Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

Acceptance Of A Cold Hard Truth

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This morning…out of nowhere…I looked in the mirror and started to cry. For the first time, I started to recite some words that I don’t think I have ever said out loud to myself. ? I’m pretty sure I have written them to you guys but I don’t think I have just said them to MYSELF…out loud. I could hear my voice repeating one of the cold hard truths of my life. I…was…saying…what I could no longer deny. And I cried with the intensity of a baby’s first cry. It was scary yet gave me a sense of relief. If I could not be honest with myself…then who can I be honest with? I needed to accept this truth as it had been relayed to me years ago. I had to ACCEPT it and keep reassuring myself that everything will be alright. It was okay that I only just found the courage to speak this truth. It’s okay that I had huge moments of weaknesses that kept me from being conscious of the mess I had found myself in. The crazy thing is nothing bad occurred to trigger this feeling. It was more like a simple act of another spoke volumes to me. One simple act laid out the unspeakable truth that my mind and my heart had been hiding from me. So I found the courage to recite the words over and over to myself. I found the courage to cry alone. I found the courage to take charge of my life and my happiness. I…found…the courage. Granted…it felt kind of late in life but they always say better late than never. So I cried and recited. Cried and recited. There is power in being honest with ourselves. So I stood in my power and took a deep breath. And a voice said…this is as far as the road goes. Next stop…no clue but it will have to be a place that speaks to the truth of who I am. There is power in acceptance. ~KJM is not in her normal Hump Day mood. Maybe next week… Be blessed in all you do. ?

The Plight Of The Monogamous Woman

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It is rare that I take the time to write you…men…that is…but there’s something brewing in my heart that I just have to say. MONOGAMY IS NOT EASIER FOR WOMEN! There…I said it! And before you start spouting out some biblical nonsense let me take you on a tour of where I’m coming from. When you start to gain weight, start balding, neglect us, abandon us, and disrespect us…monogamy gets even more difficult for us women. We see the hot sexy guys daily too…just like you see the sexy women. We women aren’t blind. We are attracted to more than just our lovers, husbands, and boyfriends. We yearn for hot new sex too! That’s right! Soon…if not already…many of you will start to get plagued with erectile dysfunction while our female bodies ripen and mature…yet we will stay with you and love you through it all. ??‍♀️ When passionate kisses become kisses of routine…many of us will stay faithful. FAITHFUL! Not because of religion. Hell not even because of some vows we said to you long before we knew the real you. We stay faithful because of our strength and our faiths in ourselves. ?????? Even us single and dating women (like myself) will stay by your sides…when you don’t have a concrete plan for us! And why? Perhaps it’s our vision of the children we never asked God for? That is MY greatest reason for sticking with the Ex Factor. I…never…asked the Lord for a child. I wanted my heart and my womb barren but God had different plans for my heart. And then it happened. For the FIRST time (with any man)…I could envision my children with his eyes and his smile. Never before had I dreamt of them. Consciously, I still want to skip motherhood but subconsciously…when I fall asleep with his love in my heart…I become open. I become awakened. I become reborn…in a way I never thought possible. And so I stay faithful even in the darkest hours because God does not fulfill His promise to the weak. ?? Wait…let me not make this a religious thing for I have no reason to. I am not a wife. And my reasonings for fighting against cheating (at this point in my life) are much deeper than my faith in God. Perhaps deeper is the wrong word. Perhaps more expansive than my faith in God is the right phrase. I am WOMAN! I am the giver of LIFE. I can destroy or build kingdoms. My expansive view of monogamy has everything to do with my faith in myself. What can I possible teach my children if I am too weak to weather the storms of fatal attractions? What type of person am I if my word is not my bond? Men retroactively think about cheating. Many of them will risk it all for today’s tuna never thinking about the salmon they are going to lose. Women…for the most part…have to be proactive in life. Whether we ever become mothers or not…we are still the givers of life and builders of empires. Our jobs are never done. We are always needed on the front lines of every battle. Women will also fight many battles secretly…. This is who we are. STRONG! BRAVE! DARING! So you see this myth of monogamy being easier for us is just plain stupid. We want the excitement of new lust too. We want to made love to for days…because our bodies are built to do that with very short breaks…if any. We want to taste his lips too. Whose lips? The men that desire us from afar and near. The men who whisper in our ears that they would never abandon us. We need the orgasms. We need to be wanted and desired. We too deserve these things…yet most of us will stick by you ungrateful men! Okay…I know some of you men don’t understand one fucking word I’m saying….so let me break it down in a way you can understand. Pussy is so flexible that I could fuck him and you and you would never know! It’s an elastic band…made to pull back and fit a dick of any size….AND then get back into its original position! ?????? That is the true power of pussy my dear! ? Now when you mix the flexibility of the pussy….with the male ego…and DING! We are now on fire now. ? With just a few “oh baby” and “your dick is so big” many of your egos wouldn’t think we are capable of cheating. ???‍♀️? Boy bye! We can fuck y’all in and out of circles! The female body is built that way! Y’all have to stop after an orgasm…we don’t! MULTIPLE ORGASMS! ?? Then we at it again.? Yo let me take it one step further. Some of the world’s top assassins are women! We naturally know how to fuck you men and then kill you! ? The Woman is a dangerous species. She is kind and loyal…simply because she wants to be. It is just that fucking simple! Your ass is just plain lucky that your woman is faithful because she was built as a natural weapon of mass destruction. ?? Feel me? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Bow down male hoes…no one is really checking for you. Women are just really loyal to themselves, their dignity, and to the future they have in the palm of their hands. And a smart woman ain’t staying with no habitual cheater…. And if she ever did…you better pray Karma isn’t a bitch! ??????

