Happy Serenity Saturday! I know I haven’t blogged in a few days but I actually have a good reason! I am currently working on a special project for my anniversary week (September 6 is my actual anniversary) with a small group of strong, beautiful, and brave women that are my readers, my friends, and my family all in one! As I prepare for this creative process (with my brother, Junior’s help), I need some time to stop, think, and regroup! Even though I’ve quit yoga a million times, I still learned how to find my center somewhere in one of those classes! So that’s what I have been doing! Resting and preparing for my anniversary week! Can you believe it’s been a year already?! KJM was born on September 6, 2015! Some of you actually started off with me on Tumblr and moved with me to my self hosted site (www.kingstonjaelmichaels.com). Thank you so much for the support! In the last year, we turned some dark corners…and together….we found some sunshine! We cried, we laughed, and then we did that some more! What a journey! As I get closer to my anniversary week, I get more and more anxious and excited for what I have in store for you all! Special shout out to the women and men helping me with this project! I am moved by the outpouring of support I’ve received! ?? By now you are probably wondering what in the world is this Serenity Saturday’s message? The message I want to share today with you is…when you have a vision…don’t be afraid to reach out to people that care about you and ask them for help! When a group of strong women get together and support each other every step of the way….the rest is SERENITY!?? Despite the pressure, stress, and chaos of the world…we are all pumping the brakes, taking a deep breath, and moving towards a central purpose together! Some of these ladies are even in different countries! I am at peace knowing that each woman (in all her strength and glory) has paused their lives…even for just a few minutes to share my vision! Ladies, I cannot say thank you enough! And to the men supporting these women…I thank you as well! The task ahead of them is no easy one! Thank you all for digging deep and letting me into your lives in such a personal way! Strong Women Unite! For my other readers…stay tuned, stay centered, and stay open because Kingston Expressions is about to kick things up a notch! ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying….find your center, find your strength, and then create magic!
Archives for August 2016
This morning I had the pleasure of reading a Cosmopolitan article titled “6 Signs You Are Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Man.” The 6 Signs were: 1. They’re Always (I Mean Always) Doing Their Own Thing; 2. They Avoid All Emotions; 3. They’re Always Looking For Faults; 4. They’re Always Holding Up A Shield; 5. They’re Scared To Show You Who They Really Are; and 6. He’s Rarely Satisfied. Now after reviewing these signs, I realized the Ex Factor is all of the above except 3 and 6. He’s really easy to please and easy to satisfy! The Ex Factor is always so patient with me and my antics! Here’s the BIG REVELATION though…I AM ALSO EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AND HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE DATING LIFE! As a matter of fact, the Ex Factor and I are equally emotionally unavailable in all the same numbers! We are 1, 2, 4, and 5! ?? So that’s why I’m attracted to him! My entire dating life, I’ve dealt with emotionally unavailable men (including Julio, Phoenix, and Elijah)! The thing is the Ex Factor is my exact type of emotionally unavailable guy…hence my ultimate attraction and desire for him! We are the same!!!! If you don’t believe me…check this shit out. Before Elijah dropped the “L” word, the last guy before him who told me he loved me…who was my friend/sort of lover (that’s for another blog discussion) AND wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him in Fall 2008 and to this day never picked up any of his calls!!! I have some regrets about how I handled that situation and a lot of what I go through in my dating life now…probably stems from some of that Karma! Ouch! Don’t worry…that dude, last I checked, was on his way to being happily married to a woman who could FEEL!?? I did him a favor…plus I wasn’t in love…more like lust mixed with deep intellect! ? But back to my hot ass mess of a life! I pressure the Ex Factor for a deeper commitment because I know it’s not in him to do it! All the other men that could commit, show emotions, AND had great communication skills (yea definitely not you Elijah)…I dump rather quickly or worst cheat on them then dump them! Ouch! Now hear me out…we are close to a break through! Hang on! Let’s analyze the 4 signs that I am emotionally unavailable…according to the Cosmo article. 1. I AM ALWAYS DOING MY OWN THING! This is so true! For example….this past weekend, while resting, I booked ALL my trips from September to January 2017! There is such freedom in saying…I want to go somewhere and I just book that ticket to go! And no the Ex Factor is not invited….nor has any guy I’ve ever been romantically involved with. They ALL weren’t invited to my vacations! I roll solo….even internationally! Just the thought of opening that door and inviting the Ex Factor in…scares the hell out of me. So there I am asking him to incorporate me more into his life and I can’t even do the FUCKING same! Like I get anxiety just thinking about him hanging out with me and my friends on an island. Before you are quick to say…that may be a sign he’s not the one…I went to many countries in Europe, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Barbados, and TWO islands in Hawaii without fucking Julio’s ass! There’s been no man that I’ve ever envisioned joining me on my journey! 2. I AVOID ALL EMOTIONS (except Anger)! My most comfortable emotion is anger! If I get to feeling hurt or sad…someone may get cut! Just joking of course!? But your house may get burned down too if you make me cry! Still joking! ? I HATE crying because that means something has devastated me to the core of my soul. My soul likes to just be chill! Please don’t bother it…with feelings!✌?️ 3. I AM ALWAYS HOLDING UP A SHIELD! Yass! I try to defend AND protect my heart, mind, body, and soul….even if in the process I block true love! I don’t want anyone to get through because they may fail me. I also try to avoid all conflicts by hiding my true feelings about a situation! Like why couldn’t I have told the Ex Factor to his face years ago that I love him and will try to see him through his mess if he would try to see me through mine?! Because I would have to be VULNERABLE! And that’s a no no for me! And 4. I AM SCARED TO SHOW HIM WHO I REALLY AM! The Ex Factor and I had two totally different upbringings. He’s been sheltered and I haven’t been naive since I was 5 years old! I grew up in a very violent manner…watching the women in my family get the shit beat out of them daily! Infidelity was second nature to the men AND women in my family! Shout out to the men who are raising children that aren’t really their’s but they don’t know it! Yikes! MESSY! ? All that violence and all that cheating…can you blame me for not laying with a man for too long? The battered women in my family (who were generally not the cheaters) stayed with these men and took every hit while still pledging their love and allegiance to these fools! NOT I! I always vowed to never be them but somewhere in my life created another unhealthy cycle…a Kingston who is emotionally unavailable and likes her life just that way! That’s why when my friends tell me that the Ex Factor is an unhealthy situation…they are FUCKING correct! But what they need to understand is that the Kingston who loves her friends and will stick by them is NOT the same Kingston in love and war! I’m brutal and I’m selfish at times. I step on whomever whenever the fuck I feel like. