Kingston Expressions

I hope what you get from my blog is I tried. I honestly tried to be open to love. The road wasn’t easy and I will never be the type of person to lie to you and tell you I knew he was the one right away. I don’t talk about dream like love. I’m knee deep in shit at times and want to give up everyday! It’s the hardest task I’ve ever taken on. At times I get tired of hearing be patient. I know I spoke of why “the wait” is so important but come on now…many times we just get fucking tired of waiting! I’m just having one of those days where I’m confused and lying knee deep in shit. Fairytales don’t exist here. I hope you get that from my blog. If I ever get to where I need to be…it was messy, ugly, and painful. It was not some perfect love story. And I’m exhausted all the time. This blog keeps me going. Never forget that there is hope in the most hopeless places. ~KJM on Charm School Monday

So much lies in our past. From the way we grew up to the way we first fell in and out of love, the past can explain present struggles. Lately Elijah will say negative things (unbeknownst to him) that triggers things Julio directly said to me and things the ex factor indirectly and passive aggressively expressed. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or because I’m so scarred that my past seems to be nipping at my heels. Elijah and I are always having these power struggles just like I did with all the rest. Why must these men try to “tame the shrew?” Everyone is always trying to change me and mold me into something I can’t be…won’t be…and don’t want to be. I want to be in love yet maintain my individual identity. If I have a family, I don’t want to make them my whole world! I want to still belong to myself every step of the way. I was born who I was meant to be and I’m in love with that person…in all her rawness and talent. Why can’t these men feel the same about me? Starting with Julio, I’m always constantly being told I’m not good enough. When someone puts you down know it has very little to do with you and everything to do with them. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted children with Julio. I would never want my children to see their mother constantly being belittled everyday by their father. This thought led me to an even more deeper revelation about my past. I stayed with the ex factor for 5 years (on and off) not for what he could be to me but for what he could be to our children! Wait let me back it up…in case I’m losing you. My stance on children is if my future husband wants them, we will have them but if he doesn’t I’m cool with that too. I’ve always said I do not have a biological need to be pregnant. But once I consider seriously dating a man and he expresses he wants children, I try to envision if I could bless him with the biggest gift life has to offer. With Julio the answer was hell no and will always be so. I want him no where near my womb! For the ex factor, I (for the first time in my life) could see our three children. I could see him being a great father and that coupled with his 26 year old young sperm would allow us to have a beautiful big family. The ex factor, from what I hear from my sister Brenda, was raised by two wonderful and loving parents. Everyone in his family pitches in for the greater good of the family as a whole. So I stayed for 5 years and 3 months for my children! That thought alone comforts me to no end on why I would allow myself to be treated terribly by the ex factor. While having children is not a must for me…the moment I could envision them with a man….it’s my job as their future mother to protect them even before conception. Ladies, please keep that in mind! It’s our job to protect our wombs even before conception! I was once told by an older woman who was on her second marriage that you never know a man until you have children for him. He could spend 10 years loving you and doting on you but once children are born that same man may walk away from his own DNA as if they were complete strangers! Ouch! Because Papa Michaels has been an imperfect loving, caring, and active father, I would want my children to have the same! There were no gender roles in my house. Whatever parent was home took care of the children. Papa Michaels was the most efficient parent. I grew up with him ironing my uniforms (that’s why I suck at ironing lol), making all my meals, and him setting my bedtime only to check on me to make sure I was actually sleeping. Both of my parents worked 12-16 hours a day to provide though my dad had a more flexible schedule. I asked Papa Michaels if he enjoyed being a none traditional active father and he said yes. He loved providing for his family and building his family up from the inside out! Oh my I’m so blessed to have him as my father! The love I see in his eyes for me…I don’t know if I will ever see such a thing in anyone else. And maybe that’s why me and my womb have a hard time committing! I know there is no such thing as perfection but I want something damn close! For all his faults as a husband, Papa Michaels is one hell of a father. After all, he raised me! ?? My friend, Grace, recently told me that when you are an independent woman with no kids and have a career, men know you can afford to be picky. With that being said, what made me stay with one man (the future of my children) may be the same reason I can leave one without batting an eye. I have no plans of giving up my independence and becoming barefoot and pregnant! Fuck that! So if Elijah really loves me…it’s my womb he needs to impress. A dick can’t impress my womb and neither does a man who can provide since I can provide for myself. He needs to come correct and prove to me that he’s worth me blessing him with generations to come! ?? Sins of the past can tell us so much about our present and possibly our future. My future is worth being picky about. My womb is still worth protecting. I will hold out until it feels close to perfect. And if it never does….it was all worth the risk to either give my future children an amazing father or keep them safe and sound in my womb and let my siblings carry on the Michaels name! ~KJM on Charm School Monday

