Last night I awoke to see that my first love Julio had called and text me. After 19 years of him being in my life and him now living in Dallas…I didn’t hesitate to return his call. Always want to know that he’s ok. We talked about so much but as usual Julio knows how to push my buttons. All I could do was take a deep breath and try not to take offense to anything he says. Somewhere in the conversation, I told Julio about Elijah. I’ve been trying to avoid that topic especially when Julio came home right before the holidays and wanted to see me. My work schedule is crazy so it was easy to tell him that I wasn’t able to meet up…this time. Truth be told, I was exhausted and even though I wasn’t sure where I stood with Elijah…I still held him down. As a matter of fact since I’ve been seeing Elijah, I’ve had 3 chances (that I know of) to leave him and date someone else (especially from my past). I went through so much with Julio and the ex factor (a total of 15 years of on and off again)…though I always knew Julio loved me….that I can’t imagine entertaining either one of them. I’m also enjoying my friendship with Julio. 19 years of knowing each other…he’s finally become that great ex husband that I never want to date again!?? I told him that 1997-2007, with exception of some slip ups, I was all about him. When he broke up with me at the end of my first year of professional school, my heart gave up. We briefly messed around Fall 2009 when I was out of school and struggling. Julio was not there for me emotionally nor financially. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could not trust a man with my future and my future children who could not take care of me….the way my father does. I asked Julio to pay my cell phone bill once and he said no because he knew I would be calling other guys. He was right about that but when my phone was briefly cut off and I couldn’t talk to Phoenix who was preparing for Dental school at the time…nor could I call potential employers, I realized that Julio was not the type of man that I would want to be my husband nor the father of my children. Not to mention, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have happily paid his cell phone bill not caring who he was calling because we go back way too far to not look out for each other. I’ve always had his back…hence why he stays close. My love was everything! Too bad he didn’t realize it back then. To add insult to injury, Julio guessed what Elijah looked like and he was 90% right. He guessed that we were in the same field and even guessed what borough Elijah lives in!? Julio always did know me well…even when I switch up my type (Julio was never my type and Elijah is not my usual type)….he is in sync with what type of man I would go for different in stages of my life. Where he fell and bumped his head, however, is Julio never knew how to view me…the true me. He told me I should be taking a break from dating (which is not realistic if children is an option because I’m 34) and that I’m always in love with self esteem issues. You know I had to clap back and let him know that while he depicted Elijah correctly (as far as physical features, hobbies, and occupation) I’m a confident woman who loves myself. I didn’t seek Elijah…God introduced me to Elijah. I always remind y’all that the day Elijah introduced himself to me…I was crying and praying. I believe he’s in my life for a reason. Elijah is either the one for me or he is the last lesson I need to learn before I become a wife to another man!?? Further more Elijah is fire and I am air. Fire needs air to thrive but air does not need fire to exist (read this on some horoscope site one night when I couldn’t sleep). I’m pretty sure Elijah and I both know this! The Gemini is always an independent being. One good thing that came out of this conversation is that if Julio is panicking and saying hurtful things (even if in jest) I’m onto something big! Julio is afraid of losing me so I must be close to unconditional love because like I said before…he knows me well. I’m going to keep trying to make things work with Elijah…and of course….keep praying. Prayer makes a huge difference! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day saying every new beginning takes work but remember that no amount of work could salvage your past or it would be your present/future. Love someone with all your heart today and you won’t ever have to have conversations like these…tomorrow. 

It’s Serenity Saturday! Time to recharge and regroup! This week has been so emotionally draining for me. I’ve had to confront old and new feelings…in the midst of trying to grow as a person. And I’m just exhausted! Feelings are not really my thing. I avoid them at all cost. But since Elijah has told me he loves me and I know I’m falling for him…here comes the complicated feelings. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place so soon after getting my heart massacred by the ex factor. They always say…we have our plans and God has His!?? God’s vision will always be greater than our sweetest dreams!?? And I believe it. It’s just as humans we don’t always feel ready to live out our purpose. It’s just too soon I keep thinking. How did I get here? And it’s a difficult place to be at such an unexpected time. While my broken heart has begun to heal, I’m afraid to trust Elijah with it. After all, I gave it away for 5 years and during that time my heart was not in a safe place. It had been “fumbled” and I had lost my way. I’m still trying to find my way. My Serenity Saturday gift to myself is to spend the day reflecting on the things I love about Elijah…and the things I love about myself since he’s been in my life. If you are out there and having some of the same issues….or you have been there in the past and have conquered love…please take some time to do the same. Love for those of us trying to find our way. Trust for those of us that have never been able to trust. And have faith that we will all find our way to a true and everlasting love! ~KJM saying…Happy Serenity Saturday! Be kind to your mind, body, and spirit ?

