to drop what he was doing because I was now free! Yea big mistake. He went on about his life and I held onto my pride and ego and went about my life. I cried Friday night as I slept because we had just discussed last week (when he went away with friends and family) him not making me feel like a backup plan, second best, or an option. No way I was going to have that conversation twice so I let it go and continued with my life. The thing is…with every tear I dropped…I felt the old Kingston coming back and that ain’t good. The old Kingston got her needs met by any means necessary. If one man didn’t have time for her…she has no problems dialing one that does. I almost text Elijah! NOW PAUSE FOR A MINUTE! I wasn’t going to text Elijah to mess with his head. I really don’t want him in any shape nor form. I’ve already explained that he shot himself in the foot long before the Ex Factor came back into my life. Elijah had 8 months (even after I broke things off) to fight for us and he didn’t. He had 8 months to win my love, earn my trust, and be the type of man I need. But instead Elijah was focused on controlling me and arguing with me every step of the way. I got tired of that shit and ended it. I’ve no regrets about showing Elijah the door. His selfish ass should have met me on the subway that night but by God’s design he didn’t…he wasn’t meant to…because he wasn’t the one for me. I’m grateful for that moment on NJ transit where I turned my black ass around and aborted my mission to go to Brooklyn in the middle of a bad storm to see Elijah. It was a defining moment for me. I had had enough! ?? Only love could make me turn myself into a fool and I didn’t love Elijah. But even foolish me would only be with a man who cared about my safety and happiness. Okay back to my latest lesson. So had I text Elijah…it would not have been to makeup and keep two men at one time like old Kingston would consider when feeling insecure about her current situationship. I had been debating if I should have a conversation with Elijah so that things are not awkward when I bump into him (probably at work). I didn’t text him for 3 reasons.
3. I really do loathe having any kind of conversation with Elijah. He would probably think any kind of communication brings hope for us…that’s how huge his ego is. ???
2. I really do not owe Elijah a got damn thing. When I was dating him and I would hear from the Ex Factor…I certainly did not explain anything to the Ex Factor…I ignored him and that’s the man I love. So Elijah ain’t special and does not need an update about my life. I believe when you are truly happy…updating your ex is the last thing you want to do. You want to just live life. Even with the bumps in the road, I’m still happier with the Ex Factor than any other man.
1. I could feel old Kingston coming back and I had to cut her off at the pass. I can never control the Ex Factor but I can control my damn self and not open up a can of worms that’s going to blow up in my face! I have been like this since I was 15 years old and the emotional and/or physical cheating never did work the fuck out for me so why go down a road I know for a fact doesn’t fucking work?! ?? Well now here comes the bigger revelation! I expect the Ex Factor to hurt me. I expect him to make me last in his life. I expect to have to keep two men at the same time in my life….one being a side piece like Phoenix who is there emotionally and sometimes physically when I feel abandoned! Old Kingston is a hot damn mess! I already know that this part of her has to go but letting go of ego and pride ain’t easy. I felt her creeping up and I had to stop her. So I cried it out then I woke up on Saturday and pampered myself. I even went out Saturday night with my family to a lounge and we had a great time. I was with Junior and my cousin, Katrina. Neither of them would ever let me do anything stupid not that I was about that life. But I digress…while I had a great Saturday and was starting to feel rested…I realized that I’m expecting us (the Ex Factor and I) not to make it. My faith in us died years ago and I really did lose all hope when I left him last September. I LOVE this man but pieces of me died throughout the years of trying to make it work. Those dead pieces don’t just blow away. Like you may have to glue yourself back together or try to grow new skin…whatever the fuck that means. So I did the only thing I could do…is put the old Kingston on pause and try to reevaluate my situation. When trying to make things work…I can only work on me. If I don’t learn to make the Ex Factor the one man in my life (romantically) now…when will I? Stakes are high! We are the two most unlikely people. I’ve tried to fall for others, start over with someone else even if I knew no love could grow there, and I’ve tried running. I’ve