I know it’s been a while since you have heard from me. Lots have been going on but I have not abandoned my readers. After my final love letter to the ex factor….I officially entered “the wait.” This is a time period where one feels ready to excel but only GOD can put them in motion. Until then, we are patiently waiting and preparing ourselves. Some people forever stay in “the wait” stage. In order for you to understand why, let me be clear on something…the waiting period is a time to strengthen your faith…not doubt God. If you doubt His ability, He will keep you waiting. Common mistakes people make in this time period are to get jealous of others’ success, get bitter, get angry, and constantly compare their lives to others. The wait is different for each person. With it comes many test and testimonies. It’s the time when you learn what kind of spouse, family member, boss, and friend you were meant to be amongst other things. It is a time to be humble. A time of prayer and meditation. If you let any type of negative energy consume you…you may forever be…waiting. The wait is not for the tired and weary. It’s for the energized and faithful spirits. Sometimes you may be called to abandon everything you once held dear to you and TRUST that GOD’s promise to you is greater than anything you dreamed up. I woke up two days ago with my heart full and smiling. Patience is my weakness but once I acknowledged that I am in the waiting period…I’ve no choice but to patiently wait. He is an “on time God” which is almost never to be an on our time God. So I wait and I pray and I hope and I keep the faith….and I smile. Won’t you join me in “the wait?” ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying thanks for waiting on me to write this blog?

Today is Valentine’s Day 2016 and I can’t help but remember where I was this time last year. I woke up that morning with you and before I part with those memories, I would like to write my last love letter to you my dear ex factor. For 5 years and 3 months I loved you and only you. We met when I was 29 and you were 20. Though the odds were always against us…I took the risk and I loved you with all of me. I could see us being married and my stomach growing with your seeds. Though at times the weight gain and swelling of my feet made me sad, I would touch my belly and remember that I did it all for you and our family. I loved you enough to dream up a life I never dared to dream prior to you. I could see our three children running around the house with our three dogs. I could feel things I’ve never felt before. Even though I still have a love/hate relationship with you, I want you to know that YOU WERE LOVED! From the sparkle in your brown eyes to the smile on your face…I loved every inch of you. Even when you crushed my spirit, I loved you enough not to hurt you back. Although we have parted ways and have moved on…I couldn’t resist writing this final love letter. You are the risk I sometimes regret taking but in the same breath am happy I took. I miss your easy laughter and days of lovemaking. I miss all our nights at our favorite place. I miss all the sweet conversations we had in the hot tubs. We watched so many movies together. I miss making out with you like teenagers in the movie theaters. I miss all the days and nights we hung out by the Tappan Zee bridge. I miss days turning into nights which turned into mornings. I miss you and pray that things are going well for you. My love for you will forever make me angry and cause me to smile in the same moment. The life we will never have will forever saddened me but at least we both finally have a chance to find a love we can finally believe in…in other people. Thank you for the kind moments and soft kisses. Thank you for teaching me how to love…when I was not loved in return. Thank you, dear ex factor, for I’m now free to love and be loved. With all the love I once had in my heart for you, Kingston. ~KJM on this Valentine’s Day Sunday!

I don’t know what’s in the air but lately I’ve been second guessing myself. Elijah, out of all my men, has his shit together and can talk about the future without breaking into sweats. He’s also the first MAN I’ve dated. Spent so much time with boys that it didn’t occur to me that real single men exist. I’ve one main concern about him which I will keep private because it’s really between he and I. Last night, I was up talking to Willow about him and she gave me some good advice though I’m not sure I’m ready to take it. That Willow is always a champion of love! I envy the Pisces woman’s ability to make loving a man look like strength instead of weakness. While the Gemini woman struggles to be vulnerable, the Pisces woman makes it look like the thing to do! That’s why they balance us out so well! Did you guys know that relationships take lots of work?! It’s exhausting at times but when I think of where I’ve been I’m so happy with where I currently am! Amen! Still my past haunts me. There were early warning signs for many of the issues that ended my longest relationships. The ex factor blindsided me with a few until I was deeply in love with him but in general the things that separated us did rear their ugly heads the first 6 months into this situationship. Julio was a mess from the jump but like most women in my family, l held onto the first man I slept with because it was tradition to keep him around and then marry him. Thank goodness for growing up in the U.S. Had it not been for my education, violent upbringing (sad to give that any credit but knowledge is power), and my need to be independent, Julio’s controlling, unsupportive, and disrespectful ways might have gone unnoticed and I may have really married that fool! Shout out to the GREAT Pennsylvania State University for giving me an education and my freedom! WE ARE! PENN STATE! Julio always said that was his breaking point…when I chose to go to a great school out of state! I’ve no regrets about choosing Penn State over Julio! I will always love PSU, while for almost a decade I’ve been screaming, “Julio who?!” If there are any young women out there…trying to decide between a boy and their education…choose your education!!!! There is freedom in learning. No man can ever take that away from you. ?? Back to the issue at hand, warning signs. It haunts me the amount of them that I overlooked with Julio and the ex factor. That’s almost 19 wasted years! I cringe just thinking about it. To all the young women reading this blog, please pay attention to early warning signs in your relationships. Pay attention to deal breakers and moments when you feel you have compromised yourself. Please remember though…there is a thin line between warning signs and looking for signs. They always say if you go looking for trouble, you will find it. Fight the urge to sabotage your own happiness. I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out with Elijah….am I seeing a warning sign/deal breaker or did Julio’s negative phone call from last week….have me looking for trouble? I’m trying so hard to not breathe negativity and just love. All I can do is follow my gut. Stay tuned….~KJM on Flashback Friday saying we all deserve happiness. Before we sabotage it, let’s learn the difference between a warning sign and looking for issues. The struggle is real….