I wrote this early September 2015…before I left the ex factor. It was meant to be my first blog but then I decided against it. I wanted to introduce myself in a way where pain didn’t define me so I’ve been making you climax ever since! Lol. But in true Gemini fashion….there are many sides to me. FLASHBACK: Time and time again, I read articles that say that you will find yourself in many disrespectful situations because you do not know your self worth! Meme after meme stating that if someone cares for you they will do this and that and if they don’t…you have lost yourself. Some articles say that you straight up need JESUS! Well I know Jesus and I am in love with myself yet I am in the valley of self destruction!I am here to tell you that even if you have FAITH and you truly love yourself, storms will come! People will fail you! Your heart will be broken! Knowing Jesus and your self worth will not keep you out of the valley of self destruction but it will guide you through it! And you will thrive! So be easy on yourself.

No matter your faith, believe in some higher power than yourself. The valley will eat you alive if you are a nonbeliever. Eat your soul alive as your spirit leaves your human body. You see…you cannot rely on the human flesh….it was meant to perish.

What’s in this valley? Tear stained pillow cases and moments of regret. Always asking God…why me? These last couple of years, my heart has been crushed. I long for the days when they were in love and I was just in like. Long for the days where only I could entice myself. Where my next journey was more important to me than romantic conquests. I miss being numb. But now I am in the valley and the way out is unclear. So I pray and I pray….1st Corinthians Ch 13. And I pray for protection.

You don’t always enter the valley knowingly nor willingly. I did not see it coming. Think I made a wrong turn. How do I get out? Prayer, pushing forward, and taking each painful moment as a blessing that will make me stronger in life.

I did everything “right” yet I am here…in the valley. I wonder if he even sees that I am self destructing. I don’t think he sees me or cares to see the pain. Maybe the memes and articles are right? But they can’t be! I am thriving in every other area of my life and am a fairly happy person.
I wasn’t raised to make romantic love the center of my life. But the corner of my life it lives in is falling apart. He won’t break me….he can’t break me because I will be delivered from this.

Contrary to popular belief, the valley is not for the weak. Where do you think prayer and self worth are needed the most? In that same valley. I know I will make it to the top of the highest hill and I will soar! I will be a better person for visiting this place and no one will ever dare suggest to me again that I don’t know my own self worth or that I don’t know Jesus. I know both and have faith that I will make it! You will too!

Stay blessed and most importantly, stay inspired! ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying thank you for reading!

Deep down inside I still think it’s my fault. My fault he didn’t treat me well. My fault he didn’t love me. My fault that I stayed so long. Deep down inside I live with the shame that I put so much into someone that thought so little of me. Deep down inside part of me still doesn’t think I deserve happiness. I punish myself day in and day out for all 5 years and 3 months with the ex factor. I feel like I walked through fire and instead of coming out feeling blessed to be alive…I feel charred and burnt. All I see are the scars…not the victory….of finally getting out. Growing up, no one ever told me that even when you love yourself, you will make a million wrong turns in love and each wrong turn will attack your self esteem but that doesn’t mean you are a victim! It doesn’t mean you can’t reclaim your life. It doesn’t mean you were created to drown by the hands of another. Deep down inside, my mind knows it was not all my fault…but try telling that to my heart. Elijah has been in my life for months now and while he has his own issues…I haven’t allowed myself one entire day to be happy with him. It’s the ultimate punishment for my past…to let the opportunity of true love pass me by. Every day is a struggle for Elijah and I. It’s like I’ve set up an obstacle course filled with daggers, rings of fire, and quick sand…and if Elijah doesn’t get through all of them…we won’t make it. Hell…he might have an obstacle course set up for me too. And so we fail each other…every day. Why would we do this? Maybe it’s because…deep down inside…we don’t feel we deserve love. Deep down inside. I’m buried deep down inside. I’m drowning, I’m struggling, and I’m fighting…to pick up the pieces. So much lives in me…deep down inside. ~KJM on Flashback Friday

Unfortunately, this is a topic I know all too well. It took years for me to realize that ever since my dating life began, at the age of 15, I developed an emotional cheating issue. There are a lot of possible psychological reasons stemming from my childhood that lead me to have this issue. However, that discussion is for another blog. 
 
Now I know a lot of you are like “what’s emotional cheating? I just want to know where his dick is at night!!!” The dick can roam for many reasons but if his heart is with someone else…his dick is sure to follow! Today I want to share some warning signs of emotional cheating. This is so that you can recognize it in yourself and/or your partner! 
 
6. SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH SOMEONE OF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO! This tends to happen a lot between coworkers….so it is definitely not surprising that a lot of affairs start in the work place. First, the two of you may be placed on the same assignment. Then you and your male coworker start going to happy hour events with other coworkers. Soon the only two people feeling happy after hours are you and your work boo! Never forget that you have a good man at home that deserves your quality time. Moral: Watch who you give your quality time to!
 
5. HAVING PRIVATE INAPPROPRIATE PHONE CONVERSATIONS WITH A PERSON YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO! This one really gets people into trouble. First, it starts off innocent enough with a “Hi” or “Good Morning” text but as the weeks go by you find yourself running to your phone every time he calls or texts. You love the attention. It may have been a long time since you received this kind of attention from a man. The longer we have been in relationships, sometimes the harder it is to keep that spark going. But it’s a TRAP girl! Run! Each text message has an implied meaning! Yea soon he is going to wax that ass….but not before he says…GOOD MORNING! He’s just setting you up to lay the pipe one day! Moral: Whenever you accept the attention of a man that is not YOUR spouse, know that his intentions are probably not pure! Besides, aren’t we getting a little too old to have new friends of the opposite sex anyways?
 
4. CONSTANTLY PUTTING YOUR SPOUSE DOWN AND COMPARING HIM TO ANY MAN YOU SEE! Now I know you are wondering how this could lead to emotional cheating. By staying with one man, saying he is not good enough, and then saying every other man is better…you are planting the seeds for an emotional affair. You ever heard that the tongue is very powerful and what you say gets released into the universe? By telling your man and the world that he is not good enough, you are unintentionally asking the universe to send you a more exciting man! Girlfriend…it’s a slippery slope! If you love your imperfect man and believe he is a good man…talk with him about working on your relationship. Don’t openly test the waters while endangering a good relationship/marriage! Moral: Get your shit together! You are the one who is not working at your relationship/marriage hard enough. Be part of the solution and not the problem!
 
3. KEEPING A “FRIENDSHIP” WITH MEN YOU HAVE BEEN EMOTIONALLY AND/OR PHYSICALLY INVOLVED WITH! Now I am not talking to those of you who have children with your exes because clearly for the sake of those children….some sort of positive communication needs to continuously occur. However, realize that you are walking a fine line. Communication about your children is far different that reminiscing about the great sex you and your ex use to have! Now to the rest of you holding onto exes while you have so called moved on to another relationship! What are you doing? Your ex can almost never really be your friend. While you are keeping him up to date on the every details of your relationship, he’s at his house singing “she’s mine….you may had her once but I got her all the time!” Yea…I remixed that MoKenStef song “He’s Mine!” Desperate times calls for desperate measures. Moral: A man from your intimate past has no business being part of your intimate present/future. You cannot have your cake and eat it too!
 
 
2. TELLING ANOTHER MAN EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL OF YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP! Earlier on the list, I spoke about how dangerous it is to have inappropriate conversations with a person you are attracted to…outside of your relationship. In number 5, I was really speaking about sexting. However, number 2 is even more dangerous than sexual conversations. When another man knows how your day was before your boyfriend/husband does…you are in trouble. He knows your likes, dislikes, happiest moments, saddest moments, and even knows about the issues you are having in your current relationship. This other man is essentially IN your current relationship. He consoles you and always says the right things to make you feel beautiful and happy. What you fail to realize is being the “side guy” is about supply and demand. He finds out what you are missing and supplies it. This man, however, does not have tools to do ALL the work in a full blown relationship. He’s like a marketing executive…his job is solely to sell. Now are you going to buy? Moral: The grass is never greener on the side. It’s an illusion. Truth be told, the grass is greener where you water it!
 
 
1. LETTING SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE INTO YOUR HEART! This one is a bit tricky as we don’t always know when we are falling in love. However, if you have been doing any of the things on this list…there is a great chance someone may fall in love during this emotional affair! So far you have given your quality time, had inappropriate phone conversations, holding on to your sexual past, and constantly put your current spouse down. Girl you don’t know whether you are coming or going! But realize that emotional affairs can lead to physical ones….meaning if found out by your spouse…your cuming just may lead to your going…as in being forced to leave your current relationship! Moral: The Bible says to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23. Be careful who you give your heart to. Not everyone was built to handle it with care! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I use to be an emotional cheater until I met someone that made me want to only open up to him and God. Keep us in your prayers!
 