Whenever I Try To Hide The Cat (Not A Doctor Seuss Tale Edition)

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This is a new twisted story of the his hat in my cat. ? You are not dyslexic…you read that right. ?There are times when we women are simply not in the mood for sex. Truthfully, I have a pretty high libido so the only time I really shut my shop and close my puss for a night or a season ? is when the Ex Factor puts his foot in his mouth! ??‍♀️ He says something stupid and I dry up instantly! ? I tell him…pet the cat, be nice to the cat, tell the cat sweet words, be loyal to the cat (or she could stray), and never forsake the cat. ?????? These are some of my foundational rules to open the pussy shop. All of these rules are based on respecting the essence of my vagina. Ever since I was young, Mama Michaels would randomly yell (and later on when I moved out of my parents house…randomly call to say) that MY PUSSY IS PLATINUM! ?? Mom been saying that before platinum jewelry was the thing everyone desired! ? She put me on to my pussy powers way before I fully understood them. Thanks mom! ?? But I digress. Back to his hat in my cat! ?? The other night the Ex Factor and I had some bomb ass makeup sex. ?? We introduced something new into our sex life…per my request. The Ex Factor and I both know how to signal to each other when we are in the mood for something different. This time I had an idea which I sprang on him in the midst of sex and it worked out well. PUSSY WALLS OPEN! ?? Yo…for all of our mess…I am really happy that in 8 years of dating on and off…we still desire each other. We still lust after each other. ??? This is why I hate closing the shop on him. ? But I got the right to exercise my pussy powers….which according to Mama Michaels…is a birth right for smart women! ?????? I mean where would straight men be without the puss?! ??‍♀️ Maybe the land of their hands just fell off (masturbation land) or blue balls city?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ No matter what…pussy literally and figuratively makes the world go round! We are the givers of life! And they better recognize! ?? Now back to these bedroom antics. Ever since I met the Ex Factor, he does two things that turn me the fuck on: when I close up shop…he pays homage to my vagina. If he got to sing to it to open it up…he does it. The Ex Factor lets it be known that there’s nothing like my pussy shop. ? And then when I finally let him in…he makes these expressions of deep pleasure. I have never seen anything like it. All my men before, especially Julio, have always told me how great my cat was (without me ever having to ask) but the faces the Ex Factor makes take the cake! ? LITERALLY! ? I’m like damn bae…it’s really that great? ? Better not fuck up then! ??? In my opinion, at the core of sex is power. When I am posted on top of the Ex Factor….he can’t move. He is under my trance and I fucking love it. Hell…I fucking need that! I need to be in control (most times) in the bedroom. My experiences have taught me that if you depend on a man to guide you through your body…your sexual experience will be diminished! I mean…who knows our bodies like we do? NO ONE! Thus, never leave them in charge of pleasing you! Men need direction at every point in life…ESPECIALLY when it comes to women! ??‍♀️ So be specific when directing your man in the bedroom! ?? And don’t be afraid to take charge. Guide them to that G spot…cause most men will be able to find Waldo long before they find the spot that makes us women lose our minds! ??‍♀️ Where the fuck is that dude Waldo anyways?! ??? Not really looking for him…but I am looking for my next orgasm! ? Now where’s the moral of this tale? Oh yes…sometimes men seem like dogs the way they lust after us. However, if you have been with your man for a really long time…and you still love each other…and you both still really desire each other…open up that cat (upon a respectful request that is AND sometimes impromptu) and let him in. ? ~KJM on Hump Day! Hump often, hump in a caring way, and hump consensually! ?

