Kingston Expressions

Here I am blogging on a Sunday again! I haven’t given up on Serenity Saturdays….I promise! It’s just lately my most relaxing days have been Sundays while Saturdays are filled with running errands. Soon Serenity Saturdays will be back and I will be feeling…serene again?! Today I want to talk about my relationship triggers…the things that invite me to do bad things. As the Ex Factor and I STRUGGLE to build the communication we never had these last 6 years, I feel the old Kingston creeping back up. Yikes. This week I was vacationing half way around the country and I manage to stay connected to the Ex Factor. We text and FaceTime. Now that I’m back and it’s the weekend…he struggles to remember to stay connected to me. And the worst part is I honestly think he doesn’t get it. When I hit a wall like this…I get the urge to leave him where the fuck I found him…by his damn self! I’m like Papa Michaels when he was raising us kids…he only spoke once and we hopped to it! He did not like to make a request a second time and actually never did. We listened! That’s where I get it from. I only like to explain something to the Ex Factor ONCE and if he doesn’t get it right away…my I’m leaving you for the zillionth time fever comes back! The crazy thing is I’ve never been big on patience with anyone! Julio and I only survived for so long because when we had any arguments (whether we were teenagers or adults) he would call me around 2am (he said I was nicer when I was half asleep) and make me talk it out. I’m use to the guy having SLIGHTLY better communication skills than me…that is until Elijah! Ugh but I digress! I’m not sure what the Ex Factor’s communication skills are like because we never tried communicating before! Don’t laugh! True story! But I know he’s open and he will listen. He may not get it but he will try his best to listen. It’s all about what I am vulnerable enough to share! VULNERABLE! Just saying that word makes me want to throw up! That’s the one task that most of my married female friends have mastered that I haven’t! I feel like they taught patience, vulnerability, trust, and love all in one day in college and I fucking missed it! Maybe I was sick?! I was a rebel even back then so maybe I chose to miss it?! Well ever since I’m paying for it. Back to the triggers! When I see the relationships my friends have (male and female) it works for them but not one of them embodies what I’m looking for. I hated how Elijah was controlling and wanted to know my every move (and how much of MY money I was spending)! I checks in with no man! However, I did give the Ex Factor a heads up on my random solo vacation out of courtesy but also to let his ass know…I’m never going to be the I wait at home for you chick! At least I don’t intend to be! Now you see why I haven’t jumped into marriage and a family?! I have to tread lightly and pray all the way! Because if I didn’t believe Jesus was a fence….there’s no way I could have made it this far! Amen! Two schools of thought run in my mind and of course they are coming from Old Kingston: 1. Maybe I was right. I’m not his ONE because basic stuff shouldn’t be so difficult right?! And 2. Maybe we are both so afraid of letting go of our single selves that even if love beat us over the head, we aren’t going to abandon our single selves which still leaves us not belonging together! I just don’t know. But I feel old Kingston creeping back up and I’m not sure how long I can control her! When I feel neglected, I always keep another man on the side. It’s been a habit of mine since I met Julio at age 15. For every text or call that Julio or anyone didn’t make…another dude happily made it. For every date Julio forgot, couldn’t make, canceled, or left early…there was another guy there to fill in. That’s how I stayed with Julio on and off for over 10 years! I had Phoenix and the crew to keep me company. Don’t forget Phoenix has been around since 2004! And for the first time since Phoenix and I had that falling out about the $1,500 engagement ring that Elijah suggested….I ALMOST text Phoenix around 3am Friday night into Saturday. Instead I text the Ex Factor that I felt like I’m cut out of his life. I’m not around his friends and family and he’s not around mine! 99% of my friends don’t live in this area and as for family….he knows Junior and Brenda…but won’t be meeting Daddy until we get our shit together! Julio is the only guy my father has officially met as my boyfriend and boy I have some regrets about that! Some of Julio’s family members were terrible to me and that stays with me until this day! But we met when we were 15 and 16 years old so it’s hard to keep your first love from your parents. At 20 and 29, the Ex Factor and I met and immediately put up those boundaries. I know what my reason for it was…we weren’t seriously dating