Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

Things I Can No Longer Be Angry With Him For (The Other People’s Baggage Edition)

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I have been doing my best to distance myself from the Ex Factor while working on who I am as a person. One of the realest conversations (and most difficult) I have had to have with myself was about the truth of why I am so resentful and angry with the Ex Factor. I have made so many mistakes along the way…like not having a clear cut relationship contract from the jump, stupidly thinking my love alone could carry us, foolishly thinking he was supportive of my drive (didn’t realize he had a need to be the provider), beating myself up about leaving him at times he definitely deserved to be left, letting him dwell in my heart for 7 years, allowing him to treat me like I’m nothing, and taking him back time after time. Man that list is long! ?? What I can no longer do is carry baggage that is not mine. From the moment I told most women (not my friends that have dated and married younger guys) the Ex Factor’s age…they declared us doomed. I was constantly asked when would I get married and have children? Many of these women have known me for a decade and change and know first hand that if I wanted these things, I would have had them! Many times over! Yes the last 7 years seem like a huge waste but not because they were my birthing years! I have no biological desire to have children! As a matter of fact, children only come up when the guy I’m dating brings them up! For the Ex Factor, no children is a deal breaker. He made that clear long ago and I made it clear (as I do with all my men who bring children up) that I am OPEN to being a mother but I take having children very seriously…more seriously than I do marriage! While no one can be 100% certain they have chosen the right person to have children with, I want to be at least 99% sure! And I’m so fucking serious about this that even in my almost 4 years of celibacy throughout my sexual history, I still popped my fucking pill! ?? You know I believe that dick falls out the sky and I’m not trying to get got! If the women in my family (most of them) had been this selective and brutally honest with their lack of a desire to just be a mom for being a mom’s sake….some of us children wouldn’t be here and thus, would not have such a huge disconnect with our mothers! ?? So no I cannot be angry that the Ex Factor wasted my most fertile years because I did not want a baby in the last 7 years! Truth be told, I would have been fucking pissed if we had gotten pregnant and even if I was pregnant now, I would be livid!!!! I use to think I was protecting the Ex Factor’s youth by making sure we never got pregnant but I was really protecting my damn self! Too many folks having kids and thinking about what to do with them AFTER! ?? That is not the life I envisioned for myself! I can do better and even if I fail…at least I fucking tried! Same sentiments with marriage! If the Ex Factor and I had turned serious in this last year, it would be at least another 5 years before I would want to be married and even think about children! He would need to learn how to live on his own and pay bills before I would even entertain us putting our finances and our lives together. Plus…I AM NOT READY! I am not even fucking ready to live with a man! Out of all the guys I’ve dated, I could stomach Jason (college sweetheart) and the Ex Factor the longest but never did I want to live with either! I LOVE WAKING UP IN MY QUEEN SIZE BED ALONE! ?????? Most women don’t get that but it’s true! I am just not ready. I think that’s why my heart chose the Ex Factor 7 years ago…because I was in no hurry and I knew I could grow slowly with him (at a snail’s pace). ? So no, I have no right to be resentful about shit most women are on a timeline for and I am not! ?? But I have every right to feel cheated from thinking I was slowly building with someone who loved me and wanted to build with me! Even that though…I will have to let go of soon. I’m working on it. ~KJM has officially been warned on Flashback Friday. Any more time wasted…is on ME! 

What Happened To Young Kingston? (Throwback Thursday Edition) 

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This week I am in full throwback mode! From gushing at pictures of Jason and I to shredding old love letters written by Julio…20 years ago! As my nostalgia gets the best of me, I cannot help but wonder…what happened to Old Kingston?! She was filled with so much happiness. Plus she was bold as hell! Now I’m sad a lot and feel less adventurous. ? It’s one thing if I had a husband and children and lost my way….that’s a common thing. But it’s just me. It’s always been just ME…so how could I lose some of the best parts of me?! Going to graduate school in NC is where I think an insecure Kingston was born. It was a tough and rigorous program where we were all bright. The sadness of feeling like I always had to try harder than others coupled with the fact that nothing ever comes easily to me…never left me. Plus Julio broke up with me while I was waiting for my grades at the end of the first year of my program. Ten years off and on…down the damn drain. He left me when I needed him the most but it turns out…he did me a huge favor. Yea I’ve been through hell and back with the Ex Factor but I’ve always been my own person (while fucking up my life) instead of being forced into a life of marriage with children with a man I know I would have regretted marrying. So Julio saved me a divorce and a life with children that I never really wanted. ?? At the time of our final split, my heart was broken into about a billion pieces. It was the hardest I had ever taken a break up. For 3 months, all I ate were those GIANT HERSHEY BARS and cried everywhere I went. My family was so worried about me but at least I was eating something! Thank goodness I was so tiny then that a diet of only chocolate didn’t kill my body! Can’t do that shit now! I would be a million pounds! ??? With my tiny waist in tow, I went back to graduate school and finished my program! ?? My next self esteem hit came when I graduated at the height of the recession and there were no jobs! Julio was back in my life (as just a friend I occasionally slept with until I realized I was no longer attracted to him and had to stop), Phoenix reemerged (also as just a friend), and then I met and fell for the Ex Factor. Once again, I was struggling and Julio was not there for me. It left me vulnerable to the one person who had the time and energy to be there for me. This one simple act of kindness, in Summer 2010, is why I have put up with the Ex Factor for so long. When I was down and out…he was there. Knowing what I know now…and looking back…the Ex Factor was caring and affectionate because he was trying to prove to his friends that he wasn’t heartbroken over finding out his first love had repeatedly fucked one of his best friends. ? I was just a beautiful rebound to him and he was the person that met and held me at my rock bottom so maybe we both hung on for all the wrong reasons. I will say this though…my love was real. That is not something I could fake for 7 years! And I haven’t been at my rock bottom since 2013…so I loved even when my initial reasons may not have been great. For whatever the reasons, he held me down at my worst. And now I feel like I’ve more than paid him back by sticking through all the unkind words and treatment. So that’s where Old Kingston went. The minute she lost her ability to financially take care of herself…her self esteem took a hit with every check she couldn’t write! ? Now we all have moments like these in life. Doesn’t mean overall we have low self esteem…it just means that the world whooped our asses and as we were fighting to get up…we forgot to pick up all the pieces. I financially got right but forgot my value and worth as a black woman. Have no fear though because Old Kingston is still the foundation of who I am. She’s there…I just have to be brave enough to tap into her… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! ? FYI click into this blog to see a picture of “Old Kingston” and head over to my Instagram account to see a very intimate photograph of Jason and I. ? 