Doubts About The Death Of ANY Expectations

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I recently read somewhere that William Shakespeare said “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This I have heard before…the theory that if you don’t expect anything from anyone…you won’t get hurt. Shakespeare went on to say that he was “always happy because he did not expect anything from anyone.” Fascinating…and of course I call bullshit.? Why should I not expect my family, my good friends, or even the man I lay with to be there for me? I am a giver by nature and while I learned many years ago to never expect others to do for you what you do for them…I at least set low expectations. ??‍♀️ Perhaps Shakespeare is right and this is the root of all my sadness and disappointments. ? Growing up, I would spend hours on the phone with crying friends and rarely got that favor returned when I was hurting. That was okay with me though up until 2009 when my life started to fall apart from every direction. Going through what I like to call “MY Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013)”, I learned to cry and started to realize that I need people. Only good friends and family please! ✌? And so I started to shed useless friends. Now…every year I evaluate if I’m giving more than I am receiving in my friendships. My real family list gets shorter and shorter every year also. But oh lawd….don’t get me started on my dating life! Not once in my life have I been loved by a man (romantically) the way I needed to be! And this is for my ENTIRE dating life! For example, in the 21 years that I have known Julio…he was only there for me ONCE in life and that was at the very end of my Dark Ages when I split with Mister Toss Salad! Twenty one fucking years! That mfer is so selfish and that’s why he’s still SINGLE to this day….crying about how no woman will stay with him! Bro, could it be that you are a negative, narcissistic, and selfish human being?! ?? And to be honest he was only there for me because his life was good at that moment in time and he wanted to rub in what a mess my life was! ? Typical him…SELFISH! Yet I continue to always wish him the best in life and love. ✌?Moving on…the Ex Factor was there for me the first two years we were dating (in the midst of the Dark Ages) but I truly believe he wasn’t there because I was hurting. I think he used me to disguise his own hurt from his first girlfriend sleeping with one of his best friends behind his back….after her and the Ex Factor had broken up. With me in the picture, he could prove to the world that no one could hurt him but she did. It would take me years to realize that she destroyed him and that some parts of him were never ever coming back. ??? I am not sure if she was his great love but over the last 8 years I get the feeling…he thinks so. Yikes! And 8 years…I am not sure what has kept us connected. While he is the only man I have truly been in love with…my love is not strong enough to keep Kingdoms together like my childhood BFF, Jessica, who always made unconditional love look strong and beautiful.??? I have doubts and I have insecurities. My pride rules me most times so whatever that’s kept us connected (may it be good or bad) does not have my love at the center of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. In between Julio and the Ex Factor were just a repeat of selfish men that I spent brief periods of time with…minus Jason, the football player, from college. Back to these low expectations….I carry the weight of my life solely on my shoulders. Never expecting any man to rescue me…though I have had platonic male friends that have been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I also have amazing female friends that literally held my hands through the dark ages. ?? God bless them. Last week, I took a gamble and made a business decision that is costing me. So I’ve been on my couch feeling low all week. Back on the couch! ??‍♀️ Harmony got me to finally leave my apartment and go to the gym yesterday. She’s over 2,000 miles away from me yet she still has the ability to get me off the couch. None of my romantic men ever paid attention to when I was failing at life. Julio would ignore my pain ALWAYS and the Ex Factor would spout some positive words that probably have no real meaning to get me to shut up. ??‍♀️? At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’m back on the couch and trying to figure out how the hell did Shakespeare manage to have NO expectations of the people around him? Like how? I set the bar pretty low in my romantic life (not in my family nor friend life) and still end up disappointed!!! All they have to do is remember my birthday and most of the time my men (sometimes purposely) forget every year. I would think I am the only one being disappointed by men but I have a bunch of married friends. Looks like it is the plight of GOOD women to give more and receive much less! ? Still Shakespeare…how did you truly expect nothing of others and stayed happy? Lived and wrote in a cave solo?!????‍♀️ I mean…I need the playbook. ? ~KJM is filled with unanswered questions on Flashback Friday. Between vacations and laying on my couch when I should be making money…writing has become difficult for me. In 2018, I feel so much that I just can’t express. This year is just kicking my ass and giving me that 2013 feeling! ? Thanks for sticking with the blog through the good and the bad. And if I had one wish…it would be to have the ability to love in such a strong way that I could keep kingdoms together. ? Jessica, you are forever my role model in the area of romantic love.