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to grow…I am but my growth is super slow for a woman my age. If some man (other than the Ex Factor) wanted to marry me and start a family right now…my ass would say hell no in a heartbeat! Perhaps I chose the Ex Factor because at 26 years old…he is my emotionless twin! He can’t/won’t give me much but I can give myself everything AND I DO! I can say I DO to MYSELF! Even if the Ex Factor woke up tomorrow and wanted to take things to the next level…we would have to move extra slow (as if we could get any fucking slower?)! I’m scared to chose one man and one life. I need adventure everyday! So maybe the Ex Factor is buying time until someone better comes along but I think because of my gender and age…it never occurred to anyone that I’m doing the same! It’s only in June 2016…that it occurred to me that that Ex Factor may be my one! And I’m still open to the fact that he may not be! But truth be told my 35 year old self is in love with a 26 year old man…and has been…for the last 6 years of my life! We are a fucking mess and my age leaves me feeling insecure because of this thing called a biological clock (still feel like I don’t have one but science says I do). We may never get our shit together and one of us could permanently leave the other but if you were given a choice of who you would want to waste time with….would it be mister perfect resume or the man you know is a mess but you are sure you love him?! There’s a risk in all we do but if you are gonna leap…it better be for someone that the feelings are real for!?? So we stand still in time…together…being emotionally unavailable! I get mad! I get sad! I get frustrated but truth be told if he had his shit together…I wouldn’t even be checking for him because I don’t have my shit together!?? Yea it all sounds like a therapy nightmare! Lol. I’m saving up for it! Trust and believe that! But my eyes are wide open as I take a leap of faith! Don’t expect your girl Kingston to get married and have children…anytime soon….if ever! However, if for some reason the Ex Factor and I become emotionally available to each other…I know we both take marriage seriously! Off to therapy and spiritual counseling we go! After all…GOD IS ABLE!?? ~KJM is a mess on Hump Day!?
Happy Charm School Monday! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and managed to beat the heat! Randomly…I had a three day weekend in which I did myself a favor and stayed inside for most of the weekend. I am rested! And before this week’s work stress turns me into my normal crazy self…I’m helping you kick off your Monday just right! It seems here at Kingston Expressions we enjoy flashing back when it’s not actually flashback Friday! But as long as there’s a lesson to be learned…it’s worth going back in time when needed! Last night, Grace and I were talking about early January 2016 when Elijah unexpectedly ended one of our late night text conversations with the words “love you.” For the record, even then, I didn’t think Elijah was IN love with me but I figured he was trying to signal a change in our relationship. Maybe wanting to know where my feelings were as I was always holding back from the beginning. I saw the “love you” at around 10:30pm on January 10, 2016. Surprised and startled, I headed to bed without responding. The next morning at 4:27am, yes I know the exact time because I still have the “love you” screen shot photo on my phone, I text Nicole and Grace frantically! Like what did this mean? It had only been 3.5 months since we had been dating. And even that short time period had been filled with so much ups and downs. Elijah pumping the breaks in November…me pumping the breaks every other month! I knew I was not in love with him but when I dropped the news on Tiffany and she said that it was too soon for Elijah to be saying “love you”….I defended Elijah’s right to do so. No one knows the minute nor the hour someone falls in love but that person and God! But truth be told, in this case, Tiffany was right! I was scared shitless because this whole thing could blow up in my face and ruin my new romance! While I waited for Nicole and Grace to tell me how to respond….I did respond to Elijah in the morning by saying good morning and telling him I was on my way to work. He replied right away…mind you this was at 6am. So I knew he had been waiting for my reply since the night before! I never actually responded to the “love you” until maybe 2 weeks later. While trying to find the right words of what I wanted to say, I took a poll from my male and female friends. My female friends said there was a big difference between “I love you” and “love you.” The first signifies being IN love while the latter signifies having love for a person! This brought me some comfort. Like I cared about Elijah and wanted to work things out but I didn’t want this “love you” thing to set us back. The guys said there’s no difference for men! Love you is the same as I love you! The reason for this is both my brother and my best friend reminded me that men are simple creatures! No decent man would open up that Pandora’s box for shits and giggles! Matter of fact…men try to avoid those words all together especially if they don’t know if the woman loves them! Wow…men and women are so different! Come to think of it…I’ve used love you a few times and didn’t mean IN Love….with Crazy, with my college sweetheart though we both knew I didn’t mean it and he made me take it back, and you now know…with Elijah. Grace explained to me that I couldn’t leave him hanging on such a huge topic…no matter how he meant it! “Sometimes you have to use love as Jesus loves us and pray that love will come,” is what Grace suggested! She’s pretty wise and I didn’t want to lose Elijah so I returned the exact “love you” randomly two weeks later. On our next date night…I straight up asked Elijah if he meant what he said. First, he pretended not to know what I was referring to…then his eyes focused in on me (like he was trying to see into my soul) and then he got a huge smile on his face….and in that moment….he kissed me and that was the last of it. We never spoke about it again. I think…he just wanted to know that…I was with him…breathing him, living for him, and loving him in some capacity…in that very moment. I don’t think either one of us thought the other was IN love but we understood that we both wanted to move forward. Even though things didn’t work out with Elijah, I honestly tried my hardest with him. I’m not sure what he wanted and maybe he didn’t know either. So when I see him avoiding me when we are on mutual turf…I get so confused. I’ve always been cordial and professional. Very few people in our professional circle even know we dated. Our lives went on as if we never dated. It’s been 4 and a half months since I ended things with Elijah. I thought I gave him what he wanted….there’s no way he could truly love and care for me the way he treated me. He literally left me soaked in the rain and I could no longer fight for something that wasn’t meant to be. If we had been IN love…that would have been a different story. I would have replied to all his messages from this summer! But we weren’t IN love so all is lost. If we had been in love…his “hi and how are you’s” would have been enough for me to say lets work on it. But we weren’t IN love and since we were never friends…there seemed no reason to even respond to Elijah. He never poured his heart out in any of the messages! Instead…he sent out what I like to call…feelers. Like is she still interested? But he didn’t come for me like a man in love…ready to fight for us. And with his mature age and life experiences…he should have known that that’s what it would have taken to get some sort of response out of me! Before I go today…I do want to, however, say that Elijah taught me so much about myself. When it was just he and I…it was just us…a first for me. I was open and trying but it just seemed like we both needed something or someone else. I named him Elijah because he represented hope to me. I will never forget those walks and kisses in the rain. Will never forget his firm grip when he use to pull me close and kiss me. Won’t forget the few laughs we had. Mostly, I won’t forget the “love you” coming at a time I had already waited 5 and a half years for the man I truly loved, the Ex Factor, to say it to me! Elijah’s “love you” kept me going and surprisingly kept me open to the Ex Factor when he finally used those words in May. It remains to be seen how the Ex Factor meant it….~KJM on Charm School Monday saying I’m not sure what the proper response is to a “love you” too soon or an “I love you” too soon for that matter! Have a deep talk with your mind and your heart and then figure out how to proceed. I did what I thought was best at the time…
