Kingston Expressions

Yesterday I wrote the blog “The Men We Wish We Never Slept With (The Nightmare On Elm Street Edition)” for all the women who have sex partners they regret. Now you know I had to turn the tables and do one for the men! Yes that’s right….men, it’s time for you to scroll down memory lane of all your bad sexual experiences. Grab your condoms and some holy water if you dare to take this tour with me! Here are the 10 women you wished you never even touched:
 
10. THE WOMAN YOU LYINGLY SAID YOU LOVED TO GET PUSSY! Some men will do anything to get in an attractive woman’s pants…even say ‘I Love You’ when they know damn well they don’t mean it. So you lie, play with her emotions, and screw her…never really expecting to be screwed. You thought you bumped into Monica from “LOVE AND BASKETBALL” but who you really found was Brandi from “A THIN LINE BEWTEEN LOVE AND HATE!” Play with a woman’s emotions and you just may experience intense bodily harm. Darnell took a bullet from Brandi to pay for his lies. Is it really worth it?
 
9. THE WOMAN WHO HATES YOUR KIDS! Some men will do anything to keep a woman…even continue to date a woman who hates their children. At first she may pretend she loves children, but if he chose to look closer he would see he didn’t get Carol Brady from “THE BRADY BUNCH” but really got Joan Crawford from “MOMMY DEAREST!” Lawd a mercy! Those poor kids. I just hope none of them used wire hangers!
 
8. THE WOMAN WITH DEEP SEEDED DADDY ISSUES! Men tend to focus more on a woman’s physical characteristics than anything else. Those eyes, thighs, butt, and breasts can lead a man astray. Bell Biv Devoe warned you men to “never trust a big butt and a smile” but some of y’all just refuse to listen. Well bust this move…you thought you were getting Annie Banks from “Father of the Bride” but just rolled over to see that you have been sleeping with DRACULA’S DAUGHTER! Whether Daddy abandoned her or controlled her every move…her need to free herself from him plays into your relationship. You are essentially Daddy. Every hurt he ever caused falls on you so you might as well save up for future therapy bills. This type of woman will not only suck the blood out of you but will make that very act….your fault!
 
7. YOUR WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND! So you started dating a woman and realize she has a cute friend who is always hanging around. At first it seems like a Janet, Jack, and Chrissy scenario from “THREE’S COMPANY”…then the friend starts coming on to you. Some of you may resist but as time goes on you are now fucking who you think is Chrissy. Naw boo…Chrissy don’t live there no more. It’s Hedy Carlson from “SINGLE WHITE FEMALE!” That’s right! You fucked the woman who pretended to be your girl’s friend…only to try to steal her life. Bad move for real….
 
6. YOUR FEMALE BOSS! Has no one ever told you…never shit where you eat? Clearly not! So you have a hot boss and you decide to smash her and then dump her! Ok let’s see how your checks will be looking…that’s if you still have a job! At first smash you thought you were getting Annalise Keating from “HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER” but no…you fucked up and got Meredith Johnson from “DISCLOSURE!” I do not even feel sorry for you…
 
5. THE GROUPIE! You may be a musician or a Wall Street financial wiz and women love it….so much so that you start feeling yourself. And here comes the groupies! At first you don’t think twice because you know that you are worth worshiping. Then one day you meet a woman that looks like Penny Lane from “ALMOST FAMOUS.” It never dawned on you that your groupie was obsessed with you in an unhealthy manner. Still don’t get my drift? Picture Annie Wilkes from “MISERY” making your breakfast. Gripping your legs? Yea you should be!
 
4. THE WOMAN WITH A HISTORY OF ABUSE! Now to be fair, many people had terrible childhoods and fought their way to a healthy adult life…usually through therapy. Not everyone is a fan of therapy and healing though. So you meet a woman with a million issues and decide that you and only you can save her. You found love in who you thought was Latika from “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE” but you really just had sex with Gogo Yubari from “KILL BILL: VOL.1!” That’s right…she’s young, vicious, and tearing down all the walls you build is her specialty! Enjoy!
 
3. THE RATCHET BABY MAMA! Now you know you done fucked up right? You went and got this one pregnant. Under the club lights she looked like Jackie Harrison from “STEPMOM” but when you woke up with her the next morning you found Mary Jones from “PRECIOUS” caressing your dick. Too late dude….you never wore a condom. Yea you tried to one night her but now she’s your problem for life!
 