ran so much that my track shoes got holes in them! I’m exhausted from trying to get around the problem instead of working through it. But I just don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m self sufficient and am a loner when I want to be. Being alone is my comfort zone (believe it or not). I’ve had many years of being single by choice and single when dating and in love. The worst loneliness is when you love someone and they are just not there for you. That neglect is too much to bare and I’ve been there many times before with the Ex Factor. I’m ashamed to even tell my friends that I’m trying to make it work with him. But truth be told it’s our business and no one else’s. I…think…for me…this is all ego and pride. Old Kingston feels justified in every bad thing she ever did. Old Kingston feels like leaving him many times was her only option because she is no man’s fool. Old Kingston cried about the love she wasn’t receiving from the Ex Factor without considering the kind of love she was giving because it sure wasn’t a patient and kind love. Old Kingston wanted to be done with the Ex Factor in September 2015. Old Kingston is on the “I woman! Hear me roar!” tip without realizing not every moment deserves a roar. Old and new Kingston are terrified of getting hurt. So what I’ve learned is old habits are so hard to die. How do I give more love and understanding without worrying about what I will receive in return? How do I join millions of women (and probably men) and let go of the shame of past mistakes (both of ours). How do I let go of ego and pride? How can I communicate to the Ex Factor (in a healthy way) when Old Kingston is creeping up? How can I forgive myself for being human? How can I forgive myself for loving a man when teenage me swore off love for life? How can I? How can I? How can I ease the pain and not travel with it every where I go? How can I learn not to be a self fulfilling prophecy? How can I let the Ex Factor know I need him without feeling like I’ve lost my independence? How can I love freely and openly? If you recall, when Elijah and I were in trouble…I went to him and boldly told him about Phoenix and the purpose he serves in my life (though I’m sure that chapter is closed and well deserved at that)?! How can I learn that my level of commitment shouldn’t be based on the Ex Factor’s? I will never learn to love AND be faithful to any man if I base my love on how much I thought he was giving me! Why can’t I be like some of my wives friends who make being in love look like strength? Shout out to Willow, Grace, and Toi! How can I stop expecting the Ex Factor to fail me and me expecting to leave him again? How…can…I? Ugh I’m exhausted. ~KJM saying I really do want to do better but my love DNA reads 1st Corinthians ch 13 as if it’s a fairytale and could never be true. How can I embody the healthy love I want to give and receive?
If you have been following this blog from the beginning…you know first hand that I’m a hot mess! There were times I was heart broken and angry at the Ex Factor. Then there were times I tried to settle and make things work with Elijah…but no matter what…I did things MY way. It took dating Elijah to make me realize that I was 50% to blame for all the heartache I endured with the Ex Factor. Instead of communicating…I shut down on him and then I ran. Whether it was to an ugly guy that tossed a good salad or controlling Elijah. I’m finally done running. But the thing is I couldn’t have gotten to this point with the Ex Factor if I didn’t make lots of fucking mistakes! Elijah taught me how to be PATIENT and to accept the Ex Factor for who he was. I love him more today because of all the mistakes made along the way. The road is never easy but I love more freely now than when I was trying to do everything the right way and by my principles. So I’m grateful for the time we spent apart because I believe….especially the Elijah experience…will make me a better spouse. I created a lot of dramas in my head and some I really lived! At the end of the day, I’m always going to choose the Ex Factor. So what I have learned is when the bumps in the road come…hold on and get ready to ride it out. There’s no one else in the world I want to love, dislike, love even deeper, and then grow with like the Ex Factor. I’m in it for however long God has it in His design for us to be together. And I’m sure there will be more tears but I’m also sure there will be even more laughter. That laughter with the one I truly love is what I’m living for. Love you baby!? And thanks for being strong enough to always come get me from the depths of hell that I’ve placed myself in. Strength and patience with a touch of faith is what I need in a man. And now I have it! ~KJM giving you a taste of the present on Flashback Friday!?