My Bad Boys Fetish (Confessions Of A Reformed Bad Girl)

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Love escape me. Please don’t ever visit. That use to be my prayer. Let me just travel and enjoy life so love please be kind and just escape me. This was me my entire dating life until two years ago. Something happened (unbeknownst to me) and just like that…playing games and hiding feelings no longer appealed to me. I didn’t need to be married right away (still feel that way) but I got sick of the unknown. And with this change came a feeling of bitterness as I saw the Ex Factor how he sees himself…AS LIMITED and I was settling…lowering my standards because I loved him deeply. To show you how unusual that is for me, the other day I was talking to Papa Michaels (my Daddy) and I mentioned my feelings for the Ex Factor. My dad quietly said he had never heard me say I cared about any guy much less love a guy. Deep! And it’s true. So many times I thought I could care but true bad girls can only care for a short moment until they run up on their exception. ?? My exception did not deserve to be my exception but I digress. Yesterday, it felt so good to write about a positive dating situation. Hope you caught up on Monday’s blog called “The Good Guy (How Youth Teaches Us To Be Stupid Edition).” I got so much positive feedback from strangers and people who knew Jason and I in college. It was so freeing to be a happy ex with someone that I have no ill will towards. We split because we weren’t in love…just in deep like. Plus he’s a West Coast guy and I’m a East Coast girl for life! ?? I wanted to publicly share a picture of Jason and I at the height of our happiness but I’m still debating. We’ve both moved on and I would never want to do anything to make him and his girl uncomfortable….though in the position we are in…you can’t really see our faces! ? If I do decide to share…it will be on throwback Thursday. And before anyone even goes there…holding onto the memory is not holding onto the man. He represents a great (not perfect) dating experience and I’m just so grateful to have had that. The Jason memory reminded that I do have the ability to accidentally pick some great guys. May have lost my compass these last 7 years but I’m getting back to the Kingston I was with Jason. Sexy and free. Uninhibited and relaxed. Til then this reformed bad girl is going to try to steer clear of bad boys while falling in love with some of my bad girl ways again. I am changed from all I have been through but I’m trying to make it a positive change. I’m looking to meet a secure, commitment ready, selfless, funny, and caring guy that’s all about me and only me. But I’m in no rush. Old Kingston would have just wanted to have fun…like I did with Jason. No love feelings just trust and security until I bump into my forever guy….whether he be a Boaz, Abraham, Elijah (the biblical one), Jonah, Moses, or David. I’m definitely off sex for a while. Between the Ex Factor and the non biblical Elijah, I am so turned off by sex. It just seems pointless and like wasted time. I just want a straight guy to hold my hands for at least 6 months while making me laugh. I think that’s the only way I can rebuild trust again with men. I am 36 and unmarried with no kids and I really have no regrets about that. I don’t want to be stuck with someone I settled for. Would rather soar alone on this earth…free from standing in time with someone who never deserved to know me in the first place.?? So how does a bad girl develop a fetish for bad boys? By wanting the same nothingless situations…until she has a desire to be a good woman. As always, I am a work in progress! ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Steer clear of the bad boys and gravitate to a man who has been praying to God for you! ?? 

The Good Guy (How Youth Teaches Us To Be Stupid Edition)