and I’m sure that was his reason too! I never meant to date him pass summer 2010. I never meant to fall in love with him. The plan was to work things out with Julio but the love I developed in summer 2010 with the Ex Factor was deeper and stronger than I had ever felt. And I never saw it coming or I would have blocked it and ran! So now it is 6 years later and we are still trying…but those old scars are still there. Scars of neglect, abandonment, and lack of love. I definitely don’t want to be at every family function or every damn place the Ex Factor is and I sure don’t want him every where I am! I need ME time on top of ME time! So close to booking another vacation now! But I want a sense of we are finding a balance. Now I can’t control him….controlling old Kingston is a full time job in itself! I’m filled with insecurities, lack of patience, bad thoughts, fears, jealousy, and trust issues! I keep telling the new Kingston that neither the new nor the old Kingston ever had an issue meeting a new man but no matter how good looking they are or how much money they have…they are not who I love. They are a symptom of a bigger issue. A temptation. A distraction. They are reminders that I’m afraid to grow and fully give over my heart. Even if my heart gets broken with the Ex Factor…if I don’t take this risk and learn to love even when I’m not feeling love in return…I will be good to no one but myself! I hope now more than ever you understand why there was always a Phoenix. He’s someone I am attracted to (mentally and physically) but no one that I ever had a fear of falling in love with. Phoenix was my safety net and even times when we were both single and he wondered why I never wanted more…it’s because I knew he wasn’t for me….because I felt safe with him. Not safe and loved but safe and like….I can hide here! Lol. With Phoenix, I could say and do as I pleased with no fear of losing him! I could be as ignorant as I wanted to be with no fears of repercussions! He’s been a different type of ride or die and I’m grateful I had him during some of the tough moments with Julio AND the Ex Factor. Phoenix always made me feel wanted but that’s because that was his ONLY job! All he had to do was provide what the others weren’t but even as he did that flawlessly…those missing pieces weren’t ever enough to make me want to stay with him! And in essence those missing pieces shouldn’t make me want to easily leave the love of my life (the Ex Factor) either. ??~KJM mulling over some thoughts and fighting old Kingston on this very hot summer Sunday? 

I think I’ve finally figured it out. My issue with any kind of commitment to another human being. It is socially accepted…even expected (especially for women) that you must lose yourself to be fully committed to someone else besides yourself. By the end of this blog, you are probably going to think I’m the most selfish person alive and it will sum up why I’ve chosen to not marry as of yet. In times of great destruction and despair, the only person I could depend on to come to my rescue was myself and my God! I put no faith in another human being. It’s not their job to save me…even if I am their spouse. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS! And there is no parts of me that I want to give up for marriage and family. Now hear me out. Why do you think some folks are so angry during a divorce?! Amongst other reasons, one of the common ones I’ve heard time and time again is a loss of self! We sometimes blame our now dead beat spouse for the loss of our beautiful, happy, and vibrant self. Essentially…our young self. That person snatched it from us and we became buried in being the most perfect spouse and parent while the other person (typically the man) got to hang on to himself. Society does not expect nor require a man to give up a damn thing when becoming a father. Mothers are expected to leave early from work (or not work at all) so that they can make every recital and/or sporting event. Wives and mothers are expected to leave behind their old selves…forget who they are…sacrifice everything…while our male counterparts remain young and fresh. He essentially remains himself! Now this is my theory. You just don’t have to buy it. This is the reason why I run from commitment! I never want to forget me. I’ve never meshed into any man…romantically. Even the Ex Factor. I’ve never put a single one of my needs on the back burner for his needs. Nor do I expect him to do so for me. We are still growing and I’m praying that if and when sacrifices are to be made…we equally do it…putting all gender roles aside! You may be laughing at me and saying that’s impossible but if you have been reading my blogs from the beginning…you will understand that my upbringing wasn’t perfect but this is ONE OF THE AREAS WE HIT PERFECTION IN! I have a very active