Well I’ve been holding on to this one until the coast was clear. What better day to relive a fairly recent traumatic experience than Flashback Friday?! Yesterday I spoke about how dirty talk could enhance the communication in a relationship. I introduced the pros and cons of talking that nasty yet respectable talk in the bedroom. It’s a beautiful thing. Today’s blog is headed in a far darker direction. This is the ultimate FUCK NO when becoming intimate with a new partner. Flashback with Elijah and I to November 2015…I had just gotten back from celebrating my brother, Junior’s, birthday in Vegas with my family. Shout out to Harmony for making that trip AMAZING! Now back to the freak show I call my life! Elijah and I had only been intimate twice and had only spent the night once together. We both worked such crazy hours and then I was in Vegas…so I thought it was time for a staycation. Typically the Ex Factor and I plan these things out together but Elijah was a different beast. Unbeknownst to me at the time…Elijah is cheap as fuck so the only time we would ever do a staycation is if I was paying for it but I digress. I rented a hotel room in the Theater District of Manhattan. I took him to “Night” which I later found out was set up kind of like a sex den. I chose “Night” for its decor not realizing what we were in for. If you ever want to try it out, you must go to the one in the Theater District because the Times Square location appears to be more family oriented. “Night” in the theater district has a sexy dark decor. The karma sutra is kept in the table draws…not the Bible. And the decor throughout the entire hotel? I could climax just off of those photos! But I digress…when we arrived Elijah was impressed. He had no clue where I was taking him and I suppose he thought it would be like a Super 8 since anything in midtown Manhattan is super expensive…even the low star hotels. The plan was for us to check in and then go have dinner. It was strangely warm that evening (the day after Thanksgiving) so I was in a leopard cat suit from American Apparel. Shout out to them! When I seduce a man…I plan out every single detail. Elijah was new territory so I was setting the scene and also letting him know how I want to be courted. I like things exotic, different, and well thought out. I execute. And when I shoot…I never miss my mark. When I want a man…I get him. But I digress…again…back to this freak show. Once Elijah saw the decor of “Night” he got excited and started foreplay. Now I’ve said this before…the Ex Factor and I are sexual soulmates when our communication is great. He shares the power with me in the bedroom and many times will just submit to me. I FUCKING need that to get wet. I…need to know…this is MY dick and I shall do with it as I please. Elijah, on the other hand, is also a huge control person but shit went left when I went against my norm and allowed him to have power over me. First he told me to close my eyes because he had a surprise for me. I decided to play along. Big fucking mistake! Earlier in the day, Elijah had told me that his cousin gave him a gift that he was going to bring to the hotel. I thought it was a bottle of wine. I was expecting to open my eyes and have my new man hand me a glass of wine. Sigh…with my eyes still closed, I felt his hand enter me…then….oh wait for it…I felt something else. Big…hard…not human. I opened my eyes and to my horror…Elijah had inserted “THE RABBIT,” an infamous vibrator that is for external and internal pleasure, into my fucking vagina. And no I wasn’t turned on…matter of fact I started FUCKING yelling. My stance on vibrators when I owned one (haven’t bought one since I started dating the Ex Factor in summer 2010) is I do not get the ones that can be inserted. I used them for stimulation of my clit only. My tight pussy is just for my man. Not some toy. Now I’ve the fucking rabbit being rammed into me! If I could have spat in his face I would have! I kept reminding myself that Elijah wasn’t the Ex Factor so he didn’t know my sexual preferences and didn’t FUCKING think to ask! So I instructed him to quickly take the rabbit out of me and never have it return!!! But wait….it gets better! I should have ended any sexual contact from that moment but since we were new to each other, I proceeded to try to take control before I completely got dry. It’s not over yet. Elijah and I struggled for power and then this asshole decided to backdoor me! Is this motherfucker serious?! He should have had a brick thrown in his face at this point. Let me explain MY backdoor (anal sex) policy: ONLY shit comes out of there and nothing goes in! The only other man that had ever ventured to my backdoor (besides to toss my salad) was Phoenix and he was always smart enough to work several areas at one time so it was a pleasure meets pain feeling. But even Phoenix, I warned not to venture to my backdoor again. It’s