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So I’m still in the process of unpacking my life…figuratively and literally. Yesterday, I found an old photo album filled with pictures from my last year in college! ? I could not stop laughing and smiling. Those memories brought me so much joy…so much so that I uploaded some of them to my private Facebook (after using my iPhone to take a photo of a photo…God bless Kodak cameras from back in the day!). My friends and I all laughed at how happy and silly we were. One photograph in particular struck my heart with joy..it was of me and my college sweetheart, Jason, kissing at the exact minute it turned the New Year into 2003! ? One of my homegirls had snuck in with me into the hotel where he and his entire football team were staying the night before Penn State’s bowl game! We ended up spending the night…5 of us in a room. The women (my boo’s roomie had his girl with him too so it was 3 of us women) hiding when the coaches came to do a room check! ??? It was simply the best time I’ve ever had in Orlando, Florida! ?????? While Jason and I were never in love…what we had from 2002-early 2005 was magical. He’s truly the only good guy I’ve ever dated. Jason believed in romance and he showed it. He was the first guy to make me LOVE cuddling and really the only guy that it felt natural laying in his arms. ? His word was always his bond and he believed in coming for me…no matter what state I was in. He’s the only guy to make such huge gestures! I mean he wasn’t perfect…no one is but when he did things…he did it big. For example, when we were dating everyone knew it including the entire Penn State Football team. If someone saw me out without him and I was drinking…one of his teammates (especially his roomie) would make sure I got home safely. Jason always held my hands, he waited patiently for months for me to be ready to have sex…while holding me every night…all through the night…and when we finally did it…I named him my most passionate lover. The way he kissed me…held me…I’ve never experienced that since. I know what you are wondering…if he was so great what went wrong?! Jason and I met in Spanish 3 Class in Fall of 2001. I had already been sleeping with Crazy at the time. At first sight, Jason looked like he ran track but I later found out that he was a wide receiver for Penn State’s Football Team. He was a year younger than me and a damn Sagittarius (like all my other long term men). Jason was humble and cool for someone who was part of a team that were treated like gods. Football and school were his life. Jason wasn’t a party dude and he is actually the person that got me to love the Hallmark Channel. His tenderness mixed with his strength was fucking impressive. Then there’s me…bad girl for life! ?? Jason was a quiet homebody and I was wild and loud! No one understood what we saw in each other. But when we were alone, Jason talked a lot. And when things were good with him (which was most of our dating life except two brief times) I felt so secure and loved even though we weren’t in love. Fall 2001, Jason and I became Spanish 3 oral partners. It sounds nasty but it was for school except when I accidentally told him I wanted to fuck in his bed (in Spanish). ??? Even then we never dated because I was still kicking it with Crazy. Spring 2002, Crazy started running the streets and sleeping with every bitch he saw. As I pressured him to be more serious (can’t turn a hoe into a househusband), it was obvious Crazy and I were going to have to go our separate ways. That day came and it just so happens that I was in the HUB (Penn Staters get what this is) with one of my homeboys and Jason was passing by. I told him to CALL me on a personal tip because I was looking for a new man! And so he did! My homeboy was dying with laughter at my boldness! ?? I miss that brave and sexy Kingston! ? Crazy broke up with me at 3:30pm that same afternoon and Jason was over my place by 6:30pm! ?????? That’s what you call PIMPING! ?? Crazy called later that night wanting to stop by to talk when he saw my homegirls at the club and I wasn’t with them. That bitch thought I was home crying! NOPE! I let Crazy know that my new man was over and we both would not appreciate his visit! ✌?Lmfao. Jason held me for months! We just cuddled and kissed and held hands. He had also just gotten out of a bad relationship shortly before dating me so I think we both needed to take it slow. And so he continued to HOLD ME as Crazy tried to fight his way back into my life. I think this is why neither Jason nor I could fall in love with each other. Too much baggage and pain from our exes. But we enjoyed each other sexually and outside the bedroom. I laughed the most with him. Jason was from the West Coast so he had a type of flava I had never seen in a guy before. He made those Hawaiian shirts look good. And through sex I fattened his ass…through climax after climax…where that skinny guy I met the year before was now built like a Black Greek god (he was half African, half European). Sexy as shit. All the women after me…should be thanking my ass! I left him in damn good condition! ?? While Jason was so good to me…I wasn’t always so good to him (unbeknownst to him). I had slip up after slip up with Crazy. For a second, I thought I was in love with two guys. Truth was…I was in LUST with both. When the shit hit the fan though…I surprisingly chose Jason. And it was an easy choice at that…because he was loyal and kind. He deserved the same from me. So I tried. But when you had never been treated well by a guy it’s hard to meet a good guy. They don’t seem real but good guys are out there! That’s what Jason represents…HOPE TO MEET ANOTHER GREAT GUY! ?? So I’m keeping hope alive with this great memory in my heart. I was respected by the guy I dated and cared for privately and publicly! My standards were high once! Don’t know how they had drop so low since! ? Sometimes I feel like the Ex Factor is my KARMA for all the wrong I did in my Jason relationship. Well I have paid my fucking dues!!!! Time for someone better! Last I heard of Jason (I stayed friends with him until 2012), he had met the love of his life (on the West Coast) and they bought a house together. I pray they are both treating each other well and living in love to the fullest. The Jason I knew deserves nothing less. I wish them nothing but the best! As for me, I am so grateful for the memories of Jason…picking me up when I fell asleep in odd places and placing me in the bed with no expectations of sex…opening all doors (including car doors) for me even when no one was around for all the years we dated! ?? Clearly a real man raised him! And I thank him for being the only man to travel for me…from PA to meet me and my family in NJ to MD (where I was living after college), then to head back to PA again…all in a 3 day span! We weren’t in love but I felt more loved than I ever did with any other guy that claimed to love me. I thank you for my happy times Jason and for all the years of friendship! I let go of our friendship so you could be truly happy and I sure hope you are! ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Editor’s Note: Youth teaches us that time is on our side and that there are more great people to meet in life but silly rabbit…tricks are for kids. It’s been 16 years since I first met Jason and I’ve never met anyone even close to being as great as him….. 