2. THE 20 THAT YOU THINK IS AN 80! She’s attractive and seems sweet. In the beginning, she wants all the same things you want but soon you find out it was all a ploy to lock you down. If you got in too deep, this woman may now be your soon to be ex wife! She may not have had anything to offer in your relationship but she will surly take your ass to the cleaners in the divorce. You let looks blind you and you fell for “the old bait and switch.” No she was never Angela from “BOOMERANG”….and yes she was always Trina from “WHY DID I GET MARRIED!”
 
1. THE WOMAN YOU CHEATED ON YOUR WONDERFUL WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WITH! We’ve all heard the phrase that “the grass is greener on the other side” but what some of you men fail to realize is “if you water your grass, it will always be greener.” I’ve heard men say that they love their wives and have a good marriage but cheat because they have the opportunity to. Nowadays mistresses do not even know their place. They are writing books, doing interviews, and approaching the wife as if they are the main chick. “Stop! Hammer time!” Everyone but the faithful wife/girlfriend is out of order. Keep risking your home life for anything with a skirt and see where it gets you. Most of the time you will not be getting an Olivia Pope from “SCANDAL.” There’s more Alexandra Forrest’s from “FATAL ATTRACTION” out there. If you still don’t believe me….replay the scene where she cooks Dan’s daughter’s pet rabbit. If that shit doesn’t send chills up and down your spine and make you abandon your filthy cheating ways….well get ready for any of the women of this list to permanently ruin your life! ~KJM saying to my male readers…be very careful where you place your dick. Happy Flashback Friday aka all the times you shouldn’t have cum Friday!
 
 
 

Sex! Sounds like a great idea until you finally fuck someone you wished you never slept with. To all my young/inexperienced readers beware who you take to bed. One morning you could wake up to Freddie Krueger and not know how you got there. FUCK a walk of shame…if one of these dudes are now your baby’s father…get ready for a life of shame! ? Here are 10 Guys We Wished We Never Fucked!

10. THE GUY WHO TAKES THE CONDOM OFF/NEVER WANTS TO WEAR A CONDOM! Ladies, you should always run from this type of guy! When I was young or not thinking straight, I encountered two guys who took the condom off during sex! What a huge violation especially when you find out after he’s climaxed. First time it happened I was in college! I got so freaked out that I immediately had 80 million tests done. Only good thing about this scary incident was from that point on every time I got my annual Pap smear, I had my GYN run every test known to man. I think it’s made me more sexually aware. Had it not been for that encounter, I would probably be walking around taking intentional risks with my life like some of these fools out here. A man that doesn’t want to wear a condom when you insist…does not respect you. So run! He’s not Prince Charming…he’s FREDDIE KRUEGER from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!

9. THE MAMA’S BOY! Now ladies, it’s important to find a man who loves his mother and respects the other women in his family but a mama’s boy is on a whole other level! Nothing you do will most likely ever please mama and your man for that matter! Mama warms up that breast milk just right…in a way you can’t! This man is NOT Prince Charming…he’s actually NORMAN BATES from PSYCHO!

8. THE MAN WHO CALLS EVERY WOMAN A BITCH, HOE, OR CRAZY! Now are there bitches, hoes, and crazy women?! Certainly! But a real gentleman let’s the thing speak for itself. If his ex was a bitch, guess who is the next bitch?! YOU! I can’t repeat that enough! This type of man will never treat you with respect. In the beginning, he may try to be sweet but the minute you see his true colors run! You haven’t found Prince Charming…you are actually rolling with JACK TORRANCE from THE SHINING!✌

7. THE ABUSIVE MAN! Whether it’s verbally, emotionally, and/or physically…the abusive man always leaves a bad taste in our mouths! Generally, he’s the hardest to get rid of. Don’t allow a man to mistreat you. Often times this type of man woos you and then he begins to get controlling. When you see the warning signs….don’t walk…run! You are not dating Prince Charming! It’s really JASON VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH chilling in your back yard?

6. THE I HAVE A MILLION KIDS I DON’T TAKE CARE OF MAN! When will some of you women learn? If he doesn’t take care of her kids…he ain’t gonna take care of yours! I don’t care how he describes his baby’s mother…a real man will always be there for his kids even if he has to go to court to fight for his rights. This man is irresponsible and even worse…if he has multiple baby mothers…he clearly doesn’t believe in wearing condoms! Yuck! From her pussy to yours and from her womb to yours! Run girl run! This ain’t Prince Charming…it’s MIKE MYERS from HALLOWEEN!