like frozen yogurt. I tried it and I don’t like it. Now I’ve some friends that LOVE anal sex and I don’t judge. To each it’s own. Now back to this hot mess of a night. When Elijah backdoored me…he was quite rough with it…to the point I felt a pain I never had before. He quickly exited my backdoor when he saw me bawling my fist. Soon this sexual mess was over and then we went to dinner. When we got back from dinner, I took a shower. As the water fell on my skin and I lathered up, I felt a burning stinging feeling. Earlier when I went to the bathroom, I swore I was spotting blood but I wasn’t on my period. So I ignored it. Burning…stinging….no this motherfucker had not ripped my asshole?! I mean this has to be in my top 3 worst sexual experiences! Elijah typically dates women in their 50s and always said they fuck the best. I don’t think he had dated a younger woman in a decade! No disrespect to mature women but…fuck it I’m just going to get raw with it. If their dried up pussies haven’t seen a penis in a decade or two…I’m sure they would have been cool with Elijah cuming in their ears! I AM NOT THE ONE! I got out of the shower heated. Elijah was sleeping and I flipped the lights on and went in! I don’t think there was a curse word that didn’t leave my mouth!!!! When I told him he ripped my asshole…he looked mortified! I really thought about choking his ass…that’s how pissed I was!!!! So if you are wondering from yesterday’s blog why Elijah got a less than stellar geriatric hand job that he had to assist me with…this is the fuck why!!! After that I never let Elijah touch me again. We dated for 7 months…6 of which was sexless. At first I thought, I didn’t want to have sex so I can develop feelings for him. I can only fall in love before having sex with a man…for I can separate sex and love. If we have sex before I catch feelings…I will never truly be in love. I will feel something but it’s like having bad gas and always thinking you are about to shit…only to sit on the toilet and realize you never had to shit! I cared for Elijah dearly and have no issue with him. When he told me he loved me in January 2016, I tried to reciprocate. But I believe neither of us truly loved the other one. He wanted to control me and my emotions and I wanted to receive the love I never felt from the Ex Factor. That openness…I wanted that. And I assumed because Elijah was almost 40 that he had to be husband material. Big fucking mistake! I believe there’s a woman out there that will be happy to be surprised by the “Jack Rabbit” and find the backdoor to be enduring but I am not the FUCKING one! I don’t know why I didn’t run back to the Ex Factor and admit I was wrong to leave him. Maybe my ego got the best of me? Maybe pride? Maybe I was FUCKING insane! Yes! Yes! Yes! I plead fucking insanity!?? When I visited Harmony in Vegas in May, we spoke about the entire “Night” of hell with Elijah. Harmony was so upset and asked me how I viewed the situation. I definitely felt violated but how I dealt with it is being vocal about it and not being quick to give Elijah another chance to invade my body. For whatever reason, I hid behind the “I want to develop true feelings for you so let’s wait to have sex.” But that was so unlike me. Even in our worst moments (with exception of one time) the Ex Factor and I don’t let a month go by without having sex. No matter how crazy our schedules are…we find time for true intimacy. For me…it’s not even about sex. I can go a long time without sex. I love the Ex Factor and I never want it to feel like forever before I feel his touch again!? I should have known Elijah wasn’t the one. It could have been a decade without his touch and I would have been fine! So to wrap this up Harmony and I came up with 3 simple rules for men when having sex with a woman: 3. DO NOT ASSUME ALL WOMEN LIKE A CERTAIN SEXUAL ACTIVITY! Respect a woman’s body and have a conversation about anything new you would like to try in the bedroom! If your last girlfriend liked you to toss her salad and then fart in her face…..PLEASE DO NOT TRY THAT WITH YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!! Matter of fact….RESPECT…you can never go wrong with enforcing that word! 2. TOYS: Harmony and I agreed that the only toys we would be open to using are the ones WE bring to the bedroom. Be open to a woman bringing her own props. That way we are in control of our own sexuality…as we should be! Don’t you dare insert anything in her without her FUCKING permission unless you want a brick to your face! 1. BACKDOORED! I’m going to say it again! Not every woman likes this! Communicate and find out if yours does. It took months for the rip in my asshole to heal! Ouch! Learn from Elijah’s mistake. ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying I’ve no issue with Elijah. I think he’s going to be a good partner for some woman…not me though! Best wishes to him!