12 Odd, Insane, and Valid Reasons To Dump A Guy

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Here at Kingston Expressions, I have been taking life way too seriously. Between heartbreaks and lack of orgasms…I’m bringing my damn self down. Lol. Today I want to tap into my less serious but more ignorant side. ? Shall we get into this count down? Here are the top 12 insane reasons that I would break up with a guy for. 12. EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE/ REFUSE TO COMMIT/SITUATIONSHIP KING! While we all have baggage, I don’t want no part of these fuckers!!! ✌? Went through hell and back with the Ex Factor and don’t ever want to repeat this seven year mistake again! ??? The next time I run into a fuckboy, I’m running for the hills! Nobody has time to get their heartbroken and watch their life be wasted! The minute I meet a new guy that seems shady…I will sniff his noncommittal ways out of him….I’m out….whether I love him or not. Staying with the Ex Factor has been my biggest life regret. Truly wish I never met him! ✌?11. HE DOES NOT TRAVEL/NO PASSPORT! Traveling is my heart and soul! For some reason, I always date guys that don’t even want to or cannot afford to leave the city!!!! ? Traveling goes to the essence of who I am. Thus, if a guy does not travel…I have to let him go…or I will always be leaving him for my next vacation like I always did with Julio and the Ex Factor! ✌?10. HE CHEWS WAY TOO FUCKING LOUD! Y’all remember the dude I use to date that sounded like the Pillsbury Doughboy every time he ate ANY meal?! ??? He’s the one from the “Fortune Teller Told Me He Cheated” blog. ? Dude paid for great dates and to this day is the only guy that’s celebrated my birthday (my 19th) in a big way! ?? But come on…who the fuck can concentrate when it sounds like the person across from them is having an orgasm with every bite of food they take?!! ? Then when I couldn’t finish my food…he would reach over to my plate and make love to it! ??? There were times I just wanted to smack the hell out of him! I mean he wasn’t that passionate in the bedroom! Yes he ate the box well…but not with the passion and desire he had when he tasted a piece of steak! ?? He ended up being a cheater so I am guessing chewing can tell you a lot about a guy! Lol. Never satisfied with all just moaning and laughing over a steak! ?? 9. HE IS A COKE DRIKER! Now hear me out! I am a die hard PEPSI drinker! That’s one of the main reasons why I went to Penn State for undergrad! ?? WE ARE! ?????? Rutgers had Coke and Penn State had Pepsi! It was the sign I was asking God for…lol…plus Penn State was my first choice for college. Pepsi sealed the deal that I was going there though! ?If I had listen to this advice I would never have dated the Ex Factor! He loves Coke! ✌? On our first couple of dates, the fool would forget I hate Coke and would order me one! He was trying to hurt me then and I totally missed the signs! I did let him know that if he didn’t want to get hurt…don’t bring me no damn Coke! I couldn’t even fake like I liked the shit! ✌?Oh before I forget, screw the folks that say Coke and Pepsi taste the same (Julio ✌?). Y’all can’t commit to shit…not even a soft drink! ?? Not dating y’all either! 8. A TEXTER! My entire situationship with the Ex Factor is on text…the good days and the bad! I get that young folks love texting but us grown folks prefer phone calls (when we like someone). If all he ever does is text✌?then I can’t stay with him! Lesson learned! And for the fuckers who are anti text I’m not feeling y’all either! I typically work 70-90 hours a week so there is no way I can just be laid up on the phone with a dude. I got things to do! ✌?7. MISTER ONLY ABOUT THEIR BOYS! Most of my guys have been loners or their family was their only real friends. So dealing with the Ex Factor and his crew has been rough. I have lots of life long friends but they live all over the country and the world. Ain’t nobody got time to be right up under them. I swear it seems like if the Ex Factor’s friends fart…he’s right there to fan the fart. ? I want a dude who is a leader and not a follower. A dude always in a huge pack of guys is rarely a leader. ✌? 6. HE PREFERS KFC OVER POPEYES! What the fuck? This dude is beyond insane. Popeyes is the reason why I’m not “skinny!” Like who the fuck can refuse Popeyes?! And while some of the other chicken places are okay….KFC is definitely gross! So if he’s on that nasty soggy chicken flow…I’ve got to let his ass go! ✌?We are just not compatible!!! 5. HE DOES NOT HAVE A SWEET TOOTH! The Ex Factor does not really like snacks or junk food. So he does not understand my obsession with CHOCOLATE! Dude…chocolate is soooo good…it’s been hitting my G spot every time he misses it! ?? That’s the power of chocolate! Any man who does not get that should be broken up with…immediately! ✌?✌?✌?4. A MAN THAT DOES NOT WORK OUT! Now I’m no fitness instructor nor am I obsessed with eating right and going to the gym. But in the last couple of months, I have made a conscious choice to do better and as a result, have lost weight! I still have a ways to go but I feel great in my skin and on my journey! While I’m not materialistic, I’m not a huge fan of big guys. I mean…baby I need you to be around for as long as you can be. Plus if he has an unhealthy lifestyle…it may encourage me to abandon my determination to get fit and lose weight. ✌?Chubs….we gonna have to break up! When I met you, you were fit but then you got happy and let yourself go!!! I’m not your wife so I don’t have to love every roll your belly butters! ✌?3. HE SNORES! Elijah was the only dude I’ve dated that snored. It was so bad I considered putting a bag over his head the two times I slept next to him! ? I am a light sleeper and cannot spend all night listening to the man that is bringing me pain and confusion…snore. Either go see a doctor or we are breaking up! ✌?I am a Gemini and we like for our thoughts to have thoughts! How the fuck can we achieve that with you snoring?! ✌?2. A GUY THAT WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am a talkative person in public but in my personal life…I have a great appreciation for SILENCE! That’s how I stayed with the Ex Factor so long! He barely spoke over the last 7 years and the few times he actually had something to say…I wished he had just stayed fucking silent! ??? Just like men don’t like to be nagged…neither do some of us women! And for sure I cannot stand a man who is a gossip! Gossiping is such an unbecoming trait for anyone but especially a man! ? Stay in your lane, mind your damn business, and only speak when you got something to say that will positively affect my life and the world! ✌? It’s worth repeating that I think only a nice mute man can win my heart forever! ???? Yea that’s ignorant I know…but that’s me! ? 1. A MAN THAT DOES NOT EAT THE BOX! I have never been big on oral…giving nor receiving and if I had to choose I use to like giving more than receiving (though I’m terrible at it). ??? But after 7 years of putting up with the Ex Factor not eating the box (eating pussy)….I’ve decided that the next dude better love it! To me, not trying new things with your partner and exploring is a sign of a selfish and lazy lover. The Ex Factor never not once tried to give me an orgasm. ? It took me years to realize this because I loved him so much. Now I look back at all the signs I ignored and realize that these were all an indication that we would stay in an unhappy situationship! So if next guy don’t eat the box and isn’t willing to explore with me…we breaking up! Life is too short for broken hearts and bad sex! ✌?Editor’s note: Mister Toss Salad was the last guy to eat the box! ?No way I was gonna let Elijah and his teeth next to me after that backdooring incident mixed with his “rabbit” trick! ? Also Crazy and Phoenix are the only guys to give me a vaginal orgasms. ???? I was multi orgasmic with Crazy ?????? and even though Phoenix only did it once (right before my 29th birthday and before I started dating the Ex Factor) it’s still so talked about and FELT that it is praise worthy! Yassss??~KJM on Flashback Friday! ? 