Well! Well! What day is it? It’s Throwback Thursday and there’s no time like the present to revisit some of the skeletons in my closet!??? If you have been following this blog for more than a day…you already know that my moral compass is set to SHADY! I have definitely messed with two guys (that had girlfriends) during times I also had someone in my life or during a quick intermission. You know my motto on girlfriend and boyfriend relationships (whether you agree with it or not): here today…gone tomorrow!✌?️I’ve taken chicks’ men (but on the real I always return them) and chicks have definitely taken my men! Such is life. But let’s take it a little further! You know I don’t play when it comes to married men! I’m allergic to them! My motto here is if they are a problem for the wife…then they damn sure are going to be a fucking problem for me! Ain’t nobody got time for that!??✌?️ Plus (and it may sound silly to some of you) I don’t play with what God put together and sealed with His love! Marriage may not be in my future….but I damn sure respect it! It’s not easy for any gender (despite a popular belief that it’s easier for women to commit) to promise to love and be with someone forever! The promise itself may be easy…the work of eternity to grow together and not apart…well that’s some real work right there! Now onto why we are brought together today…we are paying homage to the silent…know her place MISTRESS! Hear me out before you stop reading! The other day I read that a Jersey man’s wife AND long term girlfriend both posted obituaries for him in the same paper…with the same picture!!!! Let’s take that in for a moment! Wife and Mistress both decided to publicly bid farewell to this man! Now I don’t know the situation and I’m not even going to speculate on whether they all knew about each other or not but damn….y’all both used the same photo?! Even more importantly…who in the hell told mistresses they could speak?! I’m being serious here! I wrote “Dear Girlfriend” as my alter ego…it was fictional. Not the content but the me contacting the girlfriend part! Never in my life! Chicks have called me for sure and I don’t get nasty with them. I just skool them….your man is who you need to be yelling at. He made a promise to you! Not me! And trust and believe the times I’ve been cheated on…I’ve had no dialogue with the other woman! If she ain’t my friend or my family…she really owes me nothing! But now wait a minute….if she is my friend or family…her beat down coming first because “chicks before dicks.” That bitch would have owed me more respect to say the least! His house would still be set on fire though! Lol. Figuratively speaking of course…because I’m a lady that knows that success is the best revenge! So y’all don’t be out there living a life of crime over a man! I don’t give a damn if he is your husband…your future and your family matter more than him and his drama! But I digress…back to the outspoken and public Mistress! I remember the days when they just hid in the shadows as folks whispered about them…whenever they would suddenly be in a public place. Even in my generation…mistresses weren’t a valued thing! Monica Lewinsky sucked dick quietly until the scandal broke! Silent is what I prefer! All this “I’m Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number 25” shit got to go! There were so many of them…that the media no longer referred to them by names! Just a fucking public number! And for what?! Interviews and book deals?! In my Toi voice….SAT DOWN! And then briefly get up and have a couple more fucking seats! Mistresses have existed since the days of concubines and perhaps even pass that! They aren’t going away! It’s bad enough to hurt a wife silently but to then go on and publicly disgrace her?! Oh hell naw! Know your place! Gal u no de wife….if you don’t respect anything else about her you better respect her legal title and her divine position! Even in boyfriend and girlfriend situations…I’m not calling up Phoenix’s baby mama! ? Where they do that at?! That is still his child’s mother! If for nothing else…I respect that. Any conversations to be had is between her and him. And Phoenix never dared contacted none of my dudes…even though through social media he knew who they were! He knew his place as I knew mine. We don’t bring drama to each other’s door! To kick this conversation up a notch, I’ve been cheated on many times in my dating life (some I knew for sure and some I suspected). Whenever confronted by a mistress…my motto was always…KEEP HIM!✌?️ Cause I know the devil I laid with and now he’s your problem! The only exception to that rule is the Ex Factor! I truly love him so that shit would hurt! But I have been there before…Even though he denies that anything physical ever happened…in Fall 2012…I felt someone was in my back yard! To my surprise…I didn’t cut his ass…I just left him with no notice and by the time he caught up with me I was down south in another dysfunctional relationship! Now I will always regret Mister Toss Salad but I do not regret moving on when I felt disrespected! I did what I felt was right for me at the time and I had some life lessons to learn about myself! Boy did I learn them too! But on the real…that shit cost us two years! And I digress again! Mistresses need to go back to the old adage of “speak when spoken to!” No need for book deals, public obituaries, nor interviews. ? My moral compass ain’t the best but even I know that disgracing another woman like that just isn’t right! Know your position and act accordingly! Now before I let you guys go….here’s today’s shady comparison! In my eyes…a side piece is a jump off. She has no interest in staying with the man. A side piece never wants the full time job of the wife and/or girlfriend! But a mistress….she’s invested for the long term. She may want him and may even love him. A mistress wants that man to leave his girlfriend or wife! She’s got her “eyes on the prize” (prize…as in lack of a better word). Side pieces tend to stay quiet. Give them the sex and the money and y’all are even. For a Mistress, however, there’s no amount of money that will make her go away! The problem with today’s society (cheating isn’t going away so there’s a bigger issue here) is reality television got every side piece and mistress hyped! Selling their souls double….for some fame! Now it’s hard to tell who’s who! Why do I even bother to make this shady comparison? Because I want to let the men know (same goes for us women as a matter of fact)…choose wisely before you decide to jeopardize your marriage! And if you are dumb enough to cheat…make sure you know whether you are dealing with a side piece or a mistress! The mistress’s under cover job is to wreck your life (not that you needed help)! So you better “check yourself before you wreck yourself”…especially if you do want to work on your marriage! And for goodness sakes….please do not further embarrass your wives publicly! Dealing with cheating is difficult enough much less to now make a public spectacle of it! To the Jersey man who got this whole conversation started…I really hope your wife cremated your ass and got a huge life insurance policy lump sum! As I’ve said in my previous blog…“Reasons Why Her Husband Will Never Be Yours (A Single Woman’s Perspective)”…one of the greatest reasons for never being a married man’s mistress is…it’s financially stupid! If he is worth anything and drops dead….the wife will most likely get everything! My morals are off but I’m always about my coins! Can’t take love for another woman’s husband to the bank! That check will always bounce!?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday…saying don’t judge me…lol.