and loving father! Shout out to Papa Michaels! He still makes my meals to this day! ?? Yea I’m spoiled and I know it but don’t you digress. Focus on the issue at hand. Why should I forget myself? Why should I let myself go? Why should I walk around telling people that leaving the old me behind was well worth it! Lies I tell you! Pure lies! The me that showed up every time my life was falling apart is a very dependable and loyal me! That ME is a rebel! I don’t want to just give her away for the things society tells me I should. Why can’t I keep the amazing parts of her and not neglect her while building a marriage (and maybe family). That’s why I run from commitment because I’m not ready to lose me! In a way, I’m realizing the Ex Factor and I are perfect for each other. If I had settled for Julio, I would have been barefoot, pregnant, depressed, and then divorced! The key to MY happiness is loving freely and openly while holding onto my beautiful self! With this thought in mind, it dawned on me that I could only love…like truly love…a younger man!?? I’m not ready for half the things my friends have embarked on. I love my mani/pedi days! I love my solo trips (wrapping up one as we speak). I love loving the Ex Factor yet feeling like he steals nothing from my identity! ?? I love that one day I may be Mrs Ex Factor but that still won’t be as HOT as Ms Kingston Jael Michaels!? Yasss honey! And for now (and I pray forever)….the Ex Factor has clearly said he’s not going to try to change me. So another light just shined on me! Maybe I should stop trying to change him. Yea we are far from being a serious couple (I’m guessing my 50th and my engagement will be on the same day! Lol) and yes we aren’t the most romantic couple. We neglect each other sometimes. We are both emotionally deficient and I’m sure marriage and a family for us will be reality tv worthy (hoping it’s more of a family values show and not love and hip hop part xxl) but I digress…we are who we are meant to be. Our strongest relationships are still with ourselves! If we can remember that every time the road gets bumpy…we may just make it. For I truly believe that two people with a deep sense of self, who focus on not just the destination but the process of the journey, who actively make sure the sacrifices are as equal as can be…just may find happiness even when life changes and it’s not just them anymore! We can only give what we have found in ourselves. If I am depleted…I will have nothing left to give.??~KJM on Flashback Friday saying remember to be kind to yourselves every step of the way!? 

Now I know I’m going to get a lot of side eyes for this one. And Auntie Kingston has definitely gotten to a new level of asshole-ism with this blog but it must be said. It’s Throwback Thursday and I want to take y’all on an ignorant blast from the past called what the fuck ever happened to my biological clock?! Now Auntie Kingston loves the kids and if you recall, I helped raise my sister Brenda for 6 years of my life (not by choice) but I digress. I met Julio at 15 years old. He was always a family man…even as a teenager. I told him marriage may be possible one day but kids were a HELL NO! Flash forward 20 years later and I still feel just as strongly about not having children. Now the game changer is the Ex Factor. I truly love him so the wife and mother that I never dreamed of being…I would be just for him. I love children…I know I can raise them…but I’m still so in love with myself that they seem like a hassle more than a benefit. Now hear me out. My mother was not meant for motherhood…her mother wasn’t…her mother’s mother wasn’t and so on. So it may be a DNA thing. Coincidentally, Junior is obsessed with the thought of having children and Brenda is still on the it remains to be seen tip. Maybe it’s a female DNA issue in my family?! To my knowledge, no woman in my family has ever had an honest and open relationship with herself prior to getting married and having children. I AM THE FIRST! Even being a girlfriend…does not come easily to me. Some women are all about babying their men. Not me. I’m definitely trying to learn a balance because of how much I love the Ex Factor. Good thing about him is he is really self sufficient and hardly complains so he doesn’t need much attention. I’ve learned to dote on him especially when he’s not feeling well. But back to the issue at hand. In my 20 years of dating, I have always been my first priority. Told you I could have been married 3 times but I would have been divorced 3 times too. I know myself just that well. Only a man I truly love could make me want to learn how to be a wife and mother. When I’ve dated other guys and marriage and family came up…I negotiated like I do a business deal. One child and a decent engagement ring is the typical package I offer. ? With the Ex Factor