Is Foreplay A Good Indication How The Sex Will Be (Let’s Pull Out The Rabbit Edition)

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Yesterday one of my homegirls and I were discussing some dude who would not commit to her. She told me that his Facebook page (which she had not been on in a long time) read like a Yahoo timeline! I, in turn, replied that that’s how sex with him would have probably been! Lol ? She said she doubted it since his foreplay was poppin. I quickly had to remind her that so was Elijah’s…that is until we had the SEX! ? Y’all remember Elijah right?He’s from the “Unexpectedly Backdoored” blog and podcast! If you haven’t listened to that episode…please do! ? Now that we all are caught up…back to the issue at hand. Before sleeping together, our date nights were explosive. Elijah would finger me…any time…any place while whispering nasty sweet nothings in my ear. And I was blown away! It had been years since a man touched me with a form of true intimacy and not just for his own pleasure that I would soon reciprocate. ? Conversation was decent though Elijah would often get too political. ? And I was high at that fact that this man was open to commitment. The way he looked at me…I would blush. I was not in love nor lust but Elijah made it easy to forget the Ex Factor. I explained how I had been in love and severely neglected as Elijah indicated he was up for the challenge. He would hold my hands…even if it was hard to in huge crowds. I was not in love. I was not in lust but I was open. I thought his foreplay indicated what our sex life would be like but boy was I wrong. Great dick size but no fucking clue how to please a woman like me. Prior to me, Elijah said he had been fucking women in their 50s because they gave the best sex. I did not let that story intimidate me for I was more than happy to play the role of PYT (pretty young thang) for Elijah. For once…I was young. Not made to feel old and used up. But what took place the three times we slept together in our 7 months relationship…the foreplay did not indicate. The first and second times were okay. But that third time where he shoved the rabbit (a sex toy) in me and backdoored me roughly without asking my permission first…taught me that foreplay ain’t an indication of shit! In foreplay, Elijah was slow, patient, and in sexual teacher mode. In sex, Elijah was clueless on what to do with a PYT pussy. ??? He was really a waste of a sex partner. No disrespect to him but we should have just left things at foreplay! Ugh! What’s up with all the bad sex I have been having for the last two years?! I remember a time when I use to brag about my sex life…now I shudder to share. One day I will have great sex again with a man who is patient, understanding, respectful, kind, and unselfish in and out of the bedroom. And I will be his in a way I have never been anyone else’s… Until then, remember that foreplay could be telling you a lot about a guy or it could be telling you shit. ? It’s been my experience that when penis is involved…expect the unexpected….while the vagina over here always being cool, calm, collected, strategic, tight, and long lasting! Lol. Pussy Power! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day! Happy humping! ?