Hello all! It’s Temptation Tuesday and I’m stuck in Lincoln Tunnel traffic (via bus of course). Great time to blog about what I consider straight craziness! TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH A MAN! ? It’s like one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done! The Ex Factor speaks Chinese and I’m over here speaking Korean! From the looks of it….we should understand each other but looks are deceiving! Not one damn word is getting understood! I’m a very vocal woman and won’t hesitate to stand up for myself but the Ex Factor, over the years, has been my weakness! Even when I’m sick of looking at him…or hearing him speak (I like a nice mute man which he typically is 99% of the time but that 1% when he speaks?! Fuck My Life)….I still love him! Madness I tell you! Complete madness! I’m trying to do what Toi and Grace suggested by speaking up for myself and I’m trying to be as understanding and patient as Willow suggested while I follow her advice…and trust the process! My village is abuzz! But we all have different types of men in our lives! Mine is speaking Chinese to me and my inner Korean wants to get a brick and do some damage!? Just joking of course because…like…I am a lady!? Good thing the requirements of a lady changes depending on your region! Jersey in the house!?? And lawd knows Kingston, Jamaica women don’t play either! Learn that from Mama Michaels! Now putting down the brick again…sigh…I try to explain in what areas our communication needs to improve! I’ve really had to “wild him up!” Meaning I’ve had to go straight buck wild and let him know not to tap into my crazy! I truly believe that half the time…he has no clue what he has done to piss me off! It’s like the puppy who keeps pissing on the same spot of my carpet while he’s been flunking out of obedience school! Jesus fix it! ? That thing is trying to jump his pissy ass in my lap to spread love and cuddles while I’m LOSING IT and trying not to send his ass back to the pound! Yup! I went there with my analogy! While Jesus is at it…he better throw me some more patience! Whoosa! Breathe in! Breathe out! And whatever you do try not to shout! ? I…am…always…a…work…in…progress! But you know this since you are my faithful readers! ? Side note…I would hate to think of what his puppy analogy for me would be!? Thank goodness the Ex Factor doesn’t blog! But I digress…and that is my temptation today…to avoid getting off track and staying the course with my mind, body, and soul! Today I asked the Ex Factor to stop challenging my womanhood! If I did similar things to him…it would not challenge his manhood. But men and women and their survival codes are so different! What makes a woman great is straight up divine and magical…all at the same damn time! The core of me will never match the core of him. I am woman and I deserve to be loved and appreciated! I want to be wanted by him and only him (for now at least because he has to get his shit together)…and he couldn’t understand me saying I didn’t feel wanted. This is one of the main reasons why I left him last September. There Elijah was smiling bright at just seeing me walk down the hall. Elijah’s dark chocolate skin would glow when I was just within inches of him! It was mesmerizing to see how he reacted to me. I didn’t just feel wanted…I felt ADORED! As a matter of fact….Elijah still looks at me that way! Did I not mention that he’s back and for the next couple weeks we may be indirectly working together? Turned a corner yesterday and there he was…with that winning smile. Now before you get any ideas…I don’t want Elijah back! Not feeling a rip in my asshole and a “Jack Rabbit” vibrator being shoved in my vagina! That’s so November 2015! Lol! I can laugh about that shit now but it sure wasn’t funny then! I do, however, intend to do what some women in my position would do…bring him to his knees and just climax off of that sight! ? Oh Elijah…you weren’t good to me huh? Should have met me at the train station back in April? Regrets boo?! Got your favorite color dress (army green) on along with my favorite pair of heels to symbolically…crush…your…motherfucking balls! Puppies may confuse me but I was put on this earth to train old dogs!?? And since Old Kingston is back….first thing she loves to do is settle a score! Now don’t worry my dear readers…I’m in a professional environment! I won’t even exchange a word with Elijah with exception of the professional hello! The kiss my ass will be understood though…trust and believe! And since I have been read receipting his messages going all the way back to May…this is going to be even more entertaining! But I do have to be careful though because there is a point where old dogs get turned on by having their balls crushed! I just need my 4 inch heels to reach his pain threshold and then release him from it…never to do so again so he doesn’t get addicted!? By the way….where are the basic bitches Elijah so desperately wanted to turn me into? Did they flee because of his 1,500 dollar only ring proposal? Or did he get mad that they bought Trident Gum instead of Big Red? You know there is a huge financial difference between the two?! Elijah and his basic bitch could use that extra 75 cents to go towards their life savings?!? But I digress! Tiffany, are you enjoying this? You are really the only reader that knows up close and personal what a special asshole Elijah is! Yet…I wish him well!? Back to obedience school…and the puppy is still my focus…sigh ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I always feel like lesbians have it easier but unfortunately…I’m straight ? So on goes the daily Chinese and Korean conversations between the Ex Factor and I! Pray for us…we really do need a miracle! Lol.
