This morning I had the pleasure of reading a Cosmopolitan article titled “6 Signs You Are Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Man.” The 6 Signs were: 1. They’re Always (I Mean Always) Doing Their Own Thing; 2. They Avoid All Emotions; 3. They’re Always Looking For Faults; 4. They’re Always Holding Up A Shield; 5. They’re Scared To Show You Who They Really Are; and 6. He’s Rarely Satisfied. Now after reviewing these signs, I realized the Ex Factor is all of the above except 3 and 6. He’s really easy to please and easy to satisfy! The Ex Factor is always so patient with me and my antics! Here’s the BIG REVELATION though…I AM ALSO EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AND HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE DATING LIFE! As a matter of fact, the Ex Factor and I are equally emotionally unavailable in all the same numbers! We are 1, 2, 4, and 5! ?? So that’s why I’m attracted to him! My entire dating life, I’ve dealt with emotionally unavailable men (including Julio, Phoenix, and Elijah)! The thing is the Ex Factor is my exact type of emotionally unavailable guy…hence my ultimate attraction and desire for him! We are the same!!!! If you don’t believe me…check this shit out. Before Elijah dropped the “L” word, the last guy before him who told me he loved me…who was my friend/sort of lover (that’s for another blog discussion) AND wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him in Fall 2008 and to this day never picked up any of his calls!!! I have some regrets about how I handled that situation and a lot of what I go through in my dating life now…probably stems from some of that Karma! Ouch! Don’t worry…that dude, last I checked, was on his way to being happily married to a woman who could FEEL!?? I did him a favor…plus I wasn’t in love…more like lust mixed with deep intellect! ? But back to my hot ass mess of a life! I pressure the Ex Factor for a deeper commitment because I know it’s not in him to do it! All the other men that could commit, show emotions, AND had great communication skills (yea definitely not you Elijah)…I dump rather quickly or worst cheat on them then dump them! Ouch! Now hear me out…we are close to a break through! Hang on! Let’s analyze the 4 signs that I am emotionally unavailable…according to the Cosmo article. 1. I AM ALWAYS DOING MY OWN THING! This is so true! For example….this past weekend, while resting, I booked ALL my trips from September to January 2017! There is such freedom in saying…I want to go somewhere and I just book that ticket to go! And no the Ex Factor is not invited….nor has any guy I’ve ever been romantically involved with. They ALL weren’t invited to my vacations! I roll solo….even internationally! Just the thought of opening that door and inviting the Ex Factor in…scares the hell out of me. So there I am asking him to incorporate me more into his life and I can’t even do the FUCKING same! Like I get anxiety just thinking about him hanging out with me and my friends on an island. Before you are quick to say…that may be a sign he’s not the one…I went to many countries in Europe, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Barbados, and TWO islands in Hawaii without fucking Julio’s ass! There’s been no man that I’ve ever envisioned joining me on my journey! 2. I AVOID ALL EMOTIONS (except Anger)! My most comfortable emotion is anger! If I get to feeling hurt or sad…someone may get cut! Just joking of course!? But your house may get burned down too if you make me cry! Still joking! ? I HATE crying because that means something has devastated me to the core of my soul. My soul likes to just be chill! Please don’t bother it…with feelings!✌?️ 3. I AM ALWAYS HOLDING UP A SHIELD! Yass! I try to defend AND protect my heart, mind, body, and soul….even if in the process I block true love! I don’t want anyone to get through because they may fail me. I also try to avoid all conflicts by hiding my true feelings about a situation! Like why couldn’t I have told the Ex Factor to his face years ago that I love him and will try to see him through his mess if he would try to see me through mine?! Because I would have to be VULNERABLE! And that’s a no no for me! And 4. I AM SCARED TO SHOW HIM WHO I REALLY AM! The Ex Factor and I had two totally different upbringings. He’s been sheltered and I haven’t been naive since I was 5 years old! I grew up in a very violent manner…watching the women in my family get the shit beat out of them daily! Infidelity was second nature to the men AND women in my family! Shout out to the men who are raising children that aren’t really their’s but they don’t know it! Yikes! MESSY! ? All that violence and all that cheating…can you blame me for not laying with a man for too long? The battered women in my family (who were generally not the cheaters) stayed with these men and took every hit while still pledging their love and allegiance to these fools! NOT I! I always vowed to never be them but somewhere in my life created another unhealthy cycle…a Kingston who is emotionally unavailable and likes her life just that way! That’s why when my friends tell me that the Ex Factor is an unhealthy situation…they are FUCKING correct! But what they need to understand is that the Kingston who loves her friends and will stick by them is NOT the same Kingston in love and war! I’m brutal and I’m selfish at times. I step on whomever whenever the fuck I feel like. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to grow…I am but my growth is super slow for a woman my age. If some man (other than the Ex Factor) wanted to marry me and start a family right now…my ass would say hell no in a heartbeat! Perhaps I chose the Ex Factor because at 26 years old…he is my emotionless twin! He can’t/won’t give me much but I can give myself everything AND I DO! I can say I DO to MYSELF! Even if the Ex Factor woke up tomorrow and wanted to take things to the next level…we would have to move extra slow (as if we could get any fucking slower?)! I’m scared to chose one man and one life. I need adventure everyday! So maybe the Ex Factor is buying time until someone better comes along but I think because of my gender and age…it never occurred to anyone that I’m doing the same! It’s only in June 2016…that it occurred to me that that Ex Factor may be my one! And I’m still open to the fact that he may not be! But truth be told my 35 year old self is in love with a 26 year old man…and has been…for the last 6 years of my life! We are a fucking mess and my age leaves me feeling insecure because of this thing called a biological clock (still feel like I don’t have one but science says I do). We may never get our shit together and one of us could permanently leave the other but if you were given a choice of who you would want to waste time with….would it be mister perfect resume or the man you know is a mess but you are sure you love him?! There’s a risk in all we do but if you are gonna leap…it better be for someone that the feelings are real for!?? So we stand still in time…together…being emotionally unavailable! I get mad! I get sad! I get frustrated but truth be told if he had his shit together…I wouldn’t even be checking for him because I don’t have my shit together!?? Yea it all sounds like a therapy nightmare! Lol. I’m saving up for it! Trust and believe that! But my eyes are wide open as I take a leap of faith! Don’t expect your girl Kingston to get married and have children…anytime soon….if ever! However, if for some reason the Ex Factor and I become emotionally available to each other…I know we both take marriage seriously! Off to therapy and spiritual counseling we go! After all…GOD IS ABLE!?? ~KJM is a mess on Hump Day!?