Down Here In Hell With You (The All Debts Are Paid Edition)

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It feels like something heavy is holding me back. I feel the weight when I’m awake and when I’m asleep…which leads to so many sleepless nights. I toss and I turn. It won’t let me rest. I can find no peace. And then I hear from him…this only allows the feeling of despair and hopelessness to intensify. I am drowning…willingly. Was never able to swim but no swimming lessons would help me when oceans and seas are collaborating together to pull me under. Waves are crashing…I hear it. I feel it yet I’m stuck…going only where they direct me. I’m suffocating off of the things in nature that were suppose to cause growth. Mother Nature is unhappy with me. So I pay the price. This feeling of sadness was no accident. I had been warned. Yet I stood still. Drowning. Suffocating. Going where the current pulled me. This is so unlike me. I’ve always had direction and the humbleness to ask God to bless that direction. But here I am lost. Numb. Then in pain. Then numb again. This force seems so much bigger than me and no it is not a godly presence yet my faith tells me that God is still with me. Being patient with me. Still loving me. Waiting for me to put in the work. “FAITH without works”….the Wind whispers. “Is Dead”….I finish as I submerge from the water for what seemed to be just enough time for me to let the Wind know that I heard him. Back under the water I go. My body fighting the force. I try to teach myself to swim…for I learned recently that the ocean is not like a pool. It’s not meant to pull you down. If you stay calm…there’s a chance it will pull you up. It was meant to pull us up. I try to calm my breathing. This is no easy task so I try to quiet my mind at the same time. It is at that exact moment that I realize exactly where I am. I am down here in hell with him. Everyone thinks hell is hot but it turns out that it is tailored to our worst fears. I have a fear of drowning. So my hell…our hell…is wet and overwhelming. He can swim. I cannot. It appears he knew that this would be the type of hell that I could not easily escape for it’s built on my biggest fear…drowning. He’s pushing me under at times as he swims along. Again I try to calm my breathing. The more frantic I am is the more I go under. There was a time where I could never imagine us being in such a place. How did we get here? So many wrong turns. But what kept me here is the glimpse of who he use to be to me when I was living another hell on earth. The man drowning me was not, however, the man who rescued me from hell 7 years ago. I recognize this man. He seems familiar but as I struggle to stay afloat and he swims along so easily only stopping to push me under a wave…I realize this is a familiar stranger. Touch is foreign. His touch is hurtful. Voice is quietly harsh. I can tell he is trying to not show anger with each word but I felt it. If he had not said a word….I would have still felt it. His eyes were so unkind. It was at that moment that my gaze met his and I told myself that I was going to learn to swim today. I could no longer stay down here in hell with him because….because I paid all my debts long ago. I repaid the man I use to know. Stood by him through ups and downs. And now that the two of us can only remember the difficult times…clearly and forgiveness was no longer in our hearts…it was time for me to swim on. My debts are paid. As I learn to stroke through the water…I made a promise to myself to stay grateful. Stay in a place of gratefulness for what once made me so happy… I really lived that happiness. It was not a figment of my imagination. And even though it no longer made me happy…it was now pulling me down and making me cry…I need to stay in a place of gratefulness. This is so hard to do once you have tasted hell with the man you once loved more than anything. Stay grateful. All debts are paid. You are free…the Ocean said to me as I swam on to calmer waters. I can see the sun peaking out from the clouds. And I surprised myself by finally facing my fears and swimming onto…the possibility of new love. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. It’s time… ? May God continue to bless my steps. ?? 

Awaiting BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, Abraham, or David Letter 11 (The Anger Edition)

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Awaiting BOAZ Letter 10 “What if God does not send me a BOAZ” received such a huge outpouring of support that I was not sure how I would follow up that letter. It had taken me 10 months to realize that there was a good chance God was not sending me a BOAZ. At first I did not know how to feel about that. But now after assessing my open wound (of 7 years) and listening to the judgmental things people say when I tell them my story (it comes with the territory of being a blogger)….I realized that I’m angry with God. I’m angry for all the negative things that occurred in my childhood that made me swear off marriage and children at the age of 5. God allowed me to see and experience things (second hand) that a 5 year old never should have. I am angry that because of that promise to my 5 year old self, my grown up self aimed to avoid commitments and getting close to a man. I am angry that when things got rough over the years, I learned to run and never stay and fight. I am angry that when I finally stayed (because I was exhausted from running) and fought for what I thought I wanted…I felt ill equipped. I did not know what to pray for. Some days I would pray you (God) would touch the Ex Factor’s heart and make him be good to me. Other days, I would pray that you get me out of this mess and that I never return to the land of brokenness. I am angry that you allowed me to waste 7 years of my life…stuck emotionally in limbo…that even the years that I had physically left the Ex Factor…I was still trapped mentally. Mostly, I am angry that you did not give me enough strength Labor Day weekend 2010 to allow my entire heart to break all at once so I could let…something that was meant for only a season…go. I regret that so much. I am angry about the tears I cried publicly and privately over the last 7 years. The thing that makes me the most angry with you (God) is that you allowed me to fall in love with someone that you had to have known would not care for my heart. My self esteem took hit after hit and after a while that feeling left me feeling overwhelmed and as a result…I started to retaliate at the Ex Factor…bitter words for bitter words…that none of us of could ever forget nor ever forgive. I am so angry at you Lord. This has all been too much for me to handle. And even after all I’ve been through, I’m still so unsure. The one thing I figured out is it isn’t love this situation killed for I had no hopes about loving a person romantically… what died was my TRUST. Even with all I had been through with nameless other guys and my rough years with Julio…I still had the ability to trust myself and to trust others. And I just do not know how trust will ever revisit me again. Before I was fearful of love but now I walk away terrified. You allowed that Lord. So even though I may have accepted the fact that you are not sending me a BOAZ…there’s a level of doubt that you are sending me a Moses, Elijah, Jonah, Abraham, or David. If you had not awakened my love…7 years ago (almost to the day) then I would never have had to go through any of these things. So yes I am angry and I’m not sure what I’m awaiting. Hopefully a life where all this heartbreak is left behind. A life, that even if lived solo as I requested when I was 5, that makes me a better (and not broken) person for all I have been through… ~KJM is still so unsure on Serenity Sunday. Please do not judge me…because we have all been in a dark place that we aren’t sure how to get out of. My prayers are still not specific and the heartbreak and emptiness….especially when the Ex Factor is around…is so evident…. 