The Couch

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For a full 48 hours, I laid in my couch. My body was finally ready for a good night’s (and day’s) sleep this weekend. I listened intensely to my body and never left my apartment not once. It was a peaceful (for the most part) weekend until…I heard from the Ex Factor and his spirit began to irk mine. I think something happens when you know someone for a long time whether you are married to them or not. The excitement is out the window and the passion is dwindling…that is if you both do not put work into it. There he was (hungover) from a weekend with his friends and there I was (relaxing and researching vibrators online). ?? Hey did you know that Amazon sells everything…like everything….even speciality items?! ??‍♀️??‍♀️ I had a choice of over 4,000 vibrators/massagers to choose from. ? In the last 8 years, I haven’t owned a vibrator but that’s mainly because I moved home after graduate school and thought my very religious mom would not enjoy finding such things in my room. Prior to the last 8 years, I always owned sex toys. I made it a life’s goal to never leave a man in charge of my orgasms! ? Moving down south…it was a must! ?? So many celibacy years in the south! ??‍♀️ Hence…why I can only love a New Yorker! ? But I digress. When I moved to the DC Metro, speciality shops were everywhere so I always bought my toys and videos in person. As I kept moving further south, I had a collection to make my heart and vagina rejoice! ?? Oh boy…those were the days. ? But I digress again. I met the Ex Factor 8 years ago, as I was moving back up north. I fell so hard for him…that not having my vibrators was okay. Before we even had sex, he use to just look at me and I would climax! ? I am so serious! I have never seen so much cum come out of my body like after a date with him where he only held my hands. ? I was never a PDA person before him. And if you recall….I can only fall in true love BEFORE having sex. Sex and love have always been separate for me…thanks to Crazy from college. Crazy could bring on multiples on top of multiples of orgasms (during sex with his penis) but even with being dick whipped…I was NEVER in love with him. ?? Had mad love for those orgasms though. ?????? Now back to my current situation. Something set me off about the Ex Factor. Maybe it was his breathing?! Perhaps it’s just another midlife crisis meltdown (mine of course)?! Maybe it is a combination of things. No matter what…laying on this couch was not going to help me. In that moment of frustration, I decided to start working out again, work on better sleeping habits, and to try to eat healthier…along with ordering two vibrators for those times I need some relaxation in my alone time. I cannot stress how important it is to be in charge of your own happiness. The Ex Factor, I think, is trying but what am I doing to make myself a better and more fulfilled person? I can go on and blame everyone and everything around me for my moments of self doubt, insecurities, and frustrations or I can get my ass off my couch and revamp my life (and my orgasms)! ?? I am choosing the latter. ? One more thing….the food we eat, our sleeping patterns, and how much we exercise all affect how we think and feel. If you find yourself getting upset easily or frustrated for no reason…try improving those areas. If none of that helps, please seek medical attention. We all need help sometimes…getting off the couch. One love? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Yo…shout out to Amazon! What don’t y’all sell?! ? And shout out to the state of New York for always showing me love. ? May the orgasms be with you all this week!

