Kingston Expressions

I haven’t been a child since I was 4 years old. That’s deep…so many years and tears between 5 and 35. What I want to tell my 5 year old self is that she will always mourn the life she never had…sometimes because she mistakenly believed the grass was greener on the other side but mostly because the weight of her current life would sometimes be difficult to carry. And that’s okay! It’s okay…for who I am today is the woman made up of trials and tribulations. Every tear I shed was a tear of strength for I always got up after. I ALWAYS GOT UP! My 5 year old adult self began my journey of strength…~KJM on Serenity Saturday aka Christmas Eve?? 

I know that today’s blog will absolutely devastate my mother but I cannot worry more about her feelings rather than my own truth! If you have been reading my blogs carefully and reading in between the lines…one of the very few things I do not spell out is family pain. It’s embarrassing and gives so many people room to judge me. With that being said, I ask you to read this with an open heart and not deny me my experiences. For over 30 years, I have been carrying…what I feel is a generational curse with me. My mother and I have never had a good relationship. It’s a generational thing because almost NONE of the women on BOTH sides of my family had/have a good relationship with their moms. We all come from a long line of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse from our mothers (and for many…from our fathers too…though I and I alone got lucky with having Papa Michaels as my father. I’m sure my sister, Brenda, feels differently and has her own truth). When I think of unconditional love, support, and reassurance…I think of my father! I grew up feeling like my mother hated me (as she generally would address me as a bitch or hoe). She never took any real interest in being there for me except to send me to good schools. Hence why I buried my head in education! It was my only outlet. My mother was forced to raise her brothers and sisters in poverty in Jamaica while (according to my family) my grandmother was in the US and my grandfather, still in Jamaica, would leave the house everyday not caring if all 6 kids had food to eat… My mother was forced to forfeit her childhood so that her and her siblings could escape poverty, abuse, and sexual assault. Though…they really didn’t escape much. Each, in my opinion, still show those wounds and scars and then passed it down to my generation. I was given the same fate as my mother. Forfeited my childhood to help raise my siblings. Now when I say RAISE… I’m not talking about babysitting. They were my responsibility even if my mother was home! My mother, much like hers and so on, had no interest in mothering. Her mother is the spawn of the devil (I consider my grandmother to be dead even though I guess she’s technically living). Abusive in every way…my mother’s mother controlled her life until she was in her mid 40s! You see that’s how abuse works….there’s always some deep hold your abuser has over you. And if I wasn’t a different type of person…my mother would do the same to me! The last time I was really a child was when I was 4 years old! I’ve been cleaning up my mother’s messes, raising her children, and in some ways raising her ass since I was 5 years old! I have a lot of sadness and anger about that but if you ask my mom (I’m sure my grandmother would say the same about her own parenting)…she’s a great mom! She tells herself this everyday which to me is kind of comical. If you are naturally something…no need to tell the world! Now I will say she’s a great nurse and she’s been wonderful with all my cousins that she adopted and all the other children that she’s come across! She’s just fucking terrible with her own! To some degree…all of us kids would agree…though my brother and sister are closer to my mother than my father. I think that’s how generational curses work…each generation tries just a little harder than the one before…only to pat themselves on the shoulder for a job well done…and only doomed to repeat the same mistakes or worse! Now I’m just giving you a synopsis of my situation so that I can give you today’s Serenity Saturday message! So much more I could say…I could write a book…but I simply don’t have that kind of time today! What I’ve been waiting to say since I started this blog was that at FIVE years old I told the nuns at my Catholic school that I never wanted to get married and have kids!!! It’s 30 years later and I’ve kept that promise. It wasn’t until yesterday when I unexpectedly broke down at my hair salon did I realize that part of the reason why I avoid serious relationships and pop my birth control pills even through years of celibacy is because I feel it’s the only way I can protect myself from the generational curse! While Auntie Kingston loves the children…I’ve never had a desire to give birth. This has not changed. I know that children take a lot of work and that most of the world had them because of what they thought children were going to bring to their lives…not realizing that children TAKE…that’s their job! No to give! They never asked to be born! So when I hear about people popping out children like they are buying ornaments for a Christmas tree…I fucking cringe! In my opinion, no woman on both sides of my family…except my Great Grandmother Alice on my father’s side…should have ever become a mom. Mothering wasn’t there thing and most didn’t even fucking try! The amount of abuse the children in my family have gone through is horrific! Now I know some of you without parents or with just one parent are side eyeing me. But hear me out! My mother is famous for always repeating to us kids that “half a mother is better than none!” While I’m not sure if that’s true or not…who the