Sins Of The Past Part II (For Generations To Come)

So much lies in our past. From the way we grew up to the way we first fell in and out of love, the past can explain present struggles. Lately Elijah will say negative things (unbeknownst to him) that triggers things Julio directly said to me and things the ex factor indirectly and passive aggressively expressed. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or because I’m so scarred that my past seems to be nipping at my heels. Elijah and I are always having these power struggles just like I did with all the rest. Why must these men try to “tame the shrew?” Everyone is always trying to change me and mold me into something I can’t be…won’t be…and don’t want to be. I want to be in love yet maintain my individual identity. If I have a family, I don’t want to make them my whole world! I want to still belong to myself every step of the way. I was born who I was meant to be and I’m in love with that person…in all her rawness and talent. Why can’t these men feel the same about me? Starting with Julio, I’m always constantly being told I’m not good enough. When someone puts you down know it has very little to do with you and everything to do with them. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted children with Julio. I would never want my children to see their mother constantly being belittled everyday by their father. This thought led me to an even more deeper revelation about my past. I stayed with the ex factor for 5 years (on and off) not for what he could be to me but for what he could be to our children! Wait let me back it up…in case I’m losing you. My stance on children is if my future husband wants them, we will have them but if he doesn’t I’m cool with that too. I’ve always said I do not have a biological need to be pregnant. But once I consider seriously dating a man and he expresses he wants children, I try to envision if I could bless him with the biggest gift life has to offer. With Julio the answer was hell no and will always be so. I want him no where near my womb! For the ex factor, I (for the first time in my life) could see our three children. I could see him being a great father and that coupled with his 26 year old young sperm would allow us to have a beautiful big family. The ex factor, from what I hear from my sister Brenda, was raised by two wonderful and loving parents. Everyone in his family pitches in for the greater good of the family as a whole. So I stayed for 5 years and 3 months for my children! That thought alone comforts me to no end on why I would allow myself to be treated terribly by the ex factor. While having children is not a must for me…the moment I could envision them with a man….it’s my job as their future mother to protect them even before conception. Ladies, please keep that in mind! It’s our job to protect our wombs even before conception! I was once told by an older woman who was on her second marriage that you never know a man until you have children for him. He could spend 10 years loving you and doting on you but once children are born that same man may walk away from his own DNA as if they were complete strangers! Ouch! Because Papa Michaels has been an imperfect loving, caring, and active father, I would want my children to have the same! There were no gender roles in my house. Whatever parent was home took care of the children. Papa Michaels was the most efficient parent. I grew up with him ironing my uniforms (that’s why I suck at ironing lol), making all my meals, and him setting my bedtime only to check on me to make sure I was actually sleeping. Both of my parents worked 12-16 hours a day to provide though my dad had a more flexible schedule. I asked Papa Michaels if he enjoyed being a none traditional active father and he said yes. He loved providing for his family and building his family up from the inside out! Oh my I’m so blessed to have him as my father! The love I see in his eyes for me…I don’t know if I will ever see such a thing in anyone else. And maybe that’s why me and my womb have a hard time committing! I know there is no such thing as perfection but I want something damn close! For all his faults as a husband, Papa Michaels is one hell of a father. After all, he raised me! ?? My friend, Grace, recently told me that when you are an independent woman with no kids and have a career, men know you can afford to be picky. With that being said, what made me stay with one man (the future of my children) may be the same reason I can leave one without batting an eye. I have no plans of giving up my independence and becoming barefoot and pregnant! Fuck that! So if Elijah really loves me…it’s my womb he needs to impress. A dick can’t impress my womb and neither does a man who can provide since I can provide for myself. He needs to come correct and prove to me that he’s worth me blessing him with generations to come! ?? Sins of the past can tell us so much about our present and possibly our future. My future is worth being picky about. My womb is still worth protecting. I will hold out until it feels close to perfect. And if it never does….it was all worth the risk to either give my future children an amazing father or keep them safe and sound in my womb and let my siblings carry on the Michaels name! ~KJM on Charm School Monday