The River

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Sometimes life just echoes itself. No sooner after writing Saturday’s post (about some adulthood truths) did I find myself in a very uncomfortable conversation with my father. Out of all of the children…my brother, Junior, is the most vocal about his relationship statuses. My sister, Brenda, and I have ALWAYS been more low key about our love lives. As a matter of fact, the only guy my parents knew I dated for sure was Julio and that was ONLY because we met when I was 15 and he was 16. This would be one of my biggest regrets. You see when people know details of your personal life…they mistakenly think they get a vote in how you live it out. This is simply not true. The mind your own fucking business act is always in place. Stay in your own lane and worry about your own relationships. Now if you have not been keeping up with this blog…let me refresh your memory. While I am a Daddy’s girl…Daddy was ONLY good to ME! He had never been kind nor caring to anyone else’s daughter…not even my mother! While I have a very complicated toxic relationship with my mother, I don’t ever allow myself to forget about how much abuse she endured from my father and her parents. ? The problem with Mama Michaels is she let that toxicity transfer into her relationships with her children….with my relationship with her being the most damaged. While I love my parents dearly, I’m not blind to see that they are both toxic as fuck to each other and everyone around them! ?? That is my life truth as I know it. Because of them, I stopped being a child at the tender age of 5! ? After witnessing and now understanding what domestic violence means, I told the nuns at my school that I was never getting married nor having children! That was 32 fucking years ago and I have kept my promise! ? Yes, once again, I was only 5 years old. ??‍♀️ So it is no wonder there is very little I want to adapt from their marriage and their parenting. Throw the whole damn thing away! ✌?My siblings and I can and will do better by the Grace of God! ?? Now that we have some background history, let’s go back to the present mess. My Dad was telling me he may go on a road trip with friends to Disney and I said I would love to take an ADULT ONLY Disney trip with my friends. He started questioning why I do not take vacations with the Ex Factor! ?? I asked him if in the entire 37 years that he has known me and in my extensive dating life…did he not know me to be a loner?! I mean I’ve had friendships for over 20 years and I still don’t bring my friends to family events. Majority of my friends live in different states and countries (like 99% of them) so my fucking vacations are for ME and THEM! ✌? And I am dead ass about that. I cannot tell you how many couples I see fighting while I’m on vacation! I witnessed a particularly embarrassing public argument between a young married couple at the pool when I was in Hawaii. The husband kept yelling “you don’t think I fucking take good care of you?!” ??‍♀️ Child….if that ain’t Jesus asking…I don’t plan on ever having to answer (especially publicly) such a ludicrous and distasteful question! ??? Not sure why his balls were hanging so low that day! ✌? My vacations alone or with my friends are everything! ?? I am almost positive the Ex Factor feels the same about his friends. The first mistake I made in this conversation with my father was ever addressing it! The second was listening to the bull shit he spat about how I have to change my ways!!!! He said that even if my relationship isn’t that serious…I should be going on vacations with “dates.” ✌? I told him I don’t got to fuck at every port I arrive at like he does! ?? And that is not because of my love for the Ex Factor! It is because of my love and respect for my fucking self!!! Plus I reminded him that even though men cheat more….most men are horrible in bed no matter the age! Most of these dudes getting fucked for money, pension plans, shopping sprees, or just as a plain old pass time like baseball use to be to America. ?? Mistresses are out there to use a motherfucker! They taking the ragged cheating dicks because they got bills to pay. Morale of the story…don’t get hyped about new pussy. It almost always comes with a price! ?? After I laid into his ass, my father had the nerve to hit me with…”I got it….I don’t have to save for a wedding for Kingston!” ? That is when I felt tears well up in my throat. Let me get this fucking straight?! He taught me how to be free thinking and independent yet when I exercise that right my entire fucking life…my life is nothing without a man to go on vacations with?!! Get the fuck out of here?! Daddy proceeded (like some of my single male friends have before) to tell me that I’m exactly the type of woman he would never date!!! Oh really?! You mean the type a bitch that won’t let a man beat or cheat on her? The type of bitch that got her own? The type of bitch that feels love is a choice and not a fucking necessity?! The type of bitch that works hard? The type of bitch that can be in a boardroom with 20 penises and not be interested in fucking one?! Yea I am the bitch. ?? And you helped create her. Now stay in your fucking lane and proceed with caution because my personal life is exactly that…MINE! ~KJM is heated on Charm School Monday! Long live the feminists! And even if you aren’t one…long live men not being a god damn necessity but a bad choice many of us make over and over again.? I may not be the best at relationships but I pack light and I am always ready and willing to leave the port and set sail on a new adventure without a man! ?? Same OG since I was 5! Only God can work on me…if HE sees the need to. ?