fuck signs on for the job of mommy…expecting to do only half the fucking work?! That’s because in her eyes…half is better than what she got. I beg to differ! Do not step into the ring of parenting if you aren’t willing to do the work! Do not let your children suffer because you are a selfish ass human being! So if you were wondering why I stayed with the Julio’s and the Ex Factor’s of the world…it’s because they were always dead ends!!! I could escape the generational curse and stay by myself with no children by dating boys that are incapable of the kind of true and everlasting love a wise woman would need to even think about marrying and reproducing! So I carry this fear with me…that if I ever reproduced…I would be like most of the horrible mothers in my family!!! Deep… Someone recently asked me if I’ve ever told my mother how I feel? Mama Michaels claims to fame are she’s a great nurse and a great mother! Neither are up for interpretation…though I will admit she’s great at her job! And everyday I’m so thankful she was a career mom and not a stay at home mom! I don’t even like to be home with her now and I’m 35! I’m not sure how one frees themselves from a generational curse but I hear it starts by giving it to God and letting it go! I have so many family and friends who assure me I would be a great mom but I cannot be sure. So I pray and I stay to myself. For I don’t want a child writing something like this about me 30 years from now. It would break my heart…even if I was six feet under! Lastly, I know there’s no manual for parenting and mistakes will always be made! But to all my parents out there…never underestimate what an honest and open conversation with your children, a sincere apology, and the willingness to move forward in a positive manner can do for your children’s soul. Denying you hurt them and denying their experiences as they see it…will only continue the generational curse… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I know that was a lot. As we all brace yet another holiday with our families…please keep in mind past hurts and be careful not to continue them. Happy Christmas Eve!

Well it’s the first day of Winter and I’m already in the midst of my Winter funk! Dramatic much?! Lol. This is just NOT my season but I must still live it the best I can. As I anxiously await the ball dropping into 2017 while PISSING on my memories from 2016…I turn a page. Started refocusing on myself and not giving two fucks about love. Yes I have kind of left you all hanging with the Ex Factor story…only hinting on where we may or may not be present day. Truthfully, I’ve just left that all to my Higher Power. Too exhausted to even bother giving it an extra thought. So if you feel like I left you with a cliff hanger…picture me sitting at the edge of a cliff having a glass of wine at sunset…waiting to see how the story unfolds my damn self! ?? Now to this turning page theory. While many of you are drafting up New Resolutions…I generally shy away from them. Last year I made September (2015) my New Years when I launched this blog. A Gemini has the ability to make any day or month feel brand new! However, there is something about the last couple days of the year that seem so….FINAL! So I turn the page…burning what I can. Yea…you read that right! ? I started cleaning up my private social network page and unfriending people I’ve no real issue with except for the fact that they are connected to people I no longer want to be connected to! Why am I having some level of guilt about this? I deserve to not have any of Julio’s family on my page! I deserve to not spend 20 years in emotional debt to somebody who frankly…is always going to be an asshole! I’ve tried the friendship route with him and he fucked that up…permanently. Julio is a source of negativity and I am just ready to not know any form of him! ?? And to be honest…none of my other exes…not even the Ex Factor…has any extended friends nor family on my private page! When I’m done with a person…friend, family, or lover…I wish them well…but I could really care less how they are doing! I mourn them and then I aim to successfully move on. People, especially ex friends, hate this about me. I RARELY look back! As I continue to turn the page, I’m thinking of changing my cell phone number even though I LOVE that number. I’ve had it for over 15 years…but my block list is getting so long that I’m really starting to think it’s just time to change my number! It’s the weirdest thing…people wanting to hold on to you when you have already let go of them! While I have no hate in my heart for any one, the guilt of turning the page and leaving folks behind is heavy. I want to FREE myself from unnecessary stress and closing doors enhances that goal. Yet I can’t help but feel bad for wanting to limit people in my life. Turning the page…I heard a voice say…but it’s a NECESSITY! You cannot stay in the same place with the same people living the same moments! No matter how much we want to stay put…we have to March on…head held high…gracefully stepping into our new destiny. To be the REAL me…I must always be ready to embrace the NEW me as she sheds her skin and recreates her life from scratch…each time. I cannot stand in time for you! I cannot even stand in time for ME! The winds will blow and the forces shall push me in a direction! Isn’t it better that I choose that direction? So I turn the page and I take small steps into the unknown. Not sure if it’s the frost bite of the Winter Solstice that has this cold feeling coming over me…it’s BOLD and it’s FREEING! It’s not the harshness I anticipated! It’s the birth of my new skin and no it didn’t come without hardship…~KJM on Hump Day saying do not be afraid to free yourselves from anything or anyone that does not promote your growth! 