The Rut And The Replacement

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This week I have had you guys knee deep in Sperm talk. Lol. Time to switch paces for a minute. As always, I like to check in and let you guys know how my situationship with the Ex Factor is going. It’s still pretty terrible. I find myself dreading the little time we do spend together and feeling bad about feeling that way. I am so DISINTERESTED in him it’s not even funny. Sex is still off and even worse, I’m pretty sure I’m no longer in love. That shit made me so emotional the other day because it’s like the end of an era. What next? I’m hoping to bump into my next ex boyfriend soon! Lol. Now hear me out…I’m usually a runner…running from emotions. This phase (if that’s what I’m in) is so different. If the Ex Factor never touched me again, I would be okay. I have heard (from mostly married or divorced women) that there comes a time when every thing about a man can make you sick. And trust me…I feel bad saying this. But you reap what you sow? He couldn’t have thought his pretty looks could continue to get him far with me. Matter fact, I think this cycle of being turned off by him started in September 2015 when I left him to date Elijah. It’s like he’s a parasite that sucks the life out of me. I feel this way even when he’s laying next to me. The other night, I couldn’t wait for him to exit my place. He would be pissed if he read this but come on dude I’ve been telling you for years that I’m not happy. What I did not know is how that unhappiness could make me feel disgusted by him. In his defense, he’s young and still trying to find himself. Plus I’ve made things so easy for him. He hasn’t had to work for shit with me. And as a result, I resent him. So what are we doing? He’s still enjoying sex he doesn’t have to work for (once a month) and I’m bored as fuck staring at the mailman like what’s up? I hear you deliver on time! lol. I feel so bad writing this but it’s true. The Ex Factor and I are still kicking it because we are both COMFORTABLE. It’s the boredom (on my part) I did not count on. I’ve communicated these things but he is who he is. He’s not going to change. But I am. My metamorphosis started in September 2015. Never thought there would be a day I wasn’t happy to see him or a day when I couldn’t wait to be free of him! ?I suggested we have sex more frequently but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to help. Sex has never connected me to any man but Crazy. After being dick sprung once, I grew up and never got sprung again. Sex, especially when done wrong, actually distances me more from my partner. It did for Julio and I. When sex leaves…what is left in an already loveless situation? Shit. Just waiting for someone better but the male market….especially in my age group is difficult. Most men got kids by age 21 or been married or are still married by the time they are 36. I don’t want to deal with baby mama drama nor Ex wives that may not have let go! ✌?I want a man with as less baggage as can be. Don’t want my stock to go down. And I’m not coming with all that drama either! I do have emotional baggage but who doesn’t? Plus I want my next relationship to be very selfish and all about US as a couple! That’s hard with child support and alimony luring. ? While I meet men daily, I’m aiming really high this time. A good resume isn’t enough. Good looks isn’t enough! Must be God fearing and relationship oriented! No more dating Mister Narcissist or Mister Emotionally Unavailable! Been there…done that! I’m exhausted from me and Mister Wrong having something going on! ?? Even with all I’ve said, I’m not just going to go with any man. I have been SINGLE my entire life. To give that title up, he has to be someone special. And I am fucking worth it! ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. I remember the days seeing his texts excited me and our sex was the envy of many. Now I’m like a hot fudge sundae and a good book at night is way more exciting! ? 