those rules don’t apply. Sky’s the limit but it doesn’t mean I’m all happy go lucky to be a wife and mom! Babies scare me! Like I have to breastfeed everyday and make them the center on my universe?! Da fuck?! I believe if my mom and all the women in her family had had a honest conversation with themselves and had been feminists…not one of them would have had kids. Back in the day…a woman’s worth was based upon her ability to reproduce! In the times I grew up in…I had options…so I fucking utilized them! I went to school and I built not one but two careers for myself (still growing them both). I’m only married to my careers because it’s in me to do so. I truly believe I can do anything I put my mind too but that doesn’t mean things like motherhood and wifehood will come easy to me. I see a baby and I smile but no parts of me wants to biologically have one!!!! I believe children are a blessing but for those who are destined to have them! GOD is still writing my story and I have no clue where HE will take me. HE’s already given me a love deeper than even I could expect (referring to myself first and then the Ex Factor). I want HIM to write my story…not me. So as the years go on….I wait for the ticking but I hear silence. Grace tells me I have a clock but I ignore it. Is that even possible?! In my mind, I picture my biological clock rolling under a truck….the truck rolls over it then reverses and rolls over it again! Jesus be a fence! Then the pieces are all over I95….scattered all over the US and even become international. That’s how I view my clock. Lol. There may come a day when the Ex Factor will ask for children and his wish shall be my command. However, not before I spend a year bringing home a different pet each time he asks for children. I shall start with a puppy because he loves those. Then I will literally pull a rabbit out of a hat! Right after I get the monkey and just before I purchase the alligator…our first set of twins shall be born. Sigh….I was never meant to be a domestic goddess but for some reason I feel like God has me on Comedy Central! Stay tuned…~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying where is my biological clock?! Have you seen it?! 

It’s Sunday and I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend! As you know, I rarely drop a blog on Sundays. It’s generally my day for resting my thoughts. I wanted to write yesterday but I spent the entire day pampering myself in big and small ways. It was my first day off in weeks and I just focused in on me. Of course it felt great to be the center of my own universe. I learned something very powerful about myself and I couldn’t wait to share it. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me in so many ways. I get to first hand see…on paper…areas I’ve grown and areas I need to work on. This is an area I need to work on blog. Just in case you have the same issue, please go grab a pen and a piece of paper. We have work to do. If you use to have this issue…please write in and let me know how you overcame it. Like I said from the beginning…I cannot do any of this alone. I believe it takes a small strong village to love a man from here to eternity and have a healthy relationship…especially when he was the one to create some of your hurts. Now let’s go back to the beginning of this weekend and see how I learned I have the wrong great expectations for the Ex Factor and I. I’ve been working (my day job) to meet a deadline for almost two months and in that time I started working 7 days a week. This weekend I was suppose to work but I met my deadline Friday evening. During this hectic time, the Ex Factor and I struggled to find time for each other. We spent time when we could and FaceTime when we couldn’t but we kept on communicating which is a good thing for us. I have to admit I’ve been on edge and extra emotional. Working long hours only increased that feeling of “I’m about to lose it.” Still we made it through okay. He came to see me Wednesday when I had had a terrible day at work. And he made my day. The few hours…we got to spend…we laughed and cuddled as I was reminded of why I chose him 6 years ago. Now it’s Friday and I have the entire weekend to myself. So I hit the Ex Factor up and told him if he didn’t already have plans…lets do the weekend big. Unbeknownst to me…I was setting another trap for him. He already had plans with his friends…with dating younger their friends always have so much weight and influence in their lives. Ugh. I typically would not break plans with friends for him because I don’t believe in leaving your friends for a man! Your friends hold you down when your universe gets blown to pieces by said man. But I digress…slightly. In the last 35 days, we’ve barely seen each other. Granted a huge part of it was I was working too hard for my “40 acres and a