Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄
I was crying and praying that morning on the train. Headed to work on a Saturday. Crying and praying. Crying and praying. I was wearing a long purple dress from American Apparel. Crying and praying. He introduced himself to me 20 minutes after I stopped crying. But I never stopped praying.
He asked me when was the last time I’ve been in a serious relationship and I said never. Serious to me is meeting a man who has vision and purpose, knows what he wants, and is ready to share that vision with a woman. Serious is being married or at least living together. Serious is understanding that you are going to build a life together. Serious is neither of us looking for other prospects while being with each other. So no I’ve never been in a serious relationship. Generally I’m just attached to some lost soul which says a lot about me.
The beginning is always so exciting. If every man could look at a woman throughout their relationship as he did in the beginning of the relationship…it would be hard for romance to die. I’m looking into his eyes and then looking away. He looks at me with such deep admiration to the point I blush….and I’m not a blusher. And he loves my eyes which is great because they are my favorite feature. You can tell so much by looking into someone’s eyes. I told him I’m a philosopher by heart so my eyes tell a story even when they don’t mean to. This could be nothing or this could be the start of everything. Not knowing which one…I started praying for us. 1 Corinthians 13. I want to be armed this time in case it is the start of everything. Armed with the WORD and aching only for blessings?
It’s something very difficult to say to a man and so I didn’t. I let him have the last words. And I didn’t drop a single tear because I really needed this chapter closed. I let him accuse me of always wanting more than he could give/was willing to give. Essentially I let him make me the bad guy. I did ask for a heartfelt apology but was greeted with a half ass “I’ve apologized in the past.” I called it a break that we needed but I knew better. This entire summer I’ve been warning him that I’m turning cold…not wanting to feel his touch. He said he did not understand. This had happened to me once before…where I had to explain to a man that he had emotionally bruised me so much that I was no longer physically, emotionally, nor mentally attracted to him. Only big difference in that situation is we were not in love with each other anymore and we were just spending time together. I don’t think he believed me then either. Now back to my current situation. I couldn’t bare to tell him I spent the last week dreading seeing him and purposely put it off. How I got physically sick when I saw his text messages asking me how my day was. How I got tired of asking people to support us and pray for us. How one Saturday morning I was on the train headed to work praying and crying under my dark shades. And how shortly after this man appeared out of no where (a few minutes after I stopped crying)…I slowly began my exit. I don’t know if this person was sent by God or the devil but I was disappearing. I saw a door open. At first, I thought this was the old me coming back again. The old me would carry on two relationships simultaneously because I’m not married and believe in exercising my options. I had been doing that since I was 15. But I was disappearing and my personality was way too large to stay in the “take what you can get/try to change a man I’m in love with" club. That’s like not my style! I’m not even sure how the fuck I got here for so long…5yrs and 3mths of making a wrong turn. So I unintentionally began my exit. And there was no way I could look at my present situation and say you abandoned me and so here we are. I think I’ve found someone else. You just can’t say that to a man. I also couldn’t say that when we end on a Tuesday night, I will be giving my new conquest my business card on a Wednesday morning. I didn’t dare say that. I let him agree to the break but not before I begged him never to put another woman through this shit. Either get your stuff together and be the man she needs or walk…the fuck…away! I’m unique that way. Always worrying about the woman behind me. I only want to hear good updates (if any). I would hate to find out she cried as much as I did or more. I cringe at the thought. And I pray on it. As for me….I learned a lot. Especially that opportunity waits for no woman. I’ve also learned that you can leave a relationship/situation long before you physically leave it. I left him emotionally December 2012 and June 2015. Yea there won’t be another date. Lol. Business card in hand and ready to make moves. Stay inspired my friends! When one door closes a few always swing open 🙂 ~KJM baring my soul on Hump Day
I find myself staring not realizing what I’m doing….wondering if things would just be easier. It occurs to me that it’s a sign that I’m suppose to be somewhere else or with someone else. So I stare and I daydream. Life would just be easier I tell myself never realizing that no matter what door I choose there will always be work to do on myself and on my relationships. Anything worth having is never easy but when we are tempted we don’t realize that the temptation is a sign that we are afraid of doing the work, not ready to do the work, or just flat out worried that we will do all that work and fail! And I’m still staring but now listening to his voice. Intently. Not realizing that even if I walk through that door…his voice is going to want to command me to do some work. Work….ugh. That’s the thing once you give into temptation the fantasy can only last for but so long. And at some point if you don’t want to end up alone you must acknowledge there is work to do. In that moment I snapped out of my thoughts, stopped staring, and went back to focusing on work. True work…
It was the moment I had been dreading for over a week! My breakfast guy had learned my face and memorized my order so well that as soon as I entered Flavors my order was already being prepared. No need to ever get on line because he knew I was a bacon (turkey is all they have…. -_-), egg, and cheese on a whole wheat bagel woman. But lately I’ve been wanting potatoes. Desiring a platter! He makes my food so quick and is so proud to serve me above everyone else that I dreaded telling him I needed a change. That for the sake of our relationship…I needed variety. Today was going to be the day! I had to speak up. But I was so afraid of offending him. You see when a man prides himself on knowing what a woman likes and providing it to her daily…depending on the man…any change in that routine could damage his ego. It was time to say something because I was now dreaming of potatoes! And if I couldn’t be honest with him….I may stray and start going to another breakfast spot. It was time! I had to be brave. The potatoes were calling! I swiftly approached his counter just as he was grabbing my whole wheat bagel and I informed him that I wanted a platter today. At first he seemed surprised but then he swiftly made my platter and handed it to me with a smile. He adjusted to my desires….easily for his desire to make me happy was greater than his desire to give me the same old thing every day. Now I’m staring at these fucking potatoes (way too much for me to eat) and wishing I had my bacon, egg, and cheese on a whole wheat bagel. Fuck my life. Lol. Sometimes I just want things because I haven’t had them in a while or ever. This platter is way too large for my liking! I’m overwhelmed. Note to self: must make up with the breakfast guy tomorrow and tell him…he always knew what was best ? ~KJM
On raising teenage children and not wanting to be a young grandmother: Only mattress that’s going to be squeaking in my house is me and my husband’s! Y’all don’t pay no mortgage up in here!
I’m still holding onto summer. Even though fall is whipping around me…I can’t let go of summer. That’s always been my problem though….holding onto things that don’t belong to me because of how they once made me feel.
I would like to be loved in the kind of way where nothing in my past could make me smile the way I do in my present and when I think of my future.