The Women Lie About Sex Edition

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On this past Charm School Monday, I covered some of the ways men lie about sex. Now you know I had to come back and let you know that women also lie about sex. Whether we are having sex or not, sex continues to be such a complicated topic. Women either shy away from it or dish it. So much is learned when a bunch of women get together and discuss their sex lives. Now if I had a husband, I probably would not be so candid about the issues in my sex life but since I’m single and dating…all is fair in love and climaxes…or lack there of! ?Lets get into the top 7 ways we women sometimes lie about sex! 7. WHEN THE PENIS IS TINY BUT WE LOVE HIM! The first time we have sex with a guy is a big deal. All our girlfriends are just sitting by their phones waiting for the tea!!! Well maybe not exactly sitting by the phone but our blue tooth can surely pick up new sex vibes! ? When that first time happens, we women want all the details. Unfortunately, no one wants to be the bearer of bad news. If we care for a dude, we may skirt around the penis size question. Like Shequita you ain’t say nothing about Brad’s dick size! You just keep repeating he’s a passionate lover! We are on to you! Lol. The bigger the penis, the wider our eyes get when the tea is being spilled! Lioness calls most of her men pencil size! So what does that tell you? If we doesn’t care for you or love you…we aren’t holding back! Chick said PENCIL SIZE! I can’t make this shit up if I tried! ? Bet not sharpen that penis or it may disappear! Lmfao 6. WE MOAN LIKE IT ALL FEELS GOOD! The Ex Factor loves that I’m a rider (on top expert). I take control easily but to be honest with how large he is…even when he’s being lazy…most of the time it feels like a torpedo has been launched from my lower back through my spine and then to my throat and that’s just with him being inserted in my vagina! I moan like it feels good all the time but it doesn’t always feel great. Sometimes I’m in pain. But I can take it. So I moan for his enjoyment while my vagina is getting ready to fall out and roll out on I95S and under that same MAC truck my biological clock is chilling under! ???? I’m still sore from our last time but I made sure he wasn’t aware of it. We women do that if we really care about you! Here’s an important Editor’s note to the men: very few women actually enjoy cum shots to their face. I don’t give a fuck how healthy they say that shit is for our skin…it’s a task and a half to be into such things (for most women). And y’all now I got a white sauce phobia! ?? 5. WE FAKE ORGASMS! Now most men should know this but since the male ego is in such denial at times, most men MISTAKENLY think they hitting the female G spot all the time. Only heavy hitter I ever knew was Crazy! ?? That dude bagged many hoes but wasn’t just hoeing to hoe. He focused on being an expert on the female vaginal orgasm! Sometimes I wonder what happened to him?! Then my vagina remembers that he wasn’t shit except for the multiples (orgasms) he gave me! My legs still shaking just thinking about it! ??But I digress… We women are out there faking orgasms at a higher rate than most men think. Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to hurt your feelings and other times it’s because we just want the sex to be over! ? If you must know, I have only faked an orgasm once in my life and it was in college with my college sweetheart. Because I was out of practice, he was on to me. Found him standing over me as I slept that night. Just staring. It was almost like he was saying…cum on bish…we both know you just wanted to go to bed early! ?? Lesson learned. I never faked one again! ? 4. WOMEN LIE ABOUT HOW MANY SEX PARTNERS THEY HAVE HAD! Now I know my exact number of sex partners and have no issues with sharing that number with a new sex partner. However, most women dodge answering this question or out right lie to lower the number. But we out there just like you dudes are! And to be honest…most women are sorry we slept with certain men (will come back to this) and would love to erase some dudes from our roster! Not to mention as long as I can pass an STD screening for everything under the sun and am loyal to the man I’m with….why does it matter?! 3. WOMEN LIE ABOUT WHO THEY HAVE SEX WITH! When men are young or insecure…they tend to lie on pussy by claiming they slept with every bad bitch in town! Some dudes have even lied about sleeping with me when they never even saw the P in my puss! ✌? Sir…stop the madness! Don’t know ya like that and sure the fuck don’t want to! ✌?✌?✌?? To my women, let me help y’all out in case you don’t already know…. UGLY MEN TEND TO GIVE THE BEST HEAD! The first dude to eat me out AND Mister Toss Salad were ugly as fuck but boy did they give great head. Now these are not the type of dudes you want to admit to fucking. If ever a photo surfaced with me and either of those guys…I would have to say it was my twin chilling with them. ✌?? Now they tend to have good jobs and money to spend but the real treat from an ugly man is that head he gives your pretty ass…making it difficult for you to leave him! ? A las…the sun comes up and we all see the light and who we are laying with and want to run! Lol. I don’t feel bad about saying this because both my ugly men were rebound dudes who were ugly on the inside!!!! ? Not to mention, when I felt both their enny weeny tangerineys…I never dare looked into the light at it! ??? 2. WOMEN LIE ABOUT NOT HAVING SEX! Now this particular lie may have nothing to do with the looks of our sex partner. Sometimes we just want to hold onto the VIRGIN VEIL for a little longer! ? Truth be told, after we lose our virginities, there are very few chances for us to use the word virgin again…so sometimes it may be necessary to extend the use of the word! Lol. ? Nowadays real virgins are hard to find after the age of 14! Sad…but some truth to it. Men get ready for the “this is my first time” speech while we’ve been riding the donkey on other men for a minute! ?? 1. WOMEN LIE ABOUT HOW MUCH WE CHEAT! Sigh…most women claim they have never cheated but I’m telling you a good amount of women have cheated in their dating history (if not…in their marriages …yikes)! ? The thing I will say in our defense (if there is ever such a thing) is generally we women are cheating either because we are THOTS or we accidentally cheat out of neglect from the men we love. I tend to think the latter is the most popular reason…maybe because neglect was my number one reason for emotional cheating that sometimes lead to physical cheating! I keep telling the Ex Factor that the only reason I haven’t dipped on him is because rare untreatable STDs are on the rise! ??Lmfao. The reason why the amount of lying women do about cheating is number one on my list of lies we tell about sex…is because the male ego allows this lie to flourish. ? Most men won’t admit they have been cheated on unless it was publicly put in their face. No dude wants to admit that another man was laying the pipe for his woman better than he can! ?? But cum on guys…if we women can climax back to back without our bodies needing a break…that must tell you that we were built as weapons of mass destruction! ?? Women are also less likely to get caught because we are so calculated, the vagina can satisfactorily please many men at the same damn time, and the male ego refuses to think we would ever step out on them! ? Think again…back to fucking the entire local football team and having fresh made brownies (from scratch) ready by the time the kids get home from school! ?? That’s how dangerous the female body and mind is! Better get some act right…before your woman is out there living that life! ~KJM on Hump Day! I don’t have these things down to a science but I am a woman who has her ear pressed out into these streets and streets are always talking! Women lie…men lie…but watch out (men) because if we wanted to…we could out do you in bad…without you guys ever knowing! ???? That is…until “Maury” says…YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! ??

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