It’s Charm School Monday and we have lots of work to do! Grab a pen, a pad, and some holy water because things are just that deep! On the evening of Serenity Saturday, the Ex Factor and I got into a huge argument. It was one of those conversations that started off innocently enough via text and ended in World War II! Sometimes he can be a real asshole (unbeknownst to him) and this was one of those times. Now I won’t give you the details of the argument because as you stay on this journey with me (and with us) I can’t expose all of our issues. But I promise to share the life lessons as I explore and learn them. My reasoning for this is in case we do one day go the distance and he becomes my future spouse…I won’t be able to take back the things I put in writing…not that I would even want to. Though it was easier to write about him when he was my confusing past than now when he is my confusing present. Back to the ass at hand…there he was thinking of only himself and me being very sensitive. He is not holding up his end of all the things we agreed on. The Ex Factor is actually delivering LESS than what we discussed. And I just lost it where I was (he was not with me) and burst out crying! I always have Grace on speed dial and so I anxiously started to text her the situation! Even she has run out of scriptures to bless him with! ? Bless her heart for trying to begin with. I think we all know I’m dealing with a special type of demon! I proceeded to cuss him out (without using curse words) via text. At one point, all he sent was a question mark! I don’t know what happened after that because I blocked him until the next day! Then I decided that you can’t hide from the devil…he will sooner or later catch up with you! You cannot block him either! You must look him in the eyes and say “devil I rebuke you! You have no power over me!” So as I laid in my bed all of Sunday not eating and just crying and sleeping I tried to figure out a way to do so. I returned some phone calls and texts of some of my closest friends and I made a few calls to others. To be honest, I wasn’t sure who I was going to discuss the issue with besides Grace. I was ashamed! I’m too smart, too beautiful, and too much of a great person to put up with half this shit! Where to go? What to do? Then it occurred to me…what would Kingston do? Of course because I am Kingston and I’m sitting in my own mess…I couldn’t answer that question! It then dawned on me that there is only one person who could answer that question…my west coast twin, Harmony! Harmony and I are almost the same person but are living on different coasts! She is one of my newest friends as our friendship started in Spring of 2009 and took off full swing in 2013 when she had to literally hold me up as I recuperated from that Mister Toss Salad fiasco! She’s become a driving force in my life…mainly because we think the same on so many levels and we don’t judge each other! We are both Daddy’s girls, entrepreneurs, and part of the “I never want to get married and have children club!” She truly gets me. Even some of our family issues are similar. Harmony knows that I’ve seen the women in my family get the shit beat out of them and spat on by the men that claimed to love them as they went back to these controlling men! I started to think maybe I’m no different from the women in my family….while no man has ever dared to hit me and many have tried to control me and failed…I still have a man in my life that is not loving me the way I need to be loved! That’s when I picked up the phone and made that west coast call! Harmony picked up right away and I immediately told her the situation and how embarrassed I was by it! First thing she pointed out was that there was no need to be embarrassed! Being a strong woman does not mean that I won’t go through shit! It’s how I handle my struggles that determines strength! At that moment, I started to cry (which my friends will tell you I rarely do). The second thing she asked was…what about my relationship with myself? Where am I currently with myself? She explained that she can’t tell me whether to leave the Ex Factor or not…that’s for me and only me to decide! But what she’s worried about is the current status of my relationship with myself after Elijah and now the Ex Factor! I mean I’ve taken such a mental beating with them both! Elijah is really a nonfactor….he’s just a lesson I had to learn. But the Ex Factor is not someone who just goes away. Harmony told me that my focus needs to be on my relationship with myself because if I’m okay…no matter what comes my way…I will continue to be okay! She didn’t attack the Ex Factor (even though he would deserve it)….she told me to WOMAN UP and make sure that I’m okay first and foremost! At that moment, I stopped crying and I knew right then and there that I was done crying about the argument…at least for now…or hopefully for good. What Harmony was essentially saying….was that Old Kingston always had a strong relationship with herself and certain aspects of her should never disappear. So I laid my plan out…all summer I have been taking vacations by myself….I have another vacation planned in 3 weeks! That will help rejuvenate myself. Until then…this blog, work, and all the activities I enjoy doing should be my my main focus. My money, my career, my livelihood, and my happiness are all more important than the Ex Factor and will always be! So I’m counting down to my next…it’s all about me vacation and I’m going to let the chips fall with the Ex Factor where they may! Sometimes you have to give people the same fucking energy they put into you!✌?️ And I’m still open to meeting other guys! The one thing I’m changing is I don’t want one to choose me like Mister Toss Salad and Elijah did…these men are predators looking for a broken wing! I’m stronger than that! I’ve been choosing my men since I started dating! Daddy says I should always be choosing them…not waiting to be chose…so that these boys know that I’m the prize because I’m in the position to choose anyone I want!?? Yasss! And I think I know just where I’m going to start too…? I am the master of my own destiny! Old Kingston is back and in full effect! Lawd knows I never had an issue keeping more than one boy/man at a time!?? And I truly believe when the right one presents himself and has done the work on himself…Old and New Kingston will merge and soar at being a great spouse!?? Until then…it’s back to Kingston 101! No need to love like a wife when I’m not one. I’m just in a situationship that at times seems promising and other times seems devastating. I cannot tell you what’s next for the Ex Factor and I! I am a Gemini so what that means is today I could be speaking to him and tomorrow I could finally pronounce him dead in my heart (like I did Julio in 2007) and move on! Either way I’m going to be happy because my happiness has me at the center of my universe! I want to take a moment and shout out that dude named Phoenix! While we have parted ways…from 2004-2014, Phoenix (hopefully single most of that time but I don’t know for sure. Lol) gave me a sense of freedom that I think every woman should have before she marries! No matter what state I lived in, I could jump into Desire (my car), get on 95 S or 95 N, and drive 3-6 hours to see Phoenix! He was my doctor…he could patch me up from any heartbreak and just be this awesome, funny, and sexy friend! Then I could leave him and spend years…if I wanted…discovering myself and not being tied to anyone. My heart was free at times and enslaved at other times but Phoenix would wash my feet and make me his priority for however long I needed him to! So grateful for my number one side piece…Phoenix! Don’t judge me? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Love you Harmony! You are a boss chick and I admire that about you! Thanks for being there to catch me!?
