Kingston Expressions

It’s Hump day and I really wanted to write one of my “sex” blogs but something else was in my heart. Episodes 10 and 11 of the podcast series took me there! When Lioness submitted her first recording of “The End (Song Cry Edition)” I was moved to tears. She was the first performer to go way back in time followed by Grace with “Luther Can Impregnate Women From The Grave” which I believe was my very first real blog!?? Episodes 10 and 11 opened up a sea of emotions that I had long buried and to know that the Ex Factor is back in my life while Elijah is a distant memory…is surreal. I write to you guys frequently but once I put my thoughts down…I move on from it until that theme is revisited…naturally. Hence why the “Death To The Bad Bitch” series is taking so long to fully play out (Intro dropped November 2015 and Part 1 dropped in November 2016). ? I freestyle write so you guys are following me when I’m encountering these issues. To be a lifestyle blogger…means to not let any one emotion dominate your world. So if I feel heartbreak…soon I have to move on from it. Soon I have to give myself (followed by my readers and listeners)…HOPE! I HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES! No room to leave myself nor you hanging! ?? So when Lioness’ voice said it was THE END….I got chills up and down my spine. I felt that moment! Hell I lived that moment! And I really thought I was done! Too broken to fix what could not be fixed! Then time went on and it’s like I heard a voice that said “BUT GOD!” ?? I can only think that I was meant to revisit my love for the Ex Factor. There was something left that God needed me to learn! I have no clue what that lesson is. To be honest…I was so embarrassed to say I was ending it with Elijah and then two months later had to say that I’ve opened a door for the Ex Factor….AGAIN! ???For once, I let my heart rule me. I’ve cried so much…still…but not the kind of crying that left me feeling like a weak woman…more like the kind of tears that has given me STRENGTH! ???? So as I pick up the pieces and sort through them…I thank you for staying with me on this journey. For not giving up on me and for believing in me!? I have no clue what I’m doing but the podcast series teaches me that I’m close to my destiny! ?? When I hear each of my performers’ voices…channeling me…I believe in God’s promise to me!? And the amount of emotional support I’ve received from friends and family has been wonderful! Interesting fact about Episode 11…..I was so depressed by the break up with Elijah that I wanted to take a month off from writing! Willow asked me if I was going to China because they sure do have laptops there too! No reason to stop writing! And if I’m sad…write about that! And so I did. That time period gave birth to Episode 11!?? And to me…it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever written! The feelings are so raw and true. I feel it! My producer: Loyalist and my engineer: ANS Studios had to finish the episode without me. I was absolutely blown away when I heard the finished product! Could you feel the rain, thunder, and lightning as my heart was breaking! Wow…and ironically…I was able to drop Episode 11 on a very stormy east coast day! ?? Yes…I FELT that storm! ~KJM on Hump Day saying stick with us in 2017! The blog continues daily and the podcast series should be back some time in January! ? 