mule” and pulling 70 hour work weeks. So part of me expected him to drop what he was doing because I was now free! Yea big mistake. He went on about his life and I held onto my pride and ego and went about my life. I cried Friday night as I slept because we had just discussed last week (when he went away with friends and family) him not making me feel like a backup plan, second best, or an option. No way I was going to have that conversation twice so I let it go and continued with my life. The thing is…with every tear I dropped…I felt the old Kingston coming back and that ain’t good. The old Kingston got her needs met by any means necessary. If one man didn’t have time for her…she has no problems dialing one that does. I almost text Elijah! NOW PAUSE FOR A MINUTE! I wasn’t going to text Elijah to mess with his head. I really don’t want him in any shape nor form. I’ve already explained that he shot himself in the foot long before the Ex Factor came back into my life. Elijah had 8 months (even after I broke things off) to fight for us and he didn’t. He had 8 months to win my love, earn my trust, and be the type of man I need. But instead Elijah was focused on controlling me and arguing with me every step of the way. I got tired of that shit and ended it. I’ve no regrets about showing Elijah the door. His selfish ass should have met me on the subway that night but by God’s design he didn’t…he wasn’t meant to…because he wasn’t the one for me. I’m grateful for that moment on NJ transit where I turned my black ass around and aborted my mission to go to Brooklyn in the middle of a bad storm to see Elijah. It was a defining moment for me. I had had enough! ?? Only love could make me turn myself into a fool and I didn’t love Elijah. But even foolish me would only be with a man who cared about my safety and happiness. Okay back to my latest lesson. So had I text Elijah…it would not have been to makeup and keep two men at one time like old Kingston would consider when feeling insecure about her current situationship. I had been debating if I should have a conversation with Elijah so that things are not awkward when I bump into him (probably at work). I didn’t text him for 3 reasons.

3. I really do loathe having any kind of conversation with Elijah. He would probably think any kind of communication brings hope for us…that’s how huge his ego is. ???

2. I really do not owe Elijah a got damn thing. When I was dating him and I would hear from the Ex Factor…I certainly did not explain anything to the Ex Factor…I ignored him and that’s the man I love. So Elijah ain’t special and does not need an update about my life. I believe when you are truly happy…updating your ex is the last thing you want to do. You want to just live life. Even with the bumps in the road, I’m still happier with the Ex Factor than any other man.

1. I could feel old Kingston coming back and I had to cut her off at the pass. I can never control the Ex Factor but I can control my damn self and not open up a can of worms that’s going to blow up in my face! I have been like this since I was 15 years old and the emotional and/or physical cheating never did work the fuck out for me so why go down a road I know for a fact doesn’t fucking work?! ?? Well now here comes the bigger revelation! I expect the Ex Factor to hurt me. I expect him to make me last in his life. I expect to have to keep two men at the same time in my life….one being a side piece like Phoenix who is there emotionally and sometimes physically when I feel abandoned! Old Kingston is a hot damn mess! I already know that this part of her has to go but letting go of ego and pride ain’t easy. I felt her creeping up and I had to stop her. So I cried it out then I woke up on Saturday and pampered myself. I even went out Saturday night with my family to a lounge and we had a great time. I was with Junior and my cousin, Katrina. Neither of them would ever let me do anything stupid not that I was about that life. But I digress…while I had a great Saturday and was starting to feel rested…I realized that I’m expecting us (the Ex Factor and I) not to make it. My faith in us died years ago and I really did lose all hope when I left him last September. I LOVE this man but pieces of me died throughout the years of trying to make it work. Those dead pieces don’t just blow away. Like you may have to glue yourself back together or try to grow new skin…whatever the fuck that means. So I did the only thing I could do…is put the old Kingston on pause and try to reevaluate my situation. When trying to make things work…I can only work on me. If I don’t learn to make the Ex Factor the one man in my life (romantically) now…when will I? Stakes are high! We are the two most unlikely people. I’ve tried to fall for others, start over with someone else even if I knew no love could grow