5. THE IN THE CLOSET MAN! Most women, whether we knew it or not, have slept with a gay man. While I support the LGBTQ community, I personally do not want to sleep with a gay and/or bisexual man. I believe potential partners should disclose their sexual orientation…amongst other things. When we miss the warning signs…we sometimes find out that we have been in bed with CHRISTINE! Grab your coat and forget your shoes….”Molly, you in danger girl!”

4. THE EMOTIONALLY DEAD MAN! I can’t stress this enough…if you see this man…bolt! No matter how much love and affection you give him…he will never be able to say nor show that he loves you. I’m not even sure if this man loves himself! Maybe he has mommy issues or has been hurt in past relationships…either way it’s no excuse for the way he treats us. He’s emotionally dead/numb and you can’t resuscitate him! Give up girl…you are not dating Prince Charming…you are dating THE MUMMY!

3. THE CHEATER! We have all dated that man who couldn’t keep it in his pants. He’s slept with some of our friends and even…family! Ugh. He’s touched pretty much every woman within a 50 mile radius. This man can manifest himself as the man with a million kids and/or the man who doesn’t wear condoms. What a piece of filth he is! If you ever run into this scumbag…you are not dating Prince Charming…you are dating CHUCKY from CHILD’S PLAY! Looks like someone you should play with but in actuality…you need to bolt!

2. THE PENNY PINCHER! Every woman has dated a man that complains about buying a 99 cent hamburger at McDonald’s and then after spending one dollar…demands his penny back from the cashier! Fuck! This jerk off will at first appear to be fiscally responsible but after months of dating him….you will find out that he’s still billing his mama for all the times she didn’t cook him a meal during his childhood. You can’t build a life with this kind of man. Worst of it all…when you want to enjoy some of the finer things in life… like a Colt 45 beer…you will have to pay for it…for both of you! Run Forest Run! You aren’t dating Prince Charming…you actually fell for that bloodsucker….DRACULA! ?

1. THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD/SERIAL KILLER MAN! You ever date a guy that his resume seems perfect but every time you are with him…your gut is telling you something is off. He seems nice enough but things he says and do are just freaky. Some times…you find out he’s hiding an addiction or…that he has bodies buried in your backyard! There’s a saying that “if it’s too good to be true…it probably is!” This man can embody any of the men on this list and more. Instincts tell me to never fall asleep next to my seemingly perfect man. Trust your gut and get the fuck out of there…this man is far from Prince Charming! You’ve really been cuddled up with HANNIBAL LECTER from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS! ~KJM saying I hope you are scared shitless out of your mind and watch who you invite to bed! Happy Throwback Thursday aka WISH I NEVER FUCKED YOU THURSDAY!

I had a male associate promise me continuously that he was going to pull my hair and tear down my inner walls. Finally one night after he was finished bragging via phone, I let him come over. From here on the story gets hairy…upon his arrival, I tore my clothes off. I proceeded to get on top but before anything could really happen…his penis deflated! To this day, I’m not sure if it was ever inside of me! Pap smears last longer and are more memorable. I never count him as a sex partner because it’s like reminiscing about the dick who cried wolf! ??? ~KJM on Hump Day

A friend of mine says my blog is a sex blog and she loves it! While I’m so humbled that people are reading and loving my blog…I sure hope I’m providing you with more than just kegel tips! Lol. In the spirit of Hump Day I’m going to debunk some sexual myths for my younger/inexperienced readers. I will use my experiences with Julio (my first for almost everything including love) and one other sex partner that I may leave nameless! Lol. Come take a tour with me to figure out how Kingston Jael got so…well knowledgable on sexual topics. They say God looks out for children and fools…my life is a testimony of that! Sexual Myths for my first timers:

7. WAITING ON SEX IS JUVENILE! Julio and I met towards the end of my second year of high school through one of his female cousins who went to my academy and ended up dating on and off for ten years! I bet she still regrets introducing us! Lol. This April 2016, Julio’s been in my life for 19 years ?? I always call myself his ex wife ? Even though we met when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, I made him wait until the second semester of my freshman year of college to have sex for the first time. I wanted to be out of my parents’ house and made my education my top priority. Julio was also a virgin. That didn’t mean waiting was easy. I didn’t give blow jobs and don’t remember even wanting to give hand jobs as a teenager. Cum to think of it…my hands are tired now just imagining it! Poor Julio suffered from serious blue balls for years but he waited with me and that made things all the more special? To anyone contemplating their first time ever or a first time with a new partner, I say never rush it. Let the feelings flow so that it can mean something! Julio knew I was worth the wait and I’m forever grateful for that! Even now, as an experienced adult, I make a new partner wait until I feel safe and secure. I’m in no rush and you shouldn’t be either. Waiting for sex=maturity!