Cringe worthy! It is hard to revisit at times…but we have all been there. There were times that our self worth perished and as a result, we embarrassingly tried to piece our lives together. For 5 years, I lived in a world of shame. The relationship I had with the ex factor brought me to lows I never thought I could drop to. ME…a beautiful, intelligent, driven, and loving woman. Yet, there I was hiding from others while living at the bottom of the pit of despair. No one could get me out of there but myself and God. The problem with getting out, however, was that I would first have to admit to myself how I got there. Some may say it was a period of low self esteem, but I promise you…it was more deeper than that. Let’s pick our faces up off the floor and revisit the times when we did not know our own strength:
 
7. THE TIME WE ACCEPTED A RELATIONSHIP THAT GAVE US LESS THAN WE DERSERVED! Maybe he wanted a “friends with benefits” situation and we wanted a serious commitment but we settled for less. Praying and hoping we could change his mind, we ventured deeper into this dead end relationship. As we look around, everyone else is getting married yet here we are letting him sneak in and out of our beds! “Mama said there would be days like this,” but lawd a mercy, we hoped she was referring to another young woman and not us! It’s painful to see people living out their dreams while we are stuck in a nightmare!
 
6. THE TIME YOU THOUGHT A BABY WOULD DEEPEN AND SAVE AN UNSAVABLE RELATIONSHIP! I know this is going to sound crazy but some women still think a baby will save their relationship/marriage! Wake up baby girl! A baby will only put more stress on a stressful situation. The more you go down this road is the greater chance you have of being a single mom. Nothing in this world can make a man stay but that man himself. Please try and save your womb for someone you know loves you, cherishes you, and wants a family.
 
5. THAT TIME YOU WENT PAST YOUR SEXUAL LIMITS/HAD A THREESOME TO KEEP A MAN! When I was in college, I saw this happening to girls of all races. There was a need to be liked by boys or a particular boy. Without knowing it, these girls sold their soul for a boy only to be labeled as “easy,” “whores,” and “sluts.” Baby girl, if you are reading this, please love your body enough to only engage in sexual activity you truly want to experience. If you have to go front ways, side ways, and over a rooftop sexually to keep a man, then he is not the one for you!
 
4. THE TIME WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP! I went back to the ex factor at least three major times over the course of five years. Each time, I would tell my friends AND myself…that this time would be different. Each time was worse than the last! Picking my face up off the floor after each disappointment was hard. Why would such a smart woman allow herself to be treated in such a manner? Truth be told, no matter how much we love ourselves, we will all always make mistakes. These mistakes, hopefully, will make us stronger girlfriends, wives, and mothers in the future. There is a lesson to be learned around every dark corner! Oh how I hope and pray that is true!
 
3. THE SHAME YOU FELT WHEN WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP THAT NOW HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE GOOD! This one is a little bit tricky. I have a few friends that either dated or married someone when they were younger….who was not good for them then. This man came back years later and became an amazing husband and father. Generally, when you are in a “makeup to breakup” relationship, it is unhealthy and should be abandoned. However, there are rare instances where a person (maybe even both of you) needed time to grow and learn from your mistakes. I think the common theme in this situation was that they gave each other time to grow….so essentially they still abandoned the “makeup to breakup” cycle until they got themselves together. The two major obstacles here are (a) family and friends still talking about your relationship from the past and assuming that this time is going to be no different and (b) the couple acknowledging that they have both grown and trying not to revert back to their old unhealthy ways. I think if both obstacles are overcome by a good and hardworking couple, they just might make it. In that case, tell family and friends to mind their own business. This would be the time to drop the shame and guilt and go enjoy the life that God created just for you! Everyone’s love story is different!
 
2. THE TIME WE KNEW HE WAS CHEATING AND STAYED ANYWAY! Yikes! This one leaves a bad taste in my mouth! I am a firm believer that a spouse is usually the first person to know that their mate is cheating. For me, my gut always tells me so. Something is just off…even if I can’t put my finger on it. Now for this one…I will not even attempt to tell the married people what to do. I am only speaking to the non-married people. When you are continuously faced with cheating and you keep taking the person back without them doing work on themselves first and then work on the relationship, get ready for a lifetime of cheating. Even if he proposes marriage, nothing will probably change. Get out while you can and find a man who embodies commitment! I believe that man does exist!
 
1. THE TIME YOU LET HIM ABUSE YOU! Abusive relationships are no joke. I never hide that I grew up around a sea of domestic violence. Whether the women in my family were the bread winners or not…they were getting their asses beat daily! Baby girl, especially if you have children, realize that this is one of the unhealthiest situations to endure. Anyone who puts their hands on you….cannot possibly love you. Get out now! Value your life and your children’s future. Also, remember that there is emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and physical abuse. Many of us are focused on not getting that first punch to the face that we forget, he’s been controlling our lives and our finances for over a decade! Yes that’s right…abuse manifests itself in many different forms. Educate yourself to each of them! ~KJM saying once “I did not know my own strength” but now I do…on Charm School Monday!