there, and I’ve tried running. I’ve ran so much that my track shoes got holes in them! I’m exhausted from trying to get around the problem instead of working through it. But I just don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m self sufficient and am a loner when I want to be. Being alone is my comfort zone (believe it or not). I’ve had many years of being single by choice and single when dating and in love. The worst loneliness is when you love someone and they are just not there for you. That neglect is too much to bare and I’ve been there many times before with the Ex Factor. I’m ashamed to even tell my friends that I’m trying to make it work with him. But truth be told it’s our business and no one else’s. I…think…for me…this is all ego and pride. Old Kingston feels justified in every bad thing she ever did. Old Kingston feels like leaving him many times was her only option because she is no man’s fool. Old Kingston cried about the love she wasn’t receiving from the Ex Factor without considering the kind of love she was giving because it sure wasn’t a patient and kind love. Old Kingston wanted to be done with the Ex Factor in September 2015. Old Kingston is on the “I woman! Hear me roar!” tip without realizing not every moment deserves a roar. Old and new Kingston are terrified of getting hurt. So what I’ve learned is old habits are so hard to die. How do I give more love and understanding without worrying about what I will receive in return? How do I join millions of women (and probably men) and let go of the shame of past mistakes (both of ours). How do I let go of ego and pride? How can I communicate to the Ex Factor (in a healthy way) when Old Kingston is creeping up? How can I forgive myself for being human? How can I forgive myself for loving a man when teenage me swore off love for life? How can I? How can I? How can I ease the pain and not travel with it every where I go? How can I learn not to be a self fulfilling prophecy? How can I let the Ex Factor know I need him without feeling like I’ve lost my independence? How can I love freely and openly? If you recall, when Elijah and I were in trouble…I went to him and boldly told him about Phoenix and the purpose he serves in my life (though I’m sure that chapter is closed and well deserved at that)?! How can I learn that my level of commitment shouldn’t be based on the Ex Factor’s? I will never learn to love AND be faithful to any man if I base my love on how much I thought he was giving me! Why can’t I be like some of my wives friends who make being in love look like strength? Shout out to Willow, Grace, and Toi! How can I stop expecting the Ex Factor to fail me and me expecting to leave him again? How…can…I? Ugh I’m exhausted. ~KJM saying I really do want to do better but my love DNA reads 1st Corinthians ch 13 as if it’s a fairytale and could never be true. How can I embody the healthy love I want to give and receive?

If you have been following this blog from the beginning…you know first hand that I’m a hot mess! There were times I was heart broken and angry at the Ex Factor. Then there were times I tried to settle and make things work with Elijah…but no matter what…I did things MY way. It took dating Elijah to make me realize that I was 50% to blame for all the heartache I endured with the Ex Factor. Instead of communicating…I shut down on him and then I ran. Whether it was to an ugly guy that tossed a good salad or controlling Elijah. I’m finally done running. But the thing is I couldn’t have gotten to this point with the Ex Factor if I didn’t make lots of fucking mistakes! Elijah taught me how to be PATIENT and to accept the Ex Factor for who he was. I love him more today because of all the mistakes made along the way. The road is never easy but I love more freely now than when I was trying to do everything the right way and by my principles. So I’m grateful for the time we spent apart because I believe….especially the Elijah experience…will make me a better spouse. I created a lot of dramas in my head and some I really lived! At the end of the day, I’m always going to choose the Ex Factor. So what I have learned is when the bumps in the road come…hold on and get ready to ride it out. There’s no one else in the world I want to love, dislike, love even deeper, and then grow with like the Ex Factor. I’m in it for however long God has it in His design for us to be together. And I’m sure there will be more tears but I’m also sure there will be even more laughter. That laughter with the one I truly love is what I’m living for. Love you baby!? And thanks for being strong enough to always come get me from the depths of hell that I’ve placed myself in. Strength and patience with a touch of faith is what I need in a man. And now I have it! ~KJM giving you a taste of the present on Flashback Friday!? 