It’s Throwback Thursday and I’ve been working nonstop. Yet this blog keeps me going. It’s suppose to be over 90 degrees and very humid in the Tri State area today. Let’s turn up the heat here at Kingston Expressions! Today I’m focusing on dirty talk in the bedroom. I love the show “The Golden Girls!” So many life lessons for women can be learned from that show…especially about sex and friendship. There was an episode where Dorothy (my fav) admitted that she has never talked dirty in the bedroom. “I’ve always wanted to talk during sex but there never seemed to be good time,“ paraphrasing Dorothy here. I’m not sure of where I learned to be vocal in the bedroom but I do know that the day I lost my virginity to Julio, during all the pain and bleeding I whispered “never hurt me.” So I guess it was always in me to represent myself during one of the most intimate moments of my life. Though I think I learned how to talk dirty when I dated the bad boy (aka crazy) in college. He kind of molded me into a sexually aware yet assertive woman. Climax after climax….multi orgasms after multi orgasms gave birth to my voice. He wanted me to tell him what I needed and to take initiative in our sex life. That’s when I learned how not to be a lazy lover. Shout out to crazy! Now back to the art of dirty talking. I know women who have never tried it. There’s some fear there…perhaps the fear of not being viewed as pure. For others, sexual violence in their life silenced them. Jesus be a fence… Then some women were just never encouraged to voice their opinions on anything in life…much less sex! I find kinky talk in the bedroom to be freeing. I’m very dominate and have no issue with saying what I need him to do. And I love to describe what I’m about to do to him and then act it out! ?? Dirty talk with the Ex Factor is my favorite! When we started dating, he was 20 and I was 29. My sexual assertiveness with him made me feel like a mad scientist in a lab.? I am getting moist just even thinking about it. The first time I acted out what I text to him and his eyes rolled to the back of his head…I…I…fuck I’m climaxing now just reminiscing! ? This is a part of our sex life that we NAIL! The Ex Factor understands (and I think appreciates) my NEED to be in control…dominate in our sex life. Love that about him. When our communication is good…our sex life is GREAT!?? Now that damn Elijah is another story. He likes to control. He also did all the dirty talking the last time we slept together almost 9 months ago….and only the 3rd time we had sex…and coincidentally the last time I would ever let him touch me! He kept saying “fuck me” and I got so turned off (for many reasons…stay tuned for that quote) that I barely finished him off with a hand job that even a geriatric could have done a better job of.✌?️ My hand became limp from his dirty talk or really anytime Elijah spoke. ?Ugh. He had to help me finish that hand job too. Lol. At the time, I felt mortified by my part in the whole experience but now I’m just mortified about his part and laugh about mine. But I digress…back to dirty talk. Here are 5 pros and cons of mastering the art of dirty talk: 5. TAKING THE INITIATIVE TO INTRODUCE DIRTY TALK INTO YOUR SEX LIFE! PRO: It can open a door of ecstasy for you and your new partner. CON: Introduce it too soon into your relationship before you find out what the other person likes to hear and it can be a huge turn off! I suggest you slowly have a conversation about it before venturing into this territory. The goal is for it to enhance the sexual experience for you both! Communication is key here! 4. SO NOW YOU KNOW SHE LIKES DIRTY TALK IN BED SO YOU TURN IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH BY USING SOME NEW PET NAMES! PRO: Kinky? CON: Tread lightly when referring to a woman as a slut, whore, or cunt in the bedroom! I am a freak but to a hardworking career woman like myself these words are a HELL NO! Matter of fact leave bitch at home too cause I don’t want to have to tell you bout your mama! Some words are okay for some women and not okay for others. Check