It’s tough being a Gemini! We feel so much…so suddenly…and all those feelings are real. Yes we can switch it up on people really fast but that does not make us two faced…it just makes us in tuned to every part of our mind, body, and soul. The Gemini rarely represses anything…we expose it all…sometimes in the blink of an eye. That’s us in a nutshell! And while half the time I feel out of my damn mind…I have accepted all parts of me as they submerge. ?? Perhaps this explains Saturday night. I went to bed happy and full! Then awoke in tears that flowed all day! Like all fucking day! The tears got more intense as I started googling articles about emotionally unavailable men. If you are dating or married to one…please do not Web MD your mind! Boy was I in for a mind fuck! I know I’ve warned you guys of these articles but I’m human! Of course, I still get sucked in to them. Most of the articles had some common themes (1) an emotionally available man is a lot of fucking work so ask yourself if he’s worth it (no shit)! (2) only a very independent woman who does not look for a man to be her everything can pair well with an emotionally unavailable man! (3) if I’m googling, I’m probably not in a good place and need to reassess myself! Some articles suggested I was broken (possibly true from childhood stuff) because only a broken woman would entertain a man incapable of commitment and emotions! The irony here is the articles changed their tune when addressing a wife married to an emotionally unavailable man. They basically said do the work Bitch and get him to do it too! All in all…the “experts” seem to suggest a man being emotionally unavailable must find his way with patience, freedom, and understanding! Now I get that one! We women can’t change a man! Working on ourselves is already a fucking ordeal! Can’t imagine sorting out his shit too! Further in tears, I checked in with some of my beautiful girlfriends who were in heartbreak hotel back in March when I saw them and are now happily in love! I am so overjoyed for them because I know the dark corners they had to turn to find new and reaffirming love! So proud of them but once they asked me for an update…I burst in tears because like I’m in the same fucking place they left me! A place of uncertainty with the Ex Factor. Now crying and crying, I reached out to some of my other girlfriends who would understand me or can provide guidance. Harmony and I are so much alike. She gets that we made a choice to live this freeing life without marriage and children but sometimes there’s a price to pay for it all! While I’m booking my next vacation (which I love doing) my peeps are getting engaged and having babies! I thank Harmony for getting me! It’s nice to be easily understood. Then I reached out to Scarlet and she provided some words of comfort and told me to be easy on myself…so grateful for her…because she got me on the right track….the track of self love and self acceptance. But it was when I reached out to Grace that it all came together for me. When Grace speaks…I tend to listen because she’s one of my few friends who live and breathe the scripture! She sets me straight with the Word and all of a sudden I understand myself better. Yesterday, however, she refuted some of these articles and told me to take all the good news that’s being flooded my way as a sign that happiness was on the way!?? And that’s when I did it…I had a honest conversation with myself…where I am…and what I want! I have always known that I was emotionally unavailable romantically. It’s the biggest complaint I’ve received from guys I’ve dated…especially Julio!? I feel so much but there’s very few guys that could tap into those feelings. Matter of fact…the Ex Factor is the only one and I’m willing to bet that’s because when two emotionally unavailable people meet up…one must bend a bit. And so it was me! I had to reveal parts of myself…be vulnerable…which I only started to do in 2016! As much as you all have been following the Ex Factor and I…there’s so much you do not know nor can comprehend about us. For example, we’ve never said I love you in person! I have known that I loved him since July 2010! It’s now December 2016 and I’ve yet to say it to his face! It’s not because it’s not real to me….it’s because it’s TOO real to me. I feel it in all I do! In the air I breathe, when I fall asleep at night, when I wake up in the mornings, and even when I am driving! I FEEL HIS LOVE! And it paralyzes me at times because I’m afraid that love could change the core of who I am…independent and strong…and not for the better. Another fun fact…I don’t know if I’ve mentioned…is even though he’s been in my life for 6.5 years…half of that time we were not dating! I left him every time things got hard…sometimes with a warning shot and many times without a single word. I’ve left him in the dust without an explanation because if I had to say a word…I would have stayed! Sometimes he deserved to be left but last year in particular…I should have taken Nicole, Junior, and Grace’s advice and rode out the bumps in the road until things were smooth again! But Elijah presented himself and I figured it was a sign from God to run from the Ex Factor!? I don’t regret Elijah because I learned so much about myself and the way I communicate in relationships! I learned that I was trying to control the Ex Factor with my silent treatments and nasty ways and when it didn’t work…I bounced! Elijah taught me those things when he tried to use those very same tactics on me! And it didn’t get Elijah…me…no it didn’t. I left. No matter what I’ve done…the Ex Factor has never left me…all he’s ever asked is that I’m patient and give him time to get where I need him to be. Deep…the problem with being patient (besides the fact that I have none!) is I fear that over time we may