I WILL NOT COMPARE MY LIFE TO OTHERS. I will be perfectly happy with who I am and where I am in life. I will not let other people set my limitations. I no longer believe in limitations. Every morning I will rise with love in my heart and hope in my eyes. I will sing…off tune. I will dance…thankfully on beat. And when I grow tired…off beat I shall be with faith in each movement I make. You and I are a mess separately but together we are a perfect pair of madness. I will be grateful for the madness and the intense moments for they awakened my spirit and my heart. I will have faith in you…my home…my heart. I will have faith in myself. And I will have faith in us. Broken…I am no longer broken. I will heal myself with the Lord’s blessings. I won’t give up on my dreams. And when the difficult days come, I will dream bigger because it is in my destiny to do so. HE did not create me to be average. I will walk into my purpose faithfully. Never questioning the winds and the tides. I shall let the waves crash around me with no fear of drowning. And I will BREATHE life…even in spirit breaking moments. I will love you for all the days of my life. I won’t give up on you. I will stop comparing us to others. I will accept that our picture isn’t perfect and I will allow us room for error. I will be patient with you and…myself. I will turn our failures into victories and we shall build an empire from all the learned lessons. And I will find FREEDOM in knowing that this journey was created just for me!??And I will thank GOD for it!??~KJM on Charm School Monday aka the 4th of July…saying there is purpose and freedom in being our true selves. Do not be afraid to embrace it!? 

Serenity and peace cannot be found when we try to control the universe. I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. The “unexpected small bump in the road” from earlier this week…unbeknownst to me at the time…was created by…ME! Sigh…starting over with someone you tried to make it work with is not easy. There I am in my car purposely looking for other cars that are getting too close to me….so that I can block them before I even know if they are really trying to crash into me! I accidentally laid an emotional trap for the Ex Factor and I’m the one that suffered for it. I’m going against everything I stand for by letting my heart rule instead of my mind. Every now and then my mind gets in the driver’s seat and gets me into trouble. I have to TRUST that he is trying and I have to TRUST that he will be good to me. It’s crazy because my brother,Junior, has this unwavering faith in the Ex Factor and I. Junior often tells me to fall back and have faith. I’m not sure I even know how to do that. I didn’t have these trust issues with Elijah because we had no history together so I could easily see where it was going with very little fear. And when it wasn’t working, I could easily walk away knowing that he wasn’t my home. The Ex Factor and I are on another level. To love him…to hate him…only to love him again….he is my heart string. Hurting him will hurt me ten times more. Learned that the hard way too over the last 6 years. Sigh…I hope y’all realize that I’m a work in progress too! It’s a day to day process….living, laughing, and loving. And I’m really trying not to be that frightened driver just learning to drive again after a terrible accident. I want to take road trips and be able to let the breeze run through my hair with a sense of feeling happy and with the ability to soak up life. I want to be able to love freely without fear. And I need to continue to believe God is in control. HIS plan is far greater than mine. So I need to relax and not create the small bumps in the road. If I continue to create these bumps I will block my own blessings! And you know how I feel about that! Time to just breathe and relax. That’s true serenity! FYI if you are wondering why I still blog about the Ex Factor even though he is now my present…it’s because this blog started with me transitioning from him, venturing out…only to figure out I love him more now than ever. It wasn’t an easy decision and I’m not sure how he will feel about these blogs but I just couldn’t leave you guys hanging! So you are still on this ride with me. Though I’m careful to not reveal what the bumps in the road are. After all…it is OUR road and some parts of the journey should just belong to us. Be patient with me. I’m terrified and I’m a mess but is it ever easy to hand over your entire heart to someone? To my great love, I say “ Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady.” ~KJM taking a breath on Serenity Saturday. Shout out to Junior, Willow, Grace, and Toi for being there when I indicted I needed to be uplifted. My village is tiny but as I’ve said before I can’t do this alone! Peace, love, and blessings to you all on this 4th of July weekend!? 