with your woman before you get slapped or worse…before she closes the pussy shop. 3. USING DIRTY TALK OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM! PRO: A great way to signal that it’s time to go home and fuck when you are out in a public place. This can be exhilarating when done right because it’s a secret language that only you two share. It’s a universe you created together…just for each other. That’s sexy! CON: Don’t use derogatory words outside of the bedroom and/or in front of others. I may be cool with some things in the heat of passion and not cool with those words in every day life. Learn the difference between fantasy and the real world… 2. NEW PARTNERS AND DIRTY TALK! PRO: You are still adventurous and ready to please your new partner in any way. You are ready to freely express yourself. And that in itself is magical. CON: No two partners are alike! Your last spouse loved when you said you would toss her salad but your new one just lost her appetite! She won’t be eating salad for a month now! Shit chips and climaxing just aren’t her thing. Learn each partner accordingly. Don’t assume that the same sexual phrases that turned on your last girlfriend will do the same for your new girlfriend. The same should be said for sexual positions! ?? 1. EACH WORD IS ACCOMPANIED BY AN ACT OF PLEASURE! PRO: Normal words have now turned into words of passion. You two are directing each other to the land of ecstasy…word for word! There’s a new depth to your love making. These words transform what was already a great romance into a climactic force that no one outside of your universe could ever compete with. He touches you and you express your yearning for him. It’s clear that he’s the one for you. He doesn’t have to wonder. You are telling him and guiding him to your land of pleasure and that’s what dirty talk can do for you both in the bedroom or wherever you decide to make love. Sky’s the limit! CON: Choosing to remain silent about your sexual desires may be a sign of other communication issues in a relationship. Believe it or not…most of us do have things we want to express when we have reached the height of our pleasure…the climax. Maybe some things aren’t politically correct but you will never know unless you embrace the conversation outside (first) and then inside the bedroom! Welcome to the pleasure zone?~KJM saying talk dirty to me (Ex Factor) on Throwback Thursday?
I WILL NOT COMPARE MY LIFE TO OTHERS. I will be perfectly happy with who I am and where I am in life. I will not let other people set my limitations. I no longer believe in limitations. Every morning I will rise with love in my heart and hope in my eyes. I will sing…off tune. I will dance…thankfully on beat. And when I grow tired…off beat I shall be with faith in each movement I make. You and I are a mess separately but together we are a perfect pair of madness. I will be grateful for the madness and the intense moments for they awakened my spirit and my heart. I will have faith in you…my home…my heart. I will have faith in myself. And I will have faith in us. Broken…I am no longer broken. I will heal myself with the Lord’s blessings. I won’t give up on my dreams. And when the difficult days come, I will dream bigger because it is in my destiny to do so. HE did not create me to be average. I will walk into my purpose faithfully. Never questioning the winds and the tides. I shall let the waves crash around me with no fear of drowning. And I will BREATHE life…even in spirit breaking moments. I will love you for all the days of my life. I won’t give up on you. I will stop comparing us to others. I will accept that our picture isn’t perfect and I will allow us room for error. I will be patient with you and…myself. I will turn our failures into victories and we shall build an empire from all the learned lessons. And I will find FREEDOM in knowing that this journey was created just for me!??And I will thank GOD for it!??~KJM on Charm School Monday aka the 4th of July…saying there is purpose and freedom in being our true selves. Do not be afraid to embrace it!?