Some Truths About Adulthood No One Tells You

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Sometimes it pours out of me…this feeling of having so much to say…and other times I feel it but I cannot write it. Blogging is still a passion of mine…we are just going through a rough patch. Perhaps I’m in the throes of my 80th midlife crisis or maybe I am just trying to get myself centered again. Today it is pouring out of me. Here are some truths (as I know it) that I wish I had known before becoming an adult. 11. OUR WEIGHT WILL FLUCTUATE OFTEN! Whether you had children or not…your weight will fluctuate often…even in times when you think you have it under control. I have had my pouch since my 30th Birthday! ? I feel like it mysteriously appeared on the exact day! ??‍♀️ 10. MOST OF US HAVE ISSUES WITH ONE OR BOTH OF OUR PARENTS! Childhood scars stay with us our entire lives. They will be battle wounds that will get reopened when triggered in every relationship we have as adults. Very few people are blessed to have a childhood that they felt was close to perfect. 9. WE WILL LOSE FRIENDS! In our journey into adulthood, we will lose or outgrow many of our friends. Sometimes to death but mostly to family life. They will go off to the island of marriage and children and forget to write.??‍♀️ And we will mourn the good ones. I think I struggle with this the most right now. If I did not have Harmony and a few other friends to hang with…I would be a lone female wolf. ? 8. MOST FOLKS WILL REGRET NOT VALUING FRIENDSHIPS! I don’t care what anyone says…friendships are so important! They take you through school, marriages, divorces, parenting, career woes, and the ups and downs of life. You cannot rely on just your spouse (and definitely should not rely on your children) to ride out the waves of life. 7. YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL UNDER PAID! Generally the older we get, the more we learn our worth. That means even our crappy careers that over a decade or two ago we were so happy to be a part of….will now feel like legal servitude. Sometimes I feel like I am being paid a dollar a day to put tiny buttons on shirts in an overheated dungeon! ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️ Ugh, unless you have your own business and/or are living out a life long career path…we will all get that sweatshop feeling sooner or later. ? 6. LOVE WILL NEVER BE EASY! Who in the hell makes up shit like “when it is right it feels easy?” Yea ok….when is building a life with someone easy? When is giving up certain freedoms, living spaces, dreams, careers, and sometimes our sense of identity easy? Fuck out of here! Love is work and work is hard! Anything you want out of life that’s worth having will require serious blood, sweat, and tears! 5. WE ALL SETTLE! I have a theory that most folks are not “happy” (whatever the fuck that means) in their personal lives. Whether it’s upfront or many years later…99% of us will come to the realization that we settled on some level with whom we chose as our ending destinations. Some folks will never choose a final destination and will set up at several ports before jumping back on their ships again. This is still a version of settling. These folks decided to settle on new adventures instead of ever investing in one. They never even took the plunge. In essence, they settled on playing it safe. ? This may be me if I’m not careful. 4. MOST MEN ARE NOT FEMINISTS! No matter how liberal you think your man is…deep down inside he still carries some sexist views. Don’t believe me sis? Start making more money than him and you will probably see an entire different version of the man you thought you knew! ? It is rare to bump into a man that truly believes in the equality of women. ?? 3. WOMEN HAVE HIGHER SEX DRIVES! Science has proven that as women age…their sex drives increase while most men’s decreases. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. What somebody left out is some of us will have a higher sex drive than men in all stages of life! Besides Crazy (definitely) and maybe Phoenix (where my sex drive matched theirs for the most part)….my sex drive has been higher than every guy I have dated no matter his age. ?? While it seems that men cheat more…they are cheating with raggedy dicks…which don’t operate forever like our firmly tightened vaginas. ?? Child, why didn’t somebody warn me?! Now maybe part of my sex drive is genetic as I know BOTH of my parents have a very high sex drive (oh the trauma from my childhood bedroom being above theirs ??). Soon if I am not careful…I am going to have to go back to fucking just turned 20 year old guys! ???‍♀️ Bad sex and low sex drives are high on my dealbreaker list whereas most women put up with it in the name of love. ? I think that’s called marriage! ? FOH! 2. WE WILL ALL QUESTION OUR SELF WORTH AND OUR SELF ESTEEMS! If women like the late great Maya Angelou suffered from low self esteem (see her book called “The Heart Of A Woman”) and women like JLo and Halle Berry have suffered too…then what hope do those of us with less wisdom, less money, and less beauty have? Child….no matter how high you think of yourself…there are going to be many times in life that you will question your own worth! From careers to personal lives and even in friendships…self esteem will be a reoccurring theme. Good time to say…at some point we all accept shit in life and there will be times when we are accepting shit and it is NOT because of low self esteem!!!! Whew! ?? Sometimes we are being patient with people or trying hard not to give up on them because we are strong enough to survive their mess! ?? I wish somebody would have told me that…let’s say just as I began dating! ??‍♀️ 1. HAPPINESS AND THE 1%! Back to that word “happiness.” Happiness, to me, means making the best out of the shit you found yourself in and always making sure to put yourself first especially when the odds are stacked against you! ?? As for ones love life, I truly believe that much like Billionaires are like 1% of the world’s population…only 1% of couples truly end up with a partner that was perfect for them! ? The other 99% of us are fucked! ??‍♀️ Now of course, I don’t have those numbers down to a science but my life experiences directly and indirectly tells me that most of us marry or end up with just the wrong damn person for a whole host of reasons! The difference between divorcing now versus divorcing 20 years later? Just depends on how long it takes you to take a long hard look at your life! ??‍♀️ I know I may sound like a cynic but to be honest….everyday I pray I am part of that 1% that is rich in true and everlasting love! ?? Until then, I’m just chilling…trying not to dock permanently at any man’s port. ??‍♀️ ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. What are some of your life truths?

