Kingston Expressions

I have been meaning to write you sooner but I am ashamed. Ashamed of what I’m about to blog about. Seems like there is no better day to share this than Serenity Saturday. In my last blog, “He Will Stand There And Watch Me (The I Am On My Own Edition),“ I mentioned that the Ex Factor and I had a terrible fight. I cried through writing that blog but knew there was something I was keeping for you. During the argument, I saw a side of myself emerge that I’ve never seen before when having a conflict with a CURRENT romantic partner! While I felt like the Ex Factor was hurting and disrespecting me, where I took the argument was humiliating for me. You see, I grew up in a home where the Michaels had no issue with cussing each other out in front of us children. I vowed never to call my romantic partner out of his name (to his face) and to never take things to the point of no return but after years of not doing that…the day came Wednesday night! Now let me be clear, ex romantic partners will get cussed out in a hot minute if they cross the line! But even with ending things with Julio and Elijah, I gave them more respect than I gave the Ex Factor! It’s ironic that I’m arguing with him about him disrespecting me (unbeknownst to him) and I decide to retaliate and disrespect him in an earth shattering way. The only time I’ve ever seen myself this mad (or more) is arguing with my immediate family! No man has ever been able to take me there. But as he remained calm and did not return the favor of calling me out my name….I wondered if he took me there or if I took my ass there! I am by no means a cake walk. Kingston is a hot tempered Jamaican woman. And I don’t fucking play! But if you remember what I said in my “Alpha Female” blog….a true Alpha Female does not purposely emasculate a man she cares about and that’s just what I did to the Ex Factor. It’s like the rage in me took over. The worst part is I discussed the argument with Mama Michaels, who generally loves that I am a strong woman, and I told her EVERYTHING I said to the Ex Factor. First, a look of horror came over her face and then she told me that there are certain things a woman must never say to the man in her life (even if true) because he may never recover from it…and that I said a couple of them!? It’s rare I ever talk to my parents about my personal life but this was one time I felt like I needed my mother. And thank goodness she was there! Then the tears started to flow! I am so embarrassed by my behavior!!! Now I won’t say the Ex Factor doesn’t have responsibility in this whole mess but my growth is dependent on learning from MY actions not his! He has to go to sleep at night living with his issues while I tackle mine! To paint you a graphic picture….I will give two examples of things never to say to a man that DOES NOT apply to this situation but gives you an idea of the level of shit that came out my mouth: 1. The child you have been raising is not yours and 2. I have been fucking your brother/best friend! ? Now none of these apply to us but the things I said are just as spirit crushing! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! The Ex Factor was hurting me but it’s like he was slowly cutting me and I opened up the firing squad on him! Not a proud moment for me at all!!! Even with all I said (more like screamed into the phone) the Ex Factor kept his calm and still wanted to work things out! I said I would think about it but once we hung up I text him that it was over!!! Then all hell broke loose part two! Was there a fucking full moon Wednesday night because I was on one and not in a good way!?I couldn’t stop! But after my “Iyanla Fix My Life” moment with my mother, I immediately sent a heartfelt apology to the Ex Factor. He is speaking to me but with each interaction I just want to cry about all that went down. Yes the Ex Factor has left me “naked and uncovered” emotionally (see blog with that title) but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t hold my head up high and handle each situation with class! I stepped outside of myself for sure! Only the people that mean the most to me could ever unleash this ugly side of me but dear God they deserve the most respect! Meeting disrespect for disrespect isn’t the way to go! I want a deeper commitment from the Ex Factor and he isn’t ready to give it!!! I think this side of me emerged because I have never wanted a deeper commitment from any guy!!! So in my mind, if I want it….I damn sure better get it! Smdh. Not my finest moment but I am holding myself accountable! Sigh….I am forever a work in progress! ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying never forget the golden rule: when you hurt someone you love…you hurt yourself ten times more. Pray for me!? 