As the sun rose, I sat there quietly with a smile on my face. Hopeful…I waited for you. It’s not that I didn’t know the wait would be long but I some how always thought it would be worth it. So I sat there…in silence…careful not to be interrupted by anyone nor anything. It took discipline to wait. Never knew I had it in me…to STILL look for someone…disappointment after disappointment…heartbreak after heartbreak. That I would have the patience to sit there looking at the sun rise…with hope in my eyes. But I did it. I waited…until it was in the late hours. Something in me began to transform. Not even the moonlight, at first, would turn me off. I told myself that our reunion and my wait for you would be so much more beautiful under the moon. I wanted to hold hands, kiss, and tell life secrets in the moonlight. There would have never been a touch more intense and deep than the one you would have felt…had you met me. Mostly, I wanted to have that feeling in my heart where I had just about given up but you showed up…to prove to me that love was always stronger than doubt and fear. No the moonlight did not bother me. It excited me…as I waited for you. And so I waited and waited. Starting to doze off…it dawned on me…like the sun had many hours before…that I could not hold on forever…for even then sun had retired for the night. Even she had left to regain her strength. But there I still was…in the late hours…tired…exhausted…yet still waiting for you. You never turned up and it was there in those late…dark hours…that I gave up. Not because I wasn’t strong enough to wait some more…but because essentially the moonlight pointed out what the sun couldn’t…I WAS WAITING ALONE! Waiting in vain…and so the new journey begins. ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying that I’ve forgotten why I love this blog so much…I love to write! This post may have come off romantic…and there are some elements of truth in it…but it also goes out to friends, lovers, and family. For the last 5 days I’ve been beyond sick and while some of my very best family and friends stepped up their game…what surprise me were the people that checked in on me consistently. There weren’t people I consider family! Those folks barely bat an eye that I was sick. ??And while I rarely need people…these last 5 days I needed you! Also even more surprising, more of my NEW friends checked in on me continuously via text and FB than the folks I’ve known almost 20 years! I was truly moved to tears when one of my new friends apologized for not being able to check in on me since Wednesday (day of my surgery) because she got into a car accident Wednesday night! Like someone thought of me when they had hit their lowest point! I’ve several friends also sick/in the hospital and as these medications made my body sick I rotated and checked in on who I could via text. Yea 2017 most of you are going to see a brand new side of me. It seems the Ex Factor wasn’t the only one praying on my kindness! Now for all my readers and listeners…what does this means for the blog and podcast? Things will get even more deeper and earth shattering! I’m gonna keep pushing the limits! And if I have to continue to do it alone…I WILL because guess what? These last couple of days I’ve felt more alone than I have since November 2009 (the last time I really need friends and family to pull me up)! Only looking out for SELF in 2017! Shout out to my bro Junior, my cousin K, Nicole, and my BFF Zack for making each day better for me! Much love to Grace, Tiffany, Toi, and anyone else who reached out during this difficult time! One Love?