6. ALL FEMALE VIRGINS BLEED THE FIRST TIME! I sure the hell bled everywhere and so bad that Julio had to put me in the shower and clean up all my blood that seemed to be everywhere! I was traumatized! However, I do have many friends who did not bleed the first time. Lack of blood does not mean a woman is not a virgin!

5. CONDOMS DON’T WORK! I’m going to tell you right now…condoms, when not used properly, defective, or expired can break. The second time Julio and I did it, I left Penn State to visit him at his college in NYC. Because I had made him wait all these years, I decided to make it a weekend where we did it as much as he wanted. Keep in mind we were inexperienced….we ended up doing it 14 times in the first night! Each time we used a condom but my dumb ass got back on the bus to Penn State thinking I was pregnant. Touching my belly on the bus, I told a fellow student that I just had to be pregnant because there’s no way all 14 condoms worked! She looked at me like I was crazy…like I was an 18 year old just finding out Santa Claus doesn’t exist! Of course…all 14 condoms did work?? Shout out to all the condom companies! Where would I be without you?! Lol. While we didn’t create a family…there were repercussions for our actions. I couldn’t sit on a toilet seat for over 2 weeks and Julio pulled a muscle in his groin area. This brings me to number 4.

4. CUM AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IN A SHORT TIME PERIOD! While climaxing is the most pleasurable experience, each person’s body has a certain limitation in a certain time period. This may be different for each person and depend on gender as the female body can actually last much longer than the males. Moral here is just because it feels good…doesn’t mean you should do it! Towards the end of the 14 times, we had to use KY gel because my pussy had dried up so bad. Not to mention…it burned the hell out of my private parts. I was left sore and exhausted and Julio had to be put on medication for his groin muscle injury! Both our parents found out and this may just explain why his mama never liked me. To Julio’s mama I say…luv ya…but please remember who was dragging who to hell! The 14 times was definitely not my idea! Thank you for raising an extraordinary young man though ?

3. PRE-EJACULATION CAN’T GET YOU PREGNANT! Please discuss this with your doctor before making this very uneducated assumption. To my knowledge sperm is sperm, and if that sucker gets to swimming who the fuck knows where it will end up. I’ve been blocking the sperm with birth control and condoms since 2000! One thing I know for sure is some of my friends tried to out smart the sperm and now have teenage children! I’ve always treated the sperm like that scene from the movie “The Exorcist” when the girl is tied to the bed and the priest is approaching her with a crucifix. In this analogy, the crap that was foaming out her mouth would be the sperm and the crucifix would be the condoms and birth control! Right now my childhood priest just woke up and wants to smack the hell out of someone and doesn’t know why! I apology to all the nuns and priests that have taught me throughout the years. But you have to admit…that’s one hell of an analogy ?

2. DOUBLING UP ON BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AFTER MISSING ONE OR MANY WILL PREVENT PREGNANCY! If I had a quarter for every time some woman told me she got pregnant on the pill….I would be rich. Like any other drug, there are disclaimers for all types of birth control. Most oral pills are 99% effective when….wait for it….USED CORRECTLY! Yes there is a 1% chance that even when used correctly, a woman could get pregnant. However, I’m not quite sure how most women in my neighborhood were that 1%….unless there was something in our water. It all smelt like bull shit to me and I was right! When I actually took the time to speak to these women, I found out most were not taking the pill correctly. You can’t take a daily pill once a week and expect for it to cover you all week! Silly rabbits!