Becoming Undone After The Reset (Jersey Edition)

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I have been off of work for two weeks. This is the most time I have accidentally or purposely had off in years! ? The first week, I was in Kona, Hawaii and the second week, I was home in New Jersey. Week 1 (in Hawaii), I felt like I reset my whole life and understood and appreciated it’s direction (or lack there of). Maybe it was the Pacific Ocean but this oneness came over me. About 3 hours after arriving in Jersey, I began to unravel! The Ex Factor accidentally upset me by coming over as soon as my plane landed. My plans were to stay in my solo bubble for the weekend since I was still on my Hawaii self exploration high but I made room for the Ex Factor because I love him. Also, because we had not seen each other in like two weeks. Unbeknownst to me or him, the time he spent with me was not enough. ??‍♀️ Now I am really funny about my space. After a short time at my place, I typically want everyone out! Family, friends, booty calls, and lovers must get the fuck out so I can enjoy my ME time!!!?? My entire grown up life, I have been like this! There is not a person I have ever asked to stay longer…I guess except the Ex Factor. ???‍♀️ Great! Mister emotionally unavailable is the one I cannot get enough of! ??‍♀️ After he left, I got sad and then I bursted out into tears out of nowhere! ? Now I am not a cryer and worst of it all I did not know I was going to cry! ??‍♀️ There I was…this strong independent woman who had journeyed to the Pacific on her own…and in just a matter of minutes in his arms…I turned into this insecure woman still asking a man to love me! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! ??‍♀️✌???‍♀️ Because I had no healthy love role models growing up (forget about my parents! They are lucky they weren’t on the show “The First 48!”), I had no outlet to maturely work out my feelings. So few hours later I sent the Ex Factor two emotional text messages in which he replied with apologies! But how can he apologize for a need I did not express to him. ??‍♀️ Better question….why the fuck isn’t he a mind reader?! ?? When he was leaving my place, I knew he had plans with his family. For him, doing the 40 minute drive each way and seeing me was better than not seeing me. For me, I needed an extra hour to lay in his arms! I’m such a fucking girl! ??? Now I am in my feelings and no “Kiki-ing” (Drake song reference here) was going to help! ? So I did the respectable thing and cussed him out Monday morning because now he got me in my feelings! ? He took it like a G! That’s one of the things I love about him….he will calmly reply to whatever mess I send him 99% of the time. The Ex Factor’s patience and ability to stay calm are two of the things I love/hate about him because of course sometimes it comes across as he just don’t give a fuck but I think if that were true he would never reply to my mess! ? Anywhos, and so the week rolls on and I began to unravel more but only this time…professionally! I don’t know what it is but I hate staying at home! On vacation, I don’t stress but when I’m home (worse when I lived with my mama), I get depressed easily…even if the purpose of being home is to relax. After the third day home, I start to lose it! This is how I know I can never be a stay at home wife nor mom! Shortie needs to work and know she can take care of herself! ?? The professional unraveling sent me to a New Jersey beach where the Atlantic DID NOT have the same calming effect on me as the Pacific did! So there I am becoming completely undone on ALL levels! Damn Blood Moon mixed with a Full Moon! ? I can’t remember exactly but the moon did some funny shit the Friday I was traveling from Hawaii to NJ! And it showed because all my flights were complete shit shows! Nightmare on Elm Street part 55 and then I arrive home and I’m a fucking mess! Screw you moon! ✌? Anyways, now we are here. In the present and I just awoke (on this Serenity Saturday morning) from a bad dream! In my dream, I married a successful man from a conservative culture. I won’t say which one for fear of offending someone but it’s one of those cultures where women don’t get a voice. We have one daughter and she’s beautiful. Looks to be around 8-10 years old. Going to come back to the significance of my daughter in a minute. My conservative husband and I are out with friends at a very expensive restaurant. We are all dressed up…even my daughter. The only person I recognize is one of my male friends who is also in this conservative culture…only he is not with his current wife (who is not of the culture) but now with his second wife ? who is deeply engrained in the culture…so deeply I don’t remember her saying a word during dinner…only smiling! ? Flash forward, my husband is very sexually happy with me….from the one sex scene I see….I’m looking somewhere else and hoping he gets done soon. Also, I’m on birth control pretending to try to have another baby. Clearly I’m hiding the fact that I’m on birth control and I clearly don’t want more children! This signals to me that I AM UNHAPPY and NOT IN LOVE WITH MY CONSERVATIVE HUSBAND! Wait for it… In real life, if you see me with no children or a bunch whether I’m married or not to my long term partner…there’s a great chance I am happy. However, if you see me married with one child…I settled in life. You see I always negotiate a one child package when I’m settling with a guy I am not really into but he looks good on paper. I am offering him only one egg (if he can find it). ? That is a part of my settling package. ??‍♀️ Now I know what you are thinking…what if I only have one child with the love of my life in the future? How will you know if I settled? Simple…if we had fertility issues I would most likely be honest about it and you would know I’m happy, we tried, and this is what God gave us. I’m guessing we would either adopt more children or get a bunch of dogs to make up for the other children we couldn’t have. That is…if I was in love. So my daughter in my dream signifies so much about where I am in my dream life! This is my NIGHTMARE! My fucking nightmare! And what does it all mean? Who fucking knows?! Maybe the moon isn’t done with me? ? And so I’m undone again and in need of a reset. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. ?