Last night….really early this morning, I had the worst argument I’ve ever had with the Ex Factor. The conversation started innocently enough over text. I had been somewhat distant from the Ex Factor in the last week. Even though I spoke to him almost daily….I never told him I was off from my day job. Wait let me back it up a bit…prior to this conversation…yesterday afternoon I heard from Elijah…again! He sent me two messages and as usual neither of them said much. I’ve been read receipting him all summer…not to be mean but because Elijah is 39!!! If he has something serious he had to say to me..he could have picked up the phone and expressed himself. These little boy games of texting and what’s app messages all summer filled with Hi’s were just pure juvenile. This time, however, I asked Elijah why he was contacting me all these months and he instantly said he still “wanted me!” I got so fucking turned off! Not an I miss you nor an I love you (not that either of those phrases would change how I feel about him but at least I would have respected how he came at me). Even the Ex Factor’s young ass know better than to do such things. Who are raising these boys?! Because they sure the fuck come across as WEAK! Men, if you have something to say to a woman…and you have one chance to tell her…you better have more to say than what this fool had prepared! Does this shit work on other women?! Cause it left me dry! Dry! Dry! I replied to Elijah and told him I don’t want him and he ended the conversation rather abruptly! What’s wrong boo? Cat got your tongue? Feelings got hurt? Next time step to a woman…like a man! This is one of the few things I am sure of in life! I DO NOT WANT ELIJAH! ??Life is too short to go through shit with some man you don’t love….or even a man you do love and he don’t respect you! Back to the Ex Factor! As I’m writing this….I am bawling my eyes out. I LOVE HIM (the Ex Factor)! But early this morning….I had to take back my power from him and let him go!!! This blog is dedicated to all the women I know (and don’t know) that’s going through something similar! LET ME BEGIN: He will stand there and watch me give more love than he does. He will stand there and watch me as I sacrifice my inner peace for him. He will stand there and watch me fall apart time and time again…without ever trying to catch me. He will stand there and watch me as I raise our children with no help from him (whether we live together or not). He will stand there and watch me fight the world to preserve our love…with no help from him. He will stand there and make me feel like an option…in dating…and even when we are married. He will stand there and watch me cling to my sanity when life gets hard for our family yet not lend a true hand to be there for me. He will stand there and destroy me while convincing me that I am the one destroying myself! In a sense, he is right. I have to take some of the blame because I allowed him to stand on the sidelines of our life while making promises that I could be there for us even when he checked out! Not only did he check out but he broke every promise to me…and our family! Worst part is….I let him off the hook! I allowed him to STAND THERE AND WATCH me as I self destruct! I, with my actions, indirectly told him that his love was worth more than mine. That he is worth saving while I’m drowning! Speaking of drowning….did I mention that I can’t swim? I taught myself when I jumped in the ocean and he promised to come in after me…but never did! I am a survivor so you damn right that in midst of those waves…I taught myself to swim! Hell I can fly too…that I learned for my children! They should never have to pay for my mistakes. Mommy will swim AND fly….I’m not JESUS but I believe in HIM and I believe if need be…HE would teach me how to walk on water! Because GOD is always able….even in the most dire situations! GOD IS ABLE!?????? I want to say that I’m so surprised that he…just stood there and watched me. But there were signs…from the beginning, I’ve had to bend over backwards being super woman for us…sometimes forgetting myself in the process. Yea….he just stood there and watched me….and I let him…. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying we women…single and married…have to always set our standards high in our situationships and relationships. These men would run all over us and deplete us of everything if we didn’t stop sometimes and say….“motherfucker…not today!“✌?️ 

Happy Charm School Monday! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and managed to beat the heat! Randomly…I had a three day weekend in which I did myself a favor and stayed inside for most of the weekend. I am rested! And before this week’s work stress turns me into my normal crazy self…I’m helping you kick off your Monday just right! It seems here at Kingston Expressions we enjoy flashing back when it’s not actually flashback Friday! But as long as there’s a lesson to be learned…it’s worth going back in time when needed! Last night, Grace and I were talking about early January 2016 when Elijah unexpectedly ended one of our late night text conversations with the words “love you.” For the record, even then, I didn’t think Elijah was IN love with me but I figured he was trying to signal a change in our relationship. Maybe wanting to know where my feelings were as I was always holding back from the beginning. I saw the “love you” at around 10:30pm on January 10, 2016. Surprised and startled, I headed to bed without