I have been meaning to write you sooner but I am ashamed. Ashamed of what I’m about to blog about. Seems like there is no better day to share this than Serenity Saturday. In my last blog, “He Will Stand There And Watch Me (The I Am On My Own Edition),“ I mentioned that the Ex Factor and I had a terrible fight. I cried through writing that blog but knew there was something I was keeping for you. During the argument, I saw a side of myself emerge that I’ve never seen before when having a conflict with a CURRENT romantic partner! While I felt like the Ex Factor was hurting and disrespecting me, where I took the argument was humiliating for me. You see, I grew up in a home where the Michaels had no issue with cussing each other out in front of us children. I vowed never to call my romantic partner out of his name (to his face) and to never take things to the point of no return but after years of not doing that…the day came Wednesday night! Now let me be clear, ex romantic partners will get cussed out in a hot minute if they cross the line! But even with ending things with Julio and Elijah, I gave them more respect than I gave the Ex Factor! It’s ironic that I’m arguing with him about him disrespecting me (unbeknownst to him) and I decide to retaliate and disrespect him in an earth shattering way. The only time I’ve ever seen myself this mad (or more) is arguing with my immediate family! No man has ever been able to take me there. But as he remained calm and did not return the favor of calling me out my name….I wondered if he took me there or if I took my ass there! I am by no means a cake walk. Kingston is a hot tempered Jamaican woman. And I don’t fucking play! But if you remember what I said in my “Alpha Female” blog….a true Alpha Female does not purposely emasculate a man she cares about and that’s just what I did to the Ex Factor. It’s like the rage in me took over. The worst part is I discussed the argument with Mama Michaels, who generally loves that I am a strong woman, and I told her EVERYTHING I said to the Ex Factor. First, a look of horror came over her face and then she told me that there are certain things a woman must never say to the man in her life (even if true) because he may never recover from it…and that I said a couple of them!? It’s rare I ever talk to my parents about my personal life but this was one time I felt like I needed my mother. And thank goodness she was there! Then the tears started to flow! I am so embarrassed by my behavior!!! Now I won’t say the Ex Factor doesn’t have responsibility in this whole mess but my growth is dependent on learning from MY actions not his! He has to go to sleep at night living with his issues while I tackle mine! To paint you a graphic picture….I will give two examples of things never to say to a man that DOES NOT apply to this situation but gives you an idea of the level of shit that came out my mouth: 1. The child you have been raising is not yours and 2. I have been fucking your brother/best friend! ? Now none of these apply to us but the things I said are just as spirit crushing! What the fuck is wrong with me?!! The Ex Factor was hurting me but it’s like he was slowly cutting me and I opened up the firing squad on him! Not a proud moment for me at all!!! Even with all I said (more like screamed into the phone) the Ex Factor kept his calm and still wanted to work things out! I said I would think about it but once we hung up I text him that it was over!!! Then all hell broke loose part two! Was there a fucking full moon Wednesday night because I was on one and not in a good way!?I couldn’t stop! But after my “Iyanla Fix My Life” moment with my mother, I immediately sent a heartfelt apology to the Ex Factor. He is speaking to me but with each interaction I just want to cry about all that went down. Yes the Ex Factor has left me “naked and uncovered” emotionally (see blog with that title) but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t hold my head up high and handle each situation with class! I stepped outside of myself for sure! Only the people that mean the most to me could ever unleash this ugly side of me but dear God they deserve the most respect! Meeting disrespect for disrespect isn’t the way to go! I want a deeper commitment from the Ex Factor and he isn’t ready to give it!!! I think this side of me emerged because I have never wanted a deeper commitment from any guy!!! So in my mind, if I want it….I damn sure better get it! Smdh. Not my finest moment but I am holding myself accountable! Sigh….I am forever a work in progress! ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying never forget the golden rule: when you hurt someone you love…you hurt yourself ten times more. Pray for me!?
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