I…I knew it would happen but I was hoping later rather than sooner. And so the Ex Factor and I hit our first small bump in the road. I didn’t really see it coming but there I was shutting down and him sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what had upset me. The thing about trying to heal with the same person that broke your heart is it’s never an easy process. It’s like being in a car accident and surviving only to get back into your fixed car while trying to learn to trust the roads and other cars around you. If just one car gets too close…you flinch! Not because you are purposely holding on to the accident but because we are human beings and even if the mind wanted to forget…it still has the ability to signal other parts of your body to respond when faced with a painful memory. You following? So I’m in that car and two days ago another car came too close and suddenly there I was…reliving my broken and bruised self. I felt so disappointed in myself for crying about it. Numbness is my place of comfort. I like to not feel and just easily move pass things but that’s just not the case when I truly love a man. Sigh…so I’m here…trying to get over the small bump without running. I don’t think the Ex Factor knows he’s doing it. He lives day to day never choosing me…never keeping my feelings in mind. Part of loving someone, I believe, is learning to make them a priority in all you do. I feel like basketball, friends, family (well this I expect because family is forever), or even a random backyard barbecue that a friend of a friend is having is more important than me. This has been the main reason why I’ve left him so many times. He has never chosen me and I got so tired of choosing someone who I felt would never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved. I am a second or even worst…a last thought. And that pain I carried with me for the last 6 years. Even Julio (first love) tried to choose me at different points of the last 19 years we have known each other but I no longer wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted to take the risk that there was a greater and deeper love out there for me. I took the risk that it was possible for my heart to live outside my body. I had never felt it beat outside but I had to believe that a GREAT love could make it happen so I TOOK THE RISK and even though at times it’s been spirit crushing and heartbreaking…that risk was worth it. No one should settle for someone. LOVE should be worth the risk. And so I’m here riding over the familiar yet unexpected small bump in the road. I find myself shutting down. I find myself choking back tears. I find myself doubting us. But I promised myself I would see this through until I could go no further. Many times before I thought I hit that point of no return but what I’ve found is my love for the Ex Factor is greater and more powerful than even I imagined. I’m trying to live and breathe 1st Corinthians Ch 13…while a beautiful passage….it’s also one of the most difficult to embody!?? And so I’m trying to do what Grace suggested…love the Ex Factor harder during the difficult times. Boy that’s not easy but the best I’ve done is not run. I didn’t sleep the night before. Thankfully I was able to wake my brother Junior up and Willow text me just when I needed her to. Then I heard from Grace around 5am. They say it takes a village to raise a child (true)…but it also takes a small yet strong village to help support a relationship. It’s always good to have impartial people that are rooting for you both that will keep telling you to go back to the drawing board. So grateful for all my friends who reached out yesterday. I said it before…I can’t do this alone. I’m not built to. So back to this small bump in the road. I had not been sleeping and knew I needed to get some sleep last night. So I did the only thing I could. Talk to the one person that I would believe when he says it will be okay…my father…Papa Michaels. My father and I can discuss almost any topic but love is an odd one for us. He’s never known me to say I was in love. And so we chatted for two hours…during which my daddy had many questions for me. He said it seemed like the Ex Factor and I were far apart…me in California…and the Ex Factor in Jersey. No truer words have ever been spoken. My dad definitely didn’t understand what we were doing but truth be told the Ex Factor and I haven’t decided on that. I’m working 7 days a week and I’m sure for him…he’s dreading all the deep uncomfortable conversations like I am! That’s why we sweep so much dirt under the rug. No one (not even me) wants to roll up ourselves and face reality. I would rather write love sonnets and dream but of course that’s not how I run this blog! My dad asked if we are so apart and I’ve always envisioned myself alone permanently (never grew up dreaming of my wedding day or a family) why even try with the Ex Factor? And I replied with what I’ve been waiting to tell my daddy the last 6 years…I am in love with the Ex Factor!? So that’s why I’m trying to ride out all the bumps in the road. And that daddy understood. He just wants me to be happy. And so I fell asleep last night for most of the night. Even when I would periodically awaken…I reminded myself that it would be okay. And just in case you are wondering…I still stand by what I’ve said in the other blogs: I see my life with him, the odds are against us, and I’m not quite sure I believe we can make it BUT since he’s still in my heart…I have to take the risk. And if I get my heart broken again…I will move forward singing: “And another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one You did not break me I’m still fighting for peace Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won’t see me fall apart ‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart I’ve got an elastic heart Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart” AND LIFE WILL STILL GO ON BEAUTIFULLY! ~KJM saying pray for us on Throwback Thursday!??