Kingston Expressions

If you recently cheated with your man’s best friend, family member, or associate, STOP reading! This blog won’t be for you. Nothing can really help you now but Jesus! It may be over forever! Now for the rest of us that mess up in different ways with our men or want to try something different with men…this is for you! Here are 6 things they claim only work on women but I’ve actually tried on men and been successful at:

6. BUY A MAN A DRINK AT A BAR. There’s been this ugly assumption that if a woman shows a man interest first, she will be seen as easy. This is simply not true. I was raised to be a hunter and in my hunting career, rarely have casual relationships unless I’m purposely choosing to. Usually when I hunt, I hunt well and end up dating the man for years! Now hunting does not mean be thirsty! I do not run after a man period! I simply show interest (give him the green light) and he, in turn, must be the man and pursue me! Now that I’ve gotten that out the way…back to that drink. I lived in North Carolina for 4 years. During much of that time, I was celibate and not dating by choice. Julio, my first love, and I had our final break up at the end of my first year in NC. After that heartbreak, I needed a long break from dating. A little over a year later, on a nice hot August night in NC, I went out with some of my girls to an event that was being held at a Cuban restaurant. This was during the 2008 Democratic National Convention in which our now President, Barack Obama, was stepping forward as a man who was going to bring this country HOPE! “YES WE CAN!” And yes he did?? Okay back to this drink! Where is this fucking drink?! Hold your horses! I’m bringing it to you baby! Lol. Finally get to the event at the Cuban restaurant to see a sea of women and only a sprinkling of men! I made up my mind that I was going to meet someone that night. My pick up line was “Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?” One guy, who I will call Mario, gave me a million dollar answer! Mario said he’s been watching it all week with his mom and his sister? Jackpot! A family oriented man! Make a long story short I bought him a drink and we went on to date for over 6 months until he got a job as a contractor in Afghanistan! Don’t worry, we kept in touch for years. He lived over seas for 3 years to make money for him and his family. I’m happy to report, Mario is in NC again and doing well! So proud of him. Now I can say the Democratic National Convention and a drink got me a man! Touchdown??

5. SENDING A MAN FLOWERS. Now hear me out! I’ve done this 4 times in my life and generally it was because I was in the dog house with a man or he had just did something wonderful for me and I wanted to say thank you in a way that everyone around him would take notice! Special note: please do not send girly looking flowers to his job! My favorites are a dozen white or deep purple roses. I like to choose an arrangement that doesn’t look like Valentine’s Day exploded and took a poop! These are for MEN after all! Now if you still don’t think this is a good idea…think again. I once asked my older male cousin what’s the nicest thing a woman has ever done for him? He replied…send him flowers and said “Even though men are generally not big on flowers, it’s nice when my woman randomly has them delivered to me. It’s like she is letting the world know that I am hers and she thought of me today! Men need that validation too!” Also, I’ve gotten out of any mess I’ve put myself into in my relationships when I said I’m sorry with flowers? That’s right! Now some of you need to go run (not walk) to the flower shop!

4. SEND A GOOD MORNING AND A GOOD NIGHT TEXT. We’ve all been there. It’s the start of a new relationship and we are so into this new guy. He texts us “good morning” and we climax! He texts us “good night” and we are calling girlfriends from the U.S. to Hong Kong to let them know that our new man not only thinks about us day and night but even dreams about us! Yassss honey! This could be love! What may not have occurred to us is that maybe he wants to know that he is the first and last thing on our minds each day! The male ego is fragile and needs reassurances too. At the start of my second longest relationship, the ex factor would text me good morning and good night. My heart would skip a beat each time especially in the first two years! As the years went on and we went through so much, I realized that I needed to reassure him too! So I started to text him as soon as my eyes opened (well after prayer that is….because Jesus is still number 1. Lol) and right as I was going to sleep. If I ever forgot, like clock work he would text me. We did this even though we text throughout the work/school day. I think it’s an important tip to follow whether at the start of a relationship or 5 years into it! The ex factor knew he was loved! I sent my love in big ways (refer to number 1) and sent it in small ways in the form of a “good night” text.

