Happy Serenity Saturday! I have to be honest…I am feeling anything but serene today. Didn’t get much sleep because there’s so much on my mind. New Kingston has been battling old Kingston and thus, things haven’t been easy. Let me start off by saying I am always a work in progress!?? The Lord is not done with me and praise God because there’s so much work that needs to be done on my mind, body, and spirit! As I step into the unknown with the Ex Factor and other areas of my life, I find old Kingston creeping up wanting to make drastic hasty decisions. Sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I want to stand and fight. Other times I am just too exhausted to decide which way to go! The Ex Factor pushes a lot of buttons and asks for patience in places I don’t believe they exist. He is asking for a lot and he has done very little growth on himself. Essentially, he is the same person he was in 2010…only more guarded and closed off. Sigh…great more work for me to do! ? While I ponder whether to leave him again, a little voice is saying be patient! Now you guys know how I struggle with patience!!! I wish the word didn’t exist…unless it is being used in association with others being patient with me.? I am being serious! Of course, we want others to have mercy on us in our times of miscommunication and misdirection! We want all the goodies but dishing it out is HARD WORK! And while I contemplate the status of my situationship with the Ex Factor…it dawned on me that the relationship that really needs help is me and God!? If I was laying it all at HIS feet, I would never worry nor let any negative thoughts rob me of my sleep! I am not TRUSTING in the LORD nor WAITING on the LORD!?? Instead I am laying in my bed at night wrapped up with ego and pride! Pride says block the Ex Factor! Ego says cuss him out and let him know who he is really dealing with. But hold up…who is he really dealing with? My ego and pride! Not who the real Kingston truly is. Not the Kingston who hands over her life and her career to GOD. So why is it that it’s so hard to trust the LORD in my romantic life? It’s already written that HE walks with me and HE protects me! So what am I sad and worried about? I have lived out testimonies where HE has dragged me out of the fire and did not allow anything to touch me! When I was lost HE always came and got me! So why am I tripping! HE is there! My faith is what needs strengthening! Once that relationship is solid then no matter what comes my way…I will be fine. Lastly, I reminded my brother, Junior, of 3 things I learned from my 10 years on and off with Julio: 1. Our final and real break up happened at the end of my first year of graduate school. Julio wanted a family NOW and I didn’t. Truth be told, he was never supportive when it came to my educational endeavors. So me continuing school made him uneasy. As I WAITED for my first year grades in a difficult program to come back…Julio broke things off! Marriage and children will continue without me…is the message I got from him. I cried and cried. The last thing I said to him (over the phone) was “we were suppose to get married and have children.” And he still let me go. That was May 2007. It’s July 2016 and Julio is still unhappily single with no children!!! And I never took him back! I say all of this to ask…is my future relationship just about having a family by any means necessary with anyone or is it about who I want to build my life with?! Marriage and family were never in my forever future plan. The men I loved/love want these things…on their timing! I am just trying to stay on God’s time! And boy is that work! Well…mainly because I’m still trying to control everything! ??? 2. When I fell for the Ex Factor in Summer 2010, Julio was actively in my life as my friend and still was trying to see if there was hope for us. The lesson here is if there is a greater love for me than the Ex Factor…God will remove the Ex Factor. I won’t have to do it! HE removed Julio from my romantic life in 2010 and I have known him now for 19 years so that was no easy feat! Nothing like the power of the Lord!?? 3. When Julio broke things off in 2007, I was very good to him. I threw no stones and put my ego and pride aside even when he was shitting on me. I left that relationship with my head held high and Julio has to forever live with the fact that he wasn’t good to me. I really need to do the same with the Ex Factor. Ego and pride feels so good when you telling someone where to go and stooping to their level but in the end, you can’t hold your head up high unless you were the best you…you could be in that situation! So in January 2016, I easily told Julio NO we aren’t going to try again! I am NOT his fall back person. I should have been his FIRST choice and he should have been patient, supportive of my education, and supportive of my career! I stayed blessed even with all the obstacles I faced because I was the best Kingston I could be when I exited that relationship! I love hard but when my heart fully closes…it is CLOSED! With all this in mind, I realized there’s really no need for ego and pride! God has it handled! 10 years on and off with Julio….he let me go and the next 9 years were full of him asking if we could try again! God don’t sleep! So I wait on the Lord and I trust in the Lord! Being patient…but if you catch me slipping remind me of this blog! ~KJM saying “whoosa” on Serenity Saturday!????