Happy Serenity Saturday! To be honest…it’s another Saturday of me…not feeling…serene! But I “whoosa” and I blog anyways because if there is one thing that we should strive for…it’s serenity! Today I want to remind you that you should never work harder at someone else’s dreams…than you do your own!?? Lets soak that up for a second….what are your dreams? No matter what age you are…I know you have some. I have heard it’s harder to follow your dreams and passions when you have a family because you always have to put their needs first. I cannot speak on trying to following your dreams with a family but I beg even you parents to not give up on all your dreams! Now to the rest of you! Yes! Those of you who have had your dreams sidetracked because of depression, heartache, self esteem issues, negative people, or just got up and frustrated with the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. HOLD ON AND DO NOT GIVE UP! Take me for example. On average I pull 50-80 hour work weeks at my day job! This schedule is not only breaking my body but sometimes my spirit. My managers always expect me to work harder for their dreams and their companies because I don’t have a family of my own and they are use to seeing me work my fingers to the bone! Well in September 2015, the joke was on them! I started this blog on Tumblr first and then in December 2015 launched my self hosted site!?? The Good Lord made it that I have more passion to write you guys as much as I do on my long commutes than I do on my days off!??That’s right…my struggles have inspired me! I put this blog BEFORE my day job and I write you guys extra early in the morning where my mind is fresh and my spirit is on fire! I am now working harder at my dreams than I am theirs! It took some discipline and some commitment but what I’ve found is I have no issue committing to myself! I just needed to have the courage to do so! I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a leap of faith that my generally tired and broken self (speaking of my physical body) would awaken when I was stepping in my purpose…even if that purpose starts at 4am!?? When I tell you I am always up with my parent friends…it’s no joke! While some of you are rocking your babies…I’m on the move! This blog and building my brand are dreams…other people saw in me. They are now in fact my new dreams and I’m so in love with it! Whether we laugh or cry here at Kingston Expressions, my heart is filled with joy as I put my blood, sweat, and tears into everything I write on here! Let’s soak that in…MY BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS….FOR MY DREAMS! When are you going to step into your purpose?! When are you going to make yourself so uncomfortable that you are soaring in faith?! Do not be afraid and do not give up! Your purpose is worth that much! It’s worth the risk! It’s worth the hardships! It’s worth the breakdowns! It’s worth the moments you feel lost! And it sure is worth the moments where you find out who you are and what you are made of! Walking in faith to a find our purpose and living it out…equals SERENITY! Start taking steps towards your dreams! I don’t care if they are baby steps! Any movement is better than none! ?? ~KJM blogging on the subway during this dreary but promising Serenity Saturday?
Well it’s Throwback Thursday and while I am sharing memories about Crazy….I couldn’t help but share this one! It was the first time anyone had ever witnessed me having sex…unexpectedly…of course. ? One afternoon Crazy stopped by for lunch. He typically did not do this because I’m usually in between classes with little time to chat with him but on this particular day I had a huge gap in my class schedule and I was READY for him! I had lingerie under my winter clothes (now you know how cold State College, PA gets)!? We ate Quiznos for lunch as Autumn and I lived above one. Crazy was always trying to get me to try new things so he was feeding me my lunch as we watched television. He wouldn’t tell me what was in my sandwich…he wanted me to be surprised by each bite. Plus he didn’t want to give me a chance to say I didn’t like something in my sandwich upon hearing the ingredients. To this day…only he and my father can get me to drink tea! Probably shouldn’t have mentioned Daddy in this blog at all…especially with what I am about to say! Damn, I’m creeping myself out. Daddy has suddenly got the urge to knock a guy out and doesn’t even know why! Lol. But I digress for real… Crazy use to dribble the tea in between my inner thighs as he licked it up…that was kind of his way of saying that tea was good for me.?? And boy was tea good for me! I get chills thinking about the pleasure and pain he brought into my life. Well back to the day at hand. Just as Crazy was feeding me my last bite (oohhh la la), Autumn came home from work early. Typically she was not home at that hour either so we assumed she was just home on a quick lunch break and would be headed back to work soon! WRONG!? We all got along well so when Autumn asked if we could turn the tv to the TLC channel…we didn’t think anything of it. Crazy and I thought…soon she will head back to work. Well hours later…after two episodes of “The Baby Story,” two episodes of “The Wedding Story” and just before the first episode of “The Dating Story”….I grew impatient and aggravated. Crazy suggested that it was time for him to leave but I instead begged him to “take a nap with me.“? He warned me that there better not be any funny business when we get to my bed. WE WERE TO JUST NAP!!! Let’s back it up for a second! Let me describe what the apartment that I shared with Autumn looked like. It was an EFFICIENCY apartment with a thin wall that separated the living room from our sleeping area. The wall was open on both sides…it was there for privacy but the openings were a reminder that this was still an EFFICIENCY apartment where anyone in the living room area could easily see what was going on in the sleeping area! Damn…we were broke college students! But this story wouldn’t be so memorable nor hilarious if Autumn and I had actually had a bedroom door!? Unbeknownst to Crazy, my lingerie was nastily laying under my clothes. We got in my bed and I slowly took my turtleneck off. Don’t laugh…you know the turtleneck was big back then! Maybe even considered…sexy! Lol. As I undressed to reveal what was waiting for him….Crazy couldn’t resist! Up until this point…he had been very use to dominating me in the bedroom. But he gave me the tools to take control of him and he waited for the day that I would be ready…today was that day!?? I wanted him. I needed him. And at that moment we both forgot about Autumn and “The Dating Story” out in the living room area…probably no more than three feet from us. At first we were quiet…it was my first seduction. I needed to whisper as I was on the attack. I wanted to please him while letting myself know that…that it was okay to make him my prisoner. It was okay for me to freeze him in time…in my inner thighs! I needed to know that…IT WAS OKAY TO CUM INTO MY OWN!?? Just as I’m on top doing a mean whine and grind as I sing Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me” in my mind…who do I see headed to the kitchen for what I picture to be some milk for her cookies…AUTUMN!? She happened to look over at the exact time that things were getting good and I was now asking Crazy what my name was (yes this was some hood luv)! ? All of a sudden, Autumn drops whatever she had in her hand (you have to understand that from the angle where I was…she was not my main focus…so we lose some of the details of the story?), opens our front door, and runs down the hallway to our neighbor’s apartment! I could hear her banging on that door like her life depended on it! Crazy, for some weird reason, got embarrassed and pushed me off of him! I think he had a lot of respect for Autumn and didn’t want to feel like he had made her uncomfortable in her own apartment! In my mind…I was like well why did she need milk for her cookies anyways?! Aren’t there times when one just eats cookies without milk?! Couldn’t this have been one of them?! Even if she was suddenly parched and wanted juice…couldn’t it have waited…let’s say…another 30 minutes?! So we didn’t get to finish and I was pissed! All my good moves gone to…waste! Had I not suffered enough through “The Baby Story,” “The Wedding Story,” and the damn beginning of “The Dating Story”?! Why these senseless acts against orgasms, Autumn?! WHY?! I later on realized that the whole situation was an accident on all our parts and Autumn went on to be one of the biggest supporters of me landing the BIG O! She would go on to jog drunk on hot summer days and even take an early morning run during a Central PA snow storm just so I could have as many orgasms as I wanted it. I tear up now for two reasons: 1. Autumn’s level of dedication to my orgasms and 2. This time period in my life would be the last time I could have multiple orgasms…much less any orgasm with a man. All hail the Big O! It was good while it lasted! And if you are wondering…Crazy could make me easily climax from ANY position! On top was actually the final position for my climaxes! That dude was a connoisseur of orgasms! And he always made sure I came FIRST….multiple times…before he did.???????? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying if that dude wasn’t so CRAZY…old Kingston would unblock him just for the climax of it all…? New Kingston, however, is under new management aka still under construction ?