3. REDECORATE A MAN’S HOUSE. Now out of all of them…this one is tricky. If done wrong, you could completely fuck up your relationship. So proceed with caution!!!! Think back to a time you needed something fixed like a broken door knob/lock and your boo noticed it and fixed it by the time you got home? Or the time he knew you wanted some furniture for your house/apartment and surprised you with it? Men love this too! But the trick to redecorating a part of his apartment is NOT to make your female mark or change him…but to enhance him. “Upgrade him” like Beyoncé suggests! I dated a guy once that had a huge and beautiful bathroom with a separate tub and shower. His colors were burgundy and gold but everything in it was ragged and dusty! The shower mats looked like he had them for the last 10 years without washing them! I nearly died at the sight! One day, right after he went to work, I decided it was time to redecorate his bathroom. I went out and bought all the mats, shower curtains, rods, candles, towels, and wash cloths. I kept everything burgundy and gold! Those were his colors and who was I to change that! When I got back to his place, I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned that bathroom (full clean) from top to bottom! Then I set up everything. There were burgundy and gold candles in the shower, around the tub, and even at the sinks! To add the Mama Michaels touch, when I was done, I put some lavender fabuloso (it’s like pine-sol but better) in the toilet! When he got home and saw it he jumped with joy! His bathroom was fit for a KING. For the next couple months he told all his family and friends about his new bathroom! He even refused to let guests use his bathroom during the first couple days after it was redecorated by me! Score!

2. SAYING I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU DON’T! Now I’m not proud of this one. I once said “I love you” to a guy to save our relationship. We dated for over two years and neither of us were in love! We both knew this. But when college (WE ARE! PENN STATE!) was over for the both of us and he was moving back to the west coast…I didn’t want to lose him. We agreed that if we were in love, it might be worth it to do the east coast/west coast long distance relationship. But he was such a great guy! So I said “I love you” over the phone and he immediately called me out on it! We went on to be good friends for over 10 years until he met someone special who would probably be his wife and I knew it was time to fully let him go. It’s hard throwing an amazing guy back on the market but we were right not to invest so deeply with no love present. In my longest running relationship with Julio, “I love you” (said meaningfully) got me out of the dog house several times! That shit works on men too! It’s been almost 19 years since Julio and I met and we are still in each other’s lives as friends. An “I love you” can really go a long way!

And 1. PLANNING A DATE/VACATION FOR YOUR MAN. On December 27, my parents, the Michaels, will be celebrating 32 years of marriage and been together close to 40 years! Now they are far from perfect but they are making it work the best they can and they are still IN LOVE with each other! However, ever since I could remember, Papa Michaels complains that for all the years he’s been with my mom, she has never planned a date nor vacation for them. He tells my sister Brenda and I that we better not be repeating the same mistakes with our current boyfriends and future husbands! I’ve never even seen Mama Michaels plan anything for my dad’s birthdays nor Father’s Days and this is for a man that is an active father of 3 children! I grew up with my dad making most of my meals and ironing my uniforms for school while my mom attended college and pursued her dreams of being a nurse! Now Papa Michaels ain’t perfect as a husband but he is a damn good father! The point to take away from here is sometimes it’s nice to create romance for our men. Surprise them with a nice date or vacation. I’ve done this for all my men and each time their faces light up like Christmas trees! Now let me be clear…if you are in a relationship where you always have to plan everything for your man, you are in the wrong one! Got to let a man be a man and spoil his woman. However, there is nothing wrong with a woman treating her man every now and then with a romantic getaway…especially if you guys have kids. If you have an amazing man, you should want to think outside the box when showing him love and thanking him for all he is! Amen! ~KJM dropping some serious knowledge on Charm School Monday’s.