The Reset (Kona, Hawaii Edition)

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The unraveling. Everything was starting to unravel. I could feel it…yet I was doing nothing about it. Some would ask me if I was okay (thank you) while most filled my mind with a bunch of questions I did not have the answers to…I may never have the answers to. I was overwhelmed (with ongoing family drama) and waiting for someone to tell me to STOP and take a break. That’s one of the worst things that you can do. Wait for others (who are probably not that good of taking care of themselves) to tell you that it is time for you to put yourself first! ??‍♀️ Truth be told, most of us are drowning in something but few of us really pay attention to the continuous warning signs. This does not make us bad people…quite the contrary. While trying to save others as we too are drowning…we are now subconsciously on a suicidal mission. If we are depleted mentally, physically, and emotionally…we will have nothing to give others. WAIT! Wait a minute! The bigger issue is we ain’t got shit to give ourselves and we may be waiting for a lifeboat that may never come!!!!? Drowning in our shit and other people’s shit just ain’t the way to live!!! We have got to learn how to SWIM to our special island to RESET and then swim back to the shorelines of our cities enriched, enlightened, and WHOLE! ?? And no! No you can’t swim with a f*cking anchor at your feet!??‍♀️ That just disrespects your RESET mission! This is for you! No one else! This is YOUR JOURNEY! You must become your own lifeboat then learn to abandon that vessel, jump into the ocean with only your bare skin, and be one with your life again! ?? Of course, I mean this all figuratively and not literally (be safe out there especially if you don’t know how to swim in the ocean). But are you following what I am saying now? You are drowning in life baby and so am I! So I created my very own RESET! Last Friday, I got a break in work after working 7 days a week for almost 2 months to meet a deadline! ?? In that moment of freedom mixed with exhaustion, I decided it was time for my RESET! As a consultant, I could just not take work from another client for a week and take some time for myself. This idea wasn’t strange to me because I am a solo traveler. However, it’s rare I travel to a city or a country where I know no one! I quickly started googling destinations that were still on my “bucket list” and looked for ones offering affordable last minute deals! And boom! Just like that….I LANDED in KONA, HAWAII aka the BIG ISLAND 48 hours later! ?? But God! ?? Blessed! Grateful! After over 14 hours of travel (including a 2.5 hour layover), I landed in my RESET destination! But not before paying all of my household bills cause I’m responsible like that. Lol. Hawaii has 8 major islands. Over 14 years ago, I traveled to Oahu and Maui with girlfriends from college. It was always my dream to see more of the Hawaiian islands….but the opportunity just never came up. It’s quite expensive to fly here with roundtrip flights alone typically running 1200-1600 dollars. But the Good Lord knew it was time for my RESET and so He paved the way! Amen! ?? And so here I am…resetting as I live out a dream! Relaxation is my theme and I am only on God’s timing. So far I’ve had a 90 minute Deep Tissue massage that I think will change my life. I love my hotel and I’m just relaxing my way! THE BEST PART IS I DID THIS FOR MYSELF! ?? I don’t care what others say…there is no better feeling than knowing you can take care of yourself no matter what the universe throws at you! ???? I got me in the palm of my hands and then I crossed the country to breathe again in the Pacific Ocean. May the ocean wash all my fears, worries, and stresses away. May I be whole again! May I learn to practice the art of resetting even if I cannot take a random solo trip! May I learn not to deplete my mind, body, and spirit at the cost of saving others! May I safely breathe my own air again….knowing that no matter what happens in life…I got myself! ? ~KJM sending love from Kona, Hawaii on Hump Day! Please make sure you reset often even if it’s just going to the spa for a day! Do something that rejuvenates your soul! ? FYI it’s 4am here and I am blogging. ?

LOVE As A Rollercoaster

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LOVE thought of the week: I had a friend once approach me with a crazy plan. She asked me what should she do and I said….get on the roller coaster and no matter what I will hold your hands through it. She put one foot in and then realized this wasn’t the type of true love worth risking it all for. The decision was so much easier for her knowing that I would not abandon her while she was on this wild ride. I, too, have felt the wind through my hair as the floor dropped from beneath me. And I am still standing… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday?

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