The first time and coincidentally the last time I would ever be dick whipped was the summer after my Sophomore year of College (WE ARE!). Crazy had been my friend for like 6 months while he was trying to get himself out of some legal trouble. He was my first and last bad boy. At first, I wasn’t even checking for him romantically until one day my roommate, Autumn, asked me if I couldn’t see how sexy and good looking Crazy was! I took a double take of him the next time I saw him and damn Autumn was right!!! How could I have missed it? Crazy was…fucking beautiful and as the summer heat was upon us…he was getting harder to resist. This guy had given me massages and taken care of me when I had the flu. There were parts of him that were so caring…yet crazy…hence the nickname. I remember one winter evening, prior to me realizing how sexy Crazy was, my nose and eyes were running and I had a high fever. Even though I had a high fever, however, I was shivering. That’s when Crazy got in the bed with me and held me….running nose and all. He provided himself as body heat and kept me warm and he laid with me until I fell asleep!? To be honest nothing sexual ever happened between us that winter. I had missed all the signs. Just thought he was my homie. But once Autumn opened up Pandora’s box, I knew what I had to do….maybe what I had been subconsciously waiting to do…fuck him. I was nervous….he was my friend. What if it didn’t work out? Definitely didn’t want to lose a good friend. Then one night we got back from a party (one in which I begged a mutual male friend of Crazy and mine to not allow me to go home with him but of course I ended up taking Crazy home with me anyways?) and he was giving me one of his famous massages. All of sudden R Kelly’s “It Seems Like You’re Ready” was playing and I was shaking. I was nervous and still pretty new to sex. I had no idea what to expect. Still remember what I was wearing that day too….a blue crop top (looked like a farmer’s print) and dark blue flared jeans. Don’t judge me! That was a hot look in 2001 and I had the FUCKING abs to pull it off! Shit I could have sex with my abs right now…that’s how sexy they were. But I digress….this blog isn’t about me seducing myself…it’s about Crazy seducing me.?? Nervous and body shaking…Crazy asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. Of course I did! But I knew this wasn’t going to be like sex with Julio! Little did I know….I was in for a world wind tour of my body. Yes that’s what he did…Crazy reintroduced me to MY body! Parts of it I never knew existed. He started massaging me more intensely and soon started planting little kisses from my back to my neck! I was melting! What to do? I never ran from a challenge before…so I wasn’t going to start now!? That first night with Crazy…I felt my body do things it had never done before. I screamed. I moaned. Tears fell from my eyes. It was everything I wanted and needed plus more. And just when I thought Crazy showed me everything about his sex game…he would go on to give me multiple orgasms throughout our on and off again friendship/relationship for 8 years! Yea….do the math…there’s some overlapping there with a few of my situationships. This is the perfect time to shout out all the birth control and condom companies! Y’all also look out for children and fools! Lol. But back to my mind blowing sex life! ?? I almost lost my mind! Sex was so good…I could slap someone…and like it!?? lol. Sex was so could I could lite up a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all at the same damn time…after…if only I smoked! SEX WAS AMAZING! Sure…I later on found out he was a huge hoe…the best sex ones usually are! ? Still I had a hard time letting go! Crazy was like crack! Later on Whitney Houston would tell the world that crack is whack and crack is cheap and she don’t do cheap! Boy was that interview a day late and a dollar short! By then I was ADDICTED to Crazy! He would be the only man in my romantic life that could make me climax every time we had sex….and multiple times during! I was so dick whipped that the first time I ever physically cheated on a guy I was dating…it was with Crazy! I fell, tripped, and slipped on his HUGE dick! But that’s a another story for another time…. The moral of this story is after Crazy…I learned how never to be dick whipped again! I’m still in rehab???| ~KJM thinking about lighting some candles, having me a glance of wine, and reminiscing about the time I screamed multiples…on Hump Day???