1. THE PULL OUT METHOD WORKS! Lawd a mercy! If there’s ever a myth you need to run away from it would be this one. At my all girls academy, I had to take a natural family planning class my senior year. It taught us how to count our calendars to see what days in the month we would be ovulating so that we could….wait for it…make babies with our husbands! I seriously don’t know how I sat through that class with a straight face or how I survived it! One thing it did teach me though was that while getting pregnant isn’t that easy for most women….at some point the pull out method was created to fail you! I think it was designed by God to remind us that He is a vengeful God and we bet not try to play Him! Lol. I’m sure my parents are going to kill me when they read this! So if a guy tells you he is going to pull out…know that after a while the universe will make it that the few minutes he is in….some of that semen will fertilize one of your eggs! People tend not to count their calendar prior to using this method because it’s generally a method used by the un-planners! That’s right…this method is usually advertised by the penises that need to be in a corner with a dunce hat on it! Picture that! Lol! Protect yourself and be responsible for your own reproductive systems! ~KJM saying do the “Humpty Hump” safely on Hump Day!???

Just one touch and I was his. My inner thighs and walls spelt out…EX FACTOR. He taught me how to make love. I was his and wanted to only be his forever. Imagining him being the last man to ever sample me got me high. We made love. Can you taste my love baby? To this day, another man’s touch feels unnatural. He was my drug. We made love. I didn’t know the last time would be our last time. Five years and three months of his name being tattooed on my pussy. I tried so hard to make my mark. I’m hoping somewhere in this world…he’s waking up and remembering that KINGSTON use to be on that dick…tattied out! 

Seduction. Passion. My love. He was 20 years old and I was 29. We met indirectly through our sisters one summer. It was suppose to just be a summer romance. My first love,Julio, was still in my life and Phoenix, my long term side piece and friend, was on the scene. Yet there was something about the ex factor that made him stand out. I was in a huge transformation with my career and family life. This time period was the lowest in my life. I was in financial ruins and situationally depressed. Here cums the ex factor! I never expected it to last for more than a summer and I never thought I would sleep with him. He was just a boy and I was a woman. Somehow he found a way to be there for me in a way Julio and Phoenix couldn’t. And so I fell in love…somewhere in between our first kiss, seventh date, and way before we ever had sex. I’ve written so much about how I loved him and how he hurt me. This will not be one of those posts. I want to share the passion with you. The passion…I remember like it was yesterday. It was a very hot summer night in 2010. We were cuddling and overlooking the Tappan Zee bridge in New York. He was so caring then. Arms around me…giving me that fake security. Up until this point, I had barely let him touch me. So far, I can only fall in love before sex. There may be a man that’s an exception to that rule but so far my two loves (Julio and the ex factor) followed that formula. The ex factor took my hand on a warm summer day, once again overlooking the Tappan Zee bridge, but this time, he was protecting me from sun showers. I fell hard! Now back to this hot steamy night. Some details I have to leave out to protect the innocent but see if you can follow where I’m going…where we were going. We made love in the midst of the elements. I could barely breathe. Instantly intoxicated with love and passion…I seduced him. Before you judge me…I…never…meant…for…any…of…it…to…happen. I didn’t even realize that I was already in love. Three and a half months later when the reality of this unorthodox relationship stepped in…that’s when I figured out that it was that day with the sun showers that I fell in love. Had I realized I was in love…I would never have slept with him. You see I can separate love and sex easily. Most of my dating life was filled with sex…not making love. I could walk away from each of them like they never tasted me and I never breathed them. But you can’t do that with real lovemaking. The ex factor had taken my heart hostage and my body followed. We hungrily enticed each other…out in the elements not too far from the Tappan Zee. I don’t think I had ever made love like this. At times it was slow and romantic. Then our rhythm would pick up the pace and our sex became rough and thrilling. So rough that when we were done…I had lost a chunk of my left knee! That’s right…our first time left me bleeding and scarred. Scarred so bad that the ex factor will always be a part of me figuratively and literally! I still have the dark brown scar on my left knee. I hope Elijah doesn’t read this…I’ve a feeling he will never kiss my left knee. Lol. I now understand what Beyoncé meant when she said she was “Drunk In Love.” I didn’t even need liquor to feel that inebriated. Just the ex factor’s dick, lust, and an open heart…my open heart. Some days I really miss him but other days I remind myself that the season for the ex factor has ended. But before we go…baby you took my heart and body through leaps and bounds. I taste you, breathe you, and lust after you sometimes in my dreams. When I awake, however, I feel numb. Winter has come and our love no longer bares fruit. Thank you though. I will forever know what it feels like to eat forbidden fruit. ~KJM reminiscing about the lovemaking on Throwback Thursday!