not choose each other or worse…he may not choose me! The Ex Factor is the one and only man…I’ve ever been afraid of losing. This is also a good time to remind myself and my readers that even when I realized Elijah was not the one…I sat on my ass and decided pride was more important than love. I never reached out to the Ex Factor…he reached out to me! As he has continuously been doing for the last 6.5 years! If I have to text first I’m annoyed and feel rejected because I feel like I should be catered the fuck to but if I’m being honest…I did not always deserve to be catered to! Not to mention…I’ve yet to entrust the Ex Factor with some news that’s changed my life drastically in mid July! I told him my life was changing and I needed to know if he would be there for me. He asked over and over again….what was happening and yet I still couldn’t let him in. That piece of myself that I kept tucked away is the reason I started to exert serious pressure on our situationship! I was asking him to let me in without being able to let him in my damn self! And so our lives continued to be a struggle! I would push and he would pull! Tucking ourselves away for fear of being rejected. That’s our story! This was the conversation I had with myself…perhaps I am broken but the thing I must acknowledge is I am not ready either…I just do not want to be waiting in vain. If one of you introduced me to your very serious relationship minded brother or friend…I would probably cheat on him and then leave him! ? That’s a hard fucking truth to admit but the two serious guys I’ve dated…I fucked over. Not speaking of Julio nor Elijah here! ✌?️ They were each their own joke in their own way and not ready for shit but to control somebody. A guy I use to care about once told me he was falling for me and that he wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him and never picked it back up. It’s 8 years later…and I still never did pick up my phone! Don’t worry…last I check…he’s now happily married. Got married shortly after I stopped picking up my phone. When a man is ready….he’s ready…and when Kingston isn’t…she ain’t!?? So I get the Ex Factor’s stance for I am the female version of him! And Lawd knows I always keep my options open or else there couldn’t have been an Elijah! Yet even with being honest with myself…it took a while to figure out where the tears were really coming from. Well I’m at the end of my period so there’s that! ? But I think the bigger reason is I’ve never worked anything out with any man before now. That’s why Julio and I didn’t make it amongst other reasons. We kept sweeping the dirt under the rug and trying to start again until the dirt was just too much! Now…with the Ex Factor…I’m surrounded by my stuff and his stuff! ? I am in the room with the dirt and I’m not sweeping it under the rug. I’m slowly trying to throw it out as we tackle each particle. And if these articles are right…the odds are not in my favor. But I LOVE HIM. These sites make love seem so easy. Like finding a man who can commit now will make a good marriage later! I hear it takes a lot more to make a marriage work…though commitment is the first step. But my follow through game is so different than many. If I don’t love that man….I will always leave him…for it’s only love that could stop me in my tracks! I need someone who appreciates my independence and is patient with me. Someone not trying to change me. Maybe I’m doomed. Maybe true heartbreak is on its way. No matter what…I want to be able to say I stood up and fought for us. That I didn’t give up until it was clear there was nothing left there to build on! So I was crying because I want to stay and be patient with this man. I want to be human. I want to take a risk on love. I want to live with my heart outside of my body. And so I right before I put the S back on my chest…I want to say that I’m choosing the life I’m living…and I’m vulnerable in this moment. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Shout out to Harmony, Scarlet, and Grace ? 

Still in my holiday funk, I used the Friday after Thanksgiving to regroup. It was going to be a day of pampering for me! Somewhere in the midst of my mani and pedi, I got the strongest feeling to turn my negative energy into a positive one. Once again, I felt deeply connected to some of my friends. One in particular had been on my mind for the last two weeks! I reached out to those I could and decided to spread a little holiday cheer. After my mani and pedi, I picked up my little helper (my cousin who is home on break from Spelman), and we were off to make the day a good one! The Holidays can be such a rough time for many people. Not everyone will share their concerns and worries with you. So if you find yourself in a bad place, try your best to pay it forward to those around you best you can. It could be volunteering your time, checking up on loved ones that you haven’t heard from in a while, or just doing a random small act of kindness. Stay in tuned with the fact that while your holidays may not be what you envisioned…you currently have the life that someone else is praying for! ?? Spreading kindness in a world that appears to have forgotten the importance of love, patience, and tolerance is imperative. And to be honest…it feels great to put smiles on faces! Stepping outside of my own disappointments made Thanksgiving mean so much more. I cannot do a thing about the things in life that sadden me but I can embrace the world with a positive outlook and share that outlook. ❤️I even boldly reached out to the Ex Factor though I’m not sure if things will ever get better there but I still reached out. That’s all we can do this holiday season….abandon our pride and egos and think of others more than we think of ourselves! Pay it forward with LOVE! ~KJM on Serenity Sunday?