Yesterday Junior, Willow, and I had two separate conversations about exes announcing to us that they are doing well…after we long broke up. It made me want to revisit the ex known as Julio! Once again, it ain’t Throwback Thursday nor Flashback Friday but we are still going to go back in time! ?? Hold on to your seat belts because it’s about to be a rocky ride! For those of you who haven’t been reading the blog from the beginning, Julio is my first love that I have known for 19 years! The first 10 of those years we dated on and off…it was a complete roller coaster! It’s these 10 years that I will reflect on today. Julio told me he loved me the first day we met. It was the night of my sophomore semi formal in high school and it was indeed a special night. It took me until about 1.5 years later to return his love though when I reflect on it now…I fell the same night he did…I just didn’t fall easily and fought it every step of the way as a teenager. When we became young adults, that’s when I tried really hard to make things work with Julio. He grew colder and colder over the years and those years will always be remembered as my very own “trail of tears.” Every time we would split up, I would focus on myself and my education as Julio roamed the tri state area for his wife and mother of his children. When I was 15 years old, I told Julio that I never wanted to have children. It took meeting and falling in love with the Ex Factor for me to realize that I didn’t want to have just any man’s child…he had to be my GREAT love! Hands down as scared as I am of being pregnant…if the Ex Factor wanted 10 children then by the grace of God…we would have 10 children! That’s how deep my love runs for him. But back to the story at hand. It was my sophomore year of college and some how Julio had managed to get my apartment phone number from one of my family members. We had been broken up for about a year and had not spoken since. But there my phone was…ringing…and it was him. Julio uttered the words “I am engaged!” And I secretly lost it. It never occurred to me at that moment in time that he went to all that trouble of finding me in State College, PA to tell me he was…HAPPY! Folks…if you take no other lesson from this blog, please take this one…no one who is truly happy has the time nor the energy to find their ex and announce it! There’s trouble in the waters! Trust and believe that! When you are living it….you think…omg…he’s found the ONE! But truth be told that shit was around year 2000/2001 and it’s now 2016…and Julio still ain’t found shit!?? Now I’m not saying this to rejoice! My own personal story hasn’t been easy but as an adult I never did Julio like how he did me. He got several of my family members wanting to beat his ass in the streets for real! But I digress….whoosa! Lol. If you are wondering what happened to his fiancé….she cheated and is now married with children to the guy she cheated on him with! Julio told me this in November 2015 when he said she tried to friend request him on Facebook! Now pause…I swear I’m not laughing. All I’m saying is Karma is a bitch that just don’t care!? She will do you dirty every time. For every tear I cried when he announced his engagement….I am sure he cried double if not triple when that shit fell apart! But wait…it don’t stop there! I’m only giving you the highlights of what happened that first 10 years of us trying to make it work! This one pains me but it must be said. As I’ve mentioned before, at the end of my first year in graduate school…as I waited for my grades from a very difficult program…Julio pulled the rug from under me and broke up with me! Let’s go back before this breakup… As I waited for my grades, I told Julio I was so worried because it was such a difficult program but it was my DREAM program. He suggested if I didn’t pass all my classes (FYI I had never failed anything nor had a reason to believe I had failed but anxiety just got the best of me as I waited), I could take time off to give birth to his children and maybe go back to school in a couple years!? When I told him that wasn’t going to work for me, he broke it off with me and that would always be our last and final real breakup! He left me when I needed his love and support! As a matter of fact, in the 19 years I have known Julio…he had only showed up for me ONCE and that was when all the craziness was going on as I tried to run from the Mister Toss Salad relationship! Other than that, Julio was never there for me! He even handed my heart over to the Ex Factor! The Ex Factor supported me in small ways that he will never understand how much it meant to me when I had finished graduate school and was on my face financially! The Ex Factor took what he had and fed me…physically and emotionally while Julio looked on with his money in hand just watching me suffer! Now y’all get why in January 2016 when Julio asked me to give him another chance…I told him about Elijah and refused to take Julio back! In 2007, he broke my heart and my spirit and must forever live with that! I healed but not because of him and his selfish ways. Julio left me to die yet I thrived! God is good all of the time!?? Interestingly enough, the Christmas of my second year in my graduate program…I was in the mall with Junior, Brenda, and some of my cousins. We all split up to shop for Christmas presents for each other. I didn’t know until a few days later when Junior broke the news to me…that he and one of my male cousins had ran into Julio…arm in arm with some chick. That was probably 6 months after we split for good! He was never arm in arm with me shopping anywhere. I cried and cried. This woman went on to be pregnant for him many times but they were never able to bring a living breathing baby into the world. Even with all the hurt Julio brought to me…I would never wish anyone such pain. I am really sorry for all their losses.?? And so Julio moved on and on. Moving in with this one and that one. Treating them all like gold when I was nothing to him. It’s 2016…and he is still begging me to take him back! Not only am I not in love with Julio and am no longer attracted to him, but I would never want such a man as the father of my children. He’s not good enough and the way he treated me over the last 19 years as a boyfriend, lover, and friend is living proof. I promise you I rejoice in none of this. I am sorry for the things he went through chasing love with others while running away from a good and solid love. Julio said love, marriage, and children would continue without me…and so far…they haven’t. I try to remember all of this while I interact with the Ex Factor. You see…I am the Julio in our situation. Each time…he takes me back and asks me little questions but there is always an emotional price to pay. He is more closed off and less trusting each time I come back. ? The Ex Factor has put me through a lot but he has never left me nor told me any woman was higher than me…that wasn’t related to him. So I try to gain patience because I now know that love will never do without him. No Phoenix, no Mister Toss Salad, no Elijah, and damn sure no Julio will ever replace the Ex Factor! So I take what I have learned and try to apply them to my life. I could waste my whole life waiting on the Ex Factor to grow up but if he is in fact the love of my life…no day will ever be wasted. Each day, instead, will be our “Voyage to Atlantis” and we will always come back to each other. It’s a huge risk…but by being patient and putting in the work…what I’m actually saying to the Ex Factor is…“Our friends think we’re opposites Falling in and out of love They all said we’d never last Still we manage to stay together There’s no easy explanation for it But whenever there’s a problem We always work it out somehow Work it out somehow They said it wouldn’t last We had to prove them wrong Cause I’ve learned in the past That love will never do without you Other guys have tried before To replace you as my lover Never did I have a doubt Boy it’s you I can’t do without I feel better when I have you near me Cause no other love around Has quite the same ooh ooh (ha ha ha!) Like you do do do do babe They said it wouldn’t last We had to prove them wrong Cause I’ve learned in the past That love will never do without you” by Janet Jackson ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying thanks to all who supported the Ex Factor and I. And thank you to all who doubted us! We…are…still…standing ?