responding. The next morning at 4:27am, yes I know the exact time because I still have the “love you” screen shot photo on my phone, I text Nicole and Grace frantically! Like what did this mean? It had only been 3.5 months since we had been dating. And even that short time period had been filled with so much ups and downs. Elijah pumping the breaks in November…me pumping the breaks every other month! I knew I was not in love with him but when I dropped the news on Tiffany and she said that it was too soon for Elijah to be saying “love you”….I defended Elijah’s right to do so. No one knows the minute nor the hour someone falls in love but that person and God! But truth be told, in this case, Tiffany was right! I was scared shitless because this whole thing could blow up in my face and ruin my new romance! While I waited for Nicole and Grace to tell me how to respond….I did respond to Elijah in the morning by saying good morning and telling him I was on my way to work. He replied right away…mind you this was at 6am. So I knew he had been waiting for my reply since the night before! I never actually responded to the “love you” until maybe 2 weeks later. While trying to find the right words of what I wanted to say, I took a poll from my male and female friends. My female friends said there was a big difference between “I love you” and “love you.” The first signifies being IN love while the latter signifies having love for a person! This brought me some comfort. Like I cared about Elijah and wanted to work things out but I didn’t want this “love you” thing to set us back. The guys said there’s no difference for men! Love you is the same as I love you! The reason for this is both my brother and my best friend reminded me that men are simple creatures! No decent man would open up that Pandora’s box for shits and giggles! Matter of fact…men try to avoid those words all together especially if they don’t know if the woman loves them! Wow…men and women are so different! Come to think of it…I’ve used love you a few times and didn’t mean IN Love….with Crazy, with my college sweetheart though we both knew I didn’t mean it and he made me take it back, and you now know…with Elijah. Grace explained to me that I couldn’t leave him hanging on such a huge topic…no matter how he meant it! “Sometimes you have to use love as Jesus loves us and pray that love will come,” is what Grace suggested! She’s pretty wise and I didn’t want to lose Elijah so I returned the exact “love you” randomly two weeks later. On our next date night…I straight up asked Elijah if he meant what he said. First, he pretended not to know what I was referring to…then his eyes focused in on me (like he was trying to see into my soul) and then he got a huge smile on his face….and in that moment….he kissed me and that was the last of it. We never spoke about it again. I think…he just wanted to know that…I was with him…breathing him, living for him, and loving him in some capacity…in that very moment. I don’t think either one of us thought the other was IN love but we understood that we both wanted to move forward. Even though things didn’t work out with Elijah, I honestly tried my hardest with him. I’m not sure what he wanted and maybe he didn’t know either. So when I see him avoiding me when we are on mutual turf…I get so confused. I’ve always been cordial and professional. Very few people in our professional circle even know we dated. Our lives went on as if we never dated. It’s been 4 and a half months since I ended things with Elijah. I thought I gave him what he wanted….there’s no way he could truly love and care for me the way he treated me. He literally left me soaked in the rain and I could no longer fight for something that wasn’t meant to be. If we had been IN love…that would have been a different story. I would have replied to all his messages from this summer! But we weren’t IN love so all is lost. If we had been in love…his “hi and how are you’s” would have been enough for me to say lets work on it. But we weren’t IN love and since we were never friends…there seemed no reason to even respond to Elijah. He never poured his heart out in any of the messages! Instead…he sent out what I like to call…feelers. Like is she still interested? But he didn’t come for me like a man in love…ready to fight for us. And with his mature age and life experiences…he should have known that that’s what it would have taken to get some sort of response out of me! Before I go today…I do want to, however, say that Elijah taught me so much about myself. When it was just he and I…it was just us…a first for me. I was open and trying but it just seemed like we both needed something or someone else. I named him Elijah because he represented hope to me. I will never forget those walks and kisses in the rain. Will never forget his firm grip when he use to pull me close and kiss me. Won’t forget the few laughs we had. Mostly, I won’t forget the “love you” coming at a time I had already waited 5 and a half years for the man I truly loved, the Ex Factor, to say it to me! Elijah’s “love you” kept me going and surprisingly kept me open to the Ex Factor when he finally used those words in May. It remains to be seen how the Ex Factor meant it….~KJM on Charm School Monday saying I’m not sure what the proper response is to a “love you” too soon or an “I love you” too soon for that matter! Have a deep talk with your mind and your heart and then